1. The barista, bar or wait staff you swap smiles and greetings with who reduces you to a bumbling, blushing mess on a near-daily basis. She knows.
2. The one you make out with intensely at drunken parties about twice a year but never follow up fast enough to make something more of it.
3. The one you see in the gym maybe two out of five visits, running endlessly on the treadmill in front of yours, and you imagine she’s sweating because she can hear your furiously beamed psychic assessment of her perfect shoulder blades.
4. The gym front desk staff member who has always known your name and gets hormone pimples on the same days as you. I know, right? I’m not sure I’m ready for this level of commitment.
5. The one you left your actual girlfriend for, only to realise out she wasn’t your girlfriend.
6. The straight girl whom you never dared contemplate sexually but whom you worshipped and served for months to years in a lopsided BFF dependency.
7. The straight girl whom you never dared contemplate sexually but whom you worshipped and served for months to years in a lopsided BFF dependency, only you lived in the same house with no other roommates and sometimes even slept in the same bed. (Note: remember to include in “catalogue of imaginary wives” list.)
8. The straight girl whom you never dared contemplate sexually but whom you worshipped and served for months to years in a lopsided BFF dependency – who married a man, and you smiled all through the wedding then got outrageously drunk and insisted on peeing in a bush on the way home.
9. The straight (?) girl whom you never dared contemplate sexually but whom you worshipped and served for months to years in a lopsided BFF dependency – who never married anybody, and you sometimes wonder if she’s waiting for you.
10. The one you took on a couple of non-romantic outings, then drunkenly made out with, and the next day she turned up at your house with an overnight bag, cheerfully prepared to talk about international holidays together. This one’s not in your imagination, unfortunately.
11. The one who seemed so solid, dependable and eternal but evaporated overnight after a series of ghastly mistakes (yours.)
12. The ghost of girlfriend past (crying.)
13. The ghost of girlfriend present (long-distance relationship.)
14. The ghost of girlfriend present, variant the first (emotionally long-distance relationship.)
15. The ghost of girlfriend present, variant the second (affair.)
16. The ghost of girlfriend future (masturbation.)
17. The one you were thoroughly infatuated with all through high school and still have to pretend nonchalance over whenever her name crops up in conversation.
18. The neighbour from an apartment in the same building whom you see only really rarely, but whenever you do it’s inevitably as you receive yet another volley in the passive-aggressive note war every resident has with The Guy In Number Four, and the two of you share a conspiratorial eyeroll. Later, you imagine picking out baby names together.
19. Celebrities. (Darling, no; don’t try to tell me you don’t talk to Kristen Bell in your head every day. It’s okay. Please don’t ask me about Kristen Stewart or Kirsten Dunst. Any woman starting with K, really. Let’s just quietly file this one and move on.)
20. The one who takes your order at the local Thai delivery joint and never judges you for ordering two desserts; in fact, she’s been known to throw them in for free if you don’t order them, and draws smiley faces on the lids. Enabler.
21. The one who put your heart through a mortar and pestle-style crushing and whom you really don’t want to be involved with, but who just can’t seem to stop calling, texting, emailing or accosting you at unavoidable mutual social engagements.
22. The same one as above, but you keep getting drunk and being the first to make contact.
23. The same one as above, but you’re on the other side. Oh, wow. Stop that.
24. The one you thought you were dating but it turns out it was just, like, this super-casual thing and she would never have done it if she knew you had so many feelings.
25. The one that was very definitely a super-casual thing but then she made breakfast and now everybody’s super-confused so you never called back.
26. Your therapist. She can’t shout back, it’s kind of amazing.
27. The one that’s actually an inanimate object or abstract concept that you used to be “in a relationship with” on Facebook, until they stopped letting you do that. You found Oreos Crushed In Ice Cream to be a pretty supportive partner.
28. The one you know is out there for you, somewhere, and is actually just yourself but maybe with slightly less rad hair so you don’t end up even more insecure.
Tags: brenna hillier, crushes, how many times will we use this pic of kristen stewart at coachella THAT’S FOR US TO KNOW AND YOU TO FIND OUT, lgbt, relationships, that’s how they spell catalog in australia deal with it
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>.< _dammit_.
Ooh, I’m rooting for narrator/#9.
I’m rooting for #27.
Facebook can’t stop your love!
narrator/#25!
I really like breakfast.
Feel free to express your ship in slash fiction. Appropriate descriptors for me include “astoundingly handsome” and “rippling physique”.
29. Aeryn Sun
^.^
Areyn Sun: the reason I rewatched all of Farscape.
YES.
I propose a new toast policy in which we get at least one (1) article weekly with this picture
the imaginary girlfriend series
kristen stewart infiltrating everything
KStew pics on all Toast posts, please and thank you
Good gods, I thought that was Shane from the L Word at first glance. That same No. 19 grin.
Have you guys been taping my LIFE?
Just started watching Orphan Black (no spoilers, please!), so my new #19 is Tatiana Maslany, specifically as Cosima. White girl dreads don’t usually do it for me, but I’ll make an exception.
Tatiana Maslany is SO GOOD in Orphan Black! And Cosima and Sarah are definitely #19 candidates, while Alison and Beth just.. aren’t.
Attraction: based on so much more than just looks!
– The really hot girl with black curly hair that you are CERTAIN is into you, like, CERTAIN because she looks at you and SMILES every time you pass her in the street, but you don’t even know her name, and every time you see her you are with your husband, and it’s a little awkward to run up to her and yell ‘no i’m bi and also non-monogamous take me’
The friend who you sleep with and care about but know would drive you crazy in a relationship, but who keeps declaring her love in your daydreams, even though if she did so in real life you would probably freak out and run away.
terrible in its accuracy and accurate in its terriblcy
#2 and #22 are horrifically, painstakingly accurate to my life. shit.
After the first one I was kind of expecting all of them to end with “She knows,” but maybe it was implied.
Oh my gosh I hope they don’t all know
they do. they do all know.
I’m just gonna lie down on my office floor for a while. Yup.
Cobie Smulders, tho
And Taran Killam. I hope a universe exists where I get to make out with both of them on a couch at some point.
yeah i can’t figure out which one i am more into (i mean, it’s her, but like have you seen the “call your girlfriend” video???)
More like Cobie SMOLDERS amirite?
Really wish HIMYM had ended with Robin marrying ME instead of, you know, how it ended.
IS THAT KRISTEN STEWART IN THE TOP PICTURE, HOLY SHIT
Jesus fuck, I’m pretty straight but that picture is ~doing things~ to me
So this post just came up on my Tumblr dash.
All girls. All of them. 🙁
The girl who used to ride the same commuter train that you did, and once found and rescued your transit pass when you dropped it.
Also the girl you passed on the street yesterday who caught your eye and smiled, just a little.
Fuck, everyone always gets excited about breakfast, I should never make breakfast.
Always make breakfast, b/c breakfast is awesome. Just save second breakfast for the ones you’re serious about.
Second breakfast and tumblrs about breakfast, save for the serious ones, check. This is how I learn what an asshole I’ve been.
Fuck, everyone always gets excited about breakfast, I should never make breakfast.
The straight girl you carpooled with (just the two of you) three times a week for two years.
Second breakfast and tumblrs about breakfast, save for the serious ones, check. This is how I learn what an asshole I've been.
The girl you never get bored talking to. Somehow, you never get to telling her that you think that both of you might have potential despite the fact that you text back and forth almost every day.
Also, the natural evolution of #1:
STILL TRUE ALMOST A YEAR LATER, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.
The girl who viewed the apartment you are subletting and you will probably never know if she got it because your landlord is handling all the paperwork, and you will probs never see her again.
HAHAHA FUCK YOU #6-9 FOR MAKING MY HIGH SCHOOL YEARS A WRECK
AND ALSO FOR MAKING ME SNORT-LAUGH AT THE FACT I JUST HAD TO EDIT THAT TO NOT SAY #69