Every Track Listing From 1997’s “Middle Of Nowhere” And The Corresponding Beatles Song It Is Better Than -The Toast

Every Track Listing From 1997’s “Middle Of Nowhere” And The Corresponding Beatles Song It Is Better Than

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on May 12, 2016 in Music

Taylor Hanson was more important and more beautiful than Kurt Cobain and every song that Hanson ever wrote was better than the entire Beatles discography, don’t @ me

“Thinking of You” – “And I Love Her”
“MMMBop” > the entire White Album probably
“Weird” > “Tax Man”
“Speechless” > “The Fool On The Hill”
“Where’s the Love” > “Don’t Let Me Down”
“Yearbook” > “Eleanor Rigby”
“Look at You” > “Everybody’s Trying To Be My Baby”
“Lucy” > “Blackbird”
“I Will Come to You” > “Imagine”
“A Minute Without You” > “In My Life”
“Madeline” > fuck you John Lennon, you weren’t that great, and the Ringo Starr episode of the Simpsons was good but nothing special
“With You in Your Dreams” > “Michelle”
“Man from Milwaukee” > “Come Together”

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (151)

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+31 Vote up Vote down

annecara 125p · 463 weeks ago

BLASPHEMY

+153 Vote up Vote down

Unreadaethel 127p · 463 weeks ago

"Trolling with Mallory" is my new favorite thing.

1 reply · active 463 weeks ago

+31 Vote up Vote down

ElinorCadwaller 124p · 463 weeks ago

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW

+17 Vote up Vote down

Fitzy Chesterfield 102p · 463 weeks ago

You are a monster!

+71 Vote up Vote down

Emily K · 463 weeks ago

Imagining the fury this will/would inspire in so many people is lighting up my whole day right now.

1 reply · active 463 weeks ago

+101 Vote up Vote down

dreadfulwind 156p · 463 weeks ago

I am not of the correct age to understand Hanson, but I am SO HERE FOR BEATLES TRASH TALK IN GENERAL.

13 replies · active 463 weeks ago

+10 Vote up Vote down

atlasblue85 140p · 463 weeks ago

thank you

+17 Vote up Vote down

Fitzy Chesterfield 102p · 463 weeks ago

I am going to @ you so much, exclusively with Beatles and/or Hanson lyrics. I hope I'm not muted.

+25 Vote up Vote down

larsgarvey 104p · 463 weeks ago

"'Madeline' > fuck you John Lennon, you weren’t that great, and the Ringo Starr episode of the Simpsons was good but nothing special."

And this is something my friend Lauren would say, right after someone talked about how they enjoyed the White Album or Sgt. Pepper's.

+75 Vote up Vote down

AVincennes 133p · 463 weeks ago

Also better than Tax Man:
Crazy Town's Butterfly
The entirety of Panic! At The Disco's first LP
The above but Gym Class Heroes
That Puddle Of Mudd song with the chorus "I LOVE THE WAY YOU GRAB MY ASS"
The soundtrack of a "Transformers" movie
An angry hyrax

13 replies · active 463 weeks ago

+18 Vote up Vote down

safi · 463 weeks ago

sub The Minutemen for Hanson and you've described one of my favorite IRL trolling gambits with music dudes.

OK not actually trolling because I believe with my whole heart that D Boon died for my sins but it's very satisfying to watch their eyes bug out and their brains explode.

1 reply · active 463 weeks ago

+73 Vote up Vote down

speakingofcake 119p · 463 weeks ago

I can't WAIT for the Deleted Comments on this one!

2 replies · active 463 weeks ago

+38 Vote up Vote down

mooocheller 115p · 463 weeks ago

Ahem. "Imagine" is a John Lennon song, not a Beatles song. *leaves room quietly*

7 replies · active 463 weeks ago

+60 Vote up Vote down

paperbgprincess 107p · 463 weeks ago

I had this conversation with a friend recently:

Me: "I was secretly a huge Hanson fan at the beginning of college."
Him: "I've got news for you ..... that wasn't a secret."
Me: "Ok, but you didn't know about the fanfic..."
Him: "Well, I secretly spent a LOT of hours on Survivor message boards."
Me: "Yeah, that wasn't a secret either."

7 replies · active 463 weeks ago

+15 Vote up Vote down

cruelshy 72p · 463 weeks ago

*raised hands emoji*

+19 Vote up Vote down

awnutts 127p · 463 weeks ago

This album is perfect and I find no lies here

+52 Vote up Vote down

the_slapdash 100p · 463 weeks ago

As a former teenage Goth who really loved this album and hid that fact from literally everyone in the entire world, I am full of happiness right now.

2 replies · active 463 weeks ago

+9 Vote up Vote down

gripyfish 109p · 463 weeks ago

This post has inspired me to add even more Hanson songs to my iPod when I get home tonight.

+16 Vote up Vote down

ksek 140p · 463 weeks ago

Basically agree, but Isaac was the best Hanson.

+30 Vote up Vote down

ijusteatit 2p · 463 weeks ago

I just watched all of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and cannot get Shanson's YumBip out of my mind. Now that sounds like music!

1 reply · active 463 weeks ago

+110 Vote up Vote down

ppyajunebug 137p · 463 weeks ago

the deleted comments on this post tho

come at me beatles bros

2 replies · active 463 weeks ago

+19 Vote up Vote down

crawlkill 129p · 463 weeks ago

this club can't even @ddle me right now

+9 Vote up Vote down

Autumn Grey Midhir · 463 weeks ago

I'm going to take this post completely seriously.
No, really.

+129 Vote up Vote down

awnutts 127p · 463 weeks ago

Also, the greatest achievement of Occupy Wall Street was this protester interviewing an old wall street businessman. The conversation was as follows:

Old White Banker: "But, really, all important things have come from the 1%. We are the elite, building the world. Name one person who has created something valuable who didn't come from the 1%"
Protestor: "Do you like the Beatles?"
OWB: "...........Okay, the Beatles."

Because it is physically impossible for a white baby boomer man to disparage the Beatles! Like, that protester KNEW HIS AUDIENCE

2 replies · active 463 weeks ago

+82 Vote up Vote down

VioletandIrises 120p · 463 weeks ago

I hate mountain goats.

1 reply · active 463 weeks ago

+23 Vote up Vote down

deenuhh 105p · 463 weeks ago

ughhhhh now I have MMMbop stuck in my head. THANKS MALLORY.

+20 Vote up Vote down

chaarulatha 131p · 463 weeks ago

*waiting gleefully for classic rock bros to show up*

+28 Vote up Vote down

logicbutton 128p · 463 weeks ago

I have few opinions on the Beatles and even fewer on Hanson and will henceforth consider this post my personal bible regardless.

2 replies · active 463 weeks ago

+28 Vote up Vote down

builtahouse 123p · 463 weeks ago

ahahahahahahahahahaha I was once was subjected to an ENTIRE "best of" Beatles album on a roadtrip, by one of my best friends and her (future husband) guy she thought might like her, singing along in the backseat like little hippie chickadees.

The driver and it just grit our teeth through it, but when it was suggested that we start the cd again from screen, I nearly ejected the cd and threw it out the window.

"...you said you had some Billy Joel?" I asked hopefully, instead.

13 replies · active 463 weeks ago

+43 Vote up Vote down

illyria83 116p · 463 weeks ago

Spotify #TBT playlist today is all 1997, in case you're now in the mood.
"Sunny came home to her favorite room. Sunny sat down in the kitchen..." (That song IS better than the Beatles.)
Bye, ya'll... I'm 14 with my Walkman in hand.

2 replies · active 463 weeks ago

+8 Vote up Vote down

aqwaplop 143p · 463 weeks ago

Yes, but conspicuously missing from this list is the fact that "Temporary Secretary" is better than all songs so far mentioned.

>;)

+25 Vote up Vote down

lavaloving 98p · 463 weeks ago

Does anyone else realize that the 20 year anniversary of this album is LESS THAN A YEAR AWAY!!!

Who's up for a toastie anniversary party!!! May 6, 1917

6 replies · active 463 weeks ago

+24 Vote up Vote down

kaylynuke 0p · 463 weeks ago

Side note: why isn't there a tshirt or tote w/ "don't @ me" yet???

+20 Vote up Vote down

halloweenjack64 115p · 463 weeks ago

I usually enjoy your little jests, but really, Mallory.

+18 Vote up Vote down

alliana07 128p · 463 weeks ago

I just came back from a very long meeting, saw this, and squealed. You are a woman after my 11 year old heart, Mallory. (Okay lbr, that would be 11-18 year old heart and possibly faaaaar beyond because I've never stopped liking them.)

1 reply · active 463 weeks ago

+10 Vote up Vote down

Hoolia · 463 weeks ago

I have already been listening to MMMbop on repeat for the last two weeks for no good reason, despite being too old to have been into it when it was the thing; therefore you did NOT succeed in getting it stuck in my head because it was already there, so HA!

1 reply · active 463 weeks ago

+32 Vote up Vote down

rolotomassi5 103p · 463 weeks ago

+18 Vote up Vote down

megotelek 112p · 463 weeks ago

MMMBop is the most perfect pop song to ever exist anywhere in the universe. Truth.

1 reply · active 463 weeks ago

+28 Vote up Vote down

dissolver 124p · 463 weeks ago

Two of my HS friends were, respectively, a giant Hanson fan and a giant Beatles fan. I am ALMOST tempted to send this to both and see the bloodsport that ensues.

+83 Vote up Vote down

shellygrrl 98p · 463 weeks ago

As far as I know, the Hanson brothers have never been abusive toward their spouses, so that already makes them better than The Beatles, y/y?

+30 Vote up Vote down

damanoid 134p · 463 weeks ago

Measured a certain way, Hanson was bigger than two Jesuses.

+12 Vote up Vote down

damanoid 134p · 463 weeks ago

Hanson once shot the Beatles in their sleep just for snoring too loud.

+21 Vote up Vote down

ectocool · 463 weeks ago

My favorite Beatles song is Yellow Submarine, which is a form of trolling in itself.

2 replies · active 463 weeks ago

+16 Vote up Vote down

damanoid 134p · 463 weeks ago

Literally a billion people claim they were at the San Jose Civic Center concert when Hanson opened for Deep Blue Something.

+40 Vote up Vote down

Kizzo · 463 weeks ago

If ever there was a post more perfect for the "Creed arms into a sea of haters" tag, I have not found it

+24 Vote up Vote down

miprisci 132p · 463 weeks ago

Yeah well possums are better than Hanson.

1 reply · active 463 weeks ago

+6 Vote up Vote down

hannahhdg 92p · 463 weeks ago

🙏 🙌🏿 🙏

+13 Vote up Vote down

Megs · 463 weeks ago

I will give you most of these, but I'm going to have to fight you over Blackbird. Just to warn you, I am totally prepared to die on this hill.

Blackbird is beautiful and inspired by some of my home state's ugliest history.

Come at me! (Please read this with the large amount of levity with which it is intended)

1 reply · active 434 weeks ago

+20 Vote up Vote down

damanoid 134p · 463 weeks ago

Wherever one stands on the eternal Hanson/Beatles debate, I think all reasonable people can agree that the Monkees kicked both their asses.

1 reply · active 463 weeks ago

+9 Vote up Vote down

aintnothingtoit 105p · 463 weeks ago

I don't know any Hanson at all, so I have no side to pick on this debate. But "Don't Let Me Down" is the sexiest and possibly most underrated Beatles song and I STAND BY THAT.

2 replies · active 463 weeks ago

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