Everyone here is on board with Prince, yes? Prince is the greatest. He is the only person who can say “I sincerely wanna f**k the taste out of your mouth” and you’ll be like “well yeah, that makes sense.” But what does he really mean?
This is how it’s gonna be
If U wanna be with me
Ain’t no room 4 disagreein’, uh
1+1+1 is 3
In his dream, Prince is interviewing to become an elementary school math teacher. “U have 3 gold earrings and give 1 2 Apollonia. How many do U have left?” he asks, as he presents his curriculum.
So, look here
I put her on the back of my bike
And-a we went riding
Down by Old Man Johnson’s farm
Does Prince know an Old Man Johnson? Prince does not seem like the type to know an Old Man Johnson. What would Prince in overalls look like?
I’ve seen the future and it will be
One night after a little too much orange juice, visions of Earth’s future revealed themselves to Prince. Among the truths he saw that evening: one dance to unite all humanity. The dance? BATDANCE.
If u really really want to be a star
We gotta do it in your momma’s car
Prince really wants to have sex in a station wagon.
Admission is easy, just say U
Believe and come 2 this
Place in your heart
Paisley Park is in your heart
Elevator pitch for Prince’s amusement park, built just outside of St. Paul, Minnesota. Rides include the “Raspberry Breakdance,” “Soft and Wet Log Flume,” and the “Little Red Corvette Bumpercars.”
My name is Prince and I am funky
When it come to funk I am a junky
I guess this one is just self explanatory.
If I came back as a dolphin
Would U listen 2 me then?
Prince has grown tired of your selective conservation efforts. Dolphins are cute, yes, but does that mean they deserve life more than sharks? More than spiders? Prince wants to know if you even understand that dolphins are voracious predators. Nature is a cruel place and chaos reins, but maybe if Prince were a dolphin you’d understand that.
Say baby, the soup tastes kinda funny
I don’t know
My skin’s crawling
It feels strange
Is this the same soup as usual?
Mmm, I don’t know
It feels strange
Prince is on an acid trip and is texting Mallory.
Jaya Saxena is a New Yorker who writes for lots of things. The Toast, Uncommon Courtesy, and New Amsterdam Mystery Company are some of them. Follow her on Twitter @jayasax. Matt Lubchansky makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. His work includes Please Listen to Me and New Amsterdam Mystery Company. He's on Twitter, and doesn't expect you to get his name right.