There is nothing in the world a movie hero’s girlfriend hates more than heroism. At every turn, she looks for a way to stymie her doughty lover’s acts of courage. If she had her way, the movie would end 40 minutes in and they’d just play Apples to Apples until they both died of old age.
DIALOGUE FROM EVERY MOVIE EVER
LADY: don’t go to the big Thing
HERO MAN: I have to though
LADY: please dont
HERO MAN: no
LADY: [secretly proud]
[explosions]
LADY: dont fly that plane there’s sky everywhere
HERO MAN [over the radio]: sorry im already flying it babe
LADY: damn
LADY: dont go to that fight
HERO MAN: babe i got two fists but only one heart
i have to
LADY: i understand
HERO MAN: really?
LADY: no stay home and be afraid with me
HERO MAN: you just dont get it
LADY: i never ever will
LADY: dont go
HERO MAN: im going
LADY: then be careful
HERO MAN:
no
[explosions]
LADY: dont go to the big Thing tonight
HERO MAN: i have to
otherwise the guys wont be proud of me
LADY: ill still be proud of you
HERO MAN: lol
no offense but
that doesn’t really count
i already have sex with you i dont really need your respect
like seriously no offense but you dont even have a job
LADY: im a scientist doctor
HERO MAN: ok
still though
LADY: where are you going
HERO MAN: to do my dangerous job i do
LADY: please dont do it tonight
HERO MAN: dont do my dangerous cool job?
LADY: yeah
dont sell any drugs to antiheroes or strangle guys or kick in some doors because youre a big angry boss man with serious danger inside him
HERO MAN: if you really knew me youd be scared as heck
im knocking man i knock doors youre a big dumb mouth stop crying
LADY: oh man thats scary get out of here go do your job
LADY: dont do the thing you’re supposed to do
HERO MAN: why not
LADY: idk
i just dont want you to
BAD GUY MAN: hey i got your lady
LADY GIRL: oh man i should never have told you not to go to the thing
BAD GUY MAN: you can save your woman lady or you can do the big hero brave action time
you cant do both things
HERO MAN: i just did
BAD GUY MAN: oh wow
LADY CHICK: im pregnant so from now on ill be even more at home
Tags: bitches, dont do the dangerous thing, feminism, girlfriends, guess which one of these is a secret dig at the ‘i am the one who knocks’ scene, heroes, im doing it though, worrying
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[explosions]
also that last line is a zinger
Alternately:
LADY: i have to go do the Big Thing
DUDE: no i forbid it
LADY: but im going to protect everyone from the Bad!
DUDE: no i am just protecting you from yourself
DUDE: *locks lady in the cellar*
DUDE: i love u too much to let u hurt yourself
sounds like doctor who…
LADY: idk
i just dont want you to
-me, more than a few times.
“oh man thats scary get out of here go do your job”
She just knows that after the heroism she’s going to have to hear about it over and over again at every party they go to for the rest of her life. Plus he’s making her wait to watch the new episode of Scandal until he’s back from adventuring.
That’s bullshit. If he’s going out to Do Action Thing, I am watching whatever the fuck I want.
BUFFY: I need to go do this dangerous thing.
GILES: You’re right, you are the most qualified person to do that.
*end scene*
In conclusion, Buffy is the best.
In follow-up conclusion, Giles is the best girlfriend.
I have some issues with how Giles handled some situations (maybe you should have introduced Willow to those qualified wiccans a lot earlier and also signed all the non-Buffy teenagers up for some self defense classes), but I will forever love him for the post-Angel going evil. ‘This is not your fault, I am full of all the respect for you’ talk. And also every single time he rolled his eyes.
Ahahahahahahahaha:
LADY: im a scientist doctor
HERO MAN: ok
still though
Poor movie lady girlfriend ninny scientist doctors who are always wrong about the Hero Man doing the thing in spite of their advanced degrees and high-power secret government jobs, always
Poor movie lady girlfriend ninny scientist doctors in really short skirts or hot pants who are always wrong about the Hero Man etc etc.
HERO MAN: i have to go do the Thing and also im breaking up with you
LADY: wait i don’t like either of these ideas
HERO MAN: no its because the Thing is so dangerous that you could get hurt by proxy
HERO MAN: like just by being connected to me in any way
HERO MAN: including boyfriendhood
HERO MAN: in fact its probably safer if you dont even like me at all
HERO MAN: actually you would be way safer if you thought i was a jerk
HERO MAN: soooo…
HERO MAN: you suck
LADY: D’:
(Meanwhile, a DUDE WATCHING THE MOVIE comes to the sudden conclusion that something like this must have been the reason he was such a jerk to his ex during their breakup, and that he is morally in the clear. He rejoices internally at the thought of his altruism.)
D:
the harry/ginny, it burns
When I star in an action movie, it will not be as the HERO MAN who goes off a-heroing, nor as the sidelined woman who begs him not to. I will be THE EXPLOSIONS BOOM BOOM SMASH BOOOOOOOOOM
(I am so very sick of female characters as objects and obstacles. Dear filmmakers, WE DO STUFF. WE ARE PEOPLE. WE ARE ACTUALLY HUMAN, PLEASE REPRESENT US THAT WAY.)
“i already have sex with you i dont really need your respect”
THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT
As much as I love Harry Potter by Ayn Rand, this is my favorite thing on The Toast today.
HERO MAN: My life is too dangerous to share with you so we must break up
LADY: Whew *wipes brow*
HERO MAN: Err…
LADY: I’ve been wanting to break it off for that same reason, but I was afraid I’d be the awful bitch if I did, so thanks!
HERO MAN: Maybe when this whole things blows over we can-
LADY: *already on motorcycle riding away* Good luck with that dangerous burden you keep talking about!
Lady = Jazz
The place she’s riding to = market with a food demon that sends her back in time
*everything is connected*
Whoa
PEETA: Don’t go do the thing!
KATNISS: Shouldn’t you be baking a cake?
*shoots arrows into the cake*
PEETA: That was for our wedding!
*pinches Peeta’s cheek*
LADY: dont fly that plane there’s sky everywhere
HERO MAN [over the radio]: sorry im already flying it babe
LADY: damn
An Only Angels Have Wings reference?
Whoa, did that Lady actually shoot the Hero Man?
Don’t worry. She only winged him.
re: I am the one who knocks: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csDM1MQ7Wt8
also, I am definitely saving “babe I got two fists but only one heart” for later
Don’t go. Stay here, put on this fuchsia ballgown and say things in the voice of Prairie Dawn out of Sesame Street.
AMERICAN CAPTAIN HERO-MAN: I have to go do the thing!
LADY CO-WORKERS: What, this thing? *all of the shooting and punching*
ACH-M: Gosh I appreciate your competent assistance!
AMERICAN CAPTAIN HERO-MAN: This could be really dangerous!
PEGGY AWESOME IN ALL THINGS CARTER: It’s okay I have a machine gun. I have all the machine guns.
and sometimes it’s like
AMERICAN CAPTAIN HERO-MAN: I have to go do the right thing
SUPER LADY SPY: Ok I have a plan and everything
AMERICAN CAPTAIN HERO-MAN: you know best
SUPER LADY SPY: damn well i do
AMERICAN CAPTAIN HERO-MAN: can you explain that reference tho
AMERICAN CAPTAIN HERO-MAN: i need help doing this
FLYING MAN: i can help
AMERICAN CAPTAIN HERO-MAN: i can’t ask you to do that
FLYING MAN: i offered
AMERICAN CAPTAIN HERO-MAN: you’re great, i appreciate you
SUPER LADY SPY: your kissing skills are a bit rusty, bro
AMERICAN CAPTAIN HERO-MAN: i was kind of nervous also i’m 90
SUPER LADY SPY: why? you can trust me probably
AMERICAN CAPTAIN HERO-MAN: yes but you can kill a man with your thighs
SUPER LADY SPY: oh true i totally have
Sulagna, you make me so happy.
Hello, yes, who should I pay rent to if I would like to live in this thread forever
LADY: You were totally farting in bed last night.
SECRET HERO MAN: If only you knew who I really am.
LADY: Whatever, just lay off the spicy burritos, ok?
(SECRET HERO MAN goes off to do Big Hero Things which cause his identity to be revealed)
LADY: My hero! I am sorry I ever complained of your crepuscular flatulence! Take me in your arms.
It was just so damn cool to see a cabal plotting to Save the World that was only 20% white dudes. I mean, the next step obviously is to explore the concept of “diversity” beyond white ladies and black dudes, but… only 20% white dudes! Just Steve, actually! That was great.
Wait, are you saying this scene actually happened in an actual movie? I thought I was just making shit up. (But yes, yay to small steps in diverse representation!)
don’t forget the loyal doge that barks and gets a headrub right before the dude leaves to go do his thing
wow
much hero
so man
marry me
GOOD BOY! *rubs head*
*walks away*
*turns back around and smirks*
*dogs head perks up*
*walks away/drives off to do man things*
Jane Foster: No for real, I am a Scientist Doctor and I will Science all of this weird alienmagic nonsense back where it came from. I just need gadgets and a couple of comic-relief lackeys.
Godly Hero-Man: Gosh you’re hot. Let’s make out after I’m done smashing things.
He always gets puppy eyes or bedroom eyes at her when she’s Scienceing, I LOVE IT
Jane Foster: I am a Scientist Doctor with an unasked-for but immense supernatural power within me and I can totally — *faints.*
Godly Hero-Man Never fear, I can do things and carry your unconscious body at the same time. You will be like my attractively coiffed backpack.
(I did like that film, but still.)
I don’t deny it could’ve been better. But I like the character, and she did her moments in the back half though.
Aah! Jane Foster love. I scrolled down the comments to see if there was any, because she’s awesome, and if Thor goes into danger she pretty much goes with him.
Also the way he gets when she does science. Amazing.
LADY: Don’t do your dangerous job tonight, it’s a setup.
HERO GUY: Baby I know you love me and want to protect me –
LADY: YOUR BOSS IS A LOVECRAFTIAN HORROR.
HERO GUY: …
LADY: Seriously, there was a memo at my science-doctor lab, “Ten Most Wanted Lovecraftian Horrors Masquerading as -”
HERO GUY: Stop lying to me!
LADY: We get memos like that every damn day, man. STAY HOME.
Change Lady to Carlos and I can say and now the weather
HERO MAN: The time has come when I must save the world.
LADY: No, Hero Man. *I* have to be your world.
*Hero Man leaves to save the world, sadly*
“Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.”
“No, it’s too perilous.”
LADY CHICK: Don’t go to the forum.
HERO-MAN: Why? Like, the guys and I were planning to get a deep dish pizza after we were done with all our legislatin’ today…
LADY CHICK: I had a bad dream about it. Look, just don’t go, ok?
HERO-MAN: Nope, still going.
*dies*
LADY CHICK: *eats his share of pizza* *has sex with sexy slave boy* *cackles*
For a minute I thought Lady Chick was just trying to protect her man from reading the comments…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqk2qqhunp4
I AM THE GREATEST GOOD YOU ARE EVER GONNA GET
It’s always time to link to Crimer: https://twitter.com/crimershow
“CRIMER: (turns to camera) Ther maney waysTo crime… (puts on sunglasses) but onley One man knuw them all… (puts on more sunglasses) …Me “
This happens so often in the movie 2012 that I made it a category in my drinking game called “Stand back, ladies, this is Man’s Work!” (another one is “Man makes noble self-sacrifice”) (that is a perfect movie for drinking games because basically the same thing happens over and over)
MEANWHILE, IN A MORE PERFECT WORLD…
LADY GIRLFRIEND: Don’t go to the Dangerous Thing, it’s dangerous!
HERO GUY: Really? I kinda feel like I oughta go. Other Guy Sidekick is gonna be there…
GIRLFRIEND LADY: Yeah? So let him take care of Dangerous Thing, and stay home. Think about it. Danger or kicking it with my rad self.
GUY HERO: Okay yeah actually, fuck that. The new Popular Show Episode is tonight, right? I’ll get Chinese takeout.
“At every turn, she looks for a way to stymie her doughty lover’s acts of courage.”
I initially read this as “her doughy lover’s acts of courage,” which, let’s face, is also true.
The “I am the one who knocks” scene is funny because at that exact moment he has sent someone else out to knock for him. Like it’s a key part of Walter White’s character that he’s a weaselly coward who never does his own dirty work if he can possibly avoid it and escapes consequences of his actions through base animal cunning rather than anything else.
I’d say I don’t know why so many dudes think he’s SO RAD but I know exactly why
I am playing a video game right now and there are two lady creatures in it I haven’t met yet, but I can already tell that one of these convos is gonna happen with one or both of them. Even though the hero lives in the grossest motel ever that looks like he had a poo explosion in the bathroom.
Meanwhile in Feminist Utopia
Lady 1: I have to go do the thing!
Man: What? Really?! Can I help?!
Lady 2: Yes, may I be of assistance?
Lady 1: I’d appreciate that. Let’s go do the thing!
*explosions*
Thing actually gets done and the world is saved. Ta da!
Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries
Wait, are you saying this scene actually happened in an actual movie? I thought I was just making shit up. (But yes, yay to small steps in diverse representation!)
sounds like doctor who…
I love telling people my favorite Breaking Bad character is Skyler because I feel justified in dismissing the 85% of them who need to declare that she seems like kind of a controlling bitch.
Follow your bliss, dickbags!