Women Slipping Out Of Embraces In Western Art History -The Toast

Women Slipping Out Of Embraces In Western Art History

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on April 5, 2016 in Art

couple6

no, we mustn’t kiss again
Charles kissed someone and look what happened to him
Charles died of fever
well
just to be safe
we should never kiss again
i don’t understand
right before he died
he told me
Charles did
“it was the kissing that did it”
“fever-wise”
I never heard him say that
well
he did
and im telling you now so

couple7

listen its clear to me that you two belong together
i’m only in the way
what
you and that girl there
i will step aside and relinquish you to her
though it breaks my heart
darling, it’s just a drawing
it’s a drawing of you
no no
this sand-woman
i can see that she has your heart
i’ll go
don’t
please, don’t try to deny it
i could never stand between you and happiness
goodbye, Friederich

couple9

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmf
i’m sorry, Edwin
i’d love to kiss you
but my lips just don’t go any further than this

couple8

there, old girl
it’s done
no point tearing your heart out over it now
you did it, and it’s done, and you can relax, having done it at last
what’s that, darling?
nothing, dearest
only I’m so ready
ready?
happy
I’m so happy
i’m always mixing them up

couple5

are you listening?
mm? sorry?
what’s that
sorry darling, you know i can’t hear you when i’m drinking
throws the humors out of balance, listening and sipping liquids at the same time
physically dangerous, or at least impossible

couple4

i can’t bring myself to look
is the mustache still on it

couple3

the wider he buys his hats, the harder it is for him to lean in and kiss me
I’m told wide hats are very fashionable this year
and Demeritron knows I love a fashionable man

couple2

if you’ll just look here on the globe for a moment, I can –
I’ll turn my head and look when there’s something worth looking at
I have been gone nearly three years all in search of y –
I said
what I said

couple1

why can’t you be more like him

[Images via]

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (74)

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+266 Vote up Vote down

djm527 147p · 469 weeks ago

I'm too witches to stay, sorry.

+64 Vote up Vote down

Lizzie_Sidds 150p · 469 weeks ago

Oh look, two different pieces by my no-good melodramatic husband there. UGH. Men.

2 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+144 Vote up Vote down

FeuerroteZora 98p · 469 weeks ago

She's not so much drinking as she is trying to fit her entire face into that glass.

maybe if I purse my lips just right
the glass will swallow me
and I'll never have to listen to him again

3 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+103 Vote up Vote down

Frumiosa 141p · 469 weeks ago

UGH who comes onto a woman literally over someone's dead body?

12 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+16 Vote up Vote down

lemonack 114p · 469 weeks ago

That is literally just a line of my gpoys.

+32 Vote up Vote down

suzynjackson 117p · 469 weeks ago

Friederich, turn around! There are naked ladies frolicking!

+64 Vote up Vote down

logicbutton 128p · 469 weeks ago

Demeritron, the disapproval-dispensing robot.

+173 Vote up Vote down

melodieroschman 122p · 469 weeks ago

i can’t bring myself to look
is the mustache still on it

2 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+138 Vote up Vote down

irishbreakfasttime 128p · 469 weeks ago

Pretty sure the woman in #8 was giving the geography lecture until he walked up and took the globe out of her hands to do it better. She's just been sitting there stony-faced and holding her calipers in place, waiting for him to get the hint and put it back.

5 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+64 Vote up Vote down

kates · 469 weeks ago

Watch "Demeritron" become the next hipster baby name.

1 reply · active 469 weeks ago

+64 Vote up Vote down

praemunire · 469 weeks ago

"Sorry, I can't hear you over the wine."

Also:

"It's not just hats. Ruffs. Very wide ruffs. Fashionable for men *and* ladies."

1 reply · active 469 weeks ago

+17 Vote up Vote down

praemunire · 469 weeks ago

(Also, half the fun of these is trying to narrow down nationality and time period of painter if painting is unfamiliar.)

+57 Vote up Vote down

ayelltee 111p · 469 weeks ago

LOVE IT. You could have substituted "eeewwwwwwww" for every one of these women's dialogues....except for Big Ruff Woman, who's looking smug and satisfied that she put one over on Demeritron there.

+112 Vote up Vote down

mkpatter 114p · 469 weeks ago

I feel like this could also be called, "Women Trying to Politely Disengage from Heterosexuality in Western Art History."

1 reply · active 469 weeks ago

+22 Vote up Vote down

grumblyqueer 139p · 469 weeks ago

I'll bet Kissing Fever becomes the hot new sick day excuse. Can't manage the pallor to fake mono? Have you asked off for your period so often that HR will know if it's irregular? Try Kissing Fever today!

1 reply · active 469 weeks ago

+37 Vote up Vote down

Ordinarily 103p · 469 weeks ago

So, I've definitely tried to break up with someone by saying something like #2... not a drawing. I don't remember who but it was something like "oh that girl that you are always talking to would be so much better for you so I will leave you to it"

It didn't work :(

+22 Vote up Vote down

betsymore 124p · 469 weeks ago

Just me, or does the woman in #2 look like she's about to flip Friedrich over her shoulder in a badass judo move?

4 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+22 Vote up Vote down

amoamare 122p · 469 weeks ago

Wine Lady is definitely thinking, "If he doesn't take his grubby hand off my jug of wine I'm going to have to smash this glass and stab him with it."

1 reply · active 469 weeks ago

+36 Vote up Vote down

ScarlettHairdye 125p · 469 weeks ago

I think #4 is going to go full Black Widow on her wedding night.

If so, best of luck.

+24 Vote up Vote down

lemonadefish 112p · 469 weeks ago

physically dangerous, or at least impossible

+13 Vote up Vote down

VioletandIrises 120p · 469 weeks ago

#RememberCharles

The dress in #4 is possibly the LEAST flattering silhouette I have ever seen. Wow.

1 reply · active 469 weeks ago

+39 Vote up Vote down

LeenyRose 108p · 469 weeks ago

In #6 I love the photorealism of the satin skirt combined with the very little attention paid to head proportion.

3 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+22 Vote up Vote down

builtahouse 123p · 469 weeks ago

ok who read "Demeritron" in Key & Peele "East vs West Bowl" announcer voice?

anyone? just me? ok.

2 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+20 Vote up Vote down

Unreadaethel 127p · 469 weeks ago

Ok, but it wasn't a regular fever, Charles died of brain fever, and literally nobody knows what causes that. It might be kissing.

+6 Vote up Vote down

shaqattaq32 94p · 469 weeks ago

Wide hats omg.

+12 Vote up Vote down

PettyVengeanceFetish 88p · 469 weeks ago

Those last two are ice cold and I am here for it

+18 Vote up Vote down

alula_auburn 106p · 469 weeks ago

IDK why I never realized what brilliant anti-kissing/personal space accessories ruffs could be.

Also, I kinda covet #3's sleeves.

I love how the effigy on the tomb in #1 seems kind of disgusted and annoyed. "Dude. . .dude I'm right here. Literally. Right here. Can you maybe be a gross creeper I don't know, LITERALLY ANYWHERE ON EARTH EXCEPT ON TOP OF MY REMAINS?"

+10 Vote up Vote down

mizchalmers 125p · 469 weeks ago

Why can't they ALL be more like him?

+7 Vote up Vote down

wherenowwhatnext 76p · 469 weeks ago

#2 wants to get away from mr. muttonchops there to go join the nude ladies' beach party further down the beach in the background.

+16 Vote up Vote down

dancingcorvid 90p · 469 weeks ago

"my lips don't go any farther than this" = perfect

+8 Vote up Vote down

_bartleby 115p · 469 weeks ago

That woman next to Demeritron looks so proud of herself for figuring out the hat thing. "Yes, darling, that looks wonderful, but what about the 36" brim?"

+11 Vote up Vote down

caatness 98p · 469 weeks ago

I am so proud of myself right now. As a wee lass, I full on used the "but we'll get Kissing Disease, we musn't" as a reason not to kiss the pushy neighbor boy. He didn't buy it, but by then I had procured a long, sharp-ish stick and enough room to run, so everything worked out.

+4 Vote up Vote down

livingandcorporeal 93p · 469 weeks ago

I have to admit, the last one is my favorite. But I am a horrid ghoul.

1 reply · active 431 weeks ago

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