Tips on Interviewing Your Doula -The Toast

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No decision in life will be as complex and difficult as the selection of your doula. The hopes of so many young families have been dashed simply by selecting a doula who is inexperienced or hostile or simply not in fact a doula but a bike courier. You’ll want to prepare for the interview process thoroughly to avoid some of the common pitfalls of doula selection, or “doulection,” as some people (not many) call it.

Meet your doula in a neutral location. You don’t want to prejudice your choice by being influenced by the atmosphere of the meeting place. In a coffee shop you’ll feel ordinary. At a bowling alley you’ll feel horny. So just meet in a hardware store and move on.

When you meet the doula, place both your hands flat on their face immediately, then gently pull them back, slowly exposing the doula’s forehead, eyes and nose. This is the way your child will enter the world. This is the way you will meet your doula.

They will give their name. If it is something like “Christine” or “Greg”, rename them immediately. Give them something more doula-ish, like “Ranisse” or “Floderick.”

Note what the doula is wearing. Have they selected a smart business ensemble or a casual weekend outfit? What does that headband say about their attitude towards your unborn child? Is that poncho hiding a hatred of visible minorities? On the blessed day they will be covered in liquids you have made inside your body for all to see/smell, so you have to glean as much you can from their clothing now.

The doula will try to give you a resume. Do not pay any attention to it. A resume cannot begin to convey enough about a person who will so dramatically affect the life of your child and your family. Instead, drop the resume on the ground. When the doula bends over to pick it up, cut off a piece of their hair. Eat the hair. Taste their spirit.

Ask the doula what they consider to be the ideal birthing experience. As they describe their vision, you’ll want to make sure they hit the three Ds of the doula: Dote, Dab, and Dominate. The doula must show that they understand they have to control the birthing dojo (you’ll want to give birth in a dojo) and that while sensitivity is important, control is paramount. If the lighting is wrong, the doula must fix it. If there are too many people in the room, the doula must move people out. If a child wanders in wondering when karate is starting, the doula must tell the child that it will be at least 10 more minutes.

You should give the doula the opportunity to ask questions. Remind them that there are such things as stupid questions and you will not tolerate them. Stare at each other in silence until someone comes by and asks you where the plumbing fixtures are.

Always keep in mind through this process that this person will be witness to one of the most important moments in your life, so you’ll need to ensure that they aren’t a cop. Ask them specifically “Are you a cop?” They might say no. If they say no, tell them that if they are a cop they have to tell you so. If they still say no, ask them to lift up their shirt to show that they’re not wearing a wire. This will give you the opportunity to see if your doula is physically fit/open with their body. Both are good pieces of information, in addition to knowing whether or not they are a cop.

The doula will want to know when the interview is over. You should signal this by stating “This interview is over.” But before they go tell them that you enjoyed meeting them and that you’ll seriously consider their candidacy. Tell them that you just want to bring a child into the world purely, with understanding and love, to become part of something that doesn’t know judgement or fear or pain. Also tell them whether you’re actually pregnant or even seeing anyone seriously. They may have made assumptions that you should correct.

S.H. Carlyle is a humor writer whose work has been featured on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, American Public Media’s The Dinner Party Download, and various other places. He has been described as “off-putting,” “creepy,” and "please just pay your bill and leave."

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