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Home: The Toast

apology1. Think about how much it’s not really your fault.

2. Think about what a beautiful apology you would offer them, if they were here now, and they said how sorry they were first, in the sort of way where as soon as you see one another’s faces you both know how sorry you both are (but they’re more sorry because they’re even more wrong than you), so your apology would be really more of a gracious benediction than an admission of wrongdoing. Think about what a good person you are, apologizing like that. Let this imaginary reconciliation embed itself permanently into your memory.

3. Imagine how terrible they would feel if you got sick, really sick, like hit by a car and found out you also had MS while you were in the hospital getting treated for all your accident scars, and this would feel like such a tiny blip in comparison that the two of you wouldn’t even talk about this again, because it would just be water under the bridge and what really matters is making sure you get better.

4. Quit your job. It’s not related, but it will relieve the pressure.

5. Plan on apologizing. Think very seriously and very intently about exactly when and under what circumstances you would be willing to apologize. Hold out for your specifications; you will apologize on your terms or you won’t apologize at all.

6. Do something worse that overshadows the first thing.

7. Emigration.

8. Apologize to someone else for something wholly unrelated and with much smaller stakes.

9. JUST DIE FOR NO REASON.

10. Don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it okay fine do it never do anything again.

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