There will be times in your young and supple lives when the rules of polite social interaction conflict directly with your sense of integrity. Be prepared to compromise; your sense of integrity is neither so consistent nor so worth defending as you think. The following are a series of statements you must memorize and repeat word for word when “I’m so happy for you” is an abominable untruth and “Congratulations; you deserve this” a lie you cannot choke over your own thick and bitter tongue. Deploy them carefully; your secret must never out, no matter how strong your moral objections to this person’s joy.
The key here is 1) not to say anything that you could not defend in a court of law were your conversation transcribed without body language (“Your honor, that day truly was the day X experienced [undeserved good fortune], I merely restated the fact”) or verbal codes and 2) avoid saying anything so vague that your erstwhile friend/coworker/former lover becomes suspicious of your true feelings. The key is to deliver a mere statement of fact with the appearance of a compliment. You have not lied; they have not been made wise. The perfect crime.
“[Repeat the news you have just been told, word for word.] You must be so excited!” A statement of fact, followed by an educated guess as to their current emotional state. Perfectly safe.
“Wow, today’s the day [the important thing happens.] You must be so excited!” The same.
“You must be so excited.” They likely are, the giddy and undeserving idiot.
“Tell me all about it!” A mere request for more information. Should they choose to interpret this as a form of approval, that is not your fault.
“You’re kidding me”/”No way”/any expression of disbelief delivered in a marginally cheerful tone. Malice cloaked in friendship; this is particularly beautiful. Your disbelief is sincere; it is only your tone that makes it sound feigned.
“What did [any mutual friend] say when they heard the news?” Classic misdirection. Let them prattle on about the meaningless praise from their fawners and hangers-on while you silently plan your conversational escape.
Smiling, hugging. Be careful not to let your smile grow so wide that the bile escapes your throat. Humans are docile and credulous fools; simply bare your teeth for a few seconds at one of them and they become convinced you wish them well.
“I can’t believe it!” You truly cannot. Were there any justice in the world, their lungs would be on fire this very second.
“That’s so much money!/That’s so soon/That’s such an honor!” They will mentally tack on “and you deserve it” without your doing any further work. Let them preen. You will wait, and you will be ready.
Tags: a man’s got to have a code, lies, normal feelings normal smile, statements, truth
Did you know gluckschmerz is German for grim feelings at the joy and good news of others.
Now you know.
They need a word for the combination of gluckshmerz and active disappointment at anticipated but thwarted schadenfreude.
So glad someone has a word for this, and I’m not surprised it’s the same language as schadenfreude.
What did Gore Vidal say? “Every time a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies.”
Yup.
We hate it when our friends become successful, and if they’re Northern that makes it even worse…
Perfect.
“Oh, wowww! Oh, WOWWWW.” Wow is a versatile syllable. It will do all the work for you.
“That’s amazing!” This is true; you are amazed. If they do not read into that your implied judgment of their likelihood of success, that is their own shortcoming.
I like to go with “That’s great!” in recognition of the fact that a promotion, etc. is objectively a great thing to happen to a person without commenting on the fact that it is happening to a particular person.
“Yeah, cool.” and “Wowwww.” are my go-tos. Nodding copiously to signal that you’re paying attention.
Then, re-evaluating ever having to talk to this person again.
For Experienced Dissemblers Only: “Wow, that’s so BRAVE of you” or similar. This is for the experienced only as it lets slip a little of your doubt – but subtly, and only enough that you take some of the air out of their joy balloon.
At night, they will think it over, and you have your revenge.
And bonus, still utterly defendable. It IS brave of them, whatever it is.
“It’s so brave of you to wear stirrup pants with your body shape!”
–Jennifer Garner in Butter
I can always choke out “I am so happy for you!” because I am a lying liar who lies.
I will never say that sentence, not for anyone, not for any reason. Every single accomplishment any other human being racks up, no matter how wholly unrelated to me, is a direct attack on my own success.
For the sake of convenience, I limit this attitude to people who graduated from my alma mater as roughly the same time as me. So far, the only tangible effect is that I’ve missed out on Girls.
Eh. I’m too tired to feel attacked by anything right now, maybe when my girls are older I’ll have that vitality and ambition back.
Now I’m almost grateful I don’t know you, Mallory
Do you non-Southerners know that when a Southerner says “bless your heart” what she’s really saying is “I harbor so much rage towards you and want you to fuck off right now”?
“You got the contract? Well, bless your heart!”
“Mike’s getting married? Well, bless his heart!”
“She’s moving to that house up on Maple, the one with the porch, bless her heart.”
The phrase can also be used to call someone a dumbass in a sort of indirect way, e.g., “That boy couldn’t tell his head from his ass, bless his heart.” Or, it can also mean “poor thing” but in a condescending rather than sympathetic way.
(Source: Living in Alabama for 22 years, bless my heart.)
So, in terms of that kind of insult softener, are there any other people from the northern US who use “I love [him/her/you] dearly, but [insult]” in a similar way? I picked it up from my mother and now I say it allll the time.
South of the UK but yes, I use it all the time!
I picked this up from my mother too! Her phrases tend to be a mishmash of New York, California, and the UK, so I’m never quite sure where some of them come from ….
Yessss. I once heard a friend say “well, bless it’s little heart anyway” about a particularly unfortunate looking cake at a bake sale.
I want a Toast piece on Bless Your Heart.
I received schooling in this by my kindly (-seeming) displaced Southern office manager from a job a few years ago. It made me love her so much more to know she wasn’t, in actuality, made of cotton candy and sunbeams. Every time she said it to someone else, I would catch her eye, and we would try not to laugh. Miss her so much.
My very favorite Southern expression of hatred comes to me from a close relative of my roommate, who once said about another woman, “My spirit doesn’t witness to her spirit.”
Oh my Frogs that is SO GOOD.
I am going to use that all the time now.
Well, here’s another entry in the list of Reasons To Never Trust Any Positive Thing Anyone Ever Says To You Ever.
A while ago, there was an article of Mallory’s (here?) on how to respond to someone’s art that you hate.
I use her suggestion “you sure did that!” ALL THE TIME.
wait did i write that, that doesn’t sound familiar
Shit. Someone did.
It sounds kind of like Hyperbole and a Half to me? But that might not be so.
but i say some of these things and mean them in a positive way! do i need to find more definitive ways to express my actual happiness for others!?
NOOO! We need some sincere people to keep saying this stuff or the jig is up! Don’t blow it for us.
http://youtu.be/VozVSHq3hwc
hahaha this was exactly my thought when I read this
My grandfather, on being presented with an unattractive baby, would always exclaim “Now THERE’S a baby!” with great enthusiasm.
I use this with all babies, unattractive and not. Just for my frame of reference, what exactly qualifies as an attractive baby because swear to god I have no idea.
You will know if you ever see one. Most of them look like terrible deformed gnomes.
I just like to say “hello baby!”
This is perfection.
“Your baby! AMAZING!!”
“You MADE this [horrific demon child]!”
I use “Ohhh, LOOK at him/her!” but your grandfather’s might be better
Okay, here’s a puzzler for everyone: my boss recently got secret-engaged to his long-term girlfriend, whom he cheated on for years (years!) with a woman in our office. When I’m formally told of his engagement, how do I congratulate him while also believing that he is a disgusting excuse for a human being?
“Engaged! Wow.”
Not even a BREATH of actual approval, pure simple honesty, but people as selfish as your boss can only understand it as an expression of joy
Congratulations. How wonderful.
“Wow! I can’t believe it!”
“I’m sure you know all that I’m wishing you” Neil to Rose when he learns of her engagement to his brother in
” I Capture the Castle.”
A very handy statement; I employ it all the time.
YOU A GENIUS
My dad, a country doctor, would often be prompted by patients to make or agree with some kind of Christian statement. He is not a religious man and actually my mom banned him from coming to church, but he is respectful enough not to lie about praying for someone when he’s not. So he had a bunch of noncommittally religious things to say while nodding. I think “the Lord works in mysterious ways” and “the Lord fits the burden to the shoulders” were his favorites.
I am a big fan of “Oh jeez!/Oh wow!” with my coworkers. By changing tone, it is appropriate for:
-genial, personal interactions – eye rolling at HR policies together, general office bonding type conversations
-personal and/or family-related accomplishments (your daughter got into Shitty U? Oh wow!)
-personal and/or family-related setbacks (your daughter got into a fistfight with her roommate? Oh wow! alternatively – Your daughter’s professor canceled class again? Oh jeez!)
-reactions to news stories they come to tell me about – allows you to have an empathetic reaction, does not give away on what side of the story you fall on
Because I use it when we agree, they don’t know when I don’t!
The email version, which is super old (in internet years) but SO RELEVANT:
http://www.zefrank.com/punc/
I thought this was going to be the kind of post that tells you what to say when someone presents news and you don’t know whether it’s good or bad. But you don’t want to be on the wrong side of history by having the wrong reaction.
Example: your friend tells you she’s pregnant, you know it’s not expected, but maybe she’s kind of excited about it but you can’t tell from her tone of voice?
“That is big news. How do you feel about that?”
Then gauge the appropriate reaction by their response to your inquiry.
I like to pretend I am The Doge for these kinds of things.
wow
much sparkly
wow
such ring!
so soon
wow
Now imagining The Doge of Venice pretending to be excited over someone’s engagement. If there’s ever an excuse for faking goodwill, it’s as part of a matter of State and diplomatic duties.
What about: “That’s something!”
For your theater friends: “I saw you up on that stage!”
To an ex-boyfriend who was untalented but enthusiastic performer, my father once said:
“You sure looked like you were enjoying yourself up there!”
“It looks like you were having SO much fun!” is the surefire theatrical kiss of death. Along with “you sure LOOKED beautiful!”
Yep, we all know what THAT means. *wince*
“You really made it your own” is my go-to.
Hahahaha. “Yeah, you were there, alright! Wow!”
When given bat-shit crazy advice (especially handy when pregnant because it is SO VISIBLE and you are SO IN FOR BATSHIT CRAZY ADVICE): “I’ll keep that in mind.” This is my favorite thing ever to say.
“Oh? I’ve never heard that before.”
“Sounds like that worked really well for you!”
“Wow, what a unique approach!”
Ah, so timely.
Relevant: UCB’s sketch on How to Politely React to Your Friend’s Terrible Engagement. Employs many of these tactics! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VozVSHq3hwc
Mr. Fringehead describes people as “medium racist” all the time.
A colleague of mine introduced me to a statement, not so much a response to someone’s reprehensible-and-undeserved joy, but rather a response to someone being a pompous ass:
There we are, then.
You take the first letter of each word, see.
Ha!
“Wow, everything is really coming together for you.”
“Good to know.”
A helpful phrase when some one has communicated a demand which is phrased as something more passive such as an observation.
E.g.: “I really like it when someone does that for me.” “Good to know!”
The phrase allows you to acknowledge the statement without committing yourself to actually doing that for the OP.
Mallory, will you be my guide to faking appropriate human reactions through well veiled contempt? I could especially use help in reacting to bad news with “sympathy” (e.g. break ups, minor ailments, “I look so fat/I have gained so much weight,” work issues from people with great jobs).
My grandmother always uses some combination of the same two phrases. Originally, it was because she couldn’t find anything kind to say back to you – now it’s because she can’t hear what you said in the first place, bless her heart. They work remarkably well for both situations; (use your best internal Scarlett O’Hara voice to hear it correctly):
“My goodness, how about that! Well, isn’t that somethin’?”
I picked this up from my mother too! Her phrases tend to be a mishmash of New York, California, and the UK, so I'm never quite sure where some of them come from ….
It took me two years of living in Minnesota before I realized that when people there say “That’s interesting” in a neutral tone of voice, I should translate it as a very sarcastic “That’s …. interesting” from anywhere else. It’s now been years since I lived there, and I still can’t hear someone call something interesting without assuming that it’s a deep insult. Other pointed commentary from Minnesotans: a silence so brief that I don’t interpret it as awkward, and then a smooth change of subject.
It took me two years of living in Minnesota before I realized that when people there say "That's interesting" in a neutral tone of voice, I should translate it as a very sarcastic "That's …. interesting" from anywhere else. It's now been years since I lived there, and I still can't hear someone call something interesting without assuming that it's a deep insult. Other pointed commentary from Minnesotans: a silence so brief that I don't interpret it as awkward, and then a smooth change of subject.
Oh cool, someone transcribed the entire eight weeks I was engaged to man.
Oh cool, someone transcribed the entire eight weeks I was engaged to man.
Ahh! I love this. When people go on and on about how they’re the greatest DJ ever, or how they interned at the state capitol, or whatever, I use “No shit” accompanied by a vaguely incredulous tone. People almost always take it as a sound of approval. It’s not quite as great as saying “Hey, I think you’re seriously full of shit”, but it’s pretty satisfying. Plus, if you have a friend around that knows that’s your stock response, you get the added joy of sharing an inside joke.
My ex-boyfriend just proposed to my ex-roommate and I went searching for this article in honor of the occasion. Sigh. Congratulations, how wonderful.
I had to hunt this down for a similar situation.
*sigh*