Bible Verses Where “The Messiah” Has Been Replaced With “King Shit of Fuck Mountain” -The Toast

Bible Verses Where “The Messiah” Has Been Replaced With “King Shit of Fuck Mountain”

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on June 20, 2016 in Bible Verses

Matthew 1:1

“An account of the genealogy of Jesus, King Shit of Fuck Mountain, the son of David, the son of Abraham.”

Matthew 2:3-4

“When King Herod heard this, he was frightened, and all Jerusalem with him; and calling together all the chief priests and scribes of the people, he inquired of them where the King Shit of Fuck Mountain was to be born.”

Matthew 16:15-17

“He said to them, ‘But who do you say that I am?’ Simon Peter answered, ‘You are the King Shit of Fuck Mountain, the Son of the living God.’ And Jesus answered him, ‘Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father in heaven.'”

Matthew 16:20

Then he sternly ordered the disciples not to tell anyone that he was King Shit of Fuck Mountain.

Matthew 24:4-6

“Jesus answered them, ‘Beware that no one leads you astray. For many will come in my name, saying, “I am King Shit of Fuck Mountain!” and they will lead many astray. And you will hear of wars and rumors of wars; see that you are not alarmed; for this must take place, but the end is not yet.'”

Luke 3:15

“As the people were filled with expectation, and all were questioning in their hearts concerning John, whether he might be King Shit of Fuck Mountain.”

Luke 22:66-68

“When day came, the assembly of the elders of the people, both chief priests and scribes, gathered together, and they brought him to their council. They said, ‘If you are King Shit of Fuck Mountain, tell us.’ He replied, ;If I tell you, you will not believe; and if I question you, you will not answer.'”

John 11:27

“She said to him, ‘Yes, Lord, I believe that you are King Shit of Fuck Mountain, the Son of God, the one coming into the world.'”

Acts 17:2-4

“And Paul went in, as was his custom, and on three sabbath days argued with them from the scriptures, explaining and proving that it was necessary for King Shit of Fuck Mountain to suffer and to rise from the dead, and saying, ‘This is the King Shit of Fuck Mountain Jesus whom I am proclaiming to you.’ Some of them were persuaded and joined Paul and Silas, as did a great many of the devout Greeks and not a few of the leading women.”

Revelation 12:10

“Then I heard a loud voice in heaven, proclaiming, ‘Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of his King Shit of Fuck Mountain, for the accuser of our comrades has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God.'”

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (53)

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+68 Vote up Vote down

MopRocks 118p · 458 weeks ago

OH MY GOD King Shit of Fuck Mountain

3 replies · active 458 weeks ago

+132 Vote up Vote down

Bunburying 115p · 458 weeks ago

Just decided to go all-out baiting the Deleted Commenters, eh, Mallory? I cannot say I disapprove.

2 replies · active 458 weeks ago

+17 Vote up Vote down

OoTheHumanities 121p · 458 weeks ago

BEST YET (best ever? will this be the last?)

+21 Vote up Vote down

TheasyPeasy 129p · 458 weeks ago

*HEART EYES EMOJIS FOR DAYS*

It's a very serious day in my office and me trying to suppress giggles is truly a struggle.

+46 Vote up Vote down

30Litresof 132p · 458 weeks ago

Well I for one can't wait for the deleted comments.

2 replies · active 458 weeks ago

+131 Vote up Vote down

perianwen 105p · 458 weeks ago

He is not the King Shit of Fuck Mountain, he is a very naughty boy.

(could not resist, sry)

2 replies · active 458 weeks ago

+109 Vote up Vote down

geekcrackteam 118p · 458 weeks ago

Is this what it looks like when Mallory stops giving a fuck? CAUSE I AM HERE FOR IT.

2 replies · active 458 weeks ago

+26 Vote up Vote down

HotDogKnight · 458 weeks ago

Weird Mallory=Best Mallory

+28 Vote up Vote down

muttershanks 102p · 458 weeks ago

I've been MIA and I just found out about the closing and I AM DEVASTATED and I so I just joined the subreddit even tho I have SERIOUS DRAMA with reddit and just I feel so lost now???

1 reply · active 458 weeks ago

+21 Vote up Vote down

ppyajunebug 137p · 458 weeks ago

You know, if this had been the translation of the Gospel of Matthew my students had read, maybe they would have enjoyed writing their essays about it more.

+53 Vote up Vote down

sednarea51 128p · 458 weeks ago

I cannot tell you how this warms my cold and terrible heart. (Would Jesus Christ have called himself King Shit of Fuck Mountain? I argue that as a human being, he absolutely would have. At least once, probably while drunk with some of his favorite disciples.)

4 replies · active 458 weeks ago

+18 Vote up Vote down

onefinemess 79p · 458 weeks ago

I love that this will be searchable. For all time.(?)

+4 Vote up Vote down

Julia Lambert · 458 weeks ago

MALLORY. I am DYING.

+52 Vote up Vote down

iiiiimnotsorryy 127p · 458 weeks ago

waiting for the deleted comments like
Dr. Frankenfurter from Rocky Horror saying 'restless with antici- ... -pation'

Dr. Frankenfurter from Rocky Horror saying 'restless with antici- ... -pation'

+10 Vote up Vote down

ctrlaltdelight 102p · 458 weeks ago

MALLORY

+16 Vote up Vote down

macabre_salad 98p · 458 weeks ago

THIS IS A MR. SHOW REFERENCE, NO??? Because the Rev. Winton Dupree was very formative in my general upbringing. "What is up Satan's ass?"

3 replies · active 458 weeks ago

+35 Vote up Vote down

mattintoledo 131p · 458 weeks ago

Ah, this reminds me of the mythical line from Ten Commandments:

Where's your King Shit of Fuck Mountain now, Moses?

+10 Vote up Vote down

Zelenka · 458 weeks ago

Going out with a bang, I see.

+37 Vote up Vote down

walrathem 106p · 458 weeks ago

Do we still use the term "flame bait"? Because that phrase was the first thing to come into my head after reading that headline.

Oh my goodness, does this mean that Nicole will write her own flame bait masterpiece before she goes? It would be nigh impossible to better "Books That Literally All White Men Own" but I would love to see her try.

3 replies · active 458 weeks ago

+6 Vote up Vote down

LackStratagem 118p · 458 weeks ago

This makes it seem like the New Testament occurred in the video for WuTang Clan's Gravel Pit. https://youtu.be/Of-lpfsBR8U?t=20s

+4 Vote up Vote down

danelleorange 119p · 458 weeks ago

This is my kind of translation.

+19 Vote up Vote down

evieskye 118p · 458 weeks ago

Read the title of this and literally spit coffee on to my keyboard. It is upside-down drying while I use a backup. Christ on a cracker

+10 Vote up Vote down

shellygrrl 98p · 458 weeks ago

So your next book will be the Ortbergian Bible, y/y?

+8 Vote up Vote down

justnerming 127p · 458 weeks ago

I'm so excited for the deleted comments.

+4 Vote up Vote down

aquamarinaveen 115p · 458 weeks ago

this reads extra great when i have my jailbreak the matriarchy browser extension toggled on

+11 Vote up Vote down

dahveednotdavid 81p · 458 weeks ago

I'm meeting with a bishop next week about my future, and I'm not going to tell him that I snorted tea out of my nose reading this. He would.....probably not be pleased.

1 reply · active 458 weeks ago

+4 Vote up Vote down

Givemebackmehat 104p · 458 weeks ago

For some reason this reminds me of that George Carlin bit where he ends with "I am fuck! fuck of the mountains!" Genuine thanks to you, The Toast and my brain, for the reminder.

+8 Vote up Vote down

Scott · 458 weeks ago

Handel's King Shit of Fuck Mountain.

+2 Vote up Vote down

cgrimann 108p · 457 weeks ago

I went to Catholic school for thirteen years. Catholic guilt tells me that I am going to burn in Hell for laughing so hard at this.
#NORAGRATS

1 reply · active 435 weeks ago

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