To: All third-floor employees
Date: Oct. 9, 8:00 AM PDT
Subject: Thermostat
Dear employees,
Recently we have received a number of complaints about the temperature settings on the third floor. Normally this would not be a matter that would be brought to my attention, but reports have reached my ears of a war brewing between you, of covert late-night operations to push the thermostat a degree or two in your favor, of unauthorized memos titled “IT’S TOO COLD IN HERE” sent to a select few, and I felt I must intervene.
I have heard of space heaters stolen out of unwatched offices. I have heard of meetings interrupted by malcontents who insist one conference room is colder than another. I have heard stories that would chill your heart and make your blood run cold, were it not a frozen sludge already.
As your employer, I feel it is my duty to intervene where negotiations have failed. Your comfort and happiness are, of course, of paramount importance to me, and I tell you this for your own good: The office is not too cold. The office has never been too cold. You are weak, and your cardigans make you look pathetic and you will never be offered a promotion.
Did Andrew Carnegie decide to lay off Bessemering steel because it was “too cold” in nineteenth-century Pennsylvania? He did not. He Bessemered all the steel he could find until a grateful nation built him a library as a token of their appreciation. Did George Washington complain Valley Forge was “too cold” to fight the British? He did not. He stayed there all winter, no matter how many of his soldiers’ feet froze off, and he got the job done. Did the Little Match Girl decide to turn in and have a cozy night by the fire in a cushy workhouse because it was “too cold” to move the rest of her merchandise? I don’t know; I never finished The Little Match Girl, I’m a very busy man.
Sharon tells me the Little Match Girl didn’t either. She may have frozen to death, but I’ll bet dollars to donuts she sold the last of her matches first. That’s the kind of attitude I’d like to see a little more of around here. We give you an opt-in partial dental plan and bagels every other Friday, but sometimes I wonder just how many of you would be willing to freeze to death selling matches for this company, if we sold matches.
You are beneficiaries of this great American legacy, and look at how you have squandered your inheritance. You make me sick, all of you. Those sweaters look ridiculous. Take them off. This is an office, not a sweater festival.
You shivering knockabouts do realize, I hope, that it is only October, and that it’s going to get a great deal colder before it starts getting warmer. Is this the kind of behavior I can expect from you in January after the pipes freeze? Taking off your work shoes at your desk and putting on house slippers and Ugg boots? Cubicle walls don’t cover everything. I see things. I know things.
The thermostat stays as it is. I will encase it in ice, I will wreathe it in enchantments, I will destroy it with my own two hands before I see you simple, heat-hungry beasts tamper with its icy perfection again. I will tear this building down to the roots and watch your teeth chatter and your lips blister and go blue, watch you twist and sway in the winter wind, before I will see you turn this office into an opium den of warmth and indolence. The next miserable dog among you who suggests we adjust the thermostat to 71° will be placed on three seasonal party-planning committees and buried in project management.
Also, next Friday will be early-release for all employees who do not telecommute.
Sincerely,
S____
It’s so cold I’m going to set myself on fire.
There are two solutions for complaining about how cold your office is:
1. Bring a sweater
2. Go die
Either way is fine with me if I never have to make small talk with you about the office temperature ever again.
But that building is always freezing! Why do you think I wore fingerless gloves at my desk every day?
Because fingerless gloves are sexy, per Leslie Knope.
I’ve been wearing fingerless compression gloves b/c my hands hurt and I have gotten SO MANY compliments on them. They are brown and boring, but apparently people dig them.
Mallory, I can only assume you’ve hacked into my work email and are now sharing it with the world. 🙁 🙁 🙁
Pretty sure we gave her that right in the Toast Terms of Service… damn fine print.
But cold offices create a pretext for drinking endless amounts of tea!
But 60 degrees is too cold it JUST IS and I will never stop complaining. Not sorry.
IT REALLY IS
Ha, this is great. I once sat directly in between one iron-deficient co-worker and one menopausal coworker and the thermostat wars were EPIC. We had control over our thermostat, and each of them would take turns surreptitiously adjusting it while glaring at everyone in the room. My boss eventually told them that she was no longer mediating their thermostat crisis and would literally put her hands over her ears when they began bickering about the temperature.
“There is no mention of turkish delight in the breakroom, but I assure you, it shall be always winter and never Christmas herein.”
perfection
From you that means a great deal. Thank you.
aww! <3 u sneakie!
That’s exactly what I though of as well after reading this.
SO … is it poor form to bring a hot water bottle to work?
I used to work in an old building with terrible insulation and people had space heaters and blankets and wore fingerless gloves. Bring your hot water bottle! No shame!
I have one in a desk drawer.
I love everything about this, mostly that it is channeling my inner Darwinist. ADAPT OR DIE, REPTILES!
“This is an office, not a sweater festival.”
*gets curious*
*Googles*
Result:
That does look very little like an office.
I will never forget or forgive the woman who walked around our office with a straight-up BLANKET wrapped around her shoulders, like a toddler pretending to be superman.
I HAVE A GRANNY BLANKET ON MY LAP AT ALL TIMES forgive me
LAP IS OKAY. But blankee around your shoulders in the office kitchen? COME ON
And this wasn’t a shawl. It was an actual blanket.
Blankets around the shoulders had a comeback following the release of Lincoln, the movie.
My coworker does that with shawls, only she’s channeling Stevie Nicks by way of Santa Fe and so it all looks rather stylish.
I work at a freezing school library and I keep a blanket in the cabinet. BUT I keep it just over my legs/under the desk (sort of Deborah Kerr at the end of An Affair to Remember) and I fling it under the desk should I need to get up and help someone. Blanket-cape wearing is not acceptable.
I literally have a pink fleece blanket with kittens frolicking on it sitting over my legs right now. Plus my corduroys and hoodie.
We have blankets at work! The company actually made them and gave them out as holiday gifts one year so we all have blankets emblazoned with the company name. Other holiday gifts have included travel thermoses and fingerless gloves.
Honestly I’d rather it be too cold than too warm. I can put warm clothes on and huddle under my company blanket, but nobody wants me to strip down to my camisole because I’m overwarm.
What about if it’s too hot? BECAUSE MY HEAT IS ON ALREADY AND I HATE IT AND HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT AT ALL.
Open a window.
Noooo shit. (They are open all the time).
This is why fashionable shawls exist, right?
Indeed. This is why I make my own.
I would laughcry, but I don’t want my tears to freeze to my face.
YES IT IS, IT IS TOO COLD
/wearing a hat, gloves, and scarf at desk
<share>
2 real, Mallory, 2 real
Is it just me or has this gotten worse over the last 10 years?
Like, climate change is coming and we need to air-condition because it was hot all summer and it’ll probably be even hotter next year? Never mind that it’s 60 degrees out now?
What’s worse: I live in New England. NEW ENGLAND. Full. Force. Climate. Control. Everywhere. Year. Round.
It has gotten worse, in no small part because the people who run things have finally figured out that paying for climate control is still cheaper than paying for overheated computers that crash all the time.
Yes, this is my office too. all the women are cold and all the men are comfortable. Fuckers.
Coworker and I were discussing how boobs are the first thing to get cold, male coworkers were nonplussed (and probably not even cold). BRB, inventing boob-muffs (like ear muffs but for boobs).
noo the hand that is on my mouse! it turns blue!
Tangentially related, but I never realized how cold boobs could get until I went to Portland’s naked bike ride. I went topless, and after about an hour of boobs bared to the night air, they were so cold that they actually did not thaw for almost an hour afterwards. It felt like I had ice packs strapped to my otherwise warm body, and it was the weirdest thing I’ve ever felt. Please make the boob-muffs!
THEY ARE CALLED SHIRTS AND YOU COULD HAVE WORN ONE YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF
I mean, not to be nudity-negative, but yeah man, you ride your bike without a shirt on and you’re gonna get cold titties.
Haha, yeah, clearly that is a basic life fact. I was just surprised by HOW cold! If I had thought about it at all beforehand, I would have thought they would at least warm back up at the same rate as the rest of my body. I hadn’t properly considered boob-physics, and that is my own damn fault.
Also, traditionally, the idea is that offices are cold because men are in suits right??
Like, when it’s 90 degrees outside I want to wear a cute dress and bare legs, but then I get to work and have to throw a sweater on, that’s not right.
Patriarchy, etc etc
The visual here is stunning. I’m picturing big furry donuts encasing my bosom and I’m in silent fits of laughter. I will not be able to explain this to any of my coworkers.
Should I invent the electric bra? It’s like an electric blanket, you just have to unplug it to go anywhere. I don’t think battery packs are gonna work.
Can it come with a USB cable so it can be plugged into one’s computer for power?
Yes it is powered with an iPhone charger and comes with a 2007 ipod nano w/ sport/bra clip. Electric Bra is also an external hard drive.
Toast, you are staring directly into my shivering soul today. Any more insights you’d like to make as you peel me like Aslan peeled Eustace-the-dragon?
why can I only upvote this Narnia reference once, there must be some sort of error
I have a snuggie in my cubicle. No shame.
When my desk was under an A/C vent, I had this giant sweater thing that I “borrowed” from a friend down the hall. It was basically a giant wool bathrobe, but it was black, and therefore I could pretend it was office-appropriate.
Was this written by my father and/or my husband? Apparently anything over 67 is “too damn hot”, so you need to put some socks and a sweater on. And another sweater. Maybe a hat.
We recently moves to a LEEED Quadruple platinum gold record somethingerother building, and it has been the best cure for the freezing office. We are saving the Earth, apparently (even though the automatic toilet flushes like 4 times while you are peeing every time), so the AC is not run like a meat locker’s cooling system, and all the floor to ceiling windows make it feel like a cozy greenhouse. I am a little scared for the winter, and the possible season of Cormac McCarthy-style foraging and bleakness ahead, but I’m hoping the greenhouse windows will actually serve to keep it warm.
I expect that third E is a typo, but I like to imagine that it represents an extra environmental achievement beyond the Quadruple Platinum level (like, the LEED people have never heard of the word “quintuple” so they say “how to we represent more? oh let’s just add another E”).
The typo E probably stands for “Extra Toilet Flushes because the damn sensor somehow thinks you’re leaving the stall but really you have JUST STARTED to pee.”
John Paul Jones, on the toilet.
Perfect.
My office is freezing. Unfortunately, it’s in my apt, and the landlord hasn’t turned the heat on yet. I think I might have to wait it out until Oct. 15?
I just moved into a new office a few weeks ago and it has its own heating/cooling unit with its own thermostat and a big window right behind my desk that creates a great greenhouse effect and I am warm all the time now. I also want to nap all the time, which I suppose is why offices are so cold. That, and men in suits.
My students are in the computer lab today, which is freezing of course, but I planned ahead and wore a sweater and I’M STILL SO COLD!
My pregnancy apps say that I should be hotter now that I’m pregnant, but I’m more cold instead. I think the baby is stealing all of my body heat and wrapping it around him/herself like a blanket.
once it is born you will be able to use it as a heating unit, as the Mexicans traditionally do with chihuahuas – babies give off so much heat it’s crazy. they also sweat a lot though.
Wait, isn’t Mexico warm
Is that real chihuahua fact??
I vaguely remember hearing or reading it somewhere once, so, YES 100% fact.
I thought it was xoloitzcuintlis, which are hairless. They were believed to have healing properties, possibly because they made such effective hot water bottles. Bonus: totally cuter than a chihuahua!
oh my GOD I must have one.
Yep. I spent much of the summer damp from the tiny furnace clinging to my torso.
While my office appeared sympathetic to the fact that my departments office space is actually 10 degrees colder at all times than any other part of the building, I do sometimes wonder if they don’t actually feel this way about my office mates and me when we turn on our space heater in August.
I was going to accuse you of spying on my office until I got to this bit: “Your comfort and happiness are, of course, of paramount importance to me.”
HAHAHAHAHAHgodiwish
But we are approaching the winter season so it will doubtless turn into a sauna in here, and we have no windows to open to offset it.
I dated a guy who worked in HVAC. The relationship ended in tears and recrimination, but I did come away with a handy bit of advice: get a grow pad, like you use for sprouting seeds, and place it under a desk pad or large calendar on your desk. Instant warmth.
I LOVE THIS. UNCAPATALIZED WORDS ARE INSUFFICIENT FOR DESCRIBING MY LOVE.
I had a coworker who would come into the office from outside and walk directly to the thermostat and play with it. Pissed me off every time. Wait till you adjust to the indoor temperature first lady before messing with it.
That made me think of this: http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=24
“You still have most of your fingers”
Who are these freezing people? I was at a staff meeting yesterday and everyone was wearing shawls except me with the sleeveless top. Made me start worrying about the likelihood of menopause for women under 30.
I spent last weekend in a new building, freezing to the point where I often could not feel my toes. Round about February, our one heating/cooling unit stopped working entirely and the interior temperature dropped to around 50 (or maybe that’s as low as our thermostat is able to display). When we finally got facilities out, we learned that the unit was never intended to be our main source of heat–it was supposed to be the sub-floor heating system. Which had a broken boiler. And was circulating 40-degree water under our numb feet all day.
It finally got fixed and we got the drafty windows replaced and now things are toasty again and I do not cry at the thought of December. But I will be bringing in a lap rug, just in case.
I spent last weekend in a new building, freezing to the point where I often could not feel my toes. Round about February, our one heating/cooling unit stopped working entirely and the interior temperature dropped to around 50 (or maybe that's as low as our thermostat is able to display). When we finally got facilities out, we learned that the unit was never intended to be our main source of heat–it was supposed to be the sub-floor heating system. Which had a broken boiler. And was circulating 40-degree water under our numb feet all day.
It finally got fixed and we got the drafty windows replaced and now things are toasty again and I do not cry at the thought of December. But I will be bringing in a lap rug, just in case.
Sometimes I do the collective office dishes just to feel the warm water on my hands.
I don’t think people who claim the office is too cold are weak. I think they’re just malicious. I think they know that it gets too hot in here, they’re just willing to suffer the sweltering excessive heat so long as it means others are uncomfortable too.
Sincerely, Shite
or
Sincerely, Santa?
Sincerely, Shite
or
Sincerely, Santa?