Sources on the scene confirm that thing you said last night that didn’t seem so bad in your head but grew steadily worse as time drove you further away from the moment in which you said it really was that bad.
Sources confirm that while it might not have sounded so bad in your head, you’re really not the best judge of this sort of thing and frankly you didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about it before you said it. According to sources. Sources who would know.
Sources confirm that everyone noticed what you said and how you said it.
Sources confirm that the minute that you left, what you said was the immediate subject of conversation, both why you might have said it and whether you might have said anything like it before. Sources agreed that you have.
Oh God, remember that thing you said last time? Sources remember.
Sources agreed that it was needlessly cruel, and not nearly funny enough to justify the unkindness. Sources agree that he’s actually really nice, and didn’t deserve what you said in the least.
Sources wonder what on earth could have possibly prompted you to say it. Sources wonder if there is in fact anything you will not say, once the thought has occurred to you.
Sources confirm you’re probably going to have to apologize, not just to him but to everyone who heard you say it. Sources confirm it’s not going to make much of a difference, but if you don’t apologize at all things will go much worse for you.
Sources wonder why you said it at all. Sources want to know why it’s so difficult for you to make it through a social gathering without crushing someone publicly or talking to people while looking over their shoulders and leaving early. Sources have a few theories, all unconfirmed at the time of this reporting.
Tags: crushing self-recrimination, friendship, human interaction, the niceties
Mallory, you’re mean.
Confirmed! By – sources?
Or you could take to the sea and make new friends. The sea forgets; the sea knows of no injustice to forgive in the first place.
The sea is a creator of many injustices. The source of all injustices. The sea is beyond your concept of justice.
“Sources remember.” is the most chilling sentence I have ever read.
“Pepperidge Farm remembers.”
I knew it!
(Brb, hiding in my apartment for the next seven years.)
“Seahorses confirm that thing you said is in the past and completely irrelevant to your new aquatic life. Seahorses confirm that nobody notices a social faux pas at sea. Seahorses wonder if possibly you’d be kind enough to share some of your krill with them. Oh, you don’t have any krill? Just as well. Seahorses don’t remember.”
Under the sea!
Under the sea!
There’ll be no accusations
Only friendly crustaceans
Under the sea!
Oh god. Oh goddddd.
I think I’m going to print this up for myself and refer to it the next time I’m tempted to send panicky text messages to all of my friends.
What do sources know? Sources just don’t have a sense of humor! Sources laughed at that other thing that didn’t seem any different in my head. Sources are so sensitive…
…I’m sorry. *sobs*
Sources are just unfunny themselves and jealous of your politically incorrect humor.
Aaaaaaah stop it.
Am I the only one who suffers from a Tourettes-like condition that causes me to twitch and mutter “fuck fuck fucking hell” when I randomly remember embarrassing or awkward experiences? I can’t be the only one right? fuck fuck fucking hell
I routinely catch myself doing this at work. Then I glare meaningfully at my computer to indicate to my co-workers that I am reprimanding my computer for misbehaving and am not, in fact, a crazy person.
Last night I bent double and said OUT LOUD TO AN EMPTY ROOM “oh gawwwwwwwwwwwd” because I remembered knocking over my BIL’s beer at a baseball game, what, six years ago? He probably doesn’t even remember it, he was characteristically pleasant about it, and when the memory came hurtling back to me for no reason I can figure out, I actually physically curled up in excruciation and embarrassment.
So: no, you are not alone.
On the other hand, last night I put my hands to keyboard to snap out a hilarious, scathing piece of banter on Twitter, and then I – oh, my comrades, you will reel to hear it – I thought for a few seconds. And I decided that as hilarious as it was, it was also pretty snide, and do I really want to be that person? Not right now. So I resisted.
And yes, I do think I deserve a reward of some kind. (Mostly because if I don’t reward myself for not being snide, I will be doubly snide next time.)
I give you a gold star for restraint. It’s not easy, and you did it. Kudos.
Meta-level: for sure I’ll look back on this bout of self-congratulation and wince in embarrassment because UGH MY BRAIN.
I DO TOO, only my particular symptoms of this condition are to twitch, rock back and forth, smile maniacally for some reason, and mutter “okay, okay, okay” over and over.
…jfc i really am a basket case
I fist-clench, eye-scrunch, while murmuring ‘oh nononono’. When I remember mean/dumb things I said, like, a decade ago.
When I’m almost asleep, memories come to me and I wake myself up with a sharp, pained whine of shame.
And then I say a strangled little “OH NO” out loud and wake up both myself and my husband. It happens infrequently, but frequently enough that he’s learned not even to ask what happened.
You are not the only one (and thanks for sharing, it’s nice knowing I’m in the “Jeezus, fucking hell, oh fuck me” classroom, too).
This comment thread is such a PROFOUND RELIEF
Oh GOD am I glad to know that I’m not the only one who does this. I periodically find myself muttering “I hate myself” and then worry that I’m going crazy.
Note: I don’t hate myself, but I DO hate remembering the shitty things I’ve said.
I hum. Loudly and nervously. No melody.
An embarrassing/shaming memory pops into my head, and a few seconds later I hear myself humming, frantically, and everyone is looking at me.
Later, I remember my bizarre humming, and the cycle repeats itself.
I do so many variations on this I can’t EVEN tell you. Two big ones are ” I hate my life” and another is switching the song that is playing, or changing the radio station. As though to literally change the channel on my brain.
WHY DO WE remember all of these terrible things? Why can I remember every horrible embarrassing thing. Now when I say something that sources confirm my first though it “this is going to be one of those things you remember in two years and say “I hate me life” aloud about”
YES the humming. Sometimes I then turn it into a loud rendition of a song in order to make it appear deliberate. Which is in itself preeeetty weeeeeirdio diddlyumpumpum dadada
Does anyone know anything about… you know… brains? And why so many of us (thank the LORD for that, incidentally) have an uncontrolled physical reaction to an unbidden memory of shame?
I do this all the time. If I’m lucky, I have enough control to turn it into a random gesture instead, like grabbing a handful of my husband’s shirt or smacking myself in the leg.
I read a poem once and whenever I remember it, in the supermarket or in my car or whatever, I just go “whyyyyy”
OH GOD seriously. And then I go into tamping-it-down mode which just consists of changing the “fuck me fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck” to “fuck. whatever! whatever whatever whatever. whatever. it’s fine! whatever.” but that’s just what repression sounds like.
This is my nightmare.
Look, I’ve already moved into a hermitage and taken a vow of silence what more do you want from me?
::sobs::
“Sources confirm that while it might not have sounded so bad in your head, you’re really not the best judge of this sort of thing and frankly you didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about it before you said it. According to sources. Sources who would know.”
Goddamm those sources being right and shit (says someone whose tongue has been described as “pointed”. I’m working on it, honest and truly).
But to play devil’s advocate, what about those buds that need a harsh reality check and no-one is willing to help him/her face the music, so to speak. Can the sources look the other way?
NOT AT A PARTY THEY DON’T NEED A REALITY CHECK
Aw, context! Yeah, it’s everything. (Slinks off to re-think about buds and thanks her lucky stars all “we need to talk” talks have been in private, one on one scenarios).
I’m sorry, we’re not taking applications to play devil’s advocate at this time: http://the-toast.net/2013/10/02/no-more-devils-ad…
Sources are looking all ways. Always looking.
Sources confirm that Mallory is a meanie mean head who is making my eyes leak. AND NO I WON’T REGRET SAYING THIS LATER!
Oh, God, I will. I really will.
so I’m not the only person who wonders, years after saying a mean thing and being mentally tormented by it, if it would be weird to apologize now? literally years.
lengths of time it has been since I said mean things I am currently tormented by: 6 months, 6 years, 7 years, 15 years
A few years ago, I apologized (in context, not out of the blue) to a friend-of-a-friend who was talking about me being mean to her in high school. I don’t remember being mean to her (and I do remember her being pointedly mean to me), but I believe her. We were probably trapped in a cycle of unkindness to each other, and who’s to say it didn’t start with me? Anyhow, I’m only responsible for living with my own actions and self-image, not hers, and I don’t want to be the person who hears that and shrugs.
I told her how sorry I was, that it’s no excuse to say I was working out a lot of sad, hard stuff because what teenager isn’t working out sad, hard stuff, and that my mouthy snark was never a reflection on my respect for her but of my own sorry internal state. I told her I wish I had been kinder, and that I’m wholeheartedly sorry I wasn’t.
She didn’t respond in any meaningful way, but once she brought it up where she knew I could overhear her, I felt like I had two choices: address it and apologize or pretend that I’m okay being a person who was mean to her all those years ago.
I probably wouldn’t seek out someone to apologize for long-dead misdeeds, though I know some recovery programs prescribe that act. It could be a balm to their long-nursed wound or it could remind them of something they’ve long since put behind them.
I guess what I’m saying is: for me, it’s important to consider whether I’m positioning my own comfort over the comfort of the person I’ve wronged. Just because my misdeed is festering for me doesn’t mean it’s festering for them, and apologizing just to clear one’s conscience may just transfer that old pain from the wrong-doer to the victim.
In that case, it can be better – personally, morally, and for the greater social good – to make amends privately by repenting the act, correcting/avoiding similar acts in the future, and working to redress larger wrongs.
No statute of limitations on party fouls
I still cringe over a mean thing I said to my best friend 15 years ago.
I told her she had no sense of adventure and she (rightly) hung up on me. WE WERE 13 AND WE ARE STILL FRIENDS SO IT CAN’T HAVE BOTHERED HER TOO MUCH BUT I HAAAAATE MYSELF FOR IT.
Similarly, I once told a friend that she should never go camping because she would die. I thought i was accurate, but I might have been being mean? (Though at this point, that particular insult has probably fused with all the other things I’ve said to her thinking I was being funny and observant into one blob of Faintly Macabre is a jerk.)
Also, my first Mallory response! OVER THE MOON and thanks lucky stars again that I didn’t get Wodehoused.
“Things said or done long years ago,
Or things I did not do or say
But thought that I might say or do,
Weigh me down, and not a day
But something is recalled,
My conscience or my vanity appalled.”
Yeats is right there with you. How comforting you find that is may vary.
I find it comforting. I like not being alone in my appalled vanity.
This is a good post for me to hang out on right now, because I have just received a reply to a scheduling-related email that is like, “You mean [different time than previously agreed upon] because of [thing this person did not mention when we were agreeing on a time], right?” and I am really irrationally irritated about it and trying hard not to reply rudely.
I find that a precise courtesy is much more cutting than a rude reply, and also has the advantage of being completely correct. Miss Manners will cut you to ribbons with nothing more than a deckle-edged notecard and a fountain pen.
THAT THING HAPPENED IN THIRD GRADE MALLORY WHY DID YOU HAVE TO REMIND ME?
Every thing about every comment. Exactly. Like the time I called someone a rat because they counted beans faster than I did.
eh, mallory, that’s just the weed talking.
Sources agree that you think you’re wittier than you really are, more Andrew Dice Clay than Dorothy Parker. Sources suggest you dial it back a notch or ten.
I am. And I feel so ashamed.
Sources confirm that was “badly done” and are seriously reconsidering their secret love for you and may just leave you to the likes of Frank Churchill.
Having really put my foot in it yesterday I would just like to respond with, “Oh god. Oh no. I apologize for being born.”
In person I’m far too reserved to say anything mean to anyone, but I do spend entire conversations with acquaintances calculating the exact shortest amount of time before I can socially acceptably terminate the dialogue and retreat to my corner. Even still, I usually underestimate, and get that slightly-offended look of consternation when I’m like “Ok then nice talking to you I’m gonna go over there now bye!”
On the Internet, however, it’s like my typing fingers belong to someone else. Snark snark snark snark SNARK SNARK (stop it) SNARK SNARK SNARK (please stop it) SNARK SNARK SNARK SNARK SUBMIT!!! (fuck)
Omg, HOW DID YOU KNOW?
it REALLY WAS THAT BADDD
You may believe that you’re just overreacting because you were drunk, and it’s hard to recall whether you really said anything offensive. Sources confirm that you did, in fact, say something offensive, and they are well aware that you were drunk.
This just in: sources close to the subject confirm that someone indeed was filming you on their cellphone and it is and the internet. And wait, this is just coming over the wire, yes we are now able to confirm, it has officially gone viral.
Ah spring, when a young woman’s fancy turns to the bi-yearly freak out where I send bewildering messages to my friends apologizing profusely for the awful thing I KNOW I did, even if I don’t know just what it was. And their bewildered responses back, which give me something new to feel bad about because why was I even bothering them with my crazy anyway, JUST WHO DO I THINK I AM??
Ah spring, when a young woman's fancy turns to the bi-yearly freak out where I send bewildering messages to my friends apologizing profusely for the awful thing I KNOW I did, even if I don't know just what it was. And their bewildered responses back, which give me something new to feel bad about because why was I even bothering them with my crazy anyway, JUST WHO DO I THINK I AM??
If you’re friends with Mallory and she says something mean to you at a party do you just watch the Toast more closely for the next few days waiting for a post like this to pop up? Is this the accepted form of Mallory Apology?
this is not the confirmation i was looking for in my life. basically any confirmation except this one would’ve been fine.
just…fuck.
I read a poem once and whenever I remember it, in the supermarket or in my car or whatever, I just go "whyyyyy"
*hides under the bed, whimpering*
…Welcome to Night Vale.