I am a smallish woman with short hair who is called “sir” roughly once a week. This usually happens in retail establishments, or at restaurants, or especially at airport retail restaurants – but it’s okay!
Gender is weird, and hair is even weirder – but let’s go through some Dos and Don’ts regarding what happens next.
Apologize quickly, but with a light touch.
– Don’t: “OMG I’m so sorry, of COURSE you are a woman, I mean duh, I’m so stupid, look at your [body part], I’m such an idiot! You look goooood grrrrl.”
– Do: “I’m so sorry, it’s been a long day. How can I help you?”
Let it go.
– Don’t: “Here’s your iced tea MA’AM, I’m so glad it’s just us girls here in the bar area today.”
– Do: “Here’s your iced tea, let me know if you need anything else.”
Don’t gamble and lose.
If you work in an environment where you are giving people orders or directions, try to stay clear of gendered words in general.
It will make your job easier if you say, “Excuse me! – the gift shop is closing in ten minutes!” – because if you say “Excuse me sir! – the gift shop is closing in ten minutes!”, then frankly, I’m gonna loiter like a mofo and never actually purchase the $65 Maya Lin stationery set. (Also she is a sculptor at best and an architect at worst, so stop hawking that crap.)
Please don’t assume.
I live in the midwest, where strong and sensible straight women sport short ‘dos, too.
Don’t: “Ugh, this is extra embarrassing because my aunt Linda is one of you!”
Do: “Here’s your iced tea, let me know if you need anything else.”
Flip the script if you can.
Cue my wonderful waiter from yesterday, who responded, “Crap, you’d think I’d know better! – I had long hair for five years and was always stopped outside the restroom door.”
Important note: keep this short. I don’t actually want to hear about your punk band from back then and how you only played in places with gender-neutral bathrooms. Just the iced tea please, Luca.
Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Modern gender presentation is very personal, and frankly, pretty confusing. I could grow my hair longer to have fewer of these misunderstandings, but then I’d have plenty of different interactions that I like even less. How’s this for a conundrum: if a construction worker on the street over-emphasizes my gender, I feel threatened and annoyed. If a random TSA worker under-emphasizes my gender, I feel slightly annoyed, but I mainly feel sorry for him. Or her. Shit.
So, learn from your mistakes.
Shut up and don’t make it worse.
The gift shop, dear reader, is closing in ten minutes.
Tags: advice, etiquette, gender, how many times will we use this pic of kristen stewart at coachella THAT’S FOR US TO KNOW AND YOU TO FIND OUT, janie porche, misgendering
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I’ve been “sir”ed once and “aw shit, dude’s a chick!” once. First time while wearing a skirt, second time while wearing short shorts and braids pinned to my head. I am very tall. I guess? More funny than anything else, in retrospect…
Oh yeah, I’ve been misgendered more times than I can count and it’s mostly because I’m tall and broad-shouldered. People just don’t look very closely if you tower over them. I used to be quite insecure about it but got over it once I realized they just weren’t looking.
I’m the same way, at just under 6′ tall and with a flat chested/broad shouldered figure, I got misgendered all the time when I had short hair, especially when I bic’ed it. Even with long hair and makeup I’ve been assumed to be a drag queen on multiple occasions. I choose to take that as a compliment, but it used to make me feel insecure and weird about myself.
I think being tall is a large part of it, but yeah, gender and our perception of gender is WEIRD.
Back when I had real short hair I got misgendered a few times, but it only seemed to happen on days when I had worn earrings and/or a bunch of eye-liner! Weirrrrrrd. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Great piece!
The best way to make your misgendering mistake worse (other than by refusing to acknowledge it) is to go into a shame-spiral in front of the person you misgendered, thereby turning the interaction into them comforting/forgiving you. Apologies are not about yourself; they should be about the person you have wronged.
Yes this one thousand time this. Big big snaps.
Yes. Say you’re sorry, move on, and if you really need to go into a shame spiral, do it on your own time.
Exactly, and the shame-spiral apology also implies that the accidental misgendering was the worst thing ever, falsely suggesting that gender is such an essential and easily-registered part of our individual and cultural norms that to misread one person’s presentation of gender is a humiliation for all involved. Making it worse than it is makes it worse than it is by showing how important the mistaken person thinks gender is.
Deliberately misgendering someone, especially someone whom society marginalizes for an gendered reasons: that is a cruelty. Misreading someone accidentally can be awkward, but laboring over it makes it worse, not better.
EXCELLENT point. Co-signed.
I regularly got misgendered when I worked retail. I think to a certain extent because many customers aren’t actually looking at you as an individual person, it’s because you are Retail Worker Number 58 and they get confused between you and Retail Worker Number 57, as you are just there to provide a service.
And yes, an apology is nice. Making your mistake about your guilt is not, especially when the person you have misgendered is in a position where they are not free to scold or correct you without potential risk to themselves.
Mistakes happen. Misgendering people happens. I’ve done it, you’ve done it. No matter how careful we are, stuff happens. Just try to respond in a way that makes it clear you’re sorry for the mistake.
Is that KStew picture the one that Mallory posted in the Toast stances comments yesterday that my work computer’s firewall correctly identified as pornography and refused to display?
Do you need help looking for another job?
Nah, once they see the pic I am sure they will understand (and join Team KStew).
When I used to travel in local buses in India, where seating is mostly segregated, men would sit next to me because they’d see only the back of my head (pixie cut) and assume I was a man, and then jump up and run once they figured out I was a woman. It was fairly entertaining. 🙂
No one ever apologised for misgendering me though, I imagine they’d only be all What is wrong with you?! Grow your hair, woman! if they said anything at all.
Ooh ooh! I forgot my favourite story about being misgendered (I have strong feelings about this, clearly). I took passport pictures for a visa after I’d just finished chemotherapy and radiation, so I had a buzz cut. The man at passport control looked at my picture, and then at me and goes “Why did you cut your hair? You look like a boy.” And I said “I just finished cancer treatment!” It was almost worth getting cancer, getting to cut that man down to size.
A coworker that I was training to replace me in a retail job asked me if I was quitting because “so many of the customers call you ‘sir.'” I had not noticed until that point.
Because I worked in environmental education last year with a bunch of amazing human beings I have generally very good habits that keep me from using gendered statements. However, having just moved to texas and being around a lot of sir-ing and ma’am-ing it had not occurred to me until just now how much more li you are to mis-gender someone if this is a habit you maintain.
I look quite female in person, but my name is Rhiannon, and I routinely get “Dear sir,” emails from people who don’t realize that’s not a man’s name because it ends in “on.” One time, I was working with a guy named Eyole, and he got an email, “Dear Ms. X,” and I got “Dear Mr. Y” from the same person. It was pretty awesome.
No one outside of my country would know my gender from my name, but it’s still frustrating when I get emails that go Dear Mr.Panda. I wish we could do away with the Mr./Ms. thing altogether.
A large part of my job is contacting strangers from other countries by email and for names/languages that I’m not familiar with, I try as hard as I can to avoid pronouns because I just have no idea and don’t want to offend anyone.
You’d think that would be the sensible thing to do, right? Every time I get an email from a stranger about anything work-related they use Mr. And my name is super unique. If you google it, you’ll see pictures of me, which tell you I’m a woman, so it’s just sloppiness on their part, really.
There is no need to identify everyone’s gender anyway, just go with Dear Full Name.
Yeah, I’d already given up on Mr./Ms. due to similar ambiguity about first and last names – I know that in some countries the convention is family name first, given name second, but is this person doing it that way or the ‘Western’ way? Who knows – not me!
I’m sorry to be the guy who posts a “the one time I was misgendered” story, but the one time I recall being misgendered, I didn’t realize it for several days. I bought a transit pass at a SEPTA station, and the staffperson looked at me and put a sticker on it, and I didn’t look at it closely until I was stopped at a subway station. My transpass had been stickered with an “M,” rather than my usual “F”; the subway attendant didn’t think I looked like an “M” so he wouldn’t let me through.
Segue to the point of my story: yes, Philly used to put “M” and “F” stickers on their transit passes. For. . . reasons. So that no shifty-looking lady like myself could go breezing through the subway turnstiles with a dude’s transpass, I guess?
Kudos to RAGE (Riders Against Gender Exclusion) for keeping up a steady protest for FOUR YEARS to get the gender stickers removed.
UGH SEPTA. Truly the worst. I didn’t know that they had M/F stickers on their passes. Glad they’re gone now, holy diver!
Huh. Transpass. Irony?
As a squarish, deep voiced, pixie-cutted lady, I feel you. I remember when I was in early middle school and still had Mary Lou Retton hair, a cashier admired my earrings. Then she pointed out that it was unusual for a little boy to have both ears pierced.
Luckily I was 11 years old so I was more confused than hurt.
That is so WEIRD. Transit passes in Portland you’re generally supposed to sign, from what I remember, although now I have one that is just a sticker that goes on my work badge. But they never checked to see that it was actually my pass before anyway.
The Chicago metra monthly passes still has gender boxes on them. Still very weird. My husband has used mine in the past and it hasn’t been a problem (I’m female)
I’ll never forget being at Sears w/my college girlfriend in the mid ’90s — she had a short skater-punk haircut — and the saleslady came up to us and said “How are you guys doing?”, which, you know, I think both of us were 100% OK with thinking of “guys” as a gender neutral pronoun in this context, and in fact it had never occurred to us to think of it otherwise, until the saleslady realized my girlfriend was a lady and went into this interminable incoherent and vaguely insulting stammer that went something like “Guys … girls … well, you kind of look like guys …”
Most of the suggestions are on-point, but this piece just keeps rubbing me the wrong way. I’m glad that regular misgendering doesn’t seem to bother you that much–that’s awesome for you. Persistent misgendering since I was 18, particularly in and around public restrooms, has significantly changed the way I move through public space. I’ve been screamed at, laughed at and had security called on me.
What I do wish is that people would stop using so much gendered language in general, because most of the time it’s really not necessary.
I mean, I think there’s definitely something to be said for calling out and calling attention to damaging trauma created by violence from misgendering. Of course. That violence commited against you is unacceptable and I’m very sorry it happened, especially the public restrooms things, which is FUCKED THE HELL UP and yes yes one hundred times agreement.
I guess re: gendered language, I think you are right, but you know I also have trans* friends who do need gendered language to be used for themeslves, and I want to respect that. I also want to respect when they don’t want me to use gendered language. So what I mostly think is I wish people could just not be violent and pay attention to other people’s needs and be slightly better than themselves.
But seriously, fuck that noise.
Oh I certainly wouldn’t to take language away from anyone. What I mean is that I don’t understand why so many people plonk gendered nouns into polite conversation. “Hi, LADIES, can I get any drinks started for you today?” etc.
yes, this. I’m cis & pretty normative, but for some reason (increasing awareness of trans* issues/kyriarchal bullshit more broadly? turning 30? an undiagnosed generalized crankiness disorder?) I’ve just become so fatigued with the constant gender-marking in our society–particularly since it’s so frequently tied to marketing or an otherwise disingenuous attempt at “solidarity” (like your example above).
like I get that our society has such deeply entrenched gender ideals that it’ll be a long time before the deodorant aisle, say, is just “here are some scents; have at it.” I don’t need an overnight revolution. but as soon as you become aware of how pervasive it is–& the ways in which that ubiquity is used to marginalize & oppress so many people–it’s just really tiresome.
Hi mk, it’s me, Janie. I’m so glad you commented, because I’ve been meaning to clarify that I consider this apology advice to be strictly for people who **aren’t assholes**.
Many times when I’m called “sir” it’s by young, busy, exhausted people who aren’t trying to offend me – they just aren’t looking so closely. I only started writing this because of how endearing some of these weird apologies are!
But as we know, the world is chock full of those other types, too: the unofficial bathroom monitors, the city bus scowlers, the ones who grab their own daughters, point, and indicate “how not to be”. They are not likely to ever apologize, so I’ll do it for them: I’m sorry that idiots make you change how you move through the world.
I wish my own high-school librarian had been as thoughtful/wore a snapback.
Janie can you write a primer for femme ladies on how to check out a butch girl in line for the bathroom at the theater without making her think you’re wrong-bathrooming her such that she says to you “I know what bathroom this is, you can stop looking at me like that” and you have to say “Oh my God, no, I’m so sorry, I was trying to hit on you but I can see now this was neither the time nor the place”
Yes of course. But honestly in my experience the best place for scoping the butchies is over by the Sour Patch Kids, who have no gender and couldn’t care less about yours as long as your citric acid receptors are “good to go”.
ugh I just made them sound so progressive and futuristic and hot, sorry everyone
by the way, this seems as good a time as any to say that a) I really enjoyed this piece & b) it had special resonance for me because in real life my Aunt Linda is a short-haired lesbian & lifelong tomboy.
Maybe it’s the bathrooms you’re frequenting? Come to Boston and I can virtually guarantee the conversation will go differently at any of the following locations:
The Midway (mostly on a Thursday night)
Diesel Cafe
Trident Bookstore
Ula
The Milky Way
Maybe if you smiled in a friendly way while checking her out it wouldn’t be read as hostile? Though for me that raises the question, can one smile at a stranger without potentially creeping them out…
That could be the subtitle: A Guide For Non-Assholes.
I love weird apologies and I wish I got more. I am, sadly, a little too easy to bristle, probably because I always have to pee.
And also, aww, thank you for the thoughtful reply. But for the record, that’s a fitted cap.
I get around this by referring to everyone as “puny mortal, soon to be devoured by the Old Ones in a fiery conflagration of death for all mankind!” It saves me time and embarrassment. That, or “hey you there” or maybe even “honeypie”.
Gender is so weird! And people get SO FLUSTERED when they realize they’ve misgendered someone! It’s not a thing that happens to me often (I’m, uh, pretty obviously shaped like a woman and I have long hair), but the most disconcerting thing is people’s reactions to themselves. I really enjoyed this post and these dos and don’ts (hilarious! awful! cringe-worthy! amazing!). Also, the over-emphasis on gender (thanks, construction workers) always makes me feel awful and not really present in my body. It’s possible that I do not identify as female as much as I used to, or as I thought I did, and by “possible” I mean “that’s definitely what’s happening.”
Also, that picture of Kristen Stewart. Dayummmmm. I just, yeah.
THERE WILL BE NO GENDER IN THE UPCOMING HARVEST OF SOULS
you know I am regularly misgendered and I really want to comment on this piece, but this comment just captures all the truths.
I appreciate this.
My partner is misgendered constantly for having long Fabio hair, but it’s mostly funny because he’s a) a cishet dude great at counting his blessings for being such and b) 6’4, so when the dudes who say something rude (“that’s a huge bitch!”) realize it’s also a dude who happens to be waaaay bigger, they get frightened and run away. FUN WITH MISGENDERING.
Mall Santa: “Tell me, have you been a good little boy this year?”
Canard’s sister, age 6: “No.”
(I enjoyed this post but am too sleepy to add anything more substantial to the discourse.)
This happened to me at Babies’R’Us a few weeks ago. A salesdude saw me from behind and said, “Can I help you, sir?” and then noticed I am 8+ months pregnant and turned around and walked away before I even made eye contact.
Like, I know I have a pixie, but dudes generally do not have butts like this even.
I really appreciate this advice! Very thoughtful and a VERY good reminder to not make the apology longer than it needs to be or about me in any way.
I routinely misgender people with “sir” & “ma’am” but only because I’m still not used to them yet as terms of address and my mouth just picks the wrong one sometimes. Just like how I call one of the Bergy Bits by another’s name at least once a day.
huh. this wasn’t meant as a reply, but as its own comment. sorry!
Plus, the South has a BIG sir/ma’am culture. I only lived in GA for 10 years, and I’ve been gone from there for nearly 12, but I still have a hard time not defaulting to a sir/ma’am.
ha, and that’s also true – sometimes these are words that just pop out wrong regardless of what the other person looks like, because one’s brain is fried.
Back in the days when I was an occasional bartender/wine pourer at big public receptions, I totally had an episode or two of these with very heteronormal-looking people. It is good to remember that sometimes it’s just brain-multitasking-overwhelmment and not an intentional thing when people misgender us.
I have a gender-neutral name, so if I interact with someone via email before meeting them, I’m often assumed to be male. Mostly people don’t say anything about it when I introduce myself (though a couple have), but you can see the momentarily pause and mental recalibration.
I have a slightly unusual Irish female name ‘Aoife’, so emails back to me often have changed it to a more common male name like ‘Alfie’. That one does baffle me a little, as maybe they’ve misread it, or do they think I spelled my own name wrong in my signature? I also get a lot of post requested by email to ‘Mr A Surname’. My dad also has an Iris name, and back in the late 70s when he applied to study Social Work, he just used his name with no title, and every letter he got back was address to ‘Ms Surname’. I like that they tried to be progressive by not assuming Miss/Mrs, but obviously it’s still going to be a woman applying for something like Social Work! *rolleyes*
I have a theory that misgendering happens more in one direction than the other.
Something about our sexist society where male=normal and female=other, so people default to using he/him/his if they have any doubt at all.
This theory is mostly based on my being female and getting called sir regularly, but I guess it’s not fair to generalize from just my experience. It feels, true, though.
Mostly I can laugh off people getting my pronouns wrong (cis privilege!), though it’s harder when I’m tired and run down and not feeling great about my own personal appearance to start with. Then I can’t totally stop the, “shit, I must really look bad if he can’t tell I’m a girl,” feelings.
One time I had a legitimately scary experience though. As soon as the weather gets warm enough, a non-negligible percentage of drivers in my city start rolling down their windows to yell at cyclists, because they were checking their text messages and didn’t notice you riding there, obeying all the traffic laws, decked out in flashing lights and reflective clothing, and they almost hit you. (not that I’m bitter.)
One summer night when I was riding home, a (possibly drunk?) SUV full of dudebros did notice me ahead of time, but they decided it’d be fun to swerve as if to hit me, and yell “run, faggot!” out of their windows.
I suppose it’s possible they viewed that particular slur as gender neutral, but I’m 5’10, short-haired, and broad shouldered, and I was wearing a men’s undershirt and purple shorts at the time, so yeah, I think I got mistaken for a gay guy. For a half-second I was convinced they were going to go after me, and afterwards I was seriously shaken up.
God, that’s terrifying. I’m glad you’re okay.
But yes, masculinity is the default. If you aren’t making a visible effort at femininity, expect to be read as a man.
I once misgendered someone on the phone, during an initial job interview! At one point I said, “Thank you, sir,” to which she responded, “I’m a woman.” After a second’s hesitation I simply said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I…” and she wonderfully defused the situation with, “Don’t worry, happens all the time.”
I ended up working for her. I loved her, but wow, she sounded like Vin Diesel.
“the things I’m gonna do for [your company].”
(sorry, I realize that quotes from XXX might not have much cultural purchase in 2014, but I couldn’t resist.)
I got misgendered a lot as a kid because even though I had long hair, I pretty much wore exclusively boy’s clothes (and kids all look pretty much the same anyway). Once I was running down the hall and the principal shouted out “Young man, no running in the hallway!” I turned around and watched the look of horror slowly come over his face. “Sorry,” he said quietly. I smiled and walked away. That guy was a dick.
A++
my earlier comment seems to have disappeared so I will just say this is good and necessary advice for these modern times.
Is anyone else having weird problems with the comments on this post? Earlier I saw all the comments posted after Nick’s Bane picture appearing as replies to Nick even though most of them clearly weren’t — now they’ve all vanished entirely and the Bane picture is the last thread on the page, but the comment count still says 60-something as if they were still here. HELLLLP.
Yes! same problem here. it’s like Bane ate all the other comments.
All fixed now, thanks to Maria, the Tech Goth.
This is amazing, because to me it looks like what fixed it was deleting Nick’s Bane picture/KStew trolling. The very architecture of your website rejects any hint of negativity toward Kristen Stewart.
it….um…kind of did, yeah
I get misgendered all the time, and the thing that irritates me isn’t that it happens, but that the employee WILL NOT DROP IT. It’s like, OKAY, I GET IT YOU’RE SORRY, PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Comments are indeed magically disappearing on this post, we are working on it!
THEY’RE CURED, THE COMMENTS ARE CURED, HOORAY
I’m always sort of bemused when random people fall all over themselves to apologize for it. I’ve worked customer service, I understand. You just said “sir” 15 times in a row, you forgot to switch to “ma’am”. C’est la vie. I actually have a part-time job that involves a lot of phone customer service, and there are always those moments where you’re not 100% sure from the voice whether “sir” or “ma’am” is appropriate. I try to just avoid it in those cases, but sometimes I get it wrong. And now I’m thinking of Jack in a Box (“It’s a sir, not a ma’am”).
I am secure enough in my womanhood that I’m not actually offended if some random stranger uses the wrong honorific. But I did once see a dude rant on at a bus driver for accidentally saying “ma’am” to him before correcting herself.
ETA – But of course, I’m a ciswoman and so it’s a lot easier for me to brush off being accidentally misgendered; I imagine it might feel differently were my gender other than it is.
That seems to me like a vital distinction, so thanks for editing making it explicit. As a cisgender woman, when I’m mistaken for a man* the mistake is a lot less fraught with social context and possible hostility than if I were trans. That’s wrapped up in the package of my privilege: I can afford not to be upset or wary or hostile or hurt when it happens to me, but I certainly won’t judge marginalized people who feel those things or more.
*In my youth especially. I was tall and strong, broad in the back and narrow in the hip, and in the year or two when I wore my hair cropped short, I routinely got mistaken for a teenaged boy, especially from behind. One summer when my boyfriend and I had the same chin-length haircut, we routinely got mistaken for each other from behind, which was… revealing.
Even when my hair was long and my clothes overtly feminine, when I worked in a high-traffic tourist-town (so lots of strangers passed through daily) in a shop kitty-corner to the piano bar where occasional drag performers would show up, either on stage or in the audience, I would get – well, not misgendered, because the gender people were guessing was, correctly, “woman”… but I’d occasionally be misread as either a drag performer or a transgender woman. It taught me youngish that there were a lot more layers to gender than I had been raised to consider. I’m still not great at stepping outside my own experience and seeing how other people live their gender, but I’m trying.
Printing and sharing the heck outta this. It’ll be a nice replacement for the grouchy notes I usually leave on receipts.
My general response to misgendering someone is “Whups! Sorry about that, [correct version of sir/ma’am]”, and then remembering the person for later so I don’t screw up the same way again.
In general, I’ve noticed that harping on an embarrassing mistake seems to make it more embarrassing. Like, y’know, farting. I think of misgendering someone like farting. You apologize, once, because, y’know, it deserves an apology, but it’s really kind of creepy if you’re still apologizing for farting, or misgendering someone, twenty minutes later.
Worse than misgendering to me is mis-aging! But give people a break – generally it is not intentional and if you are too terribly offended by this then you take yourself too seriously. I am a tall female and I wear my hair quite short and often have on a running cap. I have been advised by well meaning friends in US that I may be mistaken as a lesbian – oh dear, what is that supposed to mean?! I specify in US because it does not seem to be a problem in Latin America or Europe where no one has ever asked me about my sexual orientation.
So last December I was on a Singapore Airlines flight, SFO to SIN, stopover at Seoul. I was already moody because my ex was supposed to have come with me but she broke up with me a month before the trip and the flight felt like every failure possible.
I was misgendered THE ENTIRE TIME on the flight. I’m not sure what it was – I wore a dress and had very obvious boobs, but I think my pixie cut threw everyone off. As soon as I stepped on the plane it was “Good evening sir”, and then it was “Would you like a hot towel sir?” and “How can I help you sir?” from the nicest people – but so painful and aggravating.
After about the third time I told the air steward “look, I’m not a ‘sir’, I’ve been called ‘sir’ three times already and it’s somewhat unnerving.” Then they sent someone to apologise to me about it, which was appreciated. (They did apologise when I corrected them, but it was good that they sent someone specifically to talk to me about it.)
Then we stopped over in Seoul, there was a crew change, I got on the plane…
“Welcome to Singapore Airlines, sir.”
AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH ><
My problem with this post is that it’s really only relevant for people who use binary pronouns. As someone with a non-binary gender identity, I am misgendered ALL THE TIME, in both directions, and people often do a double take then politely “correct” themselves to the opposite binary gender pronoun, but it’s still wrong. And almost nobody bothers to simply ask me what pronouns I use. Better advice is simply, when in doubt, ask.
Lea Delaria addresses this in her stand-up routine, ‘Last Butch Standing,’ with some really funny situations. And in the end she wraps it up with a frank admission, ‘Well, I can’t really complain, it is a look I was going for.’
This is good advice for situations where you have been explicitly notified of the misgendering, but I’m a little troubled that this article doesn’t specify how service staff realize they misgendered you. Voice, breasts, clothing, and all other outward markers of gender are just clues; service people shouldn’t make assumptions about gender based on them. If they DO make assumptions about gender, they absolutely should not correct themselves without being asked to. As a transmasculine fellow, I am not called sir as often as I would like, but I love it when it happens. There is little more undermining to my gender than having someone apologize for “misgendering” me male, when that was actually correct to begin with. Plus, the attempt at correction forces me to out myself in a way that just leaving it alone wouldn’t.
For an article on etiquette, you sure dissed Maya Lin pretty hard.
What Edgar said. When you disrespected Maya Lin, you lost me right there.
Also, if you misgender someone, don’t double down. I got “Sir”, “Ma’m”, and then “Sir” again in the same conversation.
You’re more polite than I am. If I get “Sir,” even when my clothing is femme-ish that day, I misgender them right back. “Here’s your X, ma’am,” I tell the portly 45 year old man, with a smile. It isn’t nice, but it takes no time to look, and just a bit of a clue to learn not everyone needs to be labeled. Of course, if some dude calls me “sweetheart,” I “honeybunch” him right back, so maybe I’m just generally salty.
You're more polite than I am. If I get "Sir," even when my clothing is femme-ish that day, I misgender them right back. "Here's your X, ma'am," I tell the portly 45 year old man, with a smile. It isn't nice, but it takes no time to look, and just a bit of a clue to learn not everyone needs to be labeled. Of course, if some dude calls me "sweetheart," I "honeybunch" him right back, so maybe I'm just generally salty.