Amy Collier’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.
It’s not murder if the murderee is sleeping.
It’s not malpractice if the patient’s anesthetized.
It’s not theft if no one’s home.
It’s not battery if you’re hitting someone who is both female but also pregnant.
It’s not a bank robbery if you’re a cowboy and you’re in the Old West and you point a gun at the teller and ask him to hand over “All the money” and you leave the bank with many bagfuls of money, laughing quietly under your black handkerchief as you pass by a “WANTED FOR BANK ROBBERIES” sign with your face on it.
It’s not necrophilia if the corpse is dead.
It’s not kidnapping if you use enough formaldehyde.
It’s not embezzlement if the island you buy is remote.
It’s not stabbing if you use, like, a really, really sharp knife.
It’s not assault if you draw cartoon sleeping eyes over the person’s face as they struggle against you.
It’s not arson if the building burns down all the way.
It’s not Ebola if it’s a mononegavirus containing linear nonsegmented, single-strand, non-infectious RNA genomes approximately 19 kilobase pairs long which contain seven genes in the order 3′-UTR-NP-VP35-VP40-GP-VP30-VP24-L-5′-UTR, but also it’s in Africa.
You’re not a wizard if an owl delivers a parchment scroll to your house informing you of your acceptance to Hogwarts, but you were born with this weird ability to communicate with snakes, and the two seem mutually exclusive to you.
It’s not drunk driving if you’re also high.
It’s not Byrillium if it is an alkaline earth metal which appears on the Periodic table of Elements under the symbol Be, and you pick up a rock of it, uncap a sharpie and write “Definitely Byrillium” on it.
It’s not genocide if it’s just one race.
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a rape apologist.
Tags: advice, amy collier, bullshit, ceelo green, rape
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I think maybe what happened is he did some really shallow reading on Automatism as a criminal defense and got confused.
This is so amazing.
Although, in non-article related things, I am not sure how to feel about you having to explain who Fabio is. Old. I should probably just feel old.
If you have to be old to know Fabio then 23 is old.
My mother has an autographed picture of Fabio because he bought a car from my aunt when she was doing automobile sales in Hollywood. I cannot get over that.
Fabio was totally promoting some protein powder diet thing at a Whole Foods in Seattle all of a year or two ago, so someone out there still thinks he’s relevant.
Probably the same person who thought a commercial with Laurence Fishburne reprising his role of Morpheus would sell cars.
I got a good, witch-like cackle out of this. Thank you.
It’s not Byrillium if it is an alkaline earth metal which appears on the Periodic table of Elements under the symbol Be, and you pick up a rock of it, uncap a sharpie and write “Definitely Byrillium” on it.
the best
#notallducks
#notalldrakes
i am that asshole i’m sorry
excuse me you leave aubrey OUT OF THIS
But can it be a rape apologist if it is also a person who was accused of rape? Check and mate.
(ughhhhhhhhhhhh)
It’s not evil to blackmail a person if I’m only going to do it once. (TM Prudie)
Oh, part of me so wants to know more, but I know I’ll regret it!
Surely you mean chloroform, not formaldehyde? (would be funny if I spelled that wrong, which I probably did.)
Yeah, I absolutely meant chloroform. Although, now I’m thinking formaldehyde still works in a darker way…
I lost it at ebola. Excellent.
Yeah, I absolutely meant chloroform. Although, now I'm thinking formaldehyde still works in a darker way…
I have an autographed photo of Fabio rolling the surf because I met him at Whole Foods and he was *so charming* – it hangs in the front hall next to a late-60s embroidery of Jesus. They're lovely.
One of the people in that twitter conversation is a friend of mine from high school. I bask in her reflected glory.
I’d like to pretend that I live on a planet where a “rape apologist” is someone who apologizes profusely for raping someone, or for participating in rape culture, even. It’s nice here. Real nice.
Probably the same person who thought a commercial with Laurence Fishburne reprising his role of Morpheus would sell cars.