Hilary Mantel’s Wolf Hall -The Toast

WOLF HALL

HENRY VIII: who let all these dang wolves in my hall

WOLF IN TUDOR HAT: aaroo

THOMAS CROMWELL: Thomas More
you stand at risk of losing your head
do you or do you not affirm the Act of Succession, the coronation of Anne Boleyn, and the king’s right to annul his illegal marriage to his sister-in-law Catherine?

THOMAS MORE: bawoo

SIR THOMAS AUDLEY: what say you council members
how shall we deal with the rebels of the Pilgrimage of Grace?

COUNCIL MEMBERS: [exert crushing pressure of 1,500 psi with their jaws as they tear into a musk ox]

SIR THOMAS AUDLEY: gentlemen please
I must have an answer

COUNCIL MEMBERS: scrmmfllscrmscrm

THOMAS CROMWELL: if anyone can contract the king’s annulment from Lady Catherine
it is I, Thomas Cromwell
born the son of a blacksmith
now the Lord Privy Seal
keeper of the king’s confidences
able to detect the scent of prey upwind from three kilometers off

KING HENRY VIII: let us break with Rome
what say you to that, my lady

ANNE BOLEYN: rrrr

KING HENRY VIII: good girl
good Anne Boleyn

ANNE BOLEYN: rrr rrr rr

HENRY VIII: sh sh sh
there now
we’ll defy the Pope first thing in the morning

Hilary Mantel’s Wolf Hall

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg