What are spiders even for? Has anybody ever proved they fulfil a useful ecological niche? I ask this while covered in dozens of mosquito bites, and surrounded by the buzzing of flies, before you break in with that guff about them keeping insects under control.

1. The barista, bar or wait staff you swap smiles and greetings with who reduces you to a bumbling, blushing mess on a near-daily basis. She knows.

2. The one you make out with intensely at drunken parties about twice a year but never follow up fast enough to make something more of it.

3. The one you see in the gym maybe two out of five visits, running endlessly on the treadmill…