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Home: The Toast

sorkin“That was a great and very interesting column today,” Sorkin wrote to Dowd on March 6. “I’d only take issue with one thing and that’s the idea that something like Bridesmaids is seen as a fluke and that’s why we don’t see more movies like Bridesmaids. There’s an implication that studio heads have a stack of Bridesmaids-quality scripts on their desk that they’re not making and it’s just not true. The scripts aren’t there.”

Then, Sorkin connects the lack of good scripts to his belief that “the degree of difficulty” in Blanchett’s performance in Blue Jasmine was “nothing close to the degree of difficulty” to any of the nominated male lead performances that year.

“That’s why year in and year out, the guy who wins the Oscar for Best Actor has a much higher bar to clear than the woman who wins Best Actress,” Sorkin wrote. “Cate gave a terrific performance in Blue Jasmine but nothing close to the degree of difficulty for any of the five Best Actor nominees. Daniel Day-Lewis had to give the performance he gave in Lincoln to win–Jennifer Lawrence won for Silver Linings Playbook, in which she did what a professional actress is supposed to be able to do. Colin Firth/Natalie Portman. Phil Hoffman had to transform himself into Truman Capote while Julia Roberts won for being brassy in Erin Brockovich. Sandra Bullock won for ‘The Blind Side’ and Al Pacino lost for both Godfather movies. Helen Mirren and Meryl Streep can play with the boys but there just aren’t that many tour-de-force roles out there for women.”


What I want for Christmas.

What I want for Christmas is a man who wins the Oscar with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time. I think it’s called a watch. (Wow, that’s great.) I think that everybody should have a man who wins the Oscar and a thing that tells time. They’re very good for Christmas. I don’t think that a woman would make a very good Oscar winner.

I don’t think it’s very fair that every year Sandra Bullock is allowed to take something from my house while I’m sleeping. I know she’s in here somewhere, and she was in Miss Congeniality, for Chrissakes. I CAN HEAR YOU BREATHING, SANDRA BULLOCK. Last week she took my favorite pen. The ghost of Ted Kennedy gave it to me during the last season of the West Wing, and it’s special to me because he wasn’t even dead yet.

We used to make skyscrapers. Now there’s Kardashians. Someone explain the value of a proportionate response to me, because DuPont Circle was absolute murder this afternoon. I don’t think anything’s very good, and a woman has my pen. Men have used pens for thousands of years to pass important laws, like World War II and honesty, and now women are in sororities and on the internet and winning Oscars but not making Bridesmaids. Maureen, I don’t mind you, because you write a column, but maybe there’s something you can do about it.

Presidents used to be taller. Presidents used to be a hundred feet tall and you could only vote with your heart. The president used to be a buffalo chasing an eagle that was reciting Keats from memory, and now it’s just a text that Sasha Obama sent her second-best friend Melissa M. during fourth period. I don’t think that should win an Oscar at all.

I’m a serious man, who needs a serious pen. Maureen, you write pretty good columns when you know what you’re talking about, but I can’t use this pen. It’s got feathers and pink hearts on it, Maureen. What if a woman fell down at work, Maureen? That would be comical, I think. It’s part of my new series, Women Falling Down Comically At Work, that I hope will win many Oscars, because all of the parts will be played by the ghost of Robert Kennedy, who was a man, as men so often are.

In conclusion, Sandra Bullock should get out of my house.

Image via Matt Lubchansky, who is first in my heart.

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