Squints grew up and married Wendy Peffercorn. They have nine kids. They bought Vincent’s Drugstore, and they still own it to this day.
INT. NIGHT. WENDY PEFFERCORN bolts up in bed and shakes her husband awake.
WENDY PEFFERCORN: Wake up.
SQUINTS: Mmmf?
WENDY PEFFERCORN: Why am I married to you?
SQUINTS: What?
WENDY PEFFERCORN: Why on earth am I married to you?
SQUINTS: What kind of a question is that to wake your husband up with in the middle of the night?
WENDY PEFFERCORN: No, I’m serious. What do we have in common? Why are we together?
SQUINTS: You – you kind of thought it was cute that one time I made you kiss me because you thought I had drowned, and you were trying to do your job. Remember? You kicked me out of the swimming pool forever, for pretending to drown, but you sometimes would smile at me afterwards.
WENDY PEFFERCORN: Why would I think that’s cute, though?
SQUINTS: Um.
WENDY PEFFERCORN: I mean, aside from finding it personally humiliating, that’s incredibly unsafe and cruel. I thought you were dying.
SQUINTS: Well, yeah, but you sort of had to admire the tenacity that went into pulling a stunt like that.
WENDY PEFFERCORN: That’s fairly arguable, but we’ll leave that to the side for now. Why would I marry you?
SQUINTS: Maybe later we –
WENDY PEFFERCORN: Like, was that scene suggesting you and I started seeing one another shortly after that? Was the audience supposed to infer that I found a prepubescent boy sexually attractive? Because that’s incredibly uncomfortable.
SQUINTS: I guess I never really thought about it.
WENDY PEFFERCORN: Also, look at me. I’m glorious.
SQUINTS: I know.
WENDY PEFFERCORN: I should be dating captains of industry and men with arms like iron bands. I should be dating shotput medalists and jazz club owners, not buying a pharmacy with some eleven-year-old and forgetting what birth control is.
SQUINTS: Sure, but all those guys don’t appreciate you like I appreciate you. None of them were willing to make you look like an idiot in front of all your friends at work just to stick their tongue in your mouth.
WENDY PEFFERCORN: I feel like I’d rather kiss a man on purpose than a child through deceit. I feel pretty strongly that that’s how my character feels about it.
SQUINTS: Well, I don’t really know what to say. If that’s how you feel about it.
WENDY PEFFERCORN: I think it is.
SQUINTS: I guess I can’t really blame you for wanting it.
WENDY PEFFERCORN: You really can’t. I mean – did my character wait around in this tiny town after graduating high school for you to get old enough to date?
SQUINTS: That’s a good question.
WENDY PEFFERCORN: Because the alternative is almost unthinkable. Did the writers just not think this through? Or do they think I went off to school or a big city to get a job or something and then returned home to marry the little kid who sexually humiliated me when I was sixteen?
SQUINTS: You know, Wendy, in my defense, you were always lotionin’ and oilin’, oilin’ and lotionin’…
WENDY PEFFERCORN: That was for my job, Squints.
SQUINTS: Sure, but –
WENDY PEFFERCORN: If you know another way to put on sunscreen, I would absolutely love to hear it, but for someone who sits in the summer sun for eight hours a day, it’s fairly important to reapply.
SQUINTS: Right, but –
WENDY PEFFERCORN: I wasn’t putting on sunscreen in the hopes of getting someone whose balls hadn’t even dropped yet to pretend to die so they could jam their tongues in my mouth, if that’s what you’re suggesting.
SQUINTS: But I loved you.
WENDY PEFFERCORN: I don’t even know your real name. What kind of a marriage is this, where I have to call you Squints when I’m looking for you?
SQUINTS: You didn’t think it was a little bit cute? The part where I pretended to drown so you had to make out with me?
WENDY PEFFERCORN: I really didn’t. In a really generous light, I can see it as the stupid act of a selfish kid who doesn’t know better, and is ultimately forgivable (though certainly not anything that would induce me to later marry you). In a less generous light, it was an act of someone who felt that he had the right to humiliate, control, and sexually dominate a woman at her place of work, which is pretty disturbing in a pre-teen.
SQUINTS: Well, the guys thought it was pretty cool.
WENDY PEFFERCORN: I’m sure they did. Listen, no hard feelings, but I’m going to LA.
SQUINTS: What will you do in LA?
WENDY PEFFERCORN: Honestly? Have limber, athletic sex with as many good-looking men as I can. Maybe buy a place in Malibu in the early 70s, before all the prices go up, make some generic seashell art, get a job lifeguarding on a real beach.
SQUINTS: I guess I can’t blame you.
WENDY PEFFERCORN: You really can’t, you tiny Woody-Allen-looking motherfucker.
Tags: correcting past ills, divorce, movies, the sandlot, wendy peffercorn
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I honestly feel as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders after reading this.
As much as I have fond memories of The Sandlot, this whole thing is amazing and has me on the edge of totally losing it laughing at my desk at work. Is this “deserved sequels” thing a new theme, or have I been missing out all this time?
Love it! More 4th-wall-breaking, please!
Squints grew up to be the bully from Freaks and Geeks, so the separation is really all for the best.
The peanut guy?
Wait…this is some time travel murder shit. Look at Bill!
Harrison Wells orchestrated the marriage.
WELL PLAYED.
HOLY SHIT
He is also the doofy braceface Navy friend that Dean moves in with in Gilmore Girls, after Lindsay kicks Dean out for cheating on her with Rory.
SQUINTS: But– who will take care of our nine baby goats?
WENDY: I guess you’re elected. Whose bright idea was it to open a petting zoo in a drugstore, anyway?
ETA: Later, Wendy reluctantly accepts that Squints cannot be trusted with the goats, so she loads them up in her ’59 Impala convertible and takes them with her to LA. They are all fairly clever Pygmy goats, except for one huge gangling floppy-eared Nubian named Milo, who has the personality of a golden retriever. Because of magical realism, Wendy discovers a mixture of shampoo and suntan lotions that make the goats smell like coconut. Wendy quickly becomes a popular local fixture, and is often seen on the beach or cruising through Malibu with her goats, even to this day.
I didn’t know The Sandlot was so big until seven or eight years ago when I made a lot of friends online who were around five to seven years younger than me. “This thing is HUGE.”
Would you happen to be in the 31 to 38 age range?
39
Yeah, Sandlot’s a great movie and all, but this always bothered me too. (along with “You throw like a GURRL” being the ultimate berserker insult)
I hear that phrase spoken on the diamond about once or twice a year and I always bluntly remind them that it’s insulting to women. It really bugs me. Have you seen girls play softball or even baseball? Throwing awkwardly or being uncoordinated has nothing to do with gender, there are so many dudes who throw poorly.
WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN THOUGH MALLORY. THE CHILDREN.
THEY WERE GOATS I TELL YOU, THERE IS NO EVIDENCE THAT THEY WERE NOT GOATS, WHY DO YOU WANT THIS POOR WOMAN TO HAVE GONE ALL OUT CABLE-SERIES BERSERKER CATHOLIC WITH THIS PERSON
THEY WERE GOATS AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY ON THE BEACH, THERE WERE NO CHILDREN, IT WAS A CHICKEN AT THE BACK OF THAT BUS
Turns out the The Sandlot has two direct-to-DVD sequels. In the second one, Luke Perry travels back in time to the sandlot in order to set right what once went wrong.
Does he say “Oh boy,” when he realizes he’s in the past, as is obligatory for nearly any post-Quantum Leap film/show?
I have watched that one and it’s amazing and weird and Squints coaches the Squints pharmacy team. I don’t remember Wendy being mentioned at all so I’m choosing to believe she really did run off to Malibu.
That was the one part of The Sandlot I just couldn’t wrap my head around. Why would Wendy ever bother with Squints? Wasn’t he too young, anyway?? And yet somehow I always get Squints as the answer to “Which Sandlot Character Are You?” quizzes, so I just don’t know how to feel.
Yes, this a totally deserved and necessary sequel. Go be happy in LA, Wendy. You deserve it.
I enjoy how Ayn Rand often peeks around the corners of Mallory’s non-Rand work.
“I should be dating captains of industry and men with arms like iron bands. I should be dating shotput medalists and jazz club owners”
I would put this on my Tinder profile if I had one.
Anna Wintour didn’t bring back flip phones–I never gave it up!
WENDY PEFFERCORN: Honestly? Have limber, athletic sex with as many good-looking men as I can. Maybe buy a place in Malibu in the early 70s, before all the prices go up, make some generic seashell art, get a job lifeguarding on a real beach.
SQUINTS: I guess I can’t blame you.
WENDY PEFFERCORN: You really can’t, you tiny Woody-Allen-looking motherfucker.
^this is the only part that matters oh my god it’s wonderful
I haven’t seen the movie, but after reading this I prefer to think that Squints grew up and became Bill Gates, learned the error of his ways, came back to town during the annual homecoming game when all the highschool graduates had returned, apologized to Wendy, and bought the drugstore as a side project for her so she could have her own thing instead of just being wifely to him, and thus it is justifiable that she went for him. Mostly because that doesn’t involve her wasting years of her life on a loser.
Could that, roughly chronologically, make him the DJ at the class reunion in Superman III? I suppose if you remove Clark then Wendy would still be Annette O’Toole’s age and TAFKAS would maybe be visiting from grad school and then come back to his *own* reunion a few years later? Wendy could Margaret Yang him. “You were a real jerk to me, you know that?”
The faded, belligerent quarterback could still have a role.
(If you haven’t seen Superman III it’s ALL fucked up. I finally watched it, loaded, last Labor Day weekend. The amount I had to drink to get through it…)
YOU’RE KILLING ME, MALLS. YOU’RE KILLING ME.
Anna Wintour didn't bring back flip phones–I never gave it up!
This part of the movie never sat right with me, but when we happened to stumble upon it while I was visiting my parents, I realized the epilogue also implies that Smalls replaces Vin Scully as the Dodgers’ announcer, which…. No.
Well I have no idea what Sandlot even is and I wholeheartedly agree with everything here. Wendy deserves better.
Ugh, my two best friends and I would watch this movie all the time when we were younger and also, of course, claim which of the Sandlot kids we were dating. Anna always got Yeah Yeah and Megan always got Benny and then it was like “Well…Rachel…you could have Squints? Or, Smalls?” I always chose Smalls, but still. Benny was where it was at.
I loved Smalls, but I think that says more about the kind of guys that I knew I could realistically date. Benny would just be the guy who I crushed on, but could only hyperventilate in his presence.
Mallory, this needed to be written so badly and I’m so glad you were the one who did it.
The Sandlot is an adult’s fantasy of what childhood fantasies were like. It was never about “This is how great things were in those days,” but “This is how I now wish to remember things to have been.” The Peffercorn incident is a perfect example – kind of skeevy, but pales in comparison to some of the things adolescent boys actually say and do.
I loved Smalls, but I think that says more about the kind of guys that I knew I could realistically date. Benny would just be the guy who I crushed on, but could only hyperventilate in his presence.