I haven't seen it yet, because I do not have five hours to watch a movie until Christmas break starts, but about Cumberbatch: does it actually sound like him? In the trailer the voice of Smaug sounded so overlaid with booming effects and raspiness and whatever else to make it sound dragonish that it could literally have been any British dude.

Oh god, all of this, yes. I'm feeling alone among my friends (online and IRL) for kind of not liking either of the Hobbit movies really at all. At least could we have a coherent plot besides this "hey buncha guys on a nebulous quest" thing? How about character development of any sort? Coherent scene changes? Anything, anything at all besides CGI baddies and superfluous fight scenes? I mean THROW US A BONE HERE, JACKSON.

Also, YAY another reason to love Gingerhaze.

I tried to resist because I'm not seeing it until Saturday, but I read this anyway and I'm not sad. Reserving judgment on Tauriel (instead of deciding she's a terrible idea out-of-hand) because my husband (who can [and frequently does] recite entire passages of Tolkien from memory) apparently thinks it's okay that Peter Jackson added her. But I'm glad to have your perspective, because what does he know?

I was horrendously bored (and made the mistake of taking in coffee, so also uncomfy and needing a wee) for the second half of the first Hobbit film, so this one is waiting for DVD. It's a shame - they did such a good job on the actual massive trilogy, milking this tiny book for the same is just ruining it a bit.

Mmm, Thorin and FiliKili...

#thorin is so hot always

YES, and also INFINITY YES to #16. Eh, I'm diggin the romance even though intellectually I know it's stupid, so stupid. I do like that Kili was In Distress all the time. WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON WITH ORLANDO BLOOM'S FACE

"if Peter Jackson wanted to appeal to women, he should have re-released Heavenly Creatures in IMAX 3D HFR and left The Hobbit intact." YES.

I hate to admit it but I would sideline my (currently not so ass-kicking) career for Thorin/Richard Armitage. The man gives me the vapors. For any of y'all who would like to partake of his non-dwarfy hotness, watch North and South or MI-5 (aka Spooks) on Netflix.

Oh my god Noelle Stevenson's comment made me nearly spit out my toast (reading Toast while Toasting yaaaas). Seriously though this list is so good, Nicole, you summed up basically all my thoughts perfectly. Except also: BARD IS HELLA CUTE, WOW

How in the hell did Tauriel even find time to fall in love with Kili? It was some magic love-at-first-glance bullshit, and I'll suspend my belief for magic rings and dragons and monstrous werewolves but I'll be damned if I believe that that romance would spring from the ether.

My plan to get blasted on sake before watching this movie tomorrow is sounding better and better.

Also Ginger Haze 5-EVA.

I don't know anything about any of these things, but I just wanted to express my goodwill towards Evangeline Lilly for being one of the few Lost actors still working post-Lost!

AHAHAHA I CAN'T EVEN DEAL WITH THIS WHOLE THING BECAUSE 'AT NIGHT ALL CATS ARE GREY'

amazing

I love Tauriel. I was ready to be all "ew romance" until I realized Kili was the damsel in distress and then I just giggled quietly for the five hours of the film

I'd pick up Bofur at a bar. #noregretz #allcatsgrey

Number 1) brings up a good point. Can Dwarves make babies with other races? We know Maia & Elves can (Melian + Thingol = Luthien) and we know Elves & Humans can (Tuor+ Idril = Earendil), but can Dwarves mate with Elves or Humans? I am writing some Legolas/Gimli slash/fic presupposing that Gimli was actually a lady-dwarf in disguise and this kind of information is pretty crucial for me to stick the landing.

I haven't read the books since middle school, so I remember nothing, hence all concerns for 'book purity' went out the window. Thranduil was so fabulously dickish though, and by Lee Pace's sheer fierceness alone the movies get a pass.

I got into LotR hardcore as a teenager, but I don't really have much emotional connection to the Hobbit (it was boring, and so was the Silmarillion COME AT ME) so it doesn't bother me that Jackson is screwing around with it. I do wish he'd screw around with it better, though, as his added scenes are pretty weak. I didn't mind Tauriel, but I would have preferred if they had just made Bard female. I liked it, though, and thought it was better than the first one. That might be mainly for the Bilbo/Smaug scenes, which were amazing.

The Mary Sue has a really good piece here pointing out that the dwarves themselves had no distinct personalities until they were brought to the screen and each given really distinct looks and mannerisms and personalities, which is absolutely a form of character invention/insertion where there was none before. 30 more Tauriels please. Re-insert Arwen into the battle at Helm's Deep. Kili is a lady. GIVE ME ALL OF IT.

ALSO, I LOVED THIS MOVIE. I don't think Tauriel is in lesbians with Kili, but just- god, he's like, not one of these blond assholes she works for, and he's kind of stupidly funny and adorable, why not check out how he's doing after that crazy barrel escape while you're also scouting to see if you can find any news about this upcoming epic battle coming up that's threatening your homeland? Oh, Kili is dying from an arrow wound and you know what would help because you had to take an elf first aid thing as part of your job in the Mirkwood Guard? She can do more than one thing at a time!

To paraphrase the i09's review: It's a terrible movie that I enjoyed tremendously.
Also:

LEE PACE SO HAMMY. His Thranduil was such a bitch and I absolutely LOVED it.

oh wait also, how are we neglecting #8? They could have cut out like, half the orc fighting and showed the Elf party, which I DESPERATELY wanted to see. Drunk hillbilly elves with their camp king! Yes please!

Burnsalot Goldyflaps was good and all, particularly for showing off Martin Freeman's incredible acting, but Thranduil was my favourite part -Lee Pace chewing on the scenery, bitching out everyone who stood still long enough, and looking remarkably like Jareth the Goblin King.

I realise that the heroes must face challenges and setbacks but it's starting to look like while Thorin is very good at brooding nobly, when it comes to Plans he is thick as pigshit.

Legolas's face! Legolas's glassy stare that substitutes for emotion! Legolas's pretty pirouette in the barrel fight scene! I don't know if he even had lines, I was too busy laughing hysterically every time he came on screen.

I agree with meanchelled above re: Tauriel. Why the hell shouldn't she strike out in traditional dissatisfied hero style, why should she be the sticking point in a movie that strays so far from the source material, what's so terrible about going "oops the nice one is dying that's a shame, I can actually help"? Kili still strikes me as a teenager over his head and seeing what he can get away with, and I'm completely unconvinced that either Legolas or Tauriel necessarily feel romantically about anyone, so that's fine, though it's a little patronising that they felt the need to stick in a ~dramatic love triangle~ in the first place. WHY WAS HIS HEAD IN THE WALNUTS THOUGH. WHY.

Needs more songs. Always more songs. In everything.

Can we talk about how ridiculous that barrel fighting scene was? I am all about bows and arrows and elves and shit, but c'mon Peter J.
Pro tip: take a shot every time Legolas looks surprised and angry at the same time. It's his only look.

I liked many things about Tauriel. Firstly, I love that Tauriel's youth and outlook highlights the one big weakness of elves, and immortality in general- when you've been on the earth for a few millenia, you forget how to care about things. I mean, freakin' Thranduil- for all his knowledge and magnificen(t bastardness)ce, can't see the forest for the trees, so to speak. Maybe his knowledge of Sauron gives him more reason to be afraid. Maybe that's part of the commentary on why our lives burn cruel and blind and short, but as beautiful and fiery as we can make them, while elves just become obsolete. Thrandy can probably understand a bee buzzing from miles away, but has forgotten that someone like a hobbit can actually change the course of history (not that that's happened yet, but the point still stands). It makes him an interesting character, that he's powerful (and faaaabulous) as all hell but essentially a coward. That's always been my issue with elves- they're wise and gorgeous and all, but they never do things. At the end of Return of the King, Elrond and Galadriel could still totally outwit and outfight anyone who comes at them without even getting dirty, but they're bored. They just give up. (Yes, major oversimplification, and I still need to read the Silmarillion, but still. Silly elves.)

And secondly, I'm agreeing with quite a few people upthread, but I love this list except for the slight Tauriel bashing. Her decision to heal Kili is tied pretty well into her earlier convo with Legolas about the growing evil the orcs represent. Plus Tauriel's just seen this gross orc dude chuckling about killing the "young archer", slowly and painfully. Thus, healing Kili will prevent a victory for the darkness, and he happens to be someone she has a friendly connection with, and so she does. And even then, I see their friendship as more akin to Eowyn and Merry than Aragorn and Arwen- bash buddies with common shoulder chips about how they're viewed in their respective cultures, rather than omgsoulmates. I loved how that connection was built organically from being willing to learn each other's differences, and it's a nice thematic precursor to Legolas and Gimli's relationship.

I think many peoples' issues with Tauriel could be solved by creating more female characters- if you're going to go off book, go big or go home, Jackson. That way Tauriel isn't stuck being the resident badass as well as political mastermind AND healy glowy ethereal elf lady. Not that she can't be, but I would definitely have loved a female lieutenant, or maybe a prissy elf sister, to at least pass the Bechdel test. Bard's daughters help a bit, but they're still kids, and they probably won't be the ones to help Bard with that arrow.