Dirtbag Shakespeare: The Tempest -The Toast

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PROSPERO: what is this place
CALIBAN: it is the island of —
PROSPERO: an island eh
very well
i will buy it
CALIBAN: you can’t d —
PROSPERO: i’ll buy you too
while im at it
how much for you plus the whole island
PROSPERO: shut up
that was a rhetorical question


ARIEL: youve saved me from my oak prison
how can i ever thank y–
PROSPERO: be my slave for literally ever
PROSPERO: no time to thank me now
start building me a palace
you can write me a sonnet after you make dinner


CALIBAN: here is the north side of the island
PROSPERO: very nice
CALIBAN: this is my mother
PROSPERO: wonderful
i’ll kill her
CALIBAN: you’ll what
PROSPERO: no time to thank me now


PROSPERO: do you see him
you’re going to marry him
the very wet man
MIRANDA: all right
he’s actually quite good-looking
i wouldn’t min–
PROSPERO: shut up
i said you were going to marry him
i didnt ask for your life story
MIRANDA: i’m sorry
i just meant i wouldn’t mind getting married to h–
PROSPERO: where is your off button
MIRANDA: my what
PROSPERO: shut down
MIRANDA: i don’t have that
i’m a human woman
you can’t just turn me off
you sleep now


PROSPERO: do you see that ship out there Miranda
MIRANDA: yes, father
PROSPERO: im going to sink it
PROSPERO: because it might have my brother on it
MIRANDA: how can you be certain
PROSPERO: better drowned than sorry
MIRANDA: i thought the expression was better SAFE than —
PROSPERO: dont tell me what expressions are


FERDINAND: where am i?
where is my father?
ARIEL: oh he’s dead
pretty sure
he’s either dead or the other thing
FERDINAND: the other thing?
what other thing?
ARIEL: you know
that thing of when
someone’s underwater forever and they turn into coral
FERDINAND: drowned?
he’s drowned?
ARIEL: yes
FERDINAND: that’s the same thing as dead
ARIEL: okay well
you’re welcome
sorry for not knowing all the words you have for being underwater forever

Matt Lubchansky makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. His work includes Please Listen to Me and New Amsterdam Mystery Company. He’s on Twitter, and doesn’t expect you to get his name right.

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