Previously in this series: Dirtbag Arthur Miller.
Can I buy a match, please?
[The Little Match Girl uses every match in the book at once to light her cigarette]
i dont know
can you
thats a nice looking tree
Thank you
nice looking house
thank you
nice looking dinner
can I have some
I’m so sorry, do I know you?
can i have some of that dinner
I think you should go home
fine i’ll just sit here on this nice doorstep of yours
be a real shame if someone froze to death on this nice doorstep
***
the ocean is bullshit
would you like legs instead
you could live somewhere else if you had legs
legs are bullshit
okay
so do you want them or
fine
at least its different bullshit
but you’ll have to give something up in exchange for them
your voice
talking is bullshit
okay so can I have it then
you tell me
your the one who likes voices so much, you tell me
oh, sister
you’re going to have to kill the prince
i’m so sorry
okay
and his bride
yeah
we spoke to the sea witch
it’s the only way to keep you alive
you must coat your legs in their blood
i’m so sorry
i know you love him
but it’s the only way
its cool its done
what?
i just finished
then you knew?
knew what
that it would save your life?
save my what
what are you doing?
wow i thought the ocean was full of fish
not questions
Ah, The Little Mermaid. Where the Prince is already a Dirt Bag, so what can you do? Seriously, that story. Was it even written to be romantic? He literally treats her like a puppy, she sleeps on a rug in his room. I’d stab the motherfucker too.
Fanfic: The little mermaid stabbed the prince, grabbed his bride’s hand, and they ran into the frothy sea to live together forever as mermaids.
I remember reading an article that pointed out it’s to the prince’s credit that he doesn’t fall for the Little Mermaid, but instead for someone who can actually talk and express herself and have a conversation with him. The Little Mermaid is all but I made myself the perfect silent sex object 4U!
But yeah, the treating her as a pet is not cool.
truefact: my photographer friend is planning a shoot where the theme is Fairy Tales Grown Up, where everyone’s a darker adult version of their story selves, and I immediately volunteered to be the Little Match Girl, because. Well.
Little Red Riding Hood: angry roller derby-ist.
My kid played Little Red in her drama camp’s production of Into the Woods last weekend. Her favorite part was coming out later in Act 1 wearing the wolf skins and brandishing the knife at Jack.
Lil’ dirtbag in training.
Ahhhh I would love to see that when it’s done! Will there be an online gallery?
I’m sure there will be 🙂 For mine we need a good heavy snowfall, so it won’t be happening for a few months at least. We tried to do it last winter but we were POLAR VORTEXED INTO JOTUNHEIM AND BACK so it just never happened.
But Jotunheim is perfect for Dystopic Fairy Tales! Provided you leave out all Mermaid-related ones.
I instantly want more murderous mermaid fiction.
oh hi i write about murderous mermaids kind of a lot
Mermaids are my JAM. So much so that I’ve got on tattooed on my arm, sitting on a crab and reading a book.
I am already on chapter three :)!!!!!!
Eeeek!!! Thank you for reading!! I’m so excited. 😀 😀
It, uh…isn’t finished. Because I am terrible at finishing fic-things. BUT I WILL VALIANTLY TRY.
yes, hello, i don’t want to bother or rush you or anything but i’m gonna need you to finish this because i LOVE IT!!! and I NEED MORE!!!
Frightened my partner last night by yelling ‘WHERE IS THE REST OF THE MERMAID STORY? THEY JUST GOT TO THE KILLINGS!’.
Thank you for the story so far. ^.^ It’s super good.
as a murderous mermaid myself, this is Relevant To My Interests, thank you
Ahhh, welcome!
Related: Have you seen this?
“I don’t know, can you” may be THE quintessential dirtbag utterance.
talking is bullshit, tho
I’m not sure I can get down with the Little Match Girl being a dirtbag.
“be a real shame if someone froze to death on this nice doorstep”
mallory how did you go back in time and record conversations at my house when i was at my most angsty
you timeage dirtbag you
she stole your delorean
because she is a dirtbag
karen from the red shoes is already a dirtbag.
my sweet adoptive daughter, stay by my deathbed.
no i think i’m gonna go dancing
i’ve brought you up as my own flesh and blood
cool bye
Yesssssssssssssss. I ship Dirtbag Little Match Girl and Dirtbag Little Mermaid forever.
Loooove this. I once got to tell a room full of 12 year old girls that the little mermaid dies in the original version. It was a great moment for me.
Reading this made me wonder what a Dirtbag Snow Queen would be like, which then made me really really want to read Dirtbag Frozen, and then Dirtbag All Disney Movies.
The Snow Queen already has the dirtbag lesbian Robber Girl, which is why it is the best fairy tale ever.
O my god, the Robber Girl. As a child, I fell in love with all the wicked sexy women in fairy tales — the Snow Queen, Maleficent — but the proto-lesbian characters like the Robber Girl snagged in my mind in a different way. They didn’t float to the surface of my consciousness until much later. Such a wonderful butch, hiding in plain sight.
Kai is a canon dirtbag, right? And the snow queen and her snowflake bees and her awesome furs and kissing people twice and then just leaving them hanging around her house forever – she might could qualify.
I want a dirtbag Gerda.
Thumbelina gets kidnapped by a toad who wants her to marry his son, and then she ends up living with a mouse who tries to pimp her out to a mole. Lotta dirtbags in that story.
wait thats the ACTUAL plot? :mind blown:
This is the version I quickly re-read earlier, try not to laugh at the liberal use of the word “cockchafer” like I did.
‘Now you must work at your outfit this summer,’ said the Field Mouse to her … ‘You shall have woollen and linen clothes both; you will lack nothing when you have become the Mole’s wife.’
When autumn came on, Thumbelina had all her outfit ready.
‘In four weeks you shall celebrate your wedding,’ said the Field Mouse to her.
But Thumbelina wept, and declared she would not have the tiresome Mole.
‘Nonsense,’ said the Field Mouse; ‘don’t be obstinate, or I will bite you with my white teeth. He is a very fine man whom you will marry. The queen herself has not such a black velvet fur; and his kitchen and cellar are full. Be thankful for your good fortune.’
Yesssssss dirtbags are my most favorite
your the one who likes voices so much, you tell me
Dirtbags know it’s “you’re” but they also know how pissed off it makes you when they use “your”.
My favorite thing about Mallory’s Dirtbags besides everything is how perfectly she uses the wrong punctuation.
The original Little Mermaid story is HORRIFIC! As a child I loooooved Disney’s version (which in hindsight is problematic in other ways– but still delightful!) and was so excited to get “the real” version. The plot climax is a conspiracy for double homicide… and then ALL THE MERMAIDS ARE STUCK IN PURGATORY? What the EFF???
In conclusion: Team Seawitch
http://www.redwombatstudio.com/blog/2013/11/05/th…
Whoa, chills at the end of that.
Yeah, there’s really no kind of happiness anywhere in the Little Mermaid’s story.
The original Little Mermaid made me SOOO upset I drew all over the last page. And the movie made me cry because she wouldn’t be able to see her dad anymore.
They’re stuck in purgatory and kept there by children being bad.
“Wow, what an ugly duckling.”
“Hey, get fucked.”
“Wow, what a foul-mouthed duckling.”
“Who asked you anyway. I’m taking this sandwich, by the way.”
“granny, what big ears you have!”
“the better to hear you with, my dear”
“you never listen to me uggghhh you aren’t my real granny”
“wha-”
*Red stabs the wolf with a hidden dagger*
“fuckkin men”, she mutters as she puts the dagger back in the basket without bothering to clean the blood off
“wow i thought the ocean was full of fish not questions”
I love this so so much.
These are SO much better than the original versions!!
My kid played Little Red in her drama camp's production of Into the Woods last weekend. Her favorite part was coming out later in Act 1 wearing the wolf skins and brandishing the knife at Jack.
Lil' dirtbag in training.
Dirtbag Nightingale:
Dying Emperor: Sing for me one last time, please!
Nightingale: smell ya later, old man *zooms off on skateboard*
Dirtbag Emperor’s New Clothes:
Little boy: heh heh, that dude is totally bare *takes photos, uploads to Instagram*
Dirtbag Nightingale:
Dying Emperor: Sing for me one last time, please!
Nightingale: smell ya later, old man *zooms off on skateboard*
Dirtbag Emperor's New Clothes:
Little boy: heh heh, that dude is totally bare *takes photos, uploads to Instagram*
I don’t remember if it’s HCA, but Dirtbag The Boy Who Couldn’t Feel Fear is just… he already is. Pure dirtbag.
no bring on the corpses
that’s fine
just some corpses hanging from the trees
i’m gonna take a nap under these corpses
everything is nothing
i mean
whatever
wow i thought the ocean was full of fish
not questions
I want nothing more than to find a use for this in my daily life.
as a murderous mermaid myself, this is Relevant To My Interests, thank you
I’m reading my seven-year-old the original Grimm’s fairy tales. I get a great deal of delight out seeing his sweet little face when I read about canabalistic parents, dead animals, and bloody feet.
Being able to scare the shit out of your children is one of the best reasons to have them.
This summer I got to tell a bunch of adults the original Grimm’s version of Sleeping Beauty. They had never heard anything except the Disney version and they had no idea old school fairy tales were dark. Their faces were WONDERFUL.
Ahhh, welcome!
Related: Have you seen this?
Eeeek!!! Thank you for reading!! I'm so excited. 😀 😀
It, uh…isn't finished. Because I am terrible at finishing fic-things. BUT I WILL VALIANTLY TRY.
That’s the Little Match Girl illustration from American Girl Magazine. It was in either Issue 1 or 2, IIRC. Anyone else get all nostalgigated?
YES!
That's the Little Match Girl illustration from American Girl Magazine. It was in either Issue 1 or 2, IIRC. Anyone else get all nostalgigated?
(Also: you want Hans Christian Andersen dirtbags, try The Girl Who Trod On The Loaf.)
(Also: you want Hans Christian Andersen dirtbags, try The Girl Who Trod On The Loaf.)