The Ron Weasley Diaries

by Mallory Ortberg · February 5, 2014

ronAfter last week’s startling announcement about Ron and Hermione’s relationship, J.K. Rowling surprised the world again today by releasing, in full, “The Ron Weasley Diaries,” which narrate the Harry Potter series through the eyes of his best friend. The Toast has been authorized to excerpt these diaries in part below.

Dear Diary,

My name is Ron Weasley and I have one friend. I think friends are better than brothers. I don’t think brothers are very good at all. I am eleven years old and I have never had guacomole even though I would like to. Today we are starting school and I still don’t know what math is.

 

Dear Diary,

Sometimes it’s hard to believe that all animals aren’t just old men in disguise. Mom got a cat over the holidays and she won’t understand why I won’t let it in the bedroom. I’m sure it’s just a cat. I’m mostly sure it’s just a cat.

 

Dear Diary,

Why do you think there’s a wizard train but no wizard planes? I asked Mom but she just yelled something about a witch named Margaret Thatcher who murdered all the unionists and then started crying into her apron.

I should like to fly on a wizard plane.

 

Dear Diary,

Today I learned that England has a queen. Her name is lizzie (Sp?) and she makes dogs. Still no one will tell me what math is.

P.S. Now I have two friends 😉

 

Dear Diary,

Today I met a girl from France. Guess what? They don’t speak any English there, mostly just French all the time. Can you believe it. Well believe it, because it’s true, unless they were lying. I wonder if they think in French too. That seems awfully difficult, but maybe it’s easier to think in French if you’ve had a lot of practice.

I think I’d like to have sex someday.

 

Dear Diary,

I have finally tried gaucamole!!! It wasn’t very good though. Mostly it is a green mash that you dip tortillas in. It was very cold and it went all brown after a few minutes.

I don’t think I like guacamale.

 

Dear Diary,

Today we take to the woods, Harry and Hermione and I. We can’t tell anyone. I don’t know if we’re going to come back. So many people want us dead.

I don’t want to die. I’ve never even seen a movie. Seventeen years old and I’ve never seen a movie and I still don’t know what math is. Hermione says it’s called maths, but that doesn’t explain much. I don’t even know how many maths there are. Well diary, if I don’t die I will write back as soon as I find out what maths are.

Ron Weasley never wrote in this journal again. 


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99 Comments

  1. miprisci +140

    Childish ramblings are exactly the kind of hypertextual red herrings a time-traveling Dumbledore would leave behind to throw us off the truth’s fetid scent.

    It’s plain as day for eyes that would see!

    1. rkfire +64

      But is it any coincidence that “witch, Margaret Thatcher” is an anagram for “the one Grindelwald” AND ” truest Hermione”???

      1. lucywoodhull +19

        But what does it mean that “Ron” is an anagram for “goofy jokes dispensed by Hermione’s true love AND I WON’T HEAR IT ANY OTHER WAY!”? Also, “bumblesnout,” which I read is some sort of time machine lugnut. WAKE UP SHEEPLE.

  2. fireblargg +26

    Maths are the things Muggles do instead of magic. No wonder Ron doesn’t know about them!

      1. rkfire +33

        Man, this list could go on forever. “Think what Ron would do if he found out about…”
        -DNA
        -smart phones
        -the internet

      2. laurensherm +10

        Remember how Arthur Weasley would just lose his shit over “eckletricity” all the time?

  3. dakimel +60

    Ron got to try guacamole,
    But was sad because it was bad.
    Do you think he tried sex, or maths?
    Had one, or had both? He’d be glad!

    (Something something died in The War
    After many undergrad years,
    Blah blah blah defeat and the need
    To fill this whole urn up with tears.)

  9. aravisthequeen +45

    I’d like to fly on a wizard plane too. It can’t possibly be worse than flying Delta.

    1. lucywoodhull +17

      Delta’s seats feel like rocks. Wizard Plane seats would doubtless be fluffy pandas who are soft to sit on and also will play Wizard Cards with you to pass the time.

    2. LeastBittern +3

      You get turned into a goose. The flights go only north or south in spring and fall, respectively. Transformation into goosehood occurs the first full moon after you book your flight. Lettuces are complimentary.

  10. EPWordsnatcher +35

    I just spent way too long considering the logistics of group wizard travel.

    (Cars: yes. Trains: yes. Planes: no, but the cars can fly. Other things that can fly: carpets. Brooms. Voldemort. Why can’t the trains fly? Other modes of transport: Floo network (inherently flawed, asthma), Portkeys (fine unless cursed, can do groups), apparition (obviously the best, can you bring others along with you though?), walking, dragons. Dragons can fly! Wizard planes.)

    1. MalloryOrtberg +22

      Also: where does that train go, besides Hogwarts? Is anyone driving the train, or is it magically propelled?

      3. aravisthequeen +38

        And what does the plump witch with the snack cart do when the train is not running? I hope she has another job and doesn’t rely on this 4x yearly income or whatever.

          1. cella13 +9

            It’s why the students eat so much at the Welcoming Feast, they haven’t eaten since breakfast!

    2. dakimel +16

      Dumbledore can apparate w a companion; probably others can, too? (He took Harry to the cave to get a Horcrux that way.)

      (I mean Ronbledore, obv.)

    4. two_ogres +9

      it was really just the one car, right? i thought it was mr. weasley’s secret project that he wasn’t supposed to be doing.

      1. EPWordsnatcher +21

        I think it was stated that flying cars are not the norm and are frowned upon, but Arthur Weasley couldn’t have been the only Wizard Dad puttering around in the garage.

          1. EPWordsnatcher +66

            “The Last Robe You’ll Ever Have To Buy!”
            “Don’t Throw That Out, It Can Be Brought Back: Seven Food Spells That’ll Have You Eating Lunch In No Time”
            “Muggle Fashion For Beginners: Blend In Easily!”
            “Twelve Things To Do With A VCR”
            “In This Issue: Win A Trip To A Muggle Hardware Store!”

          2. unshored +33

            “Too Many Enchanted Clocks, Or Not Enough?”
            “Quidditch Greats And Their Patronuses”
            “10 Easy Spells To Break In Your Duck Boots”
            “So What Is ‘Shop Class’ Anyway? EXCLUSIVE: Muggle Teacher Tells All”

      2. wrappedupinbooks +9

        right you’re not allowed to do magic on stuff muggles use. Which seems sort of tenuous, when one considers flying broomsticks.

        1. two_ogres +23

          maybe there’s a categorical distinction between specific things that muggles use/might use/have used, and CLASSES of things that muggles use. like, muggles do use broomsticks, but most (all?) of the broomsticks used to fly in the books seem to be broomsticks that have been crafted for the specific purpose of being enchanted for flight. you don’t see wizards flying around on my cheapy ikea plastic broom, and you don’t see me sweeping my floors with any nimbus 2000s.

          1. EPWordsnatcher +9

            Maybe it’s meant to guard against magicking things that Muggles might accidentally use at some point in the magick’d object’s lifetime and end up cursed/on fire/flying? Average Muggle probably won’t try and sweep with a Nimbus 2000 (stirrups!) but they might hop into Arthur Weasley’s Ford Anglia and try and take it for a drive. Basically the ordinance is there to protect Muggles?

          2. wrappedupinbooks +27

            I disavow the presence of the stirrups on broomsticks, as a person who considers the movies to be live-action fanfics.

          3. two_ogres +27

            yes. though it would be hard to watch a movie where they didn’t have stirrups; the physics of it are discomforting. i’ve always imagined that maybe the wizard/broom flying capability is more a symbiosis than an instrumental use; sort of like the avatar monster things. like, brooms can move on their own, but surely they move better when a human is on them, and maybe the ability to ride a broom is a kind of learned magical capacity wherein part of the flying actually inheres in the person rather than the broom? the human body is actually doing some of the flying, the broom is just a construct that eases the conceptualization of said flying? then you wouldn’t have to worry about the potentially disastrous groin/broom pressure.

          5. osutein +9

            Not at all! I write witch fiction and this was actually really helpful in thinking about broom-flying physics.

          6. two_ogres +4

            no yeah, i get that, just trying to figure out how you would legislate it – and intent of production might be one way.

          8. two_ogres +10

            well, i guess infrastructure would be one key; you could mandate that wizard production centers and muggle production centers must be separate (not super efficient, but plausible, given the evident divide between wizard and human culture; and it might be safer in any case if one assembly process involved magic) and only items that came from the wizard factory could be magicked. this might have the added benefit of the magical processes being enacted simultaneously with physical production (i.e. brooms spelled as they’re crafted) which i would imagine would strengthen the effectiveness of the product in the long run. it might be difficult when you broach the intricacies of low-cost factory production in the third world, but then again, we don’t know much about non-UK wizarding communities; maybe wizarding wealth is much more evenly distributed (the quidditch world cup seems somewhat utopian, no?).

            oh god, me too. my kingdom for a W.J.D.!

          9. EPWordsnatcher +6

            Also, designs would have to pass inspections to make them sufficiently visually different from their corresponding Muggle objects?

          10. two_ogres +5

            almost certainly. although, see my comments/fruitless meanderings above to anyriotgirl re: the problem of broomsticks/stirrups/canon/personal injury.

    5. wrappedupinbooks +23

      as I recall flying carpets were outlawed under the Enchantment of Muggle Artefacts Act, and this made Mr. Barty Crouch Sr. very sad, because a relative of his had a 12 seater.

      1. two_ogres +9

        i would be very interested to read the enchantment of muggle artifacts act, since identical logic would seem to apply to brooms and carpets, right? (i.e.: broom or carpet potentially used by an actual muggle – not okay to enchant; broom or carpet produced specifically for the purposes of enchantment – ok.) but maybe that is exactly what the act says, and the 12-seater was formerly muggle-owned, and the relative couldn’t afford a brand-new legally-enchantable rug.

        1. wrappedupinbooks +19

          Yeah, superficially the same logic does seem to apply. I feel like I recall someone mentioning that they thought the distinction was racist, since broomsticks are for Anglo-wizards, and magic carpets are associated with Middle Eastern wizards. It’s also possible that I made that up in my head. JRK WE NEED THE STATUTE.

          1. two_ogres +2

            ugh. i like my version better. though as i’ve noted above, i think i want the wizarding world to be more utopic than it actually is (would be?).

          3. two_ogres +22

            well, it’s weird. it’s like a utopia with a dystopia built into it, where we’re supposed to believe that the elimination of the fascist uprising gives way to a true utopia? but clearly the fascist elements are part and parcel of the system as a whole –

  11. rusty +13

    These excerpts give me hope that the Weasley Diaries will be more “I, Jedi” than “Ender’s Shadow”.

  12. abrantingham +62

    The jump from “I don’t think I like guacamole” to “everyone wants us dead”. AMAZING.

    1. MalloryOrtberg +33

      “I think I want to have sex one day” is as sexual as my interpretation of Ron Weasley will ever, ever get.

  15. AmazingSandwich +7

    OT

    I am listening to The Freshmen right now, and it is definitely not about abortion.

    /OT

  17. nicoledieker +37

    Everyone should read Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality, which rewrites HP as if the characters behaved (wait for it…) rationally.

    Here’s the section on Ron, who is dispensed from the story in the first few chapters:

    “It’s not that I hate this Ron guy,” Harry said, “I just, just…” Harry searched for words.

    “Don’t see any reason for him to exist?” offered Draco.

    “Pretty much.”

      2. brigidkeely +2

        I have a soft spot for impoverished, socially awkward dorks. I dislike the idea that there’s no reason for Ron to exist.

        1. Tiferet +4

          Ron’s not just an impoverished, socially awkward dork; he’s a misogynist, impoverished, socially awkward dork. And I have no soft spot in any part of my body or soul for those; there is no reason for them to exist, but they do, and they have been hitting on me obnoxiously all my life in that “he’s being a jerk to you, must mean he likes you,” way that makes me want them to go and like someone else please.

  18. ArsenioB_Ham +43

    One thing I have always wondered is whether the Wizarding world has birth control. Is there a potion one can drink monthly to prevent ovulation (similar to Wolfsbane potion)? Is there a charm you can magick onto the inseminating device (usually a penis) to make the sperm ineffectual? DO THEY JUST USE THE RHYTHM METHOD AND HOPE FOR THE BEST?

    Years. I have been wondering for YEARS.

    1. two_ogres +12

      yes. there is obviously some sort of charm/potion. thing i learned about magic from the harry potter books: it’s generally just about as un/reliable as the muggle version of the thing. 97% that harry and ginny’s first child is an accident but the other ones are deliberate.

      1. LeastBittern +6

        There is a LOT of unintentional mpreg in Harry Potter fanfic. Including one where Draco gives birth to baby ferrets.

    3. Lyzz13 +61

      Hermione, being both Muggleborn and brilliant, did a study to see if they would be contra-indicated and now uses both Muggle and magical BC methods. This is why she only has 2 kids, even with a Weasley father.

  19. osutein +82

    “I still don’t know what math is.”

    Hogwarts education does seem deeply inadequate. My main disappointment with the epilogue is that it didn’t include a line like, “and then Hermione went to Oxford and got a PhD because she was far too smart to settle for a technical secondary education.”

    2. citizenchristy +19

      I have always, ALWAYS wondered about this, the way Hogwarts is basically a vocational school and those kids aren’t going to understand biology or have any grasp of non-wizarding history (unless their parents send them to summer school, which doesn’t seem likely).

      1. osutein +48

        I always wanted Harry to, at some point, meet a wizard who “went Muggle” and left the wizarding world due to its weirdness.

        “But why would you leave the Wizarding World for the Muggle world? The wizarding world has magic! And every-flavor beans! And you can fly on brooms,” said Harry.

        “And slave labor. Every flavor beans, and slavery. It’s 1998, and you people still have slaves. That is openly acknowledged and perfectly legal in your world. Do you know how deeply messed up that is?” said Bertimus Tumblrdore.

        “Oh. Right.”

    3. walkingthecow +10

      Arithmancy was an elective, so perhaps it was assumed that you went in with basic math skills? Maybe the wizarding world had strict guidelines for elementary home schooling. Or maybe they just used magic to find all the answers, like me with calculators.

    4. Sugar&Snails +9

      I think the real question is, if Hermione DID go to Oxford would she be allowed to write poems about her friends who died in Hogwarts? Or would only her poems about her Oxford friends’ deaths be acceptable?

  21. tekkah +48

    something about a witch named Margaret Thatcher who murdered all the unionists

    *sputters*

    *dies*

  22. bumbleblu +33

    The fact that Ron is aware that he doesn’t know what math is, or that French people speak French suggests that he’s a lot smarter than anyone ever gave him credit for.

    …Dumbledore spoke French, didn’t he?

  23. Rosie +10

    Mallory, you’re amazing. I never knew I wanted “The Ron Weasley Diaries,” and now they are here and so wonderful.

  25. loosechange +3

    I just had to bite my fist to keep from laughing WAY TOO LOUDLY at my desk. This fills my nerdy little heart with unparalleled glee.