“Texts From,” The Book

by Mallory Ortberg · December 2, 2013

250px-Byron_1824Would you like to read a book with your best friends William Carlos Williams and Emily Dickinson and Lord Byron and William Blake and T.S. Eliot? How fortunate for you that this dream will soon become a reality. Thanks to the combined and industrious efforts of Kate McKean (agent of self) and Allison Alder (editor of self) at Holt, the day is not too far off that you will be able to hold assorted, fictional text messages from literary characters who do not in fact exist in your hot little hands.

It will be very fun, and you will enjoy it, I can assure you. The road was long and the road was wearying but the world will not have to go without a bound aggregation of my jokes about the Western Canon for much longer.

(For those of you thinking to yourselves Oh dear, another Internet joke book; do I really have it in me to make another trip to Urban Outfitters, please rest assured that my second book will be a 600-page Russian novel. The themes will be infinitude and despair. It will be just a miserable experience, I promise.)

Sincerely,

Mallory Ortberg (writer of self)

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77 Comments

  4. yahtzii +71

    And the heavens opened and the angels sang and all the saints furiously texted each other the glad tidings, and Jesus himself proclaimed unto all “who does a bitch have to call to get Texts from the New Testament”.

  7. highjump +5

    I know you’re not some kind of ‘texts from’ DJ but the Russian novel thing reminded me, if there was a Texts From [Any Character in Master and Margarita] that would be so amazing and I would be forever grateful.

      3. Suzan Eraslan

        I read it twice in January of this year alone, and I never reread books. It is the best thing ever.

      4. lilsebastian01 +1

        My friend, whose favorite book is Master and Margarita, says that the Diana Lewis and Katherine Tiernana O’Connor translation from Random House is the only correct one to read, and all the other ones are terrible.

  13. Danny +15

    Will it have texts from a ghost? Please tell me it will.

    Also I think I would read anything written by you, and by a happy coincidence I also love Russian literature, so you have at least one sale for your second novel.

  18. bustedsneakers +24

    Man. Texts From and Hyperbole and a Half. Guests are never going to leave my washroom and or guest room*, ever.

    *futon.

    *hahaha, rooms.

  27. dakimel +8

    Well, I think this sucks and is an awful idea and also ridiculous and stupid and a waste of the universe’s supply of paper and ink and cardboard and cover artists and typestyles.

    (Alternately, I’m ecstatic. Whichever.)

  28. TiaBaheri +5

    I am happier about this than any good thing that has happened to me in the past…I can’t remember when. I want you to write so many books that you can get your own little section in libraries.

  33. paperbgprincess +15

    This is exciting! But also, where can I buy a misandrist tshirt like the one tweeted this weekend? Let me give you more of my money.

  34. Redcrow +2

    Congratulations! (Even though I’ll never be able to buy it, most likely. Whatever. I’ll just be happy for everyone else.)

  35. amativus +22

    Can I order this as a set with Misandrist Lullabies? It would be the best possible present for all future baby showers I ever attend.

  36. MrsHuntingCreek

    Wonderful news! Can we request texts? Texts from e e cummings would be ever so wonderful

  39. SwagHorse +5

    HEAVY BREATHING

    WE WANTS IT PRECIOUSSSS WE WANTS IIIIIIIIT

    {oh congratulations or something I guess??? yeah)

  40. LaughableWalrus +1

    Just announced this to my (tiny tiny) office. Figured it would be fair warning for when I start carrying the book around and trying to make everyone read it. I’m so glad I’ll now be able to enthusiastically share this in real life as well as on all my best friends’ (now defined as anyone I think will enjoy the Toast) Facebook pages!

  48. Jesse H +3

    NICE!

    (I love how Kate McKean is the agent of everyone I know, even if I don’t ACTUALLY know Mallory…. Hi Kate!)

  50. emdash +2

    Just literally flopped my hands around at the wrists and made a high-pitched squealing noise.

  51. MrsTeacherFace +6

    I wonder if I can talk my department into ordering a bunch of these for our English classes. HOW AWESOME would a Mallory Ortberg required text be?

  54. carolinecrale +1

    i love when great things happen to great people. congratulations, i can’t wait to read it!!!!!

  58. inapartydress +1

    I’m so late to this party, but I’m so excited!!! Everyone on my gift list is receiving this book and nothing else, FOREVER.

  61. ayaggy +2

    So aggravated to have been so laid out this week as to have not said this in real time: CONGRATULATIONS, and I will happily preorder this and the Russian novel-to-be, which you should probably just Kickstart, no pressure. My BFF and I (he was born on your birthday!) routinely text these back and forth to each other in Guess Who? form.