Amy Collier’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.
It’s not murder if the murderee is sleeping.
It’s not malpractice if the patient’s anesthetized.
It’s not theft if no one’s home.
It’s not battery if you’re hitting someone who is both female but also pregnant.
It’s not a bank robbery if you’re a cowboy and you’re in the Old West and you point a gun at the teller and ask him to hand over “All the money” and you leave the bank with many bagfuls of money, laughing quietly under your black handkerchief as you pass by a “WANTED FOR BANK ROBBERIES” sign with your face on it.
It’s not necrophilia if the corpse is dead.
It’s not kidnapping if you use enough formaldehyde.
It’s not embezzlement if the island you buy is remote.
It’s not stabbing if you use, like, a really, really sharp knife.
It’s not assault if you draw cartoon sleeping eyes over the person’s face as they struggle against you.
It’s not arson if the building burns down all the way.
It’s not Ebola if it’s a mononegavirus containing linear nonsegmented, single-strand, non-infectious RNA genomes approximately 19 kilobase pairs long which contain seven genes in the order 3′-UTR-NP-VP35-VP40-GP-VP30-VP24-L-5′-UTR, but also it’s in Africa.
You’re not a wizard if an owl delivers a parchment scroll to your house informing you of your acceptance to Hogwarts, but you were born with this weird ability to communicate with snakes, and the two seem mutually exclusive to you.
It’s not drunk driving if you’re also high.
It’s not Byrillium if it is an alkaline earth metal which appears on the Periodic table of Elements under the symbol Be, and you pick up a rock of it, uncap a sharpie and write “Definitely Byrillium” on it.
It’s not genocide if it’s just one race.
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a rape apologist.