1. Think about how much it’s not really your fault.
2. Think about what a beautiful apology you would offer them, if they were here now, and they said how sorry they were first, in the sort of way where as soon as you see one another’s faces you both know how sorry you both are (but they’re more sorry because they’re even more wrong than you), so your apology would be really more of a gracious benediction than an admission of wrongdoing. Think about what a good person you are, apologizing like that. Let this imaginary reconciliation embed itself permanently into your memory.
3. Imagine how terrible they would feel if you got sick, really sick, like hit by a car and found out you also had MS while you were in the hospital getting treated for all your accident scars, and this would feel like such a tiny blip in comparison that the two of you wouldn’t even talk about this again, because it would just be water under the bridge and what really matters is making sure you get better.
4. Quit your job. It’s not related, but it will relieve the pressure.
5. Plan on apologizing. Think very seriously and very intently about exactly when and under what circumstances you would be willing to apologize. Hold out for your specifications; you will apologize on your terms or you won’t apologize at all.
6. Do something worse that overshadows the first thing.
7. Emigration.
8. Apologize to someone else for something wholly unrelated and with much smaller stakes.
9. JUST DIE FOR NO REASON.
10. Don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it okay fine do it never do anything again.
Tags: apologies, friendship, human connection and how to avoid it, relationships, the ties that bind
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11. Beauty is truth, and wouldn’t it be beautiful if nothing had actually happened? Maybe if you pretend hard enough they’ll think nothing did happen and then won’t they look like a crazy asshole for holding this completely imaginary offense against you. What a grim inner life they must lead.
OMG I have a friend who has LITERALLY NEVER APOLOGIZED FOR ANYTHING. This is her version of apologizing: “I know I did that (really bad) thing…… but you deserved it.”
ARE YOU HER?
That person doesn’t sound like a very good friend.
It’s true.
I have one of those but his version is “I know you’re offended….. but you just don’t understand my superior logic/I don’t let emotions cloud my reason like you.”
Is his name Ted?
and does he make delicious mini pizzas?
12. Apologize in such a dramatic and self-obsessed way that they unconsciously try to avoid situations where you’ll need to apologize in the future.
Once I’m done saying I’m sorry, we’ll both be sorry.
…Anne Shirley?
I knew I got it from somewhere.
Bonus points if you can act so upset that they end up apologizing to you instead.
Oh god yes this. People who think apologising is about them throwing a temper tantrum or sinking into dramatic depression and spending hours crying and telling you what a horrible human being they are… ugh ugh ugh. We used to end up spending HOURS comforting these people but now we just say, “”Yes.” As in, yes, it is too bad you did that terrible thing, isn’t it? Yes, it’s a good thing you feel awful about it. Maybe that will keep you from doing it next time!
Mallory, I like that you encourage us to quit our jobs all the time. How freeing it would be!
Just
OBstacles to
Solitude
brb, scrawling this in blood on my whiteboard.
Twelve years ago, we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steve Just OBstacles to Solitude, and now…
oh lord it’s true
Earlier I apologized to a friend for not going out with him, because I had made dinner reservations with my boyfriend several weeks ago, and he was like WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING WHY
audfhhhfhiug
13. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
The gold standard of non-apologies
Are you sorry I feel that way because it forces you to consider my feelings and empathize with my situation? Maybe? No?
Have you ever considered, and this is just a suggestion, feeling a different way? It seems like it might work out better. I am, still, really and truly sorry for how your current approach to dealing with the words I say and things I do is making you unhappy, and commiserate with you fully.
;grl;hgfkdnhbel;fainl;dakbnel;sdakgnvds.mkv
OMG THE HATRED OF THAT PHRASE IS BURNING MY BRAIN.
asdasfdasfdsafs
Mom, is that you?
1. Arrange time and place to meet, ostensibly to apologize
2. Put blood capsules in your mouth, securely hidden under tongue.
3. Begin to speak, but before you say the words of apology, pierce the blood capsules surreptitiously with your teeth.
4. Cough out the blood in a horrific and pitiful display, preferably spraying it into the air/onto their clothing.
5. Inform the intended that you have “a touch of the consumption” that is acting up, and will have to reschedule for another day
6. ??? Probably won’t come up again because they won’t want to catch tuberculosis.
I think you’d have to use actual blood if you’re going to get it on their clothing. Fake blood washes out too easily.
I’ve got no problem with that. It’s not hard to find yourself a pint of blood in this day and age. Or a gallon. Hell give me a few hours, I’ll get you all the blood you want. STILL easier than apologizing.
Gotta put Saran wrap on the surface to keep it from clotting.
Or just get a slice blood sausage, throw it at them. Points for effort, you know?
Elaborate schemes are an entirely acceptable form of apology.
As is falling to the floor and wailing with shame.
“Holy crap! You’re huge!” <falls to the ground> <keens> “Your pregnant belly is significantly larger than it was the last time I saw you, I did not expect the gestation to be this far along, you look lovely, lovely, oh god I’m going to hell, immediately, probably, and I deserve it.”
You know what? I’m selling the elaborate scheme short. Nothing makes up for an indiscretion like something involving props and maybe having them rescue you from bandits and falling into their arms.
Where you’ll get the bandits, I don’t know. Community theatre, probably.
“Where you’ll get the bandits, I don’t know. Community theatre, probably.”
This is the best thing I have read all week. Possibly all month.
Wait, wouldn’t it be better if you rescued them from bandits? Because then if they still expect an apology they’re just being petty, I mean, you RESCUED them from BANDITS, if that doesn’t make up for your sins I don’t know what will.
(… I’m trying this the next time I piss my husband off. I KNOW SOME OUT-OF-WORK ACTORS AND I BET SOME OF THEM HAVE BANDIT COSTUMES ALREADY.)
… Why didn’t I think of that? What’s wrong with me?
Yes, OBVIOUSLY.
Oh man, I kind I’ve feel like I’ve done #6, intentionally or not, more often than I care to admit.
14. Rehearse an apology. Or type it into an email. Then think it over and decide that this apology sounds insincere, or melodramatic, or self-centered. Plus you don’t really understand why you did the thing in the first place, yet, so it’s tough to properly apologize for it. Scrap it. You’ll apologize later, when you can come up with a better way to say it.
Man, you are hitting me hard today. It’s only Wednesday, I don’t need all these awakenings!
15. But really, this is an great opportunity to stop being friends. They do that thing you don’t like? And you’d have to abase yourself for acting like an ass. No one wants that. You have too many friends as it is.
Really what kind of friend would make you apologize to them instead of apologizing to you anyway
15. Be Canadian, and have your existence be an apology.
Make your apology so abject and prolonged and self-abasing that sitting through it and validating your feelings and helping you out of the emotional black hole you’ve thrown yourself into is more unpleasant than whatever caused you to apologize in the first place.
This is adequate revenge as a last resort for being forced to apologize, but does not evade the basic problem that if you apologize in a way that could be in the least bit remotely construed as sincere that is documented court-admissible proof that you were wrong, and ever really needed to apologize in the first place. Better, far better, to just change your name and move to Mexico. And now look what they made you do.
Canada. Move to Canada. Then you’ll never need to apologize again.
Not so. The ability to apologize profusely over minor incidents is a requirement on the citizenship test.
You wouldn’t be a citizen, you’d be an US expat. The Canadians would chalk it up to your United-Statesianness.
What about, “Drop match, turn around, put on sunglasses, walk away slowly from explosion.” I feel like that should be in there.
#17.
MALLORY STOP ENCOURAGING ME TO QUIT MY JOB
I have to MOVE in a month come on Mallory
"Where you'll get the bandits, I don't know. Community theatre, probably."
This is the best thing I have read all week. Possibly all month.
Not so. The ability to apologize profusely over minor incidents is a requirement on the citizenship test.
A variation on #3 actually happened to me. And I will spend the rest of my life not really knowing how to feel about that.
A variation on #3 actually happened to me. And I will spend the rest of my life not really knowing how to feel about that.
Then there’s the friend who waits a week to send an email that says “I’m sorry you’re hurting.”
Not “I’m sorry I hurt you”.
Because, you know, it’s never about you.
Sometimes it is just time to call it quits.
… Are you my mother?