Every Track Listing From 1997’s “Middle Of Nowhere” And The Corresponding Beatles Song It Is Better Than

by Mallory Ortberg · May 12, 2016

Taylor Hanson was more important and more beautiful than Kurt Cobain and every song that Hanson ever wrote was better than the entire Beatles discography, don’t @ me

“Thinking of You” – “And I Love Her”
“MMMBop” > the entire White Album probably
“Weird” > “Tax Man”
“Speechless” > “The Fool On The Hill”
“Where’s the Love” > “Don’t Let Me Down”
“Yearbook” > “Eleanor Rigby”
“Look at You” > “Everybody’s Trying To Be My Baby”
“Lucy” > “Blackbird”
“I Will Come to You” > “Imagine”
“A Minute Without You” > “In My Life”
“Madeline” > fuck you John Lennon, you weren’t that great, and the Ringo Starr episode of the Simpsons was good but nothing special
“With You in Your Dreams” > “Michelle”
“Man from Milwaukee” > “Come Together”

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


153 Comments

  5. Emily K +71

    Imagining the fury this will/would inspire in so many people is lighting up my whole day right now.

  6. dreadfulwind +101

    I am not of the correct age to understand Hanson, but I am SO HERE FOR BEATLES TRASH TALK IN GENERAL.

    1. Perdita McLeod +42

      Oh good, I’ll get started then.

      Can we just put poor Paul McCartney out of his misery or at least let the man retire? He can’t sing anymore. We have recordings from the time when he could sing. His actual presence is entirely unnecessary and, in fact, a hindrance to the “enjoyment of Paul McCartney singing” process at this point. We have other artists who can play at Superbowls and Grammy’s and whatnot, can we all agree that we shouldn’t have to listen to the poor man warble his way yet again through “Hey Jude.”

      why yes i am aware i’m going to hell thanks

      2. thatjillgirl +29

        On the other hand, if I were him, you can bet I would go right on performing for as long as I pleased. The crowds are going to keep right on coming and he pretty much gets to dictate his schedule at this point. Seems like nothing to lose.

      3. larsgarvey +12

        No, this is fair.

        And I really tried to like “Ram.” People kept saying, “This, this is the album that will make you appreciate Paul as a solo artist.” And I just couldn’t…

        And does he even really need to tour anymore?

      4. houblonchouffe +23

        Meet you there. We had to listen to Paul bloody McCartney talk about the deaths of Bowie and Prince and that is against everything I’ve ever stood for

      5. diaryofamadeditor +38

        When David Bowie died, I turned to my partner and said, “And Paul McCartney is going to live forever, isn’t he?”

      6. Unreadaethel +28

        This is precisely how I feel about Bob Dylan, except that Bob Dylan annoys me more. Bob, oh god, let other people sing your songs.

        1. Nausikaa +18

          HOW can I be expected to defend possums and Bob Dylan on the same day?

          I understand finding Bob Dylan’s voice irritating, but I am of pretty much the opposite opinion – I don’t like Bob Dylan’s songs nearly as much when they’re sung by someone else. To my mind, Bob Dylan’s standout quality as a singer is that he can convey all the shades of meaning, and he knows what his songs mean better than anyone else does. He has so many lines that don’t look like that much printed, but that have a tremendous impact on me when I hear him sing them. Cover versions just don’t have the same effect, however pretty the voice doing the singing is.

          1. ktmass +2

            Yes. I’m backing you up on this one but I still don’t like possums and refuse to yield.
            When other people sing Bob Dylan songs they’re all nice, pretty, folksy songs about love. With Bob singing though, you get such a range of emotions and stories.

      7. Borednow +8

        If he had only gotten a prenup or been a better husband, we wouldn’t have to deal with this.

      8. hellinorthrashwood +12

        Seeing as so many people dear to this man have died early, terrible deaths (his mother, his wife, two of his band mates, his manager, and other good friends like Mal Evans), I don’t think it’s asking too much to have a few people connected to the Beatles story live a long, full life tbh.

  8. Fitzy Chesterfield +17

    I am going to @ you so much, exclusively with Beatles and/or Hanson lyrics. I hope I’m not muted.

  9. larsgarvey +25

    “‘Madeline’ > fuck you John Lennon, you weren’t that great, and the Ringo Starr episode of the Simpsons was good but nothing special.”

    And this is something my friend Lauren would say, right after someone talked about how they enjoyed the White Album or Sgt. Pepper’s.

  10. AVincennes +75

    Also better than Tax Man:
    Crazy Town’s Butterfly
    The entirety of Panic! At The Disco’s first LP
    The above but Gym Class Heroes
    That Puddle Of Mudd song with the chorus “I LOVE THE WAY YOU GRAB MY ASS”
    The soundtrack of a “Transformers” movie
    An angry hyrax

    1. angrypedestrian +22

      Y’know, as garbage-y as it is, I have really come to appreciate P!ATD’s first album. It’s just so everything but the kitchen sink and then also the kitchen sink for good measure. Lyrics are absolute horrible trash, unfortunately. 19 year-old boys should not write lyrics.

      1. AVincennes +11

        Yes, P!ATD and Gym Class Heroes are the ones I have vestigal and less-vestigal fondness for. Butterfly has not aged as well as I once thought it might.

        1. carly927 +18

          The music is still catchy but all those MySpace references in early Gym Class Heroes really don’t pass the test of time.

          1. AVincennes +13

            A DOZEN

            DIGITAL

            ROSES

            Forms the cornerstone of any “requited love for a teacher” playlist tho

        2. Thujaplicata +8

          But thanks to this comment I now have Butterfly stuck in my head. Ah, college nostalgia.

      2. sourwatermelons +5

        Most of those lyrics were either stolen from/heavily influenced by various Chuck Palahniuk novels, but it’s not like the lyrics on their next album were any better soooooo…

        The music on their first album is still weirdly good though. It sounds absolutely 100% 2005 but still holds up better than some other music from 2005!!

      1. AVincennes +14

        This is a BRILLIANT hyrax photo which I have not seen before. Thank you!

        Hyraxes are closely related to elephants but all they do is sit on rocks and yell at people. At this stage of my YouVersion usage I have highlighted (I am quite sure) every instance in the Bible in which hyraxes are mentioned, which is how I know that they are not kosher.

        1. sarahgundle +5

          Everything about this comment is gold. I regret that I have but one like to give.

    3. WiScourge +4

      Yeah, I really can’t listen to the freaking Beatles bitch about having to pay their taxes.

  11. safi +18

    sub The Minutemen for Hanson and you’ve described one of my favorite IRL trolling gambits with music dudes.

    OK not actually trolling because I believe with my whole heart that D Boon died for my sins but it’s very satisfying to watch their eyes bug out and their brains explode.

    1. PomoFrannyGlass +4

      Oh MAN though are there not music dudes who IMMEDIATELY fall to their knees and beg you to marry them?! I feel like there a lot of dudes who share your views on D Boon!

    1. awnutts +14

      I made it to track 5 before I started shaking in anticipation. so so so so excited

  13. mooocheller +38

    Ahem. “Imagine” is a John Lennon song, not a Beatles song. *leaves room quietly*

  14. paperbgprincess +60

    I had this conversation with a friend recently:

    Me: “I was secretly a huge Hanson fan at the beginning of college.”
    Him: “I’ve got news for you ….. that wasn’t a secret.”
    Me: “Ok, but you didn’t know about the fanfic…”
    Him: “Well, I secretly spent a LOT of hours on Survivor message boards.”
    Me: “Yeah, that wasn’t a secret either.”

    1. catweazlol +22

      My first ever exposure to fanfic was my friend’s self-insert Taylor Hanson stories.

      1. alliana07 +10

        Self-insert fanfics were all the rage with Hanson tbh. I don’t remember reading any other kind (or writing it).

    2. alliana07 +12

      Did you write the fanfic or read it?? I did both and in retrospect now, 10+ years later, I cringe at the thought of my self-insert, celeb fanfic.

      1. paperbgprincess +14

        Both! Luckily none of what I wrote has survived, except perhaps on some old floppy discs I can’t read.

        Actually, a couple of months ago, I went on a deep dive of the Internet Archive and read a bunch of the old school Hanson fics. I read the whole one about how the Hanson brothers were on a plane that got hijacked by terrorists and then managed to defeat the terrorists and save the day. It was magnificent and terrible.

    3. Rose +4

      The fanfic! Oh the secret, shameful joy…probably no secret to the rest of my family.

      1. paperbgprincess +5

        I literally have a binder full of my favorite fics that I printed out in teeny font and compiled together. Those were the early days of internet

  17. the_slapdash +52

    As a former teenage Goth who really loved this album and hid that fact from literally everyone in the entire world, I am full of happiness right now.

    1. Tito +5

      Haha, that’s awesome. I’ll bet you secretly liked The Spin Doctors, too. You could have started a Happy Goth movement, freaked out everyone..

      1. the_slapdash +8

        The Spin Doctors weren’t really a thing over here. My other secret shame was Aqua…

  18. gripyfish +9

    This post has inspired me to add even more Hanson songs to my iPod when I get home tonight.

  20. ijusteatit +30

    I just watched all of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and cannot get Shanson’s YumBip out of my mind. Now that sounds like music!

    1. dissolver +24

      I pretty much left a dust cloud when a friend mentioned there was an anti-Beatles Toast post and I am so glad to see so many other commenters who share my distaste.

    2. Hepzebah +21

      Ok but why are “beatles bros” even a thing? It’s like, music that was intended for teenage girls is cool, if it’s a couple generations old? Or do they just really like borrowing their moms’ old albums?

  24. awnutts +129

    Also, the greatest achievement of Occupy Wall Street was this protester interviewing an old wall street businessman. The conversation was as follows:

    Old White Banker: “But, really, all important things have come from the 1%. We are the elite, building the world. Name one person who has created something valuable who didn’t come from the 1%”
    Protestor: “Do you like the Beatles?”
    OWB: “………..Okay, the Beatles.”

    Because it is physically impossible for a white baby boomer man to disparage the Beatles! Like, that protester KNEW HIS AUDIENCE

    1. Absotively +23

      Oh, the old white banker was just unprepared. If he’d been ready for the question, I’m sure he’d have given all the credit to Brian Epstein, and then claimed him as a member of the 1%.

      1. tree_and_leaf +1

        But Brian Epstein definitely wasn’t a one-per-center! He was middle class.

    1. larsgarvey +16

      Okay, now I’m grabbing the popcorn. Hanson vs. Beatles almost had me, but this… this is going to be good.

  28. logicbutton +28

    I have few opinions on the Beatles and even fewer on Hanson and will henceforth consider this post my personal bible regardless.

    1. dissolver +11

      Pretty much. Well no I absolutely have feelings on the Beatles but most of them are MEH and a firm eyeroll, especially where their fans are concerned.

    2. ballisticjaguar +6

      My opinions on Hansen amount to “I had an intense crush on Zac(k?) when they were a thing.” I’m pretty sure all my friends did to.

      Edit: also, looking at that picture Zac is so young! I mean, I guess I was quite young when this album came out but dear god.

  29. builtahouse +28

    ahahahahahahahahahaha I was once was subjected to an ENTIRE “best of” Beatles album on a roadtrip, by one of my best friends and her (future husband) guy she thought might like her, singing along in the backseat like little hippie chickadees.

    The driver and it just grit our teeth through it, but when it was suggested that we start the cd again from screen, I nearly ejected the cd and threw it out the window.

    “…you said you had some Billy Joel?” I asked hopefully, instead.

    1. WallisWallyOlly +21

      Oh, man, Billy Joel I would have ejected from the car before you even got it out of its case. He has like two songs that I like, and the rest trigger my fight-or-flight instinct.

      This is why it’s important to discuss road trip music before you commit to the road trip.

      1. Tito +11

        Me too. I think Billy Joel became an alcoholic because he realized he had written and performed all of Billy Joel’s songs. That said, I have fond memories of listening to Uptown Girl on repeat as a kid when I had a crush on this one girl.

        1. WallisWallyOlly +4

          I did really like that song when I was a kid! I still like it now, but only because I liked it as a kid. I’m not saying it’s bad, just that songs I really liked as a child I still really like, and I’m not capable of evaluating them objectively because nostalgia.

    2. emmysuhweeks +11

      Wait, it wasn’t the driver’s decision? Our car rule is always driver gets to pick the music for a road trip. That person must have had nerves and manners of steel.

      1. builtahouse +8

        we had naively not discussed it beforehand, and it was driver’s rules after that. 😛

        (this was also the same crew who thought it’d be GREAT to take a detour to a bookstore, when we only had printed-out Mapquest directions to our final destination. I had to reverse-navigate us back to the highway from those directions, of which I am STILL proud.)

    3. Unreadaethel +22

      I was stuck on a long car ride with music theater friends. Broadway soundtracks do not need to be played that loud, I don’t care how much Wicked changed your life.

        1. Unreadaethel +7

          We were driving from Cleveland to Columbus to hear Howard Shore direct a performance of the LotR soundtrack. Note: I have never been able to listen to Wicked to this day. I blame much of it on that car ride and the people I was with.

          1. aintnothingtoit +1

            Hopefully what you were driving to made it worth it? The LotR soundtrack is divine.

          2. Unreadaethel +1

            Unfortunately, the memory of the actual concert’s been somewhat eclipsed by the memory of the drive down there. I should work on this memory problem.

      2. builtahouse +9

        ahahaha oh boy, yeah I do enjoy singing along with Broadway but that is either 1. alone, or 2. in the company of SPECIFIC friends.

        I am so sorry Wicked was ruined for you. :-/ (though the LoTR concert sounds AMAZING.)

        1. Unreadaethel +7

          Honestly, I probably would have enjoyed it more with a different set of friends. And the loud musical theater in a small enclosed space kind of overshadowed the rest of the evening. Although Howard Shore did sign our programs when he came out of the stage entrance afterwards, looking very confused about the 5 college girls waiting for him.

  30. illyria83 +43

    Spotify #TBT playlist today is all 1997, in case you’re now in the mood.
    “Sunny came home to her favorite room. Sunny sat down in the kitchen…” (That song IS better than the Beatles.)
    Bye, ya’ll… I’m 14 with my Walkman in hand.

    1. WallisWallyOlly +12

      I liked that song until the local radio + MTV played it every 5 minutes. I’m juuuuust now at the point, nearly 20 years later, where I can listen to it all the way through.

  31. aqwaplop +8

    Yes, but conspicuously missing from this list is the fact that “Temporary Secretary” is better than all songs so far mentioned.

    >;)

  32. lavaloving +25

    Does anyone else realize that the 20 year anniversary of this album is LESS THAN A YEAR AWAY!!!

    Who’s up for a toastie anniversary party!!! May 6, 1917

    2. flying_ghoti +83

      Not to poke fun at your typo, but I’m having a really good time imagining the version of Hanson’s debut album from 1917.

      “Thinking of My Gal”
      “The MMMBop Rag”
      “Peculiar”
      “Speechless (The Mustard Gas Song)”
      “Where’s the Love (Probably Not in This Trench)”
      “Trenchfoot”
      “Look at You (What Happened to Your Legs, Was It Those Blasted Turks)”
      “Lenin”
      “I Will Come to Ypres”
      “A Minute Without Being Shelled”
      “Madeline (Has the Spanish Flu)”
      “With You in Your Shell-Shock Flashbacks”
      “Man from the Marne”

      2. SingArielSing +27

        Snorted hard at “Speechless (The Mustard Gas Song),” cackled so uncontrollably I had to turn it into a cough at “Look at You (What Happened to Your Legs, Was It Those Blasted Turks).” Thank you.

  33. kaylynuke +24

    Side note: why isn’t there a tshirt or tote w/ “don’t @ me” yet???

  35. alliana07 +18

    I just came back from a very long meeting, saw this, and squealed. You are a woman after my 11 year old heart, Mallory. (Okay lbr, that would be 11-18 year old heart and possibly faaaaar beyond because I’ve never stopped liking them.)

    1. alliana07 +15

      I named my first car Madeline after the song on this album. All my past websites were named after lines from Hanson songs. When I was 11/12 (can’t remember but you know, 97/98) my Mom took my to a concert on their first tour and I chased their tour bus down the street. (She won the tickets on the radio and somewhere there is a recorded broadcast of me SCREAMING in the background when she won.) I have photographic proof of the fact that my walls were covered in Hanson posters/photos (also my ceiling).

      But the best one is that Zac Hanson and I have the exact same birthday (month/date/year) and when I found this out at age 11 (in Tiger Beat magazine ofc), I think I literally screamed and fell to the ground. I was subsequently convinced for years that this meant we were soulmates.

  36. Hoolia +10

    I have already been listening to MMMbop on repeat for the last two weeks for no good reason, despite being too old to have been into it when it was the thing; therefore you did NOT succeed in getting it stuck in my head because it was already there, so HA!

  38. megotelek +18

    MMMBop is the most perfect pop song to ever exist anywhere in the universe. Truth.

    1. Angie

      But the Hanson song “This Time Around” is EVEN BETTER. And I’m not ashamed to say The Beatles are overrated and boring.

  39. dissolver +28

    Two of my HS friends were, respectively, a giant Hanson fan and a giant Beatles fan. I am ALMOST tempted to send this to both and see the bloodsport that ensues.

  40. shellygrrl +83

    As far as I know, the Hanson brothers have never been abusive toward their spouses, so that already makes them better than The Beatles, y/y?

  43. ectocool +21

    My favorite Beatles song is Yellow Submarine, which is a form of trolling in itself.

    1. Tito +6

      You sir/madam are not a true Beatles fan, if you even have ears or have ever heard that song….or you could be a child. True Beatles fans only tolerate this song and know that the greatest song in the Beatles catalog (and therefore the greatest song ever written/performed by humankind) is Rocky Raccoon.

  44. damanoid +16

    Literally a billion people claim they were at the San Jose Civic Center concert when Hanson opened for Deep Blue Something.

  45. Kizzo +40

    If ever there was a post more perfect for the “Creed arms into a sea of haters” tag, I have not found it

  48. Megs +13

    I will give you most of these, but I’m going to have to fight you over Blackbird. Just to warn you, I am totally prepared to die on this hill.

    Blackbird is beautiful and inspired by some of my home state’s ugliest history.

    Come at me! (Please read this with the large amount of levity with which it is intended)

  49. damanoid +20

    Wherever one stands on the eternal Hanson/Beatles debate, I think all reasonable people can agree that the Monkees kicked both their asses.

  50. aintnothingtoit +9

    I don’t know any Hanson at all, so I have no side to pick on this debate. But “Don’t Let Me Down” is the sexiest and possibly most underrated Beatles song and I STAND BY THAT.

    2. hellinorthrashwood +4

      Yesss.

      In terms of sexiness, teenage me was fond of “Drive My Car”… especially how Paul’s voice sounds in the line “working for peanuts is all very fine.”

      (I also think that “This Boy,” “What You’re Doing,” and “It’s All Too Much” are sadly underrated Beatles songs.)

  51. Rose +7

    Oh, Hanson. I had a weird and complicated middle school experience (like everybody else), and a big part of that complicated angst was about the duality of owning hanson posters and living in desperate fear that someone would find out about this!

  53. Nausikaa +6

    OK, I’m prepared to acknowledge the validity of your argument regarding the entire Beatles discography. But is anything, of any kind, better than the Beatles singing the Ode To Joy to a tiger in a pub?

  54. EmpressofBland +23

    So…everyone knows that Hanson now has a brewing company called MMMHops, right?

    1. damanoid +13

      Ironically, the Beatles’ brewing company, “Can’t Buy Me Suds,” failed almost instantly due to confusion over the name.

    2. treiale +4

      I did not, and this is the best news I have ever heard in the history of forever.

  55. Tito

    Great Lennon’s ghost! What goo-goo-goo-joob is this?
    IMAGINE a world without Hanson, it’s easy if you try….

    (Just kidding…..partly…. :p)

  56. Irate Enthusiast

    I did not, and this is the best news I have ever heard in the history of forever.

  57. Glen H +3

    Yoko was the coolest Beatle, and Hanson got a cameo on Futurama,during its golden years, unlike Nirvana. Their haters can kiss my shiny metal arse!

    1. Sporkening +4

      Yoko was SO the coolest Beatle. She is also a fantastic dudebro indicator. Someone who kneejerk-hates Yoko is someone who isn’t worth your time, ALWAYS.

      On an unrelated note, I used to think the youngest Hanson brother was a girl because he looked a lot like me at the time. I thought it was so damn cool that a little girl who looked like me could play the drums and make music videos and such. I still have a soft spot for Hanson because of this, despite only having heard… three…? of their songs, so Mallory will get no argument from me.

  58. bexmarksley +4

    Someone I’ve had to cut out of my life was a huuuuge Hanson fan (that isn’t the reason I cut her out of my life, I feel I should point out) and now I can’t even stand to hear them.

    My beloved mom has been a Beatles fan since she was 13. Gotta go with Mom here.

    1. Anna

      I read “Beatles” as “Hanson” and got really, really confused by the math…

  59. packedsuitcase

    Everything about this comment is gold. I regret that I have but one like to give.

  62. mialro12 +2

    This feels like the right time and place to share that the only Hanson song I’ve ever heard is “Wake Up” from The Princess Diaries soundtrack. I have heard MMMBop mentioned but I have no idea what it actually sounds like, and at this point I probably never will.

  63. aquietnovember +1

    Oh my soul…my wretched, weeping soul; reading these commentaries is like watching someone’s toddler shuffle wetly around your house and clutch your beloved, fragile keepsakes in filthy, poop-sticky slobber hands and giggle-farting while mashing them into pulp and having to accept it with gentle good-humor so as to not appear too sensitive.