Because I cannot resist a sword-and-sandals movie, I saw The Legends of Hercules in 3D this week. (“This guy reminds me so much of Kellan Lutz,” I said repeatedly of the actor who played Hercules, right up through the credits when I learned that it was Kellan Lutz). In fact, the further back in time a movie is set, the likelier I am to see it; this is why I am the only human alive to have seen both One Million Years B.C. and 10,000 B.C.
As I watched this movie (truly excellent; his sword turns into a lightning-whip-sword at one point and you should go see it. You should also see The Eagle, if you haven’t already. Channing Tatum plays a Roman centurion and the kid from Billy Elliot plays his best friend, and if you would ask more from a movie I don’t know what will make you happy), I came to realize that gladiator movies rely more heavily on certain recurring characters than almost any other genre. I’m not sure why that is, exactly. There’s nothing about ‘the gladiator experience’ that necessitates the use of such specific tropes, but nevertheless, there they are, wearing booty shorts and little leather skirts and flinging metal discuses at one another. Here are three of my favorites:
The Character: The Gladiator Trader
Defining Traits: Never younger than sixty (and a hard sixty at that). Most commonly sports a ring of white hair around a bald pate, with a pointed grey beard. Has the look of a once-strong man gone more than slightly to seed; sounds like he is currently smoking a cigar, even though cigars have not yet been invented. He is never, ever taller than the Gladiator Protagonist, because no one is allowed to be taller or manlier than the Gladiator Protagonist. He is the most blasé man in the world. For someone with a relatively interesting and high-profile job — he purchases human men from every corner of the globe and trains them to fight at the highest professional level — he is just so over everything. You cannot impress him. “Time to buy some more men for my enormous blood cash-fights. Yawn.” Being completely undefeatable might elicit a raised eyebrow and a half-smile, but that’s about it.
The Rancor Keeper from Return of the Jedi cares more about his fighting stock than this guy. The only thing he cares about is making money, and he’s more than willing to listen to the half-baked suggestions of his newest recruit as long as they’re couched in financial consideration. “It’d make me more money if I took you to Rome, eh? Sold.” Once the Gladiator Protagonist has made him a lot of money, he takes a vaguely cheerful interest in his fortunes. “So you want to bring down the Emperor/retake your lands/murder the bastards who captured you, eh? Best of luck, lad. Win your next fight and I’ll even supply you with the ships and men you need.” He’s always happy to help, as long as they win the next fight, and it doesn’t require much actual effort. Almost as likely to cheerfully betray the hero, if it makes more sense to him. Is “Cheerful Neutral” a moral category? It should be; it perfectly describes him.
Most Commonly-Heard Lines: “I paid good money for you.” “You’re worth more to me if you’re alive” (generally used to explain why he is feeding/protecting/tending to the gladiator’s health in any way). “Why should I listen to you?”
Seen In: The Legend of Hercules, Spartacus, Gladiator, Spartacus: Blood and Sand, Ben-Hur
The Character: The Incest Guy
Defining Traits: Just as a certain kind of effeminacy was used in earlier films to telegraph wealth/decadence/moral corruption (Baron Harkonnen from Dune comes to mind), incestuous desires — whether actual or subtextual — are now the quickest way to let your audience know that this is a Bad Dude. Incest has, for whatever reason, become the new homosexuality for rich movie villains. I do not know why that is. I mean, I understand why incest is bad, obviously, but I am not sure why in the last twenty years filmmakers and authors all threw their hands up simultaneously and said “I dunno, make him be in love with his sister” when it came time to design bad guys. Usually combined with a heavy dose of Madness Eyes (wide-open, super-blue, full of seething horrors). Freaks out if said sister (or mother, but it’s usually sister) falls in love with the Gladiator Protagonist or otherwise hints at having slept outside of the family tree.
Most Commonly-Heard Lines: “I must have you,” “I will have you,” something about having someone. “Together we can”…something something. Rule together, rule the world, reforge a dynasty.
Seen In: Game of Thrones, Gladiator, Hercules, the 2011 remake of Conan the Barbarian which is arguably not a gladiator movie but I think merits inclusion anyhow, Django Unchained which is also arguably not a gladiator movie but does feature actual gladiatorial fighting, I, Claudius, Caligula
The Character: The Helpful Veteran
Defining Traits: The Helpful Veteran is a grizzled champion who, until the arrival of the Gladiator Protagonist, was the Gladiator Trader’s most prized fighter. He bears the Gladiator Protagonist no ill will for displacing or best him, though — that belongs to the Gladiator Challenger, who hates the Gladiator Protagonist and will almost certainly be killed at some point during the training sequence as a Mini-Boss before the Gladiator Protagonist is ready to slay All Of His Enemies. He is either Scottish/Celtic or North African, presumably because that’s as far as the Roman Empire stretched in either direction. His odds of surviving the film are 50/50.
Most Commonly-Heard Lines: I don’t know, something about the family he left behind.
Seen In: Gladiator, Spartacus, Spartacus: Blood and Sand, Centurion (again, not strictly a gladiator movie, but still a Roman-Empire-sword-and-sandals type of thing, with many of the same tropes in play), The Eagle.
