Dirtbag Dionysus

by Mallory Ortberg · January 5, 2015

Previously: Dirtbag Theseus.

dio1

you think i dont
you think i cant see that my dick looks like a little orange thumb, like a Cheeto
fuck you is why
ive got a fruit hat
im a BABY goddammit
i already have gout
whats your excuse
hand me that flagon
im sorry
im sorry
i didnt mean that

Screen Shot 2015-01-05 at 10.26.21 AM

I WILL GET THIS LEOPARD DRUNK

dio12

no let’s
shut up
no shut up lets go over there
take me over there there’s a bunch of girls over there
youre my best friend
they look like sluts lets go over there

dio4

pitcher kid
hey pitcher kid whats your name
whatsyourname i mean
you ever been drunk yet
cmere lets get you drunk

dio5

NO
no
im not moving until everyone in the forest has seen the front side of my dick
then im going to flip over so everyone on the other side can see it

dio14

who is this
who the fuck is this on my shoulders
i dont even know any of you
what are you doing here
get the shit out of my house you fucks
why is that guy on the ground
get him out of here
everybody get out of here

dio9

listen
no you listen
no you finally listen to me guy
don’t you come around to MY house and tell me what to do with MY kids
they love wrestling that goat
you think you know better than me?
you think you know better than me what a baby can wrestle?
fuck outta here with your CLOTHES
like you’re better than me
youre not better than me

dio15

wait are we moving
are we moving yet or are we standing still

dio11

okay you three
you three come over here and sit by me
the rest of you stay there
cmere come over here i cant get up come over here and hold my hair i think im ‘na throw up
no wait
im ok
im ok
come over here anyway though

dio10

WHERE ARE THE REST OF MY FUCKING LEOPARDS
THIS PARADE IS BULLSHIT

dio13

no im up
hang on guys
ill get up in a second
im be right there
im up
im up

dio6

hey babe
beautiful
please stop crying
youre really bringing this party down

dio7

hey
hey are you awake
do you want to be my girlfriend
ok
if you want to be my girlfriend and come live with me just don’t wake up
ok you’re still asleep so is that a yes

dio3

babe what are you looking at
cut it
stop it out
look at me
who are you even looking to, look at me

dio2

i know im not wearing any pants
im a GOD
like from OLYMPUS
you think i cant tell if ive got pants on me?
dont be stuck up

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40 Comments

  2. middlemarch +79

    A true, tangentially related story: my friends and I called each other The Bacchae in high school, because we were a bunch of BAMFS. (I mean, ok, actually we were just really into Latin club and stuff. My teen years were kind of like a light comedy version of The Secret History.)

    Anyway, Bacchus/Dionysus might be a dirtbag, but I think that Bacchae have a kind of spiritual kinship with The Toast, and we should do more to honor their misandry.

    1. Blanche de Shambles +60

      Dirtbag Orpheus:

      “All riiight- Maenads! Hey ladies- why don’t you come over here and…OW! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!”

    2. meetapossum +34

      I still have my t-shirt from the production of The Bacchae we did in my Ancient Tragedy class in college. It says “Heads Must Roll” on the back.

  3. LacaunaKale +28

    Dionysus really buffed up. Probably tells the girls all about P90X, ya know before he roofies them,

  4. hussified +71

    “fuck outta here with your CLOTHES
    like you’re better than me
    youre not better than me”

    Does that mean that my two year-old is a wee Dionysus?

  6. beachlass +7

    That reminds me that the most perfect thing I saw in all of last year was The God That Comes – a smutty, hilarious, uncomfortable cabaret piece (Hawksley Workman performing).

    It was utter perfection, and if you have a chance to see it, sell your first born and go.
    http://www.thegodthatcomes.com/

  10. Claudia +15

    “fuck you is why” is my fav! It’s what I say in my head anytime anyone wants a reason for anything.

  11. Just_a_Dinosaur +13

    I almost want to not wear pants just so that I can act incredibly indignant when people tell me I’m not wearing any.

    But y’know…jail.

  12. aravisthequeen +52

    I just….Dionysus is the god of wine and debauchery, no? That seems like a strange choice to depict as A BABY. Is this a pre-debauched state? Or was it swell for toddlers to get wasted on Mt. Olympus? I DON’T KNOW

    1. leslieellenjones +13

      Yes, I was going to protest that dirtbaggery is his entire raison d’etre. And thus, yay Hellenes–only culture to have a dedicated dirtbag deity!

  14. zachariahary +52

    Jeez surprising number of wasted naked babies in Western Art.
    You know that most of them were just the artist thinking a drunk baby would be funny and then after the fact going, ‘Uhhh it’s totally Dionsysus, guys. Duh. Don’t you know your Greek gods? This is embarrassing for you.’

    1. MsPiggleWiggles +11

      Yeah, everyone knows that the best parties are comprised of worldly wine drinking women and their toddler friends. The toddlers don’t cut into the booze cache because they’re 100% drunk acting all day everyday. By the time you get tipsy it’s eight o’clock, they’ve long since lost their pants and it’s off to bed so the grown ups can talk.

  16. stregastrigoi +57

    I really need ‘Get the shit out of my house, you fucks’ cross-stitched onto a pillow for my first home

  19. Household_Opera +69

    WHERE ARE THE REST OF MY FUCKING LEOPARDS
    THIS PARADE IS BULLSHIT

    Something tells me Dirtbag Dionysus and Dirtbag Hera periodically get together and bitch over the inadequacy of the parades people throw for them. “I mean only two leopards, what’s even the point?” “Parades, man. Fuck ’em.”

  20. Unreadaethel +17

    So I have muscle strain over my ribs from coughing/blowing my nose forever from the Cold That Will Not Die, and laughing hurts.

    I guess what I’m saying is that I’m willing to suffer to read The Toast, you guys. It’s like suffering for my art, but instead I’m suffering for somebody else’s art.

    1. Abanthis +14

      Well, it’s better than making someone else suffer for your art, on the scale of possible iterations of that phrase.

  21. redheadedwolf +12

    okay you three
    you three come over here and sit by me
    the rest of you stay there
    cmere come over here i cant get up come over here and hold my hair i think im ‘na throw up
    no wait
    im ok
    im ok
    come over here anyway though
    This one. This one is my favorite.

  22. MmeSiniichulok +7

    OK, I’m trying to laugh-cry silently so that my toddler doesn’t wake up. This is THE BEST.

  23. mawrterforever +6

    This is 500% more accurate than any mythology could use to describe the God of Wine, the title is basically a synonym for dirtbag with a thing for wreaths and elitist drunken roguery

  24. knittingBAMF +11

    Yeah, but at least Dionysus OWNED his inherent dirtbaggery. And was all about a good party. Drunk orgy. Whatevs.

  25. damanoid +42

    Legend has it that the festival of the Dionysian Mysteries was formally ended by the ritual invocation: “Okay you guys, everybody has to leave, my parents are going to be home any minute now.”