Unhappy Mothers In Western Art History

by Mallory Ortberg · October 2, 2014

mother6

don’t say a word
don’t say a fucking word
i wasn’t even saying anything
great
just keep on doing that then

mother1

no
you can’t turn around yet
i’ll tell you when it’s time to turn around

mother2

well
there it is
another mouth

mother7

please take him
oh god please take him while he’s still sleeping

mother13

christ
it won’t stop making that face
it’s making that face right now, isn’t it
how am i supposed to love something with a face like that

mother12

just because i’m dead and in a painting
doesn’t mean i’m not still disappointed in all of you

mother11

well
here it is
my life’s work

mother10

AHHHHH
AHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHH
see
it’s not so much fun when someone screams at you
AHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHH
i can do this all day until you two decide to stop screaming, so

ENG090290271 01

baby
please
i have time for literally anything but your shit right now

mother8

can you move a little bit to the right so we can get more of the boy
what boy
him?
i don’t think we need him in this picture

mother4

listen
i don’t want to be here any more than you do
just try not to spit up in the next ten minutes and we’ll both get out of here

mother5

when are you coming back?
FUCKING NEVER

mother3

stop touching me, sweetheart
i have to focus on wearing this hat right now
let go

[Images via]

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112 Comments

  1. anninyn +282

    Every single one of these women would have jumped on reliable contraception like it was a miracle.

      1. slavei +97

        “You’re right quite, Bertie. Something’s gone wrong with the darned thing. My private impression is that, without knowing it, I’ve worked that stunt that Sargent and those fellows pull—painting the soul of the sitter. I’ve got through the mere outward appearance, and have put the child’s soul on canvas.”

        “But could a child of that age have a soul like that? I don’t see how he could have managed it in the time. What do you think, Jeeves?”

        🙂 🙂 🙂

      1. aravisthequeen +91

        Hair design in the 18th century was a miracle of paste, wax, powder, flour, scaffolding, and many uninvited guests living in your hair with you.

        Actually this comment goes well with my link the other day to the article about the woman who scratched into her brain.

          2. Val +29

            The infrastructure was relatively lightweight…basketry-based, for instance…so much of that space is actually hollow, only covered with cloth and hair (real and fake), but yeah, they were hard-core…and couldn’t always afford/take the time to have their hair re-dressed often, so serious shenanigans were involved to try NOT to disturb the stuff while they, like, slept and stuff. Those good old days, I tell you…only the very wealthy did this stuff, obviously…note cleavage down to (sometimes below) the nipple also, because fashion has always been shocking, just in different ways over time…

        2. dakimel +20

          Stop talking about that!! I still have nightmares about the whole ‘roaches living in the coiffure laying eggs in your brain’ thing.
          shudder

        1. mbculver +67

          Poor Nannerle Mozart – she had all kinds of talent and potential, but was forced to stop performing and composing as she reached marriageable age. Then she was forced to marry an older widower with 5 kids instead of her actual love. Stupid 18th century.

  4. winterbymorning +34

    Unhappy Mother #2 has the world’s most adorable puppy sleeping in her lap, though! That should cheer her up a bit.

    I am also immensely impressed with the pink ribbon lady’s wig (and pink ribbons) in the “just because I’m dead and in a painting” one. That takes commitment.

    2. amydieg +18

      the puppy belongs to the child, who neither deserves nor properly cares for it, clearly

    3. hugpunch +27

      “i can’t believe i got this girl a puppy. who is going to have to clean up all the shit? me.”

    1. citizenchristy +28

      With my luck, I’ll have a baby around the time Mass Effect IV comes out and will become the one playing video games while not supporting her infant’s head.

      2. Shiny +10

        I actually had this experience with Mass Effect III! A little benign neglect never hurt anyone.

        1. Annie Lee Roth +7

          That is exactly the word my father uses to describe the way he parented me! Love that it’s not just a my dad thing.

      3. Bryn (Plus Others) +8

        We did lots of World of Warcraft when our daughter was comfort nursing 45m out of every hour!

    2. dakimel +28

      Doesn’t that make you want to go out and replace your entire wardrobe and all your home decor with nothing but white? I mean, think of how easy it’ll be on laundry day – no sorting! no wondering which temp to use!

      I wonder how much bleach it would take to just turn everything I own either white or a muted pastel?

  6. phlippin +162

    Step 1: Start wearing hats. Lots of hats. BIG hats.
    Step 2: Start saying to literally everyone, i have to focus on wearing this hat right now

    #bighatnoheart

    1. winterbymorning +107

      Yesterday I overheard someone asking my boss to help them with something, and she replied, “Nope, I have food to eat.” That’s my new go-to line when people make any demand upon my time.

      #biglunchnoheart

    2. mmcoulston +11

      Yessssss I cannot WAIT for the Derby next year. All day. Progressively slurred by bourbon slush and mint juleps, but ALL DAY.

  8. thecaitd +52

    This is exactly how I imagine motherhood to be, which is why I am probably never going to have kids.

    Also, I’m reading We Need to Talk About Kevin right now, so…that feels somehow related.

    4. scullymurphy +12

      That book is part of the reason why I stopped at two kids. Got lucky twice – why take chances on getting a Kevin as a 3rd?

    5. adriftinchina +13

      Lionel Shriver, the author, doesn’t have children and dedicated the book to another friend without children: “one worst-case scenario we’ve both escaped.”

  9. firstmute +21

    My dad gave me a print of the Manet one (#2) when I was a teenager, because he said it reminded him of me (the whole book + not a girl, not yet a woman thing, sorry Britney). Then I hung it in my daughter’s room.

    Now I kind of want to take it down.

    6. Kitling +8

      I think it is downright cruel of you to have posted this. It’s not right. IT’S NOT RIGHT. I’m about to go to sleep– sorry I mean go and have TERRIBLE NIGHTMARES.

  11. paisleyLo +141

    This artwork is its own kind of contraception, I feel. No one is looking at this and going, “Aww! I’d love to have one of these terrifying, shrunken-apple-faced goons for my very own!”

    1. Teka Lynn +18

      Now I’m wondering if the model was the painter’s mistress.

      “You’re painting the circles under my eyes, aren’t you? Goddammit, your damn baby kept me up all night, you’re painting me from dawn to dusk and cackling over my bags. I CAN’T EVEN, you bastard.

  14. turanga_leela +76

    baby
    please
    i have time for literally anything but your shit right now

    I am pretty sure I said exactly this last night to my daughter. She was not amused.

    1. ipomoea +30

      Pretty sure Mr Ipo and I said that to the Spare last night. Can’t you just go back to the awesome sleeping instead of a disco nap at 8 and then partying until 11?

      1. turanga_leela +18

        For me it was mostly -I understand you are feeling better but you gave me your strep and now I feel like crap, so go away.-

    4. thisclimbingbean +12

      HELL YES.

      Trying to write while the 3yo is climbing over me, saying, ‘But Mummy, I want to TELL YOU SOMETHING.’ (She wants to tell me that I’m coming to her birthday – it’s in March – and I can have tea and chocolate cake. Yes, it sounds endearing, but she tells me ten times everyday, and needs very badly to tell it to me when she wakes me at five am, or when I’m desperately trying to finish a chapter)

  15. Sean_Sullivan +160

    In case anyone else is curious, this


    is a pacifier made from polished coral. “Corals” fell out of fashion in the late 1700s, presumably because they contributed to Babyjowls and Infant Oldpersonface.

    1. winterbymorning +74

      Thank you for clearing that up, I was worried the baby was going to shank someone with it.

    3. dakimel +23

      that’s glorious – I’d love to see a resurgence of polished coral in the natural baby industry today. Can you imagine the marketing blurbs?

      1. ipomoea +29

        They can’t be any goofier than the marketing of “genuine baltic amber teething necklaces”

          1. ipomoea +30

            you don’t even know. People who pride themselves on SCIENCE love that shit. Amber has to be heated to close to 200F to release the supposed analgesic compound, and if your kid is 200F YOU HAVE MORE SERIOUS ISSUES.

          2. adriftinchina +6

            chortling. I’m often confused about C and F because grew up in F land, now living in C land. But yes 200F is way beyond dead.

    5. Kathryn +4

      That baby is giving the artist the finger. I can understand. Nobody wants to look like Don Rickles’ ancestor.

  16. ipomoea +65

    well
    there it is
    another mouth

    My life rn. I don’t understand why we need to be 17lbs before turning four months old, and must we do it with my tits?

    1. dakimel +33

      I don’t understand how perfectly sweet looking infants wake up and suddenly own four mouths in their heads, all of which need to be fed at once. Thank goodness they tend to lose a mouth or two once they’re a few months old.

  19. mkpatter +46

    I am not a mom and never will be, but if I was, I’d be that one too busy wearing a hat.

  20. J. Michael +17

    This is brilliant. Where was child protective services back then?

    What a lively, fresh take on icons. Love it. The writer is such a fresh and wicked talent. I follow her stuff whenever i can.

    1. Annie Lee Roth +9

      You are so not alone. I resent the hell out of my beloved weird old man-faced offspring on a regular basis and I have been known to cry right back at him when he cries.

  23. perianwen +14

    Yep, still weirded out by the proportions on the kid in painting #3. I think that might actually be an alien baby.

  25. Anti_kate +23

    I have actually done the thing where I cried at my child to stop her from crying so I am all over the lady in the green dress, except for replace green dress with tear-stained maternity clothes that I was still wearing an embarrassingly lengthy period after giving birth. These unhappy ladies in art sure know how to dress (or undress as the case may be).

  27. catmanscrothers +25

    I need to stop looking at these types of posts at work. I did that awful try-to-contain-your-laugh-and-do-a-weird-shuddery-convulse-instead thing and now the people around me probably think I’m dry heaving

  29. pieismyreligion +8

    I feel like the first one is of my mother and me, 100+ years before I was alive.

  30. sudden_eyes +13

    i can do this all day until you two stop screaming, so

    This is one I’ve definitely said. Also I totally looked like “take him while he’s sleeping” mom for the first few months. Aaaaaagh, bad flashbacks.

  32. Neko Jita +15

    Yup, any of these pictures could have been me this morning. I was taking a bowl of homemade chicken stock out of the fridge to skim the fat off the top. My toddler decided that she *needed* to step in it. Cold, gelatinous chicken goo everywhere. On the floor, on the fridge, and of course all over her leg.

    Why… why… why did you do that? I asked her.

    Then she burst into tears. Her dad had to go console her and clean her up while I fumed and cleaned the kitchen.
    I guess I am turning into Un-Fun Mommy.

  33. climbing bean

    HELL YES.

    Trying to write while the 3yo is climbing over me, saying, 'But Mummy, I want to TELL YOU SOMETHING.' (She wants to tell me that I'm coming to her birthday – it's in March – and I can have tea and chocolate cake. Yes, it sounds endearing, but she tells me ten times everyday, and needs very badly to tell it to me when she wakes me at five am, or when I'm desperately trying to finish a chapter)

  36. Sneza +4

    [img src=”http://www.galleriaborghese.it/opere/maxi/gentileschi.jpg”]
    “They all wean themselves eventually” my ass!

  37. xplantlady +10

    There’s a show called Runway Moms, that I never fail to see as Runaway Moms. Especially when my kid was of preschool age.

    And then I realize it says Runway Moms, and I m so disappointed.

  39. Blert

    I think the real question here is "WHY DID YOU PAINT MY BABY WITH THAT FACE YOU PIECE OF #$@% HACK ARTIST *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM*…"

  40. katrinawardcreative +2

    This is the funniest thing I have ever seen. I’m an ex Art History teacher and now WAHM and you have hit the nail on the head. Thanks for making me wake and disturb my children from laughing so hard. X

  41. outienz

    This is the funniest thing I have ever seen. I'm an ex Art History teacher and now WAHM and you have hit the nail on the head. Thanks for making me wake and disturb my children from laughing so hard. X

  42. baalheimat +2

    Baaahahahaaaaa! Love it. Especially the “Just because I’m dead and in a painting…” one.

  44. Carodakar +2

    Ms Ortberg, I discovered you today and I am totally hooked. I’m losing hours of valuable working time, but it is so good for the soul!

    Thank you!