Previous installments of The Toast’s advice column from two disparate and imperfect persons can be found here. Last time: Advice on Relationship Inertia and Past Badness.
In a post-Christmas cleanup effort, I’ve been trying to rid myself of excess baby stuff, including a huge box of diapers my daughter growth-spurted right past, and a bunch of formula that my OB-GYN pushed on me. I kept it in case breastfeeding didn’t work out, but it did, and I know that stuff is expensive, so I’d like it to go to someone who needs it. Ditto the diapers.
I attempted a donation to the local women’s shelter, but was told they don’t go through baby stuff fast enough to accept diapers or formula. She gave me the name of a local crisis pregnancy center instead. So now, I have a dilemma. This crisis pregnancy center is definitely the type of place that claims to be nonjudgmental but will absolutely pressure women not to have an abortion. On the other hand, they do appear to provide desperate new moms with donations. I hate to support manipulative pro-lifers, but on the other hand, maybe this is the best way to get expensive baby stuff to women who could use it?
What say you? And if I shouldn’t donate to the crisis pregnancy center, any ideas for how to pass this stuff on to someone who needs it?
Nicole: I can delightedly direct you to the National Diaper Bank Network, which has a list of diaper banks in the United States who would love to take your extra diapers. Hospitals are also happy to take closed packages like yours, and so are churches and most childcare facilities. As for formula, your local food bank is a great choice, and the Feeding America network can help you find one (when you call, ask if they want diapers too: they probably do.) Your impulse to give your things to new moms who are in desperate straits is very laudable, your hesitation to support organizations that lie to pregnant women is as well. Congratulations on your baby!
Mallory: There’s nothing else for me to say. Nicole used up all the links and the helpful mom advice. I think you should fling diapers and baby accoutrements into a crowded piazza at noon and become famous for your neonatal largesse. Tip in formula instead of half-dollar coins and those little libertarian tipping cards. Press bags of wet wipes into the laps of grateful bus drivers, then dissolve into the afternoon.
It recently came to light that my cousin was sexually abused by my uncle when he was a child. His parents separated when we were teenagers (we’re both in our early twenties now) and were not on particularly good terms leading up to this revelation. My cousin, since finishing high school, has been dealing with depression and other health problems as well as taking a fair bit of drugs (nothing too deathly habit forming, more weirdo hippie drugs I think). He has attempted suicide at least once. We’re related through our fathers, and he’s been conspicuously absent from our family gatherings in the past five years, and even skipped out on my cousin’s wedding in the town where he lives. So while hearing about the abuse was really shocking, for me it fit in with a lot of the behaviour going on in the past few years.
There is disagreement within my family about whether he’s telling the truth or not, which is absurd to me, but I understand that people react to this kind of news in very different ways. My aunt stands by my cousin, while my uncle denies that he abused him. My parents, also separated, are also split – my mom sides with my aunt and cousin (my aunt told her the news and my mom told me in turn) while my dad believes that the accusations are doubtful given that my cousin has a drug habit and has been mentally unstable in the past fews years (which I see as a result of abuse, not as evidence of a false accusation). I have a feeling my dad’s siblings probably see things the same way as him, as it is undoubtedly easier to side with their brother than to agree with my cousin who they’ve barely seen in recent years. They have decided not to tell my grandparents.
My problem is that I will probably have to see this uncle soon. I’m moving back to my hometown and he usually pops up when we go to visit my grandparents and see other relatives. He is already one of my least favourite people because he has been a huge asshole to me and other family members for years – saying thinly veiled homophobic comments to gay relatives, picking fights with me when I was a teenager, and generally being an overly aggressive burnt out stoner. I already didn’t enjoy seeing him, and I really, really dread seeing him now. How can I explain to my grandparents that I don’t want to see him without sharing a secret that isn’t mine to share? I’m not keen to devastate them for my own comfort. He’s the kind of person who would pick a fight with me and cause a scene if I tried to avoid him at a family gathering. Having to grit my teeth and exchange pleasantries with this person makes me feel sick to my stomach. Besides the issue of seeing my uncle, I’m generally feeling pretty lost on how to deal with this within my family. I’m feeling really out of my depth and would really appreciate any advice.
Nicole: You told me to go ahead and cut up your letter for space, which I appreciate, but chose not to, because I think what’s great about your letter is how it shows just how FUCKING COMPLICATED and difficult this kind of situation is. Family ruptures run deep, they have different fracture points, and trying to support your cousin while not devastating your grandparents can be really tricky. This, like the vast majority of real human problems, is beyond my paygrade, but I would start by talking to your cousin, if that’s something you do (it’s not super clear how close you are.) I think that just saying “hey, I believe you, and now I’m not sure how to act around our uncle, how can I best support you in this?” and being really, really upfront with your parents (together, ideally) is the first step. You don’t have to be an avenging angel, sometimes you can just be the person who goes to the store to get cigarettes when your uncle shows up, and who has been 100% supportive and trusting towards your cousin.
Unfortunately, of course, this question is about more than “how do deal when I visit,” because it’s about what to do with the knowledge that there is a sexual goddamn predator in your family. The ability to quietly tiptoe around your elderly relatives on this point goes to shit when you have to say “NOPE, Uncle Johnny cannot come over if my kids are here.” And not just your kids, kids in general. Your family is going to have to have a Come-to-Jesus talk about this, and I would start with your mom and your cousin and work outward.
Oh, and, as per usual, if you don’t already, and if it’s financially possible, find a great therapist to talk to about this.
Mallory: Oh, my god. Yeah, this is a very tangled sort of thing, and it’s easy to get caught up in secondhand righteous anger and lose sight of what really matters here: supporting your cousin in the way that he wants to be supported, which it doesn’t sound like many members of your family have been doing.
It’s horrible because it seems like most of your family has decided to prioritize happy-smiles-together-times over truth and justice — sometimes it feels like most families choose that, when somebody’s being abused. And circumstances like that can be so infuriating and crazy-making that you want to bust the whole disgusting charade open and rub their faces in the truth and say “Fucking look at it, put down your fucking drinks and stop pretending everything is fine and you’ve successfully papered over this garbage secret pit.”
But as tempting as that can be, you have to remember that your supporting your cousin is more important than bringing the hammer of realness to your shitty grandparents right now. And that means talking to him — depending on how close you two are — and asking what he wants. Maybe he wants you to draw a hard line and refuse to associate with your uncle. Maybe he just wants to be left alone; maybe his own family has disappointed him for long enough that the idea of a cousin making a scene for him ten or fifteen years later just reminds him of how much no one was there for him when he needed them to be. Maybe he just wants to talk about it with someone who doesn’t think he’s crazy and he’s not sure what else he wants from you yet.
If, for whatever reason, your cousin doesn’t express a preference for how you behave around your uncle or says that he feels comfortable with your telling your grandparents, I say go nuts and draw some boundaries. It is amazing what can happen if you explain warmly but firmly what you’re going to do — namely not be around your uncle because he has committed sexual assault — and then just stop talking. You don’t have to justify it any further than that. You don’t have to get drawn into an argument. Just no, followed by silence; let the others wear themselves out with talking and debating just who did what and who’s to blame for it and wasn’t it long enough ago now and don’t you think you’re making too big a deal out of it and how could we know for sure really. That’s not your business. Your business is No and the silence that comes after it.
Tags: abortion, advice, advice from two disparate persons, she said she said
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(Images are from Citizen Ruth, which is an amazing, amazing movie, by the way.)
Is Laura Dern just the best, or is she just the best?
This is the best advice ever for both issues
I was going to comment about how those Libertarian tip cards are just the worst and people are awful, but then I read the second letter and my faith in humanity just ebbed even further away.
Co-sign both Nicole and Mallory’s advice to LW2 about dealing with family and I want to add that Mallory’s advice about silence, while excellent, is also probably, for most people, very, very hard. It’s HARD to remain silent when people you have grown up caring about (or at least grown up around, meaning they were part of the furniture of the formative years of your life) are trying to argue with you. Especially when you really, really want to defend your cousin (and all assault victims!) and to have them see how wrong-headed they are being. It will be hard, and I think maybe acknowledging that is helpful. Support your cousin but also be gentle with yourself.
wait but the libertarian tipping cards still come with a tip!!
Yes! I clicked expecting some excuse about why they don’t tip, and was pleasantly surprised. It’s just the tiniest most adorable tax fraud that anyone tipped in cash is going to do anyway.
true but the dude posting them on his blog claims he only tips 5% as a “policy”, ugggh
Yep, this.
Being an asshole is a policy now. Good to know.
AND IS CONSIDERING SUBTRACTING OUT THE COST OF THE CARDS FROM THE “GIFT” MAKING IT 1.5%
I think no matter what LW2 decides to do around their uncle, they should reach out to the cousin and say “I believe you.” People underestimate how life-changing it can be to hear that.
Cosigned.
My God, yes.
Yes.
So life-changing — ESPECIALLY when it’s a complete statement, and doesn’t come accompanied by expectations and invasive questions.
LW2, yes 1000% to the reaching out to your cousin part. It may or may not seem to have an impact for him, but it will. And don’t necessarily do it in the context of ‘what do you want me to do about grandparents?’ – just ‘hey, moving to hometown has me thinking of family, and since it all happened when we were young, I didn’t really have the vocab to tell you. I just want you to know that I believe you and that I am sorry for the bastard having any part of your life, much less such a detrimental one.’
As for grandparents et al, it sounds like you have plenty of reason to dislike uncle regardless of the abuse. And I can assure you that your grandparents, if they’re not as confrontational / homophobic / mean as uncle seems to be (if they’re generally nice loving folk you look forward to hanging with), have a strong sense of uncle’s failings as a human. Hopefully not the specifics, because if so, your poor cousin – but they know he is a dick to be around, and therefore, your absenting yourself around him will not need a lot of explanation.
‘Gran, I’m uncomfortable around uncle for a lot of reasons, but I don’t want to start WWIII in your house, so I just want you to know I’ll be heading out if he stops by.’
‘Uncle,’ (for the inevitable first time he tries to corner you) ‘unless you want to argue loudly in front of your parents about how you abused your child, stay away from me. I will not speak to you again; do not speak to me again.’
In a sad way, it’s almost better that Uncle is also a jerk in real life – it’d be hard to say “Sorry Grandma, can’t be around Uncle Jim” when Uncle Jim is sweet and charming and “I don’t want to be around him” is something that would seem backward to the image he presents.
I’m not really the person to be giving advice on family dynamics, but I did want to chime in and say that it’s completely okay to abstain from some or all of “family stuff” for a period of time or permanently. Not that LW2 needs my permission to do this (or anyone’s permission), but for years, even as an adult, I didn’t really know that I could be like, “nope, not doing this shit.” But as Mallory says, once I said “I will do x but not y, and z only under certain conditions” my family dealt with it. It was sort of mindblowing, actually.
*Smacks self on forehead* The food bank! Why didn’t I think of that? (The first question is mine.) I just checked and there’s no diaper bank near me (we also lack piazzas), but I love this list of alternatives, thaaaank you! I didn’t want to let my politics get in the way of practicality, but I clearly don’t have to compromise.
In the interim between sending this question in and today, I also found that my city department of health will take donations of certain baby items (never let it be said I expect Nicole and Mallory to do all my work for me). The goods are still in my spare room, because the department of health is only open during work hours, though, and I, you know, work. But just for general knowledge in case other people are looking for places to donate stuff, because I had no idea.
These are great ideas! I had the same stockpile of unopened formula, and asked all the social workers in my life about where it would be needed in our city (I know a lot of social workers!). I also found out that our local women’s shelter didn’t need any, but that our city’s public school system has a teen parent/daycare program, and that it was desperate for formula.
They were so excited about my donation, that now I want to go and buy them more formula. Helping teens finish high school!
Whoa, that is awesome!
You could also maybe pass the information along to the women’s shelter that suggested CPC donation in the first place, since the CPC places are not all that awesome?
“They” may have decided not to tell your grandparents, but YOU have not, it seems, resolutely made that decision? You do not owe silence or secret-keeping to your uncle. “He knows why I don’t want to be around him” is a good phrase to keep in your back pocket.
Examining my feelings about people who will knowingly protect an adult criminal, who has forced sex onto a child… NOPE.
Wait, Mallory. Why are you calling the grandparents shitty in the second question? It sounds like they are unaware of the abuse. Did I misread something?
Oh shit, yeah! I did forget that.
HYPOTHETICALLY SHITTY GRANDPARENTS, eta
I liked all the rest of your advice! Draw boundaries around everything like it’s the breakup of the USSR
The dirty uncle in our family eventually died of a tragic combination of falling from a ladder, and then a ghastly round of pancreatic cancer. Which I would not wish on anyone, of course. But it does sometimes provide a different range of feelings to examine in the company of extended family.
So life-changing — ESPECIALLY when it's a complete statement, and doesn't come accompanied by expectations and invasive questions.
I’ll just say I wish “The Toast” (and this advice column) had been around when I was married, to affirm my first instincts in dealing with someone who admitted (once upon a time anyway) he had sexually abused a member of the family. He was an irredeemable asshole too: I think that’s maybe not all that unusual a combo. Being a first-hand witness to that “happy-smiles-together-time” bullshit in that family was surreal. Truth and justice is a lot better.
Hello, it’s me, LW2. Thanks for all of your advice. It’s really helpful just given that I’m so out of my depth here. Re: the grandparents, they are really old and in bad health – my grandma had open heart surgery last year, but is very sound of mind, while my grandpa has Alzheimer’s and can’t remember what year it is and is progressing pretty quickly. They don’t know what happened because my father, aunts and uncles have chosen not to tell them mainly because of their bad health (but also probably largely because they don’t want to come to terms with this themselves). It would be near pointless to tell my grandpa because he just wouldn’t remember, and I feel deeply conflicted about telling my grandmother because her bad health and because she’s a wonderful person who I love deeply and who has suffered a lot in her life, and I feel like by telling her I am causing her to suffer more.
I think, given everyone’s advice, the shittiness lies mostly with my dad, aunts and uncles who are protecting my abusive fuck of an uncle. The “he knows why I don’t want to be around him” advice is really good, and I think I will adapt that to say to my grandma, if asked, “You can ask my dad/uncle/aunt why I don’t want to be around the uncle in question.”
I’ve been mulling all this stuff over and freaking out and googling to no avail and when I remembered the Toast has an advice column, it was my first port of call (I also sent out a similarly worded question to a few other online columns in advice desperation so don’t be weirded out if you stumble across them). Thanks for being such an amazingly supportive online community. Much love to all of you.
Keep in touch and let us know what happens, if you’re okay with that! xoxoxoxoxo
I will, thanks Nicole. What’s the best way for me to do that?
Email me! Nicole at the-toast dot net
You are a very thoughtful and empathetic person. I have a lot of faith that your willingness to think deeply about all this and to look for the most loving and kind approach while maintaining your integrity will serve you well throughout this.