Bible Verses Where The Word “Righteous” Has Been Replaced By “Bitchin’” -The Toast

Bible Verses Where The Word “Righteous” Has Been Replaced By “Bitchin'”

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on August 12, 2015 in Bible Verses

Previously: The Unchill Bible.

Genesis 7:1

Then the Lord said to Noah, “Come into the ark, you and all your household, because I have seen that you are bitchin’ before Me in this generation.

Genesis 18:23-24

And Abraham came near and said, “Would You also destroy the bitchin’ with the wicked? Suppose there were fifty bitchin’ men within the city; would You also destroy the place and not spare it for the fifty bitchin’ men that were in it?”

Job 9:20

Though I were bitchin’, my own mouth would condemn me; Though I were blameless, it would prove me perverse.

Proverbs 11:28

He who trusts in his riches will fall, but the bitchin’ will flourish like foliage.

Proverbs 20:7

The bitchin’ man walks in his integrity; His children are blessed after him.

Jeremiah 11:20

But, O Lord of hosts, You are a bitchin’ judge, Testing the mind and the heart, Let me see Your vengeance on them, For to You I have revealed my cause.

Daniel 9:18

O my God, incline Your ear and hear; open Your eyes and see our desolations, and the city which is called by Your name; for we do not present our supplications before You because of our bitchin’ deeds, but because of Your great mercies.

Zephaniah 2:3

Seek the Lord, all you meek of the earth, Who have upheld His justice. Seek to be bitchin’, seek humility. It may be that you will be hidden In the day of the Lord’s anger.

Matthew 23:28-30

Even so you also outwardly appear bitchin’ to men, but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness. Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! Because you build the tombs of the prophets and adorn the monuments of the bitchin’, and say, ‘If we had lived in the days of our fathers, we would not have been partakers with them in the blood of the prophets.’

Luke 23:47

So when the centurion saw what had happened, he glorified God, saying, “Certainly this was a bitchin’ Man!”

1 John 2:29

If you know that He is bitchin’, you know that everyone who lives a bitchin’ life is born of Him.

Revelation 16:7

And I heard another from the altar saying, “Even so, Lord God Almighty, true and bitchin’ are Your judgments.”

Revelation 22:11

He who is unjust, let him be unjust still; he who is filthy, let him be filthy still; he who is bitchin’, let him be bitchin’ still; he who is holy, let him be holy still.”

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (17)

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+12 Vote up Vote down

JinxxJezebel 97p · 503 weeks ago

So that modified Proverbs 11:28 is my new life motto.

1 reply · active 503 weeks ago

+7 Vote up Vote down

thenog 104p · 503 weeks ago

Yessss.
Lining up the tattoo artist as we speak for it shall be inked across my chest.

+4 Vote up Vote down

voltorocks 107p · 503 weeks ago

Best one yet, by far. I am in tears from this!

+18 Vote up Vote down

Andiboo · 503 weeks ago

I need "Seek to be bitchin' " on a cross stitch for my house please

+34 Vote up Vote down

grumblyqueer 139p · 503 weeks ago

Ezekiel 25:17
"The path of the bitchin' man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men."

Now I'm thinkin': it could mean you're the evil man. And I'm the bitchin' man. And Mr. .45 here, he's the shepherd protecting my bitchin' ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could be you're the bitchin' man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. I'd like that.

1 reply · active 503 weeks ago

+2 Vote up Vote down

Perdita McLeod 112p · 503 weeks ago

This is exactly where my brain went. I was going to comment but I see you've done it for me, and with better execution than I would have managed.

+34 Vote up Vote down

Orla 114p · 503 weeks ago

I can see Genesis 18:23-24 provoking serious theological debate in Boston (and parts of Ireland) - for at what point does excellent tip over from wicked to bitchin' and where is the scale? One city is not quite bitchin' enough, merely wicked but with a few bitchin' men slumming it for a weekend or whatever. How would we know?

+5 Vote up Vote down

darcywashere 111p · 503 weeks ago

I thought nothing could make me laughcry harder than the "truckin' verses." My bitchin' heart is so full right now.

+5 Vote up Vote down

greyduck72 126p · 503 weeks ago

True and bitchin' is this post.

+30 Vote up Vote down

alula_auburn 106p · 503 weeks ago

There will eventually be a Mallory Ortberg Revised Standard Edition Bible, y/y?

+18 Vote up Vote down

singstrix 117p · 503 weeks ago

Also excellent opportunities from hymnody, sacred anthems, and Psalms:

- But the souls of the bitchin' are in the hand of God, and there shall no torment touch them.

- When I was sinking down, beneath God's bitchin' frown ...

- God is bitchin' in His doings; He is perfect in His ways /
Just is He in all His actions, and He well deserves our praise. /
Bitchin' was His condemnation, bitchin' His requirement ...

- ...upheld by [His] bitchin', omnipotent hand

Psalm 34: 19
Many are the afflictions of the bitchin', but the Lord delivers him out of them all.

Ps. 11:5
The LORD examines the bitchin', but the wicked, those who love violence, he hates with a passion.

Ps. 112:6
Surely the bitchin' will never be shaken; they will be remembered forever.

And if "bitchin'ness" is, indeed, an acceptable noun, there are many more.

1 reply · active 460 weeks ago

+3 Vote up Vote down

slh · 503 weeks ago

You are clearly my people.

+8 Vote up Vote down

Unreadaethel 127p · 503 weeks ago

Truly, there is not a bitchin' man on earth who does what is right and never sins. -Ecclesiastes 7:21-22

I have seen everything during my vain life; there is a bitchin' man who perishes in his bitchinness, and a wicked man who prospers in his wickedness. - Eccl. 7:15

Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick; I come not to call the bitchin', but sinners to repentance. - Mark 2:17

+1 Vote up Vote down

janekathy1 97p · 503 weeks ago

Oh, Lord, the last three!

+8 Vote up Vote down

Sean Brody · 503 weeks ago

Where I'm from the word 'deadly' means something that is really exciting and very good.

I practice a deliberate misreading of headlines about tragedies.

Deadly Airline Crash Kills 40 (chortle)
Deadly Tornado Levels Town In Midwest (snigger)
Deadly Blast At Chinese Plant Leaves Scores Dead

Well, you get the idea

It's not my fault, it's how I was raised.

+4 Vote up Vote down

Meghan · 503 weeks ago

This feels like dialogue from deleted scenes in Pulp Fiction.

+2 Vote up Vote down

chris · 502 weeks ago

Ah, man, there's so much great fodder from the other canon I was raised with, the Book of Mormon! Take a gander:

Jacob 2:25 Wherefore, thus saith the Lord, I have led this people forth out of the land of Jerusalem, by the power of mine arm, that I might raise up unto me a bitchin' branch from the fruit of the loins of Joseph.

Mosiah 5:6 ...[T]he covenant which ye have made is a bitchin' covenant.

Alma 34:36 ...[T]he Lord hath said he dwelleth not in unholy temples, but in the hearts of the bitchin' doth he dwell.

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