1,310 Comments

  1. flying_ghoti +325

    Oh, sweet Toastrons, I had such things to discuss this week, but now I have forgotten them all, as indeed I have forgotten the feeling of joy and the sound of children’s laughter, in the wake of this morning’s announcement. And in the same week I got what I’m pretty sure was my most-upthumbed comment ever! Right now I am coping by ordering a massive quantity of Afghan food for lunch, in the hopes that aushak and pumpkin will help. That will have to do for now.

    So let me ask: are you guys okay? Does anyone need anything? Internet hugs, cat GIFs, startlingly well-cited arguments about minor details of Star Trek canon, or anything more substantial? If there’s anything I can do, I will, and I’m sure there are others out there.

    Also: my name is Martin. I don’t know why, I just felt like telling you guys. And also I’m totally getting a novelty toaster that prints Mallory’s face on my bread and you can’t stop me.

    1. GreenGrasses +60

      Hello Martin!! What I need currently is to hang out on this open thread ALL DAY and talk to as many people as possible!!!

      2. flying_ghoti +27

        Yeah, I have a ridiculous amount of work to get done today, and my brain is just like “ha ha, nope, maybe talk to me after the Afghan food gets here, until then OPEN THREAD and avoid your boss.”

      3. aintnothingtoit +15

        This, exactly! I want to reply to everyone and bask in all of your brains forever.

      4. alula_auburn +11

        This! From mid-March until now has been crazy hell workwise, I taught my last class of the semester last night and now that I actually have time to read and comment again. . .:cries:

    2. Pacific_Midwest +35

      do you pronouce it flying_fish? because that was one of my favorite linguistic jokes in junior high.

      1. flying_ghoti +40

        Honestly, I pronounce it /go.ti/, because English orthography is actually way more regular than George Bernard Shaw gave it credit for.

    3. radiantsqui3d +34

      Hi Martin, I’m Lisa!
      I’m not particularly okay? Can I have a Star Trek argument please?

      1. larsgarvey +26

        Hi Martin. Maybe not terribly surprisingly, I’m Lars.

        I would also like to take a number for a Star Trek argument. If it helps, I prefer DS9 to TNG. There, I said it.

        Also, a cat GIF would not go amiss.

        1. flying_ghoti +40

          DS9 is better than TNG! It just plain is. Janeway is also a better captain than Picard, but only when the writers for that episode had any understanding of her character. Kirk was an absolutely rubbish captain, and Sisko is the craziest person ever to wear four pips, but in a good way.

          6. anon210 +24

            “Janeway is also a better captain than Picard”

            Now come on. There has never been a better captain than Picard in any quadrant, alternate timeline, or holographic simulation.

          7. flying_ghoti +23

            Picard was an excellent captain. I’d never deny that. But the relationship Janeway had with her crew was something really quite special. Picard cared about the personal development of Data, but Janeway cared, deeply and sincerely and demonstratively, about the personal development of her entire staff. I would be honored to have either one as my boss, but if I had to pick? Probably Janeway.

            A huge part of that was the environment, sure; the Voyager crew were stuck together, decades away from home, so naturally they were closer than the average crew. But that’s sort of my point, is that Janeway was able to rise to that challenge, without ever letting her objectivity be clouded. She kept herself apart from her crew, but at the same time made herself extremely open for them – all while she had no one she could open up to herself. Could Picard have gotten Voyager home? Almost certainly. But could he have kept that crew together as well as Janeway did? There I’m not so sure.

          8. Nashirakins +25

            I just realized that I like Hillary Clinton and Janeway for the same reasons, and they’re basically what you said here.

          9. tinypaperme +17

            Janeway was TOTES better than Picard. “DO IT” in a gravelly voice with an iron stare vs. “Make it so” in a British accent with a wee hint of a smirk? Bet your ass.

        2. flying_ghoti +78

          Here is your cat GIF, it seems apropos somehow. If it’s too depressing I can find you another one.

          this is a depressing cat GIF, sorry everyone, sorry

          1. radiantsqui3d +26

            I have all the love for TNG, but even I think DS9 is better. Mostly because somehow they found out about story arcs and narrative complexity sometime in the early nineties.

          2. larsgarvey +15

            DS9 was indeed a far more complex show. I mean, right off the bat—busted up station, lingering post-war tensions, Sisko and Picard’s difficult, tragic history and connection, the wormhole… I adore me some TNG, but man did DS9 blow my mind at just the right time as a young nerd.

          3. PotterPotterson +11

            I say parts of DS( when I was a little kid, but Voyager was my first full watch as it aired ST show. When I started watching DS9 on netflix, I was absolutely floored byt how well it was written (especially considering ST standards). The arcs and growth within that show has propelled it to the top of my “fav ST” list.

          4. larsgarvey +12

            DS9 was my first Trek. My father is an unapologetic Trekkie, so I remember watching lots of TNG with him, but I was just too young to really *get* it. I loved Gordie and Data, and that was enough. But DS9 came out at the right time, so I totally get the Voyager love. (I also adore Voyager. The characters… that ending. Everything. So good.)

            I should rewatch both, back-to-back. I don’t care who wins, because I will definitely win.

          7. larsgarvey +7

            I would pay good money to see Gordie Howe vs. The Borg. Maybe I can convince someone at film school to do this for their final project… Hmm. #newlifegoals

          9. flying_ghoti +14

            My life goal: To sit down and watch every Trek episode and movie in in-universe chronological order. So TNG and DS9 and Voyager would all partially overlap each other, and it would be really neat to see what Voyager was doing while Sisko was busy sleeping with an entire mirror universe or whatever.

            (The problem with this idea is that I’d have to rewatch all of Enterprise, and then I’d have to rewatch all of TOS, and then I’d have to rewatch all the movies – not quite clear how the alternate timeline of the new movies fits into this exactly – and then I’d have to rewatch the first two seasons of TNG, and then I’d get to some good television.)

          10. Delphinium

            This seems like a noble and rewarding goal – enough so that I’m commenting two days late. Complication/question: when would be the right time to watch the episodes involving time shenanigans? In the earliest or latest time represented in the episode? Or would they be watched twice, once in each piece of the timestream?

          11. madknitter72 +6

            Yaaassss DS9 will always be firmly implanted in my heart. I’ve watched it over and over and over. I’m going through withdrawal since Netflix went back on their word of not caring what country you watched from. Sigh. (We don’t have it Canada.)

          12. larsgarvey +9

            Mallory won’t let us start a Kickstarter to save the Toast, but she said no such thing about one to bring DS9 back to Canada!

          13. larsgarvey +8

            I agree with all of what you said! And that is the cat GIF I needed! Thank you!

    5. madknitter72 +9

      Hi Martin. Lovely to meet you. Occassional poster, long-time lurker here. I fell in love with the Toast after running here from the stench of the G-place that shall not be named finally made my brain implode. I’m going to miss it!

    6. Hadrosaur +10

      That sounds like an awesome lunch plan. I am coping by eating my favourite ice cream (which has a smashed-up wagon wheel in it), and also a wagon wheel.

      1. viviennestreet +31

        It took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out that you were not eating ice cream with wood splinters in it.

        1. tinypaperme +8

          Me too. But it wouldn’t surprise me if Toasties were that badass.

          (As long as no one here is a termite.)

    7. aintnothingtoit +24

      Hi Martin! I’m Celia. I love that you felt the urge to use your real name. Afghan food is delicious. Dinner tonight is going to have to switch gears from “healthy” to “eating my feelings”, that’s for sure.

      What I need right now is to remember that the same love and a refuge found at the toast can also sometimes be found through reading. So. Any favorite comforting books?

      1. viviennestreet +11

        I’m pretty sure I’m going to end up rereading at least some of Sharon Lee and Steve Miller’s Liaden series as a way of coping, mostly because I’ve already reread a bunch of Bujold books earlier this year.

      2. larsgarvey +15

        I am going to eat all the tacos for lunch soon, so I totally feel you on “eating my feelings,” Celia. I’m just accelerating the plan. Taco lunch, maybe even taco dinner. (Tacos are an integral part of my self-care regimen.)

        1. tinypaperme +5

          I have not had tacos in far too long. Tomorrow I may go buy a dozen fresh tamales at the farmers market, though.

          1. larsgarvey +6

            If you ever make it to Seattle, there’s an incredible Mexican place in Georgetown (right near Fantagraphics! Make an afternoon of it!) called Fonda la Catrina. This is where I am headed shortly. To cry into some fantastic tacos. And then eat them.

          2. aintnothingtoit +1

            Ahh yiss, Seattle recommendations! I am stealing this – I should be going in the fall, and this restaurant sounds fantastic.

      3. roisindubh211 +12

        I’ve luckily just started a reread of Heyer’s The Grand Sophy which is mostly delightful fluff and hijinks. (there is an unfortunate anti-semetic bit with a “moneylender” character, but the rest of the book is okay if that’s not a dealbreaker)

      1. builtahouse +30

        bless you mightily for this.

        *remembers this is the exact beautiful thing that this community uniquely provided & is not available anywhere else*

        *tears up*

        1. flying_ghoti +59

          CleverManka couldn’t stick around for the OT this week, but if she were here, I know just what she would say:

    10. alula_auburn +8

      Hello, Martin! I’m Marie.

      I almost always need cat GIFs, but I mostly just need to hang out with people who won’t think I’m massively overreacting to a website (the most perfect website) closing down.

    11. geekcrackteam +5

      Hi Martin!

      What is Afghan food like? How does it compare to standard ‘Indian’ food (which is mostly Bengali food I think? At least in the UK), is it similar to other south Asian food (curry and rice and bread) or is it completely different? (I only recently learned what Turkish food was and I am here for it.)

      1. flying_ghoti +13

        It’s quite delicious, and quite different! We’re lucky in Baltimore to have an absolutely excellent Afghan restaurant (owned by Hamid Karzai’s brother! mocked on the air by John Oliver!) which has led to the growth of several smaller restaurants, one of which, thanks be to all that is good, delivers to my workplace.

        I’d say it has more in common with Persian food than Indian or even Pakistani (at least as realized in the US), but it’s really its own special animal. It tends to be well-spiced, but usually not very spicy, if that makes sense. Sweet and savory flavors are often mixed, like rice with both lamb and raisins. It might be my favorite national cuisine – right up there with Burmese, which is also a crossroads culture, and that’s probably not a coincidence.

        1. geekcrackteam +5

          Not too spicy +sweet +savoury is my absolute jam.

          I am definitely going on just-eat to see if there’s any Afghan takeaways near me!

          1. aintnothingtoit +5

            I hope you can find some! Afghan appetizers in particular are amazing – their dumplings are so light and well seasoned and mild but ridiculously flavorful? It’s a beautiful alchemy.

        2. Earthgirl07 +3

          Hey there fellow Baltimorean! I work near the Helmand and was very tempted to get some pumpkin appetizer after I read your first comment (but before I realized you were talking about more or less the same place.) Crazy!

          I had no idea that Afghan delivery was an option, though. Definitely need to look into this…

          (Ps I’m Erin)

          1. flying_ghoti +1

            Maiwand Grill is on GrubHub! Not quite the Helmand, but pretty solid.

            (If you’re on the new Slack group, there’s a #_dmv group for DC/MD/VA Toast refugees!)

          2. Earthgirl07 +2

            I’ll have to look that up!

            (I literally just learned what a slack is, no idea what #_dmv is but I guess I’m gonna learn!)

          3. gentlehangovers +2

            I used to live in Baltimore and I DREAM of that pumpkin appetizer. Then, THEN I moved to San Francisco where the OTHER Helmand is (I think they are owned by brothers?) but I heard the San Francisco one is closing.

    12. NopetopusUnited +30

      Hi Martin, I’m Pepper (which feels weird to type as opposed to saying because here is where I usually say, all chipper like, “yes, like the vegetable” but none of you need that clarification) and I too am trying to deal with my emotions by eating orange food!

      In my funk there was a single ray of sunshine; I got stalked by a cat on my way home! I stopped to have a conversation with them on my way up a hill and, after I apparently rudely left in the middle of their sentence, they zig-zagged in front of my path allll the way to my house. They even stopped when I adjusted my shopping bags! We parted on good terms.

    13. Mrs_Peel +18

      “startlingly well-cited arguments about minor details of Star Trek canon”

      ALWAYS

      1. Unreadaethel +11

        Every word of that phrase is designed to cater perfectly to the interests of Toast Soldiers everywhere.

    1. sausagedog +21

      Here’s a Toast-inspired Tinyletter I started: http://tinyletter.com/spaghettidinner
      Where we can share recipes and meal suggestions a la Open Thread. So far it’s biweekly but I might make it weekly (never more than that) — browse the archive here and feel free to sign up!

      2. BiadeMedici +1

        I am signing up because I am 23 and live alone and never have any ideas/energy/experience cooking and I think I am literally slightly undernourished right now as a result.

        TIME TO GET IT TOGETHER

      1. jackalopeia +7

        I read your blog every week when I see one of your comments! I love it! Now I guess I’ll need… a bookmark? Haven’t used those for awhile.

        1. aravisthequeen +13

          Thank you! It is truly a labor of love. Or disgust. Or both. Check in next week, I have a real loser on deck.

          1. darthvadersmom +4

            i love that you did “The Royal Diaries.” i read SO MANY of those when i was a teenager and adored them. did you do the historical non-royal diary books too (all i can remember right now is the oregon trail book…)?

          2. aravisthequeen +2

            Yup! I’ve done a few Royal Diaries and almost all the Dear America’s (plus Dear Canada and My Name is America). My archives are bursting with it!

          3. GreenGrasses +3

            Ugh me too! My favorites were Marie Antoinette and Mary Queen of Scots, although now that I’m older I have many complicated feelings about these particular ladies…

          4. aravisthequeen +3

            Royal Diaries did an awesome job of including nonwhite non European royals as well. And they’re GREAT

          5. larocquen +6

            “Check in next week, I have a real loser on deck.”

            Music to the ears of this former YA librarian 🙂 I love reviews for bad books so, so much.

          6. yahistoricalvault +4

            I LOVE reviewing bad books. Like, I love reading good books and telling people about them and explaining why I love them, but I just adore ripping into truly tragic books. It’s so satisfying.

      2. sabinabemani +5

        OH FUCK YES
        ahem…. Sorry. But this is exactly what I need. Awesome.
        I’m considering stocking my stepkids’ library with a lot of awesome books. They can’t really read yet (Dr. Seuss is challenging for them) but I want to be ready for when they are literate and give them the option of being voracious readers. I also want to read lots of good YA lit myself (and ok, maybe books for younger readers than that too) so 2 birds with one stone! Will likely be relying on reviews to know what to buy.

        1. aravisthequeen +4

          Yay! I have a year plus of archives, and I’ve reviewed plenty of utter shit, but also lots of good stuff! Mostly female focused, and almost everything I review is older so very cheap to buy used!

          1. ballisticjaguar +2

            Have you reviewed Lady of Ch’iao Kuo? That one was my favourite I wonder how it would read to an adult/to me today.

            Edit: meant to reply to you in another thread (above!) woops!

      3. alula_auburn +2

        I’ve been reading! I think I was just a tad too old for the Dear America/Diaries, but I am all over some Ann Rinaldi or American Girl or Patrica Clapp. (I mean, I love reading about the ones I missed; I just never have anything to say.)

        1. aravisthequeen +3

          I’ve done some Ann Rinaldi with more upcoming as is Patricia Clapp!!!

      4. ballisticjaguar +5

        So I just took a look at your review for Brothers Far From Home which was wonderful. I loved that book as a child but really only have one memory of it: that Hugo dies. This part made me bawl and bawl and bawl; it’s my first memory of a book making me cry (hilariously though, I was sitting on the toilet reading when I got to that part…anyone who says it’s smartphones that causes people to spend too much time on the toilet clearly didn’t come from a family of bookworms).

      5. permanentteal +2

        This may be weird, but would you take requests of Dear Americas to review? I love what you’ve done, but there are a couple that I really want to here your take on.

        1. aravisthequeen +2

          Absolutely 100%!!! Tweet me or email me at the contact link and I would love that!!!

      6. huntress wizard +6

        I love your blog! It brings back so many memories of my super-bookish, occasionally misspent youth.

      7. kellym89 +2

        I am so there for these reviews! I was so into YA historical fiction, and based on my initial reaction being “wait, do I want to read the reviews if it’s going to spoil the book as I now want to read/reread all these?” my use of past tense might not be accurate.

    4. mmcoulston +9

      I occasionally blog at hoochandhome.com where we do home projects and pair cocktails with each one. Follow on Instagram @hoochandhome for your cocktail/diy/food picture needs.

    5. thebeagee +9

      I’m on twitter @apey1013. I run a cocktail tumbler at eatbiscuitdrinkflip.tumblr.com It was originally only Hannibal-themed, but I’ve been branching out into other media, too.

    6. CleverManka +24

      I’m glad I saw this before I left for the day! Thanks for posting this so early in the OT, sausagedog.

      I’m CleverManka (or Clever Manka) everywhere I’m present on the internet. Livejournal (although might be moving over to Dreamwidth, where I am also CleverManka), Tumblr, Twitter, and even Pinterest. I don’t know if I’m going to restock the Etsy store anytime soon, but it’s here if you wanna bookmark it.

      1. robindavisdesign +7

        I haven’t clicked on your tumblr yet but I must know if it’s a continuation of your excellent toast comment gifs collection… I’m going to need a lot of those today.

    8. perianwen +6

      I has an etsy, it is here, and it is mostly fandom-related stuff, so if you know any Potterheads, or Ringers… https://www.etsy.com/ca/shop/perianiel

      1. dakimel +9

        Thanks for posting this – I was just trying to find the link again.

        (Given that I created the link, you’d think I would, you know, be able to find it within a quarter hour or so.)

        1. ladyimogen +2

          I’m not sure! On my iphone I have the google sheets app, and that makes it easily editable. Usually I just access it on the computer though!

      5. amatyultare256 +1

        THE EMBROIDERY SAYINGS! I kept meaning to ask if there was a physical list (I’m going to be needing another embroidery project pretty soon), so I’m very grateful to see that there is! Now I’ve gotta find a way to do, like, a raffle to send my completed pieces to Toasties. Hmm…

        1. ladyimogen +1

          oooooh yes!!! there is a spot on my office wall that is just screaming for some toast inspired embroidery.

      6. Liz (SemperLegens)

        Wheeeee! Adding myself (even though I feel a little sheepish, as a mostly-lurker), and I created a new twitter account just for Toast people.

    12. annadraussen +8

      I’m a comic artist for a local blog. Right now most of my stuff is on or linked through Tumblr, but I’m working on moving everything over to WordPress so that I don’t have to post things in pieces. http://annaindenton.tumblr.com/

      1. dunaganagain +2

        Do you know what your wordpress URL is going to be yet? I like your stuff & want to follow but I don’t really tumblr (never really found the energy to invest in social media apart from facebook, which I think makes me old or at least not very cool)

      2. LadyBertilak +1

        posted the at wrong spot oops: I’m super late & also not a regular commenter but I still felt part of the community & on tumblr I’m c-has-a-blog (but its not very organized)

        1. jackalopeia +3

          Followed! I’m also following everyone who’s adding me right now, so hopefully no weird pornbots decide that today is the day to check me out.

        1. jackalopeia +6

          Thank you! It’s… niche. My mother’s always like “maybe some nice flowers next time…? People like flowers.”

      3. viviennestreet +5

        I’m also neuroticchihuahua on tumblr. I think I mostly post stuff about whatever fandom I’m currently into, so there’s a good amount of Person of Interest gifsets and DS9 screaming at the moment.

        1. jackalopeia +14

          The best part of Toastie Tumblr is following all these people with niche blogs I would never think to look for myself. I have so much affection for The One Who Really Likes Succulents, The One Who Wants To Destroy [actor] Sexually, and yes, All Those PoI Fans.

      5. paperdoneyet +8

        Your jewelry is beautiful and I need it all! Especially that rat vertebra ring because I am studying rodent spines! BRB, seeing if I can write “purchase anatomical jewelry” into the Broader Impacts section of my next grant.

        1. jackalopeia +4

          Thank you! I will have to tell my mother about you, MY EXACT TARGET AUDIENCE, next time she’s on my case to incorporate more florals in my designs.

          1. paperdoneyet +2

            I’m sending this to all the jewelry-coveting anatomists I know! There are a lot of us, please keep being awesome because bones > flowers. Also, the COPPER, so PRETTY.

      6. okelay +1

        I’m bb8-and-rey, my tumblr’s a complete mess but there’s definitely queer content and book talk

      8. LadyBertilak +1

        posted the at wrong spot TWICE i am so sorry: I’m super late & also not a regular commenter but I still felt part of the community & on tumblr I’m c-has-a-blog (but its not very organized)

    15. teabeey +2

      I’m going to be checking this thread all the time to add all you lovely people to my social media accounts!
      Personal Tumblr: girlandherbooks.tumblr.com
      Twitter: @teabeey (just returned to it, with the future loss of The Toast)

      1. shartbreaker +4

        I’m on Shartbreaker.tumblr.com and I’m gonna make a Facebook to join the oregon toasties and who knows what will happen… maybe a Facebook group!

        1. larsgarvey +2

          Washington State toastie here. So keep me apprised of your crazy Oregonian ways. We like to keep tabs. 🙂

    18. tombstone +4

      My tumblr is kixiqu.tumblr.com, it is mostly visual because I use it as a place of aesthetic retreat, and I am following you all madly.

    19. lmrrrr +6

      Ohhhh so glad this exists!

      A friend and I are starting up a humor site called Excuse the Bananas; it isn’t up and running yet but we’ve currently set a launch date of June 1! For all you other hilarious people, we will definitely be seeking submissions. The Twitter (@excusethebanana) and Facebook pages are up but not active yet — feel free to follow those. Instagram and Tumblr and Snapchat will be up as well but we haven’t done more than reserve them at this point. You can follow now, but it will be kind of boring for a few more weeks. All the other usernames/urls are /excusethebananas.

      My personal Twitter is @reporterrrr and I would love to keep up these Toastie circles there!

      1. sausagedog +2

        Ah I have no idea if I’m hilarious but maybe I’ll try to submit, because this sounds very cool.

    21. ashurredly +7

      There is some crossover between here and Autostraddle in terms of readership, I think, yes? I’m ashurredly there also, if anyone wants to add me. Maybe we could make a Toastie Refugee group over there?

    23. cloverleaf +2

      I don’t post much but I read a lot. Best comments section on the internet. <3

      I am on Etsy at http://www.etsy.com/shop/sleepingfoxstitchery

      1. jenni w +1

        hi person who I never saw before on anywhere ever wow such amaze embroider things

        also I am either jeffinur or jennizart in most places – except instagram it’s jennizabstracts

        https://www.etsy.com/shop/Jennizart

        #toastgroupielurkers4ever

      1. RosaRachel +1

        I have no idea where I would wear such glorious hats, or if I could even pull them off, but I just wanted to let you know I feel the world is much more glorious for their existence!

        1. sagerenee +1

          Thank you so much! I actually just had my first “in the wild’ hat sighting this weekend at Steampunk World’s Fair. A woman walked by me and I startled the crap out of her yelling “I made that hat!” so then we had a nice chat and a selfie. 🙂 _

    25. tidepool +7

      I’m seriously considering posting my fannish identity/tumblr here even though I’ve never connected it to any other identity, internet or no. I don’t know. I’ll think on it. I’m kind of nervous people won’t like me!

    26. alula_auburn +4

      Honestly, this may actually force me to start doing the blogging/tweeting I’ve put off so I can join in.

    27. dunaganagain +6

      I blog about my project of reading a selection of books from every country around the world at Around the World in 2000 Books. I’ve had a bit of a tough time keeping up with it for the past six months or so while I’ve been pregnant but I’m spending the last 3-4 weeks until the baby arrives furiously writing and scheduling posts so I can try to have semi-regular updates (and catch up to the books I’m reading now, since I’m currently blogging about books I read in September) after the baby gets here.

      1. Liz +1

        Ohhhhhh this is so exciting! I’ve been vaguely trying to expand my reading outside of white US/British authors. I am definitely going to check this out and glom onto you to re-inspire myself 🙂

        1. dunaganagain +1

          Thanks! Glom away! I’ve only gotten through Australia & half of Polynesia with my reviews, but the complete list of books I intend to read is up on the site so should give you plenty to work with. 🙂

    28. artdorkgirl +5

      Some of my fellow refugees from Videogum (#rip, #never4get) started up a small pop culture blog where we talk about trampoline accidents, ghosts, TV, handsome gentlemen and ladies, and, right now, Eurovision. If you’re interested, you can swing by https://vgum.wordpress.com/ and see what we’re about. And don’t let the fact that we’re small and everyone seems to know each other personally. I swear we’re nice!

    29. rebeccalibrarian +5

      I post semi-regularly on the blog I started with a group of my Borders friends when our store closed and we were all desperately sad and we use it to keep talking about books and the occasional tv show mainly for ourselves. The content can be pretty random (I post reviews on books I love [mainly YA, but also whatever I read that I liked enough to review] and right now do snarky/angry recaps of Once Upon a Time) and there are only 3 of us who post anymore, but I can’t let it go because it is the last piece of my Borders family. So if any of you are not scared off by this really vague description you can check it out here: Booksellers Without Borders NY”

    30. bleucrayon +2

      My dog, and occasionally myself, are active on Instagram as ‘ser.duncan’.

    32. rianek +3

      I’m on twitter @theillustrious. I have NEARLY 130 FOLLOWERS so it’s quite a place to be! I also used to have a blog under the same name but I accidentally let it expire even though WordPress called me a bunch of times to inform me but I have voicemail anxiety.

    33. lemonack +2

      @IoriKusano on Twitter (this is my SFF pen name so there will be links to my poetry and also if I ever sell a short story), @iori_stagram on instagram!

    34. elsajeni +2

      I think I’m on the Toast Connections spreadsheet linked above, but I’ll post here as well: you can find me on Tumblr, with the same username as here. Basically my themes at the moment are Sailor Moon, possums, Star Wars, and miniature things.

    35. paisleyLo +4

      My darlings, I am bereft. I am way sadder about this than I ever thought I would be about a website.

      I have no blog or tumblr to speak of, but I did join twitter because of this. Find me @interiorpocket

    36. tekkah +2

      Hello Toasties! I blog with two friends about all things nerdy at Avenging Force. I am @tekkah on Twitter, and I also have a less-frequently-used gaming twitter account at @acciomjolnir where I sometimes tweet the random thoughts that pop up while I play video games. My Tumblr is AccioMjolnir, and I don’t really do original content there, I just reblog things I find pretty and/or amusing. Feel free to follow any of these things. I heart you all.

    37. Copy Goddess +1

      I have a very beta blog called Ladies in the Dark (ladiesinthedark.wordpress.com); more entries are in the works.

    39. lbolesta +2

      Hi, I am vaguely or totally involved in a bunch of stuff in various states of entropy.

      Go Go Go is a blog about going places (or being places) https://go-go-go.org/

      Everyday Photo is basically what it says on the tin, and in visiting to grab the URL I see how neglectful I’ve been of it, must change. https://everydayphoto.org/

      One and 1 is two things put together, so far a photo by me and words by a partner in crime. https://one-and-1.com/

    43. ToastiewithCheese +4

      I have a tinyletter I should really send out again soon at tinyletter.com/hedwig. I also have a blog, but that’s in Dutch. And I’m now going to go on a subscribing binge.

    44. missed the boat +3

      As a Toast reader of several years who had never gotten around to commenting (or had much of an internet presence anyway) this is a wonderful thread on a sad day, and I will definitely seek out displaced Toasties in my future internet endeavors. Thank you.

    50. Strophoria +1

      I am cycling across Canada, you can follow along on Instagram at @_velo.ciraptor_

      Also, my tumblr is @strophoria, and I may finally get Twitter.

      Can somebody add me to the ADHD toasties slack group please?

    51. Apfelmoose +1

      Only on Instagram as @cartoonminie
      It is all photos of my dog. Would love to follow more Toasties and especially more Toastie pets.

    52. celtadri +1

      Oh hey, good idea! For those who liked my Odd Animal Cartoons, I keep on posting ’em weekly at loveamongthelampreys.com

      xoxo

    53. tea.with.jam +1

      I just, literally just got the nerve to hit publish on this and I’m still internally screaming.

      I take photos! Mostly nature or interesting shapes and textures. This is the first batch I’ve ever uploaded, way more to come.

      When I get home tonight, I’ll make a toastie discount code <3 https://jampersandstudio.smugmug.com

    54. amatyultare256 +1

      I, uh. I review self-help books? I generally post once a fortnight (because I do have other things to do in life besides reading self-help books) at Self-Helped (selfhelpedreviews.com).

      I’m also on Tumblr and Twitter as Amatyultare, though both places are 95% reblogs/retweets.

    56. exitpursuedbyaclaire +1

      My blog where I talk about and review fantasy fiction is exitpursuedbyaclaire.tumblr.com, and I’ve created a gmail with this username as well. My other social media presences ’round the Internet are either under my real name or under a username I’ve used since I was 11, so I won’t post those on the open thread. But I will happily answer if asked via gmail or tumblr message!

    57. sfbeee +1

      so late to this! tinyletter.com/sfbillimoria — link roundup that tries to blend the whimsy and the angst, in true toast form.

    59. allanaaa +1

      We can be tumblr-friends at allanamayer.tumblr.com although I mostly just talk about libraries there.

      We can be twitter-friends at @allanaaaaaaa (6 extra As) and I see most of us already are, now.

      You can buy some weird naturalist stuff and support a diversity scholarship for baby archivists at society6.com/publicdemesne. If you have a Society6 shop, follow me and I’ll follow you back, I like promoting cool people.

    60. LadyBertilak +1

      I’m super late & also not a regular commenter but I still felt part of the community & on tumblr I’m c-has-a-blog (but its not very organized)

    62. Una

      Just came here to tell you I received your Toast Post and it’s hanging on my desk at work and thank you so much! Send me your address once you’re settled in and I’ll write back!

  3. CleverManka +266

    Oh, beloveds.

    I have to admit I am not dealing with the closure of The-Toast in anything that can be remotely described as “well” or “maturely.” My emotions have been all over the place since my surgery and frankly the past two years of health issues have worn down my reserves until I’m basically a raw nerve all the time and I’ve been working on getting better but I’m not even close to being better yet.

    To avoid being a crying mess, I’ve gotta check out of here for the weekend. I’ll see you all on Monday.

        1. Rillquiet +43

          I cannot find the DC Toast group, though I know there is one, but I assume that this weekend you just have to follow the sound of keening and then filter for Caps fans.

          1. rhymeswitheight +16

            Oh my god I don’t know why this is the most hilarious thing I’ve read in weeks but IT IS. Thank you for this small gift to my day.

          2. fakely_mctest +5

            Yay! We have so many toasties now.

            Also we are planning a July 1 picnic/wake on Roosevelt Island.

    5. geekcrackteam +61

      I just want to let you know that I have a serious internet crush on you (and I’m defintely not the only one.).

      Look after yourself *hug*

        1. Unreadaethel +19

          Maybe on the last day of the Toast, we should all confess our Toast crushes.

          Take care of yourself, lovely.

      1. perianwen +19

        Awww, look at Voldycakes, trying to hug. ha!

        (I <3 that ghost one, though)

      1. randomphone +20

        Seconding the Hiddlehugs. This should be your week of triumph, and here it is ending so sadly. I’m so sorry.

    11. Social +19

      Been thinking of you all morning, and hope you have someone who will take tender care of you this weekend. Please come see us on Monday. (((hugs if wanted)))

    14. ToTheIsLand +36

      We love you here! Especially if the fact that we all instantly thought to ourselves “CleverManka’s time has come! Bring on the gifs!” when that Tom Hiddleston article posted yesterday is anything to go by.

      1. inkwashed +13

        yes indeed! I was delighted so much by how universal that sentiment was.

        <3 <3 <3, clever manka.

    16. tidepool +17

      Take care of yourself. You’ve done a ton yourself to make this community so nice 🙂

    17. Merripat +50

      Oh Manka. Maybe you’ve turned off your notifications and won’t read this, but I just wanted to say that to me, you are one of the people who are The Toast. I wanted to thank you for being part of what makes this place so special and for every gif ever that you sent my way.
      Be well <3

    19. best_frith +12

      Awww, me too. Bad day, bad week bad news. Now to cry in the bathroom at work again.

    21. Heathered +11

      I hope when you come back that you feel the love here and realize it doesn’t end in July. I for one plan to learn how to do GIFness now, which is probably going to be a bloodbath, but I want to take lots of Toast-specific seeds and dandelion them around going forward. That one’s yours. I’m not a hugger but here are some awkward pats: /// ///

        1. Heathered +8

          Well, I do historically cry through this entire cartoon, so we’re right on track here!

    22. bookwormV +10

      <3 Fistbump of not-coping-well solidarity. I was in a pretty bad state all last night.

      I love that dog gif. That dog is living its best life.

    24. godisråttan +2

      I don’t know you, but I really hope you feel better soon. I think that may have been the worst Friday the 13th ever!

    6. tkired +3

      thanks for that. also, that was some great camerawork, following peoples reactions in the crowd.

  5. deleted1892326 +107

    So some of us over on twitter had thrown around the idea of a toast!con/retreat thing. So far our only firm plan is that we will rent out a lodge somewhere in the Utah/Denver area and have a lovely relaxing time getting to know one another in person. There might be talks, crafts, hikes; there will certainly be lots of love. Stay tuned for updates (in the open threads to come and via @Toast_Con on twitter), and if you’d like to join our planning huddle, here’s the google group! https://groups.google.com/forum/#!forum/toast-con…

    p.s. find me at my personal twitter @liz_the_lemur. <3 <3 to everyone.

    1. amanita +23

      INTERESTING. My feelings about vacations and meeting new people are in a collision with the desire to meet all your faces!

      1. dorianneemmerton +9

        Yeah, I posted ion the Toronto Toasties Facebook group similarly – I’ve never met any of them IRL and I loathe bunches of new people at once, but.. but… I wanna mourn together, in person, face to face.

        I have a history of making friends through the internet that turn into meat friends, but the primary site for that turned into a steaming pile of not-even-compostable garbage. At least this place won’t do that.

    3. Household_Opera +5

      ToastCon! I would do that! (depending on timing, of course, but I would make time for it if planning happened far enough in advance). I just followed the Twitter!

    5. geekcrackteam +14

      A US based retreat might be beyond me, but I would be so in to a Europe based retreat if there’s anyone interested in a splinter group?

      I have had a bottle of rose at this point, but I am a producer and would gladly support in organising!! (Sober me will regret this, but I will commit to drunk Selma’s offering.)

        1. geekcrackteam +3

          I haven’t even given it a second of thought. I think it would be a matter of numbers, I’d say up to 10ppl you could get away with renting a holiday home somewhere in southern Europe and just doing a group retreat (I’d prefer more rural retreat to convention) where we just have planned group activities based on the skills/interests of members of the group. You’d need 20+ to even start thinking about inviting speakers/facilitators in order to make it some what affordable for attendees and cost effective.

          Eastern Europe is beautiful and affordable, so maybe somewhere there?

          1. walteredwardgo +3

            Yeah, Eastern Europe is a good shout if we get big numbers. I think a retreat sounds more like a Toast Thing, than a convention, as well. Even just having a Europe wide Toastie meet up would be good.

            Next week in OT, I can try to be on time and post to get a vague feel for numbers? I joined the general ToastCon group, in case it sounds so tempting I want to spend my whole holiday budget on going to America for the Toast. I will help you organise, especially since you’re drunk now, but I have not got experience beyond general being-organised-ness.

      4. Slugs +5

        This is a great idea – if anyone is (like me) perpetually low on funds + time and stuck in northern england I know a delightful valley where some committed hippies live, and you can stay there and go swimming in the river and meet some very bolshy chickens. I’d really like to meet anyone local!

    7. Dysphonica +1

      hey that’s where I live

      that’s where I LIVE

      I HALP

      (application to group: submitted)

    8. CleverManka +2

      My vacation time is minimal right now, but if I can, yes yes yes! I’m afraid I can’t help with organization, but I would love to attend.

  6. Nicole +29

    Agent Carter and The Toast are no more in the same week. I don’t know if I can handle this.

    1. okelay +4

      and faking it was cancelled. katherine dunn died. james mcavoy and annie marie duff are divorcing. hell of a week.

  7. angrypedestrian +329

    I have a sad over The Closing, obviously, BUT

    Yesterday was my 3 years on testosterone, and I bought myself beer and fancy ice cream and went to a show. A lot of days aren’t great for a lot of reasons, but yesterday was good, and a good reason to stick around.

  9. ppyajunebug +107

    THERE IS A SLACK GROUP FORMING

    IF YOU ARE INTERESTED PLEASE EMAIL PPYAJUNEBUG AT GMAIL DOT COM

    I WILL GIVE YOU MORE INFO THERE

    MY TWITTER IS ABOUT TO MELT DOWN

    PLEASE SEND HELP

      1. Theo_Winterwood +23

        Question seconded. (Admission: The only places I actually existed on the internet were basically here and my Tumblr, so I am very new to how anything else works. But find myself suddenly very willing to find out.)

      2. sarawr +22

        Question thirded. I would like to continue horning in on this community but I don’t understand kids today with their techno-whatsits and hyper-lingos.

      3. dakimel +16

        https://slack.com is a kind of meeting place – I guess it was started for back-channel talks at work or something? I dunno, I’m all “look, I just found my stash of Betamax tapes!” old myself.

        Anyway, you can be on a group / team and there are ‘channels’ so you can categorize your chats in various ways, and upload / share files and so forth.

      4. chiaroscuromom +44

        Yes thank you, all these young person communication channels … why, when I was a young person we had 300 baud dial-up internet and even Netscrape hadn’t been invented yet, and WE LIKED IT.

        1. larsgarvey +9

          I remember getting AOL hours in the mail. I think my mom’s AOL email (which she still uses…) is like one of the first 100 AOL email addresses ever. My parents did business consulting with them way, way back in the day.

      5. kamala +3

        Slack is an discussion board / chat room, it’s pretty anonymous, don’t worry about the usernames because they can be changed, and also they can be different for each slack group you join.
        So just join and chat and flail with us.
        Go to Slack.com for more info.
        Thanks for setting this up, ppyajunebug !

      6. seasleepy +15

        If you are an Old Internet, you may remember IRC. Slack is basically IRC But With Inline GIFs And Also It’s A Webapp Now. (Like IRC it is also popular in work environments for certain sectors because it is a quick way to chat if you have distributed folks and you can have robots tell you when things happen eg a site is broken or someone has added new code.)

        1. chiaroscuromom +14

          I almost put IRC in my message, but who except Old Internet People knows IRC?

          Do I really need a different username/password for every slack channel in which I participate? That seems … unwieldy. Surely I’m misunderstanding?

          1. flying_ghoti +5

            The only thing I remember from my dissolute IRC youth is /trout.

            (Well, and very, very slowly downloading MP3s from sketchy fileserver bots pre-Napster.)

          2. seasleepy +3

            Each channel doesn’t need a different u/p but they have it set up so you do need one for each “organization” (whatever goes in front of “.slack.com”). So I had a slack login already because I have my own personal slack for messing around with bots, but I need a separate login for toastie slack. (You can also set up private channels inside there but it’s just an invite-only thing, it’s not a separate password.)

      7. viviennestreet +6

        QUESTION

        It’s asking me for my name and for a username. How do people usually identify themselves? Where does the username get used?

        1. phoebeblue +4

          Same problem here, I can’t get the dratted app tp let me sign in for the first time.

        2. onehundredthjen +6

          So you need to get invited by ppyajunebug (who is currently super swamped with requests). Email her (her username at gmail dot com), get invited, and then she’ll give you the password to the group. You set up your own username but use the group password.

          1. viviennestreet +4

            Oh no, I got invited!  I’m trying to register, and am not sure whether I want to use my real name, or how everyone else is identifying themselves.

          4. PickledOkra +2

            She sent me the name and password, but when I “search for my team” it says that there are no groups that I’ve “already joined or are allowed to join.” Does that mean that she just hasn’t added me to the group yet? I’m guessing she is overwhelmed at the moment and just hasn’t added everyone yet- wanted to make sure I’m not a complete dumbdumb!

          5. onehundredthjen +5

            Hmmm I am not sure! It sounds like we’ve kind of temporarily crashed Slack, and they aren’t letting new members be added. Not sure if you’re caught up in that, or if you just haven’t been added yet. Maybe check back later today?

    3. geekcrackteam +10

      Ugh I cannot seem to do slack. I have one for work, and using it with two different emails is just proving too much for me. I tried with the ADD group but I kept forgetting to check it and then when I did I was completely lost in the convo.

    6. unleavings +11

      Slack is blocking us from sending new invites and I have taken over the invite email, so y’all are getting autoresponses at the moment. Watch this thread for updates once this thing gets figured out.

    7. unleavings +10

      Slack is behaving itself again. (who’s a good website? You are!), but the flow of invitations may be slow, due to work and other unreasonable constraints.

    8. swordsnspindles +3

      What is a slack group, and will it mean I can keep my Toasties around? If yes, count me in.

    9. happysadcat +8

      Thank you for the invite I will now offer papayas to every junebug I see which are not many as I live in the PNW but with climate change who the fuck knows

      /archy

  10. fishesinthetwee +91

    Hey Toasties – I’m not always good at replying to comments because I get busy and overwhelmed. But a lot of you have given me EXCELLENT advice about writing, and excellent advice about Becoming A Same-Sex Parent. I just thought today was a good day to say thank you, so so much. <3

    1. fishesinthetwee +28

      Now I’m thinking – well jeez, if you can’t make an eternal business empire out of a website that really rings the bell for 30-something unpublished lesbian authors, the advertising bubble must REALLY be busting.

  11. celtadri +80

    I feel slightly as though Prince and Bowie just died again, right now, so it’s a good thing I have a riding lesson so I can go hug my horse. Oh Toasties. You are all so special and great.

    1. geekcrackteam +24

      Horse hugs fix everything. And now I’m sad I don’t have a horse neck to cry into.

      1. Smoomin

        You are a London Toastie. Whither other London Toasties? Can we virtually group hug in the same time zone?

    2. waderockett +30

      I also feel slightly as though Prince and Bowie just died again, and also that if I’d just bought more of their records they’d still be alive.

  12. dancingbees99 +149

    After years of reading, I had JUST started commenting. I HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO SAY/SNARK ON.

    1. dido_and_zdenka +23

      I know! I’m a less long time reader than you, but all the same, I was just getting started with commenting and joining in, and now…… *literally curls up under duvet with chocolate*

    4. Khoshekh +37

      Same! I assumed there would be more time to ease into commenting. I took it for granted! *Big Yellow Taxi plays in the distance*

    6. katerkins +19

      Me too! The Toast is the only place I comment and now I feel like an internet orphan

    7. Smoomin +12

      This is the only place I comment, I’m so bad at modern life. It was bad enough with the Hairpin. What to do now…?

    8. geekcrackteam +32

      Maybe it’s naïve of me, but I was really looking forward to sharing so much of my life with The Toast community. I just never thought that it might end.

      This is such a beautiful bunch of people and ye are so supportive, I wanted you all to be there with me when I eventually do things like buy a house or get married (hetero capitalist norms are embedded in me. I can’t help it)

    9. katenepveu +11

      I feel like Gerald in the meta one of the Elephant and Piggie books, when he realizes the book’s almost over and protests: “I have more to give! More words! More jokes! More ‘bananas’!”

      (If you need picture books for whatever reason and don’t know Mo Willems, do.)

    10. squiderella +6

      Me too! I am the Eternal Lurker, and was getting ready to start commenting.

  13. GreenGrasses +186

    Theo is very sad that the Toast is closing – he may be new to the community but he appreciates how you all seem to consider him a “good boy.”

    This is a picture I took of him where he looks like a grumpy old man.

    We had a DISASTROUS vet visit the other week (he peed, he pooped, he tried to bite the tech, he was scared out of his mind) so that wasn’t great. But! The vet did say that she thinks he’s mostly Chesapeake Bay Retriever, which I think is pretty cool!

    1. whollyword +15

      Oh, Theo. I know how you feel about vets.

      You have very soft looking neck fluff, so there’s that.

    2. fishesinthetwee +21

      That is obviously a Very Good Boy, despite the bad day at the vet. I used to do some vet tech work though, and none of that’s out of the ordinary!

      I wish the dog DNA tests were less pricey. I’m always so interested in how when you mix a few things here and there, you end up leaving the concept of a breed behind and getting back to Dog: Archetype A (pointy ears) and Archetype B (floofy ears). 🙂

      1. GreenGrasses +5

        Me too! I’d love to do the DNA test thing! I know the test can’t get too specific, since of course there’s like a billion breeds, but it’d still be neat to have some Science about him and where he “comes from.”

    3. angrypedestrian +10

      He looks very Chesapeake Bay retriever, which are my favorite, and Theo is a very good boy.

    4. sausagedog +16

      Who’s a good boy?? That’s a good boy. That’s a very very good boy.

    8. adoptraya +7

      I am LOVING this picture of The Handsomest Theo In The Land.

      What I particularly love is that it kind of looks like you Photoshopped the face of a pitbull onto a lab’s head/body.

  14. aravisthequeen +45

    This is a terrible blow to what has been a terrible year. My birthday is Monday. NOT A GREAT ONE. I have a track record of awful birthdays and this is not shaping up well.

    2. aqueousmedium +13

      My birthday is also Monday! Let us raise glasses, sobbing, in each others’ general direction. May the rest of your year shape the hell up.

        1. dancingcorvid +2

          My daughter Alice’s birthday is also the 16th, and she is resolutely ignoring it. she says you may ignore it also, if it is failing to give pleasure or satisfaction.

    3. Merripat +8

      My week (and the last couple of months…) was also terrible and my birthday was yesterday and I also have a history of bad birthdays. Let us hold each other and dream of great and beautiful birthdays.
      I hope Monday will be good, despite everything. Hugs to you.

    4. cinnatron +2

      I too have an awful track record of bad birthdays…mostly involving employers. I recommend moving birthdays to another day.

  15. longlostlullaby +10

    Toasties, can anyone recommend some Kindle books on Amazon that are currently free to download? I borrow library books on Kindle from my mom’s public library, but the selection isn’t very big and I’m not in the US right now and can’t sign up for a library account anywhere else.

    1. leider_hosen +15

      Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging is free, if ridiculous and a little dated, but still a good time.

          1. MopRocks +6

            Do you find your self thinking in the slang, Clockwork Orange style? Every re-read it’s all “marrvy” and “Hamburger-a-go-go” for me. 🙂

    2. ladyimogen +12

      The Duchess War, by Courtney Milan- feminist historical romance with snark and a genius heroine. Many of her others are $0.99, so if you get desperate for more it won’t break the bank!

      1. kamala +5

        I’ve read this series and highly recommend it! The historical women are a bit 21st century feminist, but (a) I realized that the books I grew up with are kinda 90s feminists (compared to the bodice rippers of the 70s), and (b) If my weird, supportive, Asian-American family supports me going into the humanities, and _I_ exist, and _I’m_ awesome and worth writing a book about, why _shouldn’t_ they write a story about a black computer? (Talk Sweetly, Sinister book 4.5)

        1. dancingcorvid +2

          I adore Milan, all of her stuff, and I buy everything so she will keep writing. I am so pleased you exist. Rock on.

    3. MopRocks +9

      Cassanova’s autobiography is free, 1 fafillion pages long and surprisingly engaging.

    4. Givemebackmehat +5

      Stray by Andrea K. Horst- slightly silly but also wonderfully addictive alternate worlds YA fantasy.
      The Wretched of Muirwood by Jeff Wheeler- some stereotypical epic fantasy problems with this one but still an entertaining read.
      Also there’s an email list called Pixel of Ink that sends a daily (I think) email with links to kindle books that are either free or less than $1, I’ve found some good stuff from it.

    5. miss_modular +6

      Charlotte Bronte’s Villette is free. I only read it recently and found it to be a delight!

      1. rebeccalibrarian +3

        ALSO Anne Bronte’s Tenant of Wildfell Hall and Agnes Grey are both free and I finally read these recently and fell in love with Anne’s writing.

        On a related note, a LOT of classics will be free on Kindle if they’re in public domain.

    6. alliana07 +6

      I haven’t read it yet, but When Women Were Warriors came highly recommended to me. It involves women warriors and also lesbians apparently. And Merlin? I don’t know but doesn’t that sound cool?

      1. FeuerroteZora +2

        That DOES sound good! I’m going to check it out. I’m always a sucker for Arthurian stories, even more so if it involves women warriors and a sprinkling of lesbians.

    7. katerkins +4

      You might want to check out Project Gutenberg? I don’t have a Kindle so I don’t know the whole deal, but they have lots of free ebooks that are public domain

      1. catatatatat +1

        girlebooks also has public domain fiction written by women. The public domain ones are free, and they have new books you can pay for.

    8. Maryaed +7

      Others have recommended lots of nineteenth century novels and here are some you might not know about: Orley Farm by Anthony Trollope (forgery case, hunting accidents); No Name by Wilkie Collins (accidental disinheritance, bastardy, flawed heroine bent on revenge); Cranford by Elizabeth Gaskell (all-women town, cats that swallow lace).

      1. damskdrednwhite +2

        If you’re into gothic romance at it’s most overwrought and fainty-est, I highly recommend Anne Radcliffe’s Mysteries of Udolpho, which comes with a bonus endorsement from Jane Austen, since it features heavily in Northanger Abbey

  16. onehundredthjen +133

    I’m having a hard time with this, guys. I found out yesterday that I might be losing my job in a month, but this is actually the thing that is making me cry.

    Anyone got anything comforting to share? I’ve been playing the absolute fuck out of this farming RPG called Stardew Valley. It’s incredibly soothing, and I would just strongly recommend it to everyone in these dark times. I have a chicken named Kylo Hen.

    1. Peanutcheese +25

      That is a top notch chicken name. My sister showed me Stardew valley last weekend – it looks amazing and I fully plan to play it after my exams are done!

      1. onehundredthjen +8

        It is so so so good, but excellent call on not starting it until after your exams are done.

    2. m98widow +12

      I am SO IN on Stardew Valley, but I’m only waiting on one more item (rabbit’s foot) for the community center and then I’m not sure what I’m going to do with myself. My farm is fairly modest but I make a ton of money off of booze, emeralds, truffle oil, cheese, and mayonnaise. I finally realized I could buy a calendar and see whether it was someone’s birthday on my third year, so I’m just now becoming friends with some people. My void chicken is Mordja after one of the demons in the Belgariad.

      1. onehundredthjen +5

        Man I loooooved the Belgariad. An excellent name for a void chicken. Mine is Chardonnay. She is fancy and evil, and I think Kylo Hen respects that about her.

        I finished the community center a little while ago and I’m still enjoying puttering around the farm and having ONE MILLION animals, but I agree that more endgame content would be good.

    3. katmarie13 +6

      Stardew Valley! I have been pining after that game intensely, but I have to wait until they release a version for Mac.

    4. tombstone +14

      I got through finals with the new discovery of Moomins, ( children’s books, 70s stop motion animation http://www.fuzzyfeltmoomins.co.uk/, or different Japanese anime adaptations) a franchise started by a bisexual Finnish illustrator (largely irrelevant but it made me happy to know) and which gathers together everything that is unsettling about folktales and everything that is comforting about Ikea-style utopianism. It may not be for everyone, but darn it if it didn’t help me. There’s also a phone game, Welcome To Moomin Valley, and if anyone decides to check that out my friend code is HEIXPB.

      2. FeuerroteZora +3

        Oh man, Moomins were my favorite when I was a kid. Did not know Tove Jansson was bi, cool to know! Moomins are so fab. I like the Snork Maiden as well. And all of them.

        Might go read one of my old books now. Might be better than comfort food.

      3. Toft +7

        The Moomin books are not afraid to grapple with the darkness of the world and existential dread, especially in the last three books, but even in the face of this darkness they never lose their heart or their essential goodness. That’s what I love about them – they kind of show you how it’s possible to find happiness and hold on to what’s good even when everything is very bleak. It doesn’t feel like escapism, it feels like it’s more about moving forward and getting through stuff. I also recommend them for times like these.

    5. Ivennelluin +6

      Stardew Valley is SO addictive and soothing. I haven’t played it in a couple of weeks. I may have to go back.

      One complaint though: There’s fairly slim pickings for eligible bachelors. Only one of them is a real grown-up. The rest are just bros who live in their parent’s basement. Oh and then there’s weird Fabio guy who lives on the beach?

      1. onehundredthjen +11

        The marriage options are RIDICULOUS! The female characters are all children as well. I was wooing Leah, as she is at least a grown-ass adult, but then I decided I didn’t want any other people (ahem, characters) on my farm.

        I also did not like how the final house upgrade comes with a mandatory nursery (I assume due to the mechanics of the bed). I blocked mine off with a giant bear statue I got from Gunther, so it’s not all bad, but definitely a choice I didn’t care for.

        1. Ivennelluin +8

          In my first game, I wound up wooing and marrying Harvey (the Doctor), because he was by far the least skeevy option. The only benefit of being married is they sometimes water your plants/fix fences/feed the chickens, but they don’t do it often. And now that he’s married, he only sometimes goes to work. WHAT ARE YOU DOING ALL DAY DUDE?

          I started a second game and started wooing Penny, because she at least had a job. But yeah, the bachelorettes aren’t any better.

      2. CanuteGoodman +1

        Do they not have jobs? If so that’s especially disappointing when the Harvest Moon/Story of Seansons games have always given the majority of your candidates careers that are often very important to them, (although some of them did just quit when they married you and sat in your house all day.)

        Like the latest has a chef, a perfumer, a farmer, a florist, a gardener and and whatever you call someone who runs an antique shop for your bachelors. And the bachelorettes are a novelist, a farmer, a botanist, a nurse, a park ranger, and a weather girl (Is there a better term than weather girl? Weather woman? Storm technician?)

        And their jobs are important to them and the events in which you get to know them. I’m super pleased people are making more HM farming sim style games but if I’m gonna have to rule out like 90 percent of the marriage candidates because they don’t work (the sitting around inside my house ALL DAY really weirds me out; I always avoided the HM candidates who did that) it’s kind of annoying.

    6. foxinthe_snow +2

      I’ve been playing SimCity but it’s kind of terrible only I can’t stop. My boyfriend made me download Hearthstone so I’ve mostly been losing at that for the last week (only I beat him twice HAH).

      1. onehundredthjen +4

        Oh man I got sucked into SimCity a little while ago. I only made it out when I cheated so hard there was nothing left to really do in my city (I always cheat at Sims games, not sorry)

          1. onehundredthjen +3

            Okay actually now that I think about it, I was finally able to quit SimCity because I was spending real money on it, because I couldn’t figure out how to cheat. Dealbreaker.

    7. alliana07 +5

      Gosh I feel you. We’re on tenderhooks with layoffs at my job (it’s definitely happening, but the ‘when’ keeps getting pushed back and the ‘who’ is unknown), so this on top of that had me crying (or trying not to cry) at my desk for a good hour this morning.

      1. onehundredthjen +4

        Ooooof dude that sucks. Being in that murky unknown is sooo hard. In solidarity with the desk crying.

        1. alliana07 +5

          It really really is. The worst is they KNOW who is on the list to layoff but aren’t telling anyone, and we’ve known they know for over a month and a half now, which is bs. But ugh, yeah. State jobs, not always so great.

          Solidarity to you, too, though! <3

    8. Thujaplicata +32

      Kylo Hen! I was proud of Yolko Ono, but Kylo Hen is so much better.
      I adore Stardew Valley, I just made it through my first year and am ramping up for a second year of planting all the things!

      1. onehundredthjen +16

        YOLKO ONO is such a great name! I want to hear the rest of your animal names.

      2. Amberlyza +8

        YOU PEOPLE WITH YOUR AMAZING CHICKEN NAMES. Creatively-bankrupt me just kept hitting refresh on the auto-name generator until I got one that made me laugh. I want a RL chicken named Turt or Pratsley.

  17. figwiggin +67

    Well! It’s hard to follow that bombshell, but let’s try.

    Would anybody like to participate in THE VERY LAST Toastie mix CD swap?

    Just email me at (figwiggin)at(gmail)dot(com) with your name/username, mailing address, whether you’re willing to ship internationally, and any info you’d like your swap partner to have (ie “make me a mixtape about Dirtbag Teens” or “I hate Eddie Vedder” etc.), and another Toastie (Marina) and I will hook you up with a swap partner and you’ll get a cool mix CD from a cool Toastie in the mail!

    Even if you think you’re not “good at mixtapes,” it’s a lot of fun! And not to get sappy, but it’s a wonderful thing to remember everybody by. I treasure mine.

    3. 1sic1 +4

      Please sign up, I’m unemployed and very very bored! Helping figwiggin match you guys up will give me something to do.

      1. Nerterology +3

        Yeah, same question here. I like coming up with playlists and mix CDs, but most of my local friends have already heard my entire music library and no longer require my services… so I’d be happy to join in if there’s room for a complete Internet stranger.

    5. thequietrevolution +4

      I’m not a “real” Toastie — dedicated lurker, infrequent commenter — but I’d love to play if you need more participants.

    6. sausagedog +6

      GASP YES.
      I complain to my SO maybe once a week about how I have no outlet for my AMAZING MIX CD PROWESS anymore and this is PERFECT.

    9. alula_auburn +1

      I e-mailed! This sounds super fun. I love making mixes and coming up with weird themes for them.

    10. hlmorris85 +2

      Just the other day I was lamenting the absence of new mixtapes in my life. I’ll be emailing you once I get home from work!

    11. Mrs_Peel +2

      I would be happy to, if there’s somebody out there who just wants opera or jazz!

    12. bonetailor +2

      I emailed you! I’m so excited to be part of this. I’m sorry I got on board with the Toast so late, but I’ve enjoyed every minute that I’ve been here. I love that things like this have been born out of this community. <3

    14. Earthgirl07 +1

      I haven’t done one of these since I was on the PhD comics Phorum. (Any Phorum exiles here??)

    18. hey_smalls +1

      EMAILING YOU NOW.

      I’m really going to enjoy decorating the CD case too. I haven’t gift-swapped with Toasties before, so I might as well do it now before it’s too late (SAD).

  18. kamala +52

    Oh my goodness, I opened twitter and _you guys are trending_. And then everyone was saying stuff about The Toast and was like what’s going on? Most comments were about how you were a publication that let them write honestly about X. Like trauma or homoerotic trek. 🙂 And how wonderful you were to write for. You are getting a _lot_ of love from your writers on Twitter. You’ve been a wonderful place to fangirl and flail. I’m so bummed that Jane Dough and Mary Sue went wonky and now y’all are closing. Sad sad sad.

    I propose we start a thread of everyone’s top Toast hits and faves!

      1. FeuerroteZora +28

        If Charlie Potato Hashbrowns doesn’t come join the new subreddit or some other toastcrumb community I don’t know what I’ll dooooooo.

        1. swordsnspindles +7

          Good to know there’s a subreddit. I feel like we should collect all the info on toastcrumb communities in one place so people don’t lose each other.

    3. katerkins +21

      One of things I’m going to miss most is the Charlie Potato Hashbrowns updates in the LR

  20. bocadelperro +107

    Catherine Dunn dies yesterday and now this. If you need me, I’m in my office, wistfully drinking coffee and wondering why everything good doesn’t last.

    Here, have this loveliness. I hope it cheers you up some:
    ''

      1. bocadelperro +19

        I really hope somebody with lots of space and no allergies adopts the whole family.

    2. TheasyPeasy +112

      Oh my GAWD. Thirteen black cats is the perfect description of something being too witches.

    4. tombstone +38

      Black cats are too witches for competition; only cooperation allowed. A Metaphor From The Toast.

    5. coloredlights +19

      Holy shit that’s amazing.

      Also, that is one brave foster person, to take in 11 practically identical kittens (plus two adults)! I’ve had five non-identical kittens before and that was hard enough!

    6. builtahouse +4

      DOES THIS MEAN YOU’RE AN ASHEVILLE TOASTIE AND DO WE HAVE A GROUP? 😀

      (yes the cats are lovely)

      1. bocadelperro +3

        I’m not, I live in California. I got this from an ex- ashvillian, current Baltimorian, whom I adore.

        Asheville is great, though! I’m sure there are more of you.

      2. gentlehangovers +7

        Brother Wolf! My parents volunteer there! (I am not in Asheville, though, but I love it there)

    7. tidepool +6

      Wait Katherine Dunn of Geek Love? That’s one of the most extraordinary novels ever written, and also a personal favorite. Today is a sad day.

      1. bocadelperro +35

        A family/coven of 13 lesbian black cats. It’s like a Toast starter kit.

        1. radcatlady +18

          Let’s find them a home in an independent bookstore and make it our mothership

  21. whollyword +3

    Concerts this weekend! Anyone else up for talking about performances they are in / preparing for?

    1. angrypedestrian +4

      Not upcoming, but I saw Hop Along last night in DC. And they were fantastic, but the part of the crowd I was in was GARBAGE. Two bros right in front of me talked about basketball the whole time and I was the only person I could see in my vicinity singing along. Hop Along is so great, pay attention to them terrible audience people!

      1. whollyword +2

        I’m glad the show was great, and sorry about the bros. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE.

    2. SmrtCookie +3

      I have my last concert of the season this weekend! So happy to have my Sundays and Mondays free for a few months! Slightly worried because one of the pieces opens with me. By myself. With a guest conductor. And it did not go well the 1 time we tried it…

      Do you have concerts coming up?

      1. whollyword +1

        All the best to you, SmrtCookie! I have faith in you.

        Our first of three concerts was last night, and it went all right. I think everything on the first half was as good as it’s been, or better. There were some rough patches in the second half, but we recovered quickly.

        One of the pieces we’re doing is a setting of “Double Double, Toil and Trouble,” and it is what I think of when anyone talks about being TOO WITCHES. There is a recording of it– not by us– here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vb2CztjV9VU

        And I’m with you on fantasizing about how I am going to spend the unaccustomed free time.

        1. gentlehangovers +2

          Oh I didn’t know you were in SF! I am busy this weekend unfortunately, otherwise I would totally come to your concert. My music season is over until August.

          1. whollyword +1

            I was going to say, when your next concert cycle rolls around, drop a note in an Open Thread– I want to support local ensembles if I can– and then I remembered the news of the day. 🙁

          2. gentlehangovers +2

            I know 🙁 But you can join the Bay Area channel in the toast slack group and we can talk about it there!

    3. OrchidMontnegro +2

      Grimes at 9:30 Club!! Looking forward to bouncing away my Toast/Peggy blues

    4. Vertabros +2

      I’m going to see Brand New in June by myself (as I usually do) and I’m so excited even if I’m going to cry the entire time.

  22. gclouts +44

    But also Galavant! Which was just such a joyous and obviously lovingly created show!

      1. Iris

        ME TOOO. I’m glad we got to see Tad Cooper in his glory but there was so much more to tell and sing and experience!

        …And Peggyyyyyy! I will miss her so!

        AND the Toast. I just can’t handle life right now.

        1. Owlmouse +2

          WHAT WILL BECOME OF MADALENA??? WILL GARETH AND SID FIND HER? WILL SHE BE EVIL INCARNATE AT THAT POINT? WHO IS SUPER DARK LORD MENTOR? Tune in never to find out more.

    2. gclouts +9

      And the Grinder! Which same as above, was joyful, smart, funny, and created by incredibly talented people who clearly loved it. So many great things were canceled yesterday and none of them deserved it.

    3. angrypedestrian +12

      And also The Muppets! Which I thought was really good, and made me laugh at least a few times an episode. Was it perfect? No, but it was moving in the right direction. I feel like people were being too precious about The Muppets and really refused to give it a try.

      I am also sad there will be no more Tad Cooper.

      1. walrathem +6

        I love everything about Gloria Estevan. And I follow Uncle Deadly on Twitter but it needs work.

    5. the_slapdash +9

      “Secret Mission” will forever be one of my favourite things in the history of television!

    6. goonerkate +13

      Losing Galavant, Agent Carter, and The Toast in one day is JUST TOO MUCH.

    7. TheRenleigh +9

      Right? I’d gotten used to the Golden Age of Television Where Nothing Is Cancelled and Everything Is Renewed and then Hannibal got cancelled and then Agent Carter AND Galavant AND The Grinder AND The Muppets (and Grandfathered, but I’m not as heartbroken about that one). Ugghhhhhhhhh.

  23. kamala +8

    Hey, under this thread– post your favorite Toast articles of all time! Any hidden gems? What’s in your bookmarks from Toast? What do you always forward to people?

    2. sunfastrose +3

      Way too many to list…but offhand

      President Fitzgerald Grant of Scandal Does The Crossword Puzzle – http://the-toast.net/2014/03/14/president-fitzger…

      The kitten saga – http://the-toast.net/2015/05/19/i-have-got-to-cat… and http://the-toast.net/2015/05/20/i-cotched-myself-…

      Owls (duh) – http://the-toast.net/2016/04/21/owl-faces-in-orde…

      The Biggest Problem Facing Feminism Today – http://the-toast.net/2014/09/24/biggest-problem-f…

      And not an article but a comment that became my Skype mood message:
      “It is well known that the Pilgrims came to and conquered this land armed only with their wits, their resourcefulness, and a five-gallon jar of marshmallow fluff. “

  24. Christina +6

    Toasties,

    I post again, with increased urgency and fire. I’m moving to LA this summer and I want to get a jump on the Making Friends thing. Is there a fb or google group or something for Toast ladies? You can tweet at me too @ super_christina! Let’s be bff.

    1. Linabobeena +2

      There is, as of last week, I think. Heathered can invite you – hopefully she sees this.

    2. Mags

      I have never commented on the Toast but I read it religiously and have so appreciated the comments/commenters over the years. And, I recently moved to LA and am also looking for friends! How can I get on this fb/google group/making toast friends IRL?

  25. Heathered +38

    I guess it’s some consolation that I’ve never seen Agent Carter and thus am not grieving two things simultaneously. That’s as close to the bright side as I can get at the moment…but I definitely do want a tote bag (the one with the ship on it!) so please don’t sell out before then. <3

      1. Heathered +1

        Oh, I can’t help you, being in Northern California, but check out the reddit thing that’s going on–I think all the groups are listed there. Good luck!

    2. Rillquiet +58

      Congrats to Microsoft for making a bra that there is a built-in reason to burn! Truly, we live in a golden age.

      1. Peanutcheese +33

        The future is now!

        Personally I’m looking forward to the invention of a handbag that negs me every day, and a toilet that reminds me to call my mother.

    3. tombstone +42

      As a CS student I can only promise you that when I become The Only Woman In The Room where an idea like this is floated, I will burn the idea with my eyes and then drop it out of a window.

      1. Nashirakins +13

        COSIGNED.

        I’m not expecting to job hunt for at least six months, but have been working on my Only Womanish Person plans for a year now.

      2. RsDeathGlare +1

        As a prior-CS-student and now software engineer, I just want to say WELCOME HI I’M SO EXCITED YOU’RE HEEEEERE

    4. whollyword +32

      If my clothing could sense stress levels and, I don’t know, maybe do something soothing, I’d be down with that.

      Where is the clothing that will generate holograms of silly dogs in response to cortisol spikes? Whisper “You’re going to be okay. You’ve got this” in the voice of Captain Picard? Turn into rubber so that slings and arrows bounce off?

      I don’t have the stress-eating instinct. I have a stress-not-eating instinct, which does not fucking help matters– low blood sugar improves neither my judgment nor my resilience. But also, I think it’s crap to neg someone out of a coping strategy without supplying a different strategy that actually works for them. YOU ARE NOT A LIFE COACH, BRA.

      1. AmyEntropy +13

        I went to a talk once by a guy who’d invented an electronic tie, it could display photos and messages. Useless sure, but cool. I’d wear one. Unlike this.

        1. Peanutcheese +17

          This reminds me of the website ‘WTF is your wearable strategy’ (it was a comedy randomiser that’s now closed down but there’s still a twitter https://twitter.com/wtfimws), all ideas infinitely better than this bra:

          A WATCHSTRAP THAT WARMS UP WHEN YOU FORGET TO TURN THE OVEN OFF

          JUMPER THAT THROBS WHEN YOU FALL ASLEEP ON THE NIGHTBUS

          PAIR OF SHOES THAT GLISTENS WHEN YOU NEED TO GET MORE TEABAGS

          1. whollyword +17

            “PAIR OF SHOES THAT GLISTENS WHEN YOU NEED TO GET MORE TEABAGS”

            OMG let me give someone money for this one.

          2. RandomCrouton +7

            Wait is it glisten like sparkles? Or like you’d just be staring at your shoes (in your caffeine-deprived state!) thinking “why are my shoes so greasy??”

          3. Hadrosaur +8

            A sports bra that politely shouts encouragement (but not in an obnoxious way, only when you want encouragement) and plays uplifting music when you exercise.

          4. bookwormV +2

            On the (UK) Apprentice last year one team designed a jacket with solar panels on the shoulders “so you could charge your phone”. They were covered by fabric, making it useless as well as ugly. Wearable tech! So entertaining.

      2. Peanutcheese +18

        This is so true – wouldn’t it just stress you out more? SHUTTUP BRA YOU’RE NOT MY MOM.

        Those dog holograms would be amazing; maybe it could project videos of unlikely animal friendships onto the nearest wall or something, but maybe not ‘Hmm you seem stressed, better not eat any ice cream.’

        1. Unreadaethel +11

          Or “you seem stressed, here is a hologram of a dog that is excited to see you.”

    5. rhymeswitheight +25

      Why wouldn’t it sense stress levels and then DELIVER me the food I want to stress-eat?? Really a missed opportunity, honestly.

    6. MsKateKane +8

      I misread overeat as overHeat and first was confused how that would even work, and then I thought of the IT Crowd episode where the prototype bra spontaneously bursts into flame… and then I was just hoping this bra would burst into flame.

  28. Sexytimesquestion +21

    Posting from a more anonymous account due to the sexy nature of my question. Does anyone have any experience with threesomes? MMF specifically, but anything relevant in general. I’m currently dating a bi man and we’re planning on probably having a threesome with another bi guy I’ve casually slept with a few times. I’ve never had a threesome before but I’m very excited. Any tips? Stories? Things that we should make sure to discuss beforehand? I’ve had sex with both of them separately before so they’re both relatively familiar with what I like.

    Any erotica suggestions involving threesomes of any kind are also welcome, though not necessarily related to the question above.

    1. leaping_rabbit +41

      Yes, but the ones I’ve been involved with have all been of the FFM variety. Honestly, my biggest tip is to stay hydrated.

    2. dorianneemmerton +8

      oooo, threesomes are such fun! and I’m jealous, I have had not as much bi men in my life. it sounds like you’re pretty well set up and don’t need much advice. Obviously if you have any big dislikes or boundaries it’s good to discuss that beforehand (theirs as well, of course.) Which acts you intend to use barriers for is a good thing to talk about. Um, don’t be afraid to tap out and just get a drink and watch them for a bit if you need (sometimes your nerve ending can get a bit overwhelmed.)

      Not to toot my own horn, but here’s the page with my erotica: https://dorianneemmerton.wordpress.com/work-2/ero…

      High School Was Ages Ago and Road Work and both threesomes (FFM and MF-FtM) but the latter was published in a magazine, not online. High School is online for free though.

    3. SwitchingGenres +11

      I love love love mmf threesomes. Hmm, no real advice, just have fun!

    4. lemonadefish +10

      Yes, only once in that specific combo, but many other combos have been had… The biggest logistical problem (apart from clearly communicating desires etc whatever) is all the damn knees and elbows everywhere.

      It is entirely possible for three people to kiss all at once. Double penetration requires very complicated positioning. If you don’t have a king bed, two mattresses on the floor can be nice!

      Have fun!

    5. danceintrees +9

      omg so fun! I recommend doing your best to make sure no one is getting sidelined for too long- that’s when hurt feelings start to bubble up. It’s surprisingly easy to let happen, when you’re enjoying one really great thing that one person is doing. also, definitely ask for what you want and ask the others what they want. communication is key.

      so is laughing. 🙂

    7. Dysphonica +4

      Ooh, lucky duck! All I have for you is this: if you sleep three to the bed, it’ll get really hot in a really unsexy way, so doff the blankets accordingly. Have fun!

  29. geekcrackteam +39

    I’m still on the verge of crying again btw.

    In other news I’ve nearly landed a new job; its an awesome agency and there’s a mutual desire for me to work there, but they’ve decided that the role I applied for is too junior and I’ll get bored (clearly they get me.) and that my attitude and experience would be better suited for a bigger role on a different client. Which sounds awesome, except said role doesn’t quite exist yet, so they’re having internal discussions about where I should go and when that might be. It could be great (more challenging role in a company that really wants me, potentially more money), but it could also get dragged out and then disappear.

    Best case they give me a job offer for a job that starts in a 1-3 months and I can accept, quit my job and freelance at other things for the summer with some security. Worst case they say ‘call us in September’ and I have to bin them off and start looking again.

    I’m also getting obsessed with Whats Next. I need my next big goal, and at the moment I think that is to travel (After a year or more at a new job to save up) and work somewhere in some kind of adventurous horse job; like, for example, a horse safari guide in Africa. I’ve found a place that’s recruiting exactly that and my experience level would be ok for it (I’d have to sell it, but I could get the job) and its taking all of my will power not to apply right now. I need to wait and save up and plan and then go and commit to at least a year. I’m also not interested in working for free/paying to volunteer, I don’t mind low pay, but I refuse to work for just board, so that throws WWOOFing and such out the window, but I’m alright with that.

    Tell me your stories of wild adventures Toasties! Has anyone worked in the Bush in Africa? or as a trail guide in the mountains somewhere? Anyone ever been a cowboy?

    1. celtadri +2

      Oh wow, so it’s several days after you posted this, but I’m so curious what level of experience you need to be confident in applying to African horse guide jobs. (I know the level is “way above mine,” but I’m still just curious how in god’s name that would work, and I want you to write a blog about it or something.) (Someday, when you do it.)

      1. geekcrackteam +1

        Don’t worry, I’m constantly thinking about this now, so will talk at length about it at any chance. (I re watched Long Way Down over the weekend just to get a bit of Woo Africa.).

        Are you familiar with British Horse Society qualifications? The job I’m looking at has specified around a Stage 4 experience, which is pretty experience. I definitely have the knowledge, I just never got around to taking the last few exams (got up to stage 2 just like everyone else!). Experience wise, I took lessons as a kid, got a horse at a teen and spent 3 years as a professional groom/rider, grooming for upper level riders and working young horses and re-training my own ex-racehorse, so my competitive experience is pretty small, but I’ve ridden a lot of young/weird horses and would be pretty confident getting up on any reasonably trained horse and getting something decent out of them. What I lack is teaching experience/qualifications, but that’s only because it wasn’t a priority for me when I was working in the horse industry and I’m enough of a blow hard that I could sell it and just learn on the job.

        From what I can tell looking at Africa jobs and US based dude ranch stuff, apart from that these horse jobs are in pretty high demand, is that you do need to be pretty experienced, you’d need to be confident in your own riding that you can take anything thrown at you in the bush on any horse you might be riding (so not necessarily competition experience, but stickability and ability to ride through what ever happens), plus being able to stay calm and coach the people in your group out of tricky situations (IME you can have anything from very competent riders down to ‘first-time-on-a-horse’ on a ride out, sometimes in the same group and you need to be able to keep them all happy and safe). If you were someone who had confidence issues around riding (especially around open spaces, spooking, or going fast), which is really really common, then it wouldn’t be for you, you’d be better off just paying to go on a safari or riding holiday, you’d have a lot more fun because then you’re not in charge and the ride guides are there to help you out.

        And a large part of the job isn’t necessarily riding, its all the horse care and management that goes on around it; it seems there’s a variety in the jobs about weather you’re on your own caring for the herd or in a team; but to be of any use you’d have to be good with basic horse care, and a bit imaginative to adapt ‘standard’ practices to the bush/ranch life.

        I’ve done everything from sole-care of my own yard with 2 horses, to yard manager of a 10 horse showjumping barn, to groom at a 30-40 horse eventing yard; so I’d be pretty confident taking that on, I just have to adapt to the ‘Africa side.’

        I fully intend on doing a blog! I’m waiting on my job change to happen (hopefully soon!) and then Project Africa kicks off with a shit ton of saving! I think its gonna take me about 1-2 years to get it all together if I get a decent job with a good salary and then I have to actually get the job and buy all the gear (ALL THE GEAR. I can’t wait to get some good desert boots.) and visa’s and flights and all that fun. I’d love to start the blog now, but I’m always wary about telling people my goals incase I change my mind or it doesn’t happen, I like to set low expectations and then just be like ‘Boom off to Africa bitches, see you in a year *mic drop*’

  30. hikingforbeer +63

    Such a sad day. I did not comment often but apparently in conversation I would say ‘on my favorite site, The Toast’ so often that over the last year I’ve only had to say ‘on my favorite site’ and everyone knew what I was referring to. Going to miss this place, but am so thankful it existed. Here’s a picture of my dog hanging out with one week old chicks we hatched for smiles. https://www.instagram.com/p/BFWLt7ivGgK/?taken-by…

  31. dakimel +195

    I’ll show you the best thing I read while researching yesterday, because it gave me joy, and we need joy, pronto.

    1. Scared_Vagina +12

      Love it.
      I will now be thinking of Dorothy when I wear my own giant parrot earrings.

    7. bookwormV +1

      Sayers seemed to just wear whatever she liked and ignore what everyone else thought. It’s admirable.

  33. OliviaPJones +130

    Toasts, I don’t know what to do right now. The Toast is a very special place, safe in a way that nowhere else on the internet feels safe, and with a warm, welcoming community. I know we have a month and a half left to say goodbye, but I am so so sad right now. Even though I totally get it and know that financially, this website actually lasted much longer than was sustainable. I really wish I was making more than 10K a year right now so that I could have started contributing lots of money to this wonderful website.

    1. Smoomin +19

      I feel the same. I feel like if I was a better person, I’d try to do something that would help to fill the gap. But I can already see how consuming this thing would be.

      So many props to Nicole and Mallory and Nicole and and everyone who has written here – to make such a welcoming breath of fresh air where I felt included and catered for and often not catered for but that was cool because it was for someone else that needed it and I learned something very worthwhile anyway.

      What will I snicker at and randomly quote to my husband as I half ignore him of an evening now?

      1. speakingofcake +2

        Snickering at and quoting the Toast to benign partners who don’t mind being temporarily neglected is a wonderful activity.

    2. jackan7 +4

      I love your description. I have said that there is less hate here than anywhere else on the web, but your words are better.

  34. Sagerenee +4

    Steam Toasties! Come drink our sorrows at The Steampunk Worlds Fair in Piscataway,NJ this weekend. A group of friends is having a “tea” party Saturday from 4-9 in the Addison courtyard

  35. Katiezog +78

    Oh Toasties, I am so sad. I saw the post an immediately checked to see if it was april 1st, even though I knew we are in the middle of May. The hyphen Toast dot Net you have brought me so much joy. I will think on the happy times instead of dwelling on the sadness. I am happy the are going to keep the site up as an archive so we can still read articles. It would be nice if they still posted Friday open threads for us to chat in 🙂

    I have been saving my good news for Friday so here it goes, we met with a local craft jeweler who designed and is currently making my engagement ring!! It is lovely and everything I wanted. Simple and elegant and not encrusted with jewels (not that there is anything wrong with that, just not my style).

    1. sabinabemani +5

      Ooh! Engagement ring! Awesome! Indulge us with further description? (I think we all need good news today.)

        3. larocquen +3

          The jeweler’s daughter in me heartily approves. That’s a unique, beautiful ring.

        4. MopRocks +1

          So pretty! I picked out a similar one with just one bezel set stone, instead of three. Love the gold!

    3. GinnyQ9 +7

      OMG. Is this a safe place for me to go off about how I think all the “popular” rings that are silver and diamond encrusted are so boring without someone feeling like I’m insulting their taste? Because I totally did something similar earlier today, commenting on FB about my issues with gender reveal parties and baby showers, only to have my pregnant sister, whose baby shower I am attending tomorrow, be all like “what’s wrong with baby showers? Don’t you know mom’s throwing me one?” And I had to as tactfully as possible explain that I dislike the gender stereotypes they promote but that doesn’t mean I won’t attend/support friends and family who have them and also of course I know about the sjower, I’m traveling from a state away and my mom told me first.

      Wow. That go away from me. Losing The Toast and Agent Carter and traveling to the next state for 3 brother graduations and my pregnant (younger) sister’s shower for a whirlwind of a weekend are making me seriously upset/anxious.

      Um, anyway, I also got my ring designed by a local craftsman because yay local and also boo popular jewelry, and I love it to death.

      1. Dysphonica +1

        Come sit over here with me! I’m not engaged, but I am apparently obsessive, because I’ve spent *cough* time looking at rings and gemstones and Offbeat Bride. I’m pro-silver (expressly because it makes it easier to pretend I can afford jewelry), but I don’t really care for diamonds, and those rocks are eeeeeeverywhere. I’m curious about your ring, though, if you wanna share!

  36. kittenskittensmeowmeowmeow +30

    I feel awkward posting good news on this somber day, but I would love Toastie feedback: This summer I’ll have (roughly) ten days in Berlin and four days in Prague/Pilsen! What must I see/do/eat when I’m there? I like wandering around, eating and drinking, and seeing cool architecture and weird curiosities. Basically, if a Toastie would be interested in it, I likely would be too. Bonus points for veg-friendly food ideas and low-cost attractions.

    I’ll also have the flexibility for some quick day trips and maybe one overnight trip, but they would have to be nearby. I’ll have work to do in Berlin for a couple of hours early each weekday morning so I will need to be back there to sleep each weeknight. Thank you in advance!

    1. geekcrackteam +5

      My go to recommendation for Berlin is to rent a bike. Its pretty standard behaviour, but you might feel its not necessary, but trust me it is and its so much nicer to get around on a bike that on the UBan. You can rent them for about 5-10 Euro a day, and its the best way to see the city! (Berlin is also almost completely flat, so even I managed to cycle around most of it without issues.)

      1. kittenskittensmeowmeowmeow +2

        I will actually have access to a bike during my stay, so I’m glad to know that I’ll get a lot of use out of it! Thanks!

    2. tombstone +3

      I have never been, but “planning imaginary trips to Prague” is one of my go-to work-day distractions, so:
      – Google “cukrárna” and see if anything strikes your fancy…
      – If you’re not a person interested in acquiring tattoos, still consider stopping by Bobek Tattoo or some place similar and acquiring art/a print from a tattoo artist? There is a lot of really crazy cool stuff going on in central Europe re: tattooing, and it’s very different from what’s trendy in America!
      – MORAVIAN WINE. Do you like wines like Gewurztraminers, Rieslings, Liebfraumilchs? Bohemia is beer country of course, but Czechia also has amazing wine country and the products are so insanely cheap. Oh, also really cool eaux de vie, if you’re less into wine!

      1. kittenskittensmeowmeowmeow +1

        This is great, thank you so much! You had me at cukrárna 🙂

      2. foxinthe_snow +2

        Go to the Klementinum! It is extraordinary and smells like old books and learning in the best way.

    3. ladyimogen +3

      In Prague, there’s a hill up by the castle with lovely terraced vineyards to stroll through and a monastery with amazing brewed beer that you can drink outside, it’s possibly my favorite place there. It’s also conveniently close to a beautiful library!

      1. kittenskittensmeowmeowmeow +2

        Vineyards + outdoor drinking + castle- and beautiful library-proximate = this Toastie’s dream 🙂 Thank you!

    4. friendofdaja +3

      Eat some doener!! It’s Turkish/German street food, and I dream about how good it is (though now I see you wanted veg-friendly, so that might be a smidge harder to find). i also recommend a daytrip to Dresden/Leipzig, since they’re both pretty cool. Look up “Dresden Neustadt” to find some interesting, quirky things to do.

    5. ladyj1131 +2

      I was in Prague last summer and loved it! The Letna beer garden was my favorite – it has a beautiful view of the city. Not a ton of food options up there though, so be warned. My other favorite thing was going on a jazz riverboat dinner cruise – the food was amazing, the music was good, and the views of the city from the river are gorgeous. Other than that I spent a lot of time just wandering around the Old Town Square, Mala Strana, and Wenceslas Square, eating whatever looked good when I walked by.

      If you have time for a trip, we also visited Cesky Krumlov, a little town 2-3 hours south of Prague. It looks like a fairytale village, everything we ate was delicious – lots of veg-friendly restaurants, all on the river; definitely go to Laibon if you make it down there. You can also rent rafts and float down the river pretty cheaply.

      Have a great time!!

      1. kittenskittensmeowmeowmeow +1

        Oh, these sound wonderful. I will definitely bookmark your ideas. Thank you!

    6. Frah +2

      http://alternativeberlin.com/tours/free-tour/ the website looks stupid but the tour is actually real nice, and they know lots of weird stuff about the city, so if you go like on your first days, they can suggest things to see/places to eat.
      I’m Italian but lived there for a while, my favorite places to eat out were pizza at Il Casolare and Vietnamese food at Saigon and More.

    7. Valkyrumba +7

      I liked the little Mucha art museum in Prague! It’s about $10 to get in. His artwork is beautiful. It’s especially good if you happen to have a rainy day.

    8. contrarianbear +2

      The gay museum was actually GREAT! Also there is this modern german food resturaunt in Mitte that I can’t remember the name of but will come up on yelp if you search for german food in that area.

    9. aninjapenguin +2

      Okay, so part of the castle complex in Prague (which has an exhaustively comprehensive audio guide that lets you skip some lines into parts of the castle) is Lobkowicz Palace, the more modern part. It is privately owned and the audio tour is narrated by the current descendants of the royal family, and is pretty fascinating for the family stories. And one of the stories is about the castle’s defenestration window.

    10. kkw +1

      Berlin is awesome just to wander around in, so much fantastic graffiti and street art. I heart it for the opera, and there are usually cheap day of tickets, but summer may be dead (lots of festivals tho). There is a fabulous botanical garden if you’re a plant nerd. Lovely lovely Biergartens even if gardens aren’t your thing. If you like knitting bring an extra suitcase because so much yarn. Also all the best tights seem to come from Germany? The Gemaldegallerie and the Pergamon were my favorite of the zillion awesome museums, but it all depends on what kind of art you want.

    11. Merripat +2

      When in Berlin, do NOT go to the Spy Museum. I repeat, do not go there. It is not even worth half the money they make you pay.

      Don’t know if anyone else said it already, but the obvious things are the East Side Gallery (parts of the Berlin Wall with art from various artists) and the Reichstag (parliament) – you can go up the dome if you register a few days beforehand.

      1. kittenskittensmeowmeowmeow +1

        Great, thank you! No idea is too obvious; I’m a total novice.

    12. Where's My Cheese +1

      Hello! I lived in Prague for 7 years, and here are a few thoughts:
      Strahov monastery, and particularly the library which is my faaaaaavorite. Also next door is a pub restaurant that does quite good food, and the walk up the hill to the castle and then on to Strahov is lovely if hard work.

      Other nice place to go uphill that side of town is to go up Petrin hill. To avoid the walk take the funicular. At the top there is a rose garden, a mirror maze (not such a fan) and a replica mini Eiffel Tower you can go up to get a view. If you walk up the hill you may find your way to a Very Peculiar hut filled with Very Peculiar art.

      Another nice view is from the astronomical tower in the Klementinium.

      Another nice set of gardens are the Wallenstein Gardens (Waldstejnska Zahrady) in old town which are lovely and quiet and baroque.

      Also, it’s great for just walking around and look out for the random installation art which students are always putting up.

      Speaking of art, the Kafka museum has a couple of automated statues peeing on a map of CZ.

      Veggie eating is hard (I had to give up being veggie or I would have turned into a giant fried cheese). But easier now. Have the fried cheese (it’s basically Czech Camembert battered and deep fried) with tartar sauce which is delicious and will leave your arteries begging for mercy. Right bang in the centre of town near Old Town Square is a very famous veggie buffet restaurant called Country Life on Melantrichova. Lehka Hlava and Maitrea (Indian) are good and central too.

      Berlin – the walking tours there are great.

      1. kittenskittensmeowmeowmeow +1

        Thank you so much– this is really wonderful and helpful!

    13. danasly +2

      Oh my goodness,go to the Boros Gallery!!!! It’s in a converted civilian bunker from WWII,which then spent parts of its postwar life as a Soviet fruit storage facility and a rave. Now it’s home (literally HOME – on the top floor) to some art collectors and their contemporary collection. Tours are in German or English,and the guides are really informative and nice! https://www.sammlung-boros.de/boros-collection.ht…

    14. Where's My Cheese +1

      PS. Also in Berlin I love hanging out in Kreuzberg, which was part of East Berlin and then where lots of migrants moved and is now super trendy but still excellent for people watching. And also excellent food.

    15. etvoila +2

      Seconding the Alternative Berlin tour – I did it several years ago, and it was great. Do not recommend “alternative tours” from more traditional tour guides, though, as they’re not nearly as good. The Alternative Berlin one goes to street art locations and artists’ squats and a sticker museum and stuff that’s off the beaten path. Free wit

      If you at all dig Cabaret / Isherwood / queer history of Berlin between the wars, I strongly recommend the Isherwood neighborhood walking tour: http://www.cabaret-berlin.com/?p=482. It’s not very long and is only in one small neighborhood, but it is a DELIGHT and, I feel, right up the Toast’s alley. I do so love a tour that comes with a bibliography. The David Bowie walking tour (http://www.musictours-berlin.com/bowie-tour) was neat mostly for the way it provided a very specific perspective on Berlin history, rather than anything amazing you see. Good tour guide, though.

      Foodwise, Hasir does lovely Turkish food in a couple locations; Cocolo does good ramen in a microscopic space, and Yarouk does knock-your-socks-off Syrian food in the least atmospheric restaurant ever, but it doesn’t matter when your food is that good. All are relatively veg-friendly. Konditiorei Buchwald has amazing pastries.

      Urban Spree is probably covered in the Alternative Berlin tour, but it’s a neat street art collective/market/restaurant/etc. If you’ve never done a Berlin flea market, I’ve found interesting stuff at both the Mauer Park market (perhaps the most famous?) and the one by the Tiergarten S-bahn stop. Free to wander, cheap food stalls, and cool stuff/people to look at.

      My favorite of the, y’know, big Berlin history/monument-y things was the Berlin Wall Memorial (http://www.berliner-mauer-gedenkstaette.de/en/index.html) near Bernaurstrasse. Seeing the extant pieces of the wall at the East Side Gallery and near the Topography of Terror (free, relatively compact museum of the rise of the Gestapo, v. v. sobering) are interesting to see, but I think the Memorial itself, covering about a half mile with a bunch of different outdoor exhibits, is even more engaging. Plus it’s got one of the best English-language selection of books on Berlin in the city. There’s also an exhibit on the ghost stations of the Berlin metro (those in East Berlin that were closed while the wall was up even though trains from West Berlin still traveled through them) at the Nordbahn station near the Memorial. Smells a bit of pee, but free and super interesting.

      I just got back from a couple long weekends in Berlin, so I have Opinions! I also got a lot of tips from the Slow Travel Berlin site/blog/etc and generally endorse their recommendations.

    16. cs_key +2

      It’s been a couple years since I went to Berlin, but I remember going up the dome of the Reichstag and walking along the river outside. The Brandenburger Tor and the Holocaust Memorial are also nearby there. Personally I liked just looking at all the embassy buildings in that area, the Russian one especially.

      Potsdam is very close to Berlin, and while I’ve never been there, it might be worth looking into. They have a lot of castles and gardens. (Though really, everywhere in Germany has a lot of castles and gardens)

      For food, Döner places are great, they usually have big servings for not a lot of money. While a lot of it has meat in it, stuff like Lamacun is also often available with just vegetables and cheese. If you like Indian, check out Amar in Kreuzberg – hopefully it’s still run by the same people as 8 years ago, because that was some damn good food.

      If you like beer (or even if you often don’t, like me) Berliner Weiße is really tasty. They put syrup in it, either green (woodruff) or red (usually raspberry, I think). And in my opinion, Radler (beer mixed with Lemonade) is one of the most refreshing things you can drink on a hot summer day.

      Lastly, I don’t know where you’re from, but when I had visitors from North America last year they were surprised by the big menu of sundaes in ice cream cafes, so that’s also something you could check out. I hope you have an awesome time!

  37. literarysara +58

    Oh Toasts, I already whined on Twitter, but this is the first Friday I’ve had off work in awhile and I was so looking forward to alternating between my afternoon tasks and chatting with you in the thread. I was going to share with you that I picked up Tana French’s Faithful Place and gosh, how many of you told me I would love Tana French and I did, that was for real a page-turner, you never lead me astray. Or maybe we would talk about how I downloaded Saints Row IV but I can’t really get into it, what do my video game Toasties think about it, etc. Just little things, unimportant things I’ve missed sharing with you on my current work schedule.

    And we can STILL talk about these things and many of us will share things that fascinate or confound us on Twitter and Tumblr, and that is good and we will all go on. But it is also true that there never was a commentariat like this and there never will be again, so it is not just the closure of a good website but a dramatic shift in how we continue to be our brilliant selves together, and it is right and fair to mourn even if it is right and fair to wish our benevolent webmistresses luck in their next endeavors,

  38. hikingforbeer +36

    Such a sad day. I did not comment often but apparently in conversation I would say ‘on my favorite site, The Toast’ so often that over the last year I’ve only had to say ‘on my favorite site’ and everyone knew what I was referring to. Going to miss this place, but am so thankful it existed. Here’s a picture of my dog hanging out with one week old chicks we hatched for smiles. https://www.instagram.com/p/BFWLt7ivGgK/?taken-by…

    1. walrathem +1

      I read a lot of them out loud to my mother. She’s especially fond of all the Western Art posts.

    2. fakely_mctest +2

      OMG. Puli or Komondor? My grandmother had a Puli a long time ago. She named it Poolio. And this was in the time of Coolio. I think it was just a delightful coincidence as my grandmother was quite elderly at the time and didn’t listen to terrestrial radio.

    1. angelinebadams +3

      I’m embarrassed by how clueless I am about Twitter lists – I subscribed, but how do I actually join the list as a member?

      1. renjender +2

        If you mean you want to be on the list you should @CasinoGrande. If you’re asking something else, I confess I am kind of clueless about Twitter lists myself. -Ren

  40. renegadeoboe +75

    I didn’t get a chance to share this earlier in the week, but Bon Cop Bad Cop 2 starts filming this month!

    Aaaaaaaaaaaaah.

    For those of you who don’t know, Bon Cop Bad Cop is the most Canadian movie ever made in which:
    – The first murder victim (a hockey exec) is impaled on the Ontario/Quebec border sign so Anglo and Francophone cops (Colm Feore and Patrick Huard) have to work together.
    – The film is in both languages throughout and subtitles can be adjusted for one, the other, or none.
    – “Vive le Quebec Libre” is featured as sex yelling
    – There is a scene in which the two cops have a discussion about Quebecois swearing syntax while shoving a criminal into a trunk.
    – The evil mastermind is rampaging because he has strong feelings about the corruption of Canadian hockey identity.

    Okay, back to our regularly scheduled Toast mourning.

    1. AmyEntropy +2

      I’ve always wanted to see the original but never did! Must keep an eye out.

    5. saraallain +12

      I firmly believe that watching Bon Cop Bad Cop will make non-Canadians understand us better. Or they won’t get it at all, which is kiiiinda the same thing?

      1. dorianneemmerton +7

        I would love for USian Toasties to all watch it and report back. (SUCH a good movie.)

        1. fakely_mctest +10

          USian Toastie reporting in: I LOVE Bon Cop Bad Cop so much. It is a pure delight. Even I could hear how different the Quebecois French sounds from France French.

    6. Bent_fork +7

      My daughter did a Quebec exchange, and one day when the Quebec student was here, she asked why we didn’t swear. Not “we” as in our family, but all us anglos. She was used to people swearing a lot more. One more thing to love about Quebecers, along with sugar pie, being the most progressive province, and I’m sure a whole bunch of other things that I can’t think of at the moment.

      1. dorianneemmerton +4

        uuuuuhhh…. “most progressive province” is debatable

        But it’s true, I sure do love a good Quebecois swear-rant, and also sugar pie.

      2. AmyEntropy +3

        Someone told me once that people swear by the things that oppress them, and I think it’s true. Us Anglos swear by sex and body waste because we’re prudes. Francophones swear more by religious objects.

    8. Smitty +9

      “- The first murder victim (a hockey exec) is impaled on the Ontario/Quebec border sign so Anglo and Francophone cops (Colm Feore and Patrick Huard) have to work together.”

      How is this even real?

      1. theanagrace +7

        Its even better when they’re arguing about the jurisdiction of the murder (with the dead guy still flopped over the sign). I don’t want to spoil it, but it’s priceless.

  41. waitressinlove +16

    Okay I made a twitter account finally after The News broke. Plz give me your handles so I can follow you there *deep sob*

    4. 30Litresof +4

      I’m really torn about whether to get in on toastie twitter. I like Twitter and would like to have more cool people on there, but my twitter is in my real name, and I’ve said a few things on here that I would not necessarily want connected to my real name… (sex stuff)

    11. mmsees +1

      I’m @mmsees. I’ve mostly just lurked on twitter but I think this might be my motivation to finally start tweeting

  42. ChloeKEvil +157

    Toasties, I’m so sad about this. You guys love my potato so much!

    And I’m sure you will love him even though he was turned into a french fry. Man, getting him groomed was a nightmare, he was not about that life at all. There was a lot of nipping, which he is usually good about these days. Unfortunately there was a Butt Situation that meant he had to get the floof off 🙁 We didn’t manage to get his head, though. He out-stubborned us.

      1. ChloeKEvil +34

        HE DOES NOW

        Okay it’s at chloekevil and it doesn’t have anything yet but it will! As soon as I see Charlie again (we are separated again, it’s still rotten).

    4. illyria83 +11

      Groomed potato! Aw, baby! Following on Insta ASAP. LOVE to you and tater!

    5. FeuerroteZora +19

      Ah, a Butt Situation. Having a long-haired cat means I’m very familiar with those. WHAT AN ADORABLE FRENCH FRY HE IS!

      1. robotneedslove +37

        When my vet is like “ah, your cat might need a sanitary” and I’m like “YOU MEAN A BRAZILIAN IT’S OK YOU CAN SAY IT”

      2. ChloeKEvil +7

        I am going to do my best to avoid them in the future because it was g r o s s but having a floof might make it hard

        1. Apfelmoose +22

          My Minie is also a floof and I’ve started cutting her hair at home with scissors. It might be easier on you and CPH if there are no buzzing sounds or strange people/smells?

          As you can see, it makes her look like a furry armadillo, but butt situations are quickly brought under control and it’s cheaper than the groomer. Unless you are talking about a butt gland situation, which is 100% above my pay grade.

    7. Unreadaethel +8

      I’d almost stopped crying, and then I saw your comment and remembered my love for C.P. Hashbrowns, and now I have a sad all over again.

  43. beatrixcakes +33

    I’ve written for the Toast a couple of times and wish I had commented more. What a sad day.

    1. RudyRed +23

      My dream was to one day write for the Toast, and now that will never come to pass. ;(

    2. angelinebadams +12

      Same here – I’ve been more likely to scroll through thumbs-upping things, and now I wish I’d participated more.

  44. QQQ +24

    Well none of this seems to matter in the wake of today’s news, but somebody asked if I could repost this after I posted it off-topic in a link roundup, so…who wants to talk about jobs?

    How do you stop phoning it in? I have now gotten a few relatively “prestigious” jobs on the strength of like, being sharp and smart and having a few relevant skills and impressing key people into thinking I have a lot of potential. On the job, I’ve proceeded to do the bare minimum to meet expectations. I don’t know why I’m like this. I like working, but I also like relaxing, and as long as I’m getting positive feedback on what I AM doing I never feel motivated to go above and beyond. In the field I’m in, going the extra mile is REALLY required, especially in the long term. This results in me having periodic nervous breakdowns about how I don’t deserve the lucky breaks I’ve gotten, but somehow this never transforms me into the conscientious striver I need to be. I don’t think I have what it takes to succeed long term in this. There are a couple of fields I could transition into pretty easily, and I think I want to.

    My question is: ARE there jobs where just cheerfully meeting expectations is fine? Or will I always feel guilty about getting away with not working very hard?

    1. radiantsqui3d +3

      I’m in a slightly similar, but also different situation?
      I get decent jobs with quite a bit of potential for development. I’m still writing my PhD, so they’re only part time research assistant jobs, but both this one and the ex-job were ones I could build a career on if I was motivated enough.
      I just don’t really care? I just want to be paid for being a cultural historian and teaching and writing books, so all this “research management” I’ve been trying to make myself want just feels wrong from the start? Also, I panic when I do not know all the details of my tasks, so I’m really slow because I need to think about everything from thirty different perspectives in order to avoid mistakes and yelling. So… I like working, I like my thesis more, and I also like relaxing a lot and not putting too much energy into things I don’t really care that much about?

    2. Smoomin +17

      You feel guilty because you know are capable of achieving more and you’re concerned that you are wasting an opportunity. But objectively, you are doing a good job – you’ve had feedback to that effect. As a talented individual, your baseline is different as you know your capabilities (or have yet to test them to their full boundaries?) while others think you are already doing a great job.

      There will be a time when you want to pull something special out of the bag. I would save some energy for then. My experience has been that you can over deliver and over deliver, and eventually everyone else’s baseline will shift, you’ll be left wrung out and your progress could be hampered.

      That sounds a bit downbeat – it’s actually not. If you can do the job you are expected to do, and well, and have reserves left over for the rest of your hobbies and interests, I’d say you are winning at life.

      Continue to do so until that point where you want to do take it up a gear and enjoy yourself in the meantime.

      1. catatatatat +5

        Also, you shouldn’t be 100% on the go the whole time. I feel like that’s what I got used to at uni and with high school exams, but there should be down time built in to your job so that when things go wrong (people getting sick etc) there’s wiggle room.

    3. Es_Petal +9

      I cheerfully meet expectations. I do work properly when I am there but nobody could ever call me a conscientious striver. I work to pay my bills and pay for the stuff that sets me alight, and that is all.

    4. lemonadefish +6

      I am an architect, which is generally a pretty high-pressure job. Fifty and sixty hour weeks are not remarkable. But fuck that shit. I could be better at my job, if I worked a lot harder. I will never be famous, and I will never make six figures, but I have a happy family and friends and hobbies and generally get enough sleep.

      So, how required exactly is going the extra mile for you? Required in order to get promoted to a corner office, or required in order not to get fired? It’s fine to stay in… uh, a middle office? forever without striving. If you don’t like your job, by all means get a different one. But if you mostly like it, it’s fine to do a pretty good job instead of a really excellent job.

    5. OliviaPJones +3

      I always try way too hard and wear myself out and it earns me tons of responsibility without any sort of pay raise and increased expectations of what a person is capable of in a single shift/week. And it also gets me into a situation where it is really REALLY hard to take any time off whatsoever without people trying to get me to cancel my vacation or calling/emailing me when I’m supposed to be off the clock. It’s a me thing. I know this. I’m trying to get it under control before my next job (thank god this one is temporary) because believe it or not, it IS a problem.

      So take it from me! It’s not always great to be a striver or whatever. Meet those expectations, enjoy your life and hobbies, and don’t keel over early from stress-induced diseases. These are my life goals and I encourage everyone to join me!

    7. sleepy_head +1

      Oh, I could’ve written this. If it makes you feel better, I think the bright people doing the bare minimum are a lot more normal than we think, because there is such cultural pressure to look like you’re always super busy, striving to be the best and the hardest worker, etc. But I think the motivation to “go beyond” is often not there for a lot of people, because the reality is just that most people don’t care that much about their day jobs. We might find our jobs interesting and not actively hate them, but there is no deep underlying passion for what we do. I know my morale was much higher when I was working for an organization I loved, doing the same work I’m doing now for a “prestigious” organization I could care less about. Sometimes that’s key.

      So if that’s your situation too, you’re not alone. However your situation shakes out, I hope you’ll be gentle with yourself. You’re doing your job well, which counts for a lot, and not proactively creating more work for yourself is okay. Good luck!

  45. viviennestreet +18

    Toasties! One of my main coping mechanisms for stress and anxiety is to bury myself in books or fanfiction. I like all sorts of fic, but I must admit to having a particular tendre for crossover and fusions. What are some you’ve liked? Let’s distract ourselves.

      1. viviennestreet +5

        Also, I dunno if anyone would be interested in a hilarious Saki/Wodehouse/Téméraire fusion but… here you go!

        “Anyway Mrs. Finchley had pinched the cook from behind her friend’s back, and she told me she was taking advantage of his soups to invite the dragon without losing her other guests. I believe she was hoping the invitation would dislodge some of them, in fact, but the soups won out. Don’t believe anyone who tells you we English have lost our staunchness.”

    2. radiantsqui3d +2

      Oh I’m so here for this! I can only think of one rec… It is actually a Crossover, a C6D one, so I don’t know if it counts.

      The Northern Comfort series by Kelly Matthews and AuKestrel is one the whole very well written, but probably my favourite fic of all times is the third part (it more or less stands alone), Shadows Fade.
      Billy Tallent (of Hard Core Logo) meets Brian (a minor character in Tales of the City, which is very close to my heart) and they pine for each other, there is some lawyering and some rock music stuff, some good OCs. The pining is excellent.
      Minor trigger warnings, all off screen: alcoholism and drug use are mentioned, there is a (maybe canonical? I have not seen Hard Core Logo in a while) rape in the backstory, but these fics deal strongly with recovery, healing, and resilience.

      1. viviennestreet +2

        I They Say and Love is All are both amazing!  Would you mind telling me what your complaints about Lucifer are?  I vaguely know it’s an adaptation of a Neil Gaiman comic (I think?) but I don’t know much about it!

        1. hawthorn_tree +5

          I would love nothing more than to complain about Lucifer. It’s adapted from Neil Gaiman’s version of Lucifer which then went on to have a spinoff series by Mike Carey.

          Really, the show seems perfectly fine! I’m just grumpy they took the least interesting part of the comic (Lucifer is in LA, running a nightclub with his friend/lieutenant Mazikeen) and dumped the coolest parts (my girl Elaine Belloc growing up to take Yahweh’s place, Mazikeen’s whole character arc) in favor of a police procedural.

          1. swordsnspindles +4

            I support your grumpiness over what they’ve done to Lucifer. I love his Britishness, but turning the whole premise into a very standard police procedural with a will-they-won’t-they friendship was quite a waste.

          2. Hadrosaur +2

            The Lucifer comics are my favourite comic – Mazikeen is so awesome! I haven’t watched the TV series because my partner saw the pilot and said it was really gross and misogynist, and Mazikeen basically isn’t Mazikeen. 🙁

            From the trailer, I thought it looked a lot like a sexist version of the first series of Angel?

          4. dancingcorvid +4

            Jenny Crusie, romance author extraordinaire, got so wound around the axle over Lucifer that she started rewriting it in her head, and it has gone from exasperated spinoff fic to actual potential novel, unrecognizable, mostly, from its roots. The process has been amazing to watch.

      3. amatyultare256 +2

        Ditto to “They Say He Is An Experimental Theologian”, it’s SO GOOD.

    6. peytonopoly +2

      From my pinboard, I tried to have a variety of crossover links. Hope y’all can find some you like:

      The planets really aligned for this one, a hockey rpf/Veronica Mars crossover. You don’t need to know much about hockey, but the VM mystery aspect is spot-on.

      this one goes out to, a Les Mis/HP crossover. E/R on a renegade radio station.

      At Tilde, a Matilda/Avengers crossover. I think I first heard about this one on The Toast in fact! Gen fic with Matilda in the Avengers universe.

      Belle Époque, a Downton Abbey/The Eagle crossover. Such repressed emotions in both universes, so this fic has great atmosphere.

      The Strength of the Wolf Is the Pack, a Generation Kill/Teen Wolf crossover. Rudy Reyes is Erica Reyes’ uncle. This one makes me so happy! #ericalives

      pretty maids all in a row, a Buffy/Secret Garden crossover. Mary Lennox, vampire slayer.

      The Ivory Horn, a HDM/Narnia crossover. So plotty and good.

    7. schuylersister +6

      This is not a crossover or fusion, but it’s the sort of thing I think the Toasties would like, and its a) really long and b) very queer.

      Known Associates, by thingswithwings (no link because getting on AO3 at work seems like a bad idea)

      It’s Captain America-focused, and starts from Steve and Bucky in Brooklyn in the 40s, Steve as a queer socialist activist and oh yeah he’s genderqueer and it’s awesome. Then it moves to the present day and Steve trying to figure out his sexual identity in the 21st century, and also gathering a variety of boyfriends and hanging out and going on missions with the avengers.

      I’m not really an MCU person. But this converted me. I totally buy it.

    10. subrosa +1

      The Shoebox Project was one of my favorite fanfics ever. I don’t know where you can find it and I can’t look for it at the moment, but it was pre-Harry Potter, and just so sweet and perfect. Better than JK.

  46. Owlmouse +33

    I bought excellent postcards featuring felines at an art show last month and was plotting how I was totally going to sign up for Toast Post the next time it opened now that I had worthy postcards. All of my dreams are ashes and dust.

    Also, I need one final “Hey Ladies” before The End. Please.

    2. swordsnspindles +4

      I HAVE signed up for Toast Poast, and now dread actually writing the postcards. It will be so sad.

      1. larocquen +4

        I refuse to be sad about this. I will only get ONE Toast Post and I shall make the best of it!!! Funnily enough, I just sent off a Post letter this morning…

  47. alexnursall +41

    I ate a lot of toast this morning in honour of the site. Now I’m all carb’d up and sad. At least it was good toast (light rye, if you’re curious for some unexplained reason).

  48. TheasyPeasy +52

    I’m super sad about The Toast retiring, but it still doesn’t feel real. I can’t imagine that in August I won’t be able to read through the hilarious and heartfelt articles, read the incredible comments, or eagerly await the Link Roundup every morning.
    My brain cannot actually compute this information. Much like I don’t think I entirely realize that Alan Rickman is dead.

    In a side note, I figured out what I’m going to buy myself for my birthday and that is enough of either Loft or Jamieson’s & Sons jumper weight to make an overall fair isle (I’m leaning toward Northdale but some part of me just keeps quietly singing Alice Starmore in a creepy voice.)

    1. hawthorn_tree +1

      That is an excellent birthday present to yourself! What pattern are you using?

  49. BourneApprox +27

    With Great Sadness: WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING THIS WEEK, TOASTRONS?

    I am continuing with Mass Effect 2. But I am mostly sad because I won’t be able to geek out with you guys about games anymore each Friday, or post extraneous Mass Effect Gifs. 🙁

    With that in mind, JOIN THE TOAST STEAM GROUP!!!!!!! Literally just created it, and should be public to join: http://steamcommunity.com/groups/toastrons

    Introduce yourselves if you join! I am the avatar of the small grey cat. (Hi to AV Club wanderers too; I am the commenter known as Fluka, if the cat and Mass Effect obsession didn’t give me away months ago.) I’ll make the image better later, sigh. Now, tho:

    1. robindavisdesign +4

      Oh hell yes Toast steam group!!!! I THINK I’m ampersandium on steam (I’m actually not sure though) but I don’t use any of the social functions so I have no idea how to add people or join groups. I will attempt to figure that out when I’m not at work.

    2. fromafar2013 +5

      JOINED! Thanks 🙂

      I’m playing lots of The Long Dark. They just did a fairly large sandbox update, and I’ve been spending too much time quietly sitting in a fishing hut watching the sun rise and feeling lonely.

      1. larsgarvey +2

        How are you liking The Long Dark? I adore the name and the various previews I’ve watched for it.

        1. fromafar2013 +3

          Eh, its okay

          J/K

          I’VE PLAYED OVER 300 HOURS OF IT AND ITS ONLY IN ALPHA

          I love it. It’s 1st person, but it isn’t anything like any other survival game I’ve ever played. The developers aren’t even trying to make a ~survival~ game, it’s just the core mechanics that are going to drive a very story heavy final game, and it’s deep and intense and soothing and challenging even without any of the story or NPCs that they’re planning. It’s unique and hard to describe, but I will spam you with screen shots if you let me.

          2. octopoda +1

            Wow this game looks amazing, might have something else to play in addition to Stardew Valley this weekend…

    3. m98widow +6

      Oh my god, you’re Fluka too?! I follow all of the AVClub video game threads but have been struggling with not being able to log in over there for years.

      More Stardew Valley for me, but I’m almost running out of things to do in that game. Still anxiously awaiting No Man’s Sky.

      1. fromafar2013 +6

        I just bought Stardew Valley thanks to you!! I had things to do this weekend…

        *is never heard from again*

      2. BourneApprox +4

        Haha, glad to know that my identities have remained well-quarantined over the past few years! Though I’ve not posted as much at the AV Club recently as I’d like to… (Well, and the main site community has gotten a wee bit fucked up, so I’ve spent more time at the Toast, which……..oh no……..)

    4. jenihackett +4

      TOAST STEAM GROUP. PERFECT. I think right now I’m Sassbucket Navi…

      I’ve been playing Dark Souls III because I apparently hate myself (but on the PS4, not my computer, which is still a trooper but has two broken hinges and consequently a case of what must be the laptop equivalent of erectile disfunction because it CANNOT stay up). I’ve been meaning to get all of ME on the computer, though, so maybe I’ll start a replay of that soon.

      2. larsgarvey +1

        I really need to play ME, too. And I did just get a fairly decent gaming laptop…

    5. alliana07 +6

      I’ve been re-playing Dishonored, doing a violent play-thru. When I did it the first time I was all Stealth, but now I’m just CAUSING MAYHEM which is fun tbh… although has led to some really weird dreams.

      Also excited because Dishonored 2 is coming soon, AND there’s gonna be a Civilization 6, AND I think the beta game Solus Project is going to be updated for me to play this weekend (if it hasn’t been already).

      1. robindavisdesign +4

        I’ve never played Dishonored before but it’s next on my play list and I’m SO EXCITED

        1. alliana07 +4

          Oh it’s SO GOOD. I will say though that, as it’s one of those games where your choices affect the outcome (aka if you’re good or evil), it kind of puts these limits on the powers you have? For example, a lot of the COOL powers are violent ones (swarm of rats, windblast, etc) and so if you’re being good/stealthy you can’t use them. It’s the only thing that bugs me, although I did read recently that the stealth option wasn’t an original idea, it was something that came up during testing play, so they reworked it a bit. Apparently Dishonored 2 is built more evenly to have some cooler stealth powers, too.

          But regardless, it is a GREAT game, I love re-playing it. I just love clamoring around cities and sneaking up on people. (Also, highly recommend frequent saves, lol.)

          1. robindavisdesign +4

            Playing stealthy is my FAVORITE! If there is a way to do it in any game I will, even if it’s totally inconvenient sometimes (looking at you Deus Ex) so I guess I’ll be playing good then! Also I don’t think I need anything called “swarm of rats” in my life so that’s settled.

          2. alliana07 +2

            Oh good then you’ll love Dishonored! It is definitely still built for Stealth, and I think the stealth option really makes you have to try extra hard. (Especially if you want to get the “Ghost” achievements, aka, no one even sees you once.)

            Swarm of rats is as awful as it sounds, you basically summon a little swarm of plague rats that attacks people. I do, however, like the windblast power in my evil!playthru, because I like the drama of waving my arm and blasting people with wind. Then again I’ve always loved a good elemental-esque power.

          3. kilks401 +2

            frequent saves are a MUST. I agree with everythign you said here too. I can’t wait for Dishonored 2.

    6. teabeey +4

      I am Astropony on Steam! Right now I’m in between games, but I need to finish several, I just have to pick one to concentrate on…

    7. sausagedog +9

      I play vidyagames like once a month but I may actually join this group?? Hope that’s cool, if you see some really inactive steam person who only plays Morrowind join, that’s your pal sausagedog.

      1. BourneApprox +3

        Oh hell yeah! Go ahead and join – there’s absolutely no requirement to actually play games or participate. 🙂 I’ve been inactive for long periods myself.

      2. larsgarvey +3

        When I have time, I am big into games. But so is my roommate, and I have been enjoying watching him play Quantum Break, but that’s been eating into my self-gaming time. Also, I am utterly terrible at videogames. Especially Star Wars: Battlefront. But I still enjoy playing, even if I am the absolute worst. 🙂

    8. hawthorn_tree +3

      I just finished Mass Effect 1 and now it’s on to Mass Effect 2. And I’m joining the steam group!

    9. seasleepy +4

      I am seasleepy over there too, as I am everywhere else, pretty much. (I am amazed I have managed to hang onto this username for as long as I have.)

      Some Pocket Card Jockey (Solitaire + wacky premise is very much my shit), but mostly Stellaris and wishing I was playing Stellaris. I am ~only~ 10 hours in but somehow my first game is still going, though I expect someone will finally realize I’m easy pickings at some point soon, since I’ve focused largely on Boldly Going to this point and there aren’t any more planets nearby that I can really colonize at this point.
      – I let the random name generator name my race, home planet/system, etc and basically my next door neighbors have the same home planet/system name.
      – The universe I’m in is apparently Mass Effect (I came across some wreckage of a bunch of precursor races who had come together to unsuccessfully try to defeat a threat from outside the galaxy.)
      – I relocated a bunch of sentient gas beings to a gas giant somewhere on the outskirts of the galaxy and they were very nice about it. Then they asked me to move some of them to a gas giant that happened to be in my territory. Then one I had moved got lonely and wanted to go back to the original gas giant. And the text on the buttons kept getting hilariously more and more exasperated. (Then they sent me a bunch of physics research they had done with a note attached that basically went “I mean, we don’t really get solids but I think you guys are into this stuff, I guess, right?”)

      1. larsgarvey +2

        How is Stellaris? It’s on my list. But I am so bad at gaming/finding time to game, and am still struggling through SOMA and want to do Alien: Isolation next. Maybe. If I find the nerve. Steam had an insane deal I couldn’t pass up. And I am a total Alien/Aliens nerd.

        1. seasleepy +1

          I’m really liking Stellaris but it is very much a Paradox game (or at least I can see a lot of the DNA of Crusader Kings 2 in it, which is the only other game of theirs I’ve played), which is to say it sometimes looks like a spreadsheet, combat is somewhat inscrutable, diplomacy/war from a macro level is (mostly) really well handled, it generates amazing stories, and it’s pretty rough around the edges which will probably get sanded off somewhat via DLC expansions for the next several years. It does have a fairly decent tutorial (unlike CK2).
          But games are looooong, so if you have limited time it’s harder to recommend. And Paradox does update their stuff often with DLC, and it goes on sale fairly often, so if you pick it up several months (years) down the line it will only get better.

      2. ballisticjaguar +4

        Aaaaah Pocket Card Jockey. I am having a BLAST with that game, as I thought I would. I just figured out the breeding (which I found very confusing tbh…but I probably should have paid more attention to what Off Course was telling me). I have yet to breed a really good horse, but they are getting better!

        Do you have any great names for your horses? I’m so bad with pun names, so the best I’ve come up with is Barnacle and I didn’t even realize that was a pun until after I’d named him.

    10. kirpunz +4

      Going to try and finish up AC: Rouge. Killing (imaginary) people will assuage my sorrows.

    12. Thujaplicata +3

      Toast Steam Group! You are a genius! I’m ksbh01 over there.
      I’ve been playing basically nothing but Stardew Valley. Stardew Valley for forever. Harvey is my boyfriend now :3

    13. literarysara +2

      Ahhhh Bourne, I will miss talking about Mass Effect with you. I may just join that Steam group even though I do not game on a PC and thus do not use Steam to download things.

      What I am playing: mainly Inquisition, for the third time! Xbox had some interesting games for free last month so I downloaded Dead Space and Saints Row IV. I started playing the latter but wasn’t super engaged–that really long intro where you’re not doing much! I don’t know. And I’ve been feeling anxious about some life things, so I returned to comfort in the form of a familiar world that still contains some surprises. I’m currently playing on Insanity as a roguish dwarf who is currently in a casual relationship with Iron Bull. Thinking about seeing if Dorian’s interested. Finally got Celene, Gaspard, and Briala to form a truce. Wondering if I can get Alistair and Morrigan to chat, since they are both hanging around Skyhold right now.

      1. BourneApprox +1

        Aw, I’ll miss talking with you too! Do feel free to join the Steam group, though be warned that having a Steam account is a gateway to getting suckered in by Steam Sales. 😀

    14. UrdnotWref +1

      I’m so glad you set this up! I had the intention of commenting on the video game threads, and then never got around to it…
      Where else am I going to talk about Kardboard Alenko and how much I will easily toss humans out of the way for robots and aliens.

        1. Urdnotwref +2

          I didn’t even know he had a personality until I accidentally killed ashley in one play through.
          Anyway, it’s romancing aliens 24/7 over here. I had an especially huge Teddy Roosevelt grin while romancing garrus in front of my partner. He gets flustered with video game romance writing. We have a standoff going-watch femshep romance someone and then you can see the end to ME3.

    15. tigrrmilk +3

      joined the steam group – i’m hauntologies over there. atm i’m mostly playing lots of stardew valley, but when the new RAM that i ordered today arrives i’m excited to get firewatch, finally!

      oh also i recently got mini metro and i’m kind of obsessed despite being Very Bad at it.

    16. Amberlyza +2

      AAAAHHH THANK YOU FOR DOING THIS. Literally the only other Steam group I’m in is for refugees from another dearly departed website (Glitch) and I hate that this is a pattern but I also feel a gentle satisfaction from seeing those two names on my group list.

      I’m all Elder Scrolls Online all the time right now, I’m afraid. I bought a lion mount with real cash money. I’m not proud.

  50. ophelias_ghost +34

    Well I had planned to bring up some exciting Broadway news on the Link Roundup… it feels strange to be happy about anything after The News but maybe some Toasties would like to hear it!

    Audra McDonald is pregnant (!!!) and her replacement in Shuffle Along is going to be Rhiannon Giddens, a fantastic folk/country/bluegrass singer previously with the Carolina Chocolate Drops whom I love very much. If anyone wants to give her a listen I highly recommend her debut solo album, Tomorrow Is My Turn

    1. Nashirakins +9

      RHIANNON GIDDENS MY WORLD HAS JUST EXPLODED oh god I LOVE Rhiannon so much and I’m so glad to see her getting a fantastic role and ahhhhhhhh.

      I’m a grown up really.

    2. effableobject +10

      OH MY GOD, RHIANNON FUCKING GIDDENS, I LOVE HER

      not that I don’t also love Audra, but OMG

    5. Cricket +6

      I am sad but still need caps to express my excitement because i LOVE RHIANNON GIDDENS and the Carolina Chocolate Drops. When I saw she was replacing Audra (I also cackled at her pregnancy announcement, what a gem), I did a little dance. I wish I could see both of them in the role! But alas, I’m in Florida.

    7. Honoria_G +8

      Thank you for this fantastic news! Yay for Audra! Also, Rhiannon Giddens is amazing and does awesome work. One of my favorite things about her solo album is that the song she wrote for it sounds just as classic and just as solid all the traditional songs and covers alongside it. (Another one of my favorite things about it is that she covers Dolly Parton like a BOSS. That’s not easy.)

    8. misterboddy +3

      Love Rhianon Giddens so much, thank you for posting some happy news! Her Dolly Parton cover is fantastic.

  51. perianwen +20

    To distract myself from thinking about everything else, can I ask for some advice? Bf & I have been talking for some months about moving in together. I have no hesitations, except around visitors. He’s way more close to his family than I am, and much more accommodating to their requests. At home, I’m a hermit, I like to hide away from the world and recuperate. I need to know I can continue to count on that & not have random drop-ins. Plus my cats are semi-feral and do not do well with lots of strangers around. How can I phrase it without coming across as it being specifically about family, even though it sort of is because those are the only people he really sees? Is it wrong to say I’d prefer we just have people occasionally, 1-2 at a time, and that most of the time he/we go to their places instead?

    1. geekcrackteam +10

      I’d phrase it just like you have here. Tell him that you like to know that your space is your own and safe, so you’d like to come to an agreement around visitors to the house, i.e you need at least a days notice if there are going to be visitors, or theres a limit to 2 visitors at a time, or you can only have company a maximum of twice a week etc.

      I wouldn’t bring up his family at all, unless it becomes an issue, or he sees them as an exception to ‘visitors’, just keep it about you and your needs and how you want to have an arrangement that you’re both happy with.

    2. kay_hay +6

      Setting limits early in the living together is essential. You can always shift the limits should either of your feelings on an issue change (not that they have to). Especially if you have a small space and it’s just the two of you, limiting the number of visitors, frequency of visits, duration of visits, and suggested amount of advance notice is perfectly reasonable. Mister is more hermitey than I am, and since my parents live 3,000 miles away, their visits tend to be week long. Luckily, we have a guest bedroom, so there’s a bit of physical separation, but before the visit, we establish that he is going to step away from the group socializing at certain points for grading/lesson planning/working on stuff/yes he’s doing those things but sometimes also watching anime or basketball by himself.

    3. jackalopeia +7

      The avoidant solution: move into an apartment that’s too small for anything but a loveseat. Worked for me!

      Seriously though, it seems fairly neutral to me to just be like: “You should know that I don’t like hosting. I really prefer to socialize outside the home so I can leave whenever I want; I feel really trapped if there are people in my house, even if they’re just there to see you. We can have some people over sometimes, but I need a day or two’s notice to mentally prepare, okay?” It would be weird of him to get butthurt about that.

    4. robotneedslove +6

      I mean, don’t even worry that much if it DOES sound like it’s about family? He’s your partner, man, you guys need to be able talk about these things!

      What you said here doesn’t sound at all to me about not liking his family, it sounds like needs about your space. You can easily say all this stuff! And the problem with being vague and saying things like “guests” is that maybe to him family isn’t guests, so then all of a sudden you are not actually on the same page.

      Good luck! I’m an inveterate inviter, and so far my husband and I have lived in a large house with many escape places, but we are moving into a one bedroom so eek.

    5. lemonadefish +5

      No idea what real estate is like where you are, but is it possible to get a place with an extra room that could be entirely yours? I am both a hermit and someone who loves hosting my family – I would be very sad to not be able to do that, so I feel for both of you. Some limits on visitors + a private sanctuary might be a good compromise…

  52. kay_hay +37

    The more things change, the more…other things change, I guess? I will dearly miss my 9am appointment with The-Toast and coffee.
    Lunch with boss did in fact turn out to be a full time job offer. I accepted, we bonded over loving dance but not being Ballerina Material physically/mentally/ethnically. I start on Monday and for my birthday next month, my parents are getting me a class card to the dance studio opposite the office.
    So
    Any advice on transitioning from work at home/freelance to office, either mentally or materially? I’ve got a tote packed with tea, snacks, lumbar support pillow, medical kit, inspirational Wonder Woman minifig. I’ll be sharing the office suite with 7 other people, 2 of whom will be sharing a 3 desk office with me.
    Also, any suggestions on healthful office lunches? At home, I’m mostly a grazer, and I often rely on stovetop midday snacks like socca, eggs, or soba. I’m considering prepping a big batch of pasta or grain salad on weekends and dressing the base up with various combinations of chicken, beans, veggies, cheeses, flavorings, etc.
    See, I’m so much going to miss this space and these people. I know I can count on this community for sensible practical and emotional support.

    1. sausagedog +2

      I mostly do leftover dinner lunches, which are easy since I live alone and so most recipes make at least 2 servings. Soup is a good one– I freeze it overnight so it doesn’t spill on the way to work, then let it thaw on my desk and microwave it the rest of the way. Quesadillas also work surprisingly well as leftovers– I recommend investing in some tiny tupperwares for sour cream and salsa and guac (and salad dressing and flax seeds and whatever else you want to be able to toss on stuff.) And my favorite mid-afternoon snack is a ramen egg– soft boil eggs as best you can, peel, and marinate overnight in equal parts soy sauce/mirin.

      Good luck and congratulations!

      1. kay_hay +1

        I had not even considered the “spill on the way to work” factor! I might also do a tupperware of Stuff To Float In Soup and pair that with a carton of chicken broth or one of Trader Joe’s veggie puree-ish soups that I can transport sealed, pour over Bowl of Stuff as needed, and then leave in the fridge for a week once open.

        1. Abracadanielle +2

          glass storage bowls are excellent for transporting soupy foods without disaster, I’m slowly replacing my hodgepodge of plastic takeout containers with these guys: http://www.amazon.com/Pyrex-Simply-Store-10-Piece…

    2. rhymeswitheight +5

      Big batch to be varied throughout the week is the key to office lunches!! If you’re the type of person who can eat the same thing many meals in a row (I am), then dinner leftovers are also great. It’s also helpful for me to have some lazy “cannot pack will fall over” stand-by lunches. I’m partial to Amy’s frozen burritos, or dumping some white beans, broccoli, and pepper/red pepper/parm in a tupperware.

    3. actualmeg +4

      I do the grain salad bowl thing and find it to be a pretty solid choice. I am also something of a grazer, so I invested in a cute bento box and like to fill up the compartments with small amounts of different snacks (crackers, veggies, dips, dried fruit, etc.).

    1. MopRocks +43

      Today, indeed, is one for being grim about the mouth and knocking people’s hats off.

  54. teaandcakeordeath +16

    Speaking about knowing when to walk away, any Toasties want to discuss relationships? More specifically when to walk away from a good one.

    My boyfriend is sweet and kind and cooks and takes out the trash and is patient and all those nice things but of course there’s a but. We can’t seem to ever make any plans together. Whenever we try he drags his feet or double books or just *something*. This is for things as big as a vacation and as small as trying a new restaurant and the result is that we dont really do anything together. He doesnt even read links I send him or if he does he doesnt discuss them after. We dont really have the same sense of humour and when theres a big thing he bails. Like when I moved house he said he would help but I had to pack by myself. Or when I got in to grad school he listened to me talk about whether i should go for 10 minutes and then got bored. And when I wanted to discuss my feelings when a colleague killed himself, my boyfriend just could not focus or pay any attention.

    He’s a good person, but … is it too much to want more?

    1. bread_and_roses +46

      Nope. Not too much. It would be fine to want more even if those complaints were petty, and they’re really not.

      1. teaandcakeordeath +2

        Thank you. I really have been trying to make myself believe that they are nothing and I really needed this advice.

    2. tidepool +49

      These issues are much bigger than you think they are, because what your boyfriend is demonstrating to you is that he is not as invested in your life as you are in his. Failing that, even a very nice person can just not be the right person for you.

      1. teaandcakeordeath +2

        Yeah – it’s not that it is an issue right now but I keep imagining being somewhere down the road and wishing Id got out now. Thanks for the advice!

    3. Bothari +14

      I agree with the others. What’s that saying about ‘don’t make someone a priority who only sees you as an option,’ or something like that? It sounds like he is one of your priorities, but you’re not necessarily one of his. You deserve better.

      1. teaandcakeordeath +2

        That is so sadly apt! Thank you for the advice. Must remember priorities, options, radiators, drains.

    4. larsgarvey +21

      Having been through something similar, the best case scenario is, like, social anxiety (the plans thing) and maybe a difficulty paying attention to anything (not just you), but the worst case is what tidepool brought up above—a lack of investment in you, what matters to you, etc.

      Have you guys tried to have a talk about this? Having been the “not great” partner a few times, I can tell you how strangely blind people can be to their own poor behavior, and how easily some things can be fixed when they’re shown in the cold light of day.

      1. teaandcakeordeath +1

        It’s true, it is hard to know how upset to get as he obviously doesnt know when he is being not so great and the not great stuff has come up pretty rarely, but is a trend. But I do agree that a bit of compassion and understanding can go a long way.

      2. OtherRoooToo +3

        You know what I’d love to know …?

        What worked to “show you” that?

        Was there a way it was put to you that didn’t make you defensive or angry?

        What were the words & phrases that got through …?

        1. larsgarvey +1

          I’m not a quick to anger or annoy person, not that it hasn’t happened, but usually I can tell when someone is sitting me down to seriously talk with me about something that it’s time for me to shut up and listen (even if it may take me a second to not formulate defensive rebuttals in my head while they’re speaking).

          What got through to me the most was that the two big talks where my actions were causing problems were first started with something along the lines of, “I care a lot about you, and I know all these things are going on that are playing various roles in your life and actions…”—which was helpful to hear, because at that point it was hard to feel like I was being unduly attacked. This person got me and got what was going on in my life, and they cared about me. Still wasn’t exactly the most pleasant experience, but it put me in a different headspace, one far more conducive to a serious discussion and not one that would descend into me being defensive and us maybe getting into a fight.

          After setting the tone with that, it was mostly, “Put yourself in my shoes…” or “What would you say to Julie if she felt Sam was acting this way?” kind of hypothetical questions, that forced me out of my own self-justification feedback loop, and helped me to see clearly how my actions were affecting someone I cared about.

          1. larsgarvey +1

            I hope that at least made like 15% sense. Definitely feel like I am suffering from “Monday morning brain” at the moment.

    5. SmrtCookie +19

      Wanting to walk away is a good enough reason to walk away.

      It sounds like your dude is your equal when it comes to physical labor but he’s not holding up his end of the emotional labor. That’s important! Unfortunately it can take a lot more emotional labor to get him to understand why that bothers you, it’s up to you whether you want to do that labor.

      1. lemonadefish +11

        Yes, this! You don’t need A Reason to end a relationship. There is no jury who will decide if your feelings are legitimate. You can just end it because that’s what you need / want to do.

      2. teaandcakeordeath +2

        This is really true! I think as it took me so long to find someone willing to split the physical labor that I overlooked the emotional labor but it is hard to keep that up long term.

    6. iosognodisonno +13

      It is not and it’s pretty clear you came hear to get a specific answer that you already know is the right answer.

      Just try to be as kind about it as possible and cut off contact if you think there’s a chance you’ll cave if he tries to convince you to come back. Then dive into whatever self-care stuff you need to get over it. Good luck!

      1. teaandcakeordeath +1

        Really solid advice – pretty much every situation is improved by being extra kind. Thanks!

    7. HistorianNina +24

      Those seem like kind of big “but”s. It doesn’t even seem like a case of wanting more, but a case of wanting him to, you know, be your boyfriend. Doing stuff together (if you live near each other, obvs) and being emotionally supportive seem like pretty basic partner stuff. You say he is sweet and kind, but…skipping out on helping you move when he said he would and tuning you out when you want a sounding board for big things like GRAD SCHOOL and A COLLEAGUE’S SUICIDE doesn’t seem very sweet or kind. Those actions seem disinterested and callous. He doesn’t sound interested in your life at all.

      Yes, I suppose it’s possible that there is some underlying problem (social anxiety or something like larsgarvey suggested), but that doesn’t mean you have to stick around and deal with that. Honestly, you ask when to walk away from a good relationship, but it doesn’t even sound like it’s that good of a relationship! Walk away! Find someone who will prioritize you and listen when you talk and read links you send and jump at the chance to take a vacation or try a new restaurant with you!

      1. teaandcakeordeath +3

        It is slightly pathetic how much your last sentence excited me. Thanks for affirming what has been whizzing through my head!

    8. meat lord +10

      It’s not too much to want more.

      If he can’t follow through on plans, listen to you when you’re going through heavy stuff, or help you with big life things, then… in Captain Awkward parlance, he sounds like a “small doses friend,” rather than partner or even close friend material.

      He may be a good person, but he does not sound like a good boyfriend for you, or a good boyfriend in general.

      1. teaandcakeordeath +1

        I think youre right, and ahhhh i really care about him but youre really right. Thank you!

    9. arlette +13

      It sounds like he treats you more like an accessory than a partner. :/

      As to what you want: It’s not just about wanting someone who can make plans; it’s about wanting someone who’s interested in you as a whole person, including the parts of your life that don’t immediately, directly affect him.

      You will never talk yourself out of wanting that. Sounds like it’s time to go.

      1. teaandcakeordeath

        I think youre right – gosh it sounds so basic when you phrase it that way. Thank you!

    10. Zelenka +3

      He’s a good person if you say so, but it doesn’t sound like he’s the right person for you. I’m sorry

    11. Maryaed +11

      I don’t know how long you have been together, but if it’s a fairly new relationship and it’s always been this way I would assume it’s always going to be this way. My marriage started off that way and I was all “ohh, I don’t need to be fussed over, it’s not a big deal” and “I can take care of myself” and “one person can’t be everything to you,” but you know what? It’s a big deal if your partner can’t find time to share at least a couple of your interests. And not sharing important emotional stuff is even bigger. After a while, I ended up outsourcing most of the fun, connected part of my life to friends and coworkers, and in the end our shared home wasn’t ever where I would go to get support and connection. That hurt to realize.

      You can’t make someone want to do that stuff.

      1. teaandcakeordeath +2

        It has been 3 years and already I am outsourcing everything too, vacations, emotional support, and just a general connection. And it does hurt to care that much about someone but feel like nothing is really shared. I too used to think that one person cant be everything and I still believe it but I also think that a husband should be more. Ironically he has started hinting about marriage which is why I am thinking so hard.
        Thanks for the advice and I hope things are better for you.

        1. Maryaed +5

          Yeah, that sounds like a big red flag. I’m guessing he has a sense of comfort in having found a low-effort situation, but it does not sound equally relaxing for you. I do think there are people who want to merely coexist. Those people should marry each other, and not people like us who want interaction and intimacy. (I think marriage is ESPECIALLY risky because so many people think it is a license for complacency.)

          I ended up falling in love with my coworker because guess what, having someone who listens to what you say and remembers it and follows up, and wants to meet your friends and admire you in your element is intoxicating. So everything blew up, but these several years later coworker and I are very happy, and he is still the first person I call when I need to talk about stuff. All that is wonderful. It would have been better for me to figure out early what I needed before so much unhappiness resulted though. Good for you for spotting it early.

    12. teaandcakeordeath +2

      Thanks everyone – compassionate sensitive supportive advice has always been the best thing about this community and I really really appreciate your kind words.

      1. Dysphonica +6

        Late to join the “you can do better” chorus, but: I suspect you WILL do better, and be happier. Good luck.

      1. larsgarvey +13

        There is almost no other fictional character that I would like to drink with than the Bunk.

        Maybe Jordan Baker from “The Great Gatsby.” I feel like Jordan would have enjoyed 1920s equivalent of The Toast.

        1. rolotomassi5 +5

          Hell yes. The Bunk is a cool funny collected motherfucker. I’d love to share a handle of whiskey with him.

  56. smallpistachio +47

    SOBBING RANT TIME

    I will never find a job. I have all sorts of good skills but that doesn’t matter to the people who do the hiring. And everyone says “oh, I’ll let you know if I hear of anything.” No, you won’t. Stop lying to me. Just stop lying. And stop patronizing me. You’re only making yourself feel good, which is nothing to me.

    2. foxinthe_snow +11

      YES I FEEL YOU. I’m so fed up of rejection after rejection and even more fed up of well-meaning people who suggest things I have expressly told them I do. not. want. to. do.
      I have worked 4 different cafe jobs over the years, I know what they are like! and I know that waitressing is not right for me anymore! And of course the people who keep suggesting them are the ones who have never done that sort of job and have no idea how stressful and physically demanding they are, particularly when you’re paid pittance and frequently have to deal with a shitty work environment and rude customers.

      Let’s rant more! I have lots in me.

    3. AmyEntropy +13

      I think you’re me posting from 10 years in the past. Dear past me, you will get a job within the year. (hugs)

    5. larsgarvey +5

      Total empathy. I moved to Seattle and had a great telecommuting job, but I knew it would come to an end. But I was all like, “I is smart, has great resume and experiences, and interview okay.” And welcome to almost eight months of underemployment, temp jobs, doing communications and design work for barely minimum wage (where my friends were doing less for a ton more)…

      Now I have an okay job. It’s a great team, which really helps, but the money is not super, the PTO is non existent (until you’ve been here for like 3 years…). And I got the interview through the guy who helped me get contracts. A friend of a friend was hiring and he made a call.

      I have a pretty decent looking resume (put some serious time into the design and the content), have an okay personal website (playful in tone, but not too much so; my portfolios; even an interview I did with the Seattle Review of Books)… and nothing. Not until “a friend of a friend”-type situation.

      Stick it out. You sound like the kind of person someone is eventually going to yell “Oh my god! We’re so lucky to have found you!” about.

      And even if it’s not exactly where you want to be right off the bat, that’s okay. I’m not 100% where I want to be after that grueling period in my life, but I no longer wake up at 4 am wondering how the hell I’m going to make ends meet. #smallvictories

    6. shartbreaker +3

      Idk if this will make you more upset, but if you have a car and a smartphone, Uber is a good way to make money.
      My boyfriend started driving for them and he really loves it. For instance, just at night on Wednesday he made $80. If that was the average (which obviously will be much higher on weekends), he would make over $2,000 a month just working part time. I just wanted to throw that out there if you are needing money in the interim.

  57. hrpdrpgrb +52

    HI ALL, a fellow Toastie started a GoFundMe to provide our beloved Toast creators and editors and etc. with all the tiny cakes and sumptuous lotions (I do not remember the exact adjectives and nouns) that their beautiful hearts desire: https://www.gofundme.com/thankthetoast

  58. Scared_Vagina +18

    I had a job interview yesterday and one of my interviewers looked a lot like Nicole, which gave me a good feeling about the job.

    1. katerkins +9

      I saw a dog a few months ago that looked just like Mallory. Unfortunately I was in a moving vehicle and couldn’t take a picture. It gave me a feeling of peace.

      Best wishes on your job!

  59. Either_Ada +50

    So, I’m about to move into a house of my own and thus be able to get a dog this summer, possibly a corgi, possibly named Ein Rand. I was planning so many OT puppy/objectivist posts, Toasts. And now?

    2. ladyimogen +12

      Post them on twitter! on instagram! We will all follow Objectivist Puppy forever and ever.

      1. Apfelmoose +7

        Yes – I will follow all Toast dogs on Instagram, but especially Objectivist Puppy.

  61. thisclimbingbean +8

    OK, so I was going to go to bed but then realised I’d not put the bread on, and i did that, and now I’m WIDE AWAKE. Bah.

    Anyway. I was hoping to be up for the Open Thread because I wanted Toast advice on skincare. And now everyone is sad 🙁

    Perhaps you could give me skincare advice as a distraction…?

    I figure I should probably start taking care of my skin, with the whole recently turning 40 and all. The Australian climate is generally pretty dry and there is a lot of sun, but I’m pretty careful with sunscreen, covering up, etc. And I used to be really good at daily washing, moisturising, etc, but since having children, that routine has kind of gone out the window. I use coconut oil now and then but I find it’s too oily (gives me breakout). I’m fairly oily in the t-zone and also sensitive to a lot of products (think Clinique and Neutrogena which make my skin peel or give me a rash) and also want something simple and quick, which is ethically produced. I used to be a cosmetics saleswoman once upon a time, so I knew my way around products, but now I’m completely overwhelmed with choice and have no idea where to start. All I know is I want to make sure I’m not too wrinkly or oily, and I want to be clean. How hard can that be, right?!

    Suggestions?

    1. MopRocks +2

      I use Simple brand face washes and lotions. They’re cheap (!) and they don’t break out my super sensitive skin. I can even use the exfoliating scrub (weekly) without dire consequences. Highly recommend.

      1. thisclimbingbean +1

        Thank you for reminding me about Simple! I used it once upon a time about 20 years ago. I should give it another go, and I do remember it being reasonably priced.

        1. MopRocks +2

          Of course! I get it at Target or Walgreens and it’s usually around $5-$6 per product.

    2. sausagedog +3

      I have pretty sensitive skin (putting stuff on it –> pimples) but I love St. Ives oatmeal scrub/mask, it makes my skin look really nice and calm and seems to keep down oil. Plus, oatmeal is not a super harsh exfoliant, so it’s ok for everyday use.

      I also occasionally use tea tree oil to spot fix breakouts, but that does irritate some people.

      1. thisclimbingbean +1

        I used to use a homemade oatmeal scrub… trying to remember now why I stopped?! And Jurilique did an oatmeal honey thing I really liked, but I just can’t face shelling out all that cash for it.

      2. mspym +2

        The St Ives oatmeal and shea butter is my go-to moisteriser. It hydrates for hours without feeling greasy and doesn’t clog my pores the way cocoa butter does. Also doesn’t trigger my dermatitis which is a major bonus.

        1. thisclimbingbean +1

          Yeah, cocoa butter hasn’t worked well for me. I think I saw this very moisturiser yesterday, and I’m going into town tomorrow, so I might pick some up. Thank you!

    3. kayloulee +4

      I’m also in Australia and oily in the t-zone and dry elsewhere!

      My recommendation: Sukin brand moisturisers/cleansers and what have you. They are mostly made out of plants and are vegan and free from many things. I use the facial moisturiser for most of my face, a little less of it on my t-zone than elsewhere, and the foaming facial cleanser for washing my face. I don’t cleanse my face when I get right out of the shower, I only use it when I haven’t showered or when I’m about to go to bed. They also have a bunch of fiercer cleansers out now, I think they’re charcoal-based, but I don’t use them myself so I can’t review them. Fun fact: the body lotion and the facial moisturiser are exactly the same product in different sized bottles, so if you find you like the facial moisturiser, just buy the body lotion and you can save money overall and use it on the rest of yourself.

      I buy Sukin stuff at Chemist Warehouse and/or Priceline, most of the major pharmacies carry it, but not any supermarkets as far as I know.

      1. catatatatat +3

        Australian Pure Beauty makes some cheaper similar stuff, and I found that at Priceline.

        1. thisclimbingbean +1

          I’ll make a note of that to check it out when I’m next in Perth. Don’t think we have a Priceline here (but will see if the pharmacies have it any way). Thank you.

      2. loren_smith +2

        I have used Sukin and really enjoyed it! Smells lovely, but not artificial!

      3. thisclimbingbean +1

        SUKIN, YES. I’ve used a few things from them before with really good results. How did I forget about them?!

        the body lotion and the facial moisturiser are exactly the same product in different sized bottles, so if you find you like the facial moisturiser, just buy the body lotion and you can save money overall and use it on the rest of yourself.

        That is a really cool thing to know. Thank you!

    4. CanuteGoodman +1

      I’ve been using Rosehip oil for about two months now, and it has been gorgeous so far. I got it from Healthpost, an NZ site that delivers worldwide and takes their ethical commitments pretty seriously. I don’t have notably oily skin but I’ve heard good things about Rosehip oil from people who do, and it’s made my skin practically glow with softness. It’s meant to help with wrinkles and all that too, but I honestly just like the clean smooth way it makes my face feel.

      And my mother is hypersensitive to nearly every product ever and she’s been able to use it no problem. It’s reasonably inexpensive too, so at this point I’d recommend anyone give it a shot.

      1. thisclimbingbean +1

        How interesting. Thanks for the site name, I’ve looked them up, and they also have an Australian website… also noticed that a couple of the brands they stock I might be able to just get locally, so that’s a plus.

    5. SemperLegens +1

      I’ve recently started getting into Korean skincare routines – and while it is a giant rabbit hole and super overwhelming unless taken in small doses, I have found two things that I absolutely love:

      Super soothing, very gentle, and great with oily skin – I use this every single day, twice a day: http://www.amazon.com/Su-Miracle-Rose-Cleanser-St…
      I use this about twice a week, and I want to lick my own face off (in a good way): http://www.amazon.com/Skinfood-Black-Sugar-Honey-…

      They are relatively cheap on amazon for me in the US, not sure about sourcing for AU.

      1. thisclimbingbean +1

        Someone else I know was just telling me about Korean skincare routines! I obviously need to investigate this further. Thanks!

  62. SmrtCookie +24

    Ok toasties, stiff up lip, our hearts will go on, etc, etc. What are your plans for this weekend?

    I’m cooking fancy dinner and eating LMM crush cake tonight. It looks like the rest of the weekend should 1 rainy day, 1 nice day so should be able to make giant leaps forward in both gardening and quilting.

    Although I’m also considering doing a couple Toast cross stitches so my garden and quilt may languish undone for another week…

    1. teabeey +5

      Burying my grief in video games! Also housework, probably. The best time to put some angry lady tunes and clean shit.

    2. Nashirakins +2

      Depending on whether or not my school gets back to me, I’m either going to be panicking about WILL I START JUNE 1 OR NOT or mildly panicking about starting June 1. I may call my enrollment counselor this evening to verify… Ugh, I just want to know? And start studying?

    3. winterbymorning +9

      I’m getting a massage! From a real massage therapist! I’ve had these knots in my shoulders for months and maybe they will finally go awaaay.

      It’s shaping up to be a drizzly cold weekend so apart from that my plans are just staying in bed with books, husband and cat.

    5. Absotively +4

      Netrunner regional championship! This is the highest level of Netrunner competition that will be in my city this year, probably. And I’m not sure if I’m willing to travel for Netrunner tournaments just yet, so this is pretty exciting.

      Overview since I haven’t mentioned Netrunner here lately: It’s a two-player cyberpunk card game, where one player is a giant corporation and the other player is a hacker (“runner”) trying to steal their data. It’s fun! And exceedingly nerdy.

      Impenetrably nerdy details: I have a corporation deck that I’m happy with, but my runner game has been lousy lately. I’m going to give Dumblefork another try online tonight, but if I still can’t get the hang of it then I think I might just take a CT Stimshop deck with Artist Colony.

      1. Hadrosaur +1

        That sounds awesome! I love cyberpunk and Magic: The Gathering, I should definitely try playing this. Good luck with the tournament!

        1. Absotively +2

          You definitely should! The official video introduction/tutorial is a pretty good place to start, I think.

          One of the big differences for Magic players is that all the cards are sold in fixed-distribution sets. If you want a particular card, you buy the set it comes in, and then you have a full playset of that card and every other card in the set. Unless it’s in the core set, because the core set doesn’t have full playsets of every card, but every copy of the core set does have the same cards.

          New cards are currently released roughly once a month, in sets of nineteen or twenty different cards for around $15 US. So it’s still not the cheapest thing ever if you want all the cards, but it is substantially cheaper than competitive Magic. (Disclaimer: I’ve never played Magic, this is basically just what the internet tells me.)

          And thank you for wishing me luck – it must have worked, I placed higher than I usually do, and I won a playmat!

          1. Hadrosaur +2

            Thanks for info – that does sound cheaper than Magic! Congratulations on winning a playmat 🙂

          2. Absotively +2

            Thank you! And best of luck with Netrunner – I’m always glad to try to infect other people with my mild obsession with it.

    6. sausagedog +4

      Packing, unfortunately. But also maybe D&D with my sadly soon-to-be-ex roommates, and also since I have had A Week maybe I’ll be able to convince my SO to drive out to Brimfield with me and look at old furniture that neither one of us has space for?

    7. ashurredly +2

      I think tonight I shall stay in my bed and watch Shondaland. I didn’t know The Catch was a thing, so I will check that out after Grey’s and Scandal.

      And then I will read and maybe have some wine and in general be a cozy homebody this weekend. Then I have a bookclub on Monday!

    8. hawthorn_tree +1

      I’m going to cook a fancy cake and make curry and get drinks with a friend to celebrate the end of the semester/mourn the toast.

    9. Passing_Strange +4

      I have had a horrible week (fight with girlfriend, emails from my abusive father who I have repeatedly asked not to contact me, stress at work), but this is my first weekend in awhile where I’m not really busy. I have a massage after work today, and then I’m going to eat cheese, watch Winter Soldier on netflix and go to bed early. And then tomorrow I will go see Civil War in theatres!

      On Sunday I have a phone date with my sisters and a date date with my girlfriend.

      The rest of the weekend will be for napping with my cat. I can’t wait.

    10. actualmeg +1

      I impulsively signed up for a neighborhood clean-up event (think: painting over graffiti, pulling down old flyers). Which I feel pretty good about, except for the fact that I have a paper to work on and a thesis draft due by the end of the weekend. If it’s nice out I might take a run around the park.

    11. Es_Petal +6

      I am at a wedding tomorrow. Drove up today. the gentleman caller has gone out with the groom, the bride and most of the laydeez are in the hotel bar and I have just got out of the bath and am lying unclothed on the bed arsing about on tinternet. Debating whether to go and have dinner in the bar or get room service.

    12. HistorianNina +1

      I have so much to do this weekend, argh. It was supposed to be Mother’s Day, Observed around here because on actual Mother’s Day we had a plumber in to rerout a pipe and then emptied the kitchen to put in new cabinets, but this weekend suddenly it’s soccer and picking out paint for the kitchen/living room (since they had to cut open the walls and ceiling) and buying a new sink and faucet (yay! our old ones are crap!) and borrowing a truck to haul away the brush pile and our xmas tree (!!) from the back yard and I just don’t see any room in there for alone time to celebrate Mother’s Day. It’s all good stuff, but things have been so chaotic and stressful, I just really want a quiet weekend someday.

    13. sunfastrose

      My refrigerator broke so I have to go buy a new one. Not a problem since I wanted to buy a new one and have the money, but I also wanted to do it as part of a whole kitchen renovation. Ah well. So shopping for a refrigerator and also going to a kitchen remodeling showroom to kickstart a whole big process.

    14. swordsnspindles +2

      Baking tiny LMM crush cakes sounds like a perfect strategy to cope, to be honest. I will do that, I think.

  63. thebellewitch +62

    Ugh, today’s Toast news led to me ranting for like 30 minutes to my husband about the futility of the Internet and media and how bad the failure of all business models is for society. Anyone want to stand with me on my crate on a street corner and scream ‘THE MEDIA IS DEAD, IT JUST DOESN’T KNOW IT YET!’? (I’m a reporter who writes mainly for online outlets, so I’ve been yelling this for like 6 years.)

    1. tritogeniae +17

      YES LET’S

      No, but seriously, I’m so sad to lose a space for the type of writing that the Toast inspired and supported. I really hope other places open their doors to this type of work. Because man is it special.

    2. jenihackett +12

      I’m a science journalist who currently mainly writes for digital outlets and is desperately trying to get a job with a kids’ magazine because Digital Media Is So Very Dead. (There are no jobs unless you’re okay with the constant pressure to write five stories a day that are unreported and get thousands of clicks NO THANKS.)

      1. thebellewitch +2

        Hey, we’re very similar! Also a science journalist. Moving lately toward a lot more writing for professional institutes and medical specialty sites. It’s not that inspiring, but it’s keeping my freelance career alive for now.

    3. TheRenleigh +26

      I’m so worried that the Golden Age of the Internet is over. I’ve fallen hard for a number of sites and more and more of them have shut down/become a shadow of their former selves. I don’t want to live in a world where the internet killed print and then got sick so that all that’s left is garbage clickbait content mills. I mean, I enjoy the social parts of the internet where I talk to my pals, but I still want there to be lots of places where people can write real, wonderful articles.

      1. larsgarvey +13

        I think this is the ice shard still stuck in my heart about all of this terrible Toast news. I don’t want to live in a dystopian wasteland of “garbage clickbait content mills,” even if Vangelis or Brian Eno does the soundtrack!

    4. amatyultare256 +10

      I will 100% join you on that street corner, and harmonize our screaming. (Mine will be more about how WE NEED BETTER FUNDING MODELS, ADVERTISING IS A BROKEN SYSTEM, WE NEED TO DEVELOP AND NORMALIZE MORE CREATER-CENTRIC WAYS OF SUPPORTING GOOD CONTENT. Patreon are Kickstarter are nice first steps, but WE NEED TO KEEP GOING.)

  64. paperbgprincess +69

    I’m just really thankful for this place and for all of you. I’m not quite ready to say goodbye yet and I’m glad we still have a while to get used to the idea before it really ends.

    I wanted to share one funny anecdote that happened to me yesterday. I went on a first date and when I told him he needed to watch Lemonade he started talking about all his favorite music movies and mentioned “Yellow Submarine.” I just kind of stared at him and said “I haven’t seen it. I don’t like the Beatles.” He looked gobsmacked and said “I think that might be blasphemous.” And I said “I don’t care. They’re not for me.”

    Then he kept droning on about something else but, whatever, it wasn’t important.

  65. BonnieStClair +33

    On this somber Toast day, I come to you Toasties with a question about another sort of chapter-closing sadness, which is that I’m currently fostering 2 kittens and will most likely be sending them to their (as yet undetermined) permanent homes within the next couple weeks. And I feel so sad about it! I know there are a lot of animal lovers here, so I’m wondering if anyone else has fostered animals and dealt with the emotions of not being able to keep them.

    The kittens I’ve been fostering are adorable and sweet and so spunky, and I would *love* to keep them. But my girlfriend has a really strong allergy to cats (we don’t live together, but she’s at my house a lot; she’s been helping me foster and has started to notice her allergies getting worse as the kittens have gotten older). In addition to the allergy issue, I’m also not sure that I’m in a place in my life yet where it makes sense to adopt animals in the long-term, especially because my mom has several older rescue cats that I would like to be able to help her care for as they start to have health issues that come with older age. (And I already feel like I don’t visit my mom and my family’s cats enough, even without the extra time commitment of having animals of my own to care for.)

    I really like the idea of fostering, because it seems so mutually beneficial for the animals, the shelter, and for me (because I get to temporarily take care of adorable kittens in my home!) But the part that entails giving the animals up and being really sad about it is making me think that maybe I’m not cut out for fostering…

    Edit: here’s a blurry picture of the cuties staring at themselves in the mirror:
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    1. foxinthe_snow +7

      The one on the left looks like my beloved childhood cat when she was a similarly tiny, fluffy kitten. I don’t have any advice, I’m afraid, but sending hugs because I can imagine how hard it is.

      1. BonnieStClair +1

        I appreciate the hugs! It’s interesting you mention that about your beloved childhood cat, because the foster kitten on the right looks a lot like my beloved childhood cat, just with a slight difference in the coloring on his chin. Oh, beloved childhood cats. <3

    2. coloredlights +7

      I have fostered many kittens! Usually I find that I am ready for them to go to their permanent homes (but I’m kind of attached to one of my current fosters shhhhhh). It helps that I have two of my own cats, and there is a rule in my house about not having more cats than people. I can talk myself out of wanting to keep another by imagining what would happen if all three of them wanted to sit on laps at once.

      Do you know the people who are adopting them? Could you friend them on facebook or something to get kitten updates as they grow? I’ve had that happen with adopters I didn’t know beforehand, and once I convinced my best friend to adopt, so I can still see the now-adult cats from time to time.

      1. BonnieStClair +1

        Ah, yes, I think having my own cat(s) would help me with the emotions of fostering. (And ha, the lap equation does sound tricky.)

        I don’t yet know who might adopt these kittens, but I hope to be able to find people who are friends of friends or somehow otherwise vetted, and who could give me occasional updates on them as they get older.

    3. aintnothingtoit +4

      I haven’t been in this position exactly, but I am a dog walker and have been very much in love with and attached to some pups who have moved away. My best advice is to let yourself mourn, keep a memento (I still have my best gal Bianca’s tag from her set of keys), and to wait a while to see how them leaving hits you before deciding you’re not cut out for this. I was heartbroken to lose my pups, but I was surprised at how quickly that translated into a joy that it had happened at all. The allergy thing is a whole different story. Whatever you decide, you did a wonderful thing by fostering. Best of luck in this transition!

      1. BonnieStClair +1

        Thank you for your advice! What you mentioned about heartbreak turning into joy about the experience happening at all was how I eventually, after a lot of tears, felt after my beloved cat passed away a few years ago from old age. So, I’m hopeful I could come to feel that way about fostering too.

    4. parlato1973 +5

      in my experience, the act of giving so much care and attention to animals that are so cute, something happens that isn’t quite covered by the word “attachment.” i think care taking brings out a sort of mothering thing that’s more like an instinct than just the idea that you like them or want them. i fostered 13 kittens last year and would have kept any of them [and preferably all of them] had i not committed to adopting out every single one.

      what i focus on is that all cats are amazing, not just these cats. and the idea that keeping cats can only give a limited number homes, but fostering and finding great adopters means getting lots more cats homes. and finally, it doesn’t have to end. you can foster again and again and love all the kittens!

      what has also helped is that my adopters are all amazing cat lovers, more than half of whom STILL text me pics a year later. and some let me stop by to visit. but, look, no matter how good your adopters are, you still cry a lot when you get in the car after running there when you finally get a minute alone. you might even cry on the drive over. it’s hard to separate after caring for something so much, but it does pass. because it’s kitten season, and there are always more coming!

      1. BonnieStClair +1

        Aw, thank you for sharing your experience. Reading everyone’s comments here has made me tear up, but it’s helpful to hear from people who it sounds like have had great experiences fostering. All of what you said makes sense and seems important to remember. I guess the mothering instinct that you mention is especially coming out right now for me in terms of worrying about finding an adopter(s) who will provide a loving permanent home for the kittens, as I’ve known some people in the past who seemed to think of cats as being disposable when they got tired of them. It’s heartening to hear that you’ve found so many great adopters for the kittens you’ve fostered!

        1. parlato1973 +2

          quick question: are you working with an adoption org or just looking to get them adopted on your own? the org i worked with has a questionnaire that has a lot of good questions for determining how good the adopters will be, and a decent fee, and a serious enough contract that it really helps expose and screen out all but the most serious adopters. if you’re on your own, i might suggest searching out a local org and signing up with them, not only for their protections & advocacy, but for the tax deductions [if you’re in the US, you may deduct all out-of-pocket expenses in association with a non-profit you have signed on with].

          check out kittenrescue.org to get an idea of the standard adoption questions. personally i look for people who understand the dangers of unsupervised outdoor privileges, those who have a low cap on vet spending, can’t/won’t deal with behavioral issues, and people who freely report having lost previous pets to their own negligence. a surprising amount of people see them as disposable, but will look you in the face swear they are ready for the responsibility.

          and a quick aside: if you are working independently and are hoping the new adopters will spay & neuter, i’d gently suggest reconsidering getting it done yourself and adding the cost to the rehoming fee. enough people put this off that it’s worth doing while you have them in your hands.

          in fact, if you are working independently and have any questions, email me anytime. i learned so much about adoptions last year that i didn’t know even after having cats for 20 years, it’s changed how i approach new owners. heather.parlato at gmail.com

          1. BonnieStClair +1

            My apologies for not answering this sooner, and thank you for your insights and for the email offer! I appreciate you taking the time to share this info. As it turns out, I adopted the two foster kittens, after my girlfriend made some successful adjustments to her allergy medication and I did further research about reducing the spread of dander in one’s home. We’re both loving having them around and taking care of them, and I’m trying to be vigilant about cleaning and making this work since rehoming them isn’t an acceptable option to me (i.e., if I need to move in the future to find a setup that will work better for the allergy issue, I’ll do that). I catch myself feeling super excited when I remember that I have cats now, after having wanted to get a cat for several years now, so I’m cautiously optimistic that all this will continue to go well without having to make any huge life adjustments. (And I hope, if this continues to go well, that I can consider fostering again in the future since the county-operated shelter that I fostered for has had a lot of kittens come in so far this summer.)

  66. tombstone +64

    A Note To The Community Which I Have Come To Love So Much:
    THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO SEE:
    – “Self-promotion” in some centralized-ish place: If people have blogs or Tumblrs or Twitters or whatnot with ongoing content that they think would be of interest to the Scattering Crumbs, I’d love to be able to start subscribing/following/bookmarking en masse.
    – Requests for existing niches of refuge: One of the things that is making this all so painful for me, and which I suspect is true for many of you, is that The Toast feels so terribly unique. But there are hidden corners everywhere, and I think we need to offer them to each other with vigor now! Mind, these are just ideas, but I’m envisioning something, here or on the new Reddit, where someone could whinge a little about some special attribute of The Toast that they’re going to miss a la “Where oh where do people have polite conversations about spirituality that assume a deep foundation of respect for feminist principles but also don’t belittle my need for Latin declensions to be part of my religion?” and then other commenters could offer up anything they can think of that might staunch that wound, with notes about how it differs from how The Toast fit the need (e.g., “Mostly men,” “people tend to use their public scholarly names commenting,” “there are blinking glitter gifs everywhere”) so we could all be advised.

    Do these seem like things other people feel are needed? Let’s talk about the community planning we need to start doing; what would you like to see?

    (My tumblr is kixiqu.tumblr.com, though it’s sort of calibrated for a lower level of intellectual engagement than the commentariat here may rightly have come to expect)

      1. swordsnspindles +4

        I truly, definitely need a Collection of Scattered Crumbs. The spreadsheet is wonderful, maybe you can also add the info that ppyajunebug has apparently started a Slack group? And I bet there are more loose Crumbs around.

  68. bastardsnow +105

    Friends, we all know that Reddit is often a cesspit of dudebros, misogyny, and terribleness. But please come join us at https://www.reddit.com/r/ToastCrumbs as we are determined to keep the community alive. It’s just getting set up, but I know our plan is for it to be *heavily* moderated to keep out – not the riff raff, as we are many of us just that, but rather the non-toast-like community. Come help us make it better?

    1. Abracadanielle +61

      The Toast and all you lovelies mean so much to me I’d even sign up for Reddit!

      And I’m excited about classing up the joint with a massive influx of queer librarians.

    3. sabinabemani +7

      Joined already! So happy to have a safe comfy wonderful corner of Reddit to curl up in. <3

    5. larsgarvey +4

      I think /r/ToastieRefugees (or ToastRefugees) is also a thing. It was in the awful bad hard cry announcement comments

      2. actualmeg +11

        I think we’ve settled on r/ToastCrumbs–the commenter who created ToastRefugees said she’s leaving it up temporarily to redirect interested people over to ToastCrumbs, then deleting it.

        1. annabel +1

          I just created an account, I think? All the variations of annabel I use were already taken, so I am maisydaphnestella there. I am also now on twitter!?!?! Mallory and Nicole are forcing me onto social media in spite of myself.

  69. annecara +15

    So the Philly Toasts meetup picnic yesterday was really fun? And the weather was miraculously great? And if any Philly Toasties are reading, I love you all, let’s do it again sometime. <3

    1. unleavings +5

      I am now even sadder that I missed the picnic. Are Philly toasts on FB? Would we be interested in a group there? I’ll put this in the google group, too.

    3. unleavings +3

      I started a Philly Toasts channel on the slack group, too — see ppyajunebug’s thread on the first page to join.

      1. unleavings +3

        …and we can’t add any members at the moment, but watch that thread for updates. :/

    4. manuscriptgeek +3

      I would love that. I missed it because I had not met my grading quota, and then this morning I felt really, really bad about not having turned up.

    5. iwouldwalk500giles +3

      I missed yesterday’s, something I especially regret now. So I’d LOVE to.

    6. bread_and_roses +3

      I’m sorry I couldn’t participate this time. I’d love to be in for a future one.

    7. ToTheIsLand +7

      Yes, it was great! There was a high percentage of dyed hair, bright lipsticks, and humanities degrees among the group, which seemed about right. Everyone was funny and generous and I got to tell my “accidentally making out in front of a creepy possum” story and eat cream puffs. A+

      1. annecara +3

        Oh hi I know who you are! 😀 Yes, it was such a fun time, and those cream puffs were delicious!

        1. ToTheIsLand +3

          Thanks for being the one to post here about it and being anchor blanket for the picnic!

  70. turanga_leela +19

    I have had a rough week. Mostly it is because my mom died in February and now my sister is helping my dad by selling my mom’s things on Facebook. We did already go through her things and I took what I wanted, but seeing all this stuff, that reminds me of my mom, being sold is giving me all kinds of feels. And now the Toast is leaving. Blerg!

    1. Thunderkant +5

      I am so sorry for your loss! Try to do something that takes your mind away today :/

    4. RoseCamelia +2

      Oh Toastfriend, I am very sorry to learn your mom died. I wish you time for grief, time for distraction, and copious serenity. ::Toasthugs::

  71. radiantsqui3d +17

    I’m still kinda crying. This has got to be a sign of the Apocalypse? Anyway, I still want to talk to you, dearest Toastonians, so here’s my open thread thing for this week:

    This week’s class was on Highway to Heaven, which is nauseating kitsch and therefore perfect for analysing it in class.
    My students, especially the one who had prepared the presentation on the show, had no idea how to deal with a show where every episode is the same. I myself grew up in that time when episodic narratives gave way to more overreaching story arcs, so I’ve always known both. The big TV Shows of my child- and teenagehood were all in between (just this side of the X-files, Buffy, Stargate SG-1, Star Trek Voyager and Deep Space Nine) . I have always loved the case/monster/patient-of-the-week kind of model, and I adore episodic TV, it’s soothing.
    It’s very interesting how Watching TV is a thing that changes in time?

    So. Can we talk old TV? About shows, about your experience watching them?

    1. Theo_Winterwood +5

      I don’t watch much TV, but at some point, I developed kind of a big soft spot for The Mary Tyler Moore Show . . . I agree about the soothing nature of old episodic television shows; I think that’s most of the draw for things like MTM and Taxi for me. (I’ve only seen the first couple of seasons of Taxi because my parents owned it for some reason, but that also probably has the most soothing opening credits sequence of all time.)

    2. catcet +2

      I used to spend a fair bit of time watching TVLand back when it was still about vintage TV – mostly I Love Lucy and M.A.S.H. For the record, it’s a very weird feeling to be twelve years old and really just want to talk about TV shows that none of your friends have heard of. Good thing I found the internet.

    3. rebeccalibrarian +1

      I love shows that do episodic tv well. Not old tv, but imo Supernatural is at its best when it is monster of the week rather than overreaching story arc. BUT there are some shows that do/did the overreaching story arcs SO well and would have lost a lot by being too episodic (Lost was one that I adored).

      I do find it interesting how much expectation there is now for most shows to do arcs rather than episodes. I hadn’t thought about it as a cultural shift, but I totally see it now that you’ve pointed it out. There is something comforting about a show where I can just watch an episode and not have to worry too much about the larger story arc (though the best episodic shows of course include some larger character development arcs, etc.). One that comes to mind is M.A.S.H. of which I have seen many random episodes and never felt like I was missing something because I hadn’t seen others.

    4. iosognodisonno +1

      It’s embarrassing to me now, but I watched a lot of tv in high school and it was explicitly not good tv – Family Matters, Saved by the Bell, all the TGIF stuff (the exception that I think I’d still like now is Fresh Prince). I think it was just because it was a familiar routine? It came on after school, I could just plop down and turn it on and know it would be there.

      Now I wish I could get all that time back and use it to watch one of the bajillion better shows that are on my list.

  72. zachariahary +39

    *badly and loudly sings all of Time to Say Goodbye while everyone in the room uncomfortably tries to signal me to please god stop*
    *long pause*
    “WISHING YOU WERE SOMEHOWWWWWW HERE AGAIN…”

      1. AmyEntropy +9

        HELP ME SAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY……………GOODBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

      2. zachariahary +8

        Pretty much just running through every high-octane hyper emotion tragic show tune I can think of now.
        “Inside my heart is breaking/ my makeup may be flaking/ but my smi-”
        *dissolves into a sloppy sobbing puddle.*

        1. MopRocks +12

          Even before we got to 10, Pop, I was aiming for the sky. (I know, I know) I was aiming for the sky. (I know, I know.)

  73. ectocool +16

    Sooooo where does everyone go besides here and twitter to kill time at work?

    1. RudyRed +13

      ravelry.com

      It’s a knitting site, though, so might not have widespread appeal.

    3. sausagedog +9

      Ask A Manager is great in and of itself, but the comments are also generally readable and wise. The blogrunner doesn’t hammerban as much as I’d prefer, but things stay pretty civil and smart.

    5. felaleof +1

      Thank you so much for the lovely card! (Was that you?) Feel free to let me know if you’re ever in the nearby metro area and need or want some book-based sightseeing recommendations!

  74. Tarragoner +28

    I’ve just determined that I have two emotions. I used to have three, but grief is no longer beneficial. Denial is what it’s all about.
    This leaves me with resignation (is this even an emotion?), and sleepy. Also not an emotion.

  75. craneyourneck +28

    Thank you all x a million for sharing this beautiful sea room. This place has been a gift.

    We’ll find other internet spaces to hang out and talk about how much we miss The Toast, right? I need you all to share Nicole’s posts for The Guardian and Mallory’s best Dear Prudence questions, and any heartfelt essays Nikki writes or edits, etc.

  76. suzynjackson +29

    Hey, to everyone who sent love towards Johns Hopkins a couple of weeks ago, THANK YOU IT WORKED!!!

    And now where will I go to find you all? I completely get not wanting to do something you love anymore, but but… Can we move this community to Ravelry or something?

    1. msjinxie +3

      There is a Ravelry group – The Toast Fiber Guild! It’s not been terribly active so far, but that may change.

      1. fakely_mctest +2

        Ooh, do you have the link? We are doing a sidebar compendium of Toast groupings on the toastcrumbs subreddit.

  77. sabinabemani +40

    I’m really sad about this. I’ve really come to count on The Toast to help me stay sane when the rest of the world is getting my down. I applaud Mallory and Nicole for recognizing what they need to do for themselves, and doing it, and I’m happy that the archive will always be there, and that Toasties are proactively forming groups to maintain the sense of lovely community that has been here. But yeah- this is rough. The Toast has gotten me through so much rough stuff, and I have more rough stuff ahead.

    We’ll get through this. I just joined the Slack group.

    Also, Mallory, you kick major ass as Prudie. If this move enables you to continue kicking major ass as Prudie, then I’m for it. Sad, but I understand.

    1. robotneedslove +2

      I want to join the Slack group but lost the comment where the email is, and now we are at 9 pages and I’m at work… help?

  78. sillyrage +62

    I’ve been a daily reader of The Toast for a couple years now, but have never posted – I think I was waiting for the right first thing to say, but now that feels pretty foolish. I do now want to chime in to say that, even as a lurker, I have loved this place very much. The articles have made me laugh and cry and reconsider my place in the world, and so have all of you in the comments. Despite never getting up from my table to join the dancing, so to speak, I have felt a very real kind of belonging here, so thank you and I hope to follow you all wherever you go next.

    2. always a lurker

      always a lurker here, too. this has been a warm and interesting place to hang out, even if as a silent member. many thanks, you have all been wonderful

  79. Aunt Acid LW +31

    Hi all,
    I sent Aunt Acid letter in awhile ago, and I figured what with The News it might be nice to get some new/followup content from a previous Toast thing, so here goes:

    I wrote in about roommate tensions, particularly in regard to me getting stuck taking care of her cat a lot. This got both better and not; she got a job with more consistent hours, so there was less of the cat doing separation-anxiety meowing keeping me up in the night and me having to feed him, but even while physically present she’s inattentive enough that both the cat and I are having hygiene issues (he has fleas, and while I talked her into moving the litterbox out of the kitchen and into her room, it’s gotten so bad I can smell the fumes in all the common areas of the house.) The GOOD news is, I am moving out. Into a one bedroom. I’ve found a place that I love, and I’m putting in the application once I get back from a well-earned vacation next week (I’m seeing Hamilton!!! And Fun Home!!! I will be sure to think of you all during these things!!) Oh, and I also started therapy, utilizing some advice I also received on an open thread here once. Thanks for your help!

  80. foxinthe_snow +52

    Thank you for being here for me over the past few years, Toasties. For a long time I was incredibly isolated and PTSD, depression, and anxiety were making it difficult to function. But you were always here to make me laugh and learn and to give me amazing comfort and advice. I’m not sure I’d be here if it wasn’t for your compassion.
    It has been so much fun getting an insight into your lives, and the fact that there is such a huge number of intelligent, brave, hilarious people out in the world has given me so much hope.

    <3

    1. Social +6

      (((hugs))) It was always a pleasure to see you on the threads. Your empathy, warmth, and kindness have helped me more than you know.

  81. irreverantontheinternet +23

    What even IS today? I’m finally en route to the aquarium though and that’s where dreams come true. Pray for my similarly hungover friends who will have to deal with my unbridled fish-thusiasm.

    Life goals included having a piece published on the toast, so I guess I need to get on that!

    1. bird_internet +5

      Unbridled fish-thusiasts unite! I went to the National Aquarium a few months ago and I was more excited than at least half of the children I saw there, but I have no regrets. I got to touch a jellyfish!

  82. friendofdaja +42

    Will second (and third and fourth) all the feels about how disappointed I am that the Toast will not be a thing much longer. I’m super happy for and grateful to everyone who made it happen though. I can’t wait to see what the next moves will be.

    Also, I am going on a date with a Toastie I met on Okcupid this week! I’ve had such great advice from this site, and now the Toast might be responsible for a happy queer relationship! (fingers crossed)

    1. Passing_Strange +6

      Ooh yay, good luck on your date! What a great sign that you could be compatible!

  83. AmyEntropy +9

    I’m heartbroken over losing The Toast 🙁
    I’m also following closely the Fort McMurray fire. I lived there for years, working at the oilsands sites, and still have friends and co-workers there. Two lost their homes. Our office in Fort McMurray is probably okay, but we almost certainly lost some equipment stored in a laydown yard near the airport. The ones originally from Alberta and British Columbia are staying with their families, my friend from outside Canada is in a hotel and back to work in our company’s main office.

  84. Thunderkant +29

    May 13 should officially be called UGHHHHHHHHHHH from now on with The Toast and Agent Carter coming to an end.

    P.S. Thank you Caitlin from Boston visiting her parents in Texas, I received your postcard and it made my day.

    1. PaigePoo +3

      EW I just remembered it’s Friday the 13th. GREAT UGH. It is only going to get worse.

  85. firstmute +10

    I was really looking forward to Open Thread today because I’m FINALLY back at my computer and in love with our new house/ city/ life, but instead it’s just :'( :'( :'( :'(

    Also we might have to fire our nanny, which sucks.

    3. Merripat +12

      Once again, you have voiced my thoughts.

      I’m going to miss your witty, snarky, funny comments so much, winterbymorning.

  87. RudyRed +56

    My friend had a baby, and this morning the baby died. 🙁

    I’m really at a loss for how to support her. She’s half a country away.

    1. Absotively +20

      Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.

      I think sending her something saying that you’re thinking of her would be a good start.

    2. whollyword +16

      I’m so sorry. It’s really hard to be far away when someone you love is suffering.

      When Awesome Brother’s oldest was born quite early and things were scary, he and I texted a lot. I asked him if he needed distraction, encouragement, commiseration, listening, and we sort of went from there.

    3. AmyEntropy +22

      That’s awful, I’m so sorry. Just be there would be a start, I’d think? Not physically, just reach out and stay in touch. It’s amazing how friends just disappear when you suffer a loss like this.

      1. kay_hay +19

        Please don’t disappear. If you feel unsure of what to say, you can say that your silence is you trying to take a cue from her as to whether, when, or how much she wants to talk.

        1. AmyEntropy +20

          I read this either here or at Captain Awkward: someone who’d lost her mother said she had a friend who would call and say “if you don’t have anything to say, I’ll just stay on the line and breathe with you” and it helped.

    4. foxinthe_snow +10

      I’m so so sorry. I think everyone has given great advice – just being present and available to her as a friend is the best thing, whether it’s by phone, text, letter, or email. Acknowledging her loss and how shit and unfair it is might also help.

    5. spectra37 +8

      One thing I’ve heard (and done) on how to support people going through awful life events is send an email with news, links, etc, and stated clearly that I did not need a reply at all if there wasn’t the energy/will/desire for one. Since I think I’d like this in their place, it seemed like a good idea.

    6. amanita +15

      Can you send food? When I was in a similar situation, the ability to not have to think about feeding ourselves was the greatest gift our friends gave us for the first few of weeks. Preferably food that offers little or no logistical input from your friend.

      I would recommend taking your cue from her – I could barely talk to anyone besides my husband for at least a month. When I started to be able to, the people who were the greatest comfort were the ones who could let me talk about my baby without expecting much from me in return. There were people who DID expect things from me – for me to share more with them, for me to comfort them – and those relationships are irreparably damaged. The people who were able to just accept where I was at the time and were able to hold their own grief without expecting me to process it for them – they are dear to me than members of my biological family at this point in time.

      So, so sorry for your friend’s loss.

      1. kay_hay +7

        A thread earlier in the week supporting a Toast supporting a grieving friend/relative at a distance suggested even grocery store/restaurant gift cards.

          1. amanita +5

            I don’t know if you know members of her local support system, but one of the things my friend who was away at grad school did for me was set up a meal delivery schedule amongst my friends and neighbors for the first two weeks we were home without our baby. I don’t think I can stress how much it saved us to not have to manage logistics: there’s the physical recovery from birth that was happening in addition to the mourning. But gift cards and the like are great! Does her town or city have Instacart or Peapod or a similar service? I would do something like that.

          2. lemonadefish +4

            I’ve sent smitten kitchen granola bars to grieving people before. They work really well because you can just put them in your mouth, and that is literally all you have to do. Sometimes just figuring out how to open the fridge and get the cheese out is too hard.

          3. lemonadefish +1

            Also most cities of any size now have things like Chef Shuttle that will deliver meals from lots of restaurants, or you could always just call a pizza or Chinese restaurant or something in her town and pay by credit card.

    7. beachlass +32

      There is great advice about right now support, but also… Be a person inherited life that remembers this in years to come.

      If she only has this baby, remember she is a mother on Mother’s Day.

      If she has other children, add a +1 to her visible, living child count.

      Be someone she can mourn and remember and celebrate with in years to come.

      Remember this baby’s name.

    8. firstmute +7

      Oh my heart just went *ouch* when I read that. I think just reaching out to her in whatever way you can to let her know that you’re thinking about her. Phone call, email, text message–maybe saying that she doesn’t have to respond, but you just want to let her know how much you’re hurting for her and that you’re going to keep checking in on her?

  88. Givemebackmehat +28

    My dog senses that something is wrong and is doing that nebulous-anxiety-under-the-breath-whine thing that dogs do while slowly wagging his tail and staring at me through his fuzzy little eyebrows. Which is a perfect visual/ auditory description of this emotional state.

    Let’s all go drown our sorrows in snack foods and YA fantasy. I’ve got chocolate covered pretzels and Temeraire.

    1. katmarie13 +4

      This is an excellent plan. I’ve got TJ maple leaf cookies and The Star Touched Queen.

  89. alliana07 +49

    There was no link round-up, so I shall post the Today in (Feminist) History here today. Don’t forget, there is a WordPress archive, which I will keep posting too, and I’m thinking that with the end of the Toast, I may take the suggestion of doing a tinyletter for this, too.

    Today in (Feminist) History!! [Archive]

    On this day in 1995, Alison Hargreaves was the first woman to climb Mount Everest without the use of Sherpas, or supplementary oxygen (the second person ever to do so). She had also previously done solo-climbs of all the great north faces of the Alps in just a single season, which was a first for any climber. Later that year, Alison attempted to climb the K2 Mountain, as part of her goal of climbing the three highest mountains in the world (Everest, K2, and Kangchenjunga). Unfortunately, though she made it to the summit of K2, she and the group of climbers making the attempt with her, died during a storm on the way down.

    Though many were saddened by her death, a very gendered controversy simmered up in the wake up it, as the media began to criticize Alison for climbing the mountain, and leaving her children (aged four and six) at home and now without a mother. When her husband was asked why he “let” her “leave” her children, he replied: “How could I have stopped her? I loved Alison because she wanted to climb the highest peak her skills would allow her to. That’s who she was.”

    Both of Alison’s children, now adults, have taken up climbing, and in the winter of 2014-2015 her son Tom– who she was pregnant with when she climbed the Eiger north face in 1988– became the first person to do a solo-climb of all six great north faces of the Alps in a single winter; just like his mother had done in a single season.

    Also on this day…

    • In 1847, the birth of Linda Gilbert, a prison reformer best known for placing libraries into prisons.
    • In 1888, the birth of Inge Lehmann, a Danish geophysicist and seismologist who was responsible for discovering that Earth had a solid inner core inside it’s molten outer core. Prior to this, scientists believed the Earth only had a single molten core.

    1. SingArielSing +7

      Hey, thanks so much for doing these. I really love them, and I’ll definitely keep my eye on the archive once The Toast is no more. I’d sign up for a tinyletter!

    2. swordsnspindles +4

      Thank you very much for doing this, and for maybe continuing to do it! I’ve been learning an aweful lot, and really appreciate it.

    3. RoseCamelia +9

      On this day in 2016 a unique, beloved website announced it’s imminent closure. Feminists, queer folk, librarians, and generally creative, intelligent Toastpersons were plunged into deep eddies of mourning mixed with profound gratitude to the creators and staff of The-Toast.Net. It’s like will never be seen again. Yes, it was that good.

  90. paddlepickle +18

    Agh. Sadness. Whyyyy.

    If anyone is still feeling open-thready, I had an advice thing I wanted to ask about.

    Specifically: How do you know when you’re ready to stop doing therapy?

    Details: I have an amazing therapist who seriously has changed my life. I started seeing her when I lived in New York and we continued to do Skype sessions when I moved (I was very very scared when moving that this wouldn’t be an optio, but it was). But, I’m starting to wonder if maybe I’m done. She went on maternity leave for a few months, and I was fine during that time. My anxiety has lessened like a million percent in the past year, and things are going great with work and relationships. Sometimes I feel very excited to talk to her, like when I’m having a conflict with boyfriend, but the last few sessions I kind of end up feeling like ‘meh, that wasn’t totally useless, but I could have spent the time on something else.’ And it’s definitely harder over Skype to have the same kind of meaningful sessions. So, I feel like maybe it’s time to stop, but I guess I’m worried that I’m subconsciously trying to avoid still working on myself, or will end up feeling lost if I don’t have her as a resource. If you’d asked me a year and a half ago I would have said I wanted to keep doing therapy FOREVER, so this feeling is new to me.

    When did you stop doing therapy, and how did you know it was the right time?

    1. kitsoup +8

      When I stopped going to therapy two years ago because I felt like I didn’t need it anymore because I was actually truly happy with where I was and who I was as a person I first asked for only two appointments per month instead of four, and then only one and then tentatively had no appointment set up after my final one but always had my therapist’s email adress and phone number ready in case something happened/ I felt like I needed more therapy. It worked pretty well for me at the time. Slowly decreasing the number of appointments per month and increasing the time between them helped get me accustomed to not talking to my therapist every week and knowing that if things got bad I could just set up a new appointment made me feel safer than just calling it quits abruptly.

      So that’s what I would recommend, trying out a new schedule of appointments (i.e. longer periods of time between appointments). If you notice that if affects you negatively it’s probably not the right time to stop just yet.

      I’m actually going back into therapy after a two-year-long period of not going, which is kind of frightening and weirdly embarrassing to me, like I’m admitting defeat. At least I know that recovery is possible, even if it was only temporary the first time around.

      1. paddlepickle +3

        Thanks for sharing! I actually have switched to every other week, and definitely feel fine about that.

        And, I definitely don’t think going back is admitting defeat! Part of why I’m hesitant to stop is I don’t like the idea of therapy being like, a strategy that fixes you when you’re broken, forever. I think it’s pretty much helpful for anyone at any time, and I would hate to stop and then have to feel like something’s wrong with me if I went back, because nothing was ‘wrong’ with me in the first place, really. And as an anxious person, feeling like my anxiety is now supposed to be ‘fixed’ will give me meta-anxiety that would lead to more anxiety and probably needing more therapy.

        1. anecdata +3

          I totally agree that therapy is great for all/most people any/most times. But I do think there’s something to be said for doing a piece of work and having that be enough, or enough for now.

        2. anecdata +4

          And now I sound way too invested in you stopping therapy. Sorry, Internet Stranger! I’m just remembering all those feelings of “wouldn’t she tell me if I were done?” and “what if I hurt her feelings, is it like breaking up with someone?” But you should do the right thing for you. Good luck 🙂

          1. paddlepickle +2

            Haha no worries! I didn’t read it as pushing me to quit, and I am definitely also worried about the ‘will she be hurt’ thing. Although, she has a new baby and is making time to Skype me at like 10:30pm her time, so I imagine in reality she would be thrilled. I think more than feeling like it’s something that should be ongoing, I’m sort of worried that I’ll like. . .jinx it by saying I’m done, yknow?

    2. anecdata +7

      I had a wonderful therapist who really helped me get through the misery of ending an engagement and finishing graduate school. I kept seeing her for a month or so after graduating, but it felt like the work we were doing had sort of come to- not a close, exactly, but a pause. And then I got a job halfway round the world! I still check in with her from time to time over email, but at the time (a year ago almost exactly) I had very definitely “yup, done.” feelings.

      I also think you should talk to your therapist about it! That’s what I did. I tried to quit about 2 months before my dissertation was due; she was like, maybe let’s revisit this when things are more stable? And then she brought it up after graduation. I think a good therapist will support you in terminating therapy, if you’re ready.

    3. actualmeg +4

      I think you nailed it–the feeling of “this wasn’t BAD, but maybe my time could be better spent elsewhere.” There were a few times in a row where I came in and…didn’t really feel like I had that much to talk about. (As opposed to when I’d started, where I had Big Pressing Concerns that I needed to hash out.)

      On a related note, this piece about therapist break-ups might be of interest.

      1. paddlepickle +2

        Thanks! That is definitely what I’m feeling. Though, I also have a sort of sense of actively wanting to avoid my sessions now, which in a sense is making me worry I SHOULDN’T stop? Like, I’m worried that because I’m generally happy and things are good, I’m wanting to avoid talking about those things that are still difficult and that will be bad for me in the long run (can you tell I have anxiety??)

        1. actualmeg +2

          Hmm. I think both options (“I don’t want to go because I feel like I’m not getting as much out of it anymore” vs. “I don’t want to go because there’s still deep-seated stuff I don’t want to discuss”) are definitely possible, and both are very valid responses to therapy.

          Next time you get the urge to avoid a session, maybe check in with yourself and try to articulate what you’re feeling, as best you can? What prompts the feeling? Do you see it as an annoyance or something you’re actively dreading? In an ideal world, what would you rather be doing instead? It might also help to discuss this whole thing with your therapist–they might be able to give you some insight on how they perceive you’ve been responding to the sessions and whether they’ve felt things stalling out as well.

          For me, I felt like I had gotten to a place where my anxiety wasn’t solved, per se, but I had done a lot of work to understand what triggered it and why, gained a lot of insight into my own thought processes, and learned some useful coping strategies. Even thought I wasn’t at a place of being “cured” of the problem (and let’s face it, that’ll probably never happen 100%), I had gotten to a manageable place and felt like I had the tools I needed to handle it on my own.

          AND…if you stop and it doesn’t work, you can always go back. (This might even be something to ask about–“If we stop sessions and then I start getting really anxious again, what’s your availability like? How hard would it be to resume sessions at roughly the same schedule?”)

          Agh, sorry for being long-winded. Good luck. You’ll be fine. <3

  91. Goomaly +32

    okay well so if there are other Toastie asexuals drop me a line, let’s be friends dangerflakes at hotmail

    honestly any of you can drop me a line for any reason whatsoever, I do tarot readings, and sing “you are my sunshine” for you if you are sad

    so probably I should just post that on youtube for all of us this weekend, come to think of it

    1. Currer_Belle +2

      Ahhhh teach me your tarot ways, I just got a deck and have no clue what to do with it.

      1. Goomaly +2

        Cool what deck did you get?

        It can be tough to get all the cards memorized, but there are patterns to it. Also, if all else fails, look at the card and pay attention to what the image is trying to communicate. Your intuition is the point.

        “Daily draws” are good, draw a card every day, google the meaning, reflect on it a bit, what message might it have for you today, that sort of thing.

        Eventually you can move into spreads, where each card has an added meaning based on what position in falls in. So if you are doing a “past-present-future” spread, and you get Three of Cups, the Hermit, and Nine of Pentacles, it might mean friendship in your past, solitude now, leading to material success in your future.

        I just made up those three cards for the example, subconsciously choosing relevant cards for all of us 🙁

        1. Currer_Belle +2

          I have the Shadowscapes deck and I’m pretty sure the Queen of Swords is my spirit animal.

          I had my first reading done by a lovely woman with this deck, and I convinced myself that since I’m a water sign, the watercolor was a good match for me. (Even though I know I’m fooling myself – I just think it’s really really pretty.)

  92. bird_internet +13

    PSA that tomorrow is the Letter Carriers’ food drive. If you set a bag of non-perishables next to your mailbox, your mail carrier will pick it up and deliver it to a local food bank!

  93. MopRocks +119

    I never did update, but the-boyfriend did say “Yes!” There’s gonna be a Mr. Moprocks!

  94. EmW +10

    Toasties, I am moving to Atlanta in the fall to start a Masters program at Emory! Any advice on Atlanta would be welcome. I’m super excited, but I think it will be a culture shock because I’ve been living in Phoenix most of my life and I am not used to being around large groups of 22 year olds anymore.

    1. tomorroe +3

      I grew up in Atlanta! And went to high school 5 minutes away from Emory.

      More importantly, I still live here and can give you a bunch of advice on Atlanta depending on your interests? The best part about Atlanta is that it has almost everything as long you know where to look!

      1. EmW

        Ah, wonderful! I can think of two main things I’m looking for advice on – one is for good Asian restaurants (especially Indian – I don’t know what my Indian boyfriend is going to do without his mother’s cooking). The other thing, which I probably should have posted on a different thread, is a super liberal church where they are friendly to queers, concerned about social justice, and not going to despair that I’m going to hell when they realize I don’t buy into about 90% of Christianity. I could Google all of this, but insider tips are much appreciated.

    2. Bothari +3

      Ooh, I’m possibly/probably moving to Atlanta in July! I am also interested in Atlanta advice.

      Good luck at Emory, EmW!

    3. kay_hay +2

      I moved to ATL after a childhood/20s in California and college in Seattle. There is an element of culture shock at first, but the neighborhoods around Emory and the Northeast sector of the city generally (I’m in Doraville) have a lot of other academic/professional transplants and a large multicultural immigrant community that made my adjustment easier than I initially expected. Join the southeast channel on toastieslack and/or Atlanta Toasties on FB or stay in touch here if you have any questions about the area or want a welcoming committee.

      1. EmW

        Thank you! I joined the Facebook group and am glad to hear that you were able to adjust. I’m still in the very early stages of planning, and may follow up later.

  95. merrite +28

    Oh Toast, we hardly knew ye.

    Also I am getting a promotion at work!! My coworker is leaving so I am stepping into her position, and it is a little daunting but I am comforted by the knowledge that my boss would never have asked me to take the job if she didn’t think I could do it. And training has been going pretty smoothly so far, so [shrug emoji] it should be fine.

  96. megalesias +44

    I’m in denial, I think. I genuinely don’t know what I’m going to do at work after July 1st. (actual work, you say? shhhhhhhh)

    BUT until then, a list of things I was going to maybe tell the Toast:

    – I cut all my hair off a few weeks ago, the most queerlady haircut I’ve ever had, and if I was still in college it would be the prototypical Smith chop, but I was privately thinking of it as more of a Toast-chop.

    – I’m still trying to read Memoirs of Hadrian and last night tweeted out a really great passage where Hadrian’s describing his friends at an event: “… in that luminous shade which is best for divine apparitions, the dreamy visage of the young Greek in whom I had embodied my Fortune” == Antinous, his lover; and “My wife, present there also” == his wife. Oh, buddy.

    – yesterday after like 1.5 years of stalling and ignoring it, I went to my health insurance’s website to look for doctors, both primary care and therapy, and I indirectly blame y’all.

    I don’t even comment That Much! But somehow I still want to be a more functional human adult, because this community makes me feel like I can, and that it’s worth it. So uh, thanks.

    Also my twitter is @thephantommilk and my tumblr is also megalesias, if anyone’s interested.

    1. sabinabemani +5

      Dude. It’s huge to take the first step toward taking care of your health after stalling! (Been there- it took me forever.) I’m really happy that this community makes you feel empowered and gives you some motivation. It’s gotten me through SO much even though I lurked and did not comment for years.

    2. betterpast +3

      the Smith chop! i bet your hair looks amazing. also i have been thinking of cutting mine off for a while now and you remind me that i should do it before Reunion if i am going to go.

    3. schuylersister +5

      I just had an establishing appointment with a primary care physician for the first time as an adult yesterday (I got pushed to do it because of weird health situations, but I’m still glad I did it).

      Accomplishment solidarity!

  97. parlato1973 +11

    chiming in on the condolences over the toast coming to an end. i was packing an driving yesterday and didn’t see the post till this morning, which explains the sudden flurry of toast-related twitter adds.

    i’ve been online a long-ass time, and every awesome community eventually changes, closes, ends, and things have to spring up anew elsewhere. the thing is though, if you work at community, you can keep it going in other ways. i still have my best friends from LJ on my feeds and visiting whenever we’re in the same city.

    even though we just got an LA group started and have yet to meet up, we got 23 members within a week, and i’m sure some kitten cafe / library field trips / drink having is right around the corner. i’ll join these other groups too, i’m sure some iteration of community can survive.

    for now, though, i gotta go enjoy my last hour of swimming before we check out of palm springs and drive to sedona. have a lovely weekend, toasties.

    1. beachlass +2

      I’ve been think about livejournal communities and friends today too. Everything changes.

  98. lauralizabethm +27

    My good news: I made a date with the nice girl I’ve been talking to on OKCupid.

    My good-but-sad-I-guess-I-don’t-know news: I’ve decided to finally give up on the guy I’ve been casually seeing. I know that this is a good choice because no power on earth will compel him to respect me/my feelings/his promises to me, but at the same time, I feel kind of sad about it. I guess I still feel like if I’d done something differently, said or not said something, acted somehow more attractive or cool, he wouldn’t have treated me badly. I know that this is not the case! Multiple people in this guy’s circle of friends have told me that he treats everyone like this! But still, I am morose.

    1. sabinabemani +7

      Ugh I can relate to that specific moroseness/morosity/morositude. So hard. Awesome about the date with OkCupid girl though.

    2. yamsalot +2

      I feel you so hard on the “if only I had been better!” thing. In my experience: you KNOW it’s not true, but it still stings, because you gave this person part of your best self (a bit of your time, love, affection, sex, whatever) and they don’t even know to appreciate it or Act Right for like 5 seconds. Luckily you were able to call it off before casual turned into more serious, and I wish you luck on the date with the nice girl!!

  99. GingerHawk +24

    Toasties I am so sad about Agent Carter. I just got my hands on Peggy Carter’s lipstick and now I found out the show is going away. 🙁 And I can’t even parse the news about the Toast, even though I completely understand the decision.

    1. walrathem +4

      I love that lipstick! I can’t wait until they come out with a color that I can wear to work.

      1. GinnyQ9 +1

        Noooo! I wear that color at work all the time. It makes me feel sassy and awesome and sexy and confident. I put it on when I’m having a bad day. Wear it whenever the hell you want and screw everyone else!

      1. onehundredthjen +5

        Besame is the brand! Peggy wears Red Velvet in one episode, but all their reds are pretty great!

      2. Cricket +3

        They have Besame, the brand it is, at Sephora the last time I went! Not all of the colors that are on the website, but a few of the most popular ones.

      3. GingerHawk +4

        As others have said, it’s Besame, 1946 Red Velvet. Here’s the product website: http://besamecosmetics.com/products/red-velvet-li…
        You can order it online, or some Sephoras have it, since shipping bumps it up from $22 to $27. At my Sephora Red Velvet was the only shade they had, and the ladies there weren’t even sure they carried it until someone spotted it on a shelf, so you may have to do some looking. But it is so, so worth it. It’s the first red lipstick I’ve ever owned and I feel fantastic with it on.

          1. GingerHawk +2

            It is amazing and I have no doubt it will look fantastic on you! Good luck!

    3. Cricket +6

      I am SO SAD about Agent Carter. I’m not wholly surprised, but I really wanted to see more 🙁 Netflix or Hulu should pick it up tbh. In a perfect world…

    4. actualmeg +3

      Do you know if there’s anywhere one could watch it online, should one desire to? I’ve been meaning to check it out for awhile, but Hulu only seems to have part of the second season, and I don’t think it’s on Netflix.

  100. quellthesparkle +86

    Just remember, the real Toast was the friends we made along the way.

  101. ferocityprose +8

    This really has been the week from hell. Moving with a bad back. Traveling for work/going to a conference with a bad back. (Back pain is the wooooorst ladies.) Former (sort of/still paying rent/have to deal with clean up and move out) housemate deciding because of one snarky text message that she hates my guts and needs to tell me all about it. Still a huge amount of packing/cleaning/unpacking to do, all with a bad back. And now The Toast.

    Edit: and I can’t even get a gif of Buffy crying to load, sigh

  102. PierrePoutine +2

    Is it too soon to distract ourselves with a discussion of The Americans? Wig spoilers in the reply…

    1. PierrePoutine +6

      Did anyone else notice that Martha’s last meal before her departure was TOAST? I can only interpret this as some very sad foreshadowing of our current plight.

      Elizabeth’s betrayal of Young-Hee and Don (in such a good wig) broke my heart even though we all saw it coming. Young-Hee had this perfect balance of joyfulness/appreciation of life’s small pleasures along with a sense of practicality and common sense. I have never worn makeup but I’m 80% sure she could have charmed me into buying Mary Kay…

  103. aintnothingtoit +14

    Toasts, I had such glorious news about finding a sun drenched summer sublet with groovy ladies and planning out my fall road trip, but I can’t summon the joy anymore. Thank you for being so smart and loving and hilarious; this community rocks and I feel like I had just begun to mine your wisdom and bond with you. I hope to meet NYC Toasties at this party thang.

    To quote Winnie-the-Pooh, can’t we all go back to page one and do it all again?

  104. 30Litresof +33

    Toasties! I am late to the open thread party as ever, but thought I’d join in on this momentous day.

    I was actually planning to post here anyway because I started laying the groundwork today to ask out a wonderful lady poet who I’ve had a crush on for a while, and my first thought was to tell you guys (totes not tearing up now). Anyway, I saw her read at an event last night and facebooked her today to tell her I enjoyed it. She said that was sweet! And she is defo gay and I also know when she’s next doing a reading so… We’ll see if that goes anywhere. I’m all butterflies about it!

  105. sausagedog +14

    (Hey guys, not to be too maudlin today since we’ve already done a bit of that, but today is so hard. I told my boss this morning that I was leaving to go back to school full time in the fall, and he took it super well, but I still feel unbearably awkward and like I’ve let everyone down (I’ve never quit a job before so) and was really hoping to have the Toast to distract myself today. And then I have to move in two weeks which is my absolute least favorite thing to do, I become irritable and terrible and get a ton of headaches and such. And I’ve got cramps. So… idk, just wanted to complain a bit I guess, but now we all have something to complain about. But I’d still appreciate internet hugs and assurances that I will survive May. )

    1. spectra37 +3

      I am totally with you about moving. Ugh! (And cramps are The Worst.) I hope you feel better, and I know the work thing will get much less awkward over the next couple of weeks. Hang in there!

  106. phoebejaneway +32

    Oh man, this is so sad. My beloved theatre company that i founded in 2012 is taking a “hiatus” after our current show for very similar reasons to Mallory and Nicole’s for stopping doing The Toast– we’re all burned out from working way too hard for not enough money doing everything ourselves, one of us is leaving for Life Reasons, and we just… don’t have the energy to take on her work ourselves, and can’t imagine persuading the five or six other people it would take to make things run in a humane way for any of us to sign up for this kind of insanity. Our world is just not set up with infrastructure that supports these kinds of endeavors, and it breaks my heart. You take a leap and create something that is amazing and people love it, but if it requires a lot more work to maintain than the revenue it generates, sooner or later you can’t keep sustaining it on caffeine and passion alone– everyone has to eat, for one thing, so you’ve got your other jobs, but the real problem is that eventually you need your caffeine and passion for something else, like your family, or grad school, or your novel, and as soon as you take that away the thing dies, because that’s all it has to eat since you can’t afford to feed it actual money and labor. Ugh, it’s so sad.

    1. Sisyphus_Cog +2

      This. So much this. This and feeling guilt for mostly lurking and not supporting The Toast. Le sigh.

      1. phoebejaneway +8

        I have a persistent mental image of the “Creative Community” as a tribe of Early Humans all huddled together on a windswept tundra, selflessly opening our own veins and feeding each other with our life’s blood as we all slowly turn into frozen husks. We gotta make some spears and figure out how to use our wonderful sisterly bond to take down one of them Megatheria, you guys!

  107. Tanabeth +17

    Hey toasties. I’m feeling so blue about the news today. While everyone is still here, though, I wanted to ask y’alls advice, about a relationship thing that I think is very relevant to toastie interests.

    My boyfriend and I got in a big fight last week because, through casual conversation, it came out that my boyfriend (I quote) “wouldn’t necessarily identify as a feminist.” We’ve been dating for about two years, and this has never come up, mostly because it was so clearly evident to me that my boyfriend IS a feminist – it’s evident in the way he treats me, other women, his politics, etc. He’s one of the kindest and most considerate people that I’ve ever met, and in all the personal ways that matter to me most, he is a feminist. For example, we live together, and not only does he do his equal share of cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. (which should be expected of all genders!) he does it without putting any of the emotional/mental work for that on me. By which I mean, I love my dad and he is an excellent dad, but when I was a kid, he did his share of work, but he always had to be told what to do and when by my mom. My boyfriend does not. He takes the initiative in doing all of these things, including meal planning, etc. and cleaning.

    So my boyfriend has shown me in so many ways that he is a feminist … yet he refuses to use that word. He can be a real contrarian in many ways, and he also says he doesn’t like the term because of exposure at a young age to really extremist feminist views – of the “all sex is rape” type (regardless of whether or not those kind of views ever really were published – that’s how he interpreted it.)

    To me, though, his claim that he doesn’t identify as a feminist because of extremist views is not a neutral one – there’s so much distortion and lying about the views of feminists out there that I feel like he’s being taken in by misogynist thinking. And it also really hurts me, personally, that he could know so many women who identify as feminists – including me, many of his friends, his co-workers who he really admires, family members, etc. – and still reject that identity because of a few outliers.

    We got in a really nasty fight over it, and although we made it up pretty quickly, it’s still nagging at me and bothering me. Does the word really matter? I guess not – actions are what matter – and yet, I do believe that the word matters in some way. How would you guys feel?

    1. LeastBittern +16

      I had this fight with my now-husband, and it was the significant factor in my two year “this relationship is going nowhere but it’s nice and I’m having fun” funk. I could not envision a future with someone who had such poor logical principles. (I was 20, I was weird)

      Anyway, he changed his mind about six months into the funk but I was still very hurt and not sure that he wasn’t just placating me. When someone identifies with a group that thinks I’m not a full person and my rights aren’t worth fighting for, it hurts a lot and it takes a while to regain trust.

    2. paddlepickle +23

      I think there are a lot of reasons people don’t use the term, and his is a fairly bad one, but if his actions are generally consistent with feminism I would write it off as a thing he is weird and wrong about but not a huge stain on his character. I also understand that some men are wary of labeling themselves as feminists because there’s a history of men doing so to gain points with women, and some feminists actively prefer men not to adopt the identity.

      That said, the conversation might make me want to interrogate his politics more. Like, does he go beyond supporting abortion access and equal pay, etc, to understanding the myriad ways that the patriarchy affects women’s lives day to day? Does he recognize when other men are perpetuating sexism or committing micro aggressions and ask them to stop? Does he understand rape culture even when it affects him in uncomfortable ways, like believing a woman who says she was raped and no one else believes her? And, does he really truly understand that those ideas of what feminism are from his youth are not correct and don’t describe the feminists he knows now?

      I ask these things because it’s possible for a man to be generally feminist in the ways you’ve described– which are the most important ones!– but still have work to do in their understanding of patriarchy overall.

    3. saraallain +14

      I’ve gone through the same process with my boyfriend. He, like your boyfriend, is a feminist in his actions but objected to the term, even when I began to use it to describe myself. As you say, his view of feminism is one that was steeped in hyperbole and hate, so that the term itself becomes something to reject. It’s taken probably three years to get to the point where he calls himself a feminist. It’s been sort of a passive progression, where the more I’ve talked about feminism and intersectionality over the dinner table the more he’s become engaged and educated about both the term and its implications. I don’t think he thinks it’s scary anymore, and more importantly, he gets that feminism is about equality for everyone, not hating on men.

      Now, it’s worth saying that it’s not your job to educate anyone. You can definitely just write “bell hooks” on a post-it note and stick it to his forehead. The burden of learning is on him, not you.

    4. PierrePoutine +11

      I wonder if he might have a better understanding of that particular branch of feminism with some historical contextualization. The notion that ‘all sex is rape’ is dead in 2016 in 99.9% feminist circles. Most women who subscribed to that theory actually had really horrible experiences with patriarchal violence. Their extremism wasn’t politically useful but it’s not hard to see where it came from.

      There’s also the matter of not letting ‘extremists’ or unpleasant experiences deflate one’s commitment to ethical values. So what if you read something shitty written by a radical feminist; does that suddenly make patriarchy more appealing? I have a feeling that if he really thinks about it he will come around. Best of luck.

    5. Apfelmoose +13

      The word itself would not be so important to me – but then I am suspicious when men describe themselves as ‘feminist’ rather than ‘feminist ally’.

      I would distinguish between someone who does their fair share of labour in a relationship (whether emotional or household or so on), which is how you describe your boyfriend, and then someone who implicitly accepts that the patriarchy is real and dangerous and bullshit and who thinks about this stuff on his own time, so that he can bring something to the table in terms of supporting me as a woman in a patriarchal society, and in how we navigate the godawful seas of patriarchy together.

      For me, men not doing their fair share of relationship labour is a feminist issue, but doing one’s fair share does not a feminist (or a feminist ally) make.

      And I could not be in a serious relationship with someone who was not able to offer both things. I just do not have the patience at this point in my life. But, if they did, then it would not matter to me whether they called themselves feminist or not.

    6. robotneedslove +4

      Ugh this is so tough – but I have a very close and wonderful friend who is an oncologist and a woman and whose boyfriend takes care of most of the domestic labour things – and she doesn’t use the word “feminist” either, for kind of similar reasons, and, if I’m being candid, I think because her science eduction left her a bit illiterate in the social sciences/humanities.

  109. saraallain +3

    Fair warning: coffee snob.

    I need to buy better coffee. The grocery store swill I’ve got on hand is just awful. My Vancouver Toasts: where do you buy your beans? I’ve only lived here for 4 months and I’ve bought beans at Prado, which were very very nice. Please recommend! Because this garbage coffee is not enough, not enough for today.

    P.S. find me on twitter @archivalistic

    2. This is She

      May or may not meet your coffee snob standard, but I like JJ Bean. Especially the Railtown roast. Never had better anywhere.

      Some coffee snobs like Elysian…? I don’t, but you may? They seem to tend to fruity notes, which I do not appreciate in coffee, but that may be your bag.

  110. Social +20

    Toast, I am really, really struggling today. This week I got bronchitis (and went to work anyway), was yelled at by my boss, received a raise that was much less than what I was hoping for, and because of this realized I may not be able to pay taxes on my new car by the required date. Finding out The Toast was going away was the kicker of a long, brutal week.

    If it weren’t for meeting so many new, beautiful ToastieTwitter followers I might have left the office today because I just cannot. Deal. With. Today.

    2. RoseCamelia +2

      Making and sending a virtual, internet hot toddy just for you, infused with warm affection.

    3. Hadrosaur +1

      I’m sorry, that sounds awful. That was a shit thing for your boss to do, especially when you went to work with bronchitis!!!

  111. meat lord +9

    Man. I had just started reading The Toast as part of my killing-time-at-work ritual, and just started commenting and all. Dang.

  112. the_slapdash +11

    I am very sad and just about managed not to cry but only just.

    I know there are a lot of crafty Toast folk, but are there many/any dressmakers and sewing people? Anyone doing Me Made May?

    1. kay_hay +3

      Your red Anna dress is beyond gorgeous! Now that I have weekends free, I will be getting back into sewing. I have a substantial stash of Good Intentions from Stonemountain & Daughter, Britex, and Japanese dressmaking books that deserve to come to fruition.

      1. the_slapdash +2

        Thank you! I’m particularly proud of that one. Stonemountain & Daughter has some beautiful stuff – damn being on the wrong continent!

        1. kay_hay +2

          It’s probably better for my stash and my bank balance that I am now on the other side of the continent. We can chat again next OT and that will inspire me to get cracking.

        1. themegnapkin +3

          Your red Anna dress is indeed beyond gorgeous! I made one in purple voile last summer, but have not had occasion to wear it yet.

          1. the_slapdash +1

            Thank you! I’m in the middle of an experimental jersey one at the moment. It’s either going to be my favourite dress ever or a complete disaster.

          2. kay_hay +3

            No time like the present. I have half a mind to spend the rest of the afternoon with OT and gin and wearing my lilac charmeuse slip dress.

  113. bread_and_roses +11

    I am so glad I found this community. I started really posting here after my longtime online community shut down, and now the Toast is going away too, and it’s just all very sad.

  114. rangiferina +18

    Oh Toast, I’m so sad. This site and community have been such a lovely and warm refuge from the rest of the world for the past three years 🙁

    But stiff upper lip and all (ha! as if): WHAT ARE YOU READING?

    I just finished The Turner House by Angela Flournoy, which was pretty excellent. Now I’m about a third of the way through The Dream Thieves by Maggie Stiefvater, and I basically have to pause every 10 pages to roll around in happiness. It ticks alllllll the right boxes for me. Pretty sure I’ll be done by the weekend, then off to the library to pick up book 3!

    2. ladyimogen +2

      I went on an Eloisa James romance kick and now I feel like I wasted all that comforting brain candy because I need it today instead.

    3. annecara +4

      I juuuust finished The Raven Boys and immediately put the other three books on hold at the library. Also working my way through the Chernow Alexander Hamilton biography, which I probably will not finish before it’s due back on Thursday.

      1. rangiferina +4

        they’re so addicting, oh man. I finished The Raven Boys on a long weekend trip last week (far away from my library) and the wait to read the next one was p a i n f u l.

    4. radiantsqui3d +9

      Feet of Clay – I’m re-reading all the Discworld Novels chronologically. I took a bit of a break because my reader broke, but my +1 found a still working one in the trash at a place where he DJs so I get to use it until someone asks after it. 🙂

      1. rangiferina +2

        Feet of Clay was so good! I’m slowly working my way through Discworld…

    5. jwhittz +5

      I picked up Elizabeth Wein’s Code Name Verity yesterday, as it’s been languishing on my TBR for quite a while. Not hooked yet but I’m less than 50 pages in, so will persevere.

    6. chiaroscuromom +1

      I’m reading Confederates in the Attic but the views expressed by so many of the interviewees are so divorced from reality and/or downright offensive that I keep wanting to quit. Except that I’m too fascinated/horrified to quit. IDK.

      I have Carrie Fischer’s memoir, Shockaholic queued up next, so we’ll see how that goes. I’ve heard good things.

      1. rangiferina +1

        oh yeah, there were some real… “characters” in Confederates in the Attic, to put it nicely. Definitely a little off-putting, but I found the book as a whole so fascinating that I couldn’t stop reading. YMMV!

    7. cait0716 +4

      I’m reading Reading Lolita in Tehran which I’m enjoying a lot more than I expected to. I thought I would be a bit meh on it, but it’s really interesting, and I’m picking up on more of the literary references than I thought I would. I feel so well-read! And it’s been fun to see some vastly different interpretations of those texts and understand how they were arrived at. Also, the only other thing I’ve ever read about the Islamic Revolution is Persepolis, so it’s good to get a slightly different perspective.

    8. hlmorris85 +1

      I’m finally making my way through Swordspoint. It’s taking longer than expected. I’ve heard so much about it over the years and it’s often cited as an influence on of my favorite fantasy series, so I knew it might live up to the hype in my mind. It hasn’t quite grabbed me yet. There are things I’m enjoying…but I hope I end up liking it better.

    9. saraallain +2

      Ahhhhhh I’ve had the fourth book of the Raven Cycle on my ereader for weeks but I keep forgetting to read it!!!!

    10. ballisticjaguar +3

      I’m currently reading Blackout by Connie Willis. I’ve owned it for years…like at least 5? So I think it’s time.

    11. catcet +1

      I’m also reading The Dream Thieves! And I’m absolutely loving it. It took me a little while to get into The Raven Boys, but this one just sucked me right in and I read more than a quarter of it in just one day. And it’s been a while since I read YA or fantasy, but this just works for me!

    12. tombstone +2

      Muriel Barbery’s “The Elegance of the Hedgehog” is the closest thing I have to a bottle with my soul in it, so her new “The Life of Elves” has me very topsy-turvy. It touches on so much that is so close to my heart and to how I see the world, and yet… and yet there are off-notes, like wine you suspect might be too oxidized to drink. I devoured it in a day and now I need to reread. So difficult.

    13. cs_key +1

      I very recently read Six of Crows and enjoyed it a lot because heists! I love heists. Movies, books, fic, whatever. Everything’s better with a dash of charming criminals.

      Now I have to wait until September for the sequel though and it is agony.

  115. steelyglints +8

    So I was planning to post this in July but now that July is canceled I’ll give it a shot now. Is anyone looking to rent a room in the Boston area (Cambridge specifically) in September? I usually post on craiglist but I thought I’d give it a shot here – living with strangers is awkward and it would be nice to have a point connection. Rent is around $800 (we are waiting on the official lease to figure it out exactly) and it’s a 10 minute walk to the train station. Email me at laney950 at msn dot com for details!

    1. GreenGrasses +3

      I have a friend who might be interested! I don’t know what his budget is, but I can check! I’ll send you an email.

  116. leslieellenjones +7

    Since I am in vigorous denial about today’s news, I’m just going to move along like everything is juuuuuust fiiiiiiiinnnnnnne…..

    Here’s a link for the history talk show I participated in last week, talking about druids: https://www.newstalk.com/podcasts/Talking_History… (I will warn you that the podcasts don’t play for me on Chrome on a PC, but are fine with Firefox–I don’t know if there are any other quirks, but my mom can’t get it to play on her Mac with Firefox, but she is prone to not being able to get things to work in general and has an ingrained aversion to updating software [sigh]).

    And as an exciting result of doing this show, which got me back to reading up on what has happened in druid studies since I wrote my book Druid Shaman Priest: Metaphors of Celtic Paganism 20 years ago, I decided to get back the rights to the book (the publisher went out of business and sold all their book rights to someone who hasn’t done anything with mine, and very graciously released them) and do a revised edition, which I will epublish myself. (Okay, that was a long sentence.) So I guess that is what I’m going to be doing in the abundant spare time that will now be at my disposal since I won’t be spending hours reading the Toast every morning.

    1. ladyimogen +2

      Oh man if there is a way you can let us know when that gets published (toastie twitter?) I would be so excited to read it!

  117. sagerenee +7

    Horribly now buried post about Steampunk World’s Fair. Come drink away your sorrow SteamToasts. In Piscataway NJ this weekend. Baroness Anabella Memorial “Tea” party is Saturday 4-9 in the Radisson Courtyard. I’ll be wearing black n white stripes all over or just ask anyone there for Sage or Renee (both work!)

  118. drwitchbaby +9

    Can we talk about Twitter names? Like, how you all chose yours? I’ve been making halfhearted attempts at joining Twitter for the last few weeks, and the biggest stumbling block has been figuring out a decent username. Today’s news is making it feel more urgent!

    I’m trying to integrate my private, sporadically Toast-commenting internet self with my professional/academic internet self (I’m a history professor), but my real name is the equivalent of something like Jennifer Green, in terms of how common both my first and last names are, so all the possible variants have already been claimed.

    So … how did you all come up your names?? Please share your strategies.

    1. hawthorn_tree +8

      I used my real name, because it’s uncommon and I’m not very creative.

      1. annecara +3

        Same, plus it was also my school email address (I was in college at the time).

        1. drwitchbaby +4

          ugh, my name is so common that I’ve never even been the only one at any of my schools!

    2. radiantsqui3d +2

      I like squids a lot and took the first adjective I could think of, so now I’m @radiantsquid pretty much everywhere – I tried to make my twitter fit for conference networking stuff, but I’m just not that active I guess?

    3. Theo_Winterwood +4

      My username for pretty much everything on the internet everywhere since I was seventeen has been Theo Winterwood.

      At the time, it was just the name of a side character in a crappy screenplay I was writing for fun to kill time at school, but I liked the way it sounded enough to borrow it when I emergency needed a LiveJournal really fast and was drawing a blank on anything else. (My previous LJ had been a some form of the phrase “boy in a dress,” which my other general go-to internet username/email address name in high school.)

      Anyway, I realized eventually that I really liked the name and the consistency of being the same everywhere made everything easier. And it’s nice never having to come up with anything new. (Although it makes it maybe waaaaaaay too easy to find things I put on the internet at any point in the last twelve years . . .)

      I haven’t used Twitter in probably seven years after I did only a brief stint there, but there’s a Theo Winterwood account out there somewhere.

    4. actualmeg +8

      I am so bad at coming up with user names and remain FURIOUS that someone claimed my name but has only ever tweeted ONCE.

      1. drwitchbaby +3

        YES so many of the variations on my real name are people who tweeted like twice in 2011.

    5. literarysara +2

      I too have a super common name which can’t be registered as a username without a string of numbers after it. (At least, anywhere but Intense Debate, which imported my full name from WordPress without asking my opinion about that.) So some years ago I settled on the handle LiterarySara because it has some catchy assonance and my field of study is literature.

    6. onehundredthjen +2

      I’m in the same situation as you (my high school freshman class was literally 10% Jens, and there were three other kids with my same first, middle, and last names at my library), and also wanted to integrate my internet self somewhat, so on twitter I went with… @jenreedjenreed. I am very creative.

      1. drwitchbaby +2

        That’s taken, too, for my name! I’m thinking that what I actually need to do is go back in time and convince my parents to give me a much less common name. Why didn’t anyone foresee this problem??

    7. okelay +1

      mine’s rather complicated, since it is a childhood nickname translated into a language i made up with a couple of friends and ok-el-ay is the phonetic transcription of said name. since it’s fairly rare i use it everywhere.

  119. fenixdawn +24

    Oh guys, I was coming here to tell you about how I’ve bad the best week this week but ……

    In the spirit of continuing on tho, with muted enthusiasm, I share that I started a new PT job at a yoga studio! Where I get free yoga! And I got tickets for Hamilton! And Cats! And I hung out with good friends all week!

    I guess that’s to say I’ve had a very Toastie week, so that’s something.

  120. hawthorn_tree +10

    I am feeling very restless and funding at my university is getting cut and I kiiind of just want to move somewhere else. I’ve lived in the same town for three years! Anyone in the same boat?

    1. PaigePoo +5

      Yep!! I currently have indeed.com email alerts for jobs in 15 different cities around the country. Requirements are “Far Away” (from Chicago/our families) and “Inexpensive”. I’m becoming addicted to adding potential cities to the list.

      1. Olgasrevenge +6

        Man I feel so mixed about Chicago these days. Where are you thinking about going from here? All my friends are telling me to come to New York or Philly but New York seems so hard to live in. And I’ve never been to Philly? How is it?

    2. ladyimogen +3

      Yes! For the same reasons! It’s so easy to dream about, but so intimidating to plan for. How are you doing with it all?

      1. hawthorn_tree +2

        Not particularly well! Mostly I look at openings at other universities and think ‘oh, maybe?’ and then ‘but here are all the things that would be worse than/the same as here.’

    3. Theo_Winterwood +5

      I’ve lived in the Northern Virginia area literally since birth and I just turned 29 a month ago, and I’m super wanderlust/cabin-fevery/restless by nature, so there’s definitely a part of me since my birthday that’s been going, “What am I doing? I should go somewhere else! I am getting old! My window of opportunity is closing!”

      But I don’t know.

      For the past couple years, I’ve always tried to tell myself that I’d move when I applied to/got into grad school, but I haven’t managed to commit to actually doing that either? (I think it’s something about wanting to get an MFA in creative writing when you have no idea where that will actually lead, job-security-wise. I’m an underpaid admin contractor now, but at least I know I’m employed, I guess?)

      1. hawthorn_tree +2

        Grad school is an awesome reason to move, but then there’s … everything else about grad school to consider.

    4. roz_doyle +5

      Yes I feel this very strongly all the time.

      I live (just outside of) Philly right now, wanna switch?

    5. bird_internet +3

      I’m really seriously thinking about getting out of DC but it seems like most of my promising job leads are coming from people I used to work with in my last city, and I’m not super psyched about that either. Maybe I’ll just throw a dart at a map; wherever it lands will likely have a less-infuriating housing market, at least.

  121. Household_Opera +15

    Oh, Toasts. <3 to all of you. A friend of mine likes to use the expression “CRYFACE EXTREME,” and today it’s an accurate description of my internal state.

    I’ve been having quite a good couple of weeks — some exciting work project stuff coming up, the semester winding down to a point where I don’t feel crazed all the time, a nice dinner with friendly people last night, an obscure opera tonight, I finally bit the bullet and started booking myself a Real Vacation for this summer (which I’ve been wanting to do for ages but I’m really bad at letting myself spend money on fun things) and now that I’ve committed to it I’m relieved and excited rather than anxious, which is a good feeling — but then I got up, looked at Facebook, and saw The News. And now I’m sad.

      1. MissBadcrumble +1

        Oh my gosh, that is a beautiful kitty! Those eyes, what an amazing colour! <3
        What is she/he called?

    4. Thujaplicata +23

      Asa, looking regal:

      Oliver, sure that the fabric is for him to play with:

    7. fakely_mctest +16

      Recently got this (totally fab) butterfly chair and for some reason Teekl really likes to suspend his body in it and bat at the little wool ball I roll down to him:

      Yes you got it good job.

    9. literarysara +4

      Anise and Ascher are all of us:

      They were upset about being at the vet. But they snuggle each other even when they are not stressed.

  123. dorianneemmerton +75

    You guys are the first people I told about my bipolar II diagnosis.

    1. RoseCamelia +10

      You have very good judgment; you knew you’d be safe here. And we are honored to have your trust.

  124. illyria83 +22

    Oh, toasties… I have the worst headache and it’s been such a crazy day. I’ve saved and posted in the google doc, added a few of you on Twitter, etc., joined Slack and saved Reddit for later (I can’t learn two new channels right now). Feeling overwhelmed and sad and my God, somehow I live in Virginia but have been transported to the fucking PNW or somewhere else stereotypically rainy and lacking in sun.

    I love you all, I’m super grateful to everyone at the Toast and we have time to figure this out. *breathes* I’m gonna go and come back later, maybe tomorrow.

    ETA: find me at @illyria83 (Twitter), @liv (Slack), illyria83 (Tumblr)

    1. larsgarvey +2

      My mother lives in Virginia. I’m really sorry to hear about the rain. I think we stole your sunshine. And weirdly, I think just when the rain is meant to end for you, it comes right back to Seattle…

  125. Cricket +14

    I don’t comment much I always looked forward to reading the Link Roundup on my phone during my lunch break, and then reading the rest of that day’s Toasts Poasts when I got home from work. I will be very sad without this website to turn to every day, but I understand it’s for the best. I’m just not great with change, but I will get there. And though I don’t comment often, I have learned so much and felt connected to the commenters here. Everyone here is the best and I’m feeling like Leslie Knope with lots of tears and compliments waiting to get out, so I’m gonna stop here. I wish Nicole, Nikki, Mallory, Marco and everyone all the best. <3

    Edit: oh, I am also @schmassie on twitter but I don’t tweet too terribly often. I may try to be more active now, though.

  126. bower_bird +7

    Toasts! I started a collaborative Spotify playlist to accompany the open thread last week. And it filled up with a bunch of delightful things from fellow toasties with great and diverse taste in music. Feel free to add songs here that you’ve been obsessing over this week or express your feeling about the tragic demise of our homeland.

    I’ve added “OTL” by Field Medic, a sensitive portrait of a trash hipster looking for love by one of my favorite local SF musicians.

    URL: https://open.spotify.com/user/123500971/playlist/…
    Spotify URI: spotify:user:123500971:playlist:4saq2zp1Qti3q8wQ5MeO4p

    Hugs to you all on this black day.

    1. therealadri +1

      Thank you so much for making this. I love it, and I always feel a special kind of appreciation for someone who brings good music into my life.

  127. actuallycabbage +27

    I feel like I’m being evicted D: Where else can one find such a quality community???

    In other news my boss and I just shut down a problem customer who wouldn’t take no for an answer (it took 20 minutes) and between that and the Toast I’m in a glass case of emotions.

  128. LaxMom +12

    Oh dear lord. Well, I’ll just stay totally superficial. A fellow grad student strongarmed me into meeting f2f with a chinese big-data professor, i have NO idea what his specialty is other than big data, but she heard him speak and thought of me? I really am not looking forward to this awkwardness.

    Yesterday we played the team’o’giants again. I tried to cancel this game. I tried to reschedule it so they had to cancel. At the last I prayed for thunderstorms, but no go. I hate this team. I have under 5′ 12-year-olds on my team (7th graders). They have eighth graders that are 200 lb linebackers and DRIVE already (that means they are at the very least 15 1/2 years old). This is LEGAL. And their damn coach and parents cheered every friggin’ time they scored even though this is the second time they’ve slaughtered us, and who does that, really? I mean, 70 pound kids against 200 pound 6 ft people? Of course they’re beating us. My poor defense kids got sandwiched so many times I’m amazed we didn’t get another concussion. I am pretty damn upset that they can get away with this crap. Plus I had to look my team in the face and say, “Hey guys, I know I’m supposed to tell you rah,rah, you can do it, but I’m a bad liar. We can’t beat them. So let’s set some team performance goals”. GRR.

    One of my favorite players from last year came by from the high school with his buddies and made a very loud cheering section that really bugged the other team. I like him!!!
    One of the giant people said really nasty obscenities to my daughter, too. Girl or not, why does the bully need to pick on kids 1/3 his size? And then gloat?

    Anyway. I tried to make it up to them by buying them all surprise popsicles and giving them today off.
    I have a replacement coach for next year. I know it’s the right thing to do, this is nearly killing me with the phd program now, but I am finally feeling like I can actually coach this game, darnit! I just got certified! The new coach is gonna inherit all these kids who I taught and get them when they can actually win games and I’m jealous.

    1. GingerHawk +5

      My all-time favorite is the Shadowscapes Tarot. It has beautiful, beautiful artwork (which is what first drew me to it) and there are no reversals in the deck, so I find it easier to read.

    2. lemonack +2

      I’ve been using Maggie Stiefvater’s Raven’s Prophecy deck lately and am starting to get the hang of it, though I’m not sure I’d recommend it yet.

      The Science Tarot gives solid readings if you don’t mind that it can be really sarcastic with you at times.

    3. betterpast +2

      Wizards Tarot was the deck that spoke to me when i went searching for one. there’s something very Ravenclaw about it and that speaks to me.

      OMG has anyone made a Harry-Potter themed tarot yet with the houses as suits

  130. middlemarch +48

    I LITERALLY GOT A TEXT FROM A FRIEND- WHO I HAVEN’T TALKED TO IN LIKE, MONTHS – TODAY THAT WAS JUST “YOU READ THE TOAST, RIGHT?”

    This is the website equivalent of getting a call in the afternoon that’s like, “You, you know so and so, right? Are you sitting down?”

    Which, obviously this isn’t A PERSON dying, but it’s sad news nonetheless. In addition to the important male novelist jokes that have entered my life, I’ll be suuuuuper sad to see this community go. Not joking when I say this website kept me (mostly) sane my first two years of law school. I… I might have to get on Reddit now as replacement, AND A SORRY REPLACEMENT THAT IS.

    (Alternately, I could also just work hard to craft a friend-group of artsy and librianish types in the major metropolitan area where I live, but why would I do something stupid and meat-space-y like that?)

  132. Thujaplicata +8

    Eurovision thread? I’m so excited that I get to watch the final live in US tomorrow! I’ve been watching the saved streams of the semi-finals and I’m really quite sad that Belarus did not make it to the finals. Also Bosnia and Herzegovina, but that is because of their amazing costumes and not the craziness of Belarus.

      1. Thujaplicata +2

        I haven’t watched the big 5’s songs yet, but I’m sort of rooting for Croatia based mostly on her awesome haircut and ridiculous costumes.

    2. Merripat +1

      I have to work on my other job tomorrow night and will be missing the beginning, but I hope I’ll still see most of it. Not rooting for my country (Germany) though.

  133. middlemarch +22

    In an effort to be brave and continue on the OT Tradition:

    What is YOUR summer aesthetic? I’m going for Sexy Velma / Goth Cher Horowitz. What is your look?

    1. gcf +5

      I am on a mission to own more sparkly shit. Have acquired 2 new sleeveless sequinned shirts and am going down a very sparkly tunnel on amazon.

    2. Theo_Winterwood +13

      I feel like maybe I’ll try to cultivate a summer wardrobe that’s a little bit Nice Guy Jock from an ’80s Movie crossed with an extra from Velvet Goldmine.

      Although my summer goal is also to find one of those long sheer dresses that you have to wear over a bodysuit. Kind of like this, sort of: http://theo-winterwood.tumblr.com/post/1438700160…

      Or the red flowered one here: http://theo-winterwood.tumblr.com/post/6730716872…

      I have not had luck so far, though.

      ETA: Goth Cher Horowitz sounds amazing and I want to know what it entails.

      1. middlemarch +10

        Goth Cher Horowitz is essentially a Sexy Velma, but more open to crop tops and athleisure wear. The “Goth” part of this comes not only from my large amount of black clothing, but also from my natural coloring, which is dark Irish (incredibly pale with very dark hair). Dark Irish = Nature’s Goth, and I gotta work what I got.

        1. Theo_Winterwood +6

          That is absolutely supercool and I will follow you back! (I apologize in advance for the hardcore lack of unifying theme/coherence my tumblr has.)

          Goth Cher Horowitz sounds like maybe a second cousin to what my (hopeful) look will be; I think the 80s Jock/VG extra thing is a more brightly colored and sparkly retro version of the same thing. (Also hopefully including crop tops, because I’ve decided I need more of them in my life, especially in the summer.)

    3. whollyword +11

      It doesn’t usually get hot until September where I am, so I am continuing in Victorian Mourning Alice B. Toklas for a while.

    4. fenixdawn +5

      I just started PT work at a yoga studio so I may lean way into yoga clothes this summer.

    6. bird_internet +10

      I’m going for “the mom from ‘Drop Dead Gorgeous’ with the beer can permanently stuck to her hand”

    7. lemonadefish +9

      Like every summer, I will be rocking Lesbian Music Festival. (Straightish lady who hates music festivals. But that’s my look!)

  134. Cricket +21

    The happier news I was going to share today (since I am home sick in bed and finally in time for an open thread), which feels very strange to post now, I AM FINALLY SEEING HAMILTON NEXT WEEK. I have been vibrating with excitement since I passed the “1 Month Til Hamilton” countdown alert I put in my phone. There’s just been an underlying voice in my head going “eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” the last three weeks.

  136. gcf +4

    OK kids – cheer up link Dogs “modeling” menswear.
    I discovered this while looking to see if my idea for a tumblr has been taken.
    <a href=”http://www.amazon.com/Topwedding-Organza-Bridal-Wedding-Brooch/dp/B007400270/ref=sr_1_49?s=apparel&ie=UTF8&qid=1463162914&sr=1-49&nodeID=7141123011&keywords=evening+jackets+and+wraps”>This model has the most attitude I have ever seen. She’s all ‘bitch, did you just?’
    Also, look at what you get trying to find a wrap to wear as a wedding guest….<a href=”http://www.amazon.com/Skin-Two-Clothing-Rubber-Jacket/dp/B009WSD2CO/ref=sr_1_1173?s=apparel&ie=UTF8&qid=1463163845&sr=1-1173&nodeID=7141123011&keywords=evening+jackets+and+wraps”>obviously.

  137. Theo_Winterwood +30

    I started to type that I wanted to say something lovely and heartfelt, but that’s not really my forte. And then I realized that (especially given the recent Keanu Reeves thing), I might be best served by just giving you all the full unabridged text of his Big Inspirational Speech from The Replacements:

    “I wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn’t be our style. Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory lasts forever.”

    1. dashitall +9

      *sniffle* Yeah, that’s pretty good. That’s a pretty good thing I s’pose.

    2. larsgarvey +6

      That is amazing. Thank you! Definitely brought a smile to my face. (I think my coworkers are concerned about me. I haven’t been blasting post-punk, so they know something is up.)

  139. hellinorthrashwood +21

    I wanted to post about my new apartment – it’s a summer sublet and I have the place to myself, and I walk to work every day by passing through an old cemetery and a public garden and I am LOVING IT. But now I am too sad.

    I’ve been a longtime lurker and only recently started tentatively posting on this site, and I admit that I am just a bit devastated at this morning’s announcement. I wish I had been able to know you wonderful people better. But I’m glad the Toast existed (and will exist for a couple more months). I always read link round-ups on my break at work, and it’s a bright spot in my moment of escape from retail hell. Thank you.

    1. Theo_Winterwood +5

      I walk to work every day by passing through an old cemetery and a public garden and I am LOVING IT.

      Well, that’s it, you have just helped me find my new life dream. That sounds amazing.

      1. hellinorthrashwood +3

        It’s really very nice, especially with spring coming and the trees starting to bloom!

    2. Theo_Winterwood +2

      I walk to work every day by passing through an old cemetery and a public garden and I am LOVING IT.

      Well, that’s it, you have just helped me find my new life dream. That sounds amazing.

    3. Theo_Winterwood +2

      I walk to work every day by passing through an old cemetery and a public garden and I am LOVING IT.

      Well, that’s it, you have just helped me find my new life dream. That sounds amazing.

    4. aintnothingtoit +4

      PUBLIC GARDEN AND CEMETERY. This is quality happy-making stuff right here, and I am so chuffed for you! I hope you have many a beautiful, sunshiny, flower-smelling, day dreamy walk to work.

      My original OT plan was to post about my summer sublet! Can I gush with you? I think I’m going to adore my new roommates! One is a Russian/Mexican visual artist, one a badass lady coder, and the other is in grad school for sustainability/environmental consulting. The place is so full of light and art and fluffy pillows. The living room is adorable and has the most let’s-drink-tea furniture, and it’s just a block from where I live now. I can still bike down to the lovely park in 10 minutes! I can’t wait to lounge about and make pancakes there on a Saturday morning.

      1. hellinorthrashwood +2

        Thank you! So far my walks have been lovely, and they’ll be even better once spring is here in earnest.

        Oh gosh, your situation sounds wonderful! Your roommates seem cool as hell! It’s really so nice to have a great sublet. I think I’m gonna be sad when I have to leave this place, haha.

        I hope you get to make pancakes very soon! Don’t forget to add chocolate chips/blueberries/whatever delicious addition you desire!

  140. zzblock +10

    Hi Toast. I am finally (finally!) done shedding tears over this morning’s announcement, understandable and wise though it may be. (And I second the post requesting another “Hey Ladies” before the Toast goes quiet. Please please please!)

    I know this is a personal request, but if anyone here has any thoughts or advice or suggestions on how to deal with being A Lady With PCOS, those would be very very welcome at this time. Since I found out on Monday that I am one, and have been one for years, without knowing. Much as it feels good to have an explanation for all these wonky things my body does, I am really struggling to come to terms with this. It has only been four days! I know! But it is hard.

    Love to you all, this has been my favorite safe place on the internet for the last three years, though I comment only occasionally.

  141. Zelenka +11

    I am going to break down and start a twitter account just so I can follow all the wonderful Toast writers and commenters. I love all of you.
    No pix b/c I don’t know how, but I helped my mother-in-law adopt a shelter dog today, 4 years old, part Jack Russell and part not. A small dog is having a very good day.

  142. SuspectedDragon +8

    Won’t lie, I am all caps SAD. But I’m going to cheer myself up by going back and reading the piece that introduced me to The Toast and Saint Mallory (I keep it bookmarked, it’s that good):
    http://the-toast.net/2013/09/17/oscar-wilde-and-w…

    All these years later and I’m still slightly bitter that my literature degree did not teach me this.

  143. acefisch +17

    I’m too upset to deal with work. My supervisor reads the Toast too, so they should understand why I have to leave immediately to grieve, right?

    Where will I find my Link Roundups? How will I ever figure out what’s going on in the world AND see cute pictures of dogs?

    I’m going to miss this so much.

  144. dissolver +32

    Oh hey an open thread, I have been busy trying to learn how to both use AND moderate Reddit because of https://www.reddit.com/r/ToastCrumbs/ (which has been linked elsewhere but I will do it again anyway esp because I am v proud of coming up with the name)

    If you have also made a Toast-Diaspora group and want it in our sidebar let me know and I can making it happen

    This has been SUCH A WEEK THOUGH YOU GUYS.

  145. lisa +17

    I’ve been reading The Toast for so long and never commented and now I wish I had! 🙁 Just wanted to say that lurking in the comments here has brought me great joy. What a cool, kind, and funny community you are.

  146. bighairnoheart +24

    Can I mourn my way through my own college graduation tomorrow? Is that a thing that is allowed? Cause I might do it. This looks to be the summer when I would’ve needed The Toast most. Instead I will be clinging to all of you tattered remnants like y’all wouldn’t believe.

    I’m not ready to diminish and go into the West yet.

    1. Merripat +5

      SAME. I’ve also graduated, am going to move, and am therefore losing my therapist and I counted on The Toast. I’m not ready to let go.

      But congrats on graduating. And if you mourn tomorrow, then so be it. Change is hard.

      1. bighairnoheart +7

        My attitude towards leaving college finally can best be summed up by the image of me driving out of there flipping the bird with both hands. (Which I did today leaving graduation practice.) But I’m not ready to leave The Toast. Where else will I go to bitch about the pain of my jobhunt?

  147. Richelle +22

    I have had a pretty crappy past few weeks. I was 32 weeks pregnant when I suddenly developed severe preeclampsia. I had to be admitted to the hospital immediately. I ended up having an emergency c-section a few days later so I wouldn’t die.

    On top of that I am attending grad school four hours away from my fiance and family. Luckily, my fiance could take of work to be by my side for two weeks before his vacation ran out. My baby will be in the NICU until June.So I’m marooned here at the hospital until I can take her home.

    It’s funny the day I had her, I was supposed to move back home, where I would contiune the rest of my degree online. But the universe had other plans.

    And, finally, on top of all of that, my graduate advisor is haggling me over two classes I took this semester. Apparently they don’t count towards my political science degree. I didn’t get her approval to take them(I know, my bad). I didn’t know I needed her approval. They were listed as classes I could take on the registration page and the website. I probably should have cleared my schedule with her like a good little grad student. Ugh

    When they say ‘saturn return’ is this what they are talking about? Oof.

    2. Scotch_n_Stata +6

      I’m glad you are safe! I’m glad your family has grown!

      Sympathetic “Uuugh grad school.”

    3. lemonadefish +4

      Goodness that sounds like a lot! The NICU is a stressful place; I hope you are able to take care of yourself a little bit. Also, if it helps, my 33-weeker and our 31-weeker neighbor are now vigorous giant two-year-olds – the all consuming trauma does end! Many hugs for you.

    4. Maryaed +4

      Hey, all the best too you and I hope your little one is doing well. You should absolutely ask for leave and take incompletes and do anything else you need to do to take a break and be present during this crisis. If your advisor is not ACTIVELY helping you do this, s/he is a very bad advisor and you should find an administrator who will help you, maybe your Director of Graduate Studies or a dean. This is what all those highly paid administrators are for and you should not let some academic bean-counter bother you with transcript bullshit when you’re having a family crisis.

      I wish I were close enough to you to make some strongly worded phone calls. Is your fiance, or a grad school colleague, good at that? This should be delegated if you can.

  148. dashitall +4

    Thanks to everyone for all the well wishes last week, this week has been much, much better with the exception of today’s news about our favorite internet place.

    I was even invited to a Social Thing tonight, and I really should go as part of my initiative to say yes to more things, but now I just want to brood alone with a pizza while I figure out this Twitter thing in hopes of staying connected with all you wonderful people.

  149. kellrowland +15

    It broke my heart once I realized that The Purge: Election Year comes out the same day as The Toast departs.

  150. elfsmirk +6

    I can’t get into my IntenseDebate (whoops I made it too secure) and I’ve only commented once or twice but know that I read the comments and will miss every one of you. <3

    (And on an Agent Carter sidenote, at least we got two seasons and that was more than I was expecting.)

    1. despoticpoodle +3

      I hate to see the cancellation of a show with a strong female lead and other strong female characters (Dottie, oh Dottie). Yet, somehow, people can’t get enough of spinoff reality shows about catty housewives.

  151. MonaLSaperstein +68

    I’m in shock. I’m so sad. I wasn’t going to share this story, but I’m thinking maybe some good news will help?

    I’m tutoring a refugee family two days a week after school. The 13-year-old girl has informed me every week of the ongoing trials of learning to ride a bike. There were lots of scrapes and bruises, but she never gave up. I told her I was clumsy one day and she said, “No. You can ride a bike. You not clumsy.” Such was the single-mindedness of this girl and her dream.

    Last week she took me outside to watch her, and Y’ALL…SHE DID IT. I told her she was brave for not giving up. She said, “Thank you. I fall, I get back up. I fall, I get back up. And now I can do it.” She rides her bike with a huge smile on her face every time I go to the house now.

    It sounds like some of you are having a really tough day/ week/ year…I hope you can get back up too. I love you all.

  152. spillyfilly +10

    Love you guys <3. You have frequently been the rock in the stormy sea of life.

  153. walteredwardgo +8

    Friends, since there is death all around us and the entropy of the internet has caught, I have a question;

    What happened to Feel The Burn? It was a thing that sounded like it was going to be regular and then it sort of stopped and then we got link roundup posts of workout?

    I mean, because of it I have started “Picking Up Heavy Things” and doing deadlifts and serious weight training or w/e and I am so thankful for that and the style of FTB, because it definitely has helped me with fitness! So much to thank the Toast for! But I am confused by the mystery of what changed and where it went???

    1. betterpast +15

      i momentarily read that as “i have caught a question” and i thought ohhhhhhh, yes, i catch questions all the time, sometimes i get a monumental case of questions and i can’t shake it for days

  155. theshehulkchef +29

    I don’t know if anyone will see this due to the overwhelming love and sadness on this thread, but hi. I’m Hannah. That was never a big secret; it’s in my username. Anyway I just wanted to say that this is the most active I’ve ever been on an online forum (I was a Livejournal kid but that’s its whole own deal) and I never imagined finding a group full of such insightful, funny, sympathetic, open minded people. The Toast made me feel like I could be myself in all my geeky, nonmonogamous, gender-confused, insecure and anxious glory, and you all would always get it. I have greatly appreciated my time with you, and a sincere thank you to you and to Mallory and Nicole (especially Mallory, whose writing voice and maybe face I am madly in love with) – you intrigued me with the monks and then cotched me like a kitten and the internet won’t be the same without you.

  156. radcatlady +12

    I wrote this thing about being Brain Weird and very smart and how sometimes everything is too hard because I was sad and disappointed about the world last night.
    https://radcatlady.wordpress.com/2016/05/13/too-s…

    Now I am crying about The Toast ending because even though I don’t comment much it’s the little corner of the internet that feels like home.

    1. ToTheIsLand +5

      My brain weird is not exactly the same as yours, but similar enough that I totally understand that feeling of “both my greatest asset and my greatest enemy here is my brain” (and way beyond the “if you only believe in yourself you will succeed” spin which people mean by similar phrasing).

      I also had underdiagnosed brain issues which placed me in enrichment and honors classes throughout grade school, but torpedoed my GPA once I reached college. I never did finish my degree (left two different schools), and knew I would literally never get to go to grad school and succeed in my area of passion like I knew I could because I was often too overwhelmed by anxiety over mundane assignments and time management make the requisite grades. It’s a lot to work through.

      Anyway, your writing about that was beautiful, and I’m sorry if I’ve made this about me. I just want you to know you aren’t alone in this. You are still smart (and your therapist is wrong about your ADHD meaning that your parents did not give you appropriate structure/teach sufficient executive functioning skills. ADHD brains genuinely are different)

  157. alice darling +9

    I “graduated” from therapy today. No more lunch hours sneaking off to talk about feelings! I’ve worked through some big stuff, the stuff that was causing me grief and angst, resolved a bunch of major issues, figured some shit out, and gotten some great coping skills. I’m really happy to be where I am, but oh DANG I’m going to miss seeing my awesome therapist every week! She’s a genuinely great person, and I’ve enjoyed our time together so much (she did give me a big hug, though, so that’s nice).

    What an emotional roller coaster of a day.

    2. OtherRoooToo +4

      Sounds like you had a great therapist.

      I’ve had, unfortunately, a series of several who were much more terrible.

  158. Givemebackmehat +2

    It occurs to me that this is the right venue to ask for recommendations of MLIS or MAS programs that can be mostly done online (and that aren’t at the University of Washington, because I’m applying to that one but probably don’t have the grades). I live in a state without an accredited program and I can’t move for family/ financial reasons, but I’ve wanted to go to grad school for library/ archiving stuff since I was in high school and might actually be able to afford it soon.

    And 2, has anyone seen The Girl King on Netflix? Because I have OPINIONS on that movie.

    1. Goomaly +2

      San Jose State Uni has a program that is entirely online. Drexel too but I think they are more expensive.

    2. DeepBlueC +1

      University of Illinois at Champaign-Urbana’s Graduate School of Library and Information Science (GSLIS) has a pretty robust online program too, as far as I understand. They require a three day weekend in person (I think just once), but that’s it, and the U of I is very well regarded. If you’re applying to the University of Washington as a reach, you should definitely still try U of I. Good luck!!!

    3. Straw Woman

      San Jose has a great program, very well run, great professors, etc. I didn’t finish my MLIS there because of life reasons but I loved being a part of the program.

    4. depizan +1

      Emporia State University is mostly online. The core classes you do have to go to a two day weekend in-person (3 hours Friday night and 8 hours Saturday) twice a semester; but they have several satellite locations. I’m at the Portland location, but we have people attend classes who are from Montana, Washington, Idaho and even British Columbia.

  159. titibloom +29

    Turning and turning in the widening gyre
    The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
    Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
    Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
    The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
    The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
    The best lack all conviction, while the worst
    Are full of passionate intensity.

    William Butler Yeats, “The Second Coming”

  160. middlemarch +76

    Just realized: you know who ELSE did his work for three years and then left his disciples to carry out his great commission? JUST SAYING, WELL-PLAYED, TOAST. WELL-PLAYED.

  161. leaping_rabbit +14

    I posted a suggestion for this in the earlier thread and a few people seemed interested, so I set up an email address. Unfortunately, I’m at work, so I wasn’t able to follow-up until now –

    Toast Post Summer Care Package Exchange!

    If you would like to participate, please email the following info to toastsummerexchange(at)gmail(dot)com:
    -Your name and address
    -Your username here, if you’d like to share it
    -Care package preferences/interests
    -Any allergies that might be applicable

    I’m thinking a small box of care package items such as snacks, books, fun bath products, stickers… If you send me your info, I will match you with another person. I’ll continue re-posting this throughout the next week to get more views, since I know I’m late today.

  163. hundredacrewords +5

    TOASTIES FOREVER. There will never be such a safe and wonderful space on the internetz and I’m so happy that I was a part of it for a short while! Please continue to give your twitter handles – I want to follow as many of you on twitter as possible, so that even in August I can gaze upon a feed filled with snarky literary jokes. <3 to everyone

    @emilykpowers

  164. Jeanne +12

    Oh, man. I’m a chronic lurker, and I never made an account and only commented a few times. But I read the Toast everyday, and I’m super sad that I never overcame my anxiety/laziness to comment more regularly. This community is very important to me. Thanks to Mallory, the Nicoles, and all of the commenters for making it so awesome.

  165. JustEdmund +11

    First ever comment!

    I only just found this site and binge read-almost everything. The Open Thread sections is one of my favorite parts about the site, though I’ve been too intimidated to participate. This site reminded me that I loved to learn and read and draw for fun, things that I had put aside after graduating/getting my first job; so fuck it, I’ll comment while it’s still active.

    I have so many questions, but I’ll limit myself to two, and maybe someone will have some thoughts.
    Any non-fiction book that made you exclaim out loud and/or run immediately to tell someone what you had read? Preparing to get some summer reading books.

    What colors have you been thinking about recently? Lately I’ve been dreaming about pinks (pale, slightly dirty) and the color of mangoes…

    1. Heathered +2

      Book: Strange Piece of Paradise by Terri Jentz (I hope I spelled that correctly). It’s a few years old, but wow and wow.
      Color: I think my sadness at this recent news has rendered things translucent.

    2. Kitling +2

      Book: Lords of the Atlas — a book about the role of the Glaoui brothers just before and during the colonization of Morocco by the French. V absorbing + fascinating. Surprisingly little cringe-inducing orientalist crap despite being published in 1966, though I warn you there remain some of course. (You get the general sense that life was often pretty terrible before the French came but far, far worse after.)

      Blue. Partly because my friend has been reading Bluets by Maggie Nelson, which looks amazing. Partly because my amazing photographer friend did art direction for this series of photos: http://olgalipska.co.uk/blue/ Partly because I started using ‘Eau de Bleuet’ as a toner some months ago.
      And partly because I’m feeling a tiny bit weird about all the above because found out fairly recently that my boyfriend’s ex was apparently obsessed with the colour blue and that is why the walls of the bedroom in the apartment are painted blue.

  166. Scotch_n_Stata +11

    Hi dear, dear Toasties!

    I am posting in the middle of the night from a time zone far, far away, but I just felt like I needed to voraciously consume all of the (virtual the hyphen) Toast, and share the moment with you all, my brethren.

    … After that small outburst, I am also going to choose denial for a bit… Or at least blithely capitalize on the remaining OTs.

    Who wants to participate in a crazy work anecdotes thread? I’ll start, in the reply.

    1. Scotch_n_Stata +11

      So, I have had a particularly exhausting week. I am a manager of many young male engineers, and sometimes the work is physically and emotionally draining.

      For part of my week, I woke up very early (which I detest), got on a plane to a location where a planned meeting was cancelled, then took a car on a bumpy road for about 4 hours to a remote rural location to supervise some work there. I am staying in a hotel with no hot water, with intermittent power, and smack in the middle of a giant, sweaty heat wave. It is the type of place where the management turns the generator on from 6pm to 4am to run the guests’ air conditioning. Which means that you wake up at 5am drenched in sweat, and turn on the fan, and return to sleep. I am pretty sure that none of the bedclothes have ever been properly washed, and the sole pillow is just a thin slab of other peoples’ dead skin mites. When I return from the field each day, I shower off the silt from a thousand dusty summers of riding a motorcycle across alluvial plains, and drink two liters of water, because all of the water has left my body in the form of sweat hours earlier, and there are no bathrooms in the field that would make responsible hydration a dominant strategy.

      All of this does not bother me too much. But sometimes, dear readers, dealing with the patriarchy, or the fragile egos of my young employees, just depletes my will to go on. I have the feeling that everyone I work with (at least 5 years younger than me) starts with the assumption that I am “a fragile thing that must be protected from everything… including accurate and detailed information about the project we are undertaking.”

      Before I came to this place, my associate told me that there is a place in this small town that serves a regional delicacy. Everything who goes here tries it. And yet he told me that he could never take me there, because he wanted to protect me, and it wasn’t a good place “for women to go.” So of course I needed to be taken there immediately after arriving. Marvelous how convincing you can be to people who work for you. And we went. And it was a regular dhaba/truckstop/diner. THERE WERE FAMILIES THERE. This somehow made me feel worse. Like, just how delicate do you think I am? And, although it was a feminist victory, it was not a victory for my tastebuds. I am pretty sure I ate lamb heart, you guys. All of the lamb. No part of the lamb was spared. Not prepared for that, but obviously I had to eat it because I was locked in a feminist game of “truth-or-dare” with only myself.

      All of the sighs.

      1. Where's My Cheese +5

        I am here for your sighs and dealing with delicate precious man feels in a manly man company / industry.

        Because while I am assuredly not in the wilds of anywhere, I have had A WEEK (ok really years but THIS WEEK) of dealing with sensitive petal flowers who are apparently upset that I wish to inflict an industry standard process, required by audit, on them. Because my inflicting said process is clearly a sign of my empire building and not really understanding what they do and do I not realise this is very very complicated and even though Every Single Company that does this has this process We Are Special.

        In short, 20 people from various depts are if not gung-ho to do this, at least supportive, but the whole thing has come screeching to a halt because one Senior Engineer has decided to throw his toys out of the pram, and not only has his boss and my peer supported him in his objection, but he has asked me to understand it’s difficult for this person and try to be a bit more conciliatory and resign myself to the fact that in this place we really have to accept that it’s not possible to bring people along and so we just have to try to change things quite so much and maybe just compromise on anything like this to a level everyone finds acceptable. Gah.

    2. SarcasticFringehead +12

      So the firm I work at has its main office in a big city, and a smaller (but not tiny) office in a smaller (but not tiny) agricultural town about two hours away. Our IT guy went out there recently, and when he entered the server room, found several pallets of corn. When he asked why the corn was there, they said “well, where else would we put it?” Where else, indeed, would one store dusty, possibly damp, possibly insect-y corn, than in the same room as your most delicate and expensive equipment?

  167. guac_eater +21

    Someone came into the library with a (sealed) thing of fresh guac

    they walked out without taking it with them

    i was planning on having nachos to eat my feelings tonight anyway

  168. Pegasus Olson +25

    I’m so sad about the Toast closing, and filled with regret that I spent so much time lurking here and not too much commenting. I’ve read The Toast since the beginning but only got up the nerve to start commenting a couple months ago, and I always had secret friend-crushes on all of you. I really regret not getting more involved when I had the chance, especially since I’ve felt really lonely. I’m trying to add people on Twitter though, so hopefully I’ll find some people there. If anyone wants me to add them you can email me at Calluna Vintage at gmail dot com (my twitter handle is my IRL name so I feel weird about posting it here!). I’ll talk about books and TV with you!

  169. kateeek +6

    Oh man, The Toast! I’m dusting off my intensedebate account to say how sad I am about this news. Time differences meant I have rarely commented, but reading through the open thread on Saturday mornings is a ritual I’ll be sad to see go.

  170. spockgrrl +8

    I don’t comment often, but I love this space and I love this website and I have been misty eyed all day. Grateful and sad. Right now, mostly sad. But I think it’ll swing to mostly grateful soon.

  171. lrljhnsn +9

    i hardly have the heart to talk about me, in light of all these other feelings i’m feeling. but i’ll power through:

    my move! it happened! one week ago, in fact. it was terrible (like, worse than i imagined, i am not proud of how much i drank during it, though not during any of the actual driving). but anyway, it’s over, and i’m in my new city.

    and it feels….normal? i’ve settled into working from home for the first time ever. driving is easy. finding my way around is easy. all the yoga studios look neat and i’m slowly investigating them. and i’ve gone on a few dates!

    and my cat has settled in. he’s happy to be on the ground floor and have windows to jump in and out of, and has been spending full days and most nights out exploring the new neighborhood.

    all of the friends here and on twitter have been so wonderful during this weird change-time. thank you so much. [sniffle]

  172. bookwormV +16

    Today’s news has got me thinking about the other internet communities I have been a part of and what happened to them. I was a member of a Buffy forum many years ago, my first real foray into online fandom; it was wonderful at first, and then there was horrible drama and people leaving (my memories are thankfully blurry, but I believe our most prolific poster accused another very frequent poster of having made up the fact that she was raped. It was not good). It was never quite the same after that, obviously, but still existed and had a lot going for it until it started to die slowly. One user created a spinoff forum for those of us who didn’t want to lose the community to jump ship to, but it was no good. Then there was a Green Wing fan forum which also combined stressful interpersonal drama with a slow decline, and then there was the Hairpin. All things considered, it is probably for the best that the Toast is shutting down while it’s still at the top of its game; the fights and silent periods in a dying community are miserable. But still.

    I was also thinking about what I have gained from the Toast. I remember being so encouraged by the comments on the Femslash Friday post about Grease where so many people talked about the difficulty they had realising their queerness, and plucking up the courage to say similar things myself; the semi-anonymous nature of the site made it easier to articulate the thoughts I had been keeping quiet for too long. Now I am out to myself and those around me as bisexual, and I credit the Toast with helping me to get to that point.

  175. Netshy +16

    Hi everyone, long time lurker here and just yesterday was so excited for the OT to post my first real comment here since my goal was to comment more and make new friends. I am so sad about the website closing because I love reading the Link Roundup (and everything else) every day. Does anyone know where to find something similar? 🙁
    Also I’m in the process of separating from my husband and every day just solidifies my reasons to leave. I am so ready to start a new chapter of my life.

    1. Rose +4

      Best of luck with your new chapter! I mostly lurked for a couple years, so I get your sadness!!! As for something similar, I can’t think of anything quite like this site. Maybe someone else knows?

  176. FalafelQueen +14

    I have been working up the nerve for months to post here. I feel awkward like when I finally talked to people on the last day of a class and realized it wasn’t so scary. I could have made so many friends! I want us all to be friends. Where else will I find so many wonderful literary, feminist commenters? From the art history jokes to the link roundups, from fantastic boyfriends to open threads. Everything here is amazing, and I for one will miss The Toast.

  177. Heathered +9

    Asking this VERY late in the day but I only just found out and any advice would be helpful: I met my cardiologist last Monday and like him very much. He seems to think I’m healthy enough but wanted to go ahead with a treadmill/stress test due to my family history and the fact that I was a wheezy mess when I was so anemic in January/February. Fair enough. They called today to preregister me, and…I suddenly have no insurance. So I called *them*, and they had no explanation, but referred me to a local office, where of course massive cutbacks mean no offices are open on Fridays. This, coupled with the entire rest of today, is proving to be a stress test of its own. Any ideas for how to rectify this? So far I’ve tried crying a lot with no tangible results.

    1. RoseCamelia +10

      Oh Toastfriend, this is terrible. I’m sorry this is happening to you. I have no ideas. Well, that’s not exactly true. I have ideas about finding who fucked this up for you and tearing their head off so I can yell down their neck. But that wouldn’t rectify anything. It’s OK to cry. Wish I could make you tea and hand you tissues.

      1. Heathered +6

        I guess I’m going to try and get caught up on work this weekend and then turn into a human flamethrower Monday morning in hopes someone will be inspired to find me an answer or two. This has been the Friday the Thirteenthiest Friday the Thirteenth I’ve ever experienced.

    2. LaxMom +5

      One of the things I learned at tax time was that if we didn’t renew our certification for the tax discounts on obamacare insurance, it would get cancelled. Did you have obamacare?
      http://www.usatoday.com/story/money/personalfinan…

      Not that that’s helpful, but it’s the first thing I through of. I hope you get an answer soon.

      1. Heathered +4

        Thank you! I guess because I didn’t income-qualify to choose anything that I’m ultimately covered by Medi-Cal, *through* Partnership Something Something. But each is pointing to the other and saying, “Durrrrr, ask them.” I secretly think they’re trying to murder me via stress, but I’m not having it. I *did* answer all the questions about coverage when I filed my taxes, though, so hopefully that’s not where the SNAFU lies.

  179. lantanalantana +12

    Guys. I’m de-lurking for the 1st time to say (on the 10th page,in the wilderness) – ow. Thank you,Nicole & Mallory and all you amazing and wonderful commenters,so much for providing the most scintillating and safest space on the internet.

  180. Eeden +8

    Literally found the toast in the past two weeks. I was so excited to find it! At first I didn’t realise it was a women- run site; of course I should have got that immediately.

    Looking forward to going back over the archives; best wishes for your future ventures, and thanks!

  181. brittaunfiltrd +13

    Hi Toasties. I am wildly bad at replying to comments, but many of you have been incredibly kind to me in re: meltdown comments I made here or at the Pin, and all of you have been so wonderful, and I love you a lot. Thanks for being such a fantastic community.

    Yrs in misandry 4ever,
    @brittaunfiltrd (basically everywhere)

  182. decantate +27

    YOU GUYS I GOT DUMPED BY A MANSPLAINER AND I FOUND OUT THE TOAST IS CLOSING ON THE SAME DAY AND I DON’T HAVE ANY WINE

    3. Maryaed +8

      Wait, dumped by mansplainer is GOOD. May you replace him with one who can listen.

      1. decantate +1

        I know! It’s totally good! That’s why BEING DUMPED by him was the kick in the teeth. Like, why do I have to have those danged feelings about someone totally useless?

        Luckily by the time I read your reply I’ve moved on to the anger part, which is more soothing.

  183. Rose +8

    Well, I’m really happy that Nicole and Mallory are doing well and feeling good This was truly a remarkable run! I’ve never smoked before, but I really feel like a cigarette about now. Anybody want to step outside for a smoke with me?

    As I’m listening wistfully to the Toasties’ lovely playlist, I thought I might as well throw this little dream into the Universe: A TOAST ANTHOLOGY! It could be at least 4 volumes!!! All these amazing essays, interviews, and classic series’ could be in book form, with a handful of the best comments at the end of each. We could activate The Toast Editorial Team! I would legit do admin and slog-work for free.

    1. jackan7 +2

      Was just reading childrens stories made horrific; House at Pooh Corner, and loving it, so I am already a bad person.

  185. aqueousmedium +32

    So late with this, but today I found out the Toast is closing down just before I went to move my parents to assisted living then hold a garage sale for all the 50 years of stuff that wasn’t going with them. It was a weird day, needless to say. After this weekend is over I’m going to read all the comments and let the sadness soak in, but in the midst of both sets of sadnesses I feel that Toasties would appreciate – as I did – how awesome the neighbours who came to the garage sale were. A beautiful boho tattooed lady bought my mom’s favorite forest green full-length cape from the 60s and I’m so glad it’s going to be worn with joy. A middle aged Bosnian stone mason bought an old stone plumb from my dad’s toolbox and stopped to say how hard he found it to buy, because he kept imagining people going through his own things, but that he would use it and treasure it because they don’t make them like that any more. I think my parents will enjoy hearing the stories about the people who want to put their old things to good use; in the end, life is about the stories we tell. Thank you for sharing your stories, Toastfriends, and I hope we can keep sharing them.

  186. Kitling +34

    Sad toast. Sigh.
    Rather late to this thread but a while ago I posted some funny things my French boyfriend did/said which seemed to tickle people. So here are some more:

    Him: I sink we should go on a day trip to zis centre where zere are wolves and eagles.
    Me: Oh yes! That sounds amazing! Is it far?
    Him: No. (pause) Actually I sink zey are orcs not eagles.
    Me: Orcs?
    Him: Yes.
    Me: What’s an ‘orc’?
    Him: You know, orcs. Like eagles.
    Me: Erm…no…How do you spell it?
    Him: H-A-W-K-S
    (I mean, I should have got that straight away but visions of Lord of the Rings were hard to dispel.)

    [in France, at house party where everybody was French except me]
    Me: Just to warn you, when we go to London, none of my friends will be able to pronounce your name.
    Him: That is okay. They can call me ‘Sexyyy Frrrench Guy’.
    Me: Hahaha. Actually I did call you ‘the French guy’ when you weren’t yet important enough to have a name.
    Him: (sadly) Where did the ‘sexy’ go?
    His friend: I will call you that from now on. ‘Sexyyy Frrrench Guy’.
    Me: You’re all French here!
    His friend: Yes but he is ‘Sexyyy Frrrench Guy’.
    Him: Yes. He appreciates me. Thank you.
    His friend: That’s ok, Sexyyy Frrrench Guy.
    (Apparently he used to refer to me as ‘La Petite Anglaise’ when I was not yet important enough to have a name.)

    [in England]
    Him: Where is it?
    Me: Worcestershire
    Him: Wu—Wuss– How do you spell it?
    Me: Um…I don’t think that would help.

    Him: I was at his…how do you say…Rooster evening.
    Me: ….Do you mean Stag night?
    Him: Yes.
    [Note – Bachelorette parties are called ‘hen nights’ and Bachelor parties are called ‘stag nights’ in UK.]

    1. Apfelmoose +13

      Interlinguistic relationships are the best. When I went to the wedding of friends of my German boyfriend, I had to spend the preceding day practicing saying the German equivalent of ‘how do you know the bride?’ and not ‘how do you know the bread?’

    2. laurenipsum +3

      c’est quoi son nom? (edit: just wondering about the impronounceability thing)

  188. Hieronymusb +2

    I recently started an etsy for my ceramics! Maybe you will like them : https://www.etsy.com/shop/NimbleFingersArts

  189. Maryaed +4

    I got laid off but this is actually a little more sad! I’m glad y’all are going out on a high note though. It sounds like you have a lot of promising other projects and I’m glad the archive will stay up so I can continue to torment people by linking them to the horrible children’s books, and delight them by linking to the monks.

  190. sleepy_head +7

    I’m a long-time Toast lurker and I’m so, so sad that a lurker is all I’ll ever be, really! I hope it won’t be creepy to show up in erstwhile-Toasties spaces when nobody actually knows me from The Toast. I’m cool and literary, I promise. Many thanks to Mallory and Nicole for so much thought-provoking content and many, many belly laughs. Sad to see The Toast close but so glad it was ever a thing in the first place.

    Anyways, I have a thing to get off my chest. Pardon the self-indulgence, but I don’t know where else to get this out and it is, frankly, embarrassing that it’s still messing me up a full 28 hours after it happened, and I don’t want to admit it to anyone I know, because it’s just so DUMB. But I also feel really bad about it. And I’m guessing the open thread is dead at this point in the weekend so I’m basically just yelling into the void, right? I think yelling into the void is helpful sometimes, so here goes.

    In short, someone was having a phone call to resolve an annoying, kinda stressful, but not dire problem. I mention something that I think could be useful to relay but that, in retrospect, probably wasn’t really but could also be taken as me just complaining for complaining’s sake (mistake #1: interrupting a phone call is rude no matter what, I know, if I’d thought about it for more than .1 seconds I would’ve kept my mouth shut). Person looks at me like ?? and clearly thinks I’m trying to fight, so is glaring at me, and I try to backtrack and explain (mistake #2) and they think I’m trying to escalate the situation, so they’re saying things to me, to which I’m responding (mistake #3) which is making them angrier. At this point, I’m profusely apologizing, and the person is visibly angry at me. Person finishes their phone call then yells at me, at some length, about how unhelpful it is that I was “screaming” (I was not, by any stretch of the imagination). I apologize a number of times. In fact I had apologized before they even started yelling at me after hanging up the phone. Person eventually says fine, we’re done, even though they’re still looking at me like I cut a puppy’s throat in front of them. I leave and solve the problem for myself another way.

    The thing is, the person is a stranger. We were in the same situation and I thought I was chipping in something helpful, and I wasn’t, and now a person who means exactly nothing to me only knows me as a rude jerk. That shouldn’t bother me, but it does. I feel guilty that I made a bad judgment call in opening my mouth. Part of me feels that the person was also being a jerk about something that was really not that serious, especially when the person characterized my comment as “screaming” (yikes). They didn’t give me a chance to explain myself, and they kept berating me after I’d said sorry probably ten times. I might have tried to explain myself anyway, except with the person as angry at me as they were it would’ve done no good, and I was on the verge of tears and just wanted to get out of the situation at that point.

    It doesn’t really help that pretty much all of my friends are away or busy this weekend, so that was the last substantial interpersonal interaction I’ve had. I probably should start seeing a therapist and talk things like this through with them. I don’t think it’s normal to be so paralyzed by awkward interactions with strangers. Cringeworthy, sure, but I don’t think it’s normal to be this deeply shaken. Is it? I don’t know. I’m usually quiet-ish but not socially awkward, and I’m well-liked by people who know me. But I’ve had a few other situations in the past where unpleasant but minor situations have made me pretty much unable to function. I hate this feeling. If it were a friend I’d tell her that it seemed like a good idea at the time, the other person overreacted, and to forgive herself. But it’s really hard to take my own advice.

    Well, void, thank you for receiving my screams. Writing it down helps a little, at least.

    1. bookwormV +3

      *hugs* I’ve reacted in a very similar way to that sort of interaction (a library user told me at work that I wasn’t being nice enough, and I cried on and off for about an hour). You are probably right that it’s not normal, but you’re not alone.

    2. fiddlergirl +4

      a response from the void: I’d be really upset and shaken by that interaction, too. Your advice-I’d-give-to-a-friend is very good advice, but I also know how hard it can be to apply such advice to oneself.

      I am personally a big fan of therapy! I think most people could benefit from the right therapist. They can help you sort through those paralyzed feelings, what might be behind them and how to mitigate/manage them. You are far from alone in feeling like this, but you don’t have to keep feeling like this indefinitely either.

      hugs to you.

    3. Bent_fork +3

      ” I don’t think it’s normal to be so paralyzed by awkward interactions with strangers. Cringeworthy, sure, but I don’t think it’s normal to be this deeply shaken. Is it? I don’t know. ”

      I’m not that great at the advice-giving, but I think someone yelling at you is more than an “awkward interaction”. I think I’d be quite upset for a lot longer than 28 hours.

      I’ve had much more trivial incidents that I obsess over for a day or two, as in I can’t stop thinking about it, it keeps replaying in a loop in my head, to the point where I have a hard time getting to sleep, I’m so agitated. I’m now just resigned to the fact that it’ll preoccupy me for the next couple days and let it run its course. I don’t know what you mean by “paralyzed”. Or what’s normal and at what point someone should consider therapy.

  191. iamnotanoctopus +4

    Damn. Well, I’m de-lurking just to say that I adore the Toast and I’m sorry to see it go.

  192. enafucoy +9

    I wish I had been more active here, but I love you all so much and I’ve come home to you every single day. Thank you so much. Are there any Manila Toasties here? PLEASE hit me up. PLEASE.

    My real name is Athena Arlene Fucoy, and I’m not a dirtbag, but I am too witches for many things.

    1. Aimee +2

      Oh my gosh! This is the first time I’ve posted, although I’ve been lurking for over a year. I’m in Manila! Well, Paranaque. I thought about posting a Manila Toasties question, but didn’t have any hope of a reply.

    2. Scotch_n_Stata +2

      I live in India but I go to Manila for some holidays! My SO is from there!

      1. enafucoy +1

        Hello, Toastfriend! Hit me up when you do come by and we Toasties can watch Magic Mike, Walk Hard, or a montage of Madeline Kahn together! 🙂

  193. Empsk

    I do a similar thing (though not daily anymore, barely monthly, LIFE ugh) in instagram – @poem_per_page

  194. Empsk

    Oh my goodness, your jewelry is amazing! Bookmarking you so that I can Win Christmas this year

  195. Empsk

    So many clever and talented toasties! I am on twitter @empsk, insta @empsk and Fallen London @empsk (any and all interactions!),

  196. dacks

    a response from the void: I'd be really upset and shaken by that interaction, too. Your advice-I'd-give-to-a-friend is very good advice, but I also know how hard it can be to apply such advice to oneself.

    I am personally a big fan of therapy! I think most people could benefit from the right therapist. They can help you sort through those paralyzed feelings, what might be behind them and how to mitigate/manage them. You are far from alone in feeling like this, but you don't have to keep feeling like this indefinitely either.

    hugs to you.

  197. StoatCat +9

    I don’t know where else on the internet to post this, so I’m going to put it here. I saw this pop up on a friend’s facebook wall thing:
    “On this day in 1903, Roosevelt set off with John Muir on a three-night camping trip in Yosemite. In addition to posing for this famous photograph at Glacier Point, the two men admired giant sequoias, slept in a snow storm, and discussed issues related to preserving wilderness in the Sierra and beyond.
    Their camping conversations eventually led to Roosevelt’s signing of the 1906 Yosemite Recession Bill, which made the Valley and Mariposa Grove part of Yosemite National Park.”

    There was more in the post about conservation and all that, but what I really took away from the post was a fervent desire to read some Teddy Roosevelt/John Muir slashfic about this three-night campout.

    Historic, manly men.
    Sequoias. You know, big wood.
    A night in a snowbound tent.
    “Bully!”

    The internet is not turning anything up. I may have to do it myself.

    1. LeastBittern +4

      post it here (or on toastie twitter) when you’re done because this is Relevant To My Interests.

      Bonus points if there is conflict between “two loaves of bread for a four week trek” Muir and “if I only have two dozen eggs for breakfast I am too greedy for lunch” Teddy.

  198. Unreadaethel +6

    I’ll post this in the Link Roundup tomorrow, but a woman from my church is an avid Toast reader, but has no ID account, so she just catches me in the parish hall on Sunday to discuss the week’s articles and my comments. Anyway, we were both at a wedding yesterday (which was, btw, amazing, and was our church’s *second* same-sex wedding since the Supreme Court decision), and we had a very small moment of shared mourning at the reception.

    A different friend messaged me on Friday night to express his condolences for my loss. Toast: it’s in my real life!

  199. monika

    one of my main coping mechanisms for stress and anxiety is to bury myself in books or fanfiction. I like all sorts of fic, but I must admit to having a particular tendre for crossover and fusions. What are some you’ve liked? Let’s distract ourselves.

    1. SemperLegens

      Turn, by Sara’s Girl (http://archiveofourown.org/series/50584). Harry Potter (Harry/Ginny, Harry/Draco). And everything else by her – Helix, It Takes a Village, Foundations, everything.

      All Sinners Crawl, by Evocates (http://archiveofourown.org/works/4488195). AU/vague future Les Mis.

      Against The Odds, by princeharryfanfiction (http://archiveofourown.org/works/984959/chapters/1940890). As the author name implies. Ridiculous and awesome.

      Truth and Measure, by Telanu (http://archiveofourown.org/works/779826/chapters/1468543). The Devil Wears Prada.

  200. hey_smalls +9

    Nope, it’s Monday and I’m still sad about The Toast closing.

    Just leave me here to die. It’s fine.

  201. tinfucoy

    Hello, Toastfriend! Hit me up when you do come by and we Toasties can watch Magic Mike, Walk Hard, or a montage of Madeline Kahn together! 🙂

  202. climbing bean

    Yeah, cocoa butter hasn't worked well for me. I think I saw this very moisturiser yesterday, and I'm going into town tomorrow, so I might pick some up. Thank you!

  203. climbing bean

    SUKIN, YES. I've used a few things from them before with really good results. How did I forget about them?!

    the body lotion and the facial moisturiser are exactly the same product in different sized bottles, so if you find you like the facial moisturiser, just buy the body lotion and you can save money overall and use it on the rest of yourself.

    That is a really cool thing to know. Thank you!

  204. climbing bean

    I'll make a note of that to check it out when I'm next in Perth. Don't think we have a Priceline here (but will see if the pharmacies have it any way). Thank you.

  205. climbing bean

    How interesting. Thanks for the site name, I've looked them up, and they also have an Australian website… also noticed that a couple of the brands they stock I might be able to just get locally, so that's a plus.

  206. climbing bean

    Someone else I know was just telling me about Korean skincare routines! I obviously need to investigate this further. Thanks!

  207. kevinphilips112 +1

    Really awesome and amazing and I love reading your website the whole time it’s just so great

    thanks again for sharing such a nice post with us!

  208. BonnieStClair

    Just wanted to say a belated thanks for your kind comment! It sounds great that you've been able to get to know the people who adopted the dog you fostered (I especially love that you've been able to petsit him!)