Every time President Fitzgerald Grant appears to be reading or signing a stack of important documents on Scandal, he is in fact working on the Washington Post’s junior crossword puzzle, which he completes religiously every day of the week except for Sundays, when they run Sudoku instead.
4AM. INTERIOR OVAL OFFICE. FITZ sits at his desk, a half-empty decanter of whiskey at his elbow, his right hand at his temple. FITZ picks up the phone.
FITZ [screaming, inexplicably]: OLIVIA ARE YOU AWAKE RIGHT NOW Y/N
INTERIOR. NIGHT. OLIVIA’S ROOM. OLIVIA sits up in bed and presses her hand against her forehead.
OLIVIA: Fitz? Is that you? What’s wrong?
FITZ: WHAT IS A THREE-LETTER WORD FOR CHICKEN
OLIVIA: What?
FITZ: IT’S FOR THE CROSSWORD
I DIDN’T GET TO FINISH IT THIS MORNING BECAUSE I HAD TO PRESIDENT
I HAD TO PRESIDENT ABOUT THE SUDANS
OLIVIA: I…’hen’?
FITZ: OH MY GOD
THAT’S TOTALLY IT
THAT TOTALLY FITS
OLIVIA THANK YOU
***
THE NEXT NIGHT. SAME SCENE.
FITZ: OLIVIA ARE YOU AWAKE
OLIVIA: I am now.
FITZ: OLIVIA HOW DO YOU PRONOUNCE THIS WORD
[slowly, as if reading] S…U…D…O…K…U.
OLIVIA: Do you mean sudoku?
FITZ: YEAH, SUDOKEY
OLIVIA: No, it’s — it’s pronounced su-doh-ku.
FITZ: SUDKOW
OLIVIA: Sudoku.
FITZ: SUDKODS
OLIVIA: Sudoku.
FITZ: I FEEL LIKE I’M GETTING CLOSER
SUKDOTS
OLIVIA: No, that’s still not quite it.
FITZ: OLIVIA YOU LISTEN TO ME
I AM THE GODDAMN PRESIDENT
AND THAT INCLUDES THE CROSSWORD
I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE
I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THIS PHONE CALL
AND IF THE PRESIDENT SAYS IT’S PRONOUNCED SUNDIPS
THEN IT’S PRONOUNCED SNACKDEES
OLIVIA [as if to a child]: Okay, okay. You’re the president of crossword puzzles.
FITZ: AND SOKUDOS
OLIVIA: And…and sokudos.
FITZ: OLIVIA NOW THAT YOU’RE UP DO YOU WANT TO COME OVER
DO YOU WANT TO COME OVER FOR SEX
OLIVIA: I –
FITZ: HAHA OMG WAIT NO HANG ON
JUST KIDDING
I HAVEN’T FINISHED THE SODUKEY YET
***
THE NEXT NIGHT. SAME SCENE.
FITZ [stage whispering]: OLIVIA THAT LADY IS HERE AGAIN
OLIVIA [blearily]: What lady?
FITZ: THE MEAN LADY
THE MEAN LADY WHO LIVES IN MY ROOM
WITH THE MOUTH THAT POINTS AT THE FLOOR
OLIVIA: I don’t know who you’re talking about.
[O/S] MELLIE: Jesus Christ, Fitz.
OLIVIA: Do you mean Mellie?
FITZ: MMMMMMMMM IDK
OLIVIA: Is it your wife?
FITZ: I DON’T LIKE HER
MAKE HER GO AWAY
OLIVIA SHE TOOK MY CROSSWORD PUZZLE
There is the sound of a scuffle, then of breaking glass.
FITZ: MY DRINK
OH NO MY SHIRT CAME OFF
***
FITZ: OLIVIA WAKE UP
OLIVIA: Fitz, you can’t keep doing this. You can’t keep — calling me at four in the morning and taking me out of my own life. I have to be my own person.
FITZ: OLIVIA I NEED YOU
OLIVIA: You have to let me go.
FITZ: OLIVIA I CAN’T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU
OLIVIA: Are you talking about us, or about the puzzle?
FITZ: I DON’T SEE WHY THEY HAVE TO BE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE
OLIVIA: Oh, my God.
FITZ: NO IT’S JUST
OLIVIA GIVE ME A CHANCE
ALL THE ODD-NUMBERED ACROSS CLUES ARE PART OF A SERIES
THEY’RE BASED ON LIKE
IDIOMS
“A SUDDEN WIND, OFTEN”
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
THAT’S SO CRYPTIC
OLIVIA: Fitz, can we forget about the crossword for just –
FITZ: OLIVIA I HAVE TO GO
GILLIGAN’S ISLAND IS COMING ON
IT’S THE ONE WHERE THE PROFESSOR BUILDS A RADIO TOWER OUT OF COCONUTS
I THINK IT’S THE ONE WHERE THEY FINALLY GET OFF THE ISLAND
Tags: crossword puzzles, kerry washington, president fitz is the funniest character in the whole wide world, scandal, television, tony goldwyn, yelling
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I LOST it at:
“FITZ: SUDKOW
OLIVIA: Sudoku.
FITZ: SUDKODS
OLIVIA: Sudoku.
FITZ: I FEEL LIKE I’M GETTING CLOSER
SUKDOTS”
Everything I know about this show I know from The Toast.
Yup, same here!
I mean, I think we can all agree that in the hypothetical presidential fight to the death, Fitz would be the very first to go. Because all the other presidents would kick him to death before starting in on each other.
FUCK Fitz, seriously. NO, LIV, NOT LIKE THAT.
I would pay money to see that fight.
Oooh–fictional president fight to the death! Who would win?
It’s a three-way tie, actually. http://the-toast.net/2014/02/17/never-forget-some…
Sure, for real presidents but I want to see Fitz vs. the president from Independence Day vs. Dave vs. The American President vs. whoever was president in White House Down. Personally my money is on Harrison Ford’s character from Air Force One.
I’m thinking it’d end with Bill Pullman from Independence Day and Harrison Ford from Air Force One and then Harrison Ford would win with a death glare made of sheer ruggedness.
No, President Pullman wins on the power of Ultimate Speechifying. Also I’m pretty sure the fact that his wife is Laura Roslin has to count for something.
I want President Bartlett in there. Pre-debilitating MS because that would just be sad.
I’d be much more interested in a fictional VP fight to the death… Sally Langston vs. Frank Underwood YES PLEASE.
I can’t watch Scandal because President Fitz was the WAIT! THAT’S MY FRIEND, BUT HE’S ALSO THE BAD GUY from the movie Ghost.
Tthe thing about President Fitz is that he’s ALSO the bad guy in Scandal.
If the shoe fits, as they say.
And also also a corrupt judge on The Good Wife!
I HAD TO PRESIDENT ABOUT THE SUDANS
I HAD TO PRESIDENT ABOUT THE SUDANS
I HAD TO PRESIDENT ABOUT THE SUDANS
I just felt like this line needed to be repeated a few more times, because I almost choked trying not to laugh audibly at my desk when I read it. That is all.
That’s where I lost it too. I am a mess right now.
I FEEL LIKE I’M GETTING CLOSER
flops over laughing
OLIVIA YOU LISTEN TO ME
I AM THE GODDAMN PRESIDENT
AND THAT INCLUDES THE CROSSWORD
I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE
I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THIS PHONE CALL
Well that’s BASICALLY just a summation of his characterization anyway, isn’t it? I AM THE PRESIDENT. I HAVE DECLARED MYSELF THE PRESIDENT OF YOUR UNDERPANTS SO DROP ‘EM, I’M THE PRESIDENT.
What really gets me is that I’m pretty convinced the writers think Fitz/Olivia is hot and want us to believe it too. It’s not working. It’s not woooorkiiiiiiiiing give me Mellie or give me death!
GOD HELP ME MORE MELLIE PLEASE.
MELLIE FOREVER
Fitz and Quinn can go off to some Island of Useless Characters. No one will miss them, bye.
I don’t even want to watch the show I just want to read more of this.
FITZ: OLIVIA YOU LISTEN TO ME
I AM THE GODDAMN PRESIDENT
AND THAT INCLUDES THE CROSSWORD
I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE
I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THIS PHONE CALL
AND IF THE PRESIDENT SAYS IT’S PRONOUNCED SUNDIPS
THEN IT’S PRONOUNCED SNACKDEES
my favorite character on scandal is the yelling
also HAHAHAHA i love scandal but with last night’s episode- i rolled with every twist and shocking revelation and then near the end? with fitz in his office? WORKING? i burst out laughing and couldn’t stoppppp
I am just finishing the first season of this show, and I am shocked that this man continues to be president for at least 20+ more episodes seriously you guise this is such a spoiler
OH NO MY SHIRT CAME OFF
/died
I mean, Mellie trying to force her way into a pregnancy wouldn’t surprise me if that’s what’s happening here. (But I love Mellie, I do. She is fierce.)
I mostly just watch the show now for the moments when some yells at Fitz about what a dick he is. SO SATISFYING, except it never makes a dent in his shiny, shiny face.
I’m hoping that Mellie & Liv will murder him themselves by the end of all this. Or somehow take all of his money so he’s left working at a truck stop just outside of Bakersfield*, whisper-shouting “I’M THE PRESIDENT” to all the truck drivers as he sells them energy drinks.
*This is the worst place I can think of for these purposes.
Oh god, I laughed so hard at this I think I might have broken something.
“THE MEAN LADY WHO LIVES IN MY ROOM
WITH THE MOUTH THAT POINTS TO THE FLOOR”
Dead.
I can’t even with Scandal anymore, I roll my eyes at every Fitz/Olivia scene so much that I give myself migraines.
This, though. Perfection.
No, I fucking lost it so hard at
THE MEAN LADY WHO LIVES IN MY ROOM
WITH THE MOUTH THAT POINTS AT THE FLOOR
So hard. I think the people in my office think I’m dying.
So, I haven’t watched Scandal, but is President Fitz just as dopey as President Walker from House of Cards?
If they were locked in the Oval Office together would they be able to find their way out, or would they just scratch their heads periodically and walk into walls?
I’m saying, this is just the impression I get from all of this.
He might actually be worse. I’m not sure he ever understands what is happening, especially w/r/t foreign affairs, and at least Walker sort of seemed to like his wife occasionally. Fitz sees red every time Mellie enters his field of vision.
D:
For a long time I wanted Liv to kill Fitz, but now I think that joy belongs rightfully only to Mellie. MELLIE FOREVER.
I am waiting for Liv to realize that she’s the new Mellie. It’s coming, Liv. It’s coming.
This post is magical, that’s all I got (the Sudoku bit is gonna be hard to top, although who am I kidding; Mallory’s writing is comedy gold every single damn time).
Is it legal to just transcribe the show literally like that?