Celebrities I Have Long Believed Are Enchanted Dogs In Human Form -The Toast

Celebrities I Have Long Believed Are Enchanted Dogs In Human Form

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on July 17, 2015 in Animals

Obviously, Channing Tatum and Joe Manganiello. The entire male cast of Magic Mike XXL, really, all wet noses and unbridled enthusiasm and hanging their heads out of car windows and sniffing things for the sheer joy of being alive. If Labrador Retrievers had abs, it would be these men. Fights are quickly dissolved into celebrations of life. They probably eat garbage, and kick their legs in the air if you scratch them in the right place. Life is reaction, and smelling other people’s hair, and moving as quickly as possible, and mating cheerfully, and finding a warm spot by the fire to curl up in.

Also Freddie Prinze Jr, which I feel REALLY strongly about ever since I watched I Know What You Did Last Summer for the first time last month, because he’s got those big sad Sarah MacLachlan dog-commercial dog-eyes, like he’s coming up on his last few good years and the shelter workers aren’t sure if anyone’s ever going to take him home, even though he’s a great dog.

Other celebrities I’m convinced have been be-witched up into human bodies (but who are secretly all tails and hip dysplasia):

Danza, Tony
Evans, Chris
Pratt, Chris
Not any of the Hemsworths, for some reason
Selena Gomez?? like a really pretty fluffy Pomeranian

The real question, right, about these enchanted dogs, is: are they happy as celebrities, or would they be happier if we released them to their true forms and allowed them to run free on a beach somewhere? I wonder, sometimes.

Kendra Wells is an illustrator who gives great Girl Tips.

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (76)

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+28 Vote up Vote down

Alli525 111p · 506 weeks ago

Oh man Freddie Prinze Jr is 100% an enchanted dog. Like a foxhound or plott hound, except when he plays any Good But Rough Around The Edges role (like his arc on 24), in which case he is like a foxhound or plott except that he just THINKS he's a doberman.

1 reply · active 506 weeks ago

+101 Vote up Vote down

sofie_fatale 102p · 506 weeks ago

Tom Hardy was obviously a pit bull.

5 replies · active 506 weeks ago

+46 Vote up Vote down

hugpunch 130p · 506 weeks ago

Harrison Ford. He's a husky. So handsome when young, still handsome and grizzled when old.

+14 Vote up Vote down

jekyllian 141p · 506 weeks ago

this may actually explain why i like all those magic mike dudes (except tarzan, he kind of freaks me out??) + chris evans + chris pratt so much

+210 Vote up Vote down

sednarea51 128p · 506 weeks ago

Exhibit A in the Chris Evans Prosecution

Chris Evans is an actual golden retriever

9 replies · active 506 weeks ago

+26 Vote up Vote down

braak 136p · 506 weeks ago

Maybe it would be best if they could change back and forth sometimes, like that guy who had dog powers on True Blood.

6 replies · active 506 weeks ago

+23 Vote up Vote down

alliana07 128p · 506 weeks ago

Norman Reedus. He'd be the kind of dog that could never sit still though, like he's always investigating new things and running off all "SQUIRREL!". Loves hanging his head out car windows while driving. Makes friends with EVERYONE. He can also be very cuddly, though he's totally a face-licker.

2 replies · active 506 weeks ago

+74 Vote up Vote down

ppyajunebug 137p · 506 weeks ago

I wonder if it's Chris Pratt the man who gives off the impression of being a dog, or his continued association with the role of Andy Dwyer, Actual Puppy.

4 replies · active 506 weeks ago

+4 Vote up Vote down

patpotato 153p · 506 weeks ago

b-but
hemsworth

1 reply · active 506 weeks ago

+17 Vote up Vote down

Erika Sorensen · 506 weeks ago

David Duchovny is a puppydog and idek what to say if you disagree

+11 Vote up Vote down

tekkah 115p · 506 weeks ago

Chris Hemsworth is absolutely a yellow lab in human form, I cannot be swayed.

2 replies · active 506 weeks ago

+16 Vote up Vote down

Sean_Sullivan 142p · 506 weeks ago

John C. Reilly - Newfypoo
Edie McClurg - Bichon Frise
Peter Falk - Irish Wolfhound
Judy Greer - Basenji
Richard Kind - Bernese Mountain Dog

1 reply · active 506 weeks ago

+65 Vote up Vote down

aqwaplop 143p · 506 weeks ago

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'll say it as many times as I have to:
Cher is at least two dogs.

2 replies · active 506 weeks ago

+14 Vote up Vote down

Frumiosa 141p · 506 weeks ago

Literally every character on the American version of Queer As Folk. You could reshoot the entire thing with dogs and it would change nothing.

1 reply · active 506 weeks ago

+8 Vote up Vote down

MeinFurrier 72p · 506 weeks ago

Ramona Singer from Real Housewives of New York switched bodies with her dog a long time ago. It is known.

2 replies · active 506 weeks ago

+3 Vote up Vote down

tragicallyludicrous 115p · 506 weeks ago

Also, my favorite speed-skating twins, Ronald and Michel Mulder: http://i989.photobucket.com/albums/af18/oditous2/...

1 reply · active 506 weeks ago

+55 Vote up Vote down

RLT · 506 weeks ago

It's important to make a distinction between exposing dogs who have taken human form, and identifying what type of dog a person would be, if that person was a dog (which they are not). Well done, Mallory, your examples all check out.

My daughter is a dog in human form. I used to say this as a joke when she was like 3 and would put everything possible in her mouth, jump up on people, run to the front door an make a racket when someone was there, and run after any small critter she happened to spot. But now she is 7, and still doing all those things, plus oh did I mention LICKING or GENTLY BITING when she is overcome with loving feelings form someone. So it's not a joke any more.

1 reply · active 506 weeks ago

+11 Vote up Vote down

Grrita 26p · 506 weeks ago

Hemsworth is a cat. Everybody knows that.

Neal McDonough is a husky.

+21 Vote up Vote down

ZevNV 118p · 506 weeks ago

Tilda Swinton: Greyhound?

4 replies · active 506 weeks ago

+37 Vote up Vote down

jadoogan 134p · 506 weeks ago

Hemsworths are bears.

1 reply · active 506 weeks ago

+14 Vote up Vote down

BessieMaeMucho · 506 weeks ago

Alyson Hannigan is awfully easy to picture as something in a terrier. Those big eyes!

+21 Vote up Vote down

Jessargh 101p · 506 weeks ago

OK, but how do I adopt one of these dogs? Specifically the Tom Hardy Pitbull?

+44 Vote up Vote down

Es_Petal 120p · 506 weeks ago

My cat is Christina Hendricks. (hence her name)

Saffron

2 replies · active 506 weeks ago

+6 Vote up Vote down

crawlkill 129p · 506 weeks ago

Sean Hayes. Sean. fucking. Hayes.

2 replies · active 506 weeks ago

+9 Vote up Vote down

knittingBAMF 102p · 506 weeks ago

Tom Hiddleston: cat.

+19 Vote up Vote down

eucalyptusroad 58p · 506 weeks ago

Hayley Atwell: Beagle.

+4 Vote up Vote down

Just Saying · 506 weeks ago

JTT - golden retreiver

+4 Vote up Vote down

Megano! 114p · 506 weeks ago

There was a time when I wou.ld have disagreed re: Freddie Prinze Jr., but after two roles as queer positive bros in BioWare games (and watching the making of vids with him), you're totally right. I think he's an Great Dane.

+2 Vote up Vote down

frankie0darling 140p · 506 weeks ago

Tom Hardy Is Relevant: http://www.vulture.com/2014/09/tom-hardy-drop-dog...

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