1. Act blandly surprised whenever she asks if she can bring him to an event, no matter how long they’ve been together. “Oh, Dave’s coming too? Sure, that’s fine.”
2. Suggest Sleeping With The Devil for movie night.
3. Learn exactly one thing about him; make that the subject of conversation whenever you see him. It will not be necessary to learn two things.
4. Always grab the bill before he does.
5. Whisper “I will bury you” into his ear while he pours you wine.
6. Behave so irreproachably that no one will ever believe him.
7. Suggest Sleeping With The Enemy for movie night.
8. “I think it’s really important for a man to recognize how magnificent you are, Meredith. I’m glad you think Steve sees that in you.”
9. Never get his job title quite correct. If he’s an Associate Something, call him an Assistant Something. If he tries to correct you, he’ll seem both petty and vain for making sure you get it right.
10. Avoid criticizing him at all costs, but if you must, put the words “It’s endearing how” before your criticism so he takes it as a compliment and the seeds of doubt are planted carefully in her mind. “Something I really like about Greg is [subtly horrifying trait.]”
11. Bring up topics that only you and she know a great deal about, so that he’ll be forced to say something ignorant in order to stay in the conversation.
12. Make sure you tell her how much you like him in front of him, so that he never suspects.
13. “He has great energy. I love how whenever I run into him at he’s in the center of a little clump of women, just regaling them with stories.”
14. Suggest Fried Green Tomatoes for movie night.
15. Steal something small but significant from her apartment every time the three of you are there together, but never when it’s just you and her, so that when she starts to piece together a pattern, she’ll ask you instead of him to fill in the blanks. Also, leave the toilet seat up.
16. Say “I love how you ALWAYS have a Groupon, you’re like Suze Orman! But…I know Rachel really wants to go to [better restaurant], let me treat you.”
17. At her birthday party, immediately after everyone has finished shout-singing “Happy Birthday”: “I think it would be great if we went around the room, and all of us said something we truly love about Annie.” Then deliver a touching, self-effacing tribute to Annie that will leave her in tears. Kick him savagely under the table as he starts his, while smiling warmly at him.
18. Always respond instantly to her texts. Delete hers from his phone if left unattended.
19. “Find” an OkCupid account that has a picture of him she took after they started dating. He’s in “a complicated relationship,” he just wants to meet “friends and activity partners” and to have someone to talk to about life.
20. Suggest Waiting To Exhale for movie night.
21. “Arthur seems to be really open with his friends about your relationship. I guess that’s refreshing in a man, to share the ups and downs.”
22. Always invite the friend of his she likes the least whenever you all get together. Point out their similarities.
23. Kill her dog when you know he’ll be out of town so he can’t be there to support her during the most painful time in her life. Be there for her every step of the way.
24. “Isn’t it wonderful how, when you meet the right person, there is never again a single moment of doubt or questioning? You literally never wonder if there could be another person out there, better suited to you.”
25. Suggest Thelma and Louise for movie night.
26. The next time he leaves his phone unattended, rename two of his contacts Blonde Afternoons and Redhead Yoga Girl.
27. Point out how much other people have noticed that the two of them look like brother and sister. “I didn’t see it at first, but now I can’t stop noticing it! You guys even wear the same size jeans!”
28. Encourage him whenever he suggests an outing she’ll hate.
29. Wait until he’s drunk or sulky, and say, “Isn’t it amazing to think that we’ll all be parents in a few years?”
30. Put a box of tampons that are neither your brand nor hers at the very back of the space under his bathroom sink, opened, and with two-thirds of the contents missing. If she ever brings them up, say “don’t worry, I’m sure lots of guys keep a box of tampons around for guests.”
[Image via]
Tags: advice for sociopaths, friendships, gaslighting, how to wage a low-stakes passive-aggressive campaign against some poor sap, i bet you think the dark ones are from mallory but nicole is really broken inside, misandry, relationships, the chessmaster, the skull beneath the skin, the waiting game
I love a good long con!
a) This is the most active approach to “waiting something out” I have ever seen, and I can apply this advice to everything I wait out in life.
b) The jokes that are buried in the tags always make me laugh out loud.
The tags are what finally broke me; I was already smothering my laughter but it all went wrong as soon as I got to the tags.
Yes, it was like Nicole and Mallory KNEW I thought to myself, around number five, “I know exactly which ones of these Mallory wrote.” NOW I HAVE DOUBTS. But only in myself, never in Nicole or Mallory or misandry as a life’s pursuit.
Thank you for saying this because I forgot to check them and then I did and then I died.
“Nicole is really broken inside.”
This seems way more satisfying than my ‘biting my tongue and trying to psychically communicate how much I loathe him’ technique.
Some of my friends end up with such awful men!
Will this also work on my friend’s fiance? Hypothetically, of course.
HYPOTHETICALLY, when is the wedding
wasn’t there a how-to-stop-a-wedding wikihow recently? hypothetically.
“It’s so inspiring how you’re willing to put in all the really, truly difficult work that marriage will take.”
I am looking forward to every entry in the “you think the dark ones are from Mallory” tag, every one, and also this is terrifyingly accurate, please don’t kill anyone’s dogs.
“i bet you think the dark ones are from mallory but nicole is really broken inside”
Definitely my new favorite tag.
Yes, every one of these is acceptable except for #23. No dogs need be harmed in an effective and successful long con.
Yeah, number 23 escalated quickly.
I blame Nicole entirely. Mallory is clearly a cat person. An anti-cat person.
I don’t know which is my favorite, the tampon one or the speech one. Wait, it’s definitely the tampon one.
The tampon one is fucking brilliant. So so fucking brilliant.
The tampon one is improved by stealthily removing a tampon from the box every now and then after you know she’s noticed it. Make sure she knows you aren’t on your period on those visits so she assumes someone else must be using them.
When the Ministry for Boyfriend Review* is too swamped to take your case you must take action yourself. “I love how you’ve introduced Annie to all these new hobbies but I know she’d like to [do the thing she’s enjoyed for years!] play board games tonight, you should come.” One’s flaws are made so readily apparent while playing board games you hardly need to do anything else. My crafty friends and I always adjust our competitiveness to throw off newcomers “Well, he sure took that a bit seriously” or “I don’t know why he can’t at least pretend to be interested in one of your favorite things” as the situation warrants.
*literally any person a friend of mine goes on two dates is subjected to Review. No one has ever passed.
That’s OK. Winning is more important than being liked.
Yes! A boyfriend of mine quickly became an ex-such after a single (6 hour, cutthroat) game of Monopoly. He did not appreciate my ruthless capitalism and threw the game board across the room after I bankrupted him. Also, he did not understand why his throwing the game board led to my immediate flight/fight response and carefully backing away from the relationship over the next couple of weeks. Board games be serious business, yo.
This is BRILLIANT. Board games bring out the worst in everyone.
I _tried_ this, and she gave her a few odd glances when she became entwined in a weirdly complicated game but then turned to playing the faster games at the other table with good humor. The girlfriend was so generally charming that when my friend mentioned potentially breaking up with her, we all silently shook our heads no.
(They didn’t. Otherwise, you know, I’d have gotten her address and would be trying to set her up with other friends.)
Smile sweetly and ask “Why would he think that?” every time your friend mentions that, “he is convinced you hate him.”
This has happened to me 3 times. Perhaps I am too protective of my friends.
My friend says this to me and I say ‘yes, you know I hate him. This is because he is a scumsucking sonofabitch. Everyone in your life hates him except you, and you only don’t hate him about 8% of the time.’
My roommate/good friend/college wife had a guy like that in her life at one point. He was coming over to hang out and she mentioned to me that he was a bit of afraid of being around me (he had recently been an asshat and made her cry and was generally an immature unworthy specimen). My response: “Good.”
Excellent list. A fun variation on #10 is to say “Bless his heart”. You can say all sorts of vicious insults as long as they are accompanied by this magical phrase.
For brits, ‘bless his little cotton socks’ is a good alternative.
Also. “I’m certain he didn’t MEAN to do (bad thing)”
OMG, adding “bless his little cotton socks” to my repertoire IMMEDIATELY.
I think I’ll stick with my current technique of sub-audibly whispering “but why” whenever his name is mentioned.
Him?
Egg?
I do #1 so often. Also, “wait, I thought you guys broke up?” for those friends who talk nonstop about how they have to break up with their boyfriends and never do.
I may have to steal this.
I absolutely have to steal this. The worst is when I actually think that they already broke up. And they haven’t.
Bookmarking this for when the Bergy BIts start dating.
Does that thought strike an icy fear into your heart? Because it did mine and I am not even related to them.
I dunno! I do anticipate Diva just fucking crushing all hearts within a 15 mile radius at some point.
My girl is 11, so I’m keeping this handy (again, except for #23) for the looming middle/high school years.
this is delightful
I like how this whiplashes from things like “suggest this movie” to “KILL HER DOG”. Seems reasonable.
in fairness the kill her dog one was mine
Mallory. We know.
Every time friend mentions how her boyfriend uses couch cushions instead of napkins, mention how much you enjoy the unsullied, pure white bedroom your glorious solitude allows you. When she talks about how he leaves his weed out where the maintenance man could see it, or can’t stay inside for more than a half an hour stretch, or wants her to move to the hinterlands so he can pursue his stupid dream, shake your head sadly with an unmistakable WHAT A LOSER look on your face and ask how his current job is doing (he doesn’t have one) or whether he’s better after his accident at the skate park (he goes to the skate park). Eventually the cumulative weight of his manchild misdeeds will become evident to her.
I am really really unsure why, given this evidence, you have to do anything to help the situation along.
But then again, a nice “you are always so supportive of his dreams, that’s so nice of you” is a handy phrase to keep around.
I have a lot of musician friends so I see instances like this more often than I’d like. My former best friend has a boyfriend like that. They’ve gotten together/broken up 7 times in 2 years (at least that I know about). We text occasionally, but that’s about it. It makes me sad thinking about it =(.
OMG. Save for the dog-killing, I really want to do this to my friend’s horrible, horrible bf. Is it wrong that I just want to gaslight the ever-living SHIT outta him? Reasons: he’s passionate about his ‘lifestyle’ (don’t ask), he makes her jealous ON PURPOSE and he is an all-around, mediocre manchild who’s insecure about her education, my education, people with interests etc. He’s not even really, like, funny or smart or goodlooking. Just blerg. It makes me depressed about dating, to be honest.
now I really want to know what his ‘lifestyle’ is
Let’s say it rhymes with “law tegan” and involves endlessly lecturing people on your moral superiority.
OH GOD NO
SAVE ME
She is moving in with him soon, and had a party with her roomie to celebrate this ‘next stage’ recently. When she tried to give a speech about how happy she was, he stood in the back of the room, and kept talking to someone. UGH
This is part of her own long-con scheme to drain his bank account and move to Martinique, right? He’s the spoiled heir to a diamond fortune or something, right? Tell her you want in.
I would so move to Martinique. I heard that the food’s a bit spicy, but I can handle the French part, at least.
A couple weeks ago, I was supposed to meet up with a friend who I had fallen out of touch with, but I noped out after I gleaned from facebook that her boyfriend (who was coming with) fancies himself something of a men’s rights activist. Now I’m tempted to reschedule so I can use these tips to get her to kick that f-er out of her life.
So what I’m saying here, is I think there are some people on whom use of these tactics would be entirely justifiable.
Dude…I’d LOVE to hear what he has to say after the past weekend’s shootings. Or the assault on the student at Queens by an MRA.
The MRA/PUA line of thought seems to be “He wouldn’t have had to shoot anyone if bitches had just has sex with him,” sooo…fill your mind with those rage marbles.
They’re not exactly unpredictable, are they.
Also seen a lot of MEN GOT MURDERED TOO WHY DOESN’T THE MEDIA TALK ABOUT HOW DANGEROUS IT IS TO BE A MAN????
UGH that response is the worst kind of misinformed trolling, because it ignores the fact that the shooter HATED OTHER MEN for sleeping with women, or being chosen by women instead of him. Still leads back to…oh yeah, his hatred of women.
Ugh
not enough men get murdered
If you reschedule, I’d be glad to tag along. I’ve lately had a lot of practice with explaining feminism 101 to open-minded coworkers, but I haven’t had the chance to practice it as a bloodsport.
Oh my God, my friend dated this guy for FIVE YEARS. He was also getting a philosophy PhD so he didn’t have the money to contribute to rent or…anything, which would have been fine if he had been emotionally supportive and not a complete slob.
She finally said she was breaking up with him and my other friend and I were like ‘Oh thank GOD, you can do so much better, here are all the ways he is horrible…’
…and then she decided not to break up with him, so that was awkward. She knew we hated him, we knew she knew we hated him and we all had to pretend we didn’t know any of that.
Oh man, in fairness I probably WAS that guy the first year of my phd. (Stress makes me a disgusting monster.) I’m not that guy anymore. Also, philosophy phds= mansplainers of the past, present, future.
It was the fifth year of his PhD. He was too busy Thinking Thoughts to actually write his dissertation. He may…still not be done with it, actually, and this was three years ago.
And yes, they totally are.
I majored in philosophy and this is true of far too many of us. It makes me nervous to talk about it at all because you can’t avoid sounding like you think you’re too cool for school.
This is the one instance where you could kill his dog, but you also need to cook it and serve it to him. Go big or go home.
This is some glorious misandry, right here.
Every time my friend [NAME REDACTED] gets a new boyfriend I’m like “ahahaha this one gonna end on some Left-Eye bullshit” and just wait it out
You visit his bathroom while they are having people over at his place and discreetly leave a new pink toothbrush that looks like it was recently used.
9. Never get his job title quite correct. If he’s an Associate Something, call him an Assistant Something. If he tries to correct you, he’ll seem both petty and vain for making sure you get it right.
I’m not proud, but I did this to my best friend’s (now husband) when they first started dating. Only it was his military service.
“Ken served in the Coast Guard!”
“Actually it was the Navy.”
Unfortunately this just made me look stupid.
Now see if you’d kept that straight but instead insisted on using his and Army terminology for ranks etc. interchangeably there’d be no (now husband)
Ugh. Live and learn. I’ve got other relationships I can sabotage I guess.
It took ten years, but this method finally worked with [REDACTED]. Solid advice, all of it. (Well. Almost all.)
Advice Columns by Ali of Hey Ladies
I once torpedoed a friendship by steadfastly referring to her bf as “nice to look at,” the implication being he had nothing else to recommend him. BUT IT WAS TRUE, HE DIDN’T.
A different, since-hs friend who I talk to on the phone a few times a year has an idiot boyfriend I can’t stand (he picked up our rabbit without asking! YOU DO NOT DO THAT THEY COULD BREAK THEIR BACKS FREAKING OUT). I simply never, ever ask how he’s doing, or acknowledge his existence. I will, however, send regards to the dog.
Hey, if you ask about the dog, you might get to see cute pictures! There are no possible benefits to asking about boyfriends.
I can vouch for the cuteness of said dog, whom said friend adopted with her previous idiot boyfriend. Him I was very clear about loathing for FOUR YEARS (they’d only been going out for a few months when she asked me in a sad small voice, “What do you do when someone doesn’t need you?”) until they finally broke up and she admitted she should’ve listened to me.
I’ve literally never heard that about rabbits in my life and I knew many rabbit owners growing up. I’m not saying you’re wrong, but holding it against someone for not knowing that seems really unfair. I’m sure you can find much better reasons to dislike him than that. 😉
Well, perhaps it was more that we told him to PUT IT DOWN immediately and he didn’t. But you’re right, he has MUCH worse qualities.
My roommate had some people over, and I came down, and this awful girlfriend of one of her friends was MAULING my cat. Just picking him up, cuddling him, and whenever he finally got away, going after him to do it again. He’s not a hider, more of a “keep on eye on things” kind of guy, so I knew he wouldn’t leave to protect himself cause he was worried about the intrusion. Also, he’s huge and mean, and can really hurt people when he snaps.
I said to her “hey, could you not pick him up, he’s already stressed by the other cat moving in a few weeks ago and by the party, and also he can be really aggressive”. And she says to me “OH HE’S FINE”. I almost popped from rage. You’re in his house, bitch, just leave him the fuck be. I hope he fucking bites your hand off.
We had another party recently, and I was doling out margaritas and full-on ignored her and didn’t give her a margarita. And I usually don’t hold grudges.
That was apropros of nothing, the whole thing just made me so mad and your rabbit story triggered my re-telling.
AUGH. Poor kitty! I hope you gave him many many soothing pets in the aftermath.
“The skull beneath the skin.”
Um.
So what does one do if the boyfriend in question is so unpleasant, antisocial and controlling that he refuses to interact with his GF’s friends and whinges when she goes out to see them, so one never gets to be rude to him to his face?
Every time she brings it up, talk about how you would be totally happy if he came along since *you* love her, and want her to have people in her life, and will hang out with anyone to be able to see her. You just can’t imagine not being willing to spend time with anyone who was important to her.
Tee hee. Would this necessitate starting to use his name and not just referring to him as dickface?
Absolutely not. Though I prefer to go with “And how is- uh” *pause* “oh, I can’t keep track, what is this one called again?”
Ask a lot of clarifying questions when she tells you about anything he’s done or said, alternating with “compliments”. “Oh, it’s so cool he invited you to the open mic night he’s playing, what time is it?” “Oh, he must be so committed to his music to ask his girlfriend to stay out so late on a school night when he knows she has a paper to write. How long has he been playing?” “Oh, so he keeps playing open mic nights even though it has been years and no one wants him to play his own gigs?” “He must be able to make the time for that since he isn’t advancing in his day job.”
I am continually and unintentionally blandly surprised by the presence of my friend’s husband. I’m not even trying to break them up, I just don’t get it. “You want him to come to dinner…with us? Why?”
I have been guilty of the passive-aggressive. “Oh, I didn’t realize you were still with him!”
also, “WOw, I was surprised when I met him because he is so not your type. Like he is really not your type. Like he is the opposite of every other person you have ever dated before. Hey remember the really sweet guy you dated who used to make you really great homemade Italian food? I wonder what he’s up to now. Anyhow, yeah, this new guy. Not what I expected at all. Not that there’s anything wrong with that!”
#31. ‘Accidentally’ respond to any and all Snapchats of him/them together with the same short video of you staring out a window and sighing
Is this something people Snapchat? Couples pics? I’m just trying to understand Snapchat. I’m 30, you see.
More like pics of his dumb face next to a bowl of guacamole they made together or something UGH
When they’re together, suggest therapy for her self-esteem issues while pointedly staring at him.
When you’re alone with her, ask “Is he… really good in bed or something?”
“So, how many other girls would you say he’s sleeping with? On average, I mean.”
Love love love the one where you rename his contacts to “Blonde Afternoons or Redhead Yoga Girl”
The best advice is, really, just to let them get married. Get married to something and constantly talk about how great it is to be married, how it’s everything the tales say it is. Your friends will only learn through suffering
my go-to has always been to emphatically refuse to learn his name, but that might be too obvious for this list (my college roommate dated stupid boy, hat, zbt guy, other zbt guy, and blonde kid, just to name a few)
also, you know this whole list goes down all the time with the Hey Ladies
I know this is for women, but as a guy, will some of these still be applicable to for my roommate’s boyfriend? Can most of these be used by me to rid her of him so I can make her mine?
Also, fun post.
Very funny
I’ve been on the receiving end of this once (as the girl with the guy who gets waited out).
It sucked.
I… dang, I really am the only one here who doesn’t get the joke. This is all horrible shit to do, yikes.
I get that there is a difference between seeing your friend choose an SO who is bad for her and resorting to passive aggressive behavior because you feel otherwise helpless to express that your friend has made an unhealthy choice for herself.
But then there are also the friends (or, ahem, family) who decide that they don’t like the SO for their own reasons, and do snippy little things like give the person a not so cute nickname and pretend it’s nbd when the person objects, or do thing #1 on this list all the time, years into the relationship, or make small, vaguely snide remarks about this SO to the friend and pretend they didn’t really mean it “that way.”
That shit hurts, your friend is not oblivious to it, and maybe there’s a better way interact with this person you care about without making her feel subtly judged for the not so small choice of a significant other in her life.
I read it as a laugh out loud, don’t do this thing. But maybe do some parts in a pinch, where your friend is seriously not open to conversations and you’ve given her “Gift of Fear” and she won’t read it.
Literally the first tag is “advice for sociopaths”.
I was pretty horrified too until I saw that tag and then it all made sense.
This is some serious house of cards action.
Okay, I read this whole list thinking of the Seinfeld episode about waiting out a relationship so you could pounce on one or the other partner once it failed. It made a lot more sense once I realized it’s actually about waiting for an idiot to get clear out of both your lives.