haha ok
great, great touching and kissing
so just on the count of three we’ll both push away a little bit and stand separately for a minute, okay?
haha okay one more kiss okay but now we’re really going to do it
okay?
here we go
one
two
ahhh you are both
so close to just shaking hands
which i am super happy to do
instead of face-petting and pointing at me
but this is good too
the petting and the pointing
it’s all part of saying hello
okay
I – okay
just let me know how much longer you need my whole wrist for?
I can just keep resting my shins against this hillock until you’re done with whatever you need to immobilize me for, it’s no problem
it’s kind of hard for me to braid your hair when you keep leaning away from me like that
oh no
is it
yeah
you’re still doing it
ahhh
this is awful
i guess you’re going to have to stop putting your hands on my head without asking first, then
…bestie
okay but remember how we talked about how cuddling isn’t actually a part of singing though
like i love your enthusiasm but it is not necessary, for singing
you made one big mistake when you came up for a stealth embrace, pal
you left my scything hand free
[Images via]
Tags: artwork, mallory captions western art history, men who are not great, women in western art history, women who are not great
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This:
you made one big mistake when you came up for a stealth embrace, pal
you left my scything hand free
Needs to be the next Toast shirt!
Awesome…
Also, in #2, I can’t tell if the dude’s hand holding the hourglass makes sense or if it is actually in a weird/slightly impossible position…
Pretty sure that represents his penis. Which he doesn’t have. Because he’s an angel. Still looks fairly phalic.
I dunno, it looks about the same as my hand looks when I hold my, um, hourglass.
That tiny rabbit in the background is so pissed about being dropped from Jesus’ stage act.
I can see him in the animal sidekick unemployment office now:
“For 20 years it was the good old rabbit-out-of-the-hat routine. Then all of a sudden, it’s ‘Look, I can walk on water!’ and ‘I want to heal lepers, waaah waaah waaah.’ What’s the world coming to?”
Very mean of Jesus to break that lady’s wrist.
Like, right off of her arm and then to hold it like 10 cm away from where he broke it off and be like ‘no look it’s fine they totally are still connected, see?’
Wait. That guy’s scything hand isis also free. Uh-oh.
Looks to me like Jesus is thinking, “Uh, you don’t have to be naked for me to take your pulse, it’s OK, really”.
Yeah, I actually thought Jesus was the one being stood too close to, and that he was grasping that naked lady’s wrist in an attempt to keep her from coming any closer.
Re: painting No. 2: Old people are always about touching the face, but hot damn, that old lady is JACKED. That’s a ropey, farmhand forearm.
I don’t know who the hell the artist got to model the angel & the old lady, but there is a lot of disconnect between the heads and bodies in both cases.
They look badly photoshopped.
Olde Photoshoppe is sort of a visual dialect. Like, those fluent in Photoshop can understand it, but it seems weird to them, and there are some tools they totally don’t understand at all.
SHE HAS MAN HANDS
hillock
Jesus is giving a first aid class! “Now, Peter, I noticed that you were holding the CPR dummy’s entire wrist, like this. When you’re taking the radial pulse, you just want to use these two fingers, otherwise you might feel your own pulse instead. Here, take the dummy and try again.”
“it’s kind of hard for me to braid your hair when you keep leaning away from me like that”
How did you record the conversation between me and my two year-old almost every morning?
the pointing-and-face-touching is literally every day of my life with a toddler. sometimes when he sees someone walking down the street, he just points and yells “that’s a person!” it sounds somehow…dubious? when he puts it that way.
next issue of Teaching Manners through Art magazine needs to feature a side-by-side of any of these with the Arnolfini portrait, Goofus and Gallant style. that’s how you touch a woman, gentlemen. barely, from a distance, with cold hands and a cold heart. a married couple should always stand a dog’s length apart.
+1 for Goofus and Gallant reference
I mean, look where touching’s already gotten her. Passionate hand-holding: not even once.
!!! dog’s length apart !!!
I second the motion for Goofus-and-Gallant-themed Art History.
Cuddle-singer should watch out, as that appears to be Alex Kingston!Moll Flanders he’s trying to sing-cuddle. He’s going to get his pocket picked if he’s lucky, and if he’s not, die after several years of marriage, three children, and finding out she’s his long-lost sister.
See, I was thinking she was the artistic doppelganger of Elsa Lanchester, one of whom must always appear in a Western Art History post.
He’s just trying to read handwritten music by candlelight, poor thing. Still, he could do it without bawling into her ear like that.
Jesus looks kind of weirded out that we’re watching. “Oh, hey, guys. Um, so, this is Mary [I assume-I don’t know the painting]. She’s just…um…she lost her cloak and…she thought maybe also her pulse.”
Eve? I assume because she’s naked.
It’s probably Mary Magdalene. (Or one of the other biblical women she’s always conflated with, because the concept of more than one female character freaked some people out even back then.)
And I don’t think artists in historical times (and indeed even today) needed a reason to paint someone as naked. As evidence, I point to a good 70% of Art.
I feel like Jesus is having a super dubious moment with wrist bend girl…. he seems to lack interest in creating yet another miracle for the crowd.
Well, there is a pretty obvious Playboy Bunny in that picture…he can tell how the press is going to spin this. He’s trying to look as absolutely matter-of-fact and detached as possible. NOTHING hinky going on here. What? She lost her clothes, you say? I’m so holy I didn’t even notice. Yawn. Is it time for bread and fish yet?
now singing "got my scything hand free!" to the tune of Left Hand Free
That last chick looks like Mark Ruffalo.
WHOA. She really does!
Yeah, I actually thought Jesus was the one being stood too close to, and that he was grasping that naked lady's wrist in an attempt to keep her from coming any closer.