Toasties! The best is having a steak burrito so covered in green sauce, salsa, and sour cream that you can’t see anything else. Your stomach won’t thank you, but your heart will. Happy weekend! The Bartender is going to present a paper at a conference a million hours away because there’s no rest for the wicked and all that, but hopes that you all enjoy your days of freedom to the max. Open thread!
Hamiltoasts, the world is beautiful. Playbill posted a bunch of backstage photos with commentary by Anthony Ramos, and they’re all adorable, but YOU GUYS. DAVEED LIKES TO COLOR.
Look around, look around, at how lucky we are to be alive right now!
I just saw the opening night short done by Leslie Odom Jr. on YouTube, and my heart is AFLUTTER.
Then I went to see how much a single ticket would be, and it’s all resale, obvs, but it’s not worth maxing out my poor family’s credit card.
*HEART EYES*
I CAN’T THEY ARE ALL TOO ADORABLE
Also LMM reblogs Hamilton/Laurens fanart and says he’s putting it on Ramos’ door.
WOW.
Lots on Hamilton and Laurens’ relationship can be found here. http://publius-esquire.tumblr.com
Yes, there’s much interesting information there and also here.
Yes I am all about that one too! Thanks for linking. I’ve gotta get my bookmarks organized… I guess I’m joining Tumblr now just to keep track of the great posts.
I DIDN’T KNOW ANTHONY RAMOS WAS SO FRECKLY. <3 <3 <3
IMMEDIATE DISCUSSION OF HARRY POTTER AND THE CURSED CHILD
WHAT??!!!!!! well this mean I’m going to London. I must see this play immediately.
I just emailed MrChouffe to say there’s another trip on our calendar.
I’M SO EXCITED! 😀
Okay I’m a theater person through and through, but it’s just mean to take a universally-beloved character and write an entire new chapter to the story out of nowhere and not publish or film it but rather only have it seen in a particular place by a particular set of (monied) people. Come on now. At least Hamilton has the soundtrack.
I suspect we will hear about a different version soon, but yeah, that’s troubling.
Yes! I’m despairing over how I am ever going to be able to see this. I grew used to consuming new Harry Potter things at midnight releases, I’m supposed to wait years for this to come to my city or something? Nuh-uh.
I would be very, very surprised if they didn’t film the play. Maybe not the initial run, but it’s a license to print money, so it’ll come on again (unless we’re all being duped and it’s terrible).
I thought it was kind of ridiculous that a new chapter to a story that is supposed to be about class imbalance (which, iirc, JKR has stated HP is) is being presented in a place that only people from a certain range of access to London and with certain amounts of money can actually enjoy.
IT ISN’T A PREQUEL IT’S A SEQUEL WHY DID I THINK IT WAS A PREQUEL *deep breath* Okay, surely they will eventually film this in some way that I can see it. Surely.
I may have to schedule a vacation to London. It’s the same length flight as the west coast! There are plenty of reasonably priced flights! Right? Right?
Of course, dear. Of course!
Oh, there is a reasonable probability that a Hamilton/Richard II trip will take place in April. Just, you know, for reasons.
I APPROVE. I APPROVE SO HARD.
We will hang out, yes? Drinks or food or both?
Ohhh yes.
I love theater, but I feel really weird about this. It seems like such an odd choice to switch formats for new original material. In a weird way, it kind of feels like she’s writing her own fanfiction now.
That was my first thought, but I think in this day and age, any franchise that gets successful and then creates new material is going to seem a bit like they’re writing their own fanfiction. It’s not like Twilight, where the same story keeps getting retold in different formats (Twilight, but from Edward’s perspective! Twilight, but they’re humans who have kinky sex! Twilight, but with the genders flipped!). Anything J.K. Rowling writes in the Harry Potter universe from this point forward, no matter who she tells it about, is going to feel a bit like fanfic, because millions of people have been telling their own stories in the HP universe for 15+ years now.
I’m fascinated by how this seems to be a frequent reaction to Rowling putting out (or even mentioning) new Potter material. It’s not a reaction to others who continue to do things in a popular universe they invented, but it’s definitely a thing when it comes to her.
This. With big franchises like HP that have a definite end I always think ‘please just stop here and let the story stand on its own’
But then I’m a weirdo who likes a bit of mystery to their fiction, I don’t want all the bits filled in officially, I’d rather have my own version in my head.
Also specifically with HP it always feels like they’re just trying to squeeze more money out of it.
The “squeeze more money out of it” comments against new Harry Potter material always rankles me. I’m sure some people involved with the franchise are trying to wring as much money out of it as they can, but J.K. Rowling keeps a pretty tight rein on the rights to everything, and she’s absolutely not in it for the money. She is no longer a billionaire as of 2012 in large part because she gave hundreds of millions to charity; she was trying to keep her identity on those Robert Galbraith books a secret, when her name on a book can make it an instant bestseller; she was also at one point richer than the queen of England. Also, if those who own the rights were trying to squeeze money out of the sequel story, a play is the absolute least profitable way to do it. Limited tickets to limited showings vs. the tens of millions (possibly hundreds of millions) of people who would purchase a sequel book or view a sequel movie.
I want JK Rowling to make as much money as possible, because she gets shit done with it.
I am still angry about her identity being leaked for the Robert Galbraith books. The person who did it is a dick.
Totally valid re:dickishness of leaking identity…
and I am selfishly glad because I love those books but would not have read them otherwise.
Why is it bad for Rowling to try to make more money off of Harry Potter? This isn’t something critical where making money at all costs is bad, if she does something I don’t want to support with my money… I won’t.
I guess I don’t understand why she shouldn’t squeeze money out of it if she wants. Maybe the art will suffer, which is one reason she appears to be being judicious, but that’s her choice.
ETA: If you don’t want to support it because you liked the original ending, that’s obviously fine. I might have read too much into your comment, as happens.
It’s not so much about this play (I haven’t read mucd about it), its more all the cheap plastic merchandise, theme park etc, it all feels too commercial to me. I’m a complete cynic when it comes to business, in particular the movie business. Like the new fantastic beasts movie, it just feels like the franchise ended and the studio immediately looked to see what else they could make a movie from to make more money. The decision to delay the 8th movie release and convert it to 3d was a completely profit driven decision, 3d didn’t add much to the movie, but it allowed them to put up the ticket price.
I have no issue with jk Rowling, but I do have an issue with the movie business
I completely agree. A movie about unrelated characters from 70 years in the past? Ok, sure could be cool. Extra-textual background information released intermittently on a tie-in site? Fine. Not for me because I’d rather just read fanfiction about characters I care about but fine. A story that’s officially being called “the eight story” being made into a play in London? Not cool. Clearly, she’s not done with this world and that’s fine, that’s great! I just wish she would completely accept that and write a book. Even if it’s not about Harry and his family. What about a book of short stories about life after the war? How great would that be? Just write a book, Jo. It’s ok.
I’m not sure if I’m not into it because I’m not necessarily interested in Harry’s future (I’d much rather have stories about new characters in the same magical universe) or if I’m making myself not be into it because there’s no way I’ll get to see it.
I’m not into it because my attachment to these books and characters is such that I just want the rest of their story to go: “and then they had some v. good therapy that minimized ptsd effects sufficiently enough for the rest of their lives to be uneventful, and so, relatively happy.”
This may…mess with that.
OH MY GOD
I WILL BE IN ENGLAND THEN ANYWAY
IT’S ACTUALLY POSSIBLE
I am really hoping they do a cinema screening of it… Tickets will go in seconds!
Happy Friday everyone! It’s almost Halloween I’m so excited. My job is throwing a Halloween party and I’m going as the tenth doctor.
Oh hey, fellow Doctor! I’m going as Eleven! Gotta get myself a decent button-down and a proper bow tie.
I’ve knit the Fourth Doctor’s scarf and have cosplayed him several times. Good times. The first time I wore the whole outfit was to a Halloween party–where someone dressed as Nine. We got a (visibly drunk) photo together.
SPEAKING OF, I’d forgotten that David is in Jessica Jones and when he started talking I actually jumped in my chair!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This week one of my coworkers greeted me with “You look exhausted.” Nope, just the way my face looks! Then she went “God, sorry I offended you or whatever.” I’m not sorry she’ll be leaving for a new job soon! This will also spare me her tone deaf remarks about “When you and your husband have a kid you’ll understand (whatever)” and also her constant stories about her kid’s poop. PLEASE MAKE THE POO STORIES STOP.
In other news, the weekend is going to be for relaxing and making lots of soup and stew and doing blog reviews and stuff. Guys, it’s kind of horrifying how much I like my blog! It will be a year old in January! I am not even halfway through the Dear America books! I have SO MUCH material and I LOVE IT.
Can you link to your blog for those of us who haven’t checked it out yet?
Oh yes! http://yahistoricalvault.wordpress.com
I keep forgetting to go back to it but the posts I have read are SO GOOD.
Thank you! !!
Oh godddddd, my boss keeps doing that to my coworker lately. “How are you?” “Fine.” “Well you don’t look fine, you look like hell! Haha!” Coworker has been sick, so yeah, she isn’t feeling or looking her best, maybe be nice to her? UGH.
Ok, but if you’re the boss, you’re in a position to follow that up with “go home and rest so you can feel better!” Otherwise, you’re being double the jerk cause you’re acknowledging the sickness while still just casually expecting the person to work while sick.
ughhh coworker tired comments are the worst. i always wish i could be like, “well, no wonder, when i have to put up with this bullshit all the time.” also half the time, i’m just not wearing eyeliner.
Yes EXACTLY. I am just not wearing makeup. That is all. This is my normal face.
UGGGHHHH Stop Telling People They Look Tired!!!!!!
Congratulations on your first year anniversary! And your weekend plans sound totally, totes Fall perfect!
Oh man I have a really oblivious friend who didn’t understand at all why I was upset when I walked into lab one day and his immediate reaction was “wow, you look exhausted.” A different but similarly lacking in social graces friend joined a conversation that another friend and I were having about the fact that she had lost a ton of weight because she was going through a hard breakup and basically stopped eating and he was like “well, you look great!” Again, it took a while to convince him of why the correct response to “I’m depressed and stopped eating” isn’t “at least it’s working in your favor!”
You should burn a cd for her with the Arrogant Worms song “Baby Poo”. Maybe that’ll shake her out of it.
You are a genius.
An acquaintance of mine tells me I look stressed-out or miserable EVERY time we see each other. No matter how I am actually feeling. This past week, I finally just said, “You know, you always say that to me. It may be time to accept that this just is how my face looks.” She was completely taken aback, but it felt really empowering.
amazing. Putting this one in my pocket for later.
thanks for all the skincare recommendations last week! i started exfoliating and using toner and my pores got way tinier and my skin is sooo soft. magic!
in other beauty news…after fifteen months of growing out my pixie cut (i made it to a bob, a very fluffy bob) i finally said screw it and went short again. i’m weirdly…still getting used to it, even though i had it for seven years before i started growing it out. my whole wardrobe feels different now, which makes no sense.
That’s such a flattering haircut!
thank you! it’s funny how much my face feels out there now.
(also i tried to reply to this via my email and it doesn’t seem like it’s working…so if you get a double reply, apologies!)
LOVE the pixie.
thanks! 🙂
(also i tried to reply to this via my email and it doesn’t seem like it’s working…so if you get a double reply, apologies!)
Oh wow great hair!! I love that cut!
I my “beauty” news, I got my IUD out last week, and am hoping that will mean my deep, painful acne will start to clear soon (I’m 28 and never had acne like this until about 5-6 months after getting the Mirena)
thank you!
ahhh, i’ve heard things like that about the mirena! hope your skin clears up fast and you find another bc option that works for you!
(also i tried to reply to this via my email and it doesn’t seem like it’s working…so if you get a double reply, apologies!)
Um, that pic is so adorable. Also, your story is like a longer version of what happens to me in between every haircut. I get it cut and I’m like, “ooh I love this” and then as it grows out I’m like “oh hmm maybe I should grow it into a bob? that might be fun” and then it gets awkwardly long around the ears and I’m like “wait remember those halcyon days when it was so short and cute? i am still miles of hair away from a bob and it will look terrible the whole time until I get there.” Lather, rinse, repeat.
thank you! ahh, see i had a pixie for yearsss and when i finally tried to grow it out, i had to power through the horrible, horrible mullet-y, justin bieber-y stage…and it kind of wasn’t worth it, haha! hence the re-cutting.
(also i tried to reply to this via my email and it doesn’t seem like it’s working…so if you get a double reply, apologies!)
You look amazing! I had a pixie I got in 2013 that is now down to my shoulders, and I’m loving the longer length. What made you cut it off again?
thanks!
i never liked my long hair before i chopped it all off, and would always fight the wavy/frizzy texture, and then i had the pixie for almost seven years, so i didn’t really even remember what it was like, or what it would be like if i just let it do its thing? my bob turned out to be kind of wild and poofy and bouncy and it was cute, but it didn’t feel very me, honestly. and i wasn’t going to let it grow longer, because it was already thick and unwieldy enough that i couldn’t imagine having more of it, haha!
No, that totally makes sense! I have had both short and long hair and some of my wardrobe items don’t work with every hairstyle.
yeah, i’m definitely feeling the need to femme my wardrobe up a little more.
Ditto – as a previous pixe vaccilator, my clothing (re: necklines, button downs, and florals especially) all felt completely different whenever my hair changed.
Ooh yeah, florals are tricky!
i learned so much about exfoliation from that thread! my skin is…clearer? AMAZING.
me too! toasties are the smartest.
I recently got my first pixie cut ever after having a bob-with-bangs for three years. I FEEL SO CUTE.
My car is in the shop, waiting until I have a thousand bucks to pay for it. My cat is at the vet’s, pulled back from the brink of death by an as of now unknown amount of money. My dog got so upset by his illness and departure that she tore my cold weather bedding to shreds.
It snowed today.
How was your week?
I am sorry for your terrible, terrible week. I believe this calls for dessert for dinner. Or it would for me.
Also, winter requires fleece sheets.
And I’m dieting.
…
fml
All I want right now are carbs and sugar and a thick wad of cash.
Sometimes mental health and ice cream are more important than a diet.
Sorry about the shit week and the financial woes.
Yeah, I would declare a cheat day after all that nonsense.
In lieu of, maybe something you love that you can inexpensively treat yourself to? Cheap takeout? Mental health money.
I had super expensive car problems and super expensive vet bills that hit at right around the same time a year ago, so I hear ya. Good luck getting past it andI hope your cat recovers and has many wonderful years left with you!
Holy shit, that sucks. I hope your cat gets well fast and I send you wishes for Plentiful Surprise Money. If I had any comforting GIFs I would post them, but hopefully others will help out on that front…Stay warm!
I’m so sorry to hear about your “when it rains, it pours” week. Booooooo to it and it’s ilk. I’ll send power happy thoughts your way, especially for your kitteh. 😸
I have bronchitis and hate the world.
Preparing For Dysfunctional Family Holidays Thread!!
I don’t yet know my plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas yet, but I’m reasonably confident that between now and the end of the year I will be spending time with people from my family-of-origin, and historically there have been some……….. challenges.
I’d like to be more proactive this year in preparing for whatever nonsense happens, and I have a feeling that I’m not the only one with at least one family member and/or self with poor boundaries, addictions, mental health, physical health, etc etc etc that contribute to a turbulent holiday season.
So! Proactive self care!! Share your favorite books, blogs, links, videos, tips, tricks, scripts, playlists, traditions, rituals, etc. Nonfiction, fiction, poetry, music, pottery, chocolate. Whatever. Share what helps you take care of yourself so that holidays with family are better than they might otherwise be!
I’ll start:
Things I’ve done in the past that have helped:
I’ve found Toxic Parents to be helpful. I usually pick some music to listen to on the drive there and back, and make sure that I brings some sort of food product that I’m proud of. I make sure that I will be able to leave when I want to, and that I don’t plan on staying for TOO long. If necessary, I pre-negotiate boundaries (this has worked well in the past, especially with my sisters- IE, “we both agree to not-drink together”, or “please tell your son ahead of time not to say homophobic stuff”). I’ve also had limited success with bringing ingredients for really snazzy non-alcoholic drinks, so that by the end of the night, people are slightly less drunk than they might have been otherwise.
New plans/ideas for this year:
My plan for this year is to go through Captain Awkward and create note cards of possible helpful scripts for responses to inappropriate things, and possible safe topics. I’d really like to find additional nonfiction books/blogs/etc that will help me better sort out which dynamics and behaviors that I grew up with as normal were… not that. (In particular, the following issues: codependance, children of children of alcoholics, substance abuse generally, when drinking habits are probably not all the way into alcoholism but are probably solidly “problem drinking”, emotionally vacant parents, maybe narcissistic mothers).
I am going to take both of these suggestions and use them myself, thank you! I’ve been REALLY anxious about the holidays (I usually am because my family and my fiancé’s family are both dysfunctional but this year has been markedly worse for other reasons) and I just exhaled a big sigh of relief when I read these ideas. Thank you!
Too late to edit: “I’ve found Toxic Parents to be helpful” should be something more like “I’ve found the book “Toxic Parents” to be helpful”. That’s…. sort of a big difference.
I was wondering if it was a song, or perhaps a nursery rhyme chant, and very much wanted lyrics.
I had ‘Children of the Self Absorbed’ recommended to me by various mental health and family therapy professionals (who I paid to see and who were coworkers at the time) as well as regular people who had been helped by it.
It’s aimed at people with parents who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but also generally broadly applicable to parents with just terrible boundaries and other issues. Fwiw my mother almost certainly doesn’t have NPD, but it was so groundbreaking for me in realising some things weren’t normal – and for identifying the ways in which I react to those things which get us back into cycles and which were making the rest of my life difficult.
The book has chapters where it talks you through stuff and then there’ll be a workshop chapter. So for example the one that I still think about all the time has you think about how your parent makes you feel, and then write a 2-3 page journal entry about that. Some stuff came out that I had NO IDEA about, and I self reflect a lot. So it helps you work through your own stuff AND gives you good tools to use with the person in question.
There are several editions and you can easily find the older ones for cheap on better world books or amazon. I’ve been told all are good.
thank you for this, it is going to be a rough one in my family and I’m kinda new at that. I think the plan is to tackle the big stack of sci-fi/fantasy on my to-read list so my brain has work to do, imagining other worlds.
This series of posts (mostly the comments to the posts, actually, sort of like here!) are great: http://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archives/016…
I watch The Lion in Winter and Christmas Vacation immediately after Thanksgiving. Mostly to remind myself it can always be so much worse.
I’m hosting tgiving this year. Just for my parents and sister but this is the first time my parents have had to travel more than 45mins for thanksgiving. Ever. So my dad is not happy that he’s not spending the holiday with his siblings and their kids. My mom is mad that my dad is mad because we spend literally every holiday with his siblings and their kids.
My plan is to keep them occupied. If they’re bored they’ll start going after each other and me. It’s easy to keep my dad busy considering he’s a contractor and I just bought a house. I have no idea what to plan for my mom, and she’s infinitely worse than the rest of the family combined. Shopping is out because she won’t do black friday. Just about everything else will be closed. I’d like to avoid letting her in the kitchen because she’s a terrible cook and will rearrange my entire kitchen but I might just let her to keep the peace.
Oof. Maybe put her specifically in charge of a meal, like Friday lunch or something? That way, she’ll (hopefully) feel like you appreciate her “help,” while at the same time staying out of the way of the important meal.
Maybe decorating advice for you new house, if she is that way inclined? Or crafts? With of course the caveat that don’t open that can of worms if she won’t do boundaries….
What if it’s HOLIDAY decorating and crafting? That way, even if the christmas tree ends up looking ghastly, it’s only a problem for a limited amount of time!
AMAZING. You win my undying admiration and likely my sanity in about a month.
Okay, so I got an email from my mother this morning saying [sic throughout]: “The holidays are coming up already. For years, I have kept inviting you to all the major holidays but they’ve all been spent with [your partner]’s family. It’s nice that we had the pleasure of your company at least for some Christmas eves and last year for presents on Christmas morning. Usually, couples at least arrange for more equal sharing and work things out so they can spend holidays with both families (sometimes alternating). But since you haven’t spent Thanksgiving or Easter or Christmas day with us for years, I will just leave an open invitation for all the holidays and leave it at that.”
And that is . . . not even a little bit true. We’ve been alternating Thanksgivings the past three years because four years ago (i.e., when we were first in a position to plan how we spend our holidays as a couple), we hosted a Thanksgiving dinner for his mother and my family and it was apparently the worst thing that ever happened to my family. (They say it was awkward and they didn’t feel welcome because it wasn’t in their house and that I should understand that Thanksgiving was a holiday for spending with just your family.)__We’ve spent two and a half of the last four Easters with them.
We’ve spent three of the last four Christmas Eves with them and more than half of every Christmas Day with them.
Considering the fact that my fiancé’s parents aren’t together so there are two separate family halves for him to consider, we’ve still given my family pretty much half of our total holiday time if not slightly more.
So I’ve honestly been spending all morning having no idea what to do with this and probably dwelling on it way way too much. (It doesn’t help that I’m pretty much the only person in the office today. Lots of quiet time to dwell.)
I don’t really have anything helpful to add, I just kind of needed to share my current Dysfunctional Family Holiday predicament.
The delusional martyr parent is so tough. No amount of proof from you is going to make her see that she’s delusional. And no amount of giving in will make her back down from being the martyr. So I say do whatever you want!!
That is possibly the most concise and accurate description of my mother that I’ve ever read and somehow it feels better just to hear that. So thank you 🙂
I still remember where I was in the moment I realised the fallout from doing what my irrational martyr parent wanted me to do, and not doing it, would be *exactly the same*. So I could choose whatever I wanted to do. And wear the fallout, because it wouldn’t change either way (just in tone not in force, you know?) Oooooor not wear it, because I stopped taking her calls but I am not actively advocating that part for anyone else, it’s just what worked for me. I still answer emails and occasionally meet up but I do not converse over the phone with her, not since I found out what a panic attack feels like and was like ‘oh shit I’ve been having those whenever the phone rings’.
ANYWAY TL;DR, I would say that if nothing else, this is a clear signal to you that you should do whatever you would prefer to do. If she’s going to imagine that you’ve not seen them, then if you don’t want to see them this year or next year or if it’s too hard for some reason then… don’t. Don’t prioritise that. At least not unless you want to. It’s oddly freeing, in a kind of shitty way.
(I both love and deeply hate how many toasties are across these things)
All of that makes a lot of sense to me, honestly.
I’ve generally hit the point of mostly letting her communicate with me via text message if I’m not actually seeing her in person. Or, rather, I would sometimes let her phone calls go to voicemail so I could get an idea of what she wanted before calling back, and every time she left a voicemail, she would send me a message as well telling me to listen to the voicemail while also telling me what it said. So I just started replying to the text messages instead.
And I’m starting to realize that maybe I need to just do whatever I want to do sometimes, because probably when you always feel like the main part of getting ready to see your family is mentally prepping yourself for enduring unhappiness, maybe it’s not the best place to spend your time.
(I also kinda have one of those families where it’s hard to separate where “my family” begins and “my mother” ends because it all sort of functions as a single entity that triangulates through her. So that’s a great dynamic to navigate.)
(I also hate that so many folks here have dealt/are dealing with this kind of thing, but sort of really like knowing I’m not the only one. Makes me feel a little less like maybe I’m some isolated case or just imagining this mess.)
That was what I did. I let things go to voicemail and would call back. That was actually a HUGE step for me in feeling like I was in control. Usually I leave things a day or so before responding. Mostly to remind myself that I can choose in this situation, but also to remind HER of the same thing, and to make myself just less available on her whims. She seems to have gotten the message, actually.
My family had the same dynamic while my dad was alive. And it’s part of why I am so mad at her – I didn’t see him as much as I’d like before he died because it was so hard and when I DID see him it was all about her. And even when he died, most of that was about HER and dealing with her. It was awful. It did mean that my sister and I were free from that dynamic and see each other all the time, and it made seeing my extended family easier (but not totally stress free. She’s still invited to all my dad’s family’s events and that’s pretty awful, honestly. It means I just can’t really be close with them because I can’t relax when she’s around).
I 100% endorse dialing back on seeing your family if that is what works for you. You don’t owe them time. You don’t owe them ANYTHING. If they are/were a functional family they might be sad but they’d also be understanding of you needing to do your own thing.
I was thinking about this and I realised I just straight up don’t want to see my mother over christmas. It’s a month of super shitty anniversaries – my dad’s birthday, the anniversary of his death, then my birthday, then christmas, plus general anniversaries of the traumatic fallout from his death. Plus trying to do fun things and see friends and actually enjoy the season like I want to, because I am trying to reclaim it from all that. I am trying to work out if not seeing my mother (or at least, not making time to spend with her) over that month is feasible. Hmmmm.
For REALLS times infinity!!! When I realized that there was literally nothing I could do to make my mother behave in a semi-rational or emotionally responsible way, and just stared doing whatever I wanted, I no longer was filled with dread over the holidays. I mean, she’s going to be upset over something, might as well stop bending over backwards to try to avoid it, right?
If you think outside input would be helpful:
Most generously, it’s like that bit of research where men start thinking that women are dominating class discussion if they speak more than (some number less than 50) percent of the time—- she got used to having you for holidays ALL the time, so now 50% doesn’t feel like 50% to her. (that, or maybe she’s got other stuff going on. there usually is at least some other stuff, isn’t there?). But her *feeling* is clearly not based on rational fact, so merely outlining what has actually happened isn’t likely to make her *feel* any better (………. not that her emotional life is your responsibility).
This might be one of those scenarios where asking her some version of “what would your ideal scenario look like?” is helpful.
She probably wants you and your partner there for every holiday she thinks is important. That’s not gonna happen, but she also probably isn’t willing to admit that that’s her ideal. So she’ll probably say something like “we get every other holiday” or “we get either christmas eve or christmas day” or “we get a holiday every other year” or “thanksgiving is more important to me than easter, so if we can get thanksgiving every year, i’ll never bother you about easter”
Then you at least have something more reasonable to start with. You’ll still need to draw and enforce boundaries, but she’ll hopefully give you a bit more that you can agree with. She might feel more heard. She might have more buy in on the eventual plan. She might come up with a solution that you haven’t thought of that actually works (it’s rare, but, hey, sometimes it happens!).
You might still have to say no. She might want something totally unreasonable, and be unwilling to admit it’s unreasonable. She might not be willing to ask for what she wants, but still blame you for not figuring it out and doing it anyway.
I don’t know. Looking at everything I’ve typed, it seems like it would all be possibly helpful advice for a slightly dysfunctional family, or the one weird email and otherwise wonderful person might send, but under the much more likely scenario where this is just another example of gaslighting where your mother overwrites actual reality with her version, I don’t know, because I struggle with this too. You shouldn’t have to try to convince her of what reality is, especially when it may not work. But you also shouldn’t have to play along with her warped version of reality to try to avoid making her unhappy or uncomfortable. Things ARE uncomfortable, she made them that way.
ugh. ugh. ugh.
under the much more likely scenario where this is just another example of gaslighting where your mother overwrites actual reality with her version, I don’t know, because I struggle with this too.
Yep, sadly, that’s the scenario I’m pretty much working with here, so I’m sorry you have to deal with this too.
I haven’t yet figured out what the magic solution is between refusing to cosign someone’s fabricated reality and also knowing there’s no way to break them out of believing in the truth of that reality. I guess it’s probably just a sort of stunned silence?
I know her ideal solution would have me there at every holiday without my partner because she kinda hates him, but she also knows that that’s not a feasible reality because that version also depends on him not being there because we’ve broken up in order for the scenario to be perfect for her. (Full disclosure in case anyone’s concerned: There is no viable reason for her to hate him. She has never in the last six years given me a reason beyond vague hints about him being maybe controlling and abusive, which he is very very very much not. Or possibly because she’s semi-recently decided he’s bisexual–That conversation was horrifying and bizarre and I’m pretty willing to recount it to people because it was also kind of funny. Sort of.) So I think because she has to adjust her expectations to fit with a reality she’s unwilling to accept, she probably doesn’t have a good concrete idea of what the ideal situation would be for her, other than “one in which people do what makes me happiest.”
Carolyn Hax sometimes advises people who can’t win at holidays to celebrate with their partners and/or cats–and see family at non-holiday time. Obviously that one comes with a big cost to you–I assume you feel some desire to spend holidays with your family?
My family plays these roles, too. Practicing boundaries and Using Your Words* over decades *has* lessened the chaos over the years. #coldcomfort
I really like this advice: I haven’t celebrated a major holiday with my mom in over a decade, and I’m not sorry at alllllll. She gets SO much crazier and more martyr-y during the holidays, it took a lot of pressure off to make my winter visit after the new year instead. Though: sometimes it just is unfixable. I’ve Used My Words* for so long and in the last couple of years have just kind of given up. It’s too much, sometimes, and while sometimes I’m pretty sad that I can’t have happy family times, it’s better than trying to force the reality of the situation into a different shape. Less eye twitching!
We are definitely together in the “gaslighting mother hates partner without any rational justification” club!
My partner *also* has a super-dysfunctional family, and our solution is that we each do whichever family holidays we want to do, and we do them without each other. My parents really resent this, it makes it harder for them to pretend that we’re all a big happy family and that they have done (and continue to do) some inappropriate things. But while we’re both able to mostly keep our heads when our families say terrible things to US, we kind of lose our shit when someone does/says something terrible to the other, and so it would NOT be helpful to do events together.
This only solves SOME of the problems.
I constantly have to remind myself that I am NOT the one creating the problems. Therefore it’s not my job to fix them, and in fact it’s impossible for me to do so. This still means I have to live with the problems, unfortunately, but does cut down on the amount of the rest of my life I fret away trying to fix things that others are actively breaking.
I admire your tactics. You are GOOD at this. I wish you didn’t have to be <3
She probably hasn’t thought about what the ideal scenario would be. If she’s like my own mother, if pressed, she would come up with some hypothetically achievable but clearly unfeasable scenario. Because what she actually is is caught up in her own unhappiness to the point where she wraps it around her like an itchy blanket. It’s making her miserable but she’d feel exposed without it so she resists any attempts to remove it (mine, not yours. They sounds similar but I wouldn’t presume to know yours!)
I’m having a hard time thinking about Christmas. Last year was the first opportunity since 2010 for my whole immediate family to be together AT ALL, much less at Christmas. But one sibling decided that they weren’t going to participate because other sibling was going to be there. Those two haven’t spoken in years. It was a major bummer for me and my parents especially, that we didn’t get to spend the holidays all together again.
Backstory: Younger bro has major addiction problems and was pretty awful to Older bro. Younger bro never really apologized, Older bro is a major grudge holder and is still mad that he never got an apology and that M&D didn’t fully believe him when he first brought to light that little bro was using.
Anyways, last year was a mess of tears, because little bro was finally clean and coming home for Christmas and older bro refused to participate. This year, little bro has relapsed and is back in treatment but will hopefully be up for Christmas again and I am going to be SO MAD if they can’t find it in their hearts to mend fences for Mom’s sake. None of us have families of our own yet, but are getting near that point, so it would be nice to have an all together Christmas before we start having to split time between families.
I guess my self care is that I have lowered expectations for this year, but I am getting really exhausted and it breaks my heart. Addiction is THE WORST.
I listen to “Fun Home” on the way there and reflect on how much worse I could have it. Because tbh, my grandparent with dementia, ex-alcoholic uncle, and Fox-watching relatives aren’t that bad in the grand scheme of things. If they’re acting up I just start a mantra of “it’s only for three hours and then you’ll have a year without them.”
This is a fking BRILLIANT idea.
I’m already dreading the Christmas holiday, but I’m mad about it because Christmas is my favourite holiday (despite my heathen status). The dysfunction this year is exacerbated by the fact that I live in Canada & my parents are in the States. I don’t have any siblings, so spending this holiday together tends to be fairly important.
This year, I’m in a pretty bad way financially & I don’t have the money or the sufficient time off to go to the States. My parents have already come up to Canada an unprecedented number of times this year, so they want to avoid coming up in winter (I completely understand). The problem lies with me: I’m not comfortable telling my parents I don’t have enough money to travel far for the holidays.
Out of nowhere, I got an e-mail from my dad today saying he saw a cheap flight that he could buy for me to visit them for just under 2 weeks over the holidays, if I don’t bring my cat (he hates my cat, much as he hates most living things lol). There are 2 problems with this: 1) I’m a contract employee, I don’t make a lot of money, & there are quite a few days of work I’d be missing that would put me high risk for failing to pay rent, & 2) None of my friends would be around to look in on my cat for 2 weeks, I’d have to hire a sitter & for the holidays that’s a crazy expense I can’t afford any other time of the year. 🙁
I was planning to go to Toronto to spend the Christmas long weekend with my uncle & family (my dad’s brother), but I already know my dad is really unhappy with this idea though he hasn’t said that to me yet. I got an open invite to spend Christmas there from my aunt & I was excited about it (I can afford the transportation! I don’t miss work! I don’t need a sitter for my cat!), but if I go alone, my dad will think that people will wonder why he’s not there also celebrating with his brother blahblah tangled web of familial obligation that he’s not willing to meet & it’ll make him look bad. But if I don’t go to Toronto, I can’t go anywhere for the holidays & I’ll just be poor and alone. 🙁
Gah, this comment makes 0 sense so sorry for unloading all this holiday crap, but I didn’t know where else to spill it.
Your comment makes total sense. That sounds like a tough situation, and I’m sorry you’re in it. Jedi hugs if you want them!
*Totally unsolicited suggestion coming up, feel free to ignore*
I don’t know if this is helpful at all, but a question that came up for me while I was reading is: do you know why you feel uncomfortable telling your parents you can’t afford to visit? Like, is it general cultural shame (which, totally understandable if it is) or is it because you think they’ll react poorly, or something else? That might give you a clue as to how you want to proceed.
Your suggestion is totally welcome! I’ll take the hugs too, haha.
It’s definitely wrapped up in personal shame/embarrassment, with a strong dash of “I refuse to see pitying looks” & “no I will not accept your money I don’t care what you say” because I’m stubborn. I think the biggest sticking point for me is the provision my dad had placed of ‘no cat’ without considering that I can’t simply leave my cat alone for 2 weeks (I mean I could, but I would come home to a disgusting disaster & a traumatized cat).
My boyfriend and I are arranging holiday travel plans in parallel (we are not so much going home together, but we live in the same place and our homes are in similar places – currently in Bay Area and both from the New York Area). We have Very Different relationships with our families, and he’s said a couple of things casually that have been both upsetting and stressful but I don’t really want to get fully into. Like I was talking about trying to figure out how long I was going home for and I mentioned I was thinking about under a week and his first reaction was “oh, won’t your family be upset if you’re only home for that long?” and the answer is a complicated mix of “possibly, but sometimes they’re upset when I’m around for too long, and sometimes they tell me to never come back, and my mental health suffers precipitously when I go home, and their happiness no longer matters more to me than my own”.
It’s just frustrating because I don’t like talking about my relationship with my family – I essentially don’t talk to my parents, and we interact best with each other when we talk a few times a year, tops. My dad and I have a solid frivolous text relationship entirely about the NHL, but that’s about it. And my friends (including my boyfriend) who talk to their parents upwards of once a week are baffled by this, and I hate trying to defend it because it comes down to the selfish fact of I’m happier when I don’t have contact with my family. And I don’t want to have to justify that to people. And the holidays just make it work.
I hear you on this. I see my parents 2 or 3 times a year and that’s plenty. Most of my friends/coworkers can’t wrap their heads around it, and I’m like, it’s great that y’all have a good relationship with your families, but not everyone has that.
Yes and when I say I don’t see my mother they say ‘oh no!’ because they are imagining what it would be like to not see their mother, who they love.
I never had a mother like that, and whether I see her or not doesn’t change that. Usually now I say ‘I don’t see her very often because she’s not very nice to me’ which is true and generally shocks people into silence without needing to go into specifics (because the specifics don’t seem like much to people who haven’t lived with emotional abuse)
It’s part of why I talk about it so much, because I’m in a place where it doesn’t hurt so much now (at the moment) and I can afford to. And I have always appreciated other bringing it up and making it seem more normal to me.
Can you just………. not go, and do something more fun instead?
My general feeling is that, if people are terrible, you don’t have to see them (even if they are related to you).
This is my general feeling and now I really look forward to the holidays. I’m going to make Beet Wellington for Thanksgiving, and there will be no one to make a churlish face or complain about how there’s too much black pepper in everything! (Beet Wellington: a surprising delicious beet/ lentil loaf in a flaky cheddar pastry crust.) We shall book a cabin and go bird-watching for Christmas! We will exchange our handful of small, thoughtful gifts and NOT drive all over hell and tarnation to sit for hours with people who are talking shit about anyone who leaves the room, even to go to the bathroom! I fucking love it.
That sounds great! I could totally go for some Beet Wellington right now…
My mother is… pretty terrible, honestly, but my father is *usually* a pretty cool dad. And because of his health, they are pretty much a package deal these days.
It’s not always the best solution, and I definitely don’t go to *every* holiday with them, but, for now, the scale is still slightly in the balance of being worth going. But this is a calculation I check every time, and this is a generally good reminder for me (and everyone else who’s chimed in with situations of their own!)
I’m glad I’m not the only one already stressing about holidays. My mom was pretty excited to tell me my oldest brother is coming for TG. He’s not a nice person. He takes pleasure in making people uncomfortable, and is a fan of put downs. My sister and her family will be there to be buffers a bit, as well as one other sister and my younger brother. Part of the problem is that we’re all fairly religious, and he is very not, and likes to harass us about our beliefs. He also likes to talk about how much he hates my mom’s dog, and since I’ll be bringing mine, I’m a little afraid for her. It’s also not just for a meal, it’s for like 5 days together.
I’m so sorry. That sounds so so stressful. Will there be many opportunities to get out of the house and away for some breaks?
My office is infested with fruit flies and they seem to be attracted to the smell of my new shampoo. TFGIF.
i just shuddered in horror. set them all on fire. i’m so sorry.
Do you know the vinegar trick? Put 1-2 drops of dish soap in a glass of apple cider vinegar (or probably any vinegar) and leave it. By the end of the day it will have turned into the most satisfying little mass grave.
I do dish soap and sugar water when my compost flies get out of control, and it’s the most satisfying disgusting thing I’ve ever come home to after work. Once there were, like, twenty of them in there.
We tried a worm composting bin once, and things went terribly awry, to the point where the house was literally swarmed. I set up one of these traps in a bowl, and by the end of the day you couldn’t see the bottom of the bowl. It was horrifying, but also the only thing that helped clear the house of the little monsters.
Yeah, I do that at home. I just actually had a big invasion and had a trap with like 100 of them in it. Our office manager is allegedly looking into it but if they’re still here on Monday I’m going to have to take matters into my own hands!
Blagh, we had a mini-infestation of fruit flies in my house a month or so ago, and my boyfriend set up the ACV glasses (using our nice glasses instead of anything made of cheap plastic, whyyyy). He had me flush one of the little mass graves (what a great phrase though), and for some reason, the sight of all the flies swirling around made me gag, and hard. But I put up with it, because it works so well! We usually cover the glass with plastic wrap and poke holes, too, because the little fuckers just gleefully fly out of the trap otherwise. /shakes fist
Go home. That’s my only suggestion.
Agreed with the cider vinegar thing. I usually just put it in a cup with plastic wrap on top and holes poked in. They crawl in and can’t get out and die. Alternatively, a spray bottle with water and dish soap will kill any you spray it on. (This works AMAZINGLY for regular house flies, also.)
I think I’ve finally found an apartment! I went to look at a 2-bedroom on Tuesday (one of the people living there was moving out and wanted someone to take over their lease until at least June), and yesterday they contacted me and said I was their first choice for it! So now my application is being processed, and I’m figuring out a move-in timeline with the girl moving out. I’m so excited! After a year of living with my parents I’m finally going to have a place of my own again! And my commute will be cut down from about 2 hours each way, to about 2 metro stops each way. It’s going to be wild, I’m ready to actually have a social life again!
Congratulations!! I hope everything goes swimmingly.
And I thought my one hour commute was bad! Congratulations on your much shorter commute, that’s FANTASTIC!
Another week of lab disasters and feeling utterly overwhelmed by everything. I’m now running three projects, on top of class (for my 50% TAship), and writing this disaster of a paper and all the things I do outside of lab to keep myself sane. I know my PI is furious and frustrated with the fact that I keep messing up, and I know I need to tell him that I can’t do everything he wants me to, but I’m just so damn afraid and exhausted. I don’t want it to seem like I’m making excuses, but the anxiety is winning and I hate it.
In other news, this week’s You’re The Worst broke me and I think we all need to talk about it.
ugh, pi’s should be sent on courses so they understand that yelling at the science doesn’t magically make it better. do you have a second supervisor or a committee or something you can summon for a meeting to work out what absolutely needs to be done and what doesn’t?
I do actually have a committee meeting scheduled for Monday, but my secondary PI is a very dominating personality and he’s going to want all of these for the paper (which he will be on). And my PI is out of town until Sunday, other than when he’s going to call today to yell about my latest screw-up
“wow, PI, sounds like this issue is making you really emotional. maybe we can talk about it when you’re feeling calmer? *hang up phone*” <- I don’t actually recommend doing this, but I DO recommend immediately losing all respect for him. Does he really think yelling at you is going to help? (Trust me when I tell you, people shittier in the lab than you have gotten PhDs before, and will again. It will be fine.)
I hope the meeting isn’t horrible, and that at least some members of your committee are not Terrible. If you can lay out everything in detail that needs to be done and how long everything takes, you might be able ask for advice on a timeline, maybe, or even for someone else in the lab to do an experiment or two to help get through it. Or if not, at least have a bottle of wine in the fridge for when you get home?
I would second the timeline suggestion. My PI is generally a fantastic and very understanding boss, but even he can get a little overly excited/ambitious sometimes about new experiments. It can be helpful for me to say, “okay, I’m planning to do that, but this is the age mouse I need, this is what age they are now, this is when I would do surgeries, this is how long I need to wait after surgeries, and this is how long the experiment would take.” Realistically, it’s almost always several months between first talking about an experiment and it actually happening. If you can explicitly point out every step in the timeline, maybe you can show where he is being unreasonable in wanting things done.
That is the worst. I’m feeling overwhelmed in my lab this week too, and I know that I mess up way more when I feel like crap. Can you ask your PI to set priorities?? That way you can concentrate on whatever he thinks is most important first and let other things slide. Also if he asks you why other things aren’t done you can say you’ve been working on the thing that HE said was most important.
I think that’s where we’re going to have an issue- in our lab, behavioral testing comes first, and two of the three projects are behavioral testing, and it’s those that are stressing me out so much. And two of them are me working closely with undergrads, and involve a LOT of close monitoring and training, and I only really have until December to finish all my behavioral stuff and I don’t think he gets that, though I’ve told him REPEATEDLY.
I think he basically wants me to be our former post-doc and I’m not and I never will be and I can’t work up the courage to tell him that.
Crap. That really sucks.
🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 That’s really hard, and I’m sorry you’re going through that. I would second the suggestion of talking to your committee or another PI. You mentioned that you’re working with a couple of undergrads – could you tell your PI that you do not have the time/mental capacity to supervise people right now? Undergrads can be a ton of work – I’m not sure how much work they’re doing for you, but if losing them wouldn’t affect your data collection maybe they can work with someone else in the lab?
Also behavior sucks and takes forever, always. I’m moving into a heavy behavior phase of my project and it is really such a demanding and variable kind of work.
ETA: Also, on the undergrad issue – I worked with a grad student as an undergrad who I loved but had a really bad relationship with the PI. When I was working there for like a year she basically said “listen, you are doing great, I like working with you, but at this point I don’t have anything for you to do, you won’t be learning new skills, and I don’t think this is necessarily the most useful/best environment for you to be working in.” I really appreciated that, and ended up moving to a new lab that was fantastic and largely responsible for a lot of the success I’ve had. I think having that sort of conversation with the undergrads is totally valid if they can’t easily move elsewhere in the lab.
Hi, sorry for this really late reply. I am also enduring a non-ideal grad school experience. I feel your pain! One thing my therapist had me do when I was really worried about being able to meet deadlines was to walk through in detail what would happen if I didn’t meet the deadline, and it turned out to actually not be that bad.
It seems like your PI really needs you, in order to meet these goals he has for his research. Yelling at you is a terrible way to motivate you and will instead alienate you, so he is really not being a good manager. Is there anything worse he can do than yell? If not, then you’ve already endured the worst!
VIDEOGAME OPEN THREAD. What are all you folks playing this week?
And why isn’t it Tales from the Borderlands? This week’s gushing recommendation is for TftB, which just had its fifth and final episode come out on Tuesday, and by goddess I think it may be the best single series of a Telltale game to date. It’s got humor, it’s got pathos, it’s got evil corporations, it’s got fliiirting and love between robots and joyous lesbian engagements. Did I mention it’s got humor? Because it’s probably the funniest game I’ve played since Portal 2. And guess what? You get to spend half the time as a female protagonist with an awesome hat! Recommended even if you’ve never played Borderlands (or if you’re not a “gamer” – it’s a profoundly easy game to play).
I did not know tales from the borderlands was a single player, I thought it was a sequel to the online one! (i’m scared to play games online because someone might yell at me and you can die from that.)
Good news – Tales from the Borderlands is single player AND you don’t have to play any of the other Borderlands games online either – I’ve played them all completely solo.
As m98widow says, nope, it’s 100% single player! (Though you play as two protagonists, so I guess you could switch off with a friend as you switch between them for funsies?)
I SHOULD play that. I have Borderlands 2 downloaded but couldn’t really get into it. I know Tales is very different, so I should give it a shot. How important are the previous games on the plot?
I also spent the better part of the morning reading about Star Wars: The Old Republic & Knights of the Old Republic… I don’t know which to play! I’m leaning toward SWTOR but I really don’t want to play an mmo. For those who have played… How much does the MMO part really affect the game? Do I actually need to play with other humans? Ugh. Humans.
You don’t have to interact with other humans at all if you don’t want to! It does make some parts easier and you won’t be able to do the weird thing you do in MMOs to get the highest level gear stuff, those are in group missions for a side story line. The Empire is more fun than the Republic (surprise), but there are parts that get pretty draggy. If you are in it for the story I would say go KotOR, and just try to get through the Bioware spacemall part.
Tales should be totally fine without playing the rest of the series. Lots of return characters show up, but they’re introduced in the context of Tales, so it’s never a problem (example: there are two major characters from The Pre-Sequel, which I’ve never played, and I never felt like I was missing anything). Here are the only plot points you need: Pandora’s a planet full of unhinged, super-violent bandits, but it’s also got alien treasure Vaults which are sought by Vault Hunters, and Handsome Jack used to run the evil Hyperion Corporation before he got killed at the end of BL2.
Never played SWTOR cuz of the MMO thing either, but KOTOR’s a lot of fun. It’s old, but it holds up pretty well. How much do you know about what happens in the plot? (I knew the main spoiler years before I actually played it…) Though I personally prefer KOTOR2, which has probably the best writing and character work of essentially any Star Wars property. It happens after KOTOR1 but with a new character and plotline, and it has some surprise Nietzschean philosophy and stealth feminism (KREIA 4 LYFE).
I’ll add it to my list! Once I finish Fallout: New Vegas, Dishonored, my 80th replay of Mass Effect, and my Perfect Dragon Age Inquisition replay…
I don’t know anything about the plot of any Star Wars games. When KOTOR came out I was obsessed with it, in that I desperately wanted to play it but didn’t have the hardware. Someone I follow on Tumblr is a big fan and was posting stuff today and I realized………… it came out in 2003. My computer can play a game from 2003! What have I been doing all this time??
Ooo, then do yourself a favor and don’t read any spoilers! Heck, I think KOTOR is even out on iPad at this point, heh.
Hmmmm this is interesting. I couldn’t really get into Borderlands (then again, I started with the Pre-Sequel, and I’ve since learned that was a bad choice), but Tales from the Borderlands sounds pretty great. I shall investigate!
I literally just (the credits are rolling) finished Episode 4 of Life is Strange – I’m “working from home” today, which mostly means having my email open and replying to anything that comes in while playing games in between. I’ve heard the last episode is disappointing so I’m tempted to just play it now and be done, but I probably should be a little more productive at some point today.
Do eeet! It’s a whole nother animal from the FPS games – it actually has a plot and character interaction!
I really need to start Life is Strange… I wish they’d put it on Mac, so I could play on my laptop (for some reason short episodic content feels much better when I’m lying on a couch, rather than sitting upright at my desktop).
Life is Strange is so great! I haven’t played the finale yet (weekend plans) but the game is both really fun to play and really emotionally engaging!
I gave in and played the finale. I have mixed feelings about the game as a whole, but I know a lot of people were really mad about the ending and I’m…not? It was fine? Super dark, but fine.
Oh dear, it looks like I’m in for another cry-fest. I think the early episodes made me think that the game was consciously trying to address serious topics without getting too dark (i.e the viral video features kissing), so the fourth episode caught me really off guard with just how heavy it got and I ended up bawling through most of the alternate future with Chloe.
I am continuing to play Destiny, and I started Broken Age last week because it was free on PS4. I also need to play episodes 4 and 5 of Tales from the Borderlands.
Halo 5 comes out next week and I’m kind of… not excited? I hate that there’s no couch co-op, and I’m annoyed that they finally, FINALLY put Kelly into a game and I will probably never get to play as her because I won’t be playing co-op online with anyone. Plus, my experience with the Master Chief Collection has not been great. My fiance and I tried to play through it all together like we’ve done with most Halo games in the past, but it crashes after every single level so we finally gave up somewhere in Halo 2.
I keep forgetting that Halo 5 comes out next week. It feels like there should be more fuss over that? Between that and Syndicate this week, it feels like an oddly subdued Fall for game releases. Or Fallout 4 is overshadowing everything.
I’m so excited for Fallout 4 that I took time off near its release (which also happens to be near my birthday) to play it.
NICE. (Did the same with Inquisition last year, heh – so worth it.) I am divided between playing it the minute it comes out (yay unemployment!), versus waiting a few weeks for the earliest PC mods to show up. “But BourneApprox, there are a voiced PC and romances this time!” Shut up brain!
I saw an ad for Halo 5 and it made me feel ollllllld.
How are you liking Broken Age? I loved it a lot but I also feel like I am 100% exactly the target market for that game.
I bought Fallout 4 for my dude for his birthday. In anticipation I started playing Fallout 1, which he has never played. I made it to 2 hours of still killing rats and realised why I don’t play games like that anymore.
Dragon Age Spoilers Ahead!
I FINALLY got around to playing the Trespasser DLC for DAI and I’m still recovering. My Inquisitor romanced Solas, and while the ending was more positive than I had been expecting (he lied about way less than I was expecting and you can choose to attempt to redeem him rather than being forced to kill him) the whole experience was such a whirlwind of mixed emotions. I ended up being pretty spot-on with predictions about the veil/elfy-elf stuff, but the “yay, I was right” feelings were pretty much immediately followed by “oh no, I was right” depressing-ness. And the final conversation with Solas was so frustrating! I just wanted to hug him and tell him it would be alright and that he didn’t need to go it alone and yell at him for being such a dipshit (seriously man, a few years in the post-veil world after being in uthenera for thousands of years is not enough to decide that it isn’t salvageable).
I love that a major coup in the Solas romance is “he lied about way less than I was expecting.” I gotta replay to romance him someday. He’s totally gonna be the antagonist in DA4, isn’t he?
Probably 🙁 I’m really hoping that Bioware will break with tradition and have the inquisitor be a playable character in the next game because I just can’t imagine working against Solas as anyone else. It seems unlikely though, especially since she lost her hand which kind of rules her out for combat. And yeah, playing through the romance when you already know his big secret is an experience. I romanced him on my first playthrough and you could definitely tell he wasn’t being completely honest with you, but I completely missed a lot of things that should have tipped me off to way more. My second Solas romance playthrough definitely involved a lot of yelling “you lying bastard” and “ugh, you weren’t even subtle, how did I miss this.”
I am almost done with my Solas-mancing Inquisitor. I did it for the angst. Oh which there will be much. Poor elf lady.
I know you romanced him so you have different… opinions … than I do, but MAN was it satisfying to yell “She can’t kill Solas, I’M GOING TO KILL SOLAS!” I mean, I opted for the redemption path once I found him, but I really felt like my Inquisitor needed to get some things off her chest right then.
I can’t imagine romancing him without knowing his secret. HEARTBREAKING. I probably would have reloaded 800 times like “I know I just chose something wrong to make him leave, I’ll just replay it again!!”
(Although I am still LIVID with Here Lies the Abyss. I literally sat dumbfounded at my screen looking over those choices, then started screaming about it while my BF sat in the other room half listening. I think I stormed around for a good hour. I definitely reloaded a few times. When a friend who played it came by, I mentioned how heartbreaking it was and he didn’t get it — He traveled with Hawke and Stroud and had NO IDEA it might have been different for my game, where Alistair was a Grey Warden, in love with my Warden, and Hawke/Anders is up there in OTP rankings and auggggh I am getting all upset about it again – GDI Bioware you were supposed to deal with that decision in Trespasser! !)
I mean I definitely I wanted to yell at him, but I think my desire for an explanation kind of overruled any murderous intent until I had calmed down a bit. Although the whole ” I didn’t really see you guys as people at first” is definitely still doing a number on me. And you pretty much hit the nail on the head with the breakup scene. It was just so confusing and out of nowhere and then he promised that everything would be made clear after you defeat Corypheus and then he just GHOSTED and just uggghh.
And yeah Here Lies the Abyss was a doozy. My first playthrough ended up with Stroud vs Hawke and I ended up killing Hawke because I didn’t feel right about sacrificing someone else so that “my” character could live and then Varric was SO SAD and I felt like the worst person in the world. I can’t even imagine being blindsided with an Alastair vs Hawke choice, especially since “Alastair and the Warden go off to rebuild the Grey Wardens” seemed like the happy ending for that couple. And I definitely want confirmation of what happened to whoever got left behind. The phrasing of the choice was so ambiguous and its driving me nuts!
I meant to play this the final episode the last 2 nights, but got distracted listening to Hamilton! Tonight for sure, either before or after I see Crimson Peak.
Dang, that sounds like a pretty sweet weekend!
I am working my way through Dragon Age: Inquistion. The combat is startlingly bad, which I had heard going in but is still a surprise, but the story is so far fine. Not great, but fine.
Have you played the other DA games? What race are you playing as in Inquisition? WHO ARE YOU GONNA BONE?
I’m a human and I am going to bone Josephine. I have played Dragon Age: Origins and Dragon Age 2 and I like the fighting in both so so so much more. The storyline in DA2 is my favorite of the 3, though obviously not without flaws.
DA2 is the best of the series
DA2 occupies a weird liminal space where I simultaneously love it and hated playing it. The characters/story were so good! But those repeating dungeons were so irritating! Also, forever sad that Varric wasn’t romanceable, especially since Bianca turns out to be so shitty to him.
Asking the important questions lol
I don’t understand why they got rid of more detailed companion AI in combat! It seems so silly that you can only make them attack the same enemy as the controlled character or defend a certain character.
I don’t either. At all. It’s really baffling why it is impossible to not have your ranged characters end up standing right next to a Dragon and not doing anything to run away.
I should play Tales from the Borderlands, shouldn’t I? Hmm, might have to get it this weekend.
However, this week I was super retro and played several hours of Mass Effect 3 multiplayer. I was kind of a little amazing at home many people were still playing it!
Agh, I miss ME3 MP so much! I spent countless hours playing Firebase White as a geth Engineer farming credits until they redesigned it. And my beloved asari Valkyrie…
I love my little demolisher engineer and her shield/grenade turret. Did you play on the 360? You could still play you know, there are still people playing it!
I would, but we sold the 360 in the “sell your last gen console and get $150 off a next gen console” sale a few months back. I am anxiously awaiting a rerelease of the trilogy on the next gen consoles so I can PLAY IT ALL AGAIN.
When you replay are you going to be the same Shepard or a new one?
I am going to do a definitive playthrough, which is basically just my original character and choices, but Infiltrator instead of Adept. I never really settled on a love interest. I always wanted to date Tali, who turned out to be straight, and then James, who was the only person in the game to point out that a Commander shouldn’t date her subordinates. Dammit, James.
I was waiting for the episodes to get close to being finished before I picked it up so I just started on Tales earlier this week. I startled my husband in another room bursting out laughing at the loaderbot so A+ so far. I have a lot of affection for BL1 and 2 since they were basically my first shooters and I played through them entirely in co-op with the aforementioned husband, but we skipped Pre-Sequel, so it’s fun to be back on Pandora for the first time in a while.
I’m definitely going to keep going on it, buuuuuuuuut I got yarn Yoshi yesterday (including the amiibo which is just unfair), and also I picked up Mario Maker, and then there’s a Halloween event happening in FFXIV, and Rock Band is back in our house and and and….
FYI: Loaderbot is the best character in the entire damn game.
How is yoshi? I’ve been thinking about getting it but all the side-scrolling mario games I’ve tried (including the new ones) I haven’t liked (I LOVE galaxy/3d world/3d land though). So I’m on the fence about it. I may just buy the amiibos because they are adoooooorable.
Yoshi is GREAT. It’s super fun and completely adorable. I’ve had to pace myself so I don’t finish it too quickly. I didn’t get any amiibos and am also playing solo and it doesn’t lessen the fun at all.
I’m trying to decide whether to get mario maker or splatoon.
SPLATOON!!!!!
Ahem.
I think you should get Splatoon.
I’m still in the first world so I can’t tell you how it is overall but I’m liking it aesthetically at least and the gameplay seems like good Yoshi. I’m not sure how to compare it to the Mario games though since the Yoshi games are more about revealing secrets within the environment by throwing eggs, or in this case, balls of yarn. If you like trying to find all the red stars/stamps/etc in Mario, this might be for you, but if you’re not into that, you might find it kind of dull.
The amiibo is so cute. It super isn’t critical for the game though — it basically acts like a cherry in 3D World that you can summon at will by tapping the amiibo. (If you have any other amiibos they unlock different color patterns for Yoshi to make it look like that character, sort of. So far I like regular-ass Yoshi the best, so.)
The FFXIV Halloween event is pretty brief, if that makes it easier 🙂
I have been playing this mindbending first person puzzler called Antichamber. I honestly feel like the game would make more sense on acid – it has an internal logic, it’s just completely unlike actual physics and I’m also not sure what the goal is.
I played episodes 4 and 5 over the weekend and they were just SO GREAT (technical issues aside). I want to give this game a huge, happy hug.
And they continue to kill it with the music selections.
Yussss! *Bro Fist!* (“Girls can be bros too!”)
Toasties who know about shoes! Both of my beloved pairs of boots died on me last week and I would really like to replace them with a pair that will last more than a couple of years. I’ve heard good things about Frye boots, but they’re sooo expensive. Does anyone know if they’re worth it? Do you have other suggestions for brands of at least somewhat stylish ankle-length flat boots that will last forever?
I’ve had really good experiences with Born!
I own two pairs of Frye boots and a pair of their flats. I’m actually wearing a pair right now! My boots are the Harness 12R in a shade of red not currently available and the Reina bootie in camel. I honestly think they’re worth EVERY FREAKING PENNY. But if you’re looking for a way to get them on sale, try 6pm? That’s where I got my Frye flats, and the price was GREAT.
I love my Frye boots. Worth it. Great boots, super comfy, extremely well made, will last through the apocalypse. My mom had a pair of Frye boots in the 70s that lasted her like 30 years.
“will last through the apocalypse” is such a great description. Also, if we had an apocalypse and I was at home and able to choose appropriate clothing & things to pack before venturing out? I would totally wear my Frye Harness boots, which are appropriately stompy and walkable. And bright red.
Frye boots/shoes really are amazing, but I feel you on the price aspect. I got my pair off of eBay by setting up an alert for the size and style I wanted.
This is what I did too! I got a beautiful pair in great condition for like a quarter of the price.
Clarks are super-comfy to me and seem pretty durable: I’ve owned my (heeled) ankle boots for two years and my clogs for a year. They’re both second-hand and doing very well.
(rargh this mislanded at first, sorry person who accidentally got a shoe-related message)
If you live near a Nordstrom Rack or Neiman Marcus Last Call, check those out for Frye boots! Or hunt in vintage shops. I see Frye boots on discount pretty frequently (in Chicago) but I’m a stupid size 11 and none of them are in my size 🙁
My Frye boots got holes in the soles after a couple winters, but I’ve heard that they’re easier to repair than a lot of other shoes, and am planning to take them to a shoe repair place one of these weekends. They were definitely something I wore day in and day out before I wore them out!
La Canadienne Perla! Also expensive, but comfortable, waterproof, nice-looking, and kind of cool.
GHOST THREAD
Share your spooky stories here, people. Real or fake, happened to you, happened to your third-cousin’s ex, happened in a book you read, doesn’t matter. Tis the season.
(My own will be in another comment as soon as I can be bothered to type them.)
Alternately, yell more about Crimson Peak here?
I wish there was a “following” option, because I am SO here to read others’ ghostly tales!
I went on a road trip a couple months back with the specific theme of staying in haunted place sin the hopes of encountering ghosts. It was mostly a bust, except for one thing that we (me and friends) argued over whether or not was a happening.
In an adorable haunted bed and breakfast in Lafayette that we miraculously had to ourselves for the night, we all wandered the rooms trying to memorize what was there so we’d be able to spot any changes and one like the third or fourth round of doing this – for the first time we saw a bright red umbrella opened up and sitting on the ground in one of the rooms. My brother was all like “eh, we probably just didn’t notice it on the first few multiple walk throughs” and I was like “bitch, it’s a bright, red open umbrella and we were SPECIFICALLY TRYING to notice everything.” So I count it as a happening, although it’s not so spooky. Wish the ghost would have given us more to work with.
Earlier this week I started writing a fictionalized, ghost-story version of some real things that happened in my family history, particularly set in my grandparents’ actual house, and I think I spooked myself so hard that Thanksgiving with the fam is going to be more terrifying than usual.
The true story contains: two fires, one arsonist who was never caught, a dead child, a floundering business, a depressed historical figure, a highly-debated candy bar, a terrifying midnight phone call, a beloved Canadian children’s novel, zoning permits, a secret passage behind the bookcase in the study, and two dead fox carcasses lying on the beach.
The ghost story contains: all of that, plus a ghost.
There’s so much darkness and weirdness to the real story, I got spook-intrigued. I guess I never realized how crazy the history of my grandparents’ house is.
Ooh! Sounds god.
I want to read that.
This isn’t really all that spooky, BUT one of my earliest memories is of walking with my grandfather through the small Romanian village where he was born and grew up (and kept his childhood home as a summer house). We passed by a dead dog on the side of the road, and my grandfather gingerly picked it up and tossed it out of sight in the bushes. When we passed by the same spot on the way back, a dog about the same size, with the same coat pattern, emerged from the bushes and walked jauntily past us.
I wasn’t scared so much as awed by this undeniable proof that my grandfather had the power to bring dead dogs back to life.
whoa. It sounds like he did!
I moved into a brand new dorm my sophomore year in college, and the weirdest shit kept happening. At different times I woke up with glass shards in my bed, our art would constantly fall on us while sleeping, mysterious bruises would appear, our shower caved in for no reason, the tv would be working fine but then switch to a different program and keep switching to it if you tried to go back or turn it off, and both of us constantly heard snoring from the other person’s bed when no one was there. Just general weird and ghosty stuff. Naturally, we decided it was a ghost named Sebastian who had been killed during construction and now haunted our room. We started saying hello and goodbye to him whenever we entered or left the room and the bruises and bad stuff stopped. The TV and snoring however continued for the rest of the year.
I’m reading the open thread on Sunday morning in bed, so sorry this comment is late – but… you woke up with GLASS SHARDS in your bed??? That is one vengeful ghost!!
I’m actually not a big ghost person but I have never been able to figure out a logical explanation for how those glass shards got there, or how I managed to wake up without any cuts
My mom believes that the ghost of the previous owner haunts the family home. Not in a frightful or menacing way, just as a cantankerous household spirit. The ghost is responsible for things like the shower suddenly going cold, or the light in the hall that nobody remembers turning on. When these things happen, my mom sort of exasperatedly says “Florence, knock it off!” (Florence is the ghost’s name.) It’s the kind of thing that sounds like a joke or affectation when she says it but she actually really believes it. She’s a great believer in angels, too.
Not a ghost story, but this scared me so much I nearly peed my pants.
One day I was walking my dog in the morning. It was December and it was about 6 in the morning, which is basically the same thing as blackest night because winter. We were walking through the park on the same route we always take, and I had my flashlight. As we rounded a corner, I sneezed and from the shadows of the gazebo a man’s voice said “bless you”. I know he was just being polite, probably did it on reflex, but it scared the crap out of me, and then I practically ran home because all alone in the park with a strange man.
Yikes! I would have panicked too!
Coming back from an evening run a few months ago, I saw a figure walking towards me down the sidewalk. The street lamps made it look weirdly elongated, and it seemed to be moving in this kind of odd lurching way. My brain immediately decided it was some unholy combination of Slenderman and the Smiling Man (I’m not gonna link that bc then I’d have to go find it) and I lost my tiny mind. My house was between me and the figure, and so I decided my best bet was to make a break for the door, so I started running towards it. Within a few steps I saw that it was just someone walking their dog (who was pulling at the leash, hence the odd gate). I feel very silly.
When I was a little kid, my family lived in a big creaky house that was around a hundred years old. There was a set of glass doors that separated the dining room from the foyer, and if they were ever left open a crack and not latched, they would swing open whenever you stepped near them. Naturally, I decided that we were being haunted by the ghost of a kindly old butler who just REALLY wanted to open doors for people. For a while I even would thank him every time I used that doorway.
I was scared of a LOT of things as a child (fire, murderers, kidnappers, the evil vet from the Beethoven movies), but the idea of my own house being haunted by ghosts was not one of them, apparently.
Ok, this is my old boss’s story! It’s the most trustworthy ghost story I’ve ever heard, but I’m not 100% I believe it.
So when my boss was in college, she was visiting her sister, who was staying with her boyfriend’s family. The boyfriend’s family owned a mortuary and lived on the grounds, through a long hallway that connected their living quarters to the funeral home. This was in Australia.
So my boss arrived and was led to a guest bedroom to freshen up after her trip. Her sister and boyfriend were going out that evening to meet some friends, and she decided to stay back because she was jet-lagged. She was being kind of goofy, jumping and dancing around the room, when she flopped on the bed and looked up to see a man in her doorway. He was wearing an old-time military uniform and his feet weren’t touching the ground.
As she stayed on the bed, frozen, the man glided across the room and leaned over her. His mouth didn’t move, but she heard a voice in her mind as clear as day, saying “I will kill you.”
Her heart about stopped, but just then, a woman in long skirts glided in from the hallway. She barely acknowledged my boss — just a sideways glance and a small nod — but took the man by the arm and led him out of the room. And then they were gone.
THE END. Now taking bets on whether my boss was messing with me or not.
when she flopped on the bed and looked up to see a man in her doorway. He was wearing an old-time military uniform and his feet weren’t touching the ground.
NOOOOOOOOOO. This is so my fear at night. Ha I’ve got the place to myself this weekend and I’m probably going to watch a scary movie anyway! Even though it will probably make me afraid to open my bedroom door to go to the bathroom tonight. Eek.
The boyfriend’s family owned a mortuary and lived on the grounds, through a long hallway that connected their living quarters to the funeral home.
What I want in a man.
One of the weirder things that happened to me: one night, I had a vivid dream where I left my body, and floated over an car accident scene. I had the impression that a little, round travel trailer had gone over an embankment and a death occurred…just as I was about to hover over the body, a deep disembodied voice spoke from above, saying “It’s not nice to stare” and then suddenly POOF, I was back in my body, lying awake in bed.
The next morning, I learned that a VW Beetle had rolled off the highway and the driver had died in the crash. My dream got the vehicle wrong but was close in it’s description (small, round) and I’m left wondering why I dreamt it at all. Not as if I knew the driver, you know?
I got two more “out of body” stories involving family members but their more sad than weird: I got to say goodbye to my Dad after he died (out of body dream where we sat together on his deathbed and he reassured me that he was fine, etc.) and getting jolted awake with an intense heart pain (Nana passing away with a heart attack within minutes of my chest pain).
GHOST STORIES.
My Grandmother on my father’s side always claimed that people on her side of the family have always been able to see ghosts, most specifically the ghosts of loved ones. My father has numerous stories, and so did she, and I’ve had several of my own as well.
– The first time I saw something I was a child. I’m not sure of the actual age, but it was when I was still sharing a room with my sister, so it must have been something under the age of 9 or so. I was sleeping on the top bunk when something woke me up. When I sat up in bed I looked down, and there was an old lady “standing” at the foot of my bed; she had glasses, and curly white hair, and she was overall just very “grey” looking. At first, that’s what I thought she was doing, just standing there at the foot of my bed. It took me a few seconds to remember that I was on the top bunk, and it was impossible for her to be standing there like that. I think my thought process was something along the lines of “no, she’s floating there!” and then “omg she’s a ghost!!”, to which I instantly hid under the covers, panicked, for a good half hour until I looked again and she was gone. The next day I told my grandma (who lived downstairs), and she asked me questions about how she looked (glasses, hair, etc). Without saying anything, she pulled out a photo album, rummaged through it, and pointed to a photo of the exact woman I’d seen… my great-grandmother, who had died before I was born, and who I’d never seen a picture of prior to that point.
I had a particularly active period I think when I was going through puberty… which seems to be “a thing” if you research stuff like that. Moments included:
– Seeing people on the street out of the corner of my eye who weren’t there when I looked at them (this still happens occasionally).
– Going into a house that had once reportedly been haunted until the owners put up a bunch of blessed crosses on the wall. I stood there in the living room, and one of the crosses fell off the wall to the floor so I left.
– I was never able to go into hospitals without feeling the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, like someone was right behind me whispering or talking. Sometimes I’d hear voices that weren’t there. To this day I hate going to hospitals.
– When my grandmother passed away (around my 17th birthday), and I went to college, my parents moved my stuff into her home on the first floor of our two-family house. At night when I’d go down the hallway, I’d see her rocking arm-chair moving on it’s own frequently. My dog used to also sit in the kitchen and stare down the hallway, moving her head from left to right as if watching someone cross from one room to the other across the hall.
– Once while driving with my ex-husband on a winding foggy road I felt like there was someone in the back seat of our car. I could feel the weight of them, and that tingling at the back of my neck. Finally I shouted “leave me alone!” out of frustration… and felt a burning sensation across the back of my neck. After that, the backseat of the car felt empty again, but I had a red slash mark (kinda like a rug burn) on the back of my neck for several days.
But the longest-lasting of all these was what I called the “shadow man”. From the time that I was a kid (originally in the bedroom I shared with my sister) I used to see a shadowy figure at night. It (I always called it “he”) stood at the foot of my bed/by the door and just watched me. When I was a child it didn’t bother me as much, but it used to make me very anxious as a teenager and later as a young adult. The older I got (past teenage years) the less I saw him, but he “followed” me from my shared childhood room, to when I got my own room as a kid, to my college dorms, when I lived downstairs on breaks, and to my first apartment. Once I got to be around 23 or so I only saw him very, very rarely, and after that (once I’d gone through marriage and divorce and really “grown up”) I stopped seeing it. I still have terrible anxiety about doors, however, and even though I just turned 30, I still have a night light by my bedroom door because otherwise the darkness by the door makes me incapable of sleeping.
But the longest-lasting of all these was what I called the “shadow man”.
I should probably stop reading now.
*keeps reading*
The Shadow Man is a pretty common haunt, actually – I’ve seen him ever since a was a little kid, but he actually follows me around, just in the edge of my vision. Creepy bastard.
The museum (historic house) I work in is supposed to be really haunted. I’ve been here a year and haven’t had any substantial experiences though. There’s the occasional creaky floorboard when I’m the only one in the house, and the occasional creepy feeling (like someone’s in the room with you, but you’re the only one there kind of thing), but nothing that really makes me feel weirded out. My boss claims to have smelled someone’s perfume in one of the rooms when no one had been in there.
My second through fourth years at uni I lived in a group flat which was haunted. It was two floors, and everyone who had a room on the first floor had separate experiences where they would at some point wake up in the middle of the night and feel like someone was in the room with them. I moved from the second floor (where I had no experiences) to the first floor before my fourth year and about two months in I had the “wake up because someone’s in your room” sensation. We even had a few friends spend the night on our couch at different points, and without them knowing anything about the experiences they would tell us the next morning about how they woke up because someone came into the room in the middle of the night. It never felt threatening though, it was just like, yeah there’s this extra presence here. We also all agreed that it felt like a male presence and not a female. We also would have random things just disappear and the reappear where they didn’t belong on both the first and second floor. At one point our electric kettle turned itself on. We named the ghost Theodore (Teddy) and would chat with him from time to time (he didn’t really chat back).
Best ghost tour I ever went on was Gettysburg. They have a ghost dog and he’s following in the pawsteps of Hachiko. He howls every year on the anniversary of his human’s death and growls if you get too close to his human’s grave.
I went on a ghost tour in Gettysburg a few years back and loved it! Gettysburg is amazing anyway, but they really do know how to do up the ghost story aspect of things! I also did a ghost tour of Boston like a year ago, which was interesting but not as compelling as the Gettysburg one!
I wrote a thing for this very website about ghosts in Gettysburg! Specifically at the college, but you know 🙂
So I have lived in roughly twenty-two different houses/apartments/dorms/barracks over the course of my life. A lot of them were old. As far as I know, only two of them were brand new, never been lived in before. So I’m a little shocked that more supernatural shit never went down. My younger sister, no matter the house, would always wake up with bruises, scrapes, etc, and began blaming it on some “other” fairly quickly. My mother always had the stories about one of her childhood homes being built on an Indian burial ground. (It was the seventies/eighties. She wanted to be on trend.) I had a friend who maintained she saw ghosts. I watched In Search Of… religiously. Meanwhile, here I was, the kid who loved ghosts so much that Slimer was my childhood imaginary friend, and I encountered nothing.
I went to my first, all women’s college and heard all the requisite collegiate ghost stories. (The confederate gravesite underneath the freshman dorm, the jilted junior hanging herself in the closet, the botched abortion story, etc, etc.) Nothing. I even spent two weeks over the summer as the only person living in the oldest, supposedly most haunted dorm on campus. I scared myself, but nothing ever happened.
Joined the Air Force. Heard all the military ghost stories -eerily similar to the collegiate ones in most respects- and nothing. I even spent an entire ten minutes or so in the haunted airman’s quarters. (People living on either side of it would call the sergeant on duty in the middle of the night to tell them that someone inside was trashing the place. No one had been assigned to the room for years. There were various theories as to why.)
The scares I managed to give myself were more low key. There was the time in Texas, driving in the early morning somewhere between Sweetwater and San Angelo, when I went down a side country road towards a distant red light, telling myself that I would turn around and reorient myself when I got to it. But no matter how long I drove the light never got any closer. Eventually I turned in the middle of the road and headed back. As I drove away I became convinced that the red light now in my rearview was moving closer as I drove away. But it was late, in the middle of nowhere, and I’d been driving for most of the day through various ghost towns. Your mind goes strange when you aren’t looking.
A year before I left the service I took a chunk of leave and went to visit my parents. They had just moved to their current house in Vermont, a state I hadn’t lived in since I was a child. All of our houses then had been old and the most recent was no exception. An old farmhouse with its very own sign and name, a porch swing, and a row of almost two hundred year old maples, it perches picturesquely off the road. Behind it is the rest of the mountain. Below is the valley. Forest is everywhere, grown over most of the old farms. On the first day there I helped them go through boxes and explored on my own, walking down the road to the old graveyard and reading the stones. Then I came back and fell into the top bunk of my brother’s bed. (The only free spot in the house for an extra child.)
That night, wide awake and trying to fall asleep again, I convinced myself that a bug was crawling on the top of my head. Without much thought, I smushed my head against the pillow, figuring I would trap or crush it. But there was nothing there. Immediately afterwards the tapping started in the plaster walls, rhythmic pops and bangs that my preteen brother slept blissfully through. The next day I told everyone, a little proud that something had finally happened to me. The morning after that my sister marched triumphantly to the breakfast table and showed everyone the bruises on her legs, claiming something pinched her in the night. I had no new experiences of my own. Besides a series of night terrors in which something kept burrowing its way through the sheets towards my face, the rest of my stay was entirely peaceful.
Until the last night.
I was meant to be gone by then, but my flight was delayed and I was back to spend another night. Dusk had fallen and dinner was over when the popping noises began. My mother and I could both hear them. We checked the house, the garage, then decided that they must be coming from outside. Someone in the valley must be setting off fireworks. We both went out and stood on the edge of the porch, but for some reason neither of us looked down into the valley. Instead we watched the woods. The popping had stopped, but we both stood still, waiting. First came a few bright sparks of red that seemed to come from the pines near the pond. I had just enough time to think to myself ‘firefly from hell.’ Then just across from us on the other side of the driveway there was a sudden massive swirl of red and white lights, twisting and turning and sparking and then abruptly gone. My mother and I looked at one another, nodded, and went back in the house. The crucifix she made my father hang over the door that night is still there today.
The house is strange. A lamp shattered in my other brother’s room, the bulb blown to dust. My youngest brother maintains that he saw the upper half of a woman in the parlor as he came down the stairs. My mother hears children. We’ve all heard the bangs and crashes in the middle of the night. I have come into the house and held entire one-sided conversations with the family member I am convinced must be upstairs, announcing my intentions, grabbing what I came for, then leaving, only to find out later that no one was home. But you can hear someone moving upstairs so clearly that you can convince yourself the antisocial gamer brother is home and shuffling around. Just yesterday I did it again.
It’s a strange old house.
ETA: And clearly the creepiest thing to take away from all this is that I have a sibling so antisocial that he can be confused for a ghost.
I had one weird experience that could be considered “ghostly”. I was living in a renovated 40’s apartment when I woke up to a big crash in the middle of the night. I didn’t have a roommate or any pets, so I though someone maybe had broken in. I went out with my phone and the hunting knife I keep in my bedroom to investigate. There was no one in the house but my tea set and the shelf from my bookshelf where I keep my tea set were on the floor. The weird thing was that the tea set was on the fourth shelf up, with stacks of books from the third shelf piled up to 5 inches below it, but the books and other shelves weren’t disturbed, the fourth shelf must have come all the way out the bookshelf before it fell. The creamer and teapot were unharmed, and I put the sugar bowl together later, and the next morning stood in the spot where they fell and loudly said “If you want tea, that’s fine. There’s always some leftover in the pot in the mornings and you’re welcome to it, but please don’t break my stuff.” I guess that worked because there weren’t any other issues.
(note, I don’t believe in ghosts and I did actually figure out the rational explanation for this, but it’s more fun if I leave it out)
This summer, my parents noticed that the bedroom door of the master bedroom of their 105 year old house was missing the paneling on the one side, meaning it had been boarded over. They removed the extra board to see what was under it and found that the entire door was covered in gouges from some kind of blade (I think probably a hatchet) from someone trying to break it down. The door is very thick, very hard wood so it doesn’t look like whoever tried to get in managed, and the neighbour who had lived there for 90 years died a few years ago so we’ll never know what the hell happened. My parents boarded the door back up and my dad says it still creeps him out.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Gouges on the inside or the outside?????!??!?!
When I was a child, we had a big, friendly tuxedo cat named Hamlet. He was super gregarious and playful, and every night he would jump onto my bed near my head, then walk down to the foot and curl up against my legs. However, when he was only a few years old, he got sick and had to be put down, and I was absolutely devastated. It was my first experience with the death of a pet. However, almost every night after he died, I would feel a cat-sized something jump onto my bed near my head, then curl up against my feet. This went on for a few years, until we moved to a new house. It almost never happened again – except for the night before I first left for college. I like to think it was Hamlet saying good-bye to me.
In college, I lived in the all-women’s dorm, which was the second oldest building on campus. It had an old elevator that was no longer functional; rumor had it a girl hung herself in the elevator shaft in the 70s, and she now haunted the place. My Junior year, I moved in a day earlier than everyone else because that’s just how my schedule worked out. The bathroom was down the hallway from my room, and right across from it were the doors to the old elevator, which had frosted glass windows in them for some reason. It was late at night and quiet as a tomb when I went to the bathroom to take a shower before bed. As I was showering, I suddenly heard a loud BANG BANG BANG BANG. I froze. It was the sound of someone banging on the windows of the elevator door. It happened again – BANG BANG BANG BANG – and I began to panic. I was naked and wet – totally helpless. One last time, there was a banging on the elevator door. BANG BANG BANG BANG. Then there was nothing. I stood for several minutes in the shower, but the only sound was the water hitting the tiles. Finally, I summoned enough courage to turn off the shower, gather up my belongings, and scurry back to my room. As I darted past the elevator doors, I sneaked a glance at them. There was a crack in the window that wasn’t there before.
FINALLY, on Sunday night I was biking home from a friend’s house along a trail that follows the river. While there are parts of the trail – areas near playgrounds and parking lots – that are illuminated by streetlights, long stretches have no light at all, so that I had only my bike light to see. It was about 45 degrees out, cold enough that I could almost see my breath. I was the only person on the trail, which isn’t surprising because it was about 10 PM. Suddenly, during one of those long, dark stretches, I saw a figure standing on the trail ahead of me. He (?) was standing perfectly still, staring down at the ground. Despite the cold he wore no jacket; just a thin shirt. I dinged my bell at him, but there was no response. He didn’t turn to look back at me. He didn’t move to the side. He just stood there, staring down. There was still room for me to pass, which I did, and without looking back. I just knew that if I did, I wouldn’t like what I saw.
that last story = nonononono
Yes that was about my reaction too.
Being the only person in an old dorm is the worst. I did it for a week or so my first time in college in the dorm that had once been a Victorian hotel. I managed to spook myself so badly that I actually went to another, still populated dorm (that I still had the key to) just so I wouldn’t have to shower in that massive old building by myself.
My weirdest experience was like seven or eight. My grandparents were getting ready to move, and I had a nightmare about it. In the dream, I was playing in my grandmother’s walk-in closet that I loved (it was packed with stuff but had enough room for you to hide in). I felt like I couldn’t leave it, though. I can’t remember now if something told me that or if I just felt it. I decided to make a break for it, but got dragged back. I think I tried a couple times. It felt like whatever was in there didn’t want to leave at all.
I have vivid dreams/nightmares a lot so I didn’t talk about it until I was much older. I said something in passing about it when I was with my grandma, and she flipped.out. Turns out, someone’s ashes (I forget whose, I think her grandmothers?) were in the closet THE WHOLE TIME. To this day, she’s convinced that I’m “sensitive” to spiritual/ghostly things. (also, in that same house I heard distorted/mumbled voices whenever I played with the kitchen playset phone)
A couple weeks ago I woke up sleeping on my back as normal, went into the bathroom, and there was a HUGE RED HAND ON MY CHEST. It started fading pretty quickly so I took a couple pictures. This one is probably the best. It obviously didn’t come from my own hand so what the heck??? http://shartbreaker.tumblr.com/image/126192816773
ALSO one night I was sleeping in my old-as-the-civil-war slummy apartment without my faithful cat and with a heating pad. Woke up in the middle of the night having apparently burnt my hip pretty badly. It was sore throughout the day, and I finally snuck a peek in the shower to see how bad the burn was.
It looked like cat scratches–three jagged lines, dried blood–but was very sore and still felt burnt. I immediately linked it with the phenomenon I’ve seen on paranormal shows where people get scratched by ghosts. My skeptical roommate advises I just look it up on Web MD.
There is a thread with thousands of comments and replies of people getting scratched in the middle of the night. They were described as burning, and one man even said they only happened when his dog doesn’t sleep with him. No one goes trolling their ghost stories on Web MD.
😯
Ohgod.
I quite regularly wake up with weird bruises and scratchmarks and I figured it was just because I am clumsy and also a restless sleeper.
But I just now realised I haven’t had this happen since I got a cat????
Sports/gym/fitness/exercise thread?
I’ve had an injured thumb since May, and haven’t been able to hold anything overhead in snatch grip (no snatching, no overhead squats). Then, in late July, I hurt my back and can’t squat or pull from the group! It’s been all jerks and hang power cleans, but I’ve been going to the gym less and less out of frustration with my injuries.
Then, my physio (who has yet to be of help for my back) told me that my thumb pain isn’t due to injury anymore, but just muscle tightness because of lack of use. So she gave me stretches, and this week I tried an overhead squat… with some tightness but no pain afterwards! So then yesterday I tried snatching for the first time since May and hit my 85% solidly (didn’t try any heavier for now). Feeling so happy and excited to have overcome one injury, and to be able to get back to work on some aspects of lifting!
Yay, so much congratulations on getting through your injury!
I have had a minor knee injury for the last couple of weeks — or at least I thought it was minor until one evening the pain was really, really, bad, after which I went to the doctor and she said it was just overuse. I finally took this week to (mostly) rest, and it’s nearly all better now. I think I’ll be able to get back to my normal routine, minus squats, next week, and I’m unreasonably happy about it!
My knee, which I sprained a couple of years back, decided to act up every once in a while and it’s been doing that again this week so I haven’t been doing any leg stuff. But I’ve been having a pretty good time with upper body stuff–lots of compliments on my form from my trainer, as well as general encouragement/acknowledgment that I’ve improved and am doing a good job pushing myself but not too hard. So that part’s nice.
Since last month I’ve lost about 3 kilos and 6 cm off my waist. I know I shouldn’t be doing this for the point of losing weight/waist inches…but I’m still really pleased. I’ve been seriously working hard with the workouts and it’s nice to have something quantified.
I also think that it’s totally okay to do things for the sake of losing weight, if that’s what you want! Your body, your goals!
I ran my fourth Marathon this past Sunday. I am happy to have run it, though the last 3 marathons have been getting progressively slower, so I need to figure out how to fully commit to 4 months of training again for my 2 marathons next year.
But if anyone is looking for a good marathon, I thought the Columbus, Ohio Marathon was very well run. Mostly flat, interesting pretty streets and just all around a good time.
Congrats! Even finishing one is beyond my imagination for myself.
And I live in Columbus and watch the marathon every year! Anyone running the Cbus Marathon next year, I will cheer for you!
I got a new bike about a month ago and I continue to be obsessed with it. I now commute both ways every day (about 12 miles round trip) and am starting to do slightly longer rides on the weekends. Yay bikes!
I also think I’m going to join a new yoga studio – I’ve been doing yoga at the gym at my school, but the schedule is very limited. I’m a little intimidated about going to ~real~ yoga but I think I’m just going to take the plunge.
I mildly sprained my groin during a drunken air-guitar contest on Wednesday (I won first place so: worth it), so I’ve been taking it easy. Today was a bunch of punching and kicking! Chyah. I feel like a badass. I wish the exercise room had a punching bag, though.
I’ve started occasionally attending a Zumba class with a friend. I know people make fun of Zumba but 1. It’s incredibly fun, especially if you like to dance, and I do 2. I am always sore after! It’s way more of a leg workout than an arm one, and the backs/insides of my thighs ACHE for a day or two. Dang.
I made it through a full weekend karate seminar (I was the lowest belt, even counting the 12 year olds).
3 hours Friday, 6 Saturday, 3 today. I took a hip throw badly this morning because I was late and didn’t get a chance to warm up, so I’ve been too dizzy to do much else today. But I finished! And I’m so proud of my daughter, the main national sensei for our organization was their and she impressed him a lot (as he should be, she’s so tough and serious about her karate). I’ll call the chiro in the morning and should be fine by Tuesday.
hi sweets! have any of you started online projects and tried to get them off the ground? i’ve started a newsletter, but understanding how to actually get people to sign up is a vast unknown (esp as my twitter following is, um, minimal). seems rude to self-promote in open thread, so instead i shall ask how to best self-promote?
also, i keep thinking that i’ve kicked the hamilton obsession and could perhaps start listening to ANYthing else, but then i discover that i must remain listening non-stop. i’m ready to move on with my life! and yet, i cannot.
Are there communities around the topic of your newsletter? Meet-ups, perhaps? Or a reddit subthread? Those could be good places to find interested people, who could then spread the word.
Promote yourself here! I want to know what other Toasties are up to, unless your newsletter is about spiders and how best to cuddle them.
thanks, friend! tinyletter.com/sfbillimoria — it’s essentially my favorite handful of links from the week, curated and with commentary. and twitter is @sfbeeee
I’ll subscribe! I love newsletters. And maybe we should just make this a self-promotion thread? And no I’m not just saying that because I occasionally send out a newsletter (I have few subscribers, but two of them are Bossy Dames!)
I just followed you @crescentmelissa, and subscribing to your newsletter. xx
i just realized that when multitasking at work, i forgot my own twitter handle– it’s actually sherribeeee ! i’m a silly.
THANK YOU THANK YOU
So… who is the sfbeee I just followed?
A GHOST (sorry, I was just reading the ghost story thread).
i’M A FOOL AND A LIAR my twitter handle is actually @sherribeee
I don’t really have anything to say but I want to be in the heart of the Open Thread action!
I was forced to go to a conference/networking event thingy yesterday. (Day-long conferences where no food or beverages other than crappy coffee are provided, held in spaces in the middle of nowhere, where there is no wifi, are an abomination.) I pretty much failed at the networking aspect of it, but I did talk to my former boss from my last job, who is amazing and lovely. She told me I look great, and I briefly touched her alabaster hand, and that made the lack of food and wifi worth it. I also reminded her that I had applied for a position at the department where she is now Director of Important Things, and not an hour later I had an email from their HR congratulating me on passing the initial screening and saying they’ll be in touch to schedule an interview. So that was nice.
I am looking forward to a weekend of sleeping and hopefully not coming down with any of the colds that are going around.
My adopted senior dogs are doing well. They are almost 10 chow shepard mixes. One of them has already learned to sit preemptively, when he wants to come in, or when I call him back.
Any advice on protecting woodwork from defensive pooches? The mail carrier and other assorted pedestrians are threats they like to warn us about, and they are the perfect height to boost front paws onto windowsills. Nail trim is scheduled, but any other ideas?
i was going to suggest making a wooden, plastic, or padded fabric lip cover but google tells me that Sill Shields are a thing that someone already sells 🙂
At first I read that as saying you adopted almost ten dogs, which would be a hell of an undertaking.
Punctuation, this is why it matters.
Now I am imagining a dog-herd, and my life as a senior dog shepard. Would be a lot of poop to pick up.
So much poop. But think of the cuddles!
I had that problem with my larger dog and finally put a console table in front of the window. He can still sit on the sofa and see out but he doesn’t put his paws on the table itself, I think he might have tried once and it shifted a bit and freaked him out. As a bonus the cat has a perch to bird watch from.
I would also recommend trimming their nails with a dremel if your groomer offers it. It can cost a bit more but it gives the nail a rounded edge. Regular clipping can leave the nails sharp until they’ve gone for a few walks and ground down the nails on the pavement.
Or clip the nails, then Dremel to smooth.
Guys, I’m neeervous. I’m heading to a wedding this weekend in Houston and there’s supposed to be flooding here (Austin), there, and everywhere in between.Luckily, I’m not the one driving (or I’d be noping the fuck out of these plans, love for my soon-to-be-married cousin be damned), but I’m still worried about the drive there and back.
Any recommendations on apps that will help us avoid flooded roads? Is Waze best for this?
This won’t help once you’re out of Austin, but I’ve found this site helpful in the past: https://www.atxfloods.com/ And this site looks helpful, but I’m not sure how often it’s updated: http://drivetexas.org/ Should at least cover official closures.
Drivetexas.org worked great over the memorial day floods for me- they seem to keep it pretty up to date.
You can also get a NOAA weather app I think that shows alerts.
My sister and her boyfriend just had to leave Puerto Vallerta early due to the hurricane down there. Scary stuff, it looks massive.
I’m in Houston & I’m super-duper-excited about the rainy 45 minute drive to the coast for a wedding tomorrow.
While you’re on freeways you’ll be okay (though the driving will be yukky). Sorry you have to travel on such a wet weekend.
In addition to drivetexas, Harris county has its own flood warning site: harriscountyfws.org. But the drive Texas site should do it, honestly. Safe travels!
I’m curious to hear if anyone has a good experience with Waze! And I know you probably already know this, but pleasepleaseplease don’t drive through any standing water. It takes so little to wash away a car or make a road seriously unstable. Safe travels!
Not to ramp up your anxiety, but I would pack an overnight bag just in case you can’t make it back to Austin. Don’t know where you’ll be in Houston, but stuff close to the bay tends to flood pretty easily. And the weather forecast looks brutal for the weekend across the state.
Also, as others have said, drivetexas.org is kept pretty up to date. Good luck!
Hi Toasties.
I’ve been waiting for the open thread all week because my boyfriend and I decided to “go on a break” and I feel like I wanna curl up into a hole and never come out. We’ve decided not to talk or see each other until the end of November, when I’ll reach out to make plans for coffee or something and we’ll figure out what’s next. My heart and body and everything else aches so hard, and I need some courage and stories of hope from y’all.
Did any of you ever take a break in a relationship and have it work out? How did the days pass? How did you deal with the abject sadness and uncertainty?
Our story is that—basically, SO and I met each other 2 years ago, only 3 weeks after he had broken up with his ex, and went super-super-fast, like he was my boyfriend in 2 weeks. So he felt like he never got that time between relationships to figure out some really important questions of identity for himself, deal with childhood issues, and just know that he is capable of being alone. He’s always been a serial monogamist, and really regrets that he never gave himself time to be single since he was like, 17. So fast forward to Sunday, and I said to him that I felt like he was being distant and pulling away, and what was that all about.
And a lot of this stuff came pouring out. He said he was just holding onto a lot of resentment still at never being able to pace the relationship the way he wanted to, and now we’re talking about getting engaged and all of that, and he just needs some time alone to sort himself out and decide what he really wants. He said he loves me so much, that he loves our life, that he loves what we have built together—and he doesn’t wanna go away forever, but just for a little bit, so that he can figure these things out. He said he really hopes and wants to be able to come back from this and be together, and finally stop waffling on whether or not we can be together forever—but he can’t know that until he spends some time alone. He said that if we got married now, he would always believe that he never had it in him to really be alone.
We spent Sunday packing up my things in his room, and like, weeping at everything. He would see a pair of my socks, and start tearing up as he put them in my backpack. Putting away my PJs, tears. He grabbed my notepad with my name/stationary on it, and pulled off the top sheet before handing me the rest of the notepad, again, tears.
I wish that could’ve been the last time I saw him till November, but he came by to drop things off last night, and it left me a mess. At first we were being cute and flirty with one another, he told me I somehow had gotten even hotter in the last few days—but as he was getting ready to leave, I was like…tell me that you still love me, and everything from Sunday is still true, and blah blah blah. Because he seemed really happy and was excitedly telling me about stuff going on, and at first I was smiley and happy with him, but when it was time to leave, I just got teary. He gave me a big hug but wouldn’t kiss me.
I was like, I need to hear that nothing has changed since Sunday, and you still feel the same way about me, that you want us to end up together. He said, nothing has changed, I still love you so much, I want us to be together—but I need to be alone for now and figure things out, and I truly believe that everything is going to be okay, no matter what happens. And then he left, and I just went to my friend’s apartment and sobbed.
So. Toasties. Courage. Wisdom. Hope. All of that is much needed.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and that things are hard for you right now. But I also want you to know that you have a say in this relationship as well. It’s just not up to him to decide what he wants you get to choose too. This is also time for your own self reflection and to sift through all of your feeling about the relationship. You can explore and do the things you’ve wanted to do but haven’t since you’ve been in this relationship. Whatever happens sending you both good vibes and wishing you a peaceful weekend.
I really agree with this advice right here- this kind of uncertainty is the worst, because you are waiting for someone else to pick things. The trouble with being on a break is it’s sort of like breakup rehearsal but worse because you can’t start healing and you can’t see through to the end. And while you do have some control in this, it’s not an equal kind because you are the person who didn’t need the time off, so it’s not like, “ugh this is terrible I’m breaking it off” is an option you want to use. But I really want to say it is available to you and it’s something I’d probably recommend to you if I were your friend tucking you in on my couch and getting you some wine. If you don’t want to hear it at all, stop reading right now, it’s ok to be like, “ugh no this is too tough love, pass” but I’m about to put down some gently rough advice.
I’ve been with someone who needed breaks to ask himself how he felt about marriage and things. And we did take a break once about 2 years in. After that though we sort of each convinced each other we could fix things. Somehow during that time period I went from being the on the fence on to being the committed on and I ended up arguing with him about our overall rightness for each other for the next 2.5 years. Even though I think in my heart I knew he wasn’t really what I wanted. Later on he wanted more breaks. And that’s when I finally said, no, breaks, just a breakup, either get out or stay, we finally broke up.
It was so much easier to heal from the breakup than it was from the breaks and the weeks of questioning. And during that time period I certainly still had a while where I hoped he’d come back to me and say he made a huge mistake. But I had control once it was a breakup, there were clear things to do, steps to follow- from lying on the floor crying to getting stuff back to taking on new challenges, etc. I think if someone is on the fence about you or what you represent to them in that time of their life, its worth asking how you’ll feel if they’re still questioning in a years time. Are there things you want to do that are on hold for this relationship? travel? buying a couch in a crazy color? Putting a crafts corner into the spare room? Because being on a break means you don’t get the things you put on hold and you don’t get the person you put it on hold for and I for one think that is crazy cruel- to put someone else on a shelf and be like, “stay there, don’t move, I gotta decide if I want to come back for you or not”. In my mind a breakup is always kinder. So that’s my recommendation, I know it’s some real rough love if you don’t want to be out of the thing you are in and so much easier said and done, but maybe a baby step is to take a trip somewhere and just figure out what you could put in the space your partner occupies if they go. Or you can just binge watch the goodwife, I also find that helpful to my healing.
This sounds super hard. Good luck. In somewhat different circumstances, I found it helpful to go to furniture stores and imagine new lives for myself – some achievable, some not, some achieved, some not, but it was a lovely soothing atmosphere in which to sift through my thoughts.
As a suggestion this is weird and not necessarily actionable for you, but the basic summary would be – if you can, go somewhere calm and happy and empty* and look at things and imagine new lives for yourself. Good luck.
*not IKEA.
i don’t have a story like this, but wanted to say to you & the OP that this sounds so hard and painful and not really mutual, which is what you’d always hope in these situations. i’m sure you are left with lots of weird feelings about it, and you have every right to. at least it sounds like both of your partners are really just doing soul searching and not wild oats sewing, but that doesn’t make it any easier.
i feel like since this situation is abstract for me, my hope for the fearless female protagonist is that after processing feelings for a week, maybe she reaches out to her not-directly-in-common friends, goes out to some halloween parties, makes some plans a couple times a week to see friends, and makes a list of all the compromises she’s made with this partner person, and try to do all the things she put on the back burner because the SO didn’t love them. like, see the movies you want to see, go hear music you never had in common, make food you love more than they do. i understand it’s not like you’re exactly in the mood to party, but if someone’s going on a break to figure something out that they can’t do with you in the picture, then maybe it’s a good time to do similar research. maybe?
Ninja hugs for you, sweetie.
I’m so sorry to hear this! That sounds heartbreaking. I wish I had a story to comfort you, but that is one relationship adventure I have never taken. Lots of hugs and I’ll be thinking about you <3
That’s so rough and I’m so sorry.
I’ve been through something similar. After almost a year together, my boyfriend and I broke up because we moved to different cities and the distance was too hard. We stayed in touch but both dated other people. Then about 6 months later he was in my city visiting someone else and we reconnected and never looked back. 6 more months of long distance (which was easier the second time around), then I moved to his city. That was over 5 years ago and we’re currently married and happy and thinking about kids.
My aunt went through a similar thing with her husband of 30 years back when they first graduated from college.
I’m a pretty firm believer that if it’s meant to be, it will be. A little time apart isn’t the end of the world, and could ultimately be very reaffirming for your relationship.
I was in a similar situation to this. My boyfriend and I met in college, and because of distance, we broke up. Then got back together. Then broke up. Then got back together. At one point, we changed from “Okay, we’re single, and it’s for the best, and we’ll consider dating when we’re back in the same place” to “Screw that, we can totally do this long-distance thing” back and forth three times in two months.
Anyway, a couple years ago, we decided to get back together and actually try to move to the same city. We managed it about a year ago, and things have been lovely ever since! So as with others on this thread, I’m chiming in to say that a relationship can work out in the long run even with time apart.
Ugh, I have been sort-of there. My SO and I out and out BROKE UP for a year and painfully stayed friends and dated other people, and then realized we were fucking idiots and got back together.
Then, a few years later, I moved in with him.
Then, a few years later, I moved out because apparently cohabitation is on the list of things that we should never ever do? And I was utterly devastated. It’s been nearly 3 months since I moved, and I have to say that one of the most challenging things in the world is Learning How To Be A Person day-by-day. What do I do of an evening? What does lunch look like? When every waking moment is spent cheek-to-cheek with someone, breathing their air, what does it look like to breathe your own air?
A drastic change like taking a break in a relationship (or, in my case, changing what that relationship looks like) is not trivial, I guess is what I’m saying. Sure, your SO wants to figure himself out; one of the unintended consequences of that is that you’re suddenly left with the time and space to do the same, whether you wanted to or not.
It’s scary. And yes, absolutely sad. But it’s also an opportunity. And the days DO pass. Over time you’ll find that you’re…busy. It’s forced, at first. But then new habits form, and you find yourself living a life.
Yes, about three or four years ago my boyfriend and I broke up for a while. We were living in different cities, and long distance is fucking hard. I spent most of the day moping about, TBH, and playing video games and sleeping and trolling Reddit (back when that was still a site I was willing to visit). And calling him, and we’d talk and talk (or not talk and just sit there listening to the silence of the line). Eventually we figured it out, but it wasn’t for sure until I went down to visit him and we were able to physically affirm our feelings for each other. (That’s not a euphemism for sex. We had sex too. But it’s also important to be physically present for someone.)
Update on my mystery pain! Thanks to the encouragement of Toasties and houblonchouffe in particular, I made AND KEPT an appointment with a gynecologist I had seen many years ago. In one visit I got way more information and options than I got in the five visits with the previous sketchy provider I was seeing! So for those Toasties who said they are dealing with similar pain, here is what I was told:
Since I’ve been keeping track and was able to say that the pain gets worse the week before and into my period, my doctor suspects endometriosis may be the culprit. As such, the ablation won’t have any effect on the mystery side pain, but would probably help my terrible periods, and could be an option for THAT but not for mystery pain. Other options to address the mystery pain were presented, which include a laparoscopic (sp?) exploratory surgery which could include removal of endometrial tissue or adhesions if they are spotted, or trying the progesterone-only BCP for a while (this would not bother my migraines as the estrogen is what affects them, and the lower birth control effectiveness won’t matter since my spouse had a vasectomy and I’m not seeing any other sperm producers currently). He also mentioned a hysterectomy, which he doesn’t think I need but brought it up out of completeness. He also indicated that based on what I’m telling him and the several TV ultrasounds I’ve had, he doesn’t think this is indicative of any sort of serious medical thing (like a tumor or something), and that he hopes that knowing that will help my medical anxiety, which it definitely did. During the bimanual exam, there was definitely an area on that side that was EXTREMELY painful, so it’s not all in my head or anything.
I ultimately decided to try out the mini-pill for a while, and if that doesn’t help, I’ll do the exploratory surgery. Since my last ultrasound was over a year ago, he wants me to do another one now, but he doesn’t think there’s anything serious that it would turn up.
So I feel a TON better, and listened to, and have many more options than “just do the ablation god what is wrong with you everyone loves it just do it!” And I hope the info I got can be useful to other Toasts dealing with Mystery Pain.
So happy for you! I am glad your appointment with this new care provider was better, f that other one.
That is awesome news!
I’m so glad that you had a better experience with this doc!
For once I don’t have a life dilemma to post on the open thread (although I still haven’t worked up the courage to ask for a raise)! I am however, so very tired and a bit done with everything, but I am going home to Ireland next week and I get to see my the babies and my animals, and hopefully bring the babies to see the animals, and then hopefully do some serious partying like you don’t find in London.
I do want to say thank you again to everyone who gave me advice about getting a bike, I LOVE MY BIKE. I got the brakes done and although it was more expensive than I’d hoped, they are now perfect! However cycling is bringing up all kinds of anxiety and sexism and anxiety about sexism that I didn’t really know I had. I’m a bit terrified on roads with lots of cars, so I’ve been cycling on the pavement occasionally (only on wide paths and when there isn’t too many people); but then the other day I decided to cycle to the swimming pool (3rd time I’ve been swimming this year…), and some cuntface man decided to block my path and take it upon himself to tell me I was supposed to cycle on the road, which then ruined my entire fucking day and I cried for about 10 mintues. So yeah, fucking men.
(I know you’re not supposed to cycle on the paths, but it was a funny junction, with narrow roads and fast cars, and I reverted back to the Berlin method of using the pedestrian crossing instead of getting smushed by a car. I’m still getting used to London roads and taking my time, because again, I don’t fancy getting smushed by a car.)
Cycling on roads sucks so much. Gladfully, we have a lot of cycling paths in my town, but there are still some areas where you have to drive on the road. The scariest thing here is going downhill and then being overtaken by a bus. I hate it.
I hate being over taken because I don’t have mirrors so I don’t see them coming and drivers really do not give you any space.
Rear view mirrors for bike helmets are a thing you can get! Maybe that would help solve this particular dilemma.
UGH MEN. I don’t know the law precisely there, but lots of cyclists (men) all felt the need to inform me that you could not be on the sidewalk here, at all, ever. Then at my work a traffic cop came in to promote cycling and explained that actually if it is safer to be on the sidewalk you could be, as long as you yielded to pedestrians – and if anyone gives you trouble about it, explain you felt unsafe on that patch of road. Bike paths everywhere would be lovely, but here there are only in certain spots. Keep cycling!
I think I managed to shout something back at him about how I wasn’t up for dying that day. After a few moments of sheer disbelief. He was with his girlfriend too and I immediately looked to her in a ‘is he fucking serious?’ way, but she was no help.
It’s not like itnwas a narrow path, in fact he went out of his way to stand in front of me and make me stop.
FUCKING MEN.
Cycling in traffic is hard and takes a lot of getting used to. Maybe go out for practice rides on roads that have good bike lanes? Unfortunately depending on where you are you might not be able to get everywhere on bike friendly roads, but if you can build up confidence just having cars near you, that could be helpful.
Also one thing I found useful is to see if there are any cycling advocacy groups near you, and see if they have beginner bike info sessions. I went to one by the SF Bike Coalition, and they went over all sorts of things like what exactly your role in traffic is, how to safely and legally take left turns, what your rights are, etc. Frankly I didn’t learn too much new info, but it was still really useful and confidence building. For example, in SF it’s legal to take the lane if there isn’t a sufficient bike lane. Every now and then I have to do that, and I am so much more confident doing so once I knew it was a completely legitimate thing I could do.
Thanks. I’ve only been going out a quiet times and weekends at the moment, there isn’t many bike paths around me, but there are a few wide paths that could have easily had bike paths if there had been some thought in the planning. So much bad planning!
Im a pretty good driver actually, and I’m very used to being on the road with horses, in semi busy areas. But I’ve been off the road for a few years so its just taking me awhile to adjust. I find that bikes are a weird vehicle, horses are slow and people generally slow down for you, and cars are fast and you’re respected on the road. Bike are pretty fast, but not fast enough to get out of the way of cars, and cars have no respect for you. Plus the lack of mirrors is weird, I might need to get some of those super dorky round mirrors for the bike.
Cycling on roads with cars freaks me out too! I shiver whenever one passes me.
Kicking out some etsy links again!
Mine: https://www.etsy.com/ca/shop/perianiel?ref=search…
My friend’s: https://www.etsy.com/ca/shop/BeginningWithGlitter…
Anyone else want to put in a reminder?
Need some advice: does anybody have pointers for navigating dysfunctional families at a wedding?
My fiancé and I both have dysfunctional families (in very different ways, but both fall under that umbrella). Anything from how to manage unpleasant guests to how to politely not invite people would be helpful. Our strategy so far is to only invite a very small number of people so we have to deal with the minimal amount of nonsense, but I’m interested in how the rest of you have handled similar situations.
Hoo boy, I am very interested too. Mostly, I am hoping to deputize friends to keep the usual suspects in line and just do my best to ignore it.
We only invited our siblings & parents, and had a very short ceremony and a brief reception with an open bar and lots of really excellent food. Keeping the general wedding stress to a minimum made it so we were able to really enjoy ourselves at the wedding, and I was so a-glow and happy I sincerely didn’t even notice that my jerk sister wore a white dress to my wedding till we got the pictures back, or that my dad’s toast was basically, “Well, you both are kind of weirdos so I’m glad you found each other” in the least affectionate way possible. If I had to worry more about logistics, I wouldn’t have had the bandwidth to deal with all the rest of of the bullshit, or ignore it as the case may be.
(I didn’t wear white, but when you have a lady in a white dress in all the pictures, it really makes it look like SHE’S the one getting married. BTW!)
Ugh, that’s such a weird and inappropriate thing to do (re: your sister’s dress choice). I’ve been to a wedding where the bridesmaids all wore white and the bride didn’t, but there were enough people there that it was fairly obvious what was going on. Doesn’t sound like it in your situation. My dad’s toast is going to be very similar to your dad’s, so… hooray for not being the only people with rude dads, I suppose. I’m glad you had a good time regardless of the crap.
Can I ask how you handled telling extended family members that you wanted a small group and they weren’t invited? That’s one of my big problems right now, because I’ve been getting a lot of people who I do not want to invite assuming that they are. So far I’ve been really vague and noncommittal but I’m going to have to have that conversation eventually.
Well, I’m not close with most of my (huge, crazy, at times terrifying) extended family, and while we did have quite a few friends who were disappointed that we weren’t having a bigger celebration, I just explained that if we opened it up to friends and family, we’d have to open it up to all, and that we simply couldn’t afford it. We paid for it all ourselves, and I was very frank about how that limited our options. My aunt did send me a single dishtowel as a weird guilt trippy thing but that’s the worst pushback I got.
Re: white dress, it was such a weird thing to do! But on the spectrum of shit my sister is capable of, not as bad as it could be. She had sent a very weird combative email a couple of weeks before that I was able to effectively deflect so some kind of backlash was to be expected. An interesting side effect of it all was a lot less guilt as I’ve distanced myself from the problem members of my immediate family even more: they can’t pull it together for the bad times, and they can’t just show up and be cool for the good times, so why should I work hard at these relationships anymore?
My dude and I still look back at our wedding day and talk about how great it was – we spent most of the day with each other, and as a certified non-romantic I was shocked at how lovely and meaningful it all felt. Do what is good for you, and don’t buckle to assholes, and I don’t think you’ll regret it.
If you want to commiserate about nutso, rude (possibly narcissistic?) family members during this process, I’m here. 🙂
Wow, yeah, your family does sound really similar to mine. I also have a very large extended family who I don’t know that well and am paying for the wedding myself, and am dealing with possibly narcissistic family members (in my case, a narcissistic stepmom and a dad who enables her behavior). I have been planning to pay for the whole thing myself specifically so I don’t have any obligations to anyone else in terms of what the ceremony is or what anything looks like. The way you handled it sounds like exactly what I was planning, so… this is good! It means it works! Haha.
My stepmother is still “angry” with me because at her and my father’s wedding (more than 10 years ago) I refused to be a flower girl because I was wayyyyy too old to be one. She keeps reminding me that I “ruined” her wedding by insisting on being a bridesmaid instead of a flower girl and has repeatedly made comments about how she’s going to make me understand how much pain I put her through at my wedding. So this (among other things) has got me planning contingencies about how to handle narcissistic family nonsense.
I’ve also generally distanced myself from my immediate family so I was unpleasantly surprised that after posting my engagement on facebook I got so many calls and messages from all of them, plus my extended family who barely know me at all. I wish I could be as chill about it as you describe but I haven’t quite gotten there yet.
Haha well, it was a process for me! I do not believe my sweet spouse would have described me as “chill” for the first good chunk of planning. There was a lot of moping and begging him to let us elope. He is a BIG SPECTACLE kind of person and I am…not, so it took some compromising. I also did not have any crazy b-words threatening to actually ruin my wedding! So do not be too hard on yourself BUT maybe think long and hard about how to limit any influence or interactions you have with your step-mom for the duration. Do you live in the same area? If so, and you don’t have to play out of town host – just say, “Show up at this time, stand here for pictures, so glad you could make it!” and then glow away on a cloud of bliss while she tries to be bitter and crazy. (My mother-in-law is a whole different bag of cats, and I made a point of Not Engaging throughout the entire wedding & festivities, and my day was much better for it.)
I will say, it was extremely helpful to have standing therapy appointments as well. Visits from my parents have historically upped my anxiety tremendously so it was helpful to have an unbiased 3rd party who could help me manage that. Good luck to you, and I hope you have a wonderful day that is exactly what you want it to be.
We had the dual advantages of it being MrChouffe’s third marriage and that his family lives overseas, so we were able to pull the “Well, we don’t want to make a big deal of it and we want to keep things pretty fair, so parents/sibs/witnesses and that’s it” card. Also, when pressed, the finances DEFINITELY came into play, and people were generally understanding of that.
That’s a good idea… fiancé’s got some relatives overseas, not most but enough that we could probably get away with that as an excuse. Thanks!
Lower the stakes.
I know people who had a VERY small legal ceremony, and then several different parties. The ceremony and the dinner after were the one that they did exactly how they wanted it, ignoring everyone else’s ideas of what they ought to do. Then they had parties in a couple different geographic areas with different groups (his family, her family, college friends, etc). Some of those events seemed very much like a normal wedding, and some of them were laid back cookout type things. Because each event did not have to be everything that everyone wanted all at the same time, and each event was smaller, they lowered the stakes. Even if one family member pitched a fit, it did not destroy the entire thing. It did, however, extend the whole wedding thing, and the amount of planning required.
So, once you figure out what’s most important to you and your fiance, figure out how lowering the stakes while keeping the stuff you want looks to you. Whether that’s only inviting certain people to certain portions, or eloping, or getting married in a courthouse two weeks before in secret and then throwing a party, or inviting everyone to an end-of-summer cookout and then announcing when everyone gets there that there’ll be a small wedding ceremony at 2…….
And then, backwards from there, figure out how you’re going to make people behave and not invite the assholes. “parents and siblings only, sorry, hope we can get dinner with you a month after when we’re in town!” or “we won’t be serving any alcohol because there is a loved one in recovery, thank you for respecting our request and that person’s privacy” (please note, person can be entirely fictional, or a good friend willing to play a role for the evening). Lying is acceptable. Omission is acceptable.
This is excellent advice, thank you for posting. I know some friends who did this because they had family scattered all around the globe and hosted a bunch of small events in different locations so they could celebrate with everyone, but I hadn’t thought of it as a way to split up groups.
Delegate a “Lieutenant”. Remember for Donna’s wedding on Parks & Rec how Donna gave April carte blanche to handle her family as April saw fit? Find your April; a close, non-family friend, that is intimidating as fuck for good reason.
I mean, hell, I’ll come to your wedding and be your April! I work in a logistics-based field and my game face is ice-cold. Also I look nice in a dress.
I did a similar strategy: the only really toxic person at my wedding was my mother, so for all wedding/pre-wedding events she attended, I had a close friend with me who could make conversation/take some of the burden away, very gently done so my mom didn’t realize she was being handled.
I also recommend lowering the stakes: figure out what you want and need and protect that so that it’s precious to you. Everything else is gravy. Nothing ruins gravy.
It was our very first Grandparents Day (for us) at my son’s preschool, and my parents and my husband’s parents all went, and it was all ADORABLE. My son had been feeling peaky all week, so I’m glad he perked up enough to go to school today for the event!
What ADORABLE things have you been witnessing this week?
True story, two of the people in my class found out they were related at grandparents day when their grandparents recognized each other and started talking. Naturally, they both had had huge crushes on each other and were mortified.
I overheard a little boy on the subway excitedly telling his mother “And when I grow up, I’m gonna be science! Yeah….I’m gonna go to science!”
I’ve never been so charmed.
Also, I was group-skyping with my friends on Wednesday, and I wanted to introduce my cat to them. He spent 20 minutes trying to crawl on the keyboard and press every single key, then lay down on his back and wedged himself between me and the laptop. He was just out of frame in the video, but kept stretching up one paw to delicately touch my hand, so all my friends saw was one tiny paw waving around. He stayed like that for about a half hour. What a dingus. I love him so much.
How sweet! That just made me tear up? I wanna be a science too.
My siblings and I all called our grandmother by her first name (Bunny). One time, when my brother was about 4 or 5, they had Grandparents’ Day at his school, and he was totally confused when they told all the kids to “Find your grandma!” (Because he never called her that). She had to wave at him and say, “I’m your grandma, I’m your grandma!”
The Bullmastiff rescue group I belong to is having a calendar sale for fundraising. It is called Beefcakes and Bullmastiffs. It does not disappoint. There are beautiful men and adorable dogs for every month. They are selling them on Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/listing/252604524/beefcakes-…
Here is the picture they had on facebook to advertise:
This made me tear up a little because it’s so fucking perfect.
Finally finished up my Southwest road trip photos!
https://500px.com//enorwood/sets/southwest-road-t…
yay, I was looking forward to seeing these! it really blows my mind that the SW is part of the same country I live in.
It was a really great trip, and there was still lots we didn’t see (we hit a pretty bad thunderstorm so had to skip the Utah parks).
I love it down there so much.
Gorgeous! I still can’t get over how colorful the southwest is, it blew my mind.
and I love the pictures from the Balloon Fiesta – I only saw them from a distance when we drove to the airport on our last day, but they looked so fun.
It was so crazy being in the middle of all of them (and a little overwhelming for me, tons of people!) But seeing the balloons up close was really cool.
Gorgeous pictures, thank you for sharing!
I finalized an apartment this week! I’m pretty psyched. No balcony, and my rent doesn’t go down from what it is now (in fact it goes up slightly) but I’ll be saving $120/month immediately on my transit costs so that makes up for it. And I asked if bf could have his own key even though he’s not living there (so he can leave for work later if he stays over), and the landlady said that was fine. wooooooo
Congratulations!!! That’s awesome!
Plus, there’s no one underneath me (it’s over a couple of parking stalls which I’m sure will be annoying once in a while) so I don’t have to worry about my stompy cats disturbing anyone!
Thanks everybody who chimed in on my weight-loss and doctor frustrations last week. It helps even to know that I’m not the only one who has felt adrift on the subject.
In other news, I did something totally embarrassing yesterday and can’t decide if I should apologize to my boss or just pretend like it didn’t happen.
We had a work meet-and-greet in the evening with our equivalent department in a company we’re in the process of merging with. So they aren’t exactly co-workers yet, but that’s the way things are going. Anyway, it was a casual cocktail-and-appetizers kind of thing. Except, I had blood drawn earlier in the day after a 12-hour fast. And without considering those two facts, I drank my whole drink and half of another one. (I was thirsty, dammit!) Now I am pretty sure I was the loud, obnoxious drunk girl at the office social. 🙁
I don’t know who or how to casually ask if I made a bad impression. If only I had an actual work friend!
Seems to me that as long as you didn’t break anything or spill a drink on anyone, you can just pretend this whole thing didn’t happen!!
No one has said anything to me yet, so fingers firmly crossed that I was merely the life of the party. 🙂
When unsure what to do in a work situation, I consider: What would a white man do? He’d never consider apologizing until confronted. If there’s any chance you can get away with it (we women are held to different standards and I don’t want you to hurt your career), say nothing.
My rule of thumb (because dear god have I been in that boat before) is that unless something was blatant enough to stick in my memory, I was probably just a bit loud and nobody really noticed. But then again, I’m also a cheerful, compliment-giving drunk, and ymmv.
Once at a work-related banquet I was drunk enough that I didn’t notice my boob had popped right out of my dress. A colleague’s wife leaned over and pointed it out to me, and I ended up having to borrow a jacket because I couldn’t get things arranged properly again. It was a special time! Luckily the bosses were at a different table, so we can all pretend they didn’t notice.
The only possible thing to do it ignore it, and remember to behave in the future.
CREEPY INTERNET THREAD
So yesterday, I realized after internet sleuthing that I work down the street from where Nicole was getting baptized and I really wanted to go and meet everybody . I didn’t because it seemed kind of rude to crash someone’s baptism, especially as an unrepentant heathen, BUT I WANTED TO.
So tell me, what is the creepiest thing you’ve thought about doing or have done because the internet gave you the necessary information?
So, once upon a time I matched with the cutest guy on Tinder. He looked like Hugh Dancy, who is my Kryptonite, and I needed to have him. But he hadn’t been active on Tinder in a month (he must have swiped right on me way before I did). I found him on Facebook with just his first name (no mutual friends, it took hours) and creeped to my heart’s content. I couldn’t learn much, but I learned he was going to an event at one of my favorite bars in the city.
I had every intention of going and “accidentally” bumping into him there. Not sure what would have happened next but I was ready to do what it took to get his face on my face. I didn’t end up doing it, because I didn’t want to go alone and my friend bailed, but I was 100% ready to follow a total stranger to a bar and engineer a meet-cute.
I respect everything about this story, and fully expect that one day this beautiful love story will happen!
yep, would watch this movie
Hi everyone! So this is the first time I’ve ever posted anything in the open thread, but I’m a longtime Toast reader (can you be a Toastie if you don’t comment frequently?) and I’m suddenly in need of some crowdsourced advice/assistance from some smart, compassionate people.
Here’s the deal: my husband and I share a house in Portland, Oregon with two roommates, another couple (I went to school with the lady part of the unit; we were/are good friends). When we all moved in together last year, we all agreed to stay in the house for at least two years and, when the time came that someone wanted to move, we would all sit down together as a house and discuss how best to dissolve the partnership in a mutually beneficial way (choosing a timeframe, etc.) so that no one was left in the lurch.
Well, a year and a half later (earlier this week), my friend springs on me out of the blue that they’ve found a new place to live, just the two of them, and they’re putting in their 30 days on November 1st. (She then breezily proceeds to ask me for advice about living alone with a partner because they’ve never done that before, and gosh, what do I think about it, she’s unsure, what was it like for my husband and me when we lived alone together, and so on; all the while my brain is screaming HOMELESS SHE’S JUST MADE YOU FUCKING HOMELESS WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.)
Emotional heartbreak aside (I’m crushed, I can’t believe two people who say they’re our close friends could be so thoughtless, my husband is ready to write them out of his life for good, etc. etc.), I’m panicking about our living situation. Here are some options we’ve come up with so far:
a) find another couple to live with in our house. This would be the easiest logistical move, I think, and it would be nice because we LOVE our house and it’s in a great location and all our stuff fits perfectly in it. We can’t afford the rent AT ALL with just the two of us; we can’t even afford the rent with three people. There are only two livable bedrooms (there’s technically a third, but it’s TINY and really better suited to an office), so getting two more people to share one bedroom is key to make the financials work. However, we don’t really know any other couples, and we’re suuuuuuuuper wary about living with strangers (we barely wanted to live with our friends, and look how that turned out). I’m scared about the interpersonal aspect of living with strangers, and I’m also worried that, honestly, someone will turn out to be a thief or property destroyer or whatever — we have a lot of nice things, a lot of collections, a lot of musical instruments, etc., and we’re anxious about letting strangers have such free access to all of it. So, any advice for vetting couple-roommates you don’t know and choosing the right ones? Success stories about moving in with strangers and making it work?
b) getting a place, just the two of us. Problem is, we can’t afford much, and the Portland rental market is just THE WORST. We’re looking for a place that’s, ideally, 1-2 bedrooms, under $1050/month, and within a 40-minute bike ride to downtown Portland, where I work. We don’t want to move back into an apartment, but we will if we have to. I’ve been to several open houses already and am scouring the Internet, but does anyone have any favorite websites to check for rentals? Anyone in Portland know of a house for rent that fits the description?
c) getting a place with my best friend. This bumps up our budget to $1500/month, but we’d also need 2-3 (preferably 3) bedrooms to make it work comfortably. It would still need to be in the same geographical area. Also, I’ve lived with my best friend before and trust that he wouldn’t screw us like our current roommates are, but to be safe, I’d probably want to have some sort of written agreement with him, which may have helped in our current situation. Any thoughts about informal roommate contracts? How do you enforce them? What kind of consequences can there even be when you’re not the landlord?
UGH. I’ve been in full-on panic mode all week. Any advice or emotional support is so, so appreciated. Thanks everyone, and I hope you all have a good day.
Oh, I’m so sorry! That’s so stressful.
I think there are two things you should move on ASAP: one is talking to the other couple and pointing out that this kind of leaves you lurching, which wasn’t really part of the original operating agreement. I don’t know how amenable they would be to adjustments in their own time frame, but at least that would be out in the open and not festering away horribly.
Two, my friends have a share house that sound very similar to yours, and they’ve had great success finding couple-roommates on Craigslist and by posting about it on Facebook. You never know who’s out there, wanting to shack up. If you write a very specific ad detailing EXACTLY what you’re looking for, and have a good interview process, I’m confident that you can find people who can successfully share your home. GOOD LUCK!!!
I am so, so sorry this is happening to you. The logistical problem is one thing, but the hurt of your friends’ behavior is really shitty. It sounds like you don’t have a written agreement of any sort, yeah? The Portland rental market is tight enough that you’d be able to find a couple, or single and another single willing to take the tiny bedroom. And then just vet the hell out of them. Clearly people with no sketchy red flags can still turn out to be shitty, but people who are willing to open up and make you feel comfortable for the chance to live in your nice house may turn out to be awesome. Sending you good vibes and good luck!
Instead of assuming that you need a couple to rent the other bedroom, why not advertise it as “bedroom available for x dollars, couples welcome” — then you might get singles who are willing to pay whatever or another couple. The dollar amount is what’s important here, it doesn’t matter how many people it comes from, right? There’s no reason that you have to split the rent three equal ways. (If I lived with a couple who shared a bedroom, I would expect to pay more than they each did, for my own bedroom.) And maybe specify that there’s a third bedroom that can be used as a shared office? That might make a single person willing to spend a bit more than they otherwise would.
Ugggg, I have had a roommate bail abruptly mid-lease before it sucks! I’m sorry they did that to you. However if you want a happy story that is how I met my S.O. He was the one person I interviewed who was cool / normal. More to that story BUT-
I agree that you should talk to the departing roomies. They sound oblivious and they should be helping you find a new roomie or place. Any of the three scenarios you lay out could be the answer but if I was in your shoes I would try to find a roommate. The rental market in Portland is crazy, which could give you the opportunity to be PICKY. If you have the patience for lots of emails and interviews in a short span of time I suspect you could find someone good. Also, does your school have any alum website for stuff like this? Might be a good alternative to Craigslist. GOOD LUCK .
Your friends are being awful and appear completely unaware of it, and you need to talk to them pronto, before the friendship is over. If they put in any kind of deposit, you get to keep it since they’re ditching you with no discussion of how you will go on. You all got into this together and had agreed to share responsibility for making it work. They have been completely underhanded. Do they actually not remember?
Contracts are only worth what you’re willing to pay lawyers to enforce, even binding legal ones; but there is great power in the gentlemen’s agreement – once people have signed to their intentions, it is easier to appeal to their sense of justice (which your current peeps are wholly forgetting).
I agree with others though, Craigslist can work for this. Say that you’ve been living with another couple, vet carefully, set ground rules and get everything in writing. It sounds like for the money you get a lot more than you would otherwise, and other couples will recognize that. You might get people newly arrived to the city who need a starter place, or people who’ve been there and can recognize a deal. Do not let this mess leave you unhomed.
Ditto on the don’t limit yourself to only another couple. Every shared living situation I’ve been in, the rent has been split by bedroom–2 bedrooms, halfsies; 5 bedrooms, 20% each–and how many people are in those rooms can vary. If your place is really nice–and it sure sounds it–I would imagine you could easily find someone who would pay half the rent to be able to live there with you, and it sounds like it would be a shame to leave.
It’s always a risk sharing a living space with someone you don’t know, but careful interviewing and following up on references should be enough. Listen to your gut. And also, I believe that when it’s a case of you looking for a roommate (as opposed to being a landlord renting a unit), you have more latitude about deciding, nope, don’t want to live with you, however nice you may look in person and on paper.
But definitely get the agreement in writing. You can find boilerplate agreements online, or you can write it up yourself, but that way you won’t get blindsided again, or have better recourse if you are.
Thank you all SO much! I have so much gratitude for these helpful responses. This has definitely given me a lot of food for thought, and I feel much better prepared to face the next week armed with your advice and input. You all rock! <3 <3 <3
Ugh! I have been there! My advice for non monster roommates:
Ask friends to ask their friends- post to Facebook, ask at the office, etc- people who are bound by social ties rarely do the really worst stuff.
Pick older couples- house trashing happens more with younguns or people who don’t themselves have nice stuff.
See if there are groups you can broadcast through, like the city based Toast groups or other groups- the local knitting club, etc,
Ask your dumb friends if they know anyone. In many cases the leaving party should feel some obligation to help fill the rent gap.
Tell your fiends that this is uncool, see if they can stay longer than planned or leave you with any financial backup.
It will work out. I promise. I’ve done a ton of craigslisting recently and I’d say I met 9 awesome people and one set of real weirdos, but they weren’t killers or anything just weird.
Also you could see if anyone wants to do a temp sublet- there are probably people moving to portland who need a place for a month or two while they hunt and you could probably rent the room out for a bit more $$ than your standard rent is, especially if you can throw some of the basic furniture in it, while you look for new people. I hesitate to suggest air b nb in a tight housing market because it makes the problem worse, but Air BnB is also a possible short term cash option.
Hi there! I’m also a long time toast reader and usually don’t comment. I’m so sorry you are in a shitty position, that sounds super stressful. I finally decided to comment now because I am one half of a couple who is looking for a home in Portland. I grew up here and am finally moving back after a decade and shocked at how tight the scene is! So, if you want to test out your vetting process, consider us! We are clean, friendly, respectful, and fun.
And because I forgot earlier, you can contact me at larchmarch at gmail, if you are so inclined.
Uhhhh not to be weird? But my boyfriend and I are Portland people and might be looking for a new place soon–we got our fancy schmancy apartment in a new building back when I was a mail carrier and pulling down WAY more money every month. Now we’re both paying over half our income in rent, and I want to go back to school next fall!
We are also cyclists, the both of us, and prefer living semi-close-in on the east side. (Like, not past 82nd or further north than Kenton or further south than Powell, though I think I could talk him into Brooklyn or Sellwood, honestly.)
I don’t know how soon we could move….but hey, email me anyway if you’d like: alder dot tree at gmail dot com. I check my email at least once a day.
(I comment on the toast relatively often, but don’t use an intensedebate account because I do 95% of my internetting on my phone, which doesn’t get along with intensedebate for some reason.)
I’ve lived in house shares for years, and almost always with strangers, it can work out really well and then you also have a bit of distance so you’re not obligated to socialise with them and you can give them shit if you have to (if they’re not pulling weight or doing dishes etc) without affecting your friendship.
Check out housemate agreement\sub lease templates online, people are generally pretty good at up holding their end once they’ve signed a contract; and it makes it feel more official. Also get at least 1 months rent as deposit, and write it in the contract that if they leave without the agreed notice period you get to keep the deposit.
30 days notice is pretty standard, if you didn’t have a written agreement stating otherwise, your friends probably think they’re being totally reasonable; so its probably worth having a chat with them to clear up what the agreement was.
Good luck! Hope you find excellent housemates!
Hey, speaking as an in-Portlander: it is a crazy market. I would not give up a place you love, absolutely. I also would consider forgiving your couple-friends, because they had the unlovely choice of possibly turning down good real estate opportunities in a crazy market because of an agreement made before things got so crazy, or living with people who might have big emotions about their departure over a long stretch while they found a place in a crazy market. I don’t think they have been so evil. Housing arrangements and plans around them change rapidly.
I see you already have nice offers from Toasties and I truly think your fears are out of proportion to the situation, and you will see some upside once your initial sadness and shock subside a little.
Last night, I went to a fancy bar, and when I came back from the restroom, I found a whole 1/2 of the bar shifting 1 seat to the left. It was for a man with an I-own-a-yacht air and a group of already-drunk-at-6pm friends, who promised me (and the left half of the bar) a drink for my trouble. Cool, fine. Would prefer you instead didn’t yell-talk and gesticulate so cavalierly with your tumbler of scotch, or maybe choose the long tables or comfy couches meant for groups, but thanks for the cocktail.
When I got up to leave, I said thanks, which he took as an invitation to paw his fat-cat hands all over my back, while slurring about how happy he was to buy our drinks. I duck the sloppy side-hug coming at me, sign the bill, and see the bartender rushing up to me. He leans over and whispers, “When that guy came in, he came up to me and stage-whispered, ‘I am SO rich.’ ”
CAPITALISM, people.
Ugh. I’m glad you got a drink out of it, although I wish you/someone could have conned him into showing how rich he was by buying all the most expensive booze in the place or something.
If only the bartender had shared that information earlier! Rich asshole exploitation opportunity missed!
Toasts, I am a grown-ass adult human being with a retirement fund and everything, and the other day I realized that, if I were willing to settle for three nights of very sub-par sleep and first mezzanine tickets, I could go to New York (from Chicagoland) next summer and see Hamilton for around $500.
I’m considering it.
I came to a similar realization a few weeks back (DC, not Chicago, so closer), and now that’s what my husband and I are doing for our anniversary. If you can spare the $500, I say do it! You’ll regret not doing it
I’ve been doing the math too- I can’t get away in the summer but if I go this spring I can do the whole thing for probably $800. Which is simultaneously a lot and not a lot.
I’ve been resisting doing the money math, because I’m 99% certain that I cannot afford the tickets or the transit or the accommodations. So I’m just resigning myself to the fact that I’ll have to wait FOREVER until it tours, but the performing arts center at the local University always gets great shows with great casts, and we frequently score solid tickets, so that’s my light at the end of the tunnel.
Dooooo it! I also have a free place to stay, but will need to fly in, so all told it will cost about $800 for me and the hubs, but I think I will really regret it if we don’t!
Book thread!Or Rainbow Rowell thread? I started Carry On last friday and didn’t leave the house all weekend because I had to keep reading! went straight on to Fangirl, and just started Landline today, now I want all the Rainbow Rowell books!
Okay, smart people who like Rainbow Rowell. Was I the only one a little uncomfortable with how everyone in the book treated Wren? Going to college and wanting some space from your family to grow as an individual, and learning your limits when it comes to partying is a pretty normal college thing to do, and not quite the catastrophe that her family thought. I think the bit at the end where she stopped being friend’s with Courtney after she joined a sorority and wanted to move back in with Cather just annoyed me a bit. Like no, it’s okay to like books and still enjoy going out, you can do both! And having a friend who joins a sorority doesn’t automatically make her vapid or unworthy of your friendship. Like obviously Wren was not blameless and treated Cather badly, but it seemed to me like Wren was right and they really did not some space to be apart from each other.
Yes Wren was absolutely right about them needing time apart! But I think she realized after being hospitalized that doing her own thing didn’t have to mean not doing anything together with Cath anymore. And I thought their dad took the drinking so seriously because it seemed more like a reaction to their mom returning/a way of dealing with still repressed feelings about her leaving than your normal “teenage girl pushing boundaries” situation. Also I couldn’t stand Courtney!
I think that one of the central themes of the book is that most of the characters go a bit too far on something that’s otherwise okay, see the consequences of that, and then make corrections (sometimes overcorrections).
IE- Wren is right to want to put SOME space between her and Cath, but effectively cutting Cath out doesn’t work well for either of them. She eventually wants to take that choice back, and live with Cath again, which is still probably not the correct choice.
IE- Their Dad underparents the two of them for years, and then when one bad thing happens, he decides to overparent (saying she has to move back home) (and then eventually fixes it to give her a couple options).
Everyone’s making some preeeeeetty questionable choices— some of them work out better than others.
And also, I think WREN is a good example of someone who likes books and enjoys going out.
I just bought Carry On today and I’m looking forward to reading it this weekend!
I recently finished E&P, Fangirl, and Landline all in a row, and JUST got my library copy of Carry On last night and that is what *I* will be doing this weekend.
So glad other people are late to the Carry On party! I just finished it while on vacation and it was a struggle not to gobble it down on the first flight. I loved it so much. I loved Simon and Baz so much. I completely get where Cath’s obsession comes from. But seriously, how great it is to have a book like this where the queer relationship you love is canon?? (Also POC characters! And trauma is acknowledged! So is racism/sexism! And the weird anachronisms of the magic world) Which is not at all to say that that is all it is–Harry Potter with queer characters or Harry/Draco fanfiction in book form or whatever–it is totally it’s own thing and it’s great. But it is a great feeling. Both indulgent and liberating.
Simon and Baz are perfect. Simon is a big dumb happy dork and doesn’t care and Baz is the beautiful stoic tortured jerk that always captures my heart. They are the personification of a dog and a cat dating. Penelope is amazing, like Hermione but able to take even less of your shit.
And god Rainbow Rowell’s writing is electric. So many moments where I put down the book after a particularly striking sentence and was just like “wow.”
I hope she writes more.
hahaha “the personification of a dog and a cat dating” – yes that’s exactly it!
And I really love how both Simon and Baz repeatedly show admiration for Penelope’s smarts and skill.
Toastrons, I am going to a nutritionist today, and I am…nervous. I have been keeping a food journal for the past two weeks, and oof. I feel like I know the theories behind healthy eating, but cannot figure out how to actually apply them in the real chaotic world. And I’m worried she’s going to be judgmental, even though all our communication so far has been great.
Please reassure me with your stories of good nutritionists?
I’ve had a great nutritionist! I think most nutritionists recognize that people don’t come to them when their eating habits are great or even good, and that food and eating can be really shameful or triggering for a lot of people, so they’re used to a non-shaming approach. You can also totally lay it out there: “I’m worried you’re going to judge these choices,” and see how she responds.
Nutritionists are usually the most positive, supportive people. Not inclined to judgmentalism, as a group. If you feel uncomfortable *after* your session, no matter the reason, shop for another. Making you comfortable is part of her job.
I have seen many nutritionists. My experience has been that many nutritionists have an innate sense of “following food rules” and struggle with people who don’t come with that app installed. BUT–shopping around, as others have said, helped me find the nutritionist who could give me what I needed. Also second the advice to tell her about the judgmental worries. good luck!
Reading Thread? What are you all reading this week, Toasties?
I’m listening to Her Fearful Symmetry on my drive to and from work, and I’m not loving it. I’m reading The Secret History on my Metro ride though, and I am loving that!
I finished up The Magician’s Book a couple of nights ago (thankyou, Toasts, that was lovely) and last night I stayed up altogether too late starting Chernow’s Hamilton because, well, I did.
I finally realized I was not going to read The Billion Dollar Spy, at least non right now, and returned it to the library. I read Ancillary Mercy (yay) and picked up yet another book about the FLDS.
I’m reading The Library at Mount Char and it is SO GOOD. Bloody, and somewhat triggering in places, but SO GOOD. I don’t want it to be over.
omg that book was HORRIFYING. The parts that weren’t though….so amazing.
Yes! I feel like I can’t recommend that book to anyone else, because it was so violent and odd that (a) I don’t know if they’ll be able to handle it, and (b) I’m afraid they’ll hate it and decide I’m a weirdo for liking it.
I’m about halfway through Cress and it is lovely and exciting and thoroughly predictable but still fun
I started Rebecca this week – my first time reading it! Not terribly far yet (I’ve just must Mrs. Danvers) but it’s oh so good.
It’s totally due to Crimson Peak, isn’t it? It’s gotten me in a Gothic mood too. I read The Turn of the Screw, and just yesterday I realized that a) I apparently own The Tenand of Wildfell Hall and b) I haven’t read it yet. So b) will change as soon as I finish A Brief History of Seven Killings.
same here, I want to go reread some Emily Bronte.
I haven’t seen Crimson Peak yet, actually! Planning on going on Halloween 🙂
Well, Rebecca should put you in the exact right mindspace!
Just finished We Were Liars and had mixed feelings. Goodreads tells me it is a super polarizing book! Which is not surprising!
Just started Maddaddam. (Do y’all read trilogies all at once? I’ve been reading this & Xenogenesis with long gaps. I’m just too excited about other books.)
I too had mixed feelings about We Were Liars! To try and not spoil it–the ending seemed very similar to a reveal I’d seen done in another book, so the impact she was going for instead became me going, “This again?” What did your mixed feelings come from?
ooh, yeah, We Were Liars! I also didn’t quite know how to feel about it. I read it on vacation last summer and pounded through it in about two hours flat, I literally couldn’t put it down, but once I was done my reaction was basically like “…huh.”
The same author has another book about a girl at boarding school who does pranks that is super cute and fun.
Yeah, exactly, I was enjoying the little bits and pieces of slow reveal, and then there was the big one, and it didn’t even feel believable (did they really plan it that badly?!), and I was actually half expecting to get another twist like “J/K, it was a metaphor for how shitty she feels, here’s what really happened.”
But I also thought if I’d read it before reading/watching [other media with similar reveal] it would have properly blown my mind like it was supposed to…
I think The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks actually contributed to the disappointment I felt at We Were Liars! I love TDHOFLB dearly, and it set a very high standard.
I added that and Boyfriend List to my to-reads, I think I’ll really enjoy her writing with a lighter plot.
I read the Oryx trilogy (spread out over a year, maybe) and thought each book was worse than the one before, but that all were will great and worth reading
yeah, the first was so much great worldbuilding and horrifying dystopia, without the impact of getting all that stuff for the first time the second two just have no chance of living up.
I remember being really disappointed by We Were Liars and also being unable to buy some aspects of the story. It’s been too long since I’ve read it and I don’t remember what exactly I was not able to suspend my disbelief for. From what I recall, the main character has no contact with the other Liars during the whole school year or something? Like I’m supposed to believe that rich teenage girls in the 21st century wouldn’t be able to email and text each other at all? (Of course, it’s entirely possible that I’m mis-remembering.)
I started Ancillary Mercy! it continues pretty much straight away from the second book, unlike the 1st to 2nd jump which changed up the story a lot.
I had to reread Sword before I could start Mercy because I didn’t remember who half the characters were.
So close to finishing The Clasp (after which I’ll dive into The Nightingale by Kristin Hannah). Also American Eve by Paula Uruburu and Charmed to Death by Shirley Damsgaard.
What did you think of the Clasp? Just got my hold copy from the library, wondering how to prioritize it in this weekend’s reading.
I finished it at lunch so I feel fully qualified to weigh in. I have positive feelings towards the book but it’s not life-changing (not that all books must be). I like her books of essays better but this was clever and I was entertained. It’s solidly okay.
I just finished it as well, and I thought it took a topic that could be sort of Thought Catalog-y (growing up and trying to reconcile yourself with the idea that you are not who you were in college anymore) and turned it into this caper, externalizing a lot of the things that could otherwise come off as navel-gazing.
Ooh, I loved The Nightingale! Highly recommend.
I just finished Six of Crows by Leigh Burdago which was pleasingly fast YA fantasy heist novel, of which I want more. I may, possibly, consider starting Ancillary…book two? Justice? Something? I’ve owned it forever and not bothered with it yet. I’m stalled half way through The Girl with all the Gifts, which isn’t doing it for me at all. In conclusion, I want more trashy genre heist novels that don’t make me think too much. MORE, I say!
I was not the biggest fan of Girl With All The Gifts either. I think it was that the author is a screenwriter and was totally writing an action movie in book form – not an inherently bad thing, but not MY thing.
Six of Crows isn’t part of her other series, right? The Grisha series or whatever? I didn’t really like that series, but Six of Crows looks interesting!
I think it’s vaguely connected? I haven’t read the other trilogy – doesn’t seem to be about misfits committing crimes, so I have no interest 😉
May I recommend Scoundrels by Timothy Zahn, a Star Wars heist novel starring Han Solo and Lando Calrissian? Utterly delightful, even if you don’t normally read tie-in novels.
Seconded! And if you’re into Star Wars, the reveal in the last sentence is so great.
I’ve never seen Star Wars – would it make sense?
I honestly have no idea! But I think it would. It’s filling in some implied backstory from the movies, so there’s some layers going on, but if you’re willing to roll with “wacky sci-fi setting” I don’t see why not.
I am also stalled halfway through Girl with all the Gifts. I want to finish, because I have a goodreads reading goal that I really want to hit, but maybe I should cut my losses.
It’s not YA, but Scott Lynch’s Locke Lamora series is fantasy+heist+band of friends (not sure if they qualify as misfits). I haven’t read the third book yet, but I liked the first two.
I have read it! I love the first one so much that the rest sorta pale, and I irrationally resent them.
I know exactly what you mean, it’s why I’ve had book #3 on my shelf for months and haven’t pulled the trigger to read it yet. But I am interested to learn more about Locke’s love interest (have forgotten her name)…
I really wanted to like Locke Lamora but the role of women was just… ehhhhhhhh.
It gets much, much better, though. Book two features a pirate captain who’s a single mom of two, for example. Obviously you have every right to stop at the first one, but if that was the only thing you didn’t like about the first, I highly recommend two and three. Scott Lynch has been actively trying to improve re: including female characters (both in the background and as main characters), and I think it’s paid off.
Not to sour your opinion prematurely or anything, but I haaaated Her Fearful Symmetry. And I bought it, too! Ugh.
I’ve got so many books half-started. I hate it when I do this. Piled on my coffee table right now: Lolita, Snow Crash, Bluebeard, The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairly In A Ship Of Her Own Making, and The Noonday Demon. I gotta finish The Noonday Demon bc it’s a library book, but I mostly read on my commute and it’s too damn heavy to carry in my purse.
I got a print copy of Her Fearful Symmetry as a Christmas present a few years back and just never actually read it. So I figured maybe I would be more interested in listening to it, checked the audiobook out from my library, and I’m just really not into it. The characters are so boring, the story is dragging, and honestly I feel like I could just skip over huge chunks of it and not miss anything at all.
For what it’s worth, The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland is a pretty quick and fun read. It doesn’t take too much brain power to get through once you get started on it! I haven’t read any of the others, but I definitely hear you on the having half-started books that you just can’t quite finish!
It does not get better! Ugghhh, sorry, I shouldn’t bias you either, but since you already don’t like it … I loathe that book for taking a fun premise and just being so awful.
Margaret Stohl’s Forever Red, the Black Widow YA novel. I cracked it open last week on the commute home, but then work craziness ensued and I haven’t opened it since. Looking forward to tucking back into it this weekend.
Recently I finished Austenland which was cute, quick and fluffy, and Carry On, which I need to re-read once my brain is back to fully-functioning.
I am HERE for any discussion of The Secret History. Which, incidentally, was written about a very, veeeerrry thinly-veiled version of the college I went to, so I am also proud of it on that account.
Do people actually talk like that at your school? Man, I enjoyed that book, but I could not get past “is this really set in the 90s? have I just never met the right New England blue-bloods?”
A handful of people, sure, but I feel like you get at least some weirdo intellectuals everywhere. The 80s (when Donna Tartt was there) were apparently an especially bonkers time in the history of the school, so I cannot speak to that. We did have our fair share of eccentric dressers, rambling wilderness, and irresponsible house parties, though.
true, my small college definitely had its weirdo intellectuals. And I love that they get to find each other (even though in books that almost always ends in MURDER).
It’s not ever specified that I recall, but no, it can’t be set in the 90s. Has to be no earlier than 1976 (the Fleshtones poster, the Gaultier corselet) but no later than….’86? considering the necessary passage of time to get Richard to grad school by the publication date.
the speech patterns of combined intelligence and affectation are relatively timeless to my ear but the particularities of everyone’s drug habits feel very ’80s to me.
edit: also I can’t remember if it was Cecil Beaton or Cyril Connolly that Julian was being an irritating young snob around back in, what, the 40s or 50s? but that narrows down a bit too. not that I think Donna Tartt did the careful math on it, but I think he is supposed to be of the generation he seems to be.
Always assumed it was the early-to-mid ’80s to coincide with when Donna Tartt would have been in college. (Another fun fact: Bret Easton Ellis attended Bennington at the same time, so Rules of Attraction is also set at a fictional version of the school, and there are a couple of throwaway lines in both books referring to each other–RoA mentions a group of eccentric classics majors.)
I’m not very far into it yet (about 100 pages), but I’m really loving it! I can’t even put my finger quite on why I like it so much, but I like the writing style and how rich the settings seem to be! I didn’t realize that the college was based on a real place, that’s awesome!
Yup, 90% of the descriptions of the campus are true to life, down to most of the names of the buildings and local businesses. (If you feel like google image searching “Bennington College,” it’s that.) Whenever I re-read it, I end up getting homesick.
I looooooooooove love love The Secret History. Everybody in it is such a terrible garbage human and I love them all so much.
I finally got off my ass and finished The Haunting of Hill House last night when I couldn’t sleep thanks to cat worry. I started the book last year, was moderately creeped out misplaced it, read it again and was not creeped at all. Possibly because of more real fears.
I just finished Fables: Blood of Heroes, a companion novel to the new upcoming Fables: Legends game. I really like the writer, Jim Hines so it was a fun read! Nothing special about it, but for anyone who likes rpg video games and Dungeons and Dragons type stuff, it was a very enjoyable read.
I’m working through Between the World and Me and really trying to take my time with it. Then probably back to reading how-to books on beekeeping.
I finished that recently! It was nice to read it slowly. The wording was so beautiful and powerful. I underlined passages and I’m not an underliner!
I have it as an electronic loan from the library, and I was doing all sorts of highlighting, and then I realized I’m going to lose all the highlighting when the loan expires. BOO! Maybe I’ll just write down all the things I highlighted onto pieces of paper, staple them together, and just keep that on the bookshelf?
The Faraway Nearby by Rebecca Solnit who is one of my favorite nonfiction writers. She wrote a whole book about walking and made it beautiful.
I read “The Diary of Mattie Spenser” Based on a Toastie recommendation and really enjoyed it while I was reading it. Then I sat and thought about it a lot and started picking it apart in my head. Still, I’m glad I read it!
I recently DEVOURED More Than You Know by Beth Gutcheon, which was recommended to me I think in last weeks open thread. I was enraptured, and frightened, and then I cried a lot and it was wonderful.
And now I’m reading The Lost Art of Keeping Secrets, which is apparently similarish to I Capture The Castle.
I’m reading Breakfast of Champions because it’s my partner’s favourite.
I just finished People in the Trees (by the author of A Little Life, the saddest book of all time), and was WEIRDED OUT.
I have been plowing my way through the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series. I read the first two books when they came out, forgot all about them, and then recently found out there are FIVE books in the series now. I read the fifth, just got the third from the library, and am waiting for the 4th to arrive.
The fifth one was SO DEPRESSING to me. I had read all the others, but got the fifth from the library when I hadn’t even realized it was a thing and oh gosh, so sad.
I found it really hard to buy the premise that the girls would have lost track of one of the 4 so completely that they would have been completely unaware of such huge events in her life. (I’m trying to avoid spoilers but you know what I mean.) I’ve definitely had friendships where we slowly drifted apart, but this was like “we were so close, we were closer than sisters, then one of us totally cut off contact with the others and we shrugged it off as being due to her living far away.” Seriously?
Also… Bridget… I tried to cut her some slack since it’s so heavily implied she inherited her mother’s bipolar disorder, but I feel that someone really needed to give her a good shake and say “YOU CAN’T BEHAVE LIKE THIS.” Her hard-working lawyer boyfriend comes home from a long day of defending poor people pro bono and she’s like “lol I haven’t made dinner or bought groceries because I’ve been too busy giving away our belongings.” Augh.
I know what you mean, I found that really hard to believe too. Especially the four of them? Seemed like a bit of a forced premise.
And ugh, yeah, Bridget. She was always a mess, and obviously a lot of that is part of her possible bipolar disorder, but still.
I hadn’t realised there was a fifth one, and now I am not sure if I should read it. I just want them all to be happy!
I loved that series, but the fifth one… oh the fifth one. It was sad, and even though I know it was going for a more adult approach to their lives, but I didn’t like it. I read it quite a few years after I had read the rest of the series though, I probably should have done a re-read of the others before that one.
THE FIFTH ONE IS BASICALLY A SAD CHILD’S FAN FICTION SOMEONE ACCIDENTALLY PUT IN A BOOK
My new now-i-have-a-job-and-free-time reading pattern has turned out to be: nostalgic children’s fantasy book, nonfiction book on weird topic, repeat.
Most recently this has been American Exorcism by Cuneo (awesome), The Chronicles of Prydian by Lloyd Alexander, and Rabid by Wasik/Murphy (which is a cultural and scientific history of rabies//vaccinations, and also awesome). If anyone else is into weird nonfiction books tell me what you read!
I just started Hild, thanks to a million Toast comments about it. The last book I read on overwhelming Toastie recommendation was Code Name Verity, so the bar has been set very high.
Also why are there so many amazing books about young women that are set in the north of England??
Did you read the companion to Code Name Verity? Rose Under Fire? HOMG READ IT, IT ALMOST KILLED ME
I did!! I was skeptical at first, didn’t think anything could live up to the first one, but of course I was a teary mess by the end.
So, I’m looking for a new series with really excellent world building. Think Harry Potter/HungerGames/GameofThrones. (I also loved David Eddings’ Belgariad, if that means anything to you.) Humor is good, fantasy is good, excellent characters are a must. What are your go-tos?
N.K. Jemisin’s Inheritance Trilogy (The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms, The Broken Kingdoms, The Kingdom of Gods). Could. Not. Put. Down.
Seconding this one. I also love Joan Vinge’s Summer Queen cycle (I don’t think that’s what the series is actually called, but the first book is the Summer Queen). Technically sci-fi, but with more of a fantasy, science=magic vibe.
I really like the world-building in the Bas-Lag trilogy by China Miéville. More than the stories, to be perfectly honest.
The Chalion series (first book Curse of Chalion) by Lois McMaster Bujold is excellent. The Mistborn series by Brandon Sanderson is very good. I strongly recommend The Inheritance Trilogy, which has been recommended by other people in this list.
Second the Bujold recommendation, it has great characters and world building. Also seconding anything by NK Jemisin, her recent book the Fifth Season was really awesome and different but I was completely immersed in the story.
Malazan Book of the Fallen series by Steven Erikson is very labor intensive but also some of the most masterful world-building I’ve ever read.
Sabriel by Garth Nix, always. One of my favorite YA novels of all time.
Ursula K LeGuin’s Earthsea novels forever, but they’re sci-fi, not fantasy
Seconding the Malazan books!
Seconding Garth Nix’s Old Kingdom series! And I read all of them for the first time as an adult, and found them wonderful, which isn’t always the case for me with YA, if that’s concern for anyone else.
I also recommend the Kingkiller Chronicle by Martin Rothfuss, Graceling and Fire by Kristin Cashore, the Darkangel series by Meredith Pierce, the Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison, and Hild by Nicola Griffin (though it’s not fantasy).
The Bartimaeus Trilogy. Alternate history, vaguely present-day London where wizards control everything, but their magic comes entirely from summoning spirits. The spirits are not very pleased about this. Nor are the non-magical people. The djinni Bartimaeus is one of my favorite characters of all time and one of the best (and most hilarious) first-person narrators. Wizards have been controlling demons throughout all of history, and Bartimaeus, being immortal, has been around for most of history, so you get great asides that put entertaining spins on historical people and events.
Cinda Williams Chima’s Seven Realms series is awesome! Great world-building, character development, adventure, intrigue, and a kickass heroine.
Martha Well’s Raksura series, starting with The Cloud Roads- a realistically large world, with many, intelligent species. The protagonist is a shapeshifter who hasn’t met any of his own species since he was a small child.
I second the recs for the Chalion series, Nix’s Sabriel- and Lirael, set in another part of the Old Kingdom- and any of N.K. Jemisin’s books.
In SF, I think C.J. Cherryh has a knack for solid settings.
Fantasy humour? Well, Pratchett! The early Discworld books basically treat the world as a setting for some parody of fantasy tropes, but by partway through it’s pretty much a character in itself. Try Men At Arms, and meet the great and highly smelly city of Ankh-Morpork.
One of my YA comfort-read worlds is Velgarth- Mercedes Lackey’s Valdemar books are set there. I think either the Mage Winds series (starts with Winds of Fate) or By The Sword would be good places to try. Another is the Mage Circle series by Tamora Pierce, and another is the Touchstone trilogy by Andrea Host (beginning with Stray).
Oh good rec for the Cloud Roads – I have loved all of Martha Well’s books, and those are so visual and solid in my head!
CJ Cherryh too, I’ve been rereading the Chanur series, starting with Pride of Chanur and working forward. Think Lions In SPAAAACE, plus machiavellian politics across four species, and it is perfectly twisty and gratifying.
Melanie Rawn’s Dragon Prince and Dragon Star trilogies. Lots of politics and dynastic succession like Game of Thrones, but with less unrelenting grimness and characters you can actually root for. Lots of good characters, magic that literally involves light and colors, dragons, etc. Highly recommended. Sometimes I go places or look at pictures and think “this must be what X place in the Dragon books looks like.”
I also really like her Exiles books but I don’t know if she’s ever going to write the third book in the trilogy so maybe don’t get involved in that unless it every gets written.
You might look at Dorothy Dunnet’s Lymond Chronicles – They are historical but set far enough away that it feels like very foreign, if you know what i mean? And also they traverse the known world of the time, which went farther in all directions than we think. I found them very very VERY intense, but worth the read. The first is Game of Kings. If the first chapter or two don’t speak to you, stop! But it might work too –
Lois McMaster Bujold’s Vorkosigan Saga!
Not officially a *series* but this librarian HIGHLY recs Seraphina by Rachel Hawkins and the companion book Shadow Scale. A vibrant semi-middle ages world with magic and dragons and just… awesome. I’m not a huge fantasy person (HP aside) but I really loved Hawkins’s writing.
Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series … The Wee Free Men is a great entry point if you enjoy YA, otherwise I like Mort or Equal Rites as entry points, or Men At Arms, as mentioned above.
Thursday Next series by Jasper Fforde is another great one. If you’ve studied and/or enjoyed classic BritLit, so much more the better.
Check out Grace of Kings by Ken Liu. I didn’t love it personally, but I could tell that someone who liked Game of Thrones would LOVE it.
Seconding the Inheritance Trilogy so hard.
The Lies of Locke Lamora and its sequels by Scott Lynch. Con artists and families of choice running around in what feels like a slightly magical 16th century Vienna.
Oh and the second one has pirates. And a terrifying, ass-kicking, sabre-wielding, devoted middle-aged mother of two pirate captain.
GUYS GUYS — Its my bday and im 30!!!!!
I’m having friends over tonight and the companion and I are going to wine country this wkd and everything should be charming and wonderful and as it should be. BUT– A WHOLE OTHER DECADE?!
My grandmother had 6 kids are my age. My mom had a house. I have student loans… BUT a lot more opportunity, and great friends, and have done great things! SO its fine, right? RIGHT???
Welcome to 30! Having been here a whole 8 months with no kids, no house and barely any idea of what I want to do with myself, I can honestly tell you it’s fine.
Happy birthday! I’ll be turning 31 on Monday and I have to say, I’ve rather liked being 30. You’ll be fine too – you’ve done things you like and even if your life doesn’t look the way you expected it to, that’s okay.
My life certainly doesn’t look like what I thought it would and I’m not altogether happy with it, but I sure as hell wouldn’t go back to my 20s for anything, especially my early 20s.
hbd! Welcome to the “in our 30’s and navigating the fact that that means something totally different for us than it did for our mothers” club! It’s mostly great here!
Welcome to the 30 club! I like it so much here I might extend my stay for a year or so.
Happy birthday! What are you doing to celebrate?
Happy birthday!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Yesterday was my birthday and I turned 30 too! Almost birthday twins!!
Birthday Twins! Happy Birthday to you, too!
CONGRATS! 30s are the best. Signed, a 31 year old person with no house and no kids, and PLENTY of student loans.
happy happy natal day!!!
Welcome to the land of 30!!! I just joined about a week ago 🙂 So far, so good!
Fanfic thread?
I just watched the 2009 Star Trek with my roommate (who had never seen it before) and I decided I needed to read some Bones/Kirk fic and then basically disappeared into a hole reading all 230k words of Switch, by Ceres_Libera. SO GOOD, and most likely the longest fic I’ve ever read.
I just read a pretty fantastic Adora-bull (Dorian/Iron Bull, I just love that name for their ship) that includes building up a tolerance to Vitaar and handfasting 🙂 Ars Amatoria
Hey toasties! So I feel kind of bad for only delurking every once in a while to beg for advice, but, DOING IT ANYWAY. Thanks for all your wisdom and patience!
Librarians and library-adjacent folks: do you have any advice for breaking into the field after getting an MLIS, having only a smidgeon of library experience, then working outside the field for, like, six years? Over that time I’ve periodically tried really, really hard to get some library work under my belt and have gotten tons of interviews, but no offers at all. (I think part of the problem is that I live in Boston and am not really willing to move, and there seems to be a terrible glut of librarians with absolutely stellar credentials here).
Is it even realistic to keep chasing library jobs at this point, or should I resign myself to where I’ve landed in academic publishing? What sort of continuing education/experience/etc would help, if any? What are your thoughts on people with MLIS’s applying for paraprofessional jobs?
Thanks so much- <3 <3 <3 you guys!
You are so right, location is a huge part of it. There are way too many librarians in the Boston area. (There are way too many librarians in the Chicago area. Big libraries have shitty hiring processes that make it hard to get a foot in the door. It is a shitty job market for MLIS’s right now.)
But since you asked – are there any volunteer opportunities? Do you speak Spanish or another second language that’s common in your area? Are you at all interested in database management? (There are a whole hell of a lot of IT librarian jobs floating around at the moment.) Those are the places I’d focus. That, and the relentless slog of millions upon millions of applications.
Good luck!
Hmm, I’m actually working with textbooks dealing with Access right now and am toying with the idea of learning SQL-thanks for the tip, I might explore that direction!
I work in IT as a business analyst (aka requirements analyst) and I use the skills I got from library school ALL the time. It’s actually difficult to find good BAs where I am (DC) so salaries tend to be competative. If you’re good at figuring out what a person’s information needs (software requirements) are, and communicating them so that other people (developers & testers) can understand what has to be created to meet that need, you might want to look into becoming a BA (https://www.iiba.org/).
Yes, sticking to one location, especially one with a big library school nearby, makes everything harder. After library school I spent three years away in a librarian job and then wanted to move home, so I found a kind-of-librarian job, went back to school for an MA (all the good jobs here are with the universities), applied for literally every librarian job in this region including two that I was perfectly, spot-on qualified for, and I am currently in a paraprofessional job, because it was the only option for full-time employment that I could get, and it sucks so much to watch less-qualified men get librarian jobs here while I am not even called for an interview.
I highly recommend trying to find sub hours in public libraries. There’s always a few hours here or there that need filling at a desk and it’s a great way to get your foot in the door. Also, if you can afford to do so, attend meetings of the local library association.
As a librarian who’s actually trying to move out of the academy, all I can suggest is that there are a lot of ways to be a part of the librar* community without having the job title “librarian.” This was a revelation for me – I can still be a librarian even if no one calls me a librarian! For you, finding jobs that support librar*s might be more successful – for example, given your publishing background, how about working in open education or open textbooks? Because friend, let me tell you, finding an academic library job is HARD AS HELL right now.
Sincerely,
4 Years on Contract in Academia and Sick of It
Toast, I re-sprained my ankle last night! Last summer I drank an unspecified amount of whiskey (too much) and fell down the porch steps of my house at my housewarming party. And APPARENTLY once you sprain a joint it re-sprains much more easily in the future, GREAT. I was at Krav Maga, not even doing anything cool – just backing away from a partner during a drill, and I stepped wrong, because I can’t walk on two feet like a human adult. It hurts and I am peeved because I was JUST getting back into the running groove.
I posted a few weeks ago about trying to decide whether or not to continue Krav or not. You were all wonderful and gave amazing advice, and I have not come to a final decision yet. I decided to start doing 3-4 hours a week rather than 1-2, as someone wisely pointed out that it’s hard to really learn something you only do once a week. I had a terrible time last week, and was dreading class on Tuesday, which is when I managed to poke someone in the eye pretty badly during a drill. I left (snuck out, really) and cried all evening because I felt like a horrible person, because I’m a reasonable adult who is not neurotic at all. I don’t know how I managed to drag myself to class last night, but I had a great time (minus the aforementioned sprained ankle), so….go figure.
My instructor also let me know that I could take my first belt test in November, if I wanted, so I’m freaking out about that too? I don’t know if he thinks I’m ready or if he just kind of had to tell everyone who’s been going for a certain amount of time. I don’t feel ready, but I’m also wildly critical of myself so may not have the most objective/realistic view of my skills. I just don’t know.
That’s my angst for the week! This weekend is my sister’s baby shower, but I’m hoping I can use Saturday to make some food for the week and maybe do some baking.
I just wanted to let you know that I, too, have injured myself while backing away from a partner during a drill in Krav Maga (this post felt EERILY familiar). And I started straight-up sobbing in class and then spent the rest of the night sobbing because I felt like I was a failure, and that people thought less of me for hurting myself in such a trivial way and crying in class.
But. Then I went back a week later after I felt a little better and I have kept going back ever since, and I don’t think in fact that anyone thought less of me. All of this is to say that I think you are not a horrible person, and accidents happen (to yourself and to others), and if you enjoy it, it’s worth keeping doing.
(Turns out I probably broke my toe, also, so I had thought my pain was illegitimate and in fact it was very, very legitimate.)
I’m sorry you hurt. I hope you have effective pain relief. Angst-wise, would you feel better if you asked the instructor, “Did you tell me about a November belt test because of the amount of time I’ve put in, or because you feel I’m ready?”
Try not to beat yourself up too much about injuring your partner- obviously ideally no one gets hurt, but it’s also just part of the risk you take in a combat sport. I’ve been maimed in all sorts of ways in judo, and I’d only ever blame the maimer if they did something after I’d specifically told them not to. Otherwise I just tease the white belts about being dangerous and dig out my ice pack- over time the giving and receiving of minor injuries pretty much balances out.
Disclaimer I am not in any way shape or form a medical professional. But I have had two sprained ankles in quick succession and I would recommend doing physical therapy. I didn’t do any after the first but I did after the second and it made a huge difference. If you can’t afford seeing a physical therapist you can google ankle strengthening exercises
I also recently sprained my ankle in a very similar situation – I was at taekwondo practice and I stepped badly backing up from my sparring partner and fell down with TERRIBLE pain. I was/am really annoyed about it because it meant I couldn’t train for about two weeks and now I need to constantly be aware of the risk for reinjury so I FEEL YOU. Getting injured from a silly mistake is the most frustrating thing.
I feel like with martial arts you will always have good days and bad days. I have had practices where I’ve accidentally hurt my partners and felt awful and like I had no skills and then there are days when it makes me feel amazingly physically confident. It’s an intense sport that requires a lot of perseverance and discipline – upping your hours per week will definitely help you improve but also requires more of a mental commitment.
Good luck on your belt test! I’m testing for my blue belt tomorrow and I’m very nervous about it. But if your instructor tells you you’re ready to test it you should just do it, don’t doubt yourself! It’s unlikely he would ask you to test if he really thought you weren’t ready/he wasn’t prepared to pass you.
I just went into my third trimester, and dudes, I had NO IDEA HOW HARD PREGNANCY WAS.
I legitimately thought it was going to be a time of glowing and maternal feelings; instead, I’m sort of happiest when I’ve completely forgotten that I’m pregnant in the first place. And the hormone surges are like WHOA, and the physical discomfort is DOUBLE WHOA, and I’m dealing with moving/house fires/gas leaks/dad’s cancer/work weirdness/being broke ALL THE TIME, and there is a lot of crying in my house, and I’m feeling really lonely. And I’m feeling like shit that I feel like shit, if that makes sense, because I wanted this time to be sort of magical and instead I’m just terrified about all the life changes that are coming my way. What if I hate my baby? What if I’m a really terrible mother?
I need to hear from others: how did you navigate Big Life changes? This could be the birth of a child, but also the loss of a parent, the dissolution of a relationship, the start of a new job..whatever made you feel like I currently feel, which is that the future is unknowable and therefor scary?
I’m so sorry you’re feeling lonely, and dealing with so much on top of being pregnant. I don’t have advice, really, just strong feelings about pregnancy and early parenthood being a hard time, and even harder because you’re generally expected to only be positive about the whole thing. I found being pregnant very physically uncomfortable and nerve-wracking, and worried too about the possibility of not bonding or not being any good at caring for someone so vulnerable.
What helped me navigate it was working hard to be kind to myself about the situation as it was – telling myself it was okay to hate feeling sick, okay to worry about a big life change, okay to not know how it was going to go. It often meant telling myself those things even if I didn’t fully believe it. It also meant minimizing my exposure to a lot of birth/baby centred websites/groups that put a lot of emphasis on exhaustively planning and discussing details that, in retrospect, didn’t matter. It’s 2.5 years later and I can see looking back that I was being much too hard on myself – at the time I interpreted all my doubts as meaning I was failing, when really that’s how most people are feeling.
Wishing you the best ♥
This, this, a million times this. Pregnancy and early parenthood is waay overromanticized in society. A lot of it just sucks. I would also add that while everyone talks about the big instant rush of love when your baby is born, this doesn’t happen to everyone, and that’s ok. The baby is a stranger who has been dropped like a bomb into the middle of your life, and sometimes you have to get to know them for a while. Plus it is hard to feel emotions while excessively sleep deprived. The love does come, I promise.
The third trimester is hard. Hard! And yet thanks to the miracle of hormones (and also sleep deprivation) I forgot how hard it was until I went through it again and, yes, was miserable. As my doula kept telling me during labor, the only way out is through. (Not true! I kept yelling the back of my head. There are epidurals!) Unfortunately, there’s no epidural for the third trimester 🙁
I’m sure you’ve already thought of this, but any self-case you can do is helpful. Yoga, even for ten minutes a day? Go to bed half an hour early? Journal? Etc. Can you find an activity where you would meet other pregnant women or women who have very recently had babies?
In my experience, the best way to navigate Big Life change is just to grit your teeth and work through it, trusting that after some unknown stretch of turbulence and, perhaps, misery, you’ll find your balance again. I had both of my babies at really difficult times of life (new jobs, moving, unemployment, etc) and found that to be true. Probably some other Toasties will have more actionable advice 🙂
You will not hate your baby. You will be a good mother. Big internet hugs.
The third trimester is so hard! I want to reassure you that you won’t hate your child! You may sometimes struggle and may not have the instalove that some people talk about (I didn’t. I cried about it. Three weeks later, I was more in love with my son than any other being on earth), but you won’t hate the child. What got me through the end of my pregnancy and through the first few weeks of my baby’s life was reaching out as much as possible. I just called every friend I’d ever had and explained that I needed them to talk at me. Anyone who needed a listening ear those first few weeks was in business since I was too tired to really do a back and forth! It made me feel useful, nurturing and less lonely,
Being pregnant is terrible. Don’t feel bad for not liking it! It’s literally torture for many if not most people who do it. And on top of all the other stress in your life, crying sounds like the thing to do! BUT also PRE-partum depression is a real and treatable thing, so don’t be scared to mention it to your doctor if you think you are having a harder time than is reasonable.
You won’t hate your baby. You’ll be a fine mother. It will suck for a little while, because the first six weeks or so are really physically and mentally taxing, but it will get better! I found it helpful to not expect much – for instance, if I expected to have to get up every hour, then getting two hours of sleep in a row was a delicious victory.
So far in my life I’ve dealt with big life changes by getting drunk and sleeping around, but hopefully that will change. It’s also probably not that helpful for you.
Big hugs.
I have never been “I NEED A DRINK RIGHT NOW” as much as when I was pregnant. I might have even done it–if French ladies can do it, so can I–if alcohol just didn’t taste bad while pregnant.
Oh, I’ve definitely been enjoying THE SHIT out of my every-three-weeks tall can of cider.
**Disclaimer: I am not a mom and have never been pregnant.** There’s definitely a societal expectation that pregnancy is a magical time of joyful expectation and beautiful change and that you’re “glowing” all the time, and I think for a lot of people it is just not a fun time at all. You are growing a human inside you, that’s a big deal, and from what I understand it is physically and emotionally exhausting and things just hurt a lot. It’s okay for you to feel like it completely sucks! (Although I am sorry that it sucks, on top of all the other things you are dealing with.)
The best way I’ve found to deal with Big Life Change is to just let myself feel my feelings, and prioritize my own comfort as much as I can. When I first moved to Chicago and had no job and no friends here and no idea if things were going to work out, it was important for me to let myself freak out a little bit. Then I would soothe myself with trash TV and blogs. I took a lot of naps. Eventually life fell into place.
I had easy pregnancies and I would still have gone for a uterine replicator in a heartbeat. Pregnancy is hard, absolutely and unquestionably. But good news, how you feel about pregnancy has zero connection to how you will feel about your baby and how you are as a parent!
I’m a planner, so I planned. You know what level of planning and education you find useful instead of anxiety-making.
For the day-to-day stresses of parenting, I suggest identifying your handful of key things and reminding yourself that as long as you’ve got them, you’re good. I mean really foundational, like “everyone’s alive and safe” (there are days when all I accomplished was not making like Laius and Jocasta and abandoning a baby on the hillside, but that was an accomplishment, damn it) and “if I failed to be kind, I apologized as soon as I could,” like that.
Best wishes.
I fantasize about uterine replicators on the daily.
That sounds really really hard – it was hard enough when I was warm and sheltered and working part time and cared for. And I still was moderately miserable, and in pain and discomfort and yeah, all that. You have a ton of extraneous stuff going on, no wonder you’re stressed to the max. Also I actually asked my new pediatrician what would happen if I didn’t love my kid. True fact. She didn’t laugh at me, but she did roll her eyes and shuffle me out the door.
So yeah, the loving your kid thing seems to happen. As Kate Nepveu pointed out, your current feelings towards pregnancy do not dictate how you’ll feel once the child arrives.
Oh, I knew they were incesting just from watching the preview. Everything in this movie was so obvious and hackneyed. It was like a (bad) mashup of “So I Married an Axe Murderer” and “Fall of the House of Usher.” I really hated it, but this article is making me love it. So, good job I guess?
Fun ramping-up to Halloween plans, anybody?
We are going to my wife’s work party this evening, and on Sunday as both a pre-Halloween and post-anniversary fun thing, we’re doing brunch and then catching the TCM Dracula double feature. Then next Friday, a local theater that has a Wurlizter organ is showing the original silent Phantom of the Opera.
I envy you that Wurlitzer and silent film. Have a great time.
I am having a Halloween party tomorrow for around a dozen small toddlers. I don’t yet know whether it will be fun or the worst decision I’ve ever made. But I have several pounds of goldfish crackers and I’m not afraid to use them!
You are a far, far braver fish than I!
We had this party last year, when they were all four to six months old, and it was fun. I wasn’t going to try it now that they run around and create havoc, but other parents kept asking me about it, and I often feel the need to make parent friends, and so I sent out invitations a couple weeks ago, and here we are. Every day Mr. LF asks hopefully if I want to cancel but I am persevering! If you never hear from me again, assume I was eaten by a pack of feral toddlers.
My tall daughter is going to be Suki the Kyoshi Warrior from the Last Airbender, and my younger but getting taller daughter is still the right size to be Toph and we are workingn on the tall daughter’s young man to be Sokka. That is fun times at our house!
YOU GUUUUUYZZZZZ it’s Bring Your Dog To Work Day 😀 i don’t have a dog but i LOVE animals so this is my “Getting Nothing Done And Playing With All the Dogs” day. i’m covered in dog hair and i’m overstimulated and exhausted and i haven’t even finished breakfast yet and am having the BEST DAY *dies*
I talk about the shelter pups I walk a lot on the open thread, but seriously, walking dogs at my SPCA is the best mental health decision I’ve ever made. I HIGHLY recommend it. I also don’t have a dog and really can’t have a dog right now, but hanging out with dogs for two hours a week is AMAZING. If you enjoy playing with dogs day and volunteering at a shelter is feasible for you, I cannot recommend it enough.
Just look at this face and think of all the joy!
i see you posts and think i would love doing that but then i worry that i’d want to bring them all home.
we *do* get a certain number of volunteer hours at work. hmm. i really should look into this. animals do make me SO HAPPY.
thank you for the encouragement 🙂
Not taking them all home is legitimately hard. There’s one at the shelter right now I’ve completely fallen in love with and actually spent a long time this week thinking about the logistics. I really cannot own a dog right now (it would not be good for the dog), though, so that sort of makes the decision for me, but it is sometimes really, really hard. I’m not sure how I would do if owning a dog were a more legitimate option.
this is amazingggg! there are occasional dogs wandering my office, but our cubicle-mate is allergic to dogs so i am not supposed to cuddle them at work. which is unfortunate, because my roommate’s dog hates me/all humans and refuses to cuddle.
UPDATE: there was a Halloween costume contest!
3rd place: black miniature pinscher dressed as a lady bug
2nd place: gray brindle pit dressed as a shark (and looking very embarrassed by the situation)
1st place: the teensiest weensiest little chihuahua i have ever seen dressed as a lobster and being carried in a cooking pot
i also made a concerted effort to pet every single dog in the office. i’d guesstimate there’s about 30. including my favorite little hamster: a mini white pom with gold spots. much cutes! so spazz!
Man could I use some Madame Clairvoyant today 🙁
Toasts, tomorrow I am driving my elderly parents and their even more elderly dog to Florida in a rented minivan. They are leaving the home and land where they have lived for 20 years to enter a retirement community. I moved back to the US to live with them three years ago, and will be leaving them behind and staying in the north for the winter at least. It is all heartbreaking in the short term and a huge relief in the long term…but in the very short term, I have a 20-hour drive ahead of me. Are six audiobooks enough? I should just buy the damn Hamilton soundtrack already just in case, right? Advice and/or commiseration are welcome…happy weekend, everyone!
Oh my gosh. That is a lot. But yes to Hamilton, for now.
Yeah–it’s kind of heavy. You can imagine, knowing the county, what it means to leave…anyway, sold on the Hamilton rec! It’ll help me get through the next week!
Yep. Can’t be summed up neatly, so: that is a lot. I am thinking of you and yours.
<3 <3 <3
Thank you!
OH, that is a lot. Hamilton for sure.
Thank you! At the very least I will understand more Toast in-jokes…
Good luck with your drive. Six books is not enough because what if one (or more) of them is terrible?? Get at least double the number of hours of books that you think you’ll need, and also some podcasts in case you need to break things up. (Your public library probably has lots of books to borrow, which you probably know, but just in case you don’t I am now telling you!)
Thank you! This is my first time trying audiobooks (I am an avowed Reader) so I got them all from the library. The problem is finding books that all 3 of us will enjoy. I went for a mix of classic mystery (chandler, rex stout), humor (dave barry, wodehouse), and fantasy (gaiman and erin morgenstern). But you’re right, if there’s a dud, I will be facing dead air. I’ll try to get back there today…
Definitely get more than you think you need if you’re getting library cds! Some of them will probably be scratched beyond what you can stand listening to.
BBC radio plays, like Agatha Christie or Dorothy Sayers, are really good because they’re designed to be listened to. A lot of books don’t work as well on audio because of pacing.
Also look for Bill Bryson and Michael Palin’s travel writings, maybe the No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency series (I have issues with the books but the narrator is great and they seem parent-appropriate).
Finally, Hamilton is actually not good to drive to if you are prone to tears and need to be driving.
Awesome advice, thank you. How could I forget Bill Bryson! And BBC!
Warning on Hamilton noted. I listened to it when NPR had it on First Listen, but I was working so wasn’t listening closely. However, I don’t think I am prone to tears. I will chance it.
Glad to be of help! I used to listen to audiobooks a whole lot (now I mostly listen to podcast and podfic (fan readings of fanfic)), but I retain Opinions.
This is good advice! We always bring a mountain of podcasts because invariably one of us will listen for 10 minutes and decide it’s annoying.
Fashion toasts! I need ideas for evening/cocktail wear that’s not skirts or dresses. I don’t mind if it’s feminine (although I would also go full menswear-style suit, or anything in between). Size-wise, I’m kind of hovering around the border between straight & plus. I know there are tons of great options out there, but I’m just not sure where to start.
Could you do a fancy and/or shiny JUMPSUIT???? I can imagine a black-tie-ish jumpsuit with menswear details. Also there are lots of options around now both with or without sleeves — I always like to have the choice.
See, my immediate reaction is JUMPSUIT NO, but also part of that is that I’ve never considered myself the kind of person who can pull off trendy things (while at the same time realizing that “pulling it off” is basically a scam wherein if you act confident, people will believe you are), so maybe I should just try some on anyway because SHUT UP BRAIN YOU CAN”T TELL ME WHAT NOT TO DO.
I feel the same way, but somehow my brain files jumpsuits under “timeless classics.” Also, it makes people believe you have magical powers if you do pants/jumpsuit as formalwear — people are easily impressed, I know, but it’s nice to feel impressive!
Like when I make homemade salsa – I put things in the food processor and then turn it on and then turn it off, and then there’s salsa, but people are amazed by it.
Yes! Jumpsuits are the homemade salsa of the sartorial world. Or something?
Do the Nordstrom thing!!
Ohh, I totally forgot about the Nordstrom thing! That’s genius!
what’s the Nordstrom thing???
You can get a free appointment with a personal shopper/style consultant. I did it for an overall “get me out of a jeans and tshirt and cardigan slump,” and the lady in the dressing room next to me was there to get set up for a black-tie event, so she got a dress, jacket, jewelry, heels, and purse. Basically their job is to make you happy and comfortable. It was great. ALSO I hate shopping so this was perfect because I didn’t have to go out and look at all the things on the racks — he brought me stuff.
VERY COOL. Maybe I will try this out next time I’m in a Nordstrom for Bra Reasons.
Oh, they have a separate bra-specific situation! It’s the best. I only ever buy bras from them now because their bra fitters are so good.
Oh, wow. This might be the solution to my “I hate shopping for clothes” problem.
Some other clothing stores will also do this for you – when I was headed to the only high school reunion I ever went to I walked into the local fancy women’s place with a child by the hand and baby in a packpack and jeans and a shirt with spit-up on, and said “help me” and they did!! They did it again four years later when i needed to look like an artist. I call it my Artist Costume and I rock it. So Ask if a place you like shopping (or like the windows of if you hate shopping) might be able to help. I think a lot of sales people feel that their customers do not make optimal decisions, so you are making them happy too.
A thing laurenipsum told me about lo these many months ago, where you can use Nordstrom’s personal shopper/stylist service and still get good results even if you’re not shaped like a model, which was my main concern about services like that (other than cost, but Nodstrom’s service is free and I’m okay with splurging right now if I get something I really like out of it).
I LOVE tuxedo pants. You can fem them out with a pretty blouse or toss on a blazer if you want to go more menswear. And they look way fancier than regular pants.
I’m imagining how this might look, and it’s giving me some very sexy thoughts, so thank you!
I am also imagining it and it looks amazing.
Tuxedo pants=sexy AF
Where do you get tuxedo pants that are tailored for women?
I honestly don’t know. I haven’t had a pair in a few years (though clearly I need to get a pair) and I can’t remember where I got my last pair for the life of me. They should be pretty easily google-able!
I think bling is your friend. Whether it’s a sparkly top with black dress pants, sequins, or glossy satin, or jewellry, this is a place where accessories can really dress up an outfit.
Ughhhhhh if the Jays lose tonight they’re out of the playoffs and I’m just so pre-emptively sad about it. IMAGINE ALL THEIR SAD FACES.
I’m going to image their happy faces on Saturday night instead. 🙂
That is probably a better plan.
I’m physically incapable of watching the games, so that’s another strategy I guess? Pretending with all my heart that the game isn’t actually occurring, even as I’m surreptitiously checking twitter for the score?
Me neitherrrrr. I’m seeing a play with a friend, so I won’t be able to check the score until probably an hour into the game? Ugh baseball is ruining my life.
Cat thread? Cat thread…
Heated bed bliss.
We have the exact same heated cat bed! Our cat is rarely seen outside it between October-March.
Nessie the Kitten says “get off your laptop”
Saffron gets a wee bit jealous when I read instead of paying attention to her.
My Saffron does as well. Her paws can change the font size on the kindle and she finds this endlessly amusing.
My parents have recently captured a stray kitten and have been sending me pictures! Her name is Dora and she is still quite shy, but also has the funniest little face!
THAT FACE!
Klaas-Jan has been extra-cute lately and is now determinably on my lap, after I was gone for like, a whole HOUR getting groceries.
And I got one of him yawning, for good measure:
That last one is amazing.
He yawns well. Very pointy.
These are fantastic pictures. Last one literally made me lol
He’s a good, if silly, boy.
I snortlaughed at that last one and then had to show it to my boss, who also snortlaughed. Unfortunately I can only upvote the post once, but you get a mental second upvote for that.
Excellent catting!
I heart your cat.
Last one (all of them, really, but especially the last one): BEST CAT.
sleepy time on our messy bed!
#notalwaysbaddicus
I can’t see this one, just a grey ‘stop sign’.
Oh no! It looks normal to me, but far be it from me to deprive anyone of mah cat.
and
I can see those ones! The pics going thing has been happening to me for a while – they will be there when the thread is first posted but later on half of them are gone.
I have had that happening to me too. I really wonder what is going on. Maybe the site redesign will fix it!
Weirdly the ones I could see have gone now!
This happens to me all the time with onehundredthjen’s pictures! I think it might be google cloud related?
Beautiful cat!
Cat thread is the highlight of my Friday! And now, you’ll get a story.
So last Friday, mere hours after posting in cat thread, my kittens got out of the apartment (thanks to a door that didn’t latch shut). I ran up and down all the stairs and around the basement without finding them, and promptly went into panic mode. Like, “call my mom while trying not to hyperventilate thinking about how maybe they got out of the building oh god” panic. I’ve had these bbys since July, they’re 7 months old, and this was the first time they’d gotten out like this. Yeah. Well, one major facebook thread, tumblr updates, trip to the store for tuna, searching the basement with friends, and three hours later, the kittens were back. #teamcatshidinginbasements.
Moral of the story: I’m good at not-panicing while being panicked and friends are wonderful supports. Also cats really do love the tuna and will show the hell up for that.
Here’s my picture from the next morning, after calming down and loving on the kittens.
Double lap duty!
We visited the cat shelter store front for my friend’s birthday! Here she is with one of the cutest kittens there.
How am I meant to transmogrify the cats if they will not go in the transmogrifier? This is as close as we’ve gotten.
Cats know they are perfect as is, hence no need for transmogrification.
Clio sticks her tongue out at This Week, in general
Frankly, I also would prefer to hide in the linen closet
Cat toasties, how worried should I be that my monster cat is now 16 lbs, up from 14 in the spring or later? My first vet warned me he’d be a big’un when he was only a tiny one, but a more recent vet wanted me to get him down to 12 (from 14). He’s an indoor boy cat with tons of energy who jumps and pounces and hunts and happily runs laps in the apartment, so I think his exercise level is good. I’m just now trying a new food so maybe that’ll do it, but do you have any thoughts/tips/anything? https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=d83…
Do you free-feed him? (Aka, just make sure the bowl has dry food all day?) This is how one of my cats got “extra big”, mostly because if there’s food, he’ll eat it, and he’ll eat food out of his sisters’ bowls too. I had to put them all on a feeding schedule, and I feed them Purina Healthy Weight, and it seems to be helping.
Yes and no: he gets fed a specific amount (a little less than the bag says) of dry food twice a day. So he’ll graze and not eat it all at once, and I don’t take the bowl away, but I don’t refill when it gets low. Thanks for the brand recommendation, I’ll check it out!
Is he fat? Have a feel for ribs, backbone, does he have a waist if you look at him from above, how is the definition of his hind legs when he catloafs? Captain is a massive cat – his vet-approved thin weight is 6kg (about 14lb) – but is is also an idle old bastard so I do have to keep him on a more or less permanent diet because he will play for about three minutes before sitting down.
He’s pretty beefy. The extra weight I’ve noticed lately has been in his thighs and belly and even his chest. There’s some definition of his legs when he catloafs, but he has big old drumsticks. He has a bit of a waist when I look from above–the aerial view looks totally healthy, but I can feel he’s put on some weight and his ribs aren’t as easily felt. He has always had a swaying belly, even when he was wee, so that’s there to stay. Here he is: https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=d83… (how do you embed photos, how am I such a grandpa)
God the photo is even SIDEWAYS why is everything doing everything.
I can’t see the pic, it takes me to a message saying I can’t log in to your gmail! They need to be online somewhere and then you can normally find a ‘share’ button that will give you code with img tags either side of it.
https://instagram.com/p/71fAcykn6U/
https://instagram.com/p/7slMEDkn3o/
He’s adorable.
My vet advises a 20 minutes window for noms, anything not consumed in that time gets removed. That and food toys have helped my Heffalump stay fightin trim.
INTRIGUING.
He is a total weirdo and wants company while he eats. In his dream world, you feed him and then you stand there vigorously scratching his back until he’s done eating. But your girl’s got shit to do, you know? Other than helping a cat eat? So he eats a bit, finds me and whines, eats a bit, repeat. 20 minute window might help that too…
He is lovely! Captain got fatter than that… He is just giant though.
This is a decent weight for him
but he was quite a lot fatter…
I LOVE HIM
(and thanks for helping me in my technologically feeble state)
my kitten, coco, stretching out.
Pet thread?
These guys, always hanging out:
…Is that a kitten or is your dog a giant?
He is a kitten still (but getting pretty big now!) and a medium-to-large dog.
Not my pets but hopefully soon to be other people’s pets! (Shelter pups of the week)
Oh my goodness, the last two are the happiest gargoyles! I want to scratch behind their amazing ears.
that little pom! aaaaahhhh! if i weren’t an emotionally unstable person who isn’t home half the time, i would have you tuck that little hamster in an envelope and send it to me.
WHO ELSE GOT HAMILTON TICKETS THIS WEEK? I know CleverManka did, and a couple of others … I am going in April. I think LMM won’t be there, but I’ll deal!
My friend and I are trying to decide! I am not sure if I can feasibly pay more than $100 for tickets (for next September, in the rear mezzanine, like….holy crap) but I REALLY want to see it. But it’s SUCH an expense. Argh. The most I’ve ever paid for theater tickets before was $160 to see Alan Cumming in the Cabaret revival last year, and that was a “I’ve been dreaming of this for ten years, I’ll spend absolutely any amount of money to be as close to the stage as possible” purchase.
One of my friends finally started listening to Hamilton after he resisted my badgering weeks ago, and now we’re looking at getting tickets. I’ve been working really hard to not spend money lately, but I think this is one of the few things that would actually be worth it.
I got mine a few weeks ago and am going in January. Do we have any sense of how long the original cast is staying?
At least through Tony season, I’d assume. I mean, J.Groff is out to film Looking right now, but he’ll be back around Thanksgiving.
Tony noms are in early May and the award show is early June, and most shows try to tie in their big name nominated folks through the summer at least.
A one year contract is pretty normal for opening a show. Also a Broadway show is a Good Job, lots of people stay longer. You can raise your kids in New York City on that contract. And most actors, however amazingly talented, cannot just walk out of this show into another long run, especially not such a good show.
My boyfriend and I got ours last week! We’re going on July 5, which I figure is my way of celebrating Independence Day (I’m pretty meh on the holiday otherwise, but: RAPPING FOUNDING FATHERS.) I’m also hoping that the entire cast realizes that they have job security for like, the rest of time, and doesn’t leave until at least after that date, haha.
A plus timing! (My plus symbols always disappear.)
A quote I like:
“If, for you, patriotism has seemed like a near-impossible feeling to feel, [Hamilton] is an utterly unique opportunity to experience pride in a nation.”
The Songs That Inspired Hamilton, The First Cool Musical http://www.thefader.com/2015/08/31/hamilton-music…
I got mine a few weeks ago for the beginning of March. I’m tacking a couple of days in NY onto a longer trip to the east coast and have almost convinced myself that I can afford it.
Meeeeee. And I am so happy other Toasties have as well.
Just started playing it for a friend. (Who reminds me a LOT of Hamilton, with a little Burr; friend admitted, “I’m kind of afraid to hear what’s coming next!”) My tickets came in 2’s–so I may be able to get him to come. He said he wanted to see it after the first 2 songs… but balked when I said, well, yeah, it’s in New York. (We’re in Wisconsin.)
Ha, now to get a second job. I’m not throwing away my shot!
HALLOWEENING.
I have two Halloween playlists on rotation, Cabin in the Woods in the DVD player for tonight, and today I am wearing my skeleton-girl cameo necklace. Last weekend I went up to The House on the Rock (I chickened out of their haunted house tour, but the regular one is spooky enough, especially given they’ve added skeletons to EVERYTHING).
What are you doing to celebrate the season?
I’m getting dressed up as archeopteryx! Cardboard wings and everything!
Wow I love you
My town has an informal “zombie pub crawl” every year, so I’m thinking of putting on some goofy makeup and shuffling around town with some of my soccer friends tomorrow night.
Red candle wax makes really good blood for clothes! Easy to dribble and splash etc.
My wife and I are gearing up for two halloween parties in the next two weeks, and she – being the absolute greatest – is sewing our costumes this week. She’s going as a dinosaur (stylized in an awesome dinosaur scale-print poodle skirt and long spiky tail) and I’m going as Owen from Jurassic World (with a homemade faux-leather vest to match his from the movie). I’m doing my best to help out by tracing and cutting pattern pieces, but mostly just watching with heart-eyes as she turns bits of fabric into beautiful costumes.
We’re also planning to make fun drinks for one of the parties with bits of dry ice at the bottom to make them bubble and smoke.
Ooh, the House on the Rock! I hadn’t thought of that. I’ve never been. It’s a little over an hour away… maybe I’ll be able to make it over there.
I need your help with my relationship, guys. We made an appointment for counseling, but it’s not for another month, and I’m worried about whether or not we’ll even last that long.
Long story as short as I can make it, I have a partner who I’ve been with for a couple of years; we are really suited for each other in a lot of ways, love each other, etc, etc. We’re in our mid-30s. We’ve lived together for much of our relationship.
However. I have a very traditional career path, and while things have not always been easy for me, I’ve worked my way into a perfect, incredible, and amazing job which I love. I obtained this job by moving out of the state where my partner and I met and were living at the time to another state, bringing him with me. He’s in the arts, and he was not well-employed in the previous state, and he’s having an even worse time with employment here. There are no jobs in his field, that’s pretty much the long and short of it. So he works jobs which he finds pitiful and demeaning, for very low wages, while I am the primary breadwinner. This wouldn’t bother me if it felt sustainable, which it does not, partly because it makes him feel so demoralized and emasculated.
He also suffers from intense, painful depression. This depression has been amplified since we moved to our current home state (about a year and a half ago), and it manifests itself as anger, bitterness, and general disgust with everything. It makes him unpleasant to be around and exhausting, and his resentment of me– for having such a great job, for loving where we live, for having money– is palpable.
When things are good, I forget all of that and I love the life we share. But I never know when things are going to be good or bad, and the change is often so abrupt, triggered by nothing (or it seems that way to me), and can happen at any moment. We fight all the time when he’s in that state, and in those fights he accuses me frequently of being a bad partner.
When I try to tell him gently that I need things to change, he launches into a long monologue which I’ve heard dozens of times by now about how utterly miserable his life his and how hopeless his career is, and how unfair it is of me to place restrictions on him or expect him to live within boundaries I set, when he (according to him) does not do the same to me. I feel like I’m expressing what I want and need, which is a future in which we are stable and can think about having a family; he feels like I’m setting lines in the sand he can’t cross.
I’m not ready to call it quits, though I know that’s a possibility. I don’t know how to communicate to him that this life isn’t good enough for HIM and THAT’S why it’s not okay with me– that what I’m unhappy with his his unhappiness, not that I’m trying to force him into a mold I have in my mind. So I feel stuck in this loop with him that I can’t get out of.
Oh man. I wish I had advice, but I only have commiseration. My situation is similar. It sucks. *toasthugs*
Maybe if anyone can help me, it will also help you!
I have been just really focusing on myself and making sure I am keeping myself busy and happy, and hopefully that will help me last out the month until counseling. I’m very good at that; I’m very resilient and I know that I’ll be okay if it ends– I went through a divorce a few years ago and have had some shitty job situations and health situations and other tough times and I know I’m strong. So self-care isn’t an issue for me, but sometimes I don’t want to just be good at taking care of myself; I want to know that I’ll have someone ELSE to take care of me.
He struggles with depression, and he works in the arts. Okay. Odds are that he would not be making big-dick non-emasculating amounts of money no matter where y’all live. So it’s not about you, and it’s not about your location. In fact, in terms of having things like food and shelter, he’s damn lucky to have you in his life.
But he is struggling with depression, he doesn’t feel lucky. I get it.
Don’t let him put that on you, though. Sounds like he’s trying to.
He needs his own therapist, for him, who can help him figure out things he himself can do about his own life and how he feels about it.
Absolutely. He’s finally agreed to seek help– he’s been avoiding it because, not having a job, he doesn’t have good insurance coverage– and I know things were much better when he was seeing a therapist instead of unloading everything on me. So here’s hoping.
Oh god yes, that’s so tough. I dropped therapy for awhile when I didn’t have coverage, and it was just … not good. Our system is just so ill-equipped for helping people in need; it’s pretty demoralizing.
I’m frustrated by how he seems to be putting all the responsibility on you – unless you kidnapped him & keep him chained to your radiator, he chose to come with you, and he is choosing to stay. I know it’s not an easy situation from his side, and depression etc. can make it difficult/impossible to deal maturely with stuff like this, but it’s not your fault there aren’t jobs for him (and it’s not your fault he feels emasculated by you being the breadwinner either).
Also…this is tricky to say, because I have dealt with depression, and I have friends who have dealt with depression (most of them, actually, at some point or another), and I know how hard it is to pull out of a bad place, but he needs to take responsibility for how his depression is affecting both of your lives. It’s okay to be depressed, and to have bad brain days, and to not be happy all the time, but the dynamic when he’s depressed sounds just awful, bordering on abusive, and that is Not Okay and he needs to understand and deal with that (and ask for your help if necessary, instead of just dumping on you and then getting defensive).
Sorry, I guess that’s not super-helpful? And please let me know if I’m way off-base – this is just hitting a lot of my buttons around the unpaid emotional labor that women are expected to do for men by default.
No, that’s right on target, except that I wouldn’t call any of his behavior abusive– I’ve been in abusive situations, and this isn’t that. Hurtful and angry, though, yes. I just don’t know how to effectively communicate with him right now.
THIS. I deal with depression and it is horrible and makes me feel like shit, but it is NEVER an excuse to be a dick to to other people or to place the responsibility for my issues on other people’s shoulders.
Ditto!
this is just hitting a lot of my buttons around the unpaid emotional labor that women are expected to do for men by default.
I’m terrible at relationships and don’t have any advice to offer, but… The mention of emasculation made me think about how if a woman is getting supported by a man, she’s supposed to be straightforwardly grateful, whereas men get to express their feelings around pride and self-sufficiency via the concept of emasculation.
You’re not ready to call it quits. He’s not changing any of his habits.
Are you ready to call a pause? Consider requiring him to meet certain achievable milestones before resuming the relationship? Like he has to have three sessions and recurring appointments with a counselor.
Toasthugs. This is very, very hard. For both of you.
Honestly, I would be really into that idea (and it’s crossed my mind) if we didn’t live together or if he had somewhere else to stay during that break. I could stay with a family member, I suppose, but I pay the rent and I’d hate to spend all that money on a home I’m not even living in for that time. Meanwhile he has no one in this area he could stay with, so I couldn’t ask him to go elsewhere. I guess in general, I wouldn’t know how to even present that idea to him; it’s not something I’ve ever done in a relationship.
Those details you can work out with your own counselor. I think you deserve a compassionate, professional listener.
Instead of thinking of it as money on a home I’m not even living in for that time, maybe reframe it for yourself as an investment in your relationship? It sounds like you have some support in your current location and he does not; if you approach him and say “We need a short break for you to get yourself sorted out, and I feel so strongly about this I’m going to move out and keep paying rent here to facilitate you doing that” I think it sends a strong message of teamwork.
On the other hand, if you say “We need a short break for you to get yourself sorted out, find a place and move out for a month,” his depression may drive him to hear “I’m breaking up with you in a super passive-aggressive way because I don’t want to be with a depressed loser” and he might decide to return to your previous town where he has a support network instead of staying in your current area with no support. Not saying this WILL happen if you try this approach, but don’t be surprised if something similar does. Depression does awful things to our ability to hear difficult messages.
Oh man, first of all I have so much sympathy. It must be really hard to have a partner who blames you for things which are very much beyond yours, or anyone’s, control. That’s really unfair of him.
I’m particularly interested though, because I have also struggled to find my career footing and been seriously under-employed, and then, just recently I moved to follow my husband’s career, and even though I gave up a not very impressive position, although it was very stable and I loved my coworkers, I have found it really hard to throw myself back into the search, mostly because I had such a bad time of it the first go round, and it won’t be any easier now that I don’t have a network, etc. etc. It’s very demoralizing to have skills and passion, and not have anyone recognize that, in a hiring sense. It wears one down to get a constant string of rejections and it’s even more depressing when you’ve realized that you’ve stopped even trying because you’re so used to hearing “thanks, but no thanks”. So I really do have some sympathy. BUT also, it’s not my partner’s fault that there was a recession on when I graduated, or all the choices and compromises that I had to make following from that. It’s really, really uncharitable to begrudge someone their success. For me, it is galling to know, for example, that he still gets job offers every week or so. When we told someone we were leaving and they said, “You should have let me know you had an offer on the table: I would have made a counter offer to come work at X.” Which is just something that I can NEVER expect to hear in my field. I mean, my eyes light up when I hear the words “full time” and “some benefits”.
But it’s not your job to make the world a fair place. Nobody can do that. I’m going to get a little bit Little Women or whatever and say that we all have our burdens to carry, and being a trailing spouse or partner has it’s own very real burdens: on top of doing a job search again, I’m also more isolated than ever, I’m completely dependent on my partner to a degree that I haven’t been dependent on anyone since I was about 16 and I lived at home with my parents, and they had a legal obligation to feed me and whatnot. It’s honestly one of the bigger batch of weird, helpless feelings I’ve had to deal with. But that’s also the burden I signed up for when I said to my partner, “Yup, let’s go ahead and do this.” I was an adult, taking an adult risk. The consequences, which so far are a bundle of weird feelings, a lot of financial uncertainty, and having to wear two pairs of socks indoors, are mine to deal with.
Having said that, there’s tons of stuff that my partner has brought to the table that have eased the burden somewhat, so it’s not like I’m saying to lock your partner out in the backyard and have him do a spirit quest by himself to figure this out. I think there are things that can really help for the breadwinning partner to do, which is maybe something a counselor could help think up to be specific for your situation. Mostly what I need from my partner is sympathy for the toughness of the job search, but disinterest (because I want to say, “Ugh, I worked so hard today putting in applications.” And then not have to answer any follow up questions like, “Oh really, how many?” or “Is that why you ate a whole sleeve of cookies?”; the perfect answer is, “Ugh, totally. What’s on TV?” or “Go get ’em tiger. Let’s have a margarita.” or you know, stuff like that) and then also a lot of transparency on finances. Like talking a lot about who pays for what, when. I read a ton of budget blogs, and I’m sure the Billfold has something (I’ll take a look after I finish pouring out my guts) about how to navigate relationships where people make different amounts of money. If you split rent for example, it might be worth considering doing it by a ratio of your salaries. It can be hard for the partner who makes less, if the spending is calibrated according to what works for the partner who makes more.
So really, tl;dr I have a lot of sympathy for his position, but all that blame is totally unfair. Still there probably are some tweaks that can be made to make everyone happier all around. Also, as other people mentioned, depression is a whole other layer, and he should probably have his own counselor in addition to the couples one, who can do more work there.
Oh man, this is super terrible and frustrating, because you are both hurting and both kind of right.
For your part, you want a stable life and a future with him where you’re both happy. It’s not clear what restrictions you’re placing on him, other than “please seek treatment for your depression, and please don’t be cruel to me,” which are not so much restrictions as they are requirements for being a good partner.
From his point of view, he’s already moved to a place he doesn’t like AND sacrificed his career to be with you, and continues to make that sacrifice every day, so being asked to give up more feels insulting.
The thing is, sacrifices are necessary sometimes, and while it’s normal to regret being forced to make a choice (like between your career and your partner), you don’t want a partner who regrets the choice they made to be with you, and right now it doesn’t sound like he’s sure about his choice. Maybe being with you means that you guys will move to a different state in three years where you’ll both have career opportunities, or maybe being with you means that you stay where you are forever and he’ll never have a job he likes. But he has to know what he’s getting into, and he has to make a choice and commit to it.
(I start off with the disclaimer that I am the last person in the world to give effective, real-world-tested relationship advice, but …) It seems you have two givens: 1) you are not ready to give up on the relationship, and 2) he is unhappy. So, what will make him happy? Aside from a fairy godmother descending from the heavens and creating a superstar art career from scratch, that is. If he isn’t seeing a therapist for depression because he can’t afford it, can you offer to pay for it? Does he need a space to do his art in? If there is no concrete step that can be taken that will make him happy, then yes, it seems like the relationship has to end. But if you don’t want to give up on it, it sounds to me like this is a case where you have to be the generous one.
“anger, bitterness, and general disgust with everything”
I know you said you aren’t ready to give up. Just don’t let yourself forget that depression (I Haz It) is not a reason to be an asshole.
And keep up with the selfcare.
Yes, this. Ugh, I was with a guy like that, who at the end of our relationship wasn’t supporting himself because of mental health problems and his inability to see those as such and get help (I was in the same boat at the very end but I accepted it was a mood disorder and I needed help), and the separation process was a nightmare. But necessary.
So this is interesting to me, because I think I have a slightly different read on things. Not working? Not feeling appreciated professionally? Not having friends or a network of any kind, aside from your partner? These provoke real feelings, and that has real consequences…which could be part of why he’s depressed, or why his depression has spiked.
What are you willing to change together, as a couple? Even though you just moved, would you be willing to relocate to a place where he might have a professional shot? Would you be willing to work longer hours so he could be the primary-care parent (and recalculate his professional standing in the process)? Would you be willing to help pay for career counseling or skills upgrades, if he can’t afford it? If he’s feeling bound-in by relationship constraints, what would it take to loosen them? Making this a collaborative process not only gives you some insight into what he’s prioritizing, but also allows him to feel like he’s taking the lead without having to do all the figuring-out-the-change work himself.
guuuhhhh I’m nearly in the same situation, although the specifics are a little different (not arts but an equally usually-severely-underemployed-field) and we’ve been constantly fighting because I’m tired of the only one earning anything while he’s feeling free to spend and he’s miserable that he moved from an ‘almost if you squinted you could call this a living wage’ job to a horrible one [although he approached it with a “and moving here will totally boost my job prospects!” attitude] and his solution has been to pursue several tens of thousands in more grad school which is, in turn, is making me nuts because I just see debts debts debts – same problems, different price point.
Dear v-d- budenmayer,
I am sorry you are going through this experience.
This is not easy, but you may have to accept that your partner might never change from the way he is at this moment. He may become more bitter and unhappy, and revel in his wounded / sensitive / artistic / crippled nature and in his unrealized dreams as an artist.
Stop believing that your success, your self-expression, your attempts to negotiate and your appropriate boundary setting is making your partner feel bad. This is nonsense trotted out to manipulate you and deflect attention from the bigger picture of your relationship.
Your partner’s happiness, management of depression, his employment, location, career choices, attitude, and lifetime self-realization are his responsibility and his alone.
It is so important that you take time to assess whether you are prepared to be in this situation in another 1, 5 or 10 years!
What is the trade-off you are willing to make for being with a partner who is moody and who blames you for all their problems?
Is it worth the risk that it never gets better no matter how much you try?
Would you stay with your partner if he were not mentally ill but was behaving this way toward you?
Are you prepared for this person to never be ready to commit to being an equal, respectful, loving, autonomous and supportive partner?
What if he decides he is never quite ready to be a parent?
What does your instinct tell you?
Maybe my story may be of some assistance to you or others in similar situations:
I am a classically trained musician and met my ex-husband (also a musician) when we were both students. It’s not a lucrative profession so money was always problematic. Unfortunately my ex didn’t cope with the reality of life in the wide world, and he was glad I earned money from my work but at the same time resentful of my success.
My ex-husband suffered from multiple mental illnesses, and refused to get assessment and treatment for a long time. I became hypersensitive to every indicator that his mood was about to change for the worse, including the tone of his voice when playing computer games online. I was really young and from a family where it was normal to accommodate a depressive, narcissistic male so I didn’t perceive that the relationship was unbalanced and unhealthy.
I allowed my hope that things would improve and my ex-husband would live up to his potential to override my gut instinct that what was happening was not okay.
Thinking his emotionally abusive behaviours were due to his mental illnesses, I gave my ex-husband more leeway than I would any other person. Imagine my distress when I realized he was mentally ill but also choosing to act like a controlling bastard towards me of his own free will.
I spent countless hours listening to his self-pitying rants, including hours in parked cars at the supermarket and in the middle of the night. I attended marital counselling to show I was willing to negotiate boundaries and expectations. My ex-husband refused to abide by our agreements, and ‘forgot’ there were boundaries that he had accepted. He ‘forgot’ the consequences of his behaviours that had been explicitly spelled out at the marital counselling sessions.
The best thing I did, late in the relationship when things became too difficult to bear, was to regularly see a different counsellor on my own. I had support and somebody who could reassure me that what was happening was not healthy, as my ex-husband frequently blamed me for his unhappiness and I had believed him for a long time. For many years he told me I just had to try harder, and I did try harder to no avail.
Counselling also helped me to protect myself from destructive, cyclical and unwinnable arguments, and to eventually say to him ‘you don’t have the right to treat me this way.’ I just wish I had seen a counsellor earlier in the marriage instead of trying to handle it on my own for so long.
I spent 14 years of my life in a relationship that started out as exciting and stimulating, but that turned into a hellish, traumatic experience. I delayed having children because my ex-husband wasn’t ready and I am now unable to have children at all. I developed stress-related health issues that continue to this day, I suffer a lot of symptoms similar to PTSD, and I envisage my therapy will be ongoing for years to come. But, I survived and am so happy to be rebuilding my life in a fashion of my own.
My very temporary, polite, courteous, and in all ways stellar housemate left for a 2-week vacation this morning. He’s only been there like, a month and a half and I’m already SO EXCITED at the prospect of having the house to myself for a few weeks. Sleeping on the couch in front of the TV! Not having to wear a bra! Or pants! Talking to the dog! Ordering and consuming most of a pizza and bottle of wine! 19 straight hours of Dragon Age Inquisition!
I’m excited. Also, apparently I really am suited to living alone.
I have also found that this is also true when living with a lover. Can go to kitchen without offering to get someone else something! Can set the television at a completely reasonable volume! Don’t have to hide the Ben & Jerry’s from prying eyes and spoons! Relatedly, can buy something to eat and ACTUALLY HAVE IT STILL AVAILABLE TO EAT a few days later!
My new roommate is, so far, working out GREAT (does dishes, takes recycling out, much less annoying to live with than my ex-husband even before he started being a jerk), and still, every time she gets home, I’m like “uuuuuuugh why are you heeeerreeee” (she is there because it’s the only way I’ll be able to save up enough to buy a house to live in all by myself is why, but still).
i am always like this whenever my partner goes away, even though i do what i want whenever he’s home too, just the freedom of knowing there is no audience whatsoever. totally takes me back to my last apartment before i met him, when i was loving being single and living alone and doing everything my own way.
Recently I got home from work, and my roomie (who is also my brother) was out for the rest of the evening. I promptly stripped naked and peed with the bathroom door open.
bighairnoheart, I thought of you this week: http://revealmyselfinvincible.tumblr.com/post/131…
Oh sweet Jesus. It could not be more perfect. Would it be mean to print it out, tape it to his door/cubicle and run? Do I care? (No. No, I don’t.)
I steepled my fingers over my mouth and chortled with glee at this mental image.
Is anybody else living in a house/apartment they hate?? My partner dude and I are realizing that leaving our previous tiny nest was a big mistake, so we’ve got a major case of the sads. New place has mice, broken stuff, loud rude neighbors, and a landlord that doesn’t care about building maintenance as much as he should.
I mostly dig my place, but right at this moment, my upstairs neighbor is playing guitar, not very well. It’s Friday night though, so I have to be a little understanding. Still, if it turns into Wonderwall, I’m going to glare at the ceiling for a while.
Glaring at the ceiling is a very kind response! You are stronger than I!
I have been there, and you have my sympathies. I lived in an apartment I hated for two whole years and finally moved out last month, it’s cost me a lot of money and I had to move outside the city but I’m still much happier. That said, it may not be an option for you so here are some suggestions for making do:
– Can you get a cat? That was what finally solved my mouse problem.
– Depending on what the broken stuff is, you might be able to contact a local government dept for help. I once lived in a place where the roof leaked and some tenants finally reported the landlord and it was fixed in a matter of weeks (versus the months we’d dealt with it)
Good for you! The costs of moving are so terrible, aren’t they? That’s why we can’t move right now… Also we just got here in August, so the financial wounds are still fresh.
I wish we could get a cat! If my partner weren’t allergic, then that would be my first line of defense. But sadly a cat would maybe be worse to have around than the mouse!
Thank you for the tip about the government; it was indeed part of the roof that leaked. I think that part is fixed, but there’s a section above one of our windows that still lets water in. I’ll have to see if that would count. Plus there’s still water damage from when the roof was shitty, so that also needs to be fixed. Argghh!!
Ugh! That truly stinks. We moved at the beginning of September, and I’m still getting into it: our new place is creaky, we can hear our neighbours all the time (which means they can hear us), the bathroom isn’t heated, the kitchen smelled like gas for weeks until we finally called the gas company (who told us we had a leak, so we have to live without a stove for a week while the landlord replaced it), etc. etc.
BUT! Our old place was above a noisy bar, and we were constantly stepping around puddles of vom, and we lived on a busy street, and the water pressure was terrible. There are tradeoffs to everything. I bet if you had to, you could name three or four things that you LOVE about your new place (I love our proximity to the grocery store, our little parkette across the street, and the hardwood floors…even if they DO creak!)
Yes! My husband and I moved almost a year ago to what we thought was going to be “decent place with more space!” and I really dislike it and can’t wait to move. I am hoping I can pull things together to move quickly now that the lease is coming up *crossing fingers*
Please direct your attention to this tweet. There are so many stories behind it that I like to think are badass but are probably just dreadful and sad. Headcanon, they’re badass.
The intrepid few used… books! Riding whips! NURSING BOTTLES.
Agree, they probably are mostly dreadful and sad stories, though. The world is not Chicago.
Hi everyone! I forced myself to go to work today, I solved a (small)problem they didn’t know tgey had, and nothing is any better in my life but my bosses were very concerned and sympathetic about the ex issue.
There is karate training all weekend and im going to as much of it as possible. Punching things helps.
I am also going to buy myself new converse.
Yay for karate and yay for converse. What color are you going to get? I reallllly want pink ones right now.
probably either red, denimy blue, or plain canvas. I’m boring, and also I want to be able to wear them with my Doctor Who costume.
In other news, idiot has texted me 8 times in the last 24 hours, will be stopping by later to pick up a kid’s passport, and I will see him at least 6 more times this weekend (kid things interacting with my things, also, he’s a moron and can’t even figure out how to get a kid to the ACT without me explaining the email to him 3 times).
Do I win prizess for not murdering people? Or smashing my phone?
You win my undying admiration, if that helps?
Update! I survived the karate seminar!
The store was out of Converse in my size that weren’t aqua high tops. But—karate! Nothing processes anger faster than working out until you can barely swing your legs over the bed the next morning.
I have several things to discuss. A) I am now in my mid-40s and I finally finally finally feel that I am now truly an invisible middle-aged lady. Despite knowing about this phenomenon in advance and having told myself that I could handle it, I am rather shocked and infuriated by how invisible I (and therefore other women) indeed am. B) The morning I left for a week-long business trip to a European city where I do not speak the language (and where no one there speaks English), I found out that my child has lice and probably I do too. This might qualify as the most DISGUSTING thing that has ever happened to me largely because there is nothing that I can do about this problem (for myself — my husband has cleaned up himself and our son) while I am away. God it sucks.
Ugh, the lice thing, I have been there! Me and my two kids got it a few years ago, what a hassle. I know you are on the road, but if you are inclined you can spray listerine on your head and comb out with a lice comb. I got so good at it that friends were sending their kids to me to get combed out (yess I am gross!). Good luck to you, it will work out! Kids bring home the worst things.
I feel you on the lice. I found out that my daughter and I both had lice two days before Kindergarten started. I ended up paying professionals an ungodly amt of money to de-nit us, because after spending about 6 hours combing I realized I couldn’t handle it in time for her to start school. LICE.
Capitalize on your invisibility and start shoplifting.
I LOVED that scene in Grace and Frankie. I LOVE that show, really, but I feel like maybe someone at some point could have used the word “bisexual.” ANYWAY.
And in Six Feet Under!
Not sure if this translates. I am only a little older than you. I have been playing with my appearance. Loud hair color, loud jewelry, in-your-face haircut considered shocking in Small Town Texas, insistent insertion of self in any public place I want to be, even when clearly unwelcome. Only one or two of the above at a time, though. Result: Not invisible at all.
Yeah, Ann Richards is my goal there. She once wore a full-length fur coat to Whole Foods, when it was a dingy little hippy establishment on 12th and Lamar. You can’t beat that for brass balls.
Yes! Ann Richards is one of my heroes. It’s amazing how understood I feel here. Toastfriends are the best.
YES! Purple hair does the trick very nicely. Even as a young woman, I was fairly invisible; since I started dying my (gray) hair purple in my mid-50s, ka-POW.
many times have we gone through the lice thing. The Cetaphil method works really well, but takes forever. (saturate hair to the roots with Cetaphil cleanser, comb nits out, blow dry without rinsing. This forms a shrink wrap and suffocates them.)
You guys! They’re showing a recording of the NT Cumberbatch Hamlet in the cinema this Thursday, and I’m going with my great new colleague! Have any of you ever gone to those NT cinema thingies? Is it static, or does the camera follow the actors?
I saw the Cumberbatch/Miller Frankenstein last year and if I recall, there were multiple camera angles used.
We saw it last week and it’s AMAZING. Much more like watching a movie than a stage show–lots of cameras and angles and the sound mix is pretty flawless. 🙂
Ooooh. Looking forward to it even more now!
They do all sorts – it is movie-esque but also you feel the urge to applaud at the end! I hve been to loads of them now and am totally addicted.
I’ve seen a few NT Live performances, and there are multiple camera angles, close-ups and so on. It’s areally weird mix of film and play – you get to see things from different angles and right up close, but the actors are also performing to a theatre audience, not the cameras.
Happy Friday, Toasts! My academic department is facing an external review, and despite the fact that this is a normal thing that happens to every department every 10 years, allll the dysfunction is coming out of the woodwork for this. I don’t want to say too much because it’s pretty easy to associate my handle with my real name, and my department is very small; suffice it to say that academic drama = gray hairs, stress dreams, and not being able to focus on my actual work. The students wrote an open letter to faculty about our questions and concerns with the department and we’re meeting with them about it later today and I am SO anxious. I hate confrontation.
You just gotta think about it as everyone giving you the opportunity to remake the department as your dream workplace. I mean, there are always gonna be backstabby horrible folks around, but barring them, most people are trying to make stuff better. Good luck. <3
Two good things to read! If you’re ever trying to explain being asexual to someone who has no idea what that is, this piece from one of the creators of Borderlands, is a good choice. Both funny and pretty 101, good stuff. Also makes me want to play Borderlands. http://www.themarysue.com/a-is-for-asexual/
I just had to fight really hard not to cry from this piece about a 95 year old man who called into a radio show to discuss how much he misses his wife, https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/inspired-life…
Toasties, I have, um, THINGS that I want to discuss, because feelings + societal normative bullshit + FEELINGS. But not in a first-level comment. In the replies.
So, um. I’m 26 years old and last night I slept with this dude on our third date and I don’t want to say that I “lost my virginity” because it’s a bullshit concept but well, I hadn’t done that before. So.
And I am having all kinds of FEELINGS and I’m quite incapable of concentrating at work today. I like this guy. I don’t know that he’s like, longterm forever partner quality, but I’m going to enjoy hanging out with him for now. And I definitely enjoy his dedication to getting me off, that was a nice thing.
I sort of feel like this should be more of A THING then it is for me, and wonder why I’m not making a bigger deal of this. And then occasionally it feels like A THING and then I feel bad for feeling like it’s A THING because hello, virginity is a super stupid concept that doesn’t actually matter. And discovering that I can just, you know, enjoy sex? That’s pretty cool. But all in all I’m just like – none of my feelings make sense to me today at all and I don’t like that part of things.
Oh and add on: he doesn’t know this was a new thing for me. I flat out lied, because I didn’t want to deal with any of the crap that would come with a “first time” thing from some dude.
TLDR; virginity is a stupid normative concept but being not one anymore at 26 years old has given me CONFUSING FEELINGS.
I absolutely understand. But listen, it’s OK to feel however you are feeling about it, y’know? It’s OK to be conflicted. It’s OK if it doesn’t feel like a big deal.
I hope it was fun 🙂
Like laurenipsum said, whatever you feel is okay. I will say, having feelings, even lots of feelings, after having sex for the first time does not make you a TRAITOR TO FEMINISM. Plus, time will usually tell you whether the feelings are a) mm that was good sex or b) I think I’m in love.
I actually wrote a diary-like thing the morning after my first successful PIV exercise (at 20), trying to document how I felt. I found it during a move 1.5 years ago, and it was both mortifying and a little endearing.
I do think you get to define things for yourself. For instance, I’d done some stuff before, but with kind of a douchenozzle. So I tend to frame my first PIV time as “losing my virginity” just because I still think fondly about the guy I did that with. But if someone else wants to take a different milestone as defining, I say go ahead! It’s such a personal thing.
Yeah I used to define mine as the first PIV experience (at 20 too! coincidence!) but now define it as the first time I “did stuff” with a girl (age 19) because I later realized I was a giant homo, so that earlier, more messy experience took on more significance for me. Yay for writing your own narratives around it.
I’m going to go ahead and say that having all the feelings at the same time is pretty normal. So many overarching constructs have something to say about sex and “virginity” that sorting out how you actually feel vs how the patriarchy/feminism/religion/society/etc expects you to feel about it is confusing! I “lost” mine at 26 and conveniently neglected to tell the dude and I felt all the same feelings, even though it was my choice and a very positive experience!
PIV at 24, didn’t tell him either. Whatever you’re feeling is valid, and I’ll second those who recommend some writing. Hope you had fun, and I’m glad he was dedicated on you getting off!
Honey, you do you. You’ve got valid feels. And however much we crush the patriarchy, we have still been subjected to a SHIT TON of messaging and it’s understandable that some of it has stuck (remember how freaked out T and I both got around wedding times and flailing around feeling like we shouldn’t be??) and that is okay. You are reacting to a new experience and you get to deal with that however you want to. Anyway. Love you and I’m glad it was fun. <3
TOTALLY GET IT.
I think for me the biggest issue was that the two friends I told reacted with “WHAT you were a VIRGIN YESTERDAY and you’re NOT TODAY?!” and then kept talking about it which made it into A Thing. I needed to think it over alone and I couldn’t, I wasn’t seeing the guy but it did lead to a major emotional kerfuffle, and although I didn’t lie I definitely avoided the question which led to Weird Guilty Feelings.
I am not a scientist but I’m going to say Confusing Feelings=some kind of hormonal hangover? Like leftover buzzyness that will settle down, but right now is messing with you. It’s kind of shit, but just ride that wave.
Have since realised I’m bi, which took the “significance” of my first PIV experience down many notches, and I’m braced for the same wave of crazy if/when I have my first Sapphic Encounter (I’ve been reading a lot of C18th fiction lately okay)
I had a very similar experience – slept with a guy I was casually seeing at 23, didn’t tell him anything, was totally fine but still had feelings. I definitely agree had the feelings of “this shouldn’t be a thing because it’s a dumb construct” but also “WHY ISN’T THIS A THING”. Let yourself feel your feelings, they’re valid.
My main feeling after first time PIV was “wow, can I do this everyday?” and then feeling like a big ole slut…brains do weird stuff. Flow with the feelings.
Thanks to all for your lovely and reassuring comments! I won’t be seeing him this weekend (other plans already made) and I am going to just allow myself to wallow in whatever FEELINGS I may have and not worry about it too much.
I feel ya on the head ache that is stuff being simultaneously a-thing and not-a-thing AND knowing that *should be* simultaneously be a-thing and not-a-thing AND those particulary sine-waves of significance being just out of phase with each other.
Weight loss and my own 30-y/o virginity being the most common sources of it for me.
Hey Toasties.
I was on here talking about mental health stuff a couple of weeks ago and you guys gave me the best advice. I had my first appointment with a therapist today and it was great, I’m on a (shortish) waiting list for CBT for severe and chronic anxiety, and what might be mild depression. So, stuff is happening and I’m so grateful to you. All the love xxxxx
I had a women’s health appointment this week and my doc was absolutely stellar. I had to get one of those nbd but still unpleasant feeling procedures, and she was so calming and thorough in her explanations of everything happening.
Which… Made me even angrier about a time in my teens when a doc hugely mishandled a women’s health crisis I had – he practically, like, accused me of covering up a pregnancy and sex life in front of my mom. I was a scared 18 y.o. virgin with severe abdominal pain :/. He was an asshole who also gave very inaccurate information about std’s and abstinence to boot, and in retrospect I’m mad I didn’t report him.
So – what are your women’s health stories? Best docs? Worst? Sheer strangeness in the stirrups?
I was super lucky. My first gyno experiences were all with the nurse practitioner at my college who specialized in gyno care, and she was FANTASTIC, probably because she gave like half of the women on campus their first pelvic exams.
My gyno is also a NP! She is wonderful! At my last visit, she proudly informed me that her nickname around the hospital is “the vagina fairy,” which suits her more than a thing has ever suited another thing.
As a teenager, a doctor accused me (at length) of being bulimic… in fact I did have disordered eating & debilitating anxiety, but he was too focused on getting me to “admit” that I was making myself vomit because I thought I was fat to hear any of that. People can be such incompetent assholes dealing with young folks.
A (female) gyno flat out lied when I asked if there was any way to stop having periods.
As in,
“- Is there some way to just… not have periods? Like with pills or something?
– NO.”
Unfortunately, I was too young and unassertive to call her on her bullshit, even though in my head, I was going “Um, pretty sure that goes against a lot of stuff I’ve read…”
Oh, I have a funny story for this one.
My first gyno was in a hospital that also had regular doctors’ offices in it.
I went there for my very first exam by myself, and I must have been about 15. I’d heard from friends that they were painful, so I was nervous about it to begin with. I was led to the exam room and was waiting there by myself for the doctor to arrive when I heard a SHRIEK like someone was in horrible pain. I mentally ran through everything that my friend had told me about her exam and that scream had sounded like the woman was in much more pain than my friend had described. Then, I heard more shrieking that gradually got louder and turned into outright screaming. I tried to imagine what could possibly be happening in that exam room and what horrible things were they going to do to me and oh no I need to get out of here, aaaaaah! I was TERRIFIED.
The gyno arrived and noticed how afraid I was. She kept trying to reassure me, but no amount of nice calm things could make me forget the screaming I’d just heard. She conducted the exam with very minimal pain and I blurted out something like “Are you SURE you finished everything?” Suddenly there was another set of shrieks, and the gyno burst out laughing.
Turns out gyno’s office actually bordered the maternity ward on one side, but it wasn’t really obvious unless you looked at the map layout of the building, so I had no idea that what I was hearing was a woman in labor. They’d also gone to a lot of trouble to make it feel like a real doctor’s office and not a hospital, so I’d forgotten that I might not be hearing noises from the office I was actually in.
I’ve been lucky to have mostly awesome gynos! My one funny note is that my grad school gyno (v. nice butch lady who had a rotating cast of awesome glasses) always made a note in my chart about the state of my … hairstyle. And not the hair on my head. I never asked why.
I’m trying to imagine why this could be. The only thing I can come up with, that doesn’t seem likely, is that she was waiting to see if it changed to something more minimalist so she could ask if a partner was pressuring you to modify it. But again. Does not seem likely. Did she comment on it?
There was the time I went in for a physical, including birth control talk. it went fine, doctor agreed an IUD was a great option for me. He left to schedule an appointment for one, and was gone a very long time. Came back looking all confused. “So…the computer wouldn’t let me put in the code for that appointment? And when I asked for help, they told me the hospital we’re affiliated with is Catholic and I’m not allowed to do IUDs.” I didn’t know whether to be mad for wasting my time (or at our country’s whole fuckin healthcare system, right?), laugh at the absurdity of the whole thing, or be glad he was unintentionally subverting the anti-BC stance because apparently NO ONE TOLD HIM.
“or at our country’s whole fuckin healthcare system, right?”
(laughs, weeps, destroys everything with a baseball bat)
I once had a very awkward conversation with a gyno, while he was doing an exam, about a mutual acquaintance. Somehow, it came up that I played roller derby and he had just hired one of my leaguemates. I think he thought chit-chat would be relaxing for me. It was not.
My old gyno was also my mom’s–mom even did some secretary/billing work for her for a few years–and was literally the person who pulled me out of my mother’s uterus, so that was a little weird. (She was professional otherwise–only brought up my mom when we were out of the exam room, and usually it was just “how is your family? tell them i say hi” etc.) She was a pretty good doctor, buuuut she had this very no-nonsense, blunt way of putting things, which was fairly amusing when it was things like “Do you have a boyfriend? No? Oh, you’re seeing someone. Well, he better take care of you. I say this because you are my daughter’s age and that is what I would say to my daughter. TELL HIM TO TREAT YOU WELL.”
However, that no-nonsense air was not really ideal in other, more delicate situations. To lay (ha) the scene: I have literally never had penetrative sex without a condom. I had just started seeing my now-live-in-boyfriend, and we slept together on the first date. I bled during the sex, even though I wasn’t on my period and it wasn’t my first time at that rodeo (actual first date conversation: “Oh my god, you’re bleeding. Are you okay….are you a virgin?” / “HAHAHAHAHA THAT SHIP HAS SAILED. I mean…no.”) So I went in for a checkup a week or so later. No-Nonsense Lady Doctor does her thing, finds what I guess was a lot of discharge, and immediately goes, “He gave you something. You definitely have something.” And I FREAK. I really liked this guy, I’m terrible with Heavy Conversations, and I don’t want to start this relationship by being like “heeyyyyy soooo I’m pretty sure you gave me the clap?”
So I start sweating and shaking and protesting, “but we used a condom i have literally used condoms my entire sexual life what are you even talking about oh my god” and almost start crying. She proceeds to bluntly tell me she’s running tests for the Big Four (Chlamydia, Syphilis, Gonorrhea, and HIV) and gives me a Z-pak.
Welp, turns out it was just a particularly nasty case of BV, probably not sexually transmitted, and I was sent into an antibiotic-yeast infection-Monistat-antibiotic-yeast infection-Monistat cycle for about 6 weeks (Boyfriend was thankfully very understanding of the new no-sex, limited-drinking aspect of our very new relationship. There’s a reason we now live together.)
I really just wish she had been a little more…compassionate with the way she handled it, because she basically assumed the worst and it really freaked me out. She’s retired now, so thankfully I don’t have to make it awkward, but yeah. It made me look for doctors who were a little warmer in their approach, and made me a little more assertive with medical professionals in general.
My first women’s health appointments were with the family doctor I saw as a child and teenager. She was great but decorated her exam room in clowns, including one mounted to the ceiling above the exam table.
I had one exam with a new practitioner a few years a ago and in the middle of the exam she asked me what I was doing about my weight. No build up, I hadn’t asked. Just ‘when was your last period? What are you doing about your weight?’ She also ordered a full blood work-up without telling me and with knowing that I had a high deductible insurance plan. My regular doctor had ordered it a year or two before and said we didn’t need to do it again for however many years unless I had a problem. I ended up paying over $1000 because that woman was convinced I couldn’t be fat and healthy.
The worst was the only man I have seen for women’s health. He inserted the speculum and a weird angle that hurt like hell and when I flinched he patted my thigh and said ‘don’t worry honey, this will only take a minute.’ That upset me more than the clowns or the big bill.
I once had the speculum pinch my labia, and I clenched. The speculum shot out and hit the wall. Kinda wish you could have had the same thing happen, except beaning him in the face.
A lot of my feelings about ob/gyn care have been shaped by an early experience: my mom more or less insisted I go on birth control for my skin, and I said okay (I’d already fought really hard against Accutane, and considering some of the black label stuff a few years later and my persistent depression, that seems good) and the doctor insisted I needed a pelvic exam and a pap smear. My mom was still in the room and had brought my on-the-ASD-spectrum then-six-year-old cousin, who cheerfully demanded “What’s a pap?!?”
I managed to get them out of the room, and then the exam started. The doctor repeatedly scolded me about not relaxing and begging her to stop (it hurt so much) and after she finished, disgustedly told me I’d never be able to have satisfactory sex with a man if I didn’t learn to loosen up.
I’ve had some other bad experiences–being told at 19 that if I wanted babies I’d better plan on them SOON, none of this “grad school” crap and an order for a transvaginal ultrasound that finally the nurse said made her feel unethical to continue such an obviously traumatizing procedure for a reflexively-required diagnostic.
I had one more or less okay experience in grad school part 1, when the sympathetic appointment scheduler listened to me babble at length and put me with a lovely, patient and reassuring nurse-practioner and also arranged for me to get a small dose of valium prior to the exam.
My last attempt, I think 2 summers ago, involved trying to find someone with excellent reviews for bedside manner, patience, etc–she may well have had those, but I never found out, because they never put me on the calendar the first time (although I had a receipt and had gotten a reminder a day and an hour before) and refused to help me set up a new one over the phone, since they only publicized the number for their main office, not the one in my neighborhood.
I probably do have untreated PCOS, I’m pretty worried about my fertility, and pretty humiliated/anxious at my level of experience for my age, but. . .yeah. My therapist is trying to find someone for me, but it’s all been pretty horrible.
That is AWFUL.
Maybe worth considering, having a friend go with you through the appointment? Yeah, has to be a good friend–I’ve done it for people for various fear and anxiety support. It can really, truly help to have an advocate there with you.
Two bads:
– One was with Planned Parenthood. Docter entered the room for my annual exam, never made eye contact while she was looking at my chart, asked if I was experiencing any problems. I mentioned heavy bleeding and cramping. She said, “well, that’s normal after you’ve just had an abortion.” I said, “I haven’t had an abortion..??…I’m here for my annual.” She asked, “aren’t you [FULL NAME OF PATIENT WHOSE CHART SHE HAD IN HAND]?” I was appalled. Last time I went there for my annuals (though I still donate to them).
– Replacment gyn was a decent enough guy until my mother was diagnosed with advanced ovarian cancer. When I came to see him for my next annual, we had the little pre-exam meeting in his office first before I got undressed. I said I now had a family history and was interested in getting a transvaginal ultrasound and having one yearly, what were his thoughts? He went into this totally condescending lecture about how he doesn’t believe in them because there are too many false positives that I’d be all upset about; what if he found a cyst, wouldn’t I be WORRYING and FRETTING when it was probably just nothing? I was getting pretty upset and said, look, I’ve done the reading and I know from my mom’s oncologist that there’s no good detecting test for ovarian cancer, the symptoms are subtle, the TV ultrasound isn’t perfect but it’s worthwhile, I really want a referral for a radiologist. He continued to smirk and sigh and all but roll his eyes at me, insisting that I was overreacting and asking for something unnecessary and useless and just a waste of my time, his time and the radiologist’s time. I got up and said, “I’m not keeping this appointment today, goodbye.” Found a new gyn.
One sheer strangeness/embarrassment, all on me:
– At the time of my annual exam, I was in the middle of a huge home renovation and in a frustrating search for a very specific, small sink. So I’m in my paper gown in the exam office, waiting for the NP and I notice that the corner handwashing sink in the room looks like something that might work for my renovation. I walk over, test the handles and faucet height, and am crawling around underneath to see if I can find a manufacturer’s name when the NP gives the quick one-knuckle rap on the door and walks in. One of those “um, hi, I was just….” moments.
My first smear was SO PAINFUL- not the speculum, I swear there were some sort of spikes on the scraper! I was dreading the next one, and then it turned out to be like “Oh, you’ve finished?”
I just had a hysteroscopy a couple of weeks ago (they send a little camera on a probe up through the cervix) which was surprisingly pleasant- there was a nice motherly nurse and a bubbly trainee health care assistant, and they were chatting with me and the consultant about horses (can’t remember how the subject came up) and I had to ask them to stop because I was laughing and the picture was joggling! And it was quite cool to see the inside of my uterus on the screen. (And they gave me a cup of tea afterwards, it was so NHS.) They found, like, one polyp, which is being taken out next month, and I’m feeling very relaxed about it.
My spouse is out of town this weekend and IF I can force myself to leave the house, I might go see a movie by myself, which I haven’t done since my single days. (And which I used to love.) I’m thinking Crimson Peak orrrrrrrrr the witch hunter movie. I know everyone loved Crimson Peak but I love Vin Diesel so what to do, what to do.
See this is an easy choice for me, because seeing a movie with even HINTS of scariness in it, and then returning to an empty house all weekend is a recipe for insomnia for me. So, yeah. Witch Hunter all the way.
HA! GOOD POINT. But I ALSO haven’t been deliciously frightened in quite some time, and have a big pony of a dog that lives with me, so maybe I can swing it.
Girrrrrrrl I think you have a double feature on your hands.
Man, if I could trust my ability to stay away through two movies, I 100% would but alas middle age encroaches.
I love going to see a movie by myself! In fact, going to do that tonight. For full irony, it’ll be The Lobster, which is apparently all about being forced to pair up.
My spouse is *also* out of town, and I am totally going to go see Crimson Peak tonight! He is not at all a fan of scary movies, so this is my chance! You should definitely go see all the movies and eat all the popcorn.
Ha! Are we married to the same person? Is your spouse going camping? My guy watched the preview with me, under duress, and said absolutely not no way. I think Crimson Peak it is! Matinee style. With all the popcorn.
my girlfriend went to see Crimson Peak without me because I dislike horror movies, not knowing that this is one I am actually willing to go see cause it looks interesting enough for me to deal with the scaryness. So now she and I will be seeing it at some point cause she liked it enough to see it twice.
Hah, perfect! My man’s away for work (if he were camping, I’d either be out with him or soloing because no way am I staying home when that’s a possibility!), but he haaaaaates horror movies, and it is only a testament to his love for me that he’s willing to watch them at all.
i am a partnerless human right now, and going to the movies alone is SO GLORIOUS. i have seen more movies in the last four months, living in this new town, than i have in years. highly recommend. see all the movies.
Mr.BHam has a job interview today (his first since law school graduation/the bar exam). Pray to SpaceWitch for us, please.
May your mister have all the SpaceWitch spells for confidence and may his interviewers have all their preconceptions removed by SpaceWitchery and replaced with clear perceptions of your mister’s obviously stellar qualities.
Help, wise Toasties. I need to figure out how to find and hire a good legal/tax person to help me. If anyone in the Seattle area has advice, or if any of you ARE tax professionals and can offer advice, please help. (Not looking for free help – trying to figure out who/how to hire.)
The situation: My ex-husband and I separated in fall of 2013, and officially got divorced in April or May of 2014 (I can’t remember the date). Because I was very tired, and trying to be cooperative and amicable, I agreed to joint filing of the 2013 taxes (which was NOT to my benefit financially, but meant we wouldn’t have to have an argument about who got to take the deductions for the mortgage). I prepared the taxes using TurboTax. I had a very vague idea that the ex had made a withdrawl from a retirement account, but I didn’t know the exact amount, the money never hit a joint account, and he said he’s already taken care of the taxes.
Fast forward to this spring. I receive a letter from the IRS saying the 2013 taxes were underpaid because his (shockingly large) retirement account deduction should have been counted as income. That income also changed the allowable amount of other deductions (specifically student loan interest). There’s also interest and a “substantial underpayment penalty.”
The only smart thing I did when filing was pay for audit protection, so I engage those people. They assign separate tax professionals to the ex and I. My guy files a response asking that the penalties be waived and arguing that I’m not liable (but we don’t yet file for Innocent Spouse Relief because my audit guy doesn’t think I qualify). I finally got the response to my response from the IRS, and they’ve reduced the amount owed by a whopping $25, so there’s still $5,549 outstanding, which of course they want in a month.
The more I read the Innocent Spouse Relief stuff, the more I think I didn’t have what the IRS would consider “Actual Knowledge” of Ex’s income, nor did I receive any benefit from it.
Anyway, I am SUPER FREAKED OUT, Ex totally isn’t responding to my emails, and I want to hire someone to help me successfully file with the IRS to get the liability assigned to the Ex. Do I need a tax person, or a lawyer? Does anyone know one?
Fuck. What a mess. I like my tax folks, Greenwood Ohlund, http://www.greenwoodcpa.com/
They might be able to tell you if they can help you or if you need someone else. I also have a lawyer recommendation if it comes to that, though he’s not a tax specialist.
Is that what you personally owe, not what you both owe?
That is the total owed. As far as the IRS is concerned, it is jointly owed. But Ex does not have a history of being good with/remotely responsible about money, so I want to proactively cover my ass on this so I don’t get saddled with the whole bill. (I don’t think I should be saddled with any of it, but I will settle for damage control).
I work at a law firm with a family law practice (in Seattle, I should say), and know people who work at other family law firms – if it seems like it’s lawyer time, hit me up on Facebook (I’m in the Seattle Toast group; laurenipsum knows my meatspace name).
Thanks! I’ll will post there when I’m not at work.
How did I not notice there’s a Seattle Toast group? Investigating
Dating thread?
I’m going on a date tomorrow with someone from OKC, a date which had been delayed because of sickness and travelling. It’s probably the first date from OKC I’ve properly looked forward to, which is great, but means my jerkbrain’s been overthinking all the things. Hopefully it’ll go well, in any case.
How’s the dating world going for other Toasties?
I went on an OKC date last night–first/only date this year (which is fine with me). And he’s cute, and smart, and nice…and I don’t think we’re going to meet up again. I kind of wish I’d made out with him last night while I had the chance!
Why no 2nd date?
I don’t think either of us are feeling the desire to get to know each other more deeply. I would totally make out with him, but we are not kindred spirits.
Alas. Kissing is so nice.
I’ve been on 4 dates with a very lovely gent, but I”m out of town for 3 weeks for work. We already have a date planned for when I return, but I have been trying to engage him while I’m away. I can’t tell if he’s just a shitty texter or if he’s losing interest. Wom wom. Also I’m bored in my evening hours so I may download Tinder again….
I had a pretty awesome third date yesterday (see my FEELINGS thread elsewhere) in which I brought this dude to my friend’s book re-release party (paperback, yay!) and we had a nice time!
Older Dude ended things because of the age difference, which I think is bullshit, but what can I do. However, I didn’t cry about it (I cry about…a lot of things), which is good and maybe telling and also means I’m one step closer to BIG HAIR NO HEART.
So I immediately got back on OKC and started chatting with people, so we’ll see how it goes!
UGH that is bullshit. I mean it’s entirely on him, but it still sucks. I’m closer in age to him than you, and I can see why it might freak him out. I frequently have moments of HOLY SHIT WHEN DID I GET OLD I DON’T FEEL OLD. And I spend a lot of time with people a decade younger and even tiny things can set that feeling off. But you know what? I get the frig over it. So. Glad you shed no tears.
It’s shenanigans! But there’s nothing I can do to change his mind about it, so. It also seems to me based on our conversations that he enters relationships thinking “What happens when this ends?” which is depressing as all get out. I mean, I am an anxious person and think of the worst outcome in pretty much every situation EXCEPT relationships. If I assumed we were always going to break up, why the fuck would I bother in the first place?
See, I want that attitude, but for, like boxes of cookies. “If I eat the cookies, then they’ll be gone, so I’d better not have any cookies at all.”
Aaaaaand now I want cookies.
I’m pretty sure Shed No Tears Over Old Men is the toast’s motto. Onward and upward!
I’m… going on a date thing tomorrow? Like, what?
It’s with a person I’ve known on and off for a while now, through local social work circles and personal circles. It’s vaguely complicated because St. Louis is a big small town, with all the attendant 1-2 degrees of separation from everyone stuff.
We’ve hung out at a couple of happy hours over the last monthish, and she totally flirted with me both times but my jerkbrain did a combo thing of not processing it AND thinking that she was like, totally joking. Because duh. So this last time she was like, “I am flirting, but if you’re not into it, no worries, I’ll back off!” which was awesome as hell, but then I’m immediately all “crap, crap, I fail!”
Anyway, I finally got it together enough to say that the next weekend she was free we should totally do stuff, so now we are. And I’m mildly baffled but excited.
I have an OKC first/coffee date with a charming lady this evening. It’s pretty low pressure – we have some stuff in common, but there wasn’t the level of chemistry in our messages to get me too excited. Maybe it’ll be awesome! Maybe it won’t!
And I’ve been messaging back and forth with a handsome, super-nerdy gent about video games and cosplay, so hopefully that’ll lead to something.
My October goal is to Kiss A Person. I hope it happens.
That is an admirable goal.
I hope you have a good date!
sending such vibes towards kissing! i have not Kissed a Person in what feels (or, ahem, is) years so i understand the goals!
I have a dating-related question for fellow Toasties: I’ve been doing a fair amount of online dating lately, and before each date I get SO ANXIOUS and it carries over into the date (sexy) (this also happens before job interviews, so it’s linked to meeting a stranger for the first time). Does this happen to anyone else? If so, does anything help/alleviate the anxiety?
This is obviously not the answer for everyone, but a drink while I’m getting ready has helped calm me down before a date. That was before I became someone who can’t handle more than 2 drinks on a weeknight, but for a time it was a good solution.
Hi everyone, I’ve lurked since the beginning of the Toast, and I’ve just recently summoned the courage to introduce myself. I don’t really have anything to add except to say that I love all of y’all! I’m a scientist trying to figure out life after the PhD, and this place, with all the great posts and comment threads, gets me through the day on the regular. THANK YOU!
Hi, you seem great, hello!
Hello! *waves*
I’ve been where you are (post PhD, having no clue what to do next). It all seems to work out in the end 😀
HI!
*post-phd high five*
I knew I was in good company!
Hi fellow lurker-recent unlurker! /waves
Toasties please let me vent at you about my life in college:
So I get to keep my scholarship for next semester, isn’t that just dandy?
ALSO I GET TO HOST A HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR! Im going to show her around and take her to rehearsal of our play and it’s going to be amazing and awesome.
the best bit is I survived midterms and now ALL MY FRIENDS ARE TOASTIES and all love bake off as much as me.
how does one ensure that all friends are toasties; this is my goal
I just showed them this: http://the-toast.net/2015/06/11/things-women-in-l…
I did not pack a lunch today and every time I refresh this page I am forced to stare longingly at that burrito again. It is hurting my soul.
Yesterday I scraped a parked car (am about to call their insurance company so my rates are gonna go up) and smashed the microwave tray while trying to clean the microwave oven. My belief in my own basic competence has rarely been so low.
In the plus side, my SIL is into Hamilton and I feel so much better having gotten the reactions of friends and Toasties to the Creepy Dude who Hit On My Baby.
At first I read that as “My SIL is in Hamilton” and I was all excited for your super talented sister in law and your super lucky brother to be married to such a talented person!
Toasts! I’m going to my first opera of the season tomorrow night — I’m seeing the Met’s production of Tannhäuser. And probably power-napping beforehand, because being an audience member for four and a half hours of Wagner requires stamina (although that’s very little stamina compared to what’s required of the singers).
In other news, last weekend I did my annual sheep and wool festival trip with various friends, and it was a glorious fall Saturday with lots of fleecy animals and barns full of yarn. Sheep! Goats! Llamas! Border collies! And the weather cooperated by making it cold enough for everyone to be decked out in handknit sweaters.
I love opera and I love going to the Met!! Have so much fun!
Were you at the Rhinebeck festival??! So was I!!! It was such perfect weather!!
I was! Rhinebeck is the best. I’m so glad I live close enough to go there every year.
Yay! That’s awesome! As I was walking around I was actually thinking that I should have organized some sort of meetup thingy because I knew that sheeps and wools are right up the Toast’s alley. We could have had a picture with the spotted lama!
The spotted llama was the BEST. I took several pictures of him/her.
Yes, 4.5 hours of Wagner is taxing for everyone. Moreso for vocal performers than for audience. But please have a thought for the brass players. Unless they worked out some staggered scheduling, it’s deeply painful.
Is Peter Mattei singing that night? He’s my favorite baritone– such a gorgeous voice. (I’m not a huge Wagner fan, but I might see the HD broadcast since he’s supposed to be in it).
Opera season is my favorite time of the year! (dances)
He is! Two of my friends have raved about him in this production already.
Excellent! Hope you have a great time.
I highly recommend his recording of songs by Wilhelm Stenhammar:
http://www.amazon.com/Stenhammar-Songs-Opp-16-20/…
Remember how I was having work problems and hated everything and was desperately looking for a way out?
GUESS WHAT NOT ANYMORE EVERYTHING IS GREAT AND WONDERFUL
My awful toxic department is being dissolved! I’m being transferred/maybe promoted to another department, the one I ACTUALLY wanted to work in all along, doing the work I ACTUALLY wanted to do! I don’t have to play peacekeeper between my coworkers anymore, I don’t have to be the band-aid for problems I have no power to solve, I get to interact with people who don’t spend all their time complaining, I get to do meaningful work I can actually feel good about, EVERYTHING’S COMING UP POOPJOKES!
WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!
Bonus: this is all taking place between my making an appointment to see a therapist and that appointment actually happening, which seriously narrows down the material we’ll need to cover.
So…I would love some input on a non-emergency life problem.
Thing 1: My SO and I have recently decided to get married (previously mentioned here, and not itself a problem) and have been telling friends and family over the last couple weeks. We had planned to have a family-only civil ceremony soon and then have a larger party later, maybe in the spring.
Thing 2: Oops, I’m apparently pregnant. We haven’t told anyone.
So now I have a lot of moving pieces to wrangle. I had hoped we could do the civil ceremony in December, both for tax health insurance reasons, but his parents won’t be able to come because December is busy for them and they are out of state. January is not ideal because Chicago winter and beyond that we are definitely in the territory of visible pregnancy.
I am trying to be modern and evolved and not care about what people think, but I am still afraid of the potential gossip of our less evolved family members after appearing gigantically pregnant at my own wedding. My own mother, in fact, seems to be less and less able to suppress nasty, inappropriate comments these days. I just don’t even want to deal with it; I’m under enough stress already.
While on some level I feel like we owe it to our parents to have the ceremony in their presence, I also want to lock down the legal end of things as soon as possible and avoid unnecessary emotional violence.
Thoughts?
I’m pretty sure I’d just pop down to the courthouse and get it done, then tell your parents about your pregnancy (congrats!), and then you can have a special ceremony in the afternoon before your party if you want, which your parents can attend, to bless your union, etc.
I am 100% about popping down to the courthouse to do the legal bits whenever you want; and then proceeding from there however you wish. I’m sure that it might have bothered some traditionalists that my spouse and I were already married on paper when we had our actual ceremony some months later, but I could not care less what the traditionalists might think. Plus, it made the actual wedding day much more enjoyable for me because even if everything went totally off the rails, which felt possible at several moments, we were already married and no mishap could stand in the way.
Maybe we can do that. Thanks!
Yes this is exactly what I did. We got married at the county clerk (in our state of residence, where our marriage was legal at the time) about a month before the actual wedding, then had a ceremony and reception in the city where all of our relatives live, where our marriage was not legal at the time. It was awesome. My mother did once ask when my anniversary was (as a passive-aggressive way of asking when we did the legal part), and I told her she knew about it, she was there.
I say get married in December like you wanted to anyway. Would his parents rather (a) miss the December wedding, or (b) attend a beautiful June wedding that’s more convenient for them where the bride goes into labor?
I mean, it’s not as extreme as that. His family is not doing this to be jerks; his father is a minister, so it is impossible for them to travel over the weekends leading up to Christmas, and his sister is in graduate school, so she can’t travel until later in the month once her finals are over. Maybe we will just do it in December without anyone else there.
Orrrrr have a really lovely Thursday afternoon ceremony at the courthouse, with everyone who was invited and can make it taking a wee bit of a long weekend to go out for dinner and have brunch together the next day. And maybe share the pregnancy with them, as incentive/reasoning behind the speedy nuptials? And also, congratulations on the pregnancy!
If your SO’s parents aren’t able in December because they’re busy… they might change their minds if they know you’re pregnant? Not that I’m advocating using your bebe as leverage, but I feel like your concerns are extremely reasonable!
In the end, I’d do whatever makes you feel the most calm and relaxed. If you wanna get married in December, then tell them that you’d really like them to be there. In the end, it’s you and your SO’s wedding. It’s your commitment to each other. You two matter the most.
And congratulations on all of it 🙂
Congratulations on all fronts!! So: from someone who does almost nothing out of obligation, I would gently suggest considering how much you owe someone who is less and less able to suppress nasty, inappropriate comments? (I was 4 months pregnant at my wedding, for what it’s worth: thick in the waist, but not obviously pregnant.) I’m certain my relatives gossiped about me – but when do they not? In the end, it doesn’t affect my livelihood or my happiness or my relationship. If you live in circumstances where that’s not true, then it’s a different story, and I’m truly sorry if that’s so.
But look, pregnancy is HARD. Even if you’re one of those miraculous creatures who doesn’t get morning sickness, it was the most physically taxing experience of my life. You need every resource, physical and emotional. Do what is good for you and your partner and your future human. Imagine what that would be – what would make you feel calm and peaceful, and would best celebrate your life with your partner? And then do that! Jerks will always, always find something to be jerks about, and trying to make them happy will only cause you undo stress and sorrow in what should be a very happy time. I’m sorry if this is too prescriptive or forceful but I feel so strongly about mean gossipers ruining happy occasions!
Thanks for the encouragement. Everything is suddenly so complicated, it would be nice to just do what I want and decide to be happy about it.
Yep, seconding this. My personal experience with pregnancy is that it’s not a great time to take on a huge project like planning a wedding. It was a time to take on huge projects like “putting my socks all the way on” and “remembering to pencil both eyebrows in.”
I literally put liquid dish soap in the work dishwasher today. And set a pan on fire last week. Your comment made me feel slightly better about both these things! Pregnancy is haaaaaaaard.
I just got around to reading this comment…and I thought you would enjoy hearing that I tried to put the coffee carafe away into the refrigerator this morning.
I went to a massive posh wedding last month where they had done the legal stuff the week before with nobody but witnesses and then done a massive frock/vows/suits/horses ceremony in an old ruined castle near their house. Was lovely and nobody batted an eyelid.
And yes, congratulations!
If tracking the Tumblr tags of my favorite footballers is any indication, this seems to be very much the norm in Germany! They all have like, their signing-paperwork wedding, and then some big fluffy thing in a castle or whatever.
For some reason I can barely remember, I researched getting married in Germany & you can only really do the legal stuff in certain set locations! I think. I could be wrong. But I really liked it, as a idea.
as a person who eloped for none of the reason i read about here [difficult family, bad timing, hating weddings] i always say: elope! we followed up with a party months later, but it was nice to just get it done without having to plan or think about a bigger event.
Toasties, I’m planning a proposal! My current plan is to go to a fancy restaurant and then suggest a walk (he’s expecting a proposal so I think he’ll probably think this is it) but then it’s a FAKE OUT but then we go home and while we were out, friends decorated the place and set up a little cute picnic on our balcony (we love our balcony and it has a great view) and then I propose there. I’ll for sure be crying. It’s going to be great.
But then I was wondering if a fake out is mean spirited? The point is that I want him to not be expecting it. But is that cruel to tease?
I don’t think it’s mean-spirited. My fiance did the friends-set-up-a-surprise-party-while-we’re-out-for-lunch thing, and it was great. He proposed first thing in the morning and then we went out ostensibly to celebrate by getting spa treatments, but actually so that people could assemble at our apartment and decorate it. Anyway, I am a Type A control freak who usually isn’t much for surprises, but I really loved it and appreciated the amount of thought and effort he put into planning it.
The only thing I would make sure of beforehand is whether he’d be comfortable with a public proposal or not? I would not in a million years have wanted to be proposed to in front of anyone, even close friends, and my dude knew this, so the actual proposal was in private and the party was just a fun additional surprise. How do you anticipate him reacting?
ETA: Also PREEMPTIVE CONGRATULATIONS, this is so cute.
Oh the friends will leave once they finish decorating! Like me, he is not into the public proposal at all
and thanks!
Oh okay, I get it now! I think it’s fine since you ARE actually proposing–it would be mean to make him think you’re going to propose and then not do it at all.
I mean, if you think it’s something he’d be cool with, that sounds ADORABLE.
It’s a little bit mean, but since the actual proposal will take place shortly after, it’s not too mean!
eeeee!
If you planned this for him & it feels fun and good, it’s not mean spirited at all! Because you know what he’d like!
I read this like a million times before proposing to my dude, seriously, how does society just expect men to HANDLE ALL THAT EXCITEMENT AND FREAKING OUT.
I know it’s a shot in the dark, but are there any Toasties in or around Columbia, SC? I’m here for 3 weeks for work, and I’d do nearly anything to have social contact beyond my (very nice!) old-dude teammates.
Hello! Update from two weeks ago:
a) my coworker who does animal resuce (she seriously just arranged rescue for six baby rats, and not pet rats, PEST rats) finally found someone to talk to about my stupid cat – no actual rescuing yet, but at least there is one person in the world who thinks maybe something can be salvaged of his sorry free-pooping self.
b) I had a nice time at my conference, and the inspiring works presented by others did manage to at least inspire me a tiny bit, so there is perhaps hope of some kind. Also I was assured that there are many firms in town with no yelling whatsoever. Also enjoyed the late-night drunken plans of Oh we’ll just start our own firm! which we probably won’t, because none of my friends can network enough to get any clients, but whatever, it’s fun to dream.
c) my doctor is testing me for thyroid issues, RA, and something else that I forget so maybe I can be cheered up somewhat without even getting a new job (but seriously I know I need to look for one)
d) I have started making tiny sketches in the corners of post-it notes for a new portfolio (prerequisite to getting interviews anywhere else) which isn’t much but at least it’s a start and maybe MAYBE I can maintain some momentum on this throughout the busy holiday season
and now i’m going home to prepare for a toddler invasion. thank you all for being so toasty.
I showed up yesterday for my two week post-abortion check-up, only to be told that they didn’t have my appointment (the one I confirmed online) on the books. Beautiful. I couldn’t stand there, surrounded by newborns and pictures of newborns and pregnant ladies, while the receptionist tried to see if a midwife could wedge me into the schedule. I just made a new appointment and walked out. Five minutes later, they found my appointment and called me to come back. I had my phone on silent and just went home to lie in bed for an hour crying a bit more.
My husband’s company is floating the possibility of relocation next spring. Connecticut or Boston. I don’t care. I just need to move. Twenty years in Chicago and I need to move. Suddenly, I have to get out of here as soon as possible.
Oh honey. You deserve so much better. I’m so sorry. Toasthugs.
That is really really terrible. I’m so sorry they didn’t have their act together.
That is just so awful- I’m so sorry. I’ve had trying disorganized Chicago midwife experiences under a really terrible situation – and it just is the worst. Salt in every wound. Currently drafting a letter to the head of my practice that I may or may not send but it slightly relieves my feelings. 20 years in Chicago is a pretty good run- I hope you can get what you need in the next few months. Been thinking about you so often.
I’m so sorry that happened. Ninja hugs for you, if you want them.
<3
You guys have me so worked up that this is my fourth comment!!! Okay, so my main beef with this movie was that Edith was just like, “Wasn’t that weird how my dad just got totally mysteriously murdered for no reason? Welp, can’t stick around, gotta move to England!”* *I may have missed something, since I saw this at the drive-in and had to pee around this point and the bathroom was really far away, but I’m PRETTY sure this is a legit complaint.
……………. the fuck did the redesign do to comments??????
the comment I actually posted here, initially, was something along the lines of “On behalf of the entire Boston Metro area, I’d like to tell you that we’d love to have you”
and, just in case this goes haywire, this is cosetthetable trying to reply to Runbug Jones.
Boston has long been on my list of Places I Should Live. I have my fingers crossed.
one!
Important information about LMM
Sittting on porch steps, answering an interview question about his experiences with ill-mannered people on his subway commute:
“I’m very do-unto-others on the subway. I take up my space and no more.”
<DEMONSTRATES BY PUTTING HIS LEGS TOGETHER>
Ka-boom.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?list=PLb1ayNIj3f8pDTH… at 9:35
And! This recent Twittering:
@Lin_Manuel
Dr is here. Bye.
@TimMixLatham
@Lin_Manuel Read that as “Dr Dre is here”……
@Lin_Manuel
Dr. Dre IS our family practitioner. His Stethoscope says HeartBeats By Dre.
@hamiltonssquad
Lin is officially dad…a dad joke if I ever heard one.
https://twitter.com/hamiltonssquad/status/6572709…
two!
“if a puppy and a cat took a selfie together, this is what it would look like.” https://mobile.twitter.com/hamiltonssquad/status/…
You know when you’ve got to the end of Act II again and you’re in that broken-open place where you don’t know if you’re empty or full and nothing sounds quite right next but you don’t want it to be all over? You can go listen to LMM telling his story on the podcast How to Be Amazing, just before Hamilton opened at the Public. It is a thing of truth and joy. http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/how-to-be-amazing…
More joy:
“Ham4Ham 10/10/15 1st Singalong Contest”
Fans rap Lafayette’s part in Guns and Ships at the lottery show to win copies of the soundtrack, with crowd participation. (And, um, Daveed Diggs standing right there… go fans!) https://m.youtube.com/watch?list=PLb1ayNIj3f8qM01…
Or you can overdose on adorableness:
“The Next Generation of #Ham4Ham” https://m.youtube.com/watch?list=PLb1ayNIj3f8qM01…
Iain performs What’d I Miss https://m.youtube.com/watch?list=PLb1ayNIj3f8qM01…
And Ian’s rewrite of the end of Hamilton, performed by LMM and Leslie Odom, Jr.!
three!
Hamilton + Text Posts
more here: http://whatagrump.tumblr.com/post/131202620151/ha…
“Find someone who looks at you the way @Lin_Manuel looks at @DaveedDiggs” <a href=”https://mobile.twitter.com/hamiltonssquad/status/654763452284538880″ target=”_blank”>https://mobile.twitter.com/hamiltonssquad/status/654763452284538880
four!
Relevant to the Toast’s interests:
Freestyle Love Supreme, including LMM and Christopher Jackson, at a live show in 2013 hitting on Neil Patrick Harris, back to school, and Hogwarts. <a href=”https://youtu.be/q7Ujq-IdXm4″ target=”_blank”>https://youtu.be/q7Ujq-IdXm4
Bless you. You are doing god’s work.
AHH I almost didn’t read the open thread because I wasn’t feeling well on Friday, and it’s a lot to catch up on. I’m so glad I did now!
Why is procrastination so tempting? I have a 3-page paper due Monday. My birthday is also Monday, so I’m aiming to get it done by Friday so I could take the weekend off guilt-free. How much have I written? None. It’s 3 pages, why is this so hard to do? Stupid motivation.
But my mom and I are definitely taking my nephew to a marching band competition on Saturday, so I’m super looking forward to that. And hopefully my motivation will make an appearance later today.
Yeah, procrastination sucks. 🙁 All the procrastination researchers say it’s about short term mood repair but even while I’m procrastinating I feel awful about it.
Yeah, the longer my procrastination goes on, the worse I feel about it. But it typically takes an awfully long time of feeling bad to get me to stop doing it, so…
Deadlines are my friends. And I suppose I should just open up Word already.
Pet peeve: the full-time-remote VP of my organization who always insists on being the moderator for conference calls even though she is NEVER ON TIME for them. Which means the rest of us sit in muzak conference line waiting hell until she gets there to get us started.
On the flip side, you’re avoiding the “awkward small talk among colleagues” waiting hell. Or, my favorite, the moderator asking “who just joined?” after every single freaking ding to indicate someone calling in, and then people all trying to answer at once. Just call roll when it’s time to start! AAAUGH.
Omg. our software has the option of turning off the dings and NO ONE USES IT 🙁
Dear toasts, I am sore afeared that manspouse and I will never find a 2-bedroom flat that accepts cats. Does anyone have any magical apartment-hunting-with-a-pet tips?
Good luck! I haven’t encountered too many leases that explicitly forbid cats, so I don’t really know why that would happen! But I have had several occasions to negotiate a pet deposit down (charge me for 1 instead of 2 cats) or do away with it completely in exchange for some flexibility on other matters, such as move-in date or length of lease. You are the best judge of what is worth your time, but if you think you will love an apartment that happens to forbid cats, it might be worth viewing it and seeing if the lessor will negotiate on pets.
Don’t look for places that allow pets, look for places that don’t expressly forbid them. All of my apartments (and this is in the bay area, which is a renting nightmare) didn’t say they allowed pets but were ok with one adult cat when I explained and offered a pet deposit (no one made me actually put down an extra deposit).
offer a extra pet deposit on top of security deposit. there are lots of places in LA that take cats but not dogs, but then you hear that they negotiate if you offer a $400 deposit specifically for pet damage.
Ugh, so late to this week’s Open Thread! BUT – let’s talk tattoos!
A couple of months ago I talked about getting some meaningful mountains. I finally got them, and I’m so happy that I want to share!
OH I forgot the most important part – this was done by the amazing Jennifer Lawes at Pearl Harbour in Toronto. She is amazing and you should click that link to check out her work!
THAT IS GORGEOUS! I AM IN TORONTO! INSPIRED!!!!
Aaaah! I just got a tattoo at Pearl Harbor in September! It was a walk-in with Lissa, but I saw Jennifer doing a beautiful huge flower piece on a woman’s arm.
I’m gonna be back in Toronto in a couple weeks and should NOT go get another tattoo.
You SHOULD get another tattoo and you should get it from Jennifer.
Beautiful!!
Beautiful!!
Ooh, that’s gorgeous! I’ve been thinking for a long time about getting a tattoo that has something to do with the southwest, but what I really want to capture is just the vast open spaces out there, and I’m not sure even a back piece would be big enough for that? Not that it even necessarily has to be big, as long as it’s evocative, but I don’t know how that would work (what I do know: I don’t want a cow skull. Stop showing me cow skulls when I search for southwest tattoos, google).
This is only about 3.5″ wide! I would suggest looking around your area for an artist that you really like – that’s what I did. Once you’ve found someone, strike up a dialogue about what you’re looking for, tell them you’ve got a specific vision, and they should be more than happy to work with you on something wonderful. If you can, call the shop and see if you can get an in-person consultation.
I have faith that a good tattoo artist can capture anything 🙂
gorg!!!
So very pretty!
Just here to say that Joanna Newsom’s new album is marvelous and I looooove iiiitttt
WHATthe new album’s out!?
This is the visual representation of my teaching day so far. Feel free to post images that represent your respective days!
My week:
So my day today:
this close to the weekend,
I got asked to make the ‘fondant pigs in mud’ cake that is doing the rounds everywhere lately for my friend-who-has-the-pigs’ birthday, and I thought it’d be funnier to make the mud all proper and muddy and do her actual yard instead.
And that looks like much tastier frosting (buttercream?) than fondant normally is. A+ show stopper.
It’s Betty Crocker!! Can’t beat her chocolate fudge frosting.
Why mess with perfection.
A+ use of giant cow-sized cat
You should see the massive cock on the other side of the cake…
Sadly the cat is the wrong colour for Tiddles, her actual cat.
I know what I’m making for my mother’s birthday now. Thank you.
I went to my doctor this week and told her, “I get the winter sads every winter and they get worse every winter. And I think this past winter, they didn’t go away and now it’s fall and I’m dreading winter and I can’t sleep and everything is horrible.” And she’s like, “Let’s get you sleeping pills!” So — I don’t know. I had a screaming fight with a sidewalk cyclist the other week and I’m normally pretty zen about stuff. That being said, a full night’s sleep sounds kind of great. She also talked about sleep hygiene. I’m a lifelong insomniac. There’s no tea that helps.
Anyway, just needed to vent. My friends kind of freeze up when I talk about it and I hate making my husband feel sad/worried/scared.
I think maybe you should try a new doctor. Ideally someone who listens to your symptoms and takes them seriously.
Ugh. I’ve had three doctors since I’ve moved to this city 7 years ago. The first one was terrible. She’d take calls from her kids mid-appointment and then she ran away from her clinic in the middle of the night and never came back. The next one had no bedside manner to speak of and was always very, very concerned that I don’t want kids. He had a photo in his office of his 4 children. And his exam rooms were very dirty! So then I found this one that I’m at and she was awesome! I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. I have a follow-up in 2 weeks. Fingers crossed we make some progress. In Canada, it’s so hard to find a family doctor who’s accepting new patients.
If you’re in Toronto, I think my family doctor (with whom I’ve had good relationship) is accepting new patients?
A full night’s sleep does sound great, but your doctor does not sound great, and I am tired of people with insomnia being told “hey, have you tried [remedy that has been all over the internet basically since there was an internet]?” Like you don’t know how to google or are too stupid to put a teabag into a mug or something.
My husband is a doctor and I am insomniac. I gave him the most hormonally nuts, sleep deprived lecture a few days ago on why doctors telling you about sleep hygiene when you have been waking up in the middle of the night for YEARS AT A TIME is incredibly rage inducing. What, reduce caffeine you say? My goodness! You think I shouldn’t be napping? Never tried that! Oh, a relaxing bath, that will certainly help me four hours after I drifted off to sleep and suddenly wake up at 3:00 am!
So when I found out that bi-phase sleep is a thing, it was a lightbulb moment for me. It allowed me to reframe waking up in the middle of the night from totally negative and stressful into just something that happened sometimes…and that reframing allowed me to take that heavy pressure to fall BACK asleep off my plate. I don’t know if that’s useful to you, but I thought I’d at least share.
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/health-and-fi…
Grrrr seriously. I have had trouble falling asleep and falling *back* asleep ever since I was a little kid. I’ve tried everything. Tea, exercise, deep breathing, meditation, hot and cold showers, baths, putting down my devices, not putting down my devices, reading, not reading, orgasms, yoga, lavender oil, snacks, no snacks….. Just. Maybe if I’ve been like this since I was 7 it’s not something tea is going to help, maybe.
Do you use that light box thingy therapy? I have friends who swear it helps
Unsolicited advice is probably the last thing you want, but I’ve been trying to lightbox thingie this year, and so far it seems like it might work for me. It’s too early to tell, really (it’s only been two days since DST ended and that’s usually the time when it starts hitting me hard), but I seem to have slightly more energy and to be less cranky, and I haven’t really had any intrusive self-hating thoughts yet, which is kind of a miracle.
I’d planned to get one last winter already, but you probably know how it goes with winter and executing plans. Still, might be worth looking into.
That sounds like SAD, not insomnia. I would seriously consider a good light box as others said — they make really nice reading lights too. Or else talk to your doctor again suggesting this may be seasonal. But the lightbox thing — it makes such a difference! I have a regular one in my living room that cheers me up on winter evenings, and an alarm clock one that slowly gets brighter and brighter when it’s time for me to wake up, that has truly cured my sleep grogginess in the morning.
Jobhunt update. One place offered me a two-month internship with the option of a permanent position starting January. They seem to be a really nice, still kind of small company but expanding, so I accepted! Getting my foot in the door to Serious Adult Life! Friends and family have been super nice. Almost Hallowe’en then Christmas, which means home time. I’ve got some B&J’s (pumpkin pie spice!) left in the freezer. Life is good.
Good luck to all other job hunting Toasts! You’ll get there!
This week a very close family friend died suddenly. He was my little brother’s best friend. Today the world almost makes sense again, although it still feels impossible that this really happened. I am so so sad.
My brain occasionally allows me a few thoughts other than complete disbelief and sorrow, which I will outline below:
1. It was a car accident for no apparent reason. This is not helping my existing anxiety about driving so right now I’m thinking I might never get my license.
2. Two days ago was the first time I was ready to leave my couch and see friends, and no one was available, and it was horrible not to have anyone there. I need to meet some new people to reduce the chances of that happening again. In retrospect, there are a few people I probably could have called, but we’re not that close so I didn’t think of them at the time.
3. He really loved food and cooking. Maybe I can honor that and work on #2 at the same time. Does anyone in Pittsburgh want to start a cooking/cookbook club? http://www.seriouseats.com/2015/10/how-to-start-a…
Long time no see, but I’m really sorry to hear about your brother’s friend. 🙁 I’m not much of a cook so I don’t know if I’d be any good at a cookbook club, though it does sound fun! If you drum up enough interest to get it off the ground, let me know.
Also, if you need a chance to get out of the house next Sunday, my boyfriend and I are having a housewarming/Halloween party that you would be welcome at. No pressure at all–text me for the details if you’re interested, or let me know if you need my contact details again!
Thank you.
I’m going across the state to see my family next weekend, thank goodness (I wasn’t planning to go to a party, but this happened and I realized it’s stupid not to see people I love as often as possible). I would like to see you another time though, and housewarming is exciting! What’s your costume this year? I need inspiration since I’m going to a costume party all of a sudden.
Oh, I’m glad you have an opportunity to see family next weekend! I hope that is wonderful.
My costume this year–man, I have to finalize it. I was going to use facepaint to recreate the mask in this image, but I tried that out last week and it didn’t quite look right so I might have to make the mask instead, or be something completely different. Which is to say that I’m not sure I’m the person to come to for inspiration. @_@
The link just goes to the open thread! I was considering making some kind of hat/mask/head thing from paper mache so you might have inspired me anyway. Maybe I’ll make a giant cat head…
Makes a second attempt? http://toushindai.tumblr.com/post/131369447345/bl…
Ooh, that sounds like fun too!
That one worked! Looks creepy. It would be annoying to eat or talk with this one on, but it looks pretty similar: http://www.partycity.com/product/white+basic+mask….
I found a purple robe and a black wig that I like, so I think I’m going to be some kind of glam wizard. It’s possible that I accidentally stumbled on space witch.
Toasts, I am having one helluva DAY and it’s not even over yet! So I am making myself a giant gin and tonic tonight and will enjoy reading through the OT and possibly catching up on Sleepy Hollow. It is officially fall weather in our nation’s capital and I intend on enjoying it this weekend. HAPPY FALL Y’ALL!
It’s the 40th anniversary of the women’s strike in Iceland!!! http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-34602822
Thank you! That’s a wonderful bit of history I did not know about.
Toasties! I wanted to pop in here earlier, but, work. I have been reading The Toast (and comments!) since day 1, but this is my first time commenting! I hate to make my way into the comments asking for advice but…advice!
My very long term boyfriend (together 5+ years, lived together for most of it) and I just broke up one week ago. I had one major meltdown, but I am eerily…ok. I’m not sure if it’s because I was ready for it, or I’m unconsciously in denial, or I’m busy and getting good support from parents/friends, or all of the above, but it’s nice and simultaneously disconcerting.
SO, my questions for you all are:
-Have you ever gone through a major breakup and felt pretty much ok? It’s going to hit me hard again, right?
-I have lots of alone time coming up, and I’m trying to plan it to be filled with lots of things that make me feel great. What are your go-to alonetime activities? (totally open to tons of suggests to eat chocolate, btw)
That is really really hard and I’m sorry. But when I’ve had bad breakups that I was ready for (in whatever way), for me the healing process was much faster? I broke up with one boyfriend because I knew at the heart of it we weren’t compatible, and that I didn’t like him all that much, but he really loved me. When I did it I was sad and upset for a couple of weeks–it was hard–but then I felt GREAT. It’s a cliche, but I really did feel freer than I had before. I had a very strong sense of “I can do WHATEVER I want now! I’m alone!” that I didn’t have after breakups where I wasn’t prepared.
It will probably hit you again. You will be sad at times. If you spent holiday time together, that will probably be hard for you as well. It’s totally possible that at some point you’ll hear something or see something that will make you ugly cry out of the blue, and that is OK. It happens! But then….you may not get hit too badly and that’s OK too. If you look back and think “You know, that was great, but I’ve moved on,” that’s good for you as well.
My favourite alone time activities tend to be doing stuff it’s hard to do with someone else–so I go on day trips to places and poke around museums, I go shopping and spend weird amounts of time debating myself in stores, I spend entire evenings playing with makeup while watching bad TV, I eat takeout on the couch in pajamas while watching nonstop TLC, whatever it is.
Whatever you want to do is OK, and you will be okay and you will get through this. Do not worry too much about having the “right” reaction. You will be fine!
I spend entire evenings playing with makeup while watching bad TV, I eat takeout on the couch in pajamas while watching nonstop TLC, whatever it is.
I feel so validated right now.
Answer to your first question: yes. Looking back *from* the breakup itself, I realized I’d spent about the past year coming to terms with the fact that we shouldn’t be together anymore, so there was no real element of surprise, and I had done a bunch of my grieving already. Aravisthequeen is right – it may hit you at times later, but it isn’t necessarily going to be hard?
As far as the second…I read a lot. Spend time in parks. Go for walks downtown and people-watch. Spend time talking to my cats.
I will tell you, when I broke up with my ex-boyfrend about 6 years ago, it actually never went into the “oho, now I’m really sad for that relationship!” time. Nope. Everything was really fine. I had like one crying miserable night once because he was making me feel like crap like two months later, but overall, nope. I spent a good chunk of time being sad about the whole situation (and some of it angry I didn’t do anything earlier) but was really very ready to move on.
Alone time things include netflix and knitting, or long walks with books on tape, really complicated baking. Or just trying to find things to, because I don’t like being in the house alone much, so I would search stitch’n’bitches or maybe an art gallery night or hey there is some class I never took before why not that now?? Kind of stuff. Anything.
see below (cornpancake) for being ok again sooner I’m adding more detail to what to do with your time. Also it comes and goes overall, I’d try and feel how you feel when you feel it, don’t try and be sad when you aren’t but when you are, let yourself mourn. You might be ready and have done your grieving while you were in the relationship, that happens sometimes.
I made a schedule of things I wanted to do in a week. This was not a huge “goals” list, this was like I need to do a little bit of all this stuff once a week to be happy- see a friend, practice driving, volunteer, make art, study for class and be nice (write thank you cards, remember birthdays, etc) I think were my main lists. And I made a big sticker chart of it, and then just tried to be consistent. I don’t think I actually managed to do everything I need to do in a week in any week but I got real close a lot of times and the repetition was great. I did stuff some weeks where I was like, ugh nooooo but I needed the sticker so I went for it. I also left a space to give myself a pat on the back if I did something else, like take my knives to get sharpened, or went on a trip, etc. If you come up with this kind of stuff, then you can easily do that in downtime, and it’s easy to figure out what to do next because you just look at the chart and go, oh I need to do another hour of recorder practice to give myself this week’s sticker.
I felt best when the things I did gained me something- like tackling something I meant to get around to from start to finish or moving towards a certificate, making a quilt, etc. Anything where you felt the forward progress. I felt less great just lying around watching movies if I hadn’t done my sticker stuff, but once I had, it felt pretty ok.
My amazing perfect boss is quitting and I am so very very sad. I’m still deciding whether I want to try to get her job, but regardless, I’m going to be pretty much the only employee at our company (plus our unpaid non-working board) for a minimum of two months. It is very stressful and sad.
Any uplifting stories of things that seemed like professional disasters that worked out great?
How do you define that weak, blonde, thin, pisces-looking, grey baggy shirt wearing, bespectacled boy who gets traumatized in 80s horror movies? Like Little Shop of Horrors, Jeepers Creepers 2, you know what I mean? Where did that look go? I want that look. Huge red glasses, caked in tears.
Can anyone please share stories of people who were dumped, were briefly sad, then fatefully and immediately met the loves of their lives and were so grateful for the dumping because otherwise it never would have happened?
I would really like to hear a story like that right now.
my ex husband.
i… imploded our relationship. he was appropriately FURIOUS in the immediate aftermath, then depressed. i was able to move out 2 months later. he met a new girl about 6 months after the implosion and they’ve been together ever since. almost 5 years now. we have mutual friends on FB and i see pics of them doing stuff and they seem legit happy. he’s clearly better off now.
I had a dumb, infuriating on-again off-again thing with a dude with pretty eyelashes and a tendency to only be into me if I was ambivalent towards him. Finally I was like, look, if you’re in this, then I’m in it too… And he was NOT. I sulked for a few months, and then met my (future) spouse at a party and am happier in our relationship than I ever believed possible.
One year and one month ago, dumped after so much stupidity after a 4.5 year relationship, where we were talking about getting engaged by February. Walked out the door mid dumping, never talked to him again, banned all mutual friends from talking about what he was up to, had him return the “1000 questions to ask before you get married” book with all my things, hated him, cried hated him, did stuff, went to visit a college friend for a hookup around thanksgiving and now I live on the other side of the country with him and we road tripped across america the week before last and my storage pod is coming hopefully soon, so….
Things that came out of being dumped:
Learned to drive and bought a car
Made a work transition and had the first good boss I had in 8 years
Fell madly in love when I was not expecting it,
Had better sex this year than pretty much ever.
Volunteered with kids and had a delightful time, kids are delightful
Limped through finishing a certificate course
Road tripped across america
Moved in with my new love
…??? (Getting a new job? Selling my art? Taking language classes? These are a few of my plans here)
Here’s the best part, I had all that time I spent on him back to figure my shit out in. I got on a regular life schedule, made a list of things I wanted to get done each week and used them as the building blocks of my new life, plus I saw my lady friends way more regularly. Highly recommend reading Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan Elliot.
“I can’t even commit to my own spectral presence.”
Been through this with a former friend, at one time a lover. We didn’t have the kind of close relationship that you have, but he acted like a giant baby for three months, usually saying “yes” to my offers to hang out, but then dragging his feet on the timing or never showing any affection, before finally owning up that it wasn’t working for him (and still to this day I tend to drop everything if he should chance to say hi.) Not, in short, acting like a grown-up human who actually likes me.
I don’t think it should be on you to schedule the coffee date at the end of the month. I think men who treat perfectly lovely women like us this way are worse than being single. I know it hurts. It hurts a lot. I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with them, but they don’t deserve all this care and attention.
My original reply–which had nothing to do with anyone’s spectral presence(??)–seems to have evaporated.
Take 2:
Yup. Devastating break up with young man. Complete collapse of mental health.
Eight months later, asked the cute groomsman at the Wedding Where I Knew No One But the Bride to dance. We went on our first date a week later, and have been inseparable ever since. Just celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary last week.
My *entire* freshman year of college was spent in mutual pining with a guy at a different college. At the end of the summer after freshman year, we decided we would date! This lasted for three weeks. He did not contact me at all the third week, except at the end, to dump me.
Within two weeks, I went to a party of some people I’d never met, and I met a guy who appreciated my Princess Bride joke. That was six years ago, and ignoring some distance-related breakups (mentioned on the “taking a break” consolation thread on the first page), we’ve been together ever since, and I couldn’t be happier.
Five and a half years ago, I was dumped by my long-distance boyfriend. We’d agreed on him moving to be with me, he came out to visit, then at the very end of the visit (like, as I was dropping him off at the airport) said, “I don’t think I can do it – I just can’t move here.” and broke up with me. Six months later, I met a guy through friends, we hit it off immediately, now we’re getting married in the spring! And I really am grateful for the break-up, because in retrospect I dodged a bullet. Being with someone who values me and is vocal about it makes me realize how much shit I put up with from my ex, for no good reason.
uggggggghh right before end of the day today (note! FRIDAY) my boss emails (since they were off site) like “hey you screwed this up, why would you do that?” and I’m all “oh CRAP – I totally did” “I already fixed it. stop screwing up.” it was something I thought I was getting better about but apparently still screwing up. and this is one of those situations where I really really like my job but feel like the only time I hear any feedback is “hey, you’re screwing up.” And I end my probationary period on Monday which means next week should be a review and I am now worried. I got home and had ice cream for dinner. And it is probably one of those “hey, remember, you’re new at this job? you’re going to screw up some stuff, keep working on not screwing up” and why can’t I just be better now?
Big fan of Jax from Sons of Anarchy trying to go all Knight in Shining Armor to save Edith and just kind of getting stabbed and hiding the rest of the movie
This has been a (mostly) awesome week! I got married last Thursday (yay!!!) but I ended up spraining my ankle on my honeymoon (boo!!!). I also had a job interview this week for a job I really, really want. They asked me about relocation (like how long it would take for me to move down to this other state) and the interview itself lasted 45 minutes, which seems like a really long time. I hope it went well! I’ve been unemployed since graduation in June, and I’m tired of relying on my parents and my in-laws for money. 🙁
The part that killed me and my friends was when Hiddlebum was like, “Maybe we should go out. I know; I’ll take you to the post office!!!” (Or something like that.) We’ve already started using it. “Hey what are you doing tonight? You wanna go out? Like to the post office?”
My mom decided we should skip the trip to Houston this weekend because of the rain (which makes me feel better – this shit worries me), but now my dog’s at a dogsitter and I’m anxiously waiting until 9am to call and tell her I’m coming to pick the dog up cause I worry it’s rude to call earlier, but I want my dog back and I want the drive in the rain to be over, so I keep looking at my phone and each time it’s all of 2 minutes later. A half hour has never felt so long.
That sounds like SAD, not insomnia. I would seriously consider a good light box as others said — they make really nice reading lights too. Or else talk to your doctor again suggesting this may be seasonal. But the lightbox thing — it makes such a difference! I have a regular one in my living room that cheers me up on winter evenings, and an alarm clock one that slowly gets brighter and brighter when it's time for me to wake up, that has truly cured my sleep grogginess in the morning.
You SHOULD get another tattoo and you should get it from Jennifer.
Cycling on roads with cars freaks me out too! I shiver whenever one passes me.
AHH I almost didn't read the open thread because I wasn't feeling well on Friday, and it's a lot to catch up on. I'm so glad I did now!
WHATthe new album's out!?
Thank you! That's a wonderful bit of history I did not know about.