Hey Ladies: 1st Birthday Party -The Toast

To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Katie
Date: 10/4/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Hey Mommies!

As most of you know, Peyton Jayne is turning 1 in a month! We’re going to be hosting a birthday party at The Central Park Boat House and would love to invite you, your hubbies, and your little ones to join in on the fun!

I thought it would be great to celebrate in NYC as it’s been so long since we’ve all moved away to Westchester, CT, and beyond (by the way, Jen, I looked up flights for you, Brad, and the kids, and it’s totally doable for you guys to get here from SF – no excuses!)

So, the details:

Peyton Jayne turns 1!
Theme: Paris-meets-Brooklyn (did you guys read that story in the Times?)
Date: Sunday, October 25th
Location: Central Park Boat House
Time: 4pm – 10pm

Gifts: Peyton Jayne would love it if you made a donation in her honor to a charity of your choice.

Monetary gifts will be invested in a high-interest Roth IRA.

We are so looking forward to seeing you and your families.

Katie, Jake, and Peyton Jayne Lloyd (and Jelly, arf arf!)

To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Ali
Date: 10/4/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Hi Ladies!

So great to hear from you Katie!!

From what I hear the first year of mothering can age you so, so much, so I’m so impressed that you can find the time to plan a soiree! :) I still feel so grateful that Pagan and Suri came into my life when they were out of that baby period, and fully formed little people at the age of 2 and 3! As Matt says, the only “steps” in our house are the ones on our Bowflex EXM4000X in our in-home gym. Did I tell you girls about it?? Pagan and Suri are now sharing a room, which I read in “Why Parisians Are Better, Thinner Parents Than Us” can be really great for fostering closeness! Until puberty. But I’m sure by then Matt and I will have a third level. But anyway in-home GYM!!

That’s so cute you want to do it in the city, but LOL the hours are crazy!!!! You want a child’s party that ends at 10pm?! That was a joke, right? Sleep schedules are SO important for building high IQs and hand/eye coordination. Pagan and Suri are usually asleep by 8p on the weekends, or 6:30p if the nanny wore them out. We might be able to stop by for a minute.

Couple questions since this is your first child’s birthday! :)

The party is nut-free right??
What are the gluten options? I’m actually really into gluten these days since I read an article about its benefits.
Did you know it’s tacky to specify gift instructions? Not being critical AT ALL, just wanted to make sure you knew the etiquette
Will the children’s entertainment be in English-only? We are trying to foster a bilingual environment, and with an eye towards the future economy, something in the key of Arabic or Shanghainese would be ideal.

Looking forward to celebrating Peyton!

Warmly,
Ali

—
Musicians play their instruments. I play the orchestra.” – Steve Jobs via Aaron Sorkin

To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ali; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Ashley
Date: 10/5/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Great questions, Ali.

I actually only want Pagen (P A G E N) not to be confused with Ali’s Pagan!) to attend parties in the morning as we try to keep our afternoons available for educational activities. It doesn’t sound like anyone will be doing anything educational at Peyton Jayne’s party, no offense!

Thanks –

Ash

To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ali; Katie; Ashley.; Jen
From: Morgan
Date: 10/5/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Can I get it in writing that my triplets (Helen, Ruth, and Ingrid) receive an “end” slice of the cake (maybe with a flower on it?) Ruth would love some of Peyton Jayne’s name in icing, if possible. And if the 3 slices aren’t exactly the same size there will be issues and honestly it won’t be my fault this time so I won’t feel pressured to fix it.

Thanks Katie :)

Morgan

To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ali; Katie; Ashley.; Jen
From: Nicole
Date: 10/7/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Hi Ladies!

Do you know what the weather will be like that day? Is the entire party outside? My sweet Pontius has an aversion to natural light — he sometimes cries when we are outside. Would anyone mind swinging by and picking us up? I don’t like to drive at night, and Jeff will be on a business trip in SF (tech-speak for San Francisco/Silicon Valley).

I’ll be bringing samples of my new product (Potty Babies — patent pending!) I’ll hopefully be pitching on Shark Tank soon!!! It’s the first and only potty training program designed for babies aged 9 mos-14 mos. I think this will really change the potty training landscape!

Will there be nursing stations?? I like to top Pontius off before car rides! Also, does anyone have any experience weaning children aged 3+ off nursing??

Can’t wait!!

Nicole

To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ali; Katie; Ashley; Nicole
From: Jen
Date: 10/7/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Hi girls!

I wish I could make it! Happy birthday to Peyote!!

Jen

ps Does anyone know how to check to see if they know someone involved in the Ashley Madison hack?? One of my friends is asking.

To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Jen; Katie; Ashley; Nicole
From: Ali
Date: 10/10/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Hi!

Kate, pls let me know ASAP. I’m saving the date for you, but don’t know how much longer I can do that!

Jen — Let me know if you need to talk. I can bluetooth you on my way back from dropping the kids at private school — I usually have an 8-minute window before my personal training session starts. I would NEVER need to use this for Matt, but I recently read a fascinating article in The New Yorker I believe, on how you can now hire North Korean hackers to routinely check your husband’s internet habits. If you need their info, I can make an introduction.

Ali
—
“There’s nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.” – Johann Sebastian Bach

To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Jen; Ali; Ashley; Nicole
From: Katie
Date: 10/10/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Hi Jen :)

I actually looked up the flights for you and your fam, as I mentioned :) It’s priced reasonably :) and I know you guys just put in a new pool :) I’ll take this message offline :) It’s gauche to discuss finances on a group email :)

Also Morgan, we’re not doing a cake. Sorry to disappoint Ruth, Susan and Mildred! We will be serving a healthy no-bake apple crumble instead. It’s local and organic.

Katie :)

To: Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Jen; Ali; Ashley; Nicole
From: Morgan
Date: 10/11/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Jen,

If you think Brad’s cheating just get a burner phone and make a Tinder. Then set him up in a sting. Might want to set up a Grindr, too, just to cover your bases.

Morgan

To: Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Jen; Ali; Ashley; Nicole
From: Morgan
Date: 10/13/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

UGH HI moms,

Might not make it — Ruth picked up some sort of weird rash at Toddler Bikram. It’s seriously disgusting, you guys. It’s like, some parents aren’t taking care of their kids’ hygiene and MY daughter(s) have to suffer? It’s really fucking with Ruth’s chakra and her intentions have had to be pushed back this week so I just don’t know if we can take any partying in non-90 degree rooms. I’m thinking about starting a #YogisLivesMatter hashtag, would you RT?

Morgan

PS – Jen did you ever figure out if Brad’s gay?????? JW

To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Jen; Ali; Ashley; Nicole
From: Katie
Date: 10/13/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Morgan,

I haven’t tweeted since giving birth to Peyton Jayne :) It just feels so juvenile now. But I support your hashtag-activism #loveya #haha.

Just wanted to ask if you’ll be sending a gift? So I can keep an eye out for it. I know last time Nicole sent a gift for my wedding it got “lost in the mail” and we had to file a suit against our doorman who was obviously fucking stealing from us. But this time we’ll def be on the lookout! lmk.

katie

To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Katie; Ali; Ashley; Nicole
From: Jen
Date: 10/13/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Um, the Ashley Madison question really was for a friend…

Jen

To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Katie; Ali; Jen; Nicole
From: Ashley
Date: 10/13/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

I know this is the party email but I think my question about nipple chafing got pushed down in the Breastfeeding thread of my “Hot NYC Moms On Facebook” group so I’ll ask about it here!!! Henry Jr. is absolutely murdering my nips.

To: Morgan; Allison; Ashley; Caitlin; Katie; Ali; Jen; Nicole
From: charlotte.smith857@gmail.com
Date: 10/14/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Can you ladies PLEASE take me off this thread??? I’m not sure how I ended up on here.

-Charlotte

To: Morgan; Allison; Ashley; Caitlin; Katie; Ali; Jen; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Nicole
From: aliwinklevosspersonalassistant@aol.com
Date: 10/14/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Good afternoon,

Ali, Pagan, and Suri will not be able to attend this function, as they are extremely busy with many social engagements.

Kind regards,
Madison
—
Personal Assistant/Intern to Ali Winklevoss

To: Morgan; Allison; Ashley; Caitlin; Katie; Ali; Jen; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; aliwinklevosspersonalassistant@aol.com
From: Nicole
Date: 10/14/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Hi Madison!!

Are you the 14-year-old cousin I met at Ali’s wedding??????

Nicole

Hiii!!!

YUP LOL! So random, but do you have that $50 I gave you that night for cab fare? You can venmo it to me!!

Madison
—
Personal Assistant/Intern to Ali Winklevoss

To: Morgan; Allison; Ashley; Caitlin; Katie; aliwinklevosspersonalassistant@aol.com; Jen; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Nicole
From: Ali
Date: 10/14/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Too funny! Can we please take this offline ladies???

Ali
—
CEO of the Winklevoss Family

To: Morgan; Allison; Ashley; Caitlin; Katie; aliwinklevosspersonalassistant@aol.com; Jen; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Ali
From: Nicole
Date: 10/14/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Lol Ali should we take it to “Facebook Messenger” or is there #badblood

lolol

~Nicole~

To: Morgan; Allison; Ashley; Caitlin; Katie; aliwinklevosspersonalassistant@aol.com; Jen; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Ali
From: Nicole
Date: 10/26/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Hi Ladies!

So sorry I couldn’t end up making it to the party! I totally slept through it, lol.

How was it??

ps Did you find out if Brad is cheating? Do you think your husband is gay if you walk in and catch him watching A LOT of gay porn???? That happened to one of my neighbors… No bigs, just pls let me know ASAP.

Caroline Moss is the deputy editor of culture at Tech Insider. She's also written for the New York Times and Cosmopolitan. She's tweeted over 100,000 times. Michelle Markowitz is a comedy writer, storyteller, and bachelorette party apologist in New York. She can be found subtweeting Cory Booker @michmarkowitz.

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ppyajunebug 137p · 487 weeks ago

If you do insist on giving a present, we ask you do not give Peyton Jayne anything that plugs in, anything that is specifically branded to a large corporation, anything made in China, anything with gluten in it, anything with bold or neon hues (muted tones only, please), or anything with cats on it.

One paragraph in and I am already dead. PEYTON JAYNE. MUTED TONES. this is everything i needed on a monday.

ETA: Pagan. Pagen. Suri. Pontius. Ali Winkelvoss

Hey Ladies: 1st Birthday Party

ByMichelle Markowitz & Caroline Moss

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