Cats I Would Like To Own In Art, Even Though They Are Probably Dead Now

by Mallory Ortberg · June 2, 2016

Previously.

cat1

THE GROWLMONGER AND SITBEAST IS WREATHED IN ENFROWNMENTS UPON HIS THRONELET AND I MUST HAVE HIM

 

cat2

WRAITHEYES OF THE COWLFACE! PEER AND PEER AND PEER, SAUCER-GAZER! CLUMP-JUMP LITHELY ONTO MY LINEN SHOULDERS, SIR!

 

cat3

the soft lap comma

 

cat4

the noblest and politest of suggestion-whisper, four-pads! insinuate yourself around me, you hunchment of a friend!

 

cat6

A FUZZLED GHOST PUZZLEMENT THAT IS OF A MINENESS

 

cat7

SAFT ORANGE SQUOGGLE, YOU SILENT HEARTBEAT, I SHALL MANAGE YOU

 

KSL247486 A Young Man with a Cat, 1635 (oil on panel); by Hals, Frans (1582/3-1666) (Follower of); 45.5x43 cm; Gemaeldegalerie Alte Meister, Kassel, Germany; © Museumslandschaft Hessen Kassel; PERMISSION REQUIRED FOR NON EDITORIAL USAGE; MANIPULATION OF THE IMAGE FORBIDDEN; Dutch, in copyright

SQUOTCHLE

 

cat9

HE THROWLS, HE MUST BE ENFOLDED TO MY HAND-CIRCLE

 

cat11

YOU SQUATTED CIRCLE-MAN, SLINK INTO MY HEART OF AN INSTANT

 

cat12

SEATED WHITE GENTLEMAN, I SHALL BE IN POSSESSMENT OF YOUR EMBRACE

[Images via]

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

141 Comments

  1. evieskye +242

    I own the reincarnation of the first cat (growlmonger/sitbeast) and indeed she is frowny and throne-y (she has her own chair and will not sit on laps without a pillow between herself and horrid human legs). She is also that big (17.4 pounds)

      1. srijanisays +45

        Oh my God! That Belly Fluff is made of cloud stuff, what must it feel like to bury one’s face in that?!

    2. LeastBittern +25

      We refer to it as gross human skin and understand that since we can’t have fur, we should use false fluff as often as possible.

    3. bird_internet +80

      Huge fluffy cats are the best! My parents have a gigantic Maine Coon who likes to sprawl on whichever surface will result in the most people paying attention to him. My dad likes to spend all evening sitting in a recliner watching TV, and the cat likes to spend all evening sitting on his lap. Lately when I call my dad’s cell phone my mom will pick it up and say “let me hand it to him. He can’t get up because the cat is on him.” Truly a sitbeast.

      1. goddessoftransitory +81

        We call that “being becatted.” “Honey, can you take the casserole out of the oven? I’m becatted.”

        1. bird_internet +39

          My dad sometimes describes his condition as “cat lap.” As in, “someone get the door, I have cat lap!”

        2. muppetflail +25

          In my home it is “encatted.” It’s great. I seldom have to get up to refill my own water glass, because cat.

    6. susanintoronto +3

      And though she seems to love her scratchpad, she uses it not. I imagine the carpet serves as the real thing.

      1. femaelstrom +9

        My cat eats his scratchpad. We have to replace it every few weeks. He’s kind of….broken.

  2. ughanothername +115

    Kitty 8 is my favorite.

    PUT ME DOWN I AM A MACHINE OF DEATH I DO NOT SNUGGLE.

    1. leslieellenjones +71

      YET ALSO I AM DIRECTLY AT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE AND THE CYNOSURE OF ALL EYES WHICH IS PRECISELY AS IT SHOULD BE. LOOK ON MY TINY PERFECTION AND DESPAIR.

      1. ughanothername +47

        I AM A FEROCIOUS MONSTER YOU SHOULD ALL BE LOOKING UPON ME BUT WITH FEAR, NOT AWWWWWWS.

    2. goddessoftransitory +59

      Whoooo’s a widdle bitsums machine of death? YOU IS! YOU IS! Do Star Feeties!

  3. Emmeline +329

    Very glad to see the triumphant return of Toast heroine Turbanned Lady Eating Whole Watermelon and Living Her Best Life.

    2. aintnothingtoit +23

      Came here to say the same thing (but less eloquently)! She is truly an inspiration to us all.

    3. Jungle_Red +50

      Lady Best Life is our old friend; we have mentioned her with consideration these twenty months at least. (h/t to Mr. Bennet and Mrs. Bennet’s nerves)

    4. bnharrison32 +14

      I desperately want a full print of this painting, and have ever since she was first introduced to us.

    5. mariemakesstuff +8

      This lady is my background on my work computer, to remind me of what I am living for.

  4. v_d_budenmayer +87

    I’ve never needed an animal friend so badly as right now I need the squotchle cat in my life.

  5. ParadoxBox +71

    Cat 2 is in my cat, Erwin’s, favorite position. He will jump up on furniture and meow in a demanding way, using his long-fingered paws to imperiously gesture at me until I come close, at which point I bow my head and he crawls king-like upon my shoulders. I walk him around like that, back paws on my forearm and fore paws over my shoulder, and he purrs and purrs and rubs his face on my face and it is contentment incarnate.
    And then sometimes he’s a dick and bites my ear and I call him an asshole and then we don’t speak for an hour.

  6. tabbylavalamp +23

    I tawt I taw a puddy tat! I did! I did! I did taw a puddy tat, and it’s hiding in a painting waiting to pounce into my arms for a fluffy hug!

    1. viviennestreet +31

      That’s the photo the one woman commissioned of her 40 most favorite cats, right?

    2. MissBadcrumble +26

      Any Gormenghast readers? This is obviously Lady Groan’s room! (I choose to ignore the fact that not all the cats are white)

    4. kitten_mittens +93

      This painting is currently on display at the Portland Art Museum! It is truly as majestic in person as you would hope. Also, it’s titled “My Wife’s Lovers” which gives me so much joy.

    5. headfullofhoney +83

      My Wife’s Lovers, 1891, Carl Kahler

      Fun facts:

      -It cost $5,000 in 1888 to have this painting made, which is more than $120,000 in today’s money.
      -I say 1888 because it took three years for Kahler to complete, reportedly because he spent most of the time studying and sketching each cat to get a feel for their personality.
      -It was painted for Kate Johnson, the title was her husband’s idea though, proving him the most patient and good-humored husband in the history of crazy cat ladies.
      -Speaking of cat ladies, the picture actually contains 42 cats. Or more specifically, Mrs. Johnson’s 42 most favorite cats. She had 350 in total.
      -It sold at auction via Sotheby’s a few days ago for over $800,000 dollars, vastly more than its $200,000-$300,000 estimate.
      -The buyer is a private collector in California.
      -Probably someone who really, really likes cats.
      -I mean, really likes cats.

      (IMPORTANT copy/paste from tumblr!!!!)

    7. malsperanza +8

      Grey crowchler second from left at top is not having a good day. Also, that butterfly is toast.

  8. mmmcccfff +169

    HE THROWLS, HE MUST BE ENFOLDED TO MY HAND-CIRCLE

    –that’s going into my wedding vows

  9. catweazlol +41

    I like to think of animals in media as today’s memento mori. Comet from Full House? Dead. Every iteration of Air Bud? Dead (probably, I didn’t check them all). Beethoven? Dead.

    2. mydonkeyfeet +58

      LIAR! I saw on Snopes that none of them are dead or will ever die, same with these cats in paintings.

    2. knitting_pun +16

      Now all I wanna do is go home, eat a corn chip, and pet my softcat. Alas, 2 more hours at work.

    3. palewisconsinite +36

      “Here is plan. When yu brain do these things, yu do not have to try to comfort yuself or say “it is ok” or “will be ok.” yu say 2 yuself only: “this my brain. this what brain is doing.” then, eats a corn chip, or watch a Natflax movies. Clean yu bathtub. Hate everything. ONLY TIME WILL BRINGS HEALIN AND THAT IS NOT PARSONAL FAILURE BY YU. For tempotatry cure I advise find softcat and pet.”

      I’m fairly sure this is the meaning of life right here

    4. sednarea51 +38

      oh my goodness, I am so here for Doctor Elly Cat.
      http://sashayed.tumblr.com/post/138250321065/hell…

      “Yu have been a brave hairless giant today, just by bein alive, with yu giant angry brain that talk and have feelings ALL THE TIME. For a therapy, u can lie down on offis flor and I will sit next 2 ur ribs and vibrate gentlys. Im very warms and softs and I am proud of u.” yes this is what i desire

      1. FeuerroteZora +2

        Was just coming here to post exactly that quote. We are brave hairless giants together!

  13. Siana720 +43

    CREEPY MAN ALERT IN THE LAST ONE. RUN AWAY, MARSHMALLOW CAT AND FASHIONABLE LADY!!

    1. goddessoftransitory +11

      I’m more concerned with the GHOST that is sitting front and center in the mirrorball!

  14. ppyajunebug +102

    guys i really need richard armitage to do an audiobook where he reads these captions out loud

      1. ThatWenchCantLogin +14

        Yes yes yes would pay ridiculous fee for audio device that plays this when in museum.

    2. srijanisays +40

      The cover should have Armitage wearing a colonial gentlemen’s nightgown and cradling a huge fluff-bellied squotchle

  16. j_bird +11

    OT, but is the maiden to the left of the throwling kitten okay? She looks like her bonnet-ribbon might be tied too tight.

  17. silverandsnow +25

    I like how the cat in the third picture could easily be mistaken for one of the hats in the shop.

    1. cleoreads +15

      I was going to say the same thing.

      When my nephew was learning to talk, he confused hat and cat and spent one visit toddling after our cat saying “Hat! Hat!” It was adorable.

    2. malsperanza +7

      Not to mention the small kitten one of the ladies has on the top of her head.

      1. walrathem +4

        I want to go back in time and free her from whatever evil person told her that was a good hairstyle for her.

  18. VioletandIrises +11

    What is going on with lady #1’s hair? She’s wearing what appears to be a pink hair diaper, and also her hair is both wavy and ginger and curly and dark brown. How? Why?

    1. walrathem +8

      And what’s great is I also want to know what is going on with her hair, but partly because I want to do it to my hair.

  21. alula_auburn +75

    Every single one of these cats is too damn witches.

    You just know Growlmonger terrorizes that dog.

    Also squotchle is the best and most necessary cat-related word.

    “YOU SQUATTED CIRCLE-MAN, SLINK INTO MY HEART OF AN INSTANT”

    tempted to replace my profile on all dating sites with this.

    eta:

    EYES

  22. aintnothingtoit +29

    I SHALL MANAGE YOU would probably be controlling and unacceptable to say to another human, but it is somehow lovely and tender in kitty context.

  23. MissBadcrumble +44

    Ooooh, I feel a sudden nostagia remembering the tiny tiny cat that Mallory found in her backyard! He was smaller than the tin of cat food! SO SMALL! <3

    Also: is Growlmonger Sitbeast wearing an invisible headband?

    Also also: some of these here words may be inspired by the guess-french slang of Victor Hugo, yes?

      1. MissBadcrumble +20

        THANK YOU!!
        Oooh my heart exploded! His nose looks absolutely the same as a year ago: http://the-toast.net/2015/05/20/i-cotched-myself-…
        and it’s the best cat nose ever! *All the hearts*

        Jeeves! Little butler cat.
        And there are pictures all the way back to may 2015, when he had just been cotched, I’m smiling like stupid now!

        You’ve absolutely made my day! (Or night, rather, it’s Scandinavia where I am.)

        Now I’m all out of exclamation marks. *Happy face*

        1. alliana07 +18

          I knooooow, his nose and his lil pink paw beans are EXACTLY THE SAME, every time I see him I’m like COTCHED KITTY, haha. I’ve been following him there since Mallory cotched him and he was adopted! he got so big.

          1. MissBadcrumble +16

            He plays with cherries!
            There’s a clip of him as a baby, meowing by the window curtain and you can only barely hear the meow! *heart exploded again*

            He has so much personality.
            I will spend the next week going through all of Jeeves’ pictures, what a treasure!

      2. PettyVengeanceFetish +8

        My desert heart is cured. His little faaaaaaaace and those toe beans!

    1. sneepsnake +4

      I’m more worried about her lace, TBH. That cat is about 2 seconds away from shredding it all to hell.

  26. Jungle_Red +19

    I hope we get some good Deleted Comments on these probably-dead cats. Wraithface and cowleyes?! Ortberg, a wordsmithing legend.

    2. Born_Secular +20

      We have a tradition of taking a “family” picture with our two cats at Christmas. A couple years ago we did it with a timer on our camera. The cats could hear the countdown ticks from across the room and were staring straight into the camera when it flashed and took the picture. We had laser eye cats that year. We also got retouched prints that didn’t have laser eyes, but to my surprise and delight, most of our family members wanted the ones with laser eyes.

      1. caatness +3

        Um, I also want the one with laser eyes. I feel The Toast in general would, and it should be posted here. Immediately. (That was a hint.)

        <3

    1. dreamingintrees +5

      Is Skif named after Skif from Valdemar??
      If so, I totally see the resemblance. If not, I believe there is a resemblance!

      1. nadiagraham +8

        Yes, he is! My roommate suggested the name (we’ve both read the books and Skif is our favourite). It fits him so well in personality, too. Trust issues but affectionate once he knows you and he is such a little escape artist.

        He’s glaring at me in the photo because I had just dosed him with medication and he went to sulk in the cutlery box.

  33. Mal +29

    Why the hell is it so hard to paint a cat?

    None of these looks anything like a cat (except maybe #8). Something happened to their molecules during transport from their dream dimension.

    But then, what does a cat look like, actually? Some kind of spineless lump of fuzzbutt and foof, with needles.

    1. terb +52

      A cat looks exactly like cuddles and murder at the same time, and that is why you cannot paint them.

  35. terb +20

    I LEFT MY STUPID FLOOFBOTTOM AND MY GINGER MURDERESS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD AND I PINE FOR THEM

  37. meaghancloherty +12

    Okay not exaggerating, there was actually some really touching poetry in there.

  38. annainpdx +21

    You guys, as I was reading this thread my youngest cat Apollo TURNED OFF THE INTERNET. Really. He managed to sit on the power cord switch that the router is plugged into. It went dead just as I was trying to navigate to the Jeeves post.

    1. FeuerroteZora +5

      WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT PICTURES OF FLUFFBEASTS WHEN YOU COULD SQUATCHCODDLE YOUR VERY OWN SQUOGGLE?

      I know this is what Apollo was thinking because mine are thinking EXACTLY the same thing, and eyeing the power cords already.

  39. Cat from MA +4

    The lamp-eyed cat-creature in painting #2 appears to enjoy swinging from her human’s left ear. That thing is stretched to double normal length.

  40. cs_key +8

    I have a cat calendar at work because an aquaintance of mine is a painter and makes one every year, so for me, every (work)day is look-a-cat-I’d-like-to-own day. Sadly, I own none at all.

    From this set, I would like the soft lap comma because that cat looks WONDERFULLY FLUFFY AND SNUGGLY.

  41. surferemoji +48

    My local shelter does a thing where you can offer to host a cat while she raises her kittens. You pay for the food and a chill space for cats to hang out. The shelter pays for the vet, spaying/neutering, inoculations and finds homes for the cats.

    I had been living with my brother. His girlfriend moved in. They wanted to do this ethical kitten leasing thing and I did not hate that but I wasn’t really a part of it. And I didn’t really want to get attached to them. Even some cats were kept, I wouldn’t be doing the keeping.

    This was in 2014 and around the height of the warmest summer we’ve had here in living memory. The cat comes around and she is pregnant as all hell. She is the most pitful creature. She waddles through our apartment disdainful of how her body has her move now and of her new, unpromising accommodations.

    Probably she used to have a home at some point because she is not skittish at all and she is a very large, strong adult. I dont think she can ever have been malnourished and she probably hasn’t lost many fights either way.

    She is standard cat graceful. Which … I think always gives strays the air of royalty in exile or nobility fallen on hard times. Like “Yes, yes, we were driven from our ancestral holdings but let’s not be gauche about it” or “Ah, What is this? Some sort of provincial treat? How delightful!”

    Also she is a stunning grey like the marrow of an expensive Italian pencil, the kind someone might sharpen with a pen knife.

    And she is reduced to flopping around in the shade or sprawling on the back of our livingroom couch by the screen window. It is the highest she can still climb.

    She was super cute you guys. We named her Marx.

    I figured I could wet at towel so it was just a little damp and cool and pet her with it. Something to make her more comfortable in the heat. Maybe she bonds with me over this a little.

    She sleeps in my bed some nights. Maybe a week into her stay with us I get home from a party in the wee hours. I am drifting to sleep with her next to me on the pillow and I have a semi-lucid dolly zoom moment. She is in labour.

    Her nest is in my brother’s room. I wake them up. We move her. I ramble drunkenly everything I have googled about cats giving birth. You have to count the placentas. Feel her belly. Make sure everyone gets out. Rub her belly to restart labour. They already know but I don’t have any chill and I am drunk. I promptly pass out.

    The birth is difficult. They have to restart labour after the first two kittens are out. There are four all in all. The last is stillborn and the second to last just barely makes it.

    We name them after Jupiter’s moons and in order of arrival they are Metis, Io, and Carpo. We ought to have named the last Amalthea. But it is not like cats care about names.
    There is a shoebox for her/him. The vet who comes to check in and weigh the kittens in the morning brings the box with her when she leaves.

    The kittens grow up. Metis is the same color as his mother. He runs up and down the long corridor between the hallway and the kitchen, up and down as soon as he can run. He runs first. He climbs around in our cheap drapes. He climbs first. I watch as his body changes from use. He grows strong, he is the same color as his mother, and he will be big and strong like her.

    Io is the only girl. She has fur like an explosion. She looks like one of the coal spirits in spirited away. Here she was in my window.

    ''

    Carpo is pitch black. He is curious and skinny and affectionate. He would crinkle his tail up like a question mark and just almost vibrate with with intense puzzlement or desire. We thought it might be palsy but he had motor skills to keep up with Metis.

    Her he is on my face.
    ''

    They all grew up. Marx and Io were taken in together. Some family gave them new names they’d listen to as little as any cat ever does.

    We had switched rooms after the kittens were born. Their nest had been in the bottom drawer of a closet and it was in my room after the switch.
    When Io and Marx had gone, Metis and Carpo came into my room. They scratched at the closet. They wanted to see if their sister and mother were in the old nest.

    It was heartbreaking. Those dlittle idiots.

    Soon Metis and Carpo found a home too, and then all the cats were gone.

    They were born, grew up and changed so quickly. It took almost no time. It was only a few months from start to finish.

    1. Scotch_n_Stata +10

      I love this story! Such beautiful prose! And cat pictures! I can ask for no more in life.

    1. caatness +3

      This is hanging in my kitchen near where my only born taunts her cat siblings with food and occasionally showers them with cheerios or soup.

  46. Miss Catherine

    Um, I also want the one with laser eyes. I feel The Toast in general would, and it should be posted here. Immediately. (That was a hint.)

    <3

  47. Miss Catherine

    This is hanging in my kitchen near where my only born taunts her cat siblings with food and occasionally showers them with cheerios or soup.