No decision in life will be as complex and difficult as the selection of your doula. The hopes of so many young families have been dashed simply by selecting a doula who is inexperienced or hostile or simply not in fact a doula but a bike courier. You’ll want to prepare for the interview process thoroughly to avoid some of the common pitfalls of doula selection, or “doulection,” as some people (not many) call it.
Meet your doula in a neutral location. You don’t want to prejudice your choice by being influenced by the atmosphere of the meeting place. In a coffee shop you’ll feel ordinary. At a bowling alley you’ll feel horny. So just meet in a hardware store and move on.
When you meet the doula, place both your hands flat on their face immediately, then gently pull them back, slowly exposing the doula’s forehead, eyes and nose. This is the way your child will enter the world. This is the way you will meet your doula.
They will give their name. If it is something like “Christine” or “Greg”, rename them immediately. Give them something more doula-ish, like “Ranisse” or “Floderick.”
Note what the doula is wearing. Have they selected a smart business ensemble or a casual weekend outfit? What does that headband say about their attitude towards your unborn child? Is that poncho hiding a hatred of visible minorities? On the blessed day they will be covered in liquids you have made inside your body for all to see/smell, so you have to glean as much you can from their clothing now.
The doula will try to give you a resume. Do not pay any attention to it. A resume cannot begin to convey enough about a person who will so dramatically affect the life of your child and your family. Instead, drop the resume on the ground. When the doula bends over to pick it up, cut off a piece of their hair. Eat the hair. Taste their spirit.
Ask the doula what they consider to be the ideal birthing experience. As they describe their vision, you’ll want to make sure they hit the three Ds of the doula: Dote, Dab, and Dominate. The doula must show that they understand they have to control the birthing dojo (you’ll want to give birth in a dojo) and that while sensitivity is important, control is paramount. If the lighting is wrong, the doula must fix it. If there are too many people in the room, the doula must move people out. If a child wanders in wondering when karate is starting, the doula must tell the child that it will be at least 10 more minutes.
You should give the doula the opportunity to ask questions. Remind them that there are such things as stupid questions and you will not tolerate them. Stare at each other in silence until someone comes by and asks you where the plumbing fixtures are.
Always keep in mind through this process that this person will be witness to one of the most important moments in your life, so you’ll need to ensure that they aren’t a cop. Ask them specifically “Are you a cop?” They might say no. If they say no, tell them that if they are a cop they have to tell you so. If they still say no, ask them to lift up their shirt to show that they’re not wearing a wire. This will give you the opportunity to see if your doula is physically fit/open with their body. Both are good pieces of information, in addition to knowing whether or not they are a cop.
The doula will want to know when the interview is over. You should signal this by stating “This interview is over.” But before they go tell them that you enjoyed meeting them and that you’ll seriously consider their candidacy. Tell them that you just want to bring a child into the world purely, with understanding and love, to become part of something that doesn’t know judgement or fear or pain. Also tell them whether you’re actually pregnant or even seeing anyone seriously. They may have made assumptions that you should correct.
Tags: advice, doulas, humor, nicole loves doulas don’t be mad, s.h. carlyle
My doula’s name was Kathy and she was almost certainly not a cop. I paid her several hundred dollars to basically tell me to relax my feet for 8 hours or so, and she was worth every penny.
The point at which I lost it with this article was “You’ll want to give birth in a dojo.”
I learned a new word today.
What’s the difference between a doula and a midwife exactly?
I have always wondered this! Well when I heard about ‘doulas’ that is.
I think when you buy organic milk, you have a midwife. When you get it unpasteurized from a local co-op run by two sisters named Moon and Universe Child, you have a doula.
It’s directly correlated with the likelihood that you have attempted to make your own kombucha.
Nurse midwives are licensed medical practitioners, doulas are not, although they are sometimes certified by their professional organizations. Basically your doula is looking after your non-medical wellbeing (at least, non-directly-medical) and your midwife is doing the healthcare. My doula came over to my house several times to help me out with a long early labor vs. the midwives who did not want to see me until the contractions were at a certain frequency and intensity.
“Help me out” = advise me how to labor more comfortably, reassure me when I got concerned, took over from my husband so he could go get a nap, etc. She had also talked with me about my birth plan a lot beforehand, so there was still somebody who was calm, competent, and in-the-loop on our team even if the nurses had a shift change and/or I was melting down. She also took pictures. :3 An excellent use of money.
Oh, so it’s like having an experienced sister who knows about pregnancy and other feminine things for hire. Useful!
Doulas are for help before, during, and after birth (my mom’s doula doubled as childcare for a few months postpartum) and don’t do as much strictly-medical stuff; the midwife is the person who gives you medical assistance with gestating and extracting your kid.
As my friend (who is a doula) nicely explained it, the midwife is their to concentrate on the baby, while the doula is there to support the mother.
errr I don’t think that’s right. Do midwives just wait for the baby to be born before they say or do anything?
It might be a symptom of Western society’s craziness to monetize what used to be supplied by close friends or family (calm experienced non-medicalized support through labour and beyond), but I would say it’s crazier to expect women to simply forgo it.
Unexpectedly, research has found that when the doulas with no ties to the laboring person – including familial – the outcomes are better. Ditto when doulas are unaffiliated with the medical establishment. The theory I’ve read (when I went to doula training) (I’m not practicing though since I’m a medical professional) is that being completely un-beholden to anyone but the client means the doula can truly serve their needs best, whereas even within kin and family groups there can be mixed pressures. Unfortunately I don’t have time to look up my research right now because I just got off a 12 hour Labor & Delivery nursing shift and work again tonight and must sleep now!
Interesting! Hope you are having a great sleep.
Also that one may not necessarily have an experienced family member, as we get away from really large families and stay-at-home lady relatives, the likelihood one’s older sister/cousin/whoever is super comfortable and knowledgeable about the birth process and has the time to devote to you for potentially 24 hours+ around the birth in addition to being on call about 2 weeks before or after your due date is just not as likely as it once was.
No, completely! That’s why we need doulas. Because they offer support we need, but don’t get elsewhere. I’m not saying it should be family, but that we do need support.
It’s more of the lack of knowledge by women on how to help women and about childbirth. Don’t we all wish our sisters, mothers, aunts, cousins etc had given birth and breastfed so they could understand and suppor every step of the way
It’s my understanding that, in addition to what’s mentioned above, midwives are, like a regular doctor, concerned with the wellbeing of the baby. Doulas are there solely to advocate for the pregnant person and their needs, as the pregnant person is often too busy screaming their head off to remind their medical practitioner about their birthing plan or refuse/request certain treatments if that’s the doctor’s plan.
Midwives are healthcare providers who deliver the baby and provide medical care to the mom and baby. Doulas are non-medical labor coaches and general pregnancy/birth/postpartum support persons.
“Are you a cop? If you’re a cop, you have to tell me,” is in heavy rotation when it comes to “gibberish I say to strange but seemingly friendly animals.”
Midwives have nursing graduate degrees and doulas are merely certified after taking a course, I believe.
This is the way your child will enter the world. This is the way you will meet your doula.
Too good. Also, I would not be okay with Trelawney as my doula. She would spend the whole time making bs predictions and I would spend the whole time wanting to kick her in the face.
Well, all her predictions would be true, you’d just never understand them in time for them to be useful to you.
‘If a child wanders in wondering when karate is starting, the doula must tell the child that it will be at least 10 more minutes.’ hahahahahahahahahhah
Wrong. Doula's aren't merel ycertified after taking a course. Certification is a two year process and there's A LOT that goes into it.
I was very confused until I realized that I was thinking of “tulpa”, not “doula”.
Do you have any tips on interviewing my tulpa?
This doula has a master's degree!
In what?