Hilary Mantel’s Wolf Hall -The Toast

Hilary Mantel’s Wolf Hall

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on April 8, 2015 in Books

WOLF HALL

HENRY VIII: who let all these dang wolves in my hall

WOLF IN TUDOR HAT: aaroo

THOMAS CROMWELL: Thomas More
you stand at risk of losing your head
do you or do you not affirm the Act of Succession, the coronation of Anne Boleyn, and the king’s right to annul his illegal marriage to his sister-in-law Catherine?

THOMAS MORE: bawoo

SIR THOMAS AUDLEY: what say you council members
how shall we deal with the rebels of the Pilgrimage of Grace?

COUNCIL MEMBERS: [exert crushing pressure of 1,500 psi with their jaws as they tear into a musk ox]

SIR THOMAS AUDLEY: gentlemen please
I must have an answer

COUNCIL MEMBERS: scrmmfllscrmscrm

THOMAS CROMWELL: if anyone can contract the king’s annulment from Lady Catherine
it is I, Thomas Cromwell
born the son of a blacksmith
now the Lord Privy Seal
keeper of the king’s confidences
able to detect the scent of prey upwind from three kilometers off

KING HENRY VIII: let us break with Rome
what say you to that, my lady

ANNE BOLEYN: rrrr

KING HENRY VIII: good girl
good Anne Boleyn

ANNE BOLEYN: rrr rrr rr

HENRY VIII: sh sh sh
there now
we’ll defy the Pope first thing in the morning

ANNE BOLEYN: rr

WOLF HALL

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

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+53 Vote up Vote down

Unmana · 519 weeks ago

The Cromwell bit seems quite right.

+177 Vote up Vote down

osutein 136p · 519 weeks ago

Now I really want a Disney animated version of WOLF HALL in the style of their ROBIN HOOD, only instead of foxes, everyone is a wolf, except Thomas Cromwell, who is still a fox.

12 replies · active 519 weeks ago

+19 Vote up Vote down

Es_Petal 120p · 519 weeks ago

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAWWWWRRRRRR!

+99 Vote up Vote down

evieskye 118p · 519 weeks ago

I keep calling it Wolf of Wolf Hall (ala Wind in the Willows) just to irritate my friend.

+31 Vote up Vote down

projectbeks 119p · 519 weeks ago

I am much more interested in watching/reading this version.

4 replies · active 519 weeks ago

+89 Vote up Vote down

damanoid 134p · 519 weeks ago

This helps to explain the emphasis on submissive urination in More's Utopia.

Also the weird digression about genital locking, and the chapter about why ravens are jerks.

2 replies · active 519 weeks ago

+46 Vote up Vote down

literarysara 119p · 519 weeks ago

needs more falconry

2 replies · active 519 weeks ago

+31 Vote up Vote down

thebellewitch 122p · 519 weeks ago

I completely coincidentally picked up Wolf Hall and Bringing Up the Bodies right before all these miniseries and Broadway shows came out, so it's like the whole internet/arts media is in my brain. I love it.

Relevant (?): There's a city park in my hometown that has captive/rescue wolves, and they periodically feed them whole road-killed deer. Now that is a sight.

+13 Vote up Vote down

houblonchouffe 123p · 519 weeks ago

A+

+35 Vote up Vote down

AndreaNLam 91p · 519 weeks ago

bawooooo

1 reply · active 519 weeks ago

+11 Vote up Vote down

Es_Petal 120p · 519 weeks ago

BTW, did anyone else really fancy Mark Rylance by the end of the series? Only in character, it turns out, I watched interviews with him afterwards and there was not a stirring.

7 replies · active 515 weeks ago

+56 Vote up Vote down

deleted182847 101p · 519 weeks ago

"He's his own man....he's his own wolf.......he's his own wolf man."

2 replies · active 519 weeks ago

+29 Vote up Vote down

latenac 125p · 519 weeks ago

I almost wish I had a Kindle so I could somehow replace all the 3rd person singular pronouns in the books with wolf howls. I love the story in both books and find the characters compelling but 3rd person singular pronouns really trip Ms. Mantel up.

5 replies · active 519 weeks ago

+55 Vote up Vote down

Frumiosa 141p · 519 weeks ago

Waiting for the inevitable WereWolf Hall Bar Mitzvah mashup.

4 replies · active 519 weeks ago

+46 Vote up Vote down

littleinfinity 108p · 519 weeks ago

HENRY VIII: who let all these dang wolves in my hall

WOLF IN TUDOR HAT: aaroo

...this made me giggle a lot harder than it probably should have.

4 replies · active 519 weeks ago

+6 Vote up Vote down

loosechange 125p · 519 weeks ago

It's perfect. Perfect I say!

+92 Vote up Vote down

damanoid 134p · 519 weeks ago

HENRY VIII: Mirror, mirror, on the wall: who is the hairiest one of all?
MIRROR: Your Majesty is hirsute, 'tis true; but your wife is furrier far than you.
HENRY VIII: WHAT?!
ANNE BOLEYN: ruh roh

+8 Vote up Vote down

emmysuhweeks · 519 weeks ago

This + yesterday's Natalie Dormer article = I will be binge watching the Tudors tonight until the end of time. Oh wait, I was going to do that tonight and every night until the end of time anyway. BAWOO!

1 reply · active 519 weeks ago

+24 Vote up Vote down

sarah_jay 96p · 519 weeks ago

This is almost like a Wishbone version of Wolf Hall. I love Wishbone.

1 reply · active 519 weeks ago

+30 Vote up Vote down

mbculver 114p · 519 weeks ago

Now I wish I had a reason to say to my husband, as we go to bed one night, "We'll defy the Pope in the morning." Maybe if one of us were a wolf...?

2 replies · active 519 weeks ago

+47 Vote up Vote down

damanoid 134p · 519 weeks ago

You hear 'em howling around your kitchen door
You better not let 'em in
Duke of Suffolk got decapitated late last night
Tudors of London again

+19 Vote up Vote down

wingoyle 0p · 519 weeks ago

Somebody should run an experiment: put together a series of text fragments in present tense where everyone is identified as "he" and the topic constantly reverts to the subject's unappealing appearance and have the Man Booker judges figure out which were written by HM and which are transcripts of fourth graders' conversations at recess.

+2 Vote up Vote down

Helen Craig 87p · 518 weeks ago

I am so late to this but it is so amazing

2 replies · active 492 weeks ago

0 Vote up Vote down

OhRather · 480 weeks ago

I think this might actually be my favourite article in all of 2015? I cannot explain it but there it is.

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