Previously: Misandrist lullabies.
“May men offer themselves to me —
to build with and to do with as I will.
Relieve them of the bondage of self,
that they may better do my will.
Take away their personalities,
that victory over them may bear witness to men I would help
of my power, my love, and my way of life.
May they do my will always.”
“This is my male. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
I am my male’s best friend. I am its life.
I must master it as I must master my life.
My male, without me, is useless.
Without my male, I am unchanged.
My male is human, because I am its life.
Thus, I will learn its weaknesses, its strength, its parts, its accessories, its sights and its barrel.
I will keep my male clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready.
It will become a part of me.
Before God, I swear this creed.”
“I am now willing that I should have all of men,
good & bad.
I pray that you now remove from them
every single defect of character which stands in the way of their usefulness to me
Grant me strength to master them,
as they go out from here to do my bidding.”
“May the Lord bless you and keep you.
May the Lord make his face to shine upon you,
and be gracious to you.
May the Lord lift up hir countenance upon you,
and give you peace.
May the Lord grant you feminism in theory
and lesbianism in practice.”
“Lord, make me an instrument of female domination;
where there is maleness, let me sow femaleness;
where there are men talking, men silent;
where there are men smiling, men cowering;
where there are men hopeful, men suppliant;
where there are men going to work, men sitting quietly;
and where there is male sadness, female joy.”
“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want him.
I require no shepherd.
The keeping of female animals for male profit is a practice that has no place in the new world order.”
“Women with me, women before me, women behind me,
Women in me, women beneath me, women above me,
Women on my right, women on my left,
Women where I lie, women where I sit, women where I arise,
Women in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Women in the mouth of every one who speaks to me,
Women in every eye that sees me,
Women in every ear that hears me.
Salvation comes from women.
Salvation is of women.
May female salvation be ever with us.”
“Now I lay men down to sleep,
I pray the Lord will keep them sleeping.
May they never wake.
May they become the dream,
May I become reality.”
“Our Father,
Who art in heaven,
Stay there.”
“May the road rise up to meet you.
May men be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
the rains fall soft upon your fields
and until we meet again,
may you see a man beaten to a bloody pulp
with a high-heel shoved in his mouth,
like an apple in the mouth of a pig.”
“God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to ride the men I can like a pony;
And wisdom to know the difference.”
“Hail Mary, full of grace.
Blessed art thou amongst women,
and all women are blessed.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
The phallic malady is epidemic and systemic
Each individual male in the patriarchy is aware of his relative power in the scheme of things…
He knows that his actions are supported by the twin pillars of the State of man – the brotherhood ritual of political exigency and the brotherhood ritual of a sexual thrill in dominance.
He is a devotee of Thanatos,
rid us of him.”
Tags: misandry, misandry is real…real cool, prayer
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*begins cross stitching each one*
Link to your Etsy plz?
I was coming to the comments to beg someone to make samplers of these. Please. PLEASE.
I’m so glad you wrote this because this is my EXACT reaction every time I see something that Mallory has written.
Speaking of prayers and males, does anyone remember the Possum Lodge prayer from the Red Green Show? “I’m a man. But I can change. If I have to, I guess.”
Actually, does anyone remember that show at all because I am sometimes convinced I am the only non-Canadian who does.
You are not alone! I think my local PBS station still runs it.
It is Quite A Thing here in northern Michigan. Never fear.
Yes, yes I do. I grew up in the Pacific Northwest and it was on PBS all the time and I miss it sometimes. It feels like Dad Magazine the show.
YES. That makes so much sense!
I watched it ALL THE TIME. I’m all about the Possum Lodge Word Game.
Also, I’m pretty sure Harold showed up on Stargate: SG-1, can anyone confirm?? IMDB is blocked at work.
Yes! Patrick McKenna was in two episodes.
He did, and it was very unsettling.
Our PBS station used to do an episode of Red Green followed by Monty Python at the same time all the other channels had news. It was must-watch Dad TV.
I only know about that show because of TotallyADD. Which is pretty much run by Rick Green and Patrick McKenna. Rick reprises Bill in his ADDventures. It’s pretty funny.
My dad super loves that show. It’s on a lot more than you think it is.
Lololol my dad once told me that the Man Prayer was the code he lived by. God bless him.
If the women don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy (or handsy).
Quando Omni Fluncus Moritati. (I think it’s Fluncus?)
Maine’s PBS/MPBN aired it for years. I was also all about the Possum Lodge Word Game. And Handyman Corner.
Oh Mallory, I just donkey- laughed in a busy library and people are looking at me funny. However, when I say ‘people’, I mostly mean ‘men’, so I don’t really care.
“misandry is real…real cool”
best tag in the history of tags ever
“Our Father,
Who art in heaven,
Stay there.”
I am swooning with delight at this.
Also, this whole thing reminded me of going to the Christmas Eve service at my parents’ church last year… I have a deep, deep crush on their tall, southern, vintage-outfitted, pixie-cutted, red-lipped pastor, who gave a lovely sermon on how the meaning of Christmas was Motherhood and Femaleness and the strength and divinity within them.
I needed this this morning. Thank you Mallory
My heart is strangely warmed.
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
“God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to ride the men I can like a pony;
And wisdom to know the difference.”
Sending this to my horsey friends and the gentleman caller.
I always loved the Prayer of St Francis, but NOW, oh now it’s perfect.
I always hated the (created by some 20th century French person) prayer of st. francis, well, at least the second part. Now it’s perfect, indeed.
For Love and Justice, the pretty sailor suited soldier Sailor Moon! In the name of the moon I will punish men!
edit: this ABSOLUTELY counts as prayer before anyone argues w/ me
can we just add that whole part in Moon Pride about being strong and not needing a man’s help?
oh my god, i can’t even pick a favorite because THEY’RE ALL SO GOOD
Ever since I was but a child, I would say the Lord’s Prayer (and all prayers, really) as if I were talking to a Mother.
“Our Mother Who art in Heaven”
I could never believe that the Creator of all life could possibly be male.
As an increasingly more ardent atheist, I’ve been replacing “God” or “Lord” in common phrases with Mother Nature. Like “thank Mother Nature for that.” Sometimes I’ll use “Sun” too. Sun bless your heart.
Me too! That was my first really big problem with Christianity when I was a child. I couldn’t accept god being a man.
I love it all except I can’t stomach the bloody pulp, which is an image too close to transphobic torture in my mind. Naturally trans woman does not equal man at all, but the image holds. Huh.
“Women with me, women before me, women behind me,
Women in me, women beneath me, women above me,
Women on my right, women on my left,
Women where I lie, women where I sit, women where I arise,
Women in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Women in the mouth of every one who speaks to me,
Women in every eye that sees me,
Women in every ear that hears me.
Salvation comes from women.
Salvation is of women.
May female salvation be ever with us.”
It’s not every prayer that combines salvific efficacy with sexual arousal.
“But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The woman replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my man-child, is when I carried you.”
“Now I lay men down to sleep,
I pray the Lord will keep them sleeping.
May they never wake.
May they become the dream,
May I become reality.”
“Our Father,
Who art in heaven,
Stay there.”
These two are my favorite.
I grew up very Catholic and when I was about 5 decided I wanted to be a priest. My mom just went with it and was like, “Yes, you will be the first ever female Catholic priest.” Obviously that didn’t work out, but these would have been good prayers to have on hand.
Welp! I just found my wedding vows
This is my male. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
I am my male’s best friend. I am its life.
I must master it as I must master my life.
My male, without me, is useless.
Without my male, I am unchanged.
That last one, though. Yes. I feel like I want to pull out my rosary from Catholic school and say it fifty times while contemplating an icon of Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want him.
I require no shepherd.”
I’ve re-read this one about ten times now because it’s so badass it’s hard to wrap my mind around it.
Damn, Hail Mary got real real
I will now utter the Breastplate of St. Mallory when I feel fear of men skittering down my spine and haunting my steps.
Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Men, no evil will I fear…
Which one of these do you say when you find out that The Mansplainer Who Married Into Your Social Circle APPLIED FOR A JOB FOR HIS WIFE WITHOUT TELLING HER, because that’s the one I need right now.
:O
What the actual fuck? How is that even possible?
He applied for a job under her name, using her resume. Presumably they didn’t require a cover letter. I HOPE they didn’t require a cover letter. She found out when they called her to set up an interview. Why he couldn’t just tell her about the opening and suggest she apply like a normal person is unclear.
Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells, and cockle shells
And that man I killed with a hoe
Unfortunately they are major downers – it's emotionally draining. On the upside, though the textured, complex view on race, class and sexuality really breaks down a lot of stereotypes and myths and reveals just how flawed a lot of our understanding of the past is. I'm sorry to recommend them to you, but yeah, at least you'll have a delightfully misandrist answer when somebody asks you "What are you reading?"
haha right? nope, they managed to use all "other" bodies – white women, black men, and black women – to create a specific story that would further their racist, sexist patriarchy. sigh.
Quando Omni Fluncus Moritati. (I think it's Fluncus?)
Maine's PBS/MPBN aired it for years. I was also all about the Possum Lodge Word Game. And Handyman Corner.
A Woman of valor, seek her out;
she is far more precious than rubies.
She opens her hand to her fellow misandrists
and punches the patriarchy with her other.
Adorned with strength and dignity,
she shall create our future matriarchy.
Her speech is brutally honest;
the law of feminism is on her lips.
All love her and they will rise up with praise and call her Queen:
“Many have done well, but you surpass them all.”
Charm is her birthright and wisdom forever
This woman has decimated the patriarchy and leads a new world order.
Honor her for she is your Queen
She cares naught for your male tears.
Well done. Eshet Chayil.
“Our father who art in heaven
Stay there
And we will stay here on earth
Which is sometimes so pretty”
Jacques Prévert has nothing on Mallory