Women Inexplicably Aroused By Waves in Art

by Mallory Ortberg · January 25, 2016

It was not until I found the “Waves in art” and “Paintings of nude females in the sea” categories on Wikimedia Commons that I realized how big a part of art was just women seeming sexually aroused by the ocean? Not even mermaids, it’s a whole different thing. Huh, I guess!

waves1

“IT’S LIKE EVERY OCEAN WAVE IS MY NEW BOYFRIEND. GOODBYE, FRANK. HELLO, CHARLES.”

 

waves12

uuuugh this damp rock 
this foam feels so erotic
is anyone else’s skin getting clammy
GOD YES

 

waves10

you understand why I can never go back to human men, of course
what this imminent wave and I are about to have together is almost certainly going to be very special

 

waves9

GET OUT OF HERE
GET OUT OF HERE YOU KARL
I’M DATING WATER NOW
GET BACK IN YOUR DRY BOAT AND LEAVE US ALONE

 

waves8

get back in the boat, boys
we don’t need you anymore

 

waves7

if you don’t like the life that Wilhelm and I have built together you are kindly invited to fuck back off to dry land

 

waves6

never let me go, Chisholm 

 

waves4

so coy, Leonard
you’ll be back
you’ll be back

 

waves3

GET YOUR OWN WAVE, CLARICE
THIS ONE BELONGS TO ME
well he sure isn’t acting like it
he’s lapping up against me like he’s looking for a change
THAT’S JUST HOW WAVES WORK
IT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING
YOU’RE NOT SPECIAL

 

waves2

so when are you going to come meet my mother
she keeps asking about you 
and I’m always coming out to see you but you’ve never once come back to my place
I’m sorry, darling
I don’t mean to be pushy 
I just want her to love you as much as I do
Frederick? 
please don’t punish me 
say something

[Images via]

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


91 Comments

        1. grace_adieu +37

          This is why I could never understand why people think sex on the beach is supposed to be romantic. The sand gets in unfortunate places all on its own! It doesn’t need any assistance!

      2. dorianneemmerton +18

        It works better if it’s warm water from Jacuzzi jets… Or so I remember from my very first one ever.

        1. adoptraya +33

          It’s legitimately fascinating to me, because I had imagined that the whole shave your puss/don’t shave your puss moral debate was only a thing of recent years, but it appears that it has been around much, much longer.

          *takes to the sea…*

          …oh wait. Nope.

          1. dakimel +53

            Alternate theory: if you find the right waves, they’ll wax you right bare. Except for your flowing locks of head-hair, of course. The sea only takes the shorthairs, which is why you shouldn’t take to the sea until your mane is at least shoulder-length, or tightly capped.

  4. shayna223 +179

    so it’s not inexplicable if you look into the history of women and water!!! the sea was gendered male, and women swimming bathing etc was fraught with all sorts of sexual tension. hydrotherapy was a thing where women did a certain number of dips in the water and there was a lot of talk about the sea entering women, if you know what i mean. see the awakening, etc. also the lure of the sea by alain corbin. i can talk for a long time about this. who said graduate school wasn’t useful?

    1. Frumiosa +114

      So in other words, do not take to the sea! It’s filled with male bullshit! It’s a trap!!!!

      1. Unreadaethel +102

        Or perhaps, men have always known that women, having once taken to the sea, will no longer need them.

    2. shiftercat +35

      Water creatures tended to be feminine, also.

      I’m pretty sure a lot of those paintings are supposed to be of sirens. Sirens have been conflated with mermaids, but the Greek mythology never mentioned fishtails.

      1. danelleorange +30

        As someone who is trying to cultivate “Siren Chic” THERE ARE NO FISH TAILS.

        Unless you want a fish tail. I’ll still be friends with you even then.

    3. neuromanticism +33

      I thought the sea was feminine for this exact reason? Sirens and mermaids and whatnot, seducing men with their beauty before drowning them, much like the treacherous sea itself?

    4. Mairead +80

      Well, just ask Emily Dickinson– she knew!

      But no Man moved Me – till the Tide
      Went past my simple Shoe –
      And past my Apron – and my Belt
      And past my Boddice – too –

      And made as He would eat me up –
      As wholly as a Dew
      Opon a Dandelion’s Sleeve –
      And then – I started – too –

  7. Lizzie_Sidds +23

    One is disappointed by the lack of the Cabanel Birth of Venus but one is glad of the opportunity to procrastinate by being thusly disappointed.

  8. BobOfSeals +71

    I mean it’s not like I get aroused per se around the sea but Ionno the ocean is great I understand these ladies, is all.

    1. builtahouse +31

      *sigh* oh Vainamoinen. I know you’re bummed all the ladies keep running away & drowning themselves rather than marry you but….hey chasing their ghost-selves in a boat isn’t going to help you out.

    2. Gorhug +17

      At first glance I was going to say that some percentage should be “she’s shooting fish from her crotch” but I would like to think that is not happening there.

    1. CleverManka +50

      And the creepy face in the waves? And her seemingly corseted waist under the bathing suit? Also the fact that she looks pasted onto the background? There is a lot going on in this one and it’s all very strange.

      1. thetimekeptcity +13

        I hadn’t noticed the face! This is going to haunt my dreams. It doesn’t even look particularly human

    2. nopemobile +36

      I came down here exactly to comment on that unholy wave with inexplicably human arms.

      It’s like an advertisement for never going to the beach again.

      thank you.

  12. alliana07 +77

    “GET OUT OF HERE
    GET OUT OF HERE YOU KARL”

    The “Karl” bit is always my favorite bit of posts like these. See also: Women With Snake Boyfriends.

    3. godisråttan +9

      Karl used as a word means “man” in Swedish. I agree with you that the name bits are the best, but the double entendre is making this even better! Does it mean something in English? I have to google!

  13. bethcorriveau +112

    I just did a search for “waves” in our collections database and the very first thing that popped up was this.

  15. crystabrittany +74

    Um, Chisholm’s got a face, and it’s like a freaky horse or monkey or demonhorsemonkey, and I’m afraid his girlfriend never sees it. Like, it’s only there when she looks away and then when she looks back he’s all normal wave-y again. Watch out, sister.

  16. alula_auburn +49

    (A) Sea Room of Her Own.

    Although as a pale redhead, damned if sea love doesn’t seem to promote the most luminous skin tones.

  18. mkpatter +92

    I’ve literally read a fantasy novel where a lady got fucked by water (like her magic boyfriend either was the water or was manipulating it, I can’t remember) and it sounded pretty alright so make of that what you will.

      1. mkpatter +13

        I think it was an Elizabeth Haydon novel? Something like that. This is all I remember about it, I was like 15.

          1. adoptraya +15

            Okay, I just liked this comment to 69 likes, so I propose that anyone else who likes it like THIS comment so that the above can stay at 69 forever.

    4. Strophoria +7

      Isn’t there a scene in one of Elizabeth Bear’s Iron-something novels where Uisebaugh basically does that to the protagonist? And she’s all “oooh, its not really cheating, technically!”

  20. Chloe +44

    Isn’t this how all women act when visiting beaches? Or am I the only one rolling around in waves (PUN) of ecstasy?

  21. todddillard +108

    I remember asking in my Feminism and Classic Lit class why there was so much classic art depicting women and the ocean, and the professor was like, “What are you talking about, the thing you are talking about is not a thing.”

    Guess she must’ve been going through a recent breakup.

  23. Frida +34

    Mallory, be my best friend and travel with me around Europe where we shall visit all the dry old art museums and you can tell me tales of the world while I try not to wet myself.
    On a serious note, these posts are the best thing on the internet right now.

  24. l'inconnue +20

    …Mallory HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS ABOUT ME. WHAT ARE ALL THESE PAINTINGS, THEY ARE DEFINITELY OF ME, WHAT THE FUCK.

  25. bar1scorpio +31

    … Shower Nozzles?
    O.O
    That’s it. The Sea is just one huge shower nozzle.
    All these women have the urge to herbal.

  27. cleoreads +13

    I still remember reading Madame Bovary in high school and learning that all the water imagery was actually references to sex – probably because my friends and I thought that was *hilarious* and would make silly / dirty “water imagery” jokes to each other.

  28. Ennead +38

    I interpret half of those as women dragging men into the sea to drown, and the other half as women looking alluring and orgasmic in the water so you (male) will come closer to try to get some of that action at which point she will drag you into the sea to drown.

    Okay that one with the hands is just weird tho.

  29. alder_tree +9

    I’ve been pondering a move to the Oregon Coast, and if I do, I’m gonna get at least one of these to hang up in my place.

  30. ratscantknit +40

    Is it entirely unreasonable to be kinda disappointed about the waves all having boy names?

    1. mwaaaa +1

      I wonder if it’s an attack by Sirens on Odysseus’s ship? In the Odyssey he has his men put in earplugs and tie him to the mast so he can hear them sing, but they wouldn’t be susceptible. Seems like it could be a pretty free adaptation–no mast, but he’s at the tiller and the men seem to be trying to fight the naked beauties off.

  34. mwaaaa +5

    Aphrodite was born from the foam of the sea after Zeus cut off his father Ouranus’ genitals and threw them into the ocean, so the super sexy ocean has been a thing for a really really long time.

    1. georgiewilliamsblog +5

      My kids and I are listening to Rick Riordan’s take on the Greek gods (from the point of view of Percy Jackson). The version he recounts for 12 year olds is not quite this specific. Hahaha

  35. makingspace1

    My kids and I are listening to Rick Riordan's take on the Greek gods (from the point of view of Percy Jackson). The version he recounts for 12 year olds is not quite this specific. Hahaha