Toastarones! What’s the thing you’re looking forward to most this weekend? The bartender is no longer plagued and plans on spending all the time outside doing as little as possible. We shall bask in all the sunshine! Open thread!
Tags: cocktail hour, open thread, the bartender
Hello Bartender! I’m glad you’re feeling better! There is a town-wide yard sale a few towns over from me this weekend that I will definitely be hitting up!
Toastfriends! I am much more well rested than last week, feeling good about lots of things, bad about others, and have remembered how to use the shift key! Rejoice!
There was some discussion on Toastie Twitter this morning about grocery stores and which ones you have in your area. I have recently realized that I find regional spread of foods SUPER INTERESTING, let alone regional chains – so I’m curious, what brands or stores do you have by you that might not be everywhere?
Here in central NJ, our grocery stores are mostly populated by Shop-Rite, Stop and Shop, A&P and Pathmark, with a smattering of other chains like Wegmans, Weis and Aldi (as well as the “fancy” ones like Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods). As for specific local brands, we’ve got Tastycake (snack cakes & cookies) and Wise (potato chips, etc.)…and probably a bunch more that I don’t even realize.
tl;dr talk to me about regional food and grocery stores!
Grocery stores around here in central MI are mostly Kroger & Meijer, with a few of the fancy ones (they’ve been building a whole foods down the road for what feels like YEARS), and a lot of Spartan Stores, which all have their own names, and which I suppose is Michigan’s local grocery chain.
As for local brands, Better Made potato chips is the best one I can come up with for things that were and still are local. And, of course, Faygo soda, which has spread a bit beyond our borders.
I miss Meijers so freaking much. Nothing in Missouri compares to the joy that’s Meijers.
Also apparently Michigan Cottage Cheese is Midwest-only, which I discovered to my horror when I was craving it hardcore and the internet confirmed that all that’s available to me out west is large-curded milky tubs of disappointment.
WEGMANS 4-EVER
I GET SUCH HEARTEYES OVER WEGMANS. I dropped $60 there last night, holy shit.
Oh god I miss Wegmans so much.
When I moved, I specifically moved to a town that had a local Wegmans because I would go through too much withdrawal without it. It’s a way of life.
Absolutely 100% true story:
My sister, myself, and her BFF were walking around Brooklyn one day when I was visiting. BFF is originally from Rochester, NY, the home of Wegmans. She said something like “I just don’t get what the big deal is, it’s JUST a grocery store.” In unison, BFF and I both said “It’s NOT just a grocery store, it’s a way of life!”
I’m a native of Rochester, and just moved back home a few years ago. I work right down the street now from the very fanciest Wegmans *AND* a new Trader Joe’s. Basically, all my wildest dreams have come true.
We always take our out-of-town guests to the fancy Wegmans, and many of them have expressed a desire to actually live in the store.
I was hoping a Wegmans thread would lead to me discovering other Rochester Toasties! Hi!
I’m jealous of your Megaweg proximity. I’m only like twelve minutes from it, but I have two stores that are closer/more on my way home, so I don’t get there as much as I’d like.
Greetings! 🙂
It really is nice to have it nearby (though rather dangerous, money-wise)– I work literally right down the street, so I stop there a lot & also have lunch there sometimes.
I’m moving to Rochester in August for school and I’ve seen so many glowing reviews of Wegmans in the last month that I’m pretty much picturing it as Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory: Grocery Store Edition.
It is kind of like that, to be honest.
Also, you have to try the chocolate almond frozen custard at Abbott’s.
I mean, pretty much.
Also, hooray for more Rochester Toasties!
Yeah, I can see how that would be dangerous–I don’t know that I’d be any good at resisting the call of Wegmans around lunchtime.
When I first moved away to a city without a Wegmans, I was horrified at how terrible grocery stores were elsewhere. A truly eye-opening experience.
I was also rather surprised when I went shopping overseas (in the UK), where you’re expected to bag your own groceries. I just stood there like an idiot the first few times wondering what was going on. (Spoiled by the highly trained, super-efficient baggers at Wegmans…)
In Nebraska our main grocery store is Hy-Vee which is the best of all grocery stores, with a small but strong SuperSaver contingent, a smattering of Aldis, TJ’s and WF.
I miss Hy-Vee for two reasons– 1) the unexpectedly gigantic selection of liquors and health foods, and 2) the ridiculous names on their generic goods. Their mountain dew is called Heee Haw! With three Es! And hamburger helper becomes Panburger Partner!
PANBURGER PARTNER
I LOVE IT
The one thing I really liked about Ohio grocery stores (during the years I lived there) was that you could buy booze there. The Wegmans and Trader Joe’s that we have here in New York State are terrific, but they can legally only sell beer (no wine or liquor).
I miss the cheap wine from TJ’s. 🙁
We still have two locally-owned grocery stores in my town. One’s a regular supermarket and the other is a health-food cooperative that’s open to the public. SO. LUCKY. We also have a Kroger’s (although here it’s called Dillon’s because it used to be a regional chain that got bought) as well as Hy-Vee, but I never shop there because they’re more expensive and also politics.
Oh no oh no I love Hy-Vee and I am scared to know what you know about their politics. Oh blissful ignorance!
Ok I am ready. What did they do.
Oh, I have no idea! They might be really awesome! But I know the locally-owned supermarket has great hiring practices, treats their employees well (there are some cashiers who’ve worked there for more than a decade–I know them by name!), and has great prices. Since my own politics are nearly entirely locally-focused, that’s what I meant by politics. It’s my politics to shop locally is all!
Oh, oh. Phew.
I, too, love local grocery stores! We have a few in my town as well and they hands-down have the best meat and produce selection, but they are inconveniently located from where I live so I only shop at them once a month or so.
We have two local grocery stores as well. It is fantastic. One has a great meat counter and the other has a store near my work and has an amazing deli counter with lunch specials every day (one of these specials yesterday was Thai Mint Chicken, Jasmine Rice, Egg-roll, & 24 oz. Fountain Drink for $6.99). It is an exercise in willpower every day to not just walk there for lunch.
Hurray for locally-owned grocers! Also holy crap yeah, that’s a tempting lunch.
We live close enough to have similar grocery stores so I am joining this thread to brag that my hometown grocery chain, Piggly Wiggly, was the first self-service grocery store in the US. Although it is not the grocery store that introduced the shopping cart.
I have never been to one, but always loved the name.
I’m actually really excited about my new town, where i will be living about 5 blocks from the town’s food co-op! Haven’t had much experience with them in my past but i want to.
The co-op is amazing! And that’s the best neighborhood!
Shop n Kart is our other locally-owned groc, which is the BEST. Today they had wine and sauerkraut tastings!
I’m finally in Ashland and it’s sooooo beautiful! If you would still like to meet up for a beer or something just email me at ms dot cvmcgraw at gmail dot com
in the east bay area we have: safeway. trader joe’s doesn’t seem fancy—in fact a lot of their stuff is cheaper than safeway? they just have less selection. fancy whole foods, and on the other end of the spectrum, we have some grocery outlets. and then independent joints like monterey market and berkeley bowl. berkeley bowl is incredible.
as for specific local brands….it’s-it ice cream sandwiches?
I’ve never actually been to TJ’s! I always assumed it was fancy because of how everyone talked about it.
it can feel kinda fancy but in my experience, the prices aren’t bad. you can end up spending a lot of money there on pre-packaged food/frozen meals, and the more seasonal produce isn’t great quality, but it can’t be beat for stuff like bagged salad greens, yogurt, pantry staples, dry goods, nuts, etc.
Yeah, they attract an upper-middle-class, crunchy-granola clientele, but their prices on basic items are extremely competitive.
Even the pricier pre-made stuff is a lot cheaper than (say) Wegmans or Whole Foods.
Here in San Diego we have Ralph’s, Vons, Bristol Farms and Sprouts. Bristol Farms and Sprouts are on the fancier side of stores and I very, very rarely shop there unless I need a specific brand that I can’t find anywhere else.
I have no clue what our regional brands are outside of beer. I am very well-versed in local beer and I am sad for people who don’t live here. I have turned into a complete and utter beer snob and I’m not even a little embarrassed.
I am a foreigner. We have all the major UK chains – Asda, Sainsburies, Tesco, Morrisons, M+S food hall, Waitrose – but some specific local chains I’ve not seen much outside of Norfolk are Costcutter and One-Stop.
I have a good friend that lives in Scotland, and the few times I’ve been over to visit her I have DEMANDED that we go to Asda. I like them on Facebook, despite living an entire ocean away from the closest one. I don’t know what it is!
Asda is alright, but I prefer sainsburies. And Tesco (evil though they are) is great for snacks.
Booths! Only in the north!
I have seen Costcutters in both East Sussex and London (there’s one near my flat).
Hannaford and Shaws rule the land up here in northern NE. We have food coop in town that recently opened a storefront after years of operating as a buying club. Loved it as the latter, underwhelmed by the former.
Here in northern New York we also have Hannaford, but Shaw’s hasn’t crossed over. We also have Price Chopper, Aldi, and…that’s about it for chains, but we do have a nice co-op as well as a couple of independent grocery stores and farm markets.
I love local grocery stores/regional chains! The nearest big city to me has HEBs (https://www.heb.com/) which are great for value, especially in produce, MT Supermarket (http://mtsupermarket.com/), Fiesta, also crazy produce value, plus killer dried goods, and Hana World Market (http://hanaworldmarket.net/) which has house-made kimchi that is honestly worth driving an hour for. And a food court that is honestly amazing.
Ooooh we have an incredible Asian market about an hour from here – Mitsuwa, it appears to be a small chain – and I LOVE their food court!
I’m in Cincinnati, which is Kroger HQ, so there are zero other regional chains. Alternatives include Meijer, Whole Foods, Trader Joe’s, Walmart, and a few other fancy-natural-foods chains. I almost always go to Kroger or TJ’s.
There are lots of local brands here! Skyline, Graeter’s, UDF, Grippo’s, Husman’s… probably some others too. (Please note that 4/5 of those brands are either ice cream or potato chips. YOLO.)
Cincinnati!!!!!!! I live there too! My brother goes to school in Indiana, and he just came back and told me that metts (the reddish, slightly spicy smoked sausages that you usually see at barbecues) are pretty much just a Cincinnati thing, and that none of his friends knew what he was talking about when he suggested they grill some metts. I thought that was so strange!
Also, our selection of ice cream and chips here is straight up fantastic. Mike Sells chips are made in Dayton, and are probably the best chips I’ve ever eaten.
I loooove going to the grocery story when I visit a new area. it’s so much fun! Around where I live on Long Island we have Waldbaum’s, King Kullen, Stop and Shop, Best Yet (or Best Market?), probably more I can’t think of… and Trader Joe’s, Whole Foods, etc.
And not a grocery store, but you can’t forget the good ol’ DAIRY BARN, aka a drive through convenience store shaped like, you guessed it, a red dairy barn. complete with fake silo. unfortunately there are only a few left on the Island now 🙁
I do the same thing! Grocery stores are almost always my first vacation stop – I brought back heaps and heaps of snacks when I went to Australia, and same when I travel to the UK. I like to see the differences!
In the part of Northern California where I’m currently camped, I can walk to a Safeway which is pretty generic, shop at G&G-“The Ideal Supermarket”, which lives up to its billing by being locally owned and operated, having affordable good-quality produce and a very eclectic range of international foods (weighted heavily in a pan-Asian direction), or–and I’ve only done it once and was fairly traumatized–one of three Whole Foods’ on the planet to feature an in-store brewpub. I bought a half-pint of chocolate milk and some of those sesame sticks, and think I’m the only person to eat lunch for under $2 there. It was weirdly a lot better/easier to shop in the smaller city I moved away from.
I live in Salt Lake City and mostly shop at TJs and Sprouts (best produce prices in town!) because they are close to me. I get pantry staples from Costco (thanks mom!) or Target. We have Smiths (Kroger) and a local chain called Harmon’s that is beautiful, with an emphasis on local food (beer, cheese, jam, honey, etc) and carries a wider variety than most other stores. We also have Whole Foods, but I never go there because $$$$$.
Why has no one mentioned the glory that is Fred Meyer? It’s in the Pac Northwest, it’s like a nicer Target, and I go there every time I am home.
I was about to say Fred Meyer! We’re in Alaska, and buy everything at Fred’s- groceries, clothes, fans, hardware, bedding…
To hell with Fred Meyer, my heart belongs to Winco. The bulk bins! The cheap prices! The DO NOT OPEN, BEES WILL ESCAPE sign on the bulk honey dispenser!
Publix! I’m truly shocked no one has mentioned the southern institution that is Publix. I would stay in Florida forever just to be close to their fried chicken.
When I visited my relatives in Georgia the last time, they introduced me to the wonder of Publix’s tarragon chicken salad. I have often tried to replicate it, but failed miserably. So good!
I was just about to make a “where the Publix love?!” post! My earliest memories of childhood are going to Publix with my parents after they both got off work. We’d go as a family in the evenings and I may have said my first word in a Publix (screaming “DAAAAD” down the cereal aisle and making my father cry on the spot). I used to go to Publix whenever I was stressed in college for bakery therapy. I love their doughnuts. I love Publix.
I am now in the land of Fred Meyer, but in my hometown in Maine we had Shaw’s and Shop & Save, which was later replaced by Hannaford. My household’s loyalty was split between the two.
I live in St. Louis, so the big local chain is Schnuck’s. It look a lot like Kroger’s to me, but I grew up in Michigan, so I associate brown themed stores with Kroger and white/red/blue with Meijer’s. Yes, that’s something I’ve noticed, lol.
We also have a tons of Aldi’s and I love it. One TJ’s, a bunch of Shop N’ Saves, etc. When I drive into more southern or cental Missouri, I run into the Hy-Vee’s.
Grocery Stores!
There are a lot of smaller chains around here in my corner of east TN. The closest grocery store to me is Food City, which is based out of Virginia. They bought up a lot of the Piggly Wiggly stores up in the mountains in VA and KY, so we have them instead of Piggly Wiggly around here now. Supposedly they are devoted to bringing back defunct regional brands, but those are so local (and typically so old), it’s unlikely anyone away from here would’ve heard of them. We also have Ingles, Food Lion, Kroger, and this one discount chain that’s changed owners and names so many times I can’t remember what it’s called now, as well as an Earth Fare and a Fresh Market if anyone needs a store like Whole Foods since WF is nowhere near here. We also just got two Aldis earlier this year, which caused quite the excitement.
My brother moved down to Georgia two years ago and is now all about Publix. Me, I don’t get it since the one I stopped at in SC looked pretty much like Kroger to me, which isn’t really a compliment.
Any Texans around? HEB!!!!! I’m in the Midwest now and I have such nostalgia for it because they had in house made tortillas.
I love HEB! Not as much as I love Central Market (a lot), but HEB is great! Good value, good house brands, dried chile peppers conveniently available in the produce section. Plus they do a pretty good job of adapting their stores to the neighborhood they’re in- one near a big Jewish community center has a major Kosher meat counter, for example. Every time my mom comes down to visit from Oklahoma she complains that HEB hasn’t expanded up there.
I see that no one has mentioned Marsh yet! I grew up in Indianapolis and we had primarily Marsh, some Kroger (more now), a Safeway or two, a local chain called O’Malia’s which may be totally gone now, and eventually TJ’s and Whole Foods. The store that became Whole Foods was previously a local chain called Wild Oats that Whole Foods bought, and it made me very sad because Wild Oats made the BEST smoothies.
I have such nostalgic and protective feelings about Marsh, even though the new Kroger by my parent’s house is nicer than the Marsh across the street. Don’t mess with Marsh, jerks!
Shit, do your parents live by my parents?? I also maintain loyalty to the nearby Marsh even though the new Kroger across the street from it is nicer. (Except if I need beer, then I give in to Kroger’s superior selection.)
I can’t believe I forgot to mention that HEB is named for founder Howard E Butt. Which I think everyone should know. I feel like this links the grocery thread to the butt thread in a very pleasing way.
I live in Pittsburgh, which is dominated by Giant Eagle grocery stores (it was founded here). They have a virtual monopoly and are probably the worst grocery stores I have ever been to in my life. Seriously, if I move out of Pittsburgh, it will be 100% because of Giant Eagle.
I don’t know anyone who actually likes Giant Eagle; complaining about your local GE is basically a citywide sport. They are outrageously overpriced (no doubt thanks to said monopoly), constantly out of basic items (they didn’t have mint last time I went?!), and shoddily managed and cared for (half the items in my local store are either improperly priced or have no prices at all). On the plus side, they are partly unionized and my local store employs people with mental disabilities, which I appreciate, but on the other hand, it must be absolute hell to work there, as the checkers at every GE I’ve been to are the most miserable-looking and acting people on God’s green earth.
In the past few decades, a few national chains have also made inroads into Pittsburgh: Aldi, Trader Joe’s, and Whole Foods. I generally shop at Giant Eagle now, since it’s the only grocery store in my neighborhood, but I will soon be moving to a location about 5 mins walk from an Aldi, THANK THE LORD. There are also a few ‘budget’ grocery stores like Bottom Dollar (RIP) or Shop N Save, which are generally in low-income areas where Giant Eagle does not deign to build.
I’m also spoiled a bit, I think, because I grew up in Oregon, home of WinCo, which is awesome. http://www.forbes.com/sites/maryjosephs/2014/11/0…
Giant Eagle is *awful*. They were the main grocery store when I lived in Cleveland, and I couldn’t believe how bad they were (especially compared to the wonder of Wegmans, which I was spoiled with growing up). And expensive!!
I just avoided them, and did as much of my shopping as I could at the public market & ethnic grocery stores.
Hey, shout out to Shadyside/Friendship! I used to live up the block from that self-same Aldi, but in my experience Trader Joe’s was much more useful.
The Central Market chain in Seattle is the best, really fresh produce, meat, and seafood. The one we go to has 3-4 Asian goods aisles as well.
I live in Maine, and you really can buy lobster rolls — not good ones, I imagine, but lobster rolls nonetheless — at a sizable chunk of our crappy sandwich shops and fast food places and occasionally a gas station during the summer.
Also FOLKS CAN YOU BELIEVE IT I have never had a lobster roll. I swore last year that I was going to have one for my birthday, but instead I had two emergency surgeries and a month of eating the blandest food possible.
So. Lobster roll for my birthday this year? I’m not sure I can hold out that long.
This is really interesting!
We have one local chain, KTA, that only has stores on our island. They still use coupons, which seems really old-fashioned nowadays, and they have their own show on public access (Living Aloha or something like that) that my grandma watches.
We also have Foodland, which is statewide, and Times, which is on three islands but mainly on Oahu. KTA tends to have the best Asian section out of those, so that’s usually where I end up if I can’t find something.
I live at the second-last stop on the food distribution network, where $3.99/lb for bell peppers is the sale-of-the-week price (and only when they’re going wrinkly and soft). Large well-stocked grocery stores are what I miss most about my former city life 🙁
On a positive note, this location has increased my creativity as a cook. When it’s impossible to find every ingredient a recipe calls for, you’re always trying new combinations!
this chain called Hagens just popped up in SoCal and so far they seem much nicer, specifically, than the albertsons they replaced in my hood, produce wise, and they kept the whole staff through the turnover, so so far i support them. i think they’re from Oregon and are about local growers and organics and not costing all the money? i usually by the same 10 things every week, more or less, so i haven’t done a full compare/contrast yet.
local chain rankings:
Albertsons and Ralphs are usually pretty solid places to buy the things you will be eating. good pricepoint and selection.
Pavillions is gross. At least the ones near me. Not so sure about Vons, either.
Jons and Ranch 99 are great places to get things that aren’t just chicken and sliced bread and apples. like really fresh whole fishes or plantains or etc.
Gelsons is a Very Fancy Store that is good if you need A Thing to take to your parents house for dinner but usually out of my pricepoint comfort zone. Whole Foods is arguably branded and packaged toward a different demographic of monied, but all the above applies.
Trader Joes is fun, and ridiculously branded on ALL THE THINGS, but it’s got weird gaps in selection and is not actually the best store for all regular shopping. great for parties where you need A Thing. Fresh And Easy was very similar and had a one-up on TJ’s with pre-prepped meats in metal ready to cook containers (which tj’s now carries) but the one near me disappeared! and i don’t care quite enough to make it a journey. Also! Trader Joes produce goes bad so fast it is remarkable.
there! one totally person and site specific biased review of LA groceries i have known.
The thing I’m most looking forward to this weekend is participating in the Relay for Life with my aunt and cousin who both have fought and won against breast cancer in the last few years. I’ve never done Relay before, but I’m very excited to spend time with them and celebrate them.
Also, gardening, because we finally have access to our 20’x20′ community garden plot, and it needs a LOT of work before we can really get it all planted. But it’s time outdoors doing something productive, so I love it!
I was just assigned a community garden plot a few weeks ago! It had been previously covered with weeds. Once I got all that cleared away and planted a few things, I also got surprise bonus asparagus spears popping up all over the plot. I’m not really sure what to do about it but it grows surprisingly fast!
Free asparagus? So jealous! There is so much asparagus right around our plot, but so far none in ours. It starts to look really cool when it goes to seed. Like a big, wispy fern. We did get some bonus strawberries, chives, and walking onions, though.
Ours is a perennial plot that was (I think) abandoned last year, so it was covered in waist-high grass and dandelion-like weeds that had inch thick roots that went down 6 inches or so. Really tough work so far, but hopefully the opportunity to grow perennial crops will make it worthwhile.
Good luck with yours! Please post reports as you go along!
Toasties, please join THE GREAT BUTT DEBATE! Do you wash with soap between your butt-cheeks? (I have thoughts and some data, but will chime in later so as to avoid influencing the preliminary results.)
Before this comment I hadn’t even considered the possibility of not doing so! How else do you get that squeaky clean butt feeling?
I only use soap in three places but (BUTT) that is one of them.
….I honestly don’t know if there is still soap on the washcloth by the time it reaches buttsville. Overly sudsy might mean soap reaching the sensitive bits!
Just so you know, I am now singing “Don’t Go Back to Rockville” with “Buttsville” substituted in.
It’s the last train to buttsville and I’ll meet you at the station. . .
Um, yes…?
yes? until this moment i didn’t realize that this wasn’t mandatory for scrubbin’ down. i feel like when it comes to soapiness, it’s more important to focus on your butt than on, say, your elbow.
Nope nope nope. But I…. don’t soap much of anything at all? I use soap on my face every day/shower, but on my body maybe every two weeks? (Not on a schedule, just when I feel like I have some extra time, or when there an abundance of actual, visible dirt.) Front and back downstairs regions are thoroughly rinsed every shower but never soaped. How would I ever clean my washcloth enough to reuse it!? (I am irrationally distrustful of washcloths.) I do, however, keep baby wipes by my toilet for occasional use.
Yes…why would one not?
what are you even taking a shower for if you don’t wash your butt??
Yes, although honestly most of that routine involves removing the clump of hair that gets stuck there after shampooing. But there is also soap involved.
OH MY GOD I AM NOT ALONE. *joy*
Such a completely satisfying feeling, no? Some years I grow my hair long just for this purpose.
I WAS JUST THINKING THIS EXACT SAME THING
this is a running joke in broad city, and it is perfect
Only if it feels specifically warranted by a sense of grime above and beyond the tidy norm.
Well I wasn’t going to respond but I’ll step in to represent – not really? I assume soap runs down my back and takes care of it? I sometimes give it an extra rinse though. Otherwise butt germs would be all over my loofah?? Although I do give my lady parts a pass-through with the loofah so I dk. What a varied world, eh?
Does everyone else not have faith in their wiping ability? Do I wipe particularly enthusiastically and therefor don’t worry about it in the shower? So many new questions!
I’m with you. I just kinda swipe near it and figure shampoo runs that way anyway. But I’m not like detailing the crack or anything
Surely ‘crack detailing’ is more of a spa treatment than an at-home endeavor.
Yes, always. The alternative is… troubling.
Well this is fascinating and indeed I do! I use a Dr. Bronner’s bar, suds up my hands, and use my soapy hands to clean my nethers (other soaps irritate those delicate parts). Ever wash your parts with the Dr. B’s peppermint? SO TINGLY.
the first time i washed with dr. b’s peppermint, i think i actually said, “oh my” aloud, like a scandalized victorian.
YES! Although I had been warned about it like “You know how sometimes you brush your teeth in the shower and get some toothpaste on your chest and it tingles? Apparently this magical soap does that ALL OVER YOUR BODY.”
You might enjoy that minty shaving gel that Alba makes… I made the mistake of buying that once and honestly worried that my armpits were getting frostbite.
That sounds TERRIFYING.
Nothing has me shouting “DILUTE! DILUTE!” like a trip to the mucous membranes with peppermint Dr.B!
It’s my number one soap priority. Then front parts, then armpits, then feet.
I do, my butt traps lint and tiny pieces of toilet paper and stuff so I have to consciously wash it or there is buildup. Also sometimes in the summer when it’s sweaty and everything gets swampy, I develop BUTT PROBLEMS if I don’t wash with soap.
So what prompted my question was reading an article about a family taking a years-long road trip, and how their number one rule for avoiding BO in the car was “keep your butt clean.” It had literally never occurred to me to wash my inner butt! That’s what TP is for! But I did some Googling and yeah, apparently, most people (who comment on such threads) do think washing with soap is necessary. Color me astonished. It seems that men are more zealous on this front (I guess because of . . . hairiness . . . issues?). I thought I would put the question to you all for a reality check.
(Sorry to repost. IntenseDebate issues.)
I reaaaalllly hope that your google search phrase was just “do people wash their butts”
Pretty much. How to adult while having a butt, that’s what Google is for.
IIIIIINTERESTING! Learn something new every day.
Unless you own a bidet, there is no excuse for not washing your butt.
absolutely yes.
Yes with the body wash. But when I saw a guy I dated do it with my soap bar, I was super grossed out. (TMI?)
DO PEOPLE ACTUALLY CLEAN THEIR BUTTS? JK, but I don’t use soap bars, so, it should have to be body washes and such for anything, really.
I basically only wash wash my butt if I haven’t had a Brazillian wax lately. If I’m freshly waxed I really don’t need to worry about doing any extra washing, since I already use baby wipes all the time. But I feel gross and dirty if I’ve got too much hair going on down there, so I break out the soap and loofah then for sure. Plus baby wipes all the time. Allllllll the time.
Wait, do people not do this? Yes, always (I just use soap lathered up on my hands, no flannel or anything, and the other main spots are armpits, under breasts and crotch area) – I hadn’t realised it wasn’t the norm. (My boyfriend just stared at me in confusion when I asked him, though, and now we’re both horrified with each other.)
#teachthecontroversy
this weekend i am going on a fancy perfume-hunting expedition with a friend. we’re going to hit up all the swankiest boutiques and department stores and go a-sniffin’. i’m excited!
even if i didn’t have that to look forward to…thank god it’s friday. it doesn’t matter that it was a short week—it felt even longer than usual! as more and more projects landed on my plate this week, i felt like just bellowing, “I DON WANNA. NO.” sometimes i can bust through this and get to work, but i’ve been having trouble focusing and mostly just want to hide under a blanket instead of working. one of my friends suggested i take a vacation, but i just had a 3.5 day weekend and i took 2 days off just last month! i don’t need a vacation, i’m just a giant slug in the shape of a human.
so…what do you do when you feel your work ethic crumbling? how do you get past it and get back to work?
The Atelier Colognes are wonderful.
yesss. pricey, but incredible-smelling.
My local sephora just started carrying the Azur collection and it’s all so lovely!
So, this happens to me sometimes, because I can get overwhelmed easily and then just freeze. Instead of freezing, I do the following:
1) make a (SHORT, KEEP IT TO UNDER TEN) list of things I need to accomplish
2) I do not do those things right away. I put on some groovin’ music (I like 60s soul/R&B for this mood, ymmv)
3) I organize and clean my office. Stand up. File papers. Scrub my desk. Put away paperclips. Shred things.
Usually after an afternoon or whole day of that routine, I find I am in a better head space to get back to the things on my list. If not, I try to chip away a little at a time, and insert more cleaning or writing in between work binges.
yep, i do a variation on this, and it usually works. i think, unfortunately, i don’t have time to do the organizing/cleaning/slightly procrastinating part, and so i get overwhelmed and still freeze up? it’d be better for me to just take the time to organize my space and my brain, so i can actually get stuff done!
Yup. When I’m really overwhelmed at work, my to do list is restricted to two items. And they have to be bite sized: respond to x email, rather than: tackle inbox.
And tackling the desk chaos, or doing some filing helps me too. Something productive, change the physical environment; helps me feel like I’m not wasting time, and can help with a re-set. Or at least get to the end of hte day/week.
I’m having such an issue with this right now and it’s a problem because I am 100% not in a place to quit my job right now (thanks to excessive medical costs that aren’t covered by insurance). I have an appointment at 1:00 today to go talk to someone in the college administration department about projects and stuff I can be involved in to challenge myself and make me feel like I’m making a difference–introducing positive change for grad students here. I feel like I’ve exhausted my opportunities to do that in my current job as it stands and it’s causing stagnation and discontent which makes me sloppy and less motivated in my regular job duties..
oof. best of luck with your appointment!
Thanks! I’m feeling pretty positive about it!
As a former grad student in need of positive change, I applaud your goal! Tis a worthy effort!
Unbelievably I have a work related perfume story! In my Dark Days of grad school disillusionment I was working a miserable retail job at the city bastion of rampant consumerism (fancy outdoor mall). Everything was terrible so every day I worked I made a point to go try a different type of perfume at the department store and then rated and tracked my choices. Which is to say, finding something to look forward to every day at work helps. And so does fancy perfume.
this sounds so nice! the perfume part, i mean, not the part where everything was terrible.
For the perfume-hunting — you may already know this, but ask for samples, everywhere. The perfume salespeople in department stores (assuming they’re not slammed with customers) are usually delighted to talk scents and will give you anything! Nordstrom gives you your own little vials to fill on your own, as many as you want! Hermes will give you huge sample vials! Sephora has a policy of permitting you 3 samples, but often they’ll give you more if you ask! I have a little library of scents from all the samples I’ve accumulated, and the stores are getting a return on it to because I go back to buy the scents I loved from the places that gave me the samples.
For work ethic — a toastie recommenced Tomato Timer to me a few months ago when I was struggling to get a huge project done. It helped tons.
I’ve never actually purchased a whole Thing of perfume before– I have a friend who did some modelling, and she just gave me a bunch of little samples that people gave to her. But I’m all now and I need to restock!
I don’t have any advice for crumbling work ethic, but fancy perfume hunting is the best! When I was in undergrad I decided I wanted a new signature scent, so a group of friends and I spent a weekend going to all of the boutiques and department stores to find one! It was so much fun, and it was one of the best weekends I had in undergrad!
Clean the office. We don’t have cleaning staff (there are only 3 of us!) but taking a break to vacuum the conference room and get the files all put away helps me concentrate. Also having a snack while I work, or if possible(not going to get in the way of my tasks), put on a lazy show on Hulu (something I’ve seen a billion times) in the background.
I just bought a bottle of Atelier Cedrat Enivrant for summer, but I just got my hands on a decant of Aedes de Venustas Palissandre d’Or, and oh my fucking god that one is now on my top ten list.
What’s the thing you’re looking forward to most this weekend?
THIS GIF IS ME
I am sick, so:
My plan too! Clearly I need to stock up on nap gifs in between naps this weekend, though.
I am looking forward to a Middle School Throwback party my roommate and I are hosting tomorrow! I got butterfly clips and one of those “tattoo” chokers at Claire’s (they still make those!) and am developing a playlist filled with Nelly and Evanescence and Linkin Park and Music-era Madonna and Aaliyah. Yes.
Tell me about Middle School! Did you have a terrible time or a great time? What happened? Any funny stories to relate? Gather round!
BUTTERFLY CLIPS, oh my god, they were such a pain in the ass and they always ended up more on the floor than in my hair and I stepped on and broke SO MANY
edit: middle school was the WORST for me, but the years you’re referencing (musically, at least) are for me early high school and I have way, way better memories of high school than middle school, which I have taken to almost entirely blocking from my memory.
One of the strongest memories I have of middle school is of the IYDKYDG campaign that Coke had during those years. It was so mysterious! Everyone in my group of friends got a t-shirt and wristband from them at a concert, so we went as a group of octuplets for “Twins Day” during Spirit Week. Not necessarily a fun story, but a strong memory, anyway.
I saw a teen in the wild recently wearing a tattoo choker! Mind blowing.
NOPE.
I saw one too! It was making my sandwich at subway.
Welcome to Grownupville, where you will see your memories of your youth cannibalized as so retro. It’s…
… actually, it’s kinda awesome. ALL FASHION IS FLEETING, “COOL” DOES NOT EXIST, HAIL THE PASSAGE OF TIME, DESTROYER OF US ALL
Purple nail polish! Lincoln Park After Dark. Middle school was not great for me, but the fashion was stellar.
I think they must have given away Lincoln Park After Dark with something because I tie that color to middle school as well!
Hard Candy is bringing back the nail polish that defined my middle school years! I actually just stopped over at walmart (sigh) over lunch break and they don’t have it in yet.
Ugh, this is why you shouldn’t send your kids to Catholic schools. Middle school was not great for me either, and to top it all off I was wearing pleat-front khaki pants.
middle school was terrible (9/11 happened when i was in 8th grade, on a more personal note, i was ousted from my group of friends and then they wrote a fake newspaper with a headline celebrating my departure) but at the same time, it was the year missy elliot’s “get ur freak on” hit the airwaves, so things weren’t that bad sometimes?
how is it that I can be so sentimental for the music from such a terrible time? How?!
because the music was amazing! sometimes amazingly terrible, but still.
2001 alone had:
bootylicious by destiny’s child
drops of jupiter by train
butterfly by crazytown
let me blow ya mind by eve
it wasn’t me by shaggy
ms jackson by outkast
with arms wide open by creed
only time by enya
hero by enrique iglesias
WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE
Oh yes, hello, I have something that may interest you: https://open.spotify.com/user/1217515249/playlist…
(This is gonna out my REAL IDENTITY on the wilds of the internet but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make to spread the good word about this playlist.)
yesss
oh my god “u remind me” by usher. i forgot about that. how could i forget about that??
YELLOWCARD OMG
you’re an angel
This playlist is making me relive freshman year of college SO HARD. Vertical Horizon! LIFEHOUSE!
Sophmore year of college for me. Oh man. So many memories…
Oh man, that fake newspaper thing is BRUTAL! 9/11 happened my 7th grade year, which was also the year that my mother put a suitcase in her car, said “I’m going to visit some family, I’ll be back in a few days!” and then NEVER CAME BACK b/c she ran away with her LOVER (I’m not bitter, what?). But I lived just down the street from a Baja Fresh which was the best thing in the world.
Funniest memory I have of middle school: My friends and I were obsessed with the movie Moulin Rouge and decided to recreate the film scene by scene using our crappy home camera and no computer for editing purposes. I NEED TO FIND THIS VHS. I know its somewhere, but I think I hid it from my future self in order to spare her the embarrassment.
whew, your mom just up and leaving is way more brutal than some dumb 13 year olds making a newspaper.
that VHS sounds incredible. i hope you find it!
Middle school was the worst time of my life. My stepdad, a child and family therapist employed by the county (so, like, a social worker), steadfastly refused to acknowledge my IN RETROSPECT TOTALLY OBVIOUS depression, and constantly mocked me for being a moody preteen. Needless to say this did not help. I got sent to the counselor’s office for talking about suicide, and I was furious that someone told on me; it didn’t occur to me to be thankful and feel loved until like college.
When a new boy moved into our small town and my small group of ST:TNG- and band-nerds all had a crush on him (because he was new), we didn’t know his middle name but we knew his middle initial, C. I had been reading Cyrano de Bergerac and for some reason decided it was a good idea to joke that his middle name was Cyrano. It was not until I said this out loud to him that I realized he would think I was saying he had a big nose. (Years later I mentioned this incident to him, and not only did he not remember it, of course he had no idea what I meant by it even then, because middle schoolers don’t usually read 19th-century French plays.)
I don’t think anyone could pay me enough money to relive middle school again.
Sames. Oh my god it was awful.
Not enough money in the world.
It sounds like we were in middle school at the same time! It was horrible for me- I’m just now remembering my former friends kicking me out of their group in eighth grade. Also I was madly in love with a gay guy.
But whenever I want a nostalgia trip I go right to the music of the ~millennium. I’ve spent the past couple weeks listening to Eve 6’s Here’s To The Night pretty much every day.
Here’s to the Night was my high school class’s graduation song (in 2007).
I had multiple gay guy crushes the first two years of college.
I loooved middle school! I went from a small elementary where there was a very strong social hierarchy to a giant middle school. And for the first time there were advanced classes so I wasn’t bored all the time and I could hang out with other smart weirdos! And there were clubs! And school was downtown so we could walk to the library and the diner! And I generally had really, really great teachers in middle school somehow!
Seventh grade was awesome because I was completely in non-romantic love with my BFF and we had the greatest relationship ever and I miss her so much sometimes. She moved away right before our eighth grade year.
Wow I want to go to your party! That sounds amazing, despite my everlasting hatred for Evanescence and Linkin Park. Too bad Bath & Body Works doesn’t still make those sticks of body glitter in various fragrances, since those and tattoo chokers basically defined eighth grade for me.
I didn’t have a bad time in middle school (though high school was much better), but it’s mostly because I was that jerk who abandoned all her friends to hang with the cool kids. Realized in freshman year that this was a poor choice, apologized profusely, and got my friends back.
Ohhhh, the body glitter sticks! I had a green one that smelled like….apple, maybe? That and my vanilla lipgloss (I felt SO grown up because my mom would never buy me makeup so I had to buy it myself) are the two most nostalgic scents in the world for me.
I had a better time in middle school than some weird misfit kids – I think elementary school was actually harder for me in some ways, because I hadn’t found the other weird kids yet. But in middle school we banded together and I kind of became their ringleader.
That said, I was struggling with budding depression and anxiety, I wasn’t cognitively equipped to handle middle school responsibilities so I kept losing and forgetting stuff, I “fell in love” with a guy I met on the internet who lived across the country, and I didn’t really understand why I wanted to kiss my best (female) friend. So….rough times! But socially, it could have been worse.
Middle school was SUCH a crazy bananas roller coaster. No friends at the beginning, then a group of girls who kicked me out of the group during a RELAY RACE so I had to stand there and wait until my relay race team member finally came with the baton so I could grab it and finish the race and run to the bathroom to sob. Then I had no friends so I sat with my older sister and her friends for two days until she told me I couldn’t sit with them either. Eventually, I can’t remember how, I made a great group of friends that pretty much lasted through high school. It was the worst and the best.
Purple nail polish though. I had like 10 shades and would redo them every week during Gilmore Gorls and/or seventh heaven
I think I basically just spent 3 years thinking and talking about nothing but boys and Harry Potter. Not too bad, actually.
Middle school was SUCH a good time for me! I was in the academically gifted program from third through eighth grade, so I was surrounded by extremely nerdy people right as Harry Potter swept the world. I held annual slumber parties for the Harry Potter movie launches (the first one came out when I was in 6th grade). On one birthday, two different friends gave me the same “Languages of Tolkien” book. I had a super-long bus ride to school, and in 7th and 8th grade, my best friend and I used that time to tell each other massive mash-up stories of all our favorite fictional characters plus our original characters PLUS ourselves. I loved middle school.
I know I’m sooo late to the thread, but yeah, Middle School. I switched schools from my (friendly, racially and economically diverse) Catholic elementary school to the (99% white and wealthy) public school in our fairly upper middle class area, and so fifth and sixth grade were like hell in many ways. Luckily my school had a gifted programme and we nerds got herded together to support each other against the rest of them (including a math teacher who would penalize us heavily for late homework, but then lock the classroom so that those of us taken out of class to do algebra had no chance to find out what the assignment was. He still teaches there, the jerk). Seventh and eighth grade were the first time I had a whole group of friends again.
8th grade I finally got braces and suddenly the boys thought I was cute. I didn’t know what to do with the attention so I eeeeeked and scurried a lot. It was also before my mother was a falling down drunk so it was a lot less angsty. In 9th grade our class had a 3-day party at the end of the year, and that was just amazing. We all lied to every adult in our life and went down by the river, camped out and bonded to prepare ourselves for what we thought would be really turbulent high school years.
We are having dim sum tomorrow with dear friends and their adorable baby, and I am super stoked! I should also be receiving the last of the materials I need to complete my wedding shoes, which will be covered in a rainbow gradient of rhinestones, which is a completely ridiculous project but I’m doing it anyway.
yaaaay rainbow rhinestones, I hope we get to see a photo when they’re done!
Toasties, I am here for the now regular fanfic thread!
There was a new complete Darcy/Steve fic this week and it made me so happy because MY BABIES!!!
What are you reading. what are you writing, what recs are you looking for?
I’m always on the lookout for new DA:I Dorian/anyone recs! Something to keep me busy while I whine and hop from foot to foot impatiently waiting for Exit Light to be updated. It is so good you guys.
I started my own paltry Adoribull contribution because I couldn’t stand the suspense.
oh Dorian! I finally got far enough along with my elfy dude mage to romance him. It’s so swoony and heartbreaking at the same time! I actually think it’s my favorite DA:I romance so far.
Never enough Dorian, that’s my motto.
I’m posting my Mass Effect Big Bang fic in two weeks! I hope I’m allowed to say that here because my Toast name and my MEBB name are completely different. i’M JUST SO EXCITED I’VE BEEN WORKING ON THIS STORY FOR MONTHS.
I think I’ve officially read all the Daredevil smut on AO3 that has pairings that don’t squick me out. All of it. I know it’s a new show but how could I have worked my way through all the PWP already? I am not proud.
I have fallen into Mad Max fanfic and can’t get up. My fav is Aftermath by kaasknot (available at your local AO3) and anything by that author is really good. There was also a very nice Furiosa/Max with pegging but I can’t remember the author or fic name and obviously can’t go looking at work.
Okay, I think my comment disappeared for some reason?
I was saying that I’ve been reading a lot of Mad Max fic, and my fav piece so far was Aftermath by kaasknot (available on AO3). And also that I found a Furiosa/Max pegging fic that was very good, but I can’t recall the name of it and can’t look while I’m at work.
CAT THREEEEEAD
I managed to catch Anne being adorable and weird
Anne is pretty camera shy and immediately stops being adorable when she sees you preparing to take a picture, so this is special.
It’s a good thing they ARE this cute and that I love them, because otherwise I’d turn the little shits into a pair of slippers. Certain kitties tipped over the bin to get at the bones from last nights chicken and then were dumb enough to eat them on the floor in front of me. And yesterday, Anne brought in a dying bird. I put it in a box with some water and bird seed but sadly it died.
MONSTERS. MURDERERS.
I put a throw on the coffee table to hide the busted storage cube under it. Adele has decided that this makes for the perfect perch.
Monster Truck loves my new bed even more than I do.
MONSTER TRUCK
HIS NAME IS MONSTER TRUCK
So many tuxedo babes! <3
“wheeeee!”
I poured a jug of cat into a bowl to make a catterole.
PS – Owl Queen, hope you don’t mind my asking but have you tried bells/ those high-tech bird warning collars for your lovely fluffy little apex predator? (I know with some cats it just doesn’t work, alas.)
PPS – How do I make an image show up smaller on here? Googled but couldn’t find information…
They won’t keep a collar on, unfortunately.
They don’t achieve kills often. This bird had flown into our window and she took advantage of it. Previously there’s been two fledglings who left the nest a little too early and a baby mouse that must have wandered. I don’t think they’re much of a threat to the local wildlife, especially since they all live in a small neighbourhood with approximately 10,000 cats with outdoor access (I exaggerate, but I do know of at least 10 cats in just our small part of the housing block). Most of the birds and rodents here are hard-bitten survivors who deliberately taunt and mock the cats.
Haha, that’s good.
Btw,
No pics, but my foster kitty got adopted, yay. And I might be getting a mom + litter of tiny kittens next, so fingers crossed.
Yaayyy! Fostering a mom and tiny litter last year was one of the best things I’ve ever done. When the mom’s with them, kittens are almost all benefit, no cost.
Tongues are hard to remember about
BLEP
Best blep
Aaah, yes, perfect–I didn’t know this word existed (just looked it up)! Definite onomatopoeia going on with it!
ETA: And now you’ve sent me down the rabbit-hole of websites that present collections of blep-pictures. I have a work deadline today!!
Diesel is TERRIBLE about remembering his tongue. AWFUL.
I finally got a picture of my boys eating their nightly soup together!
And yesterday, Moa decided that under the table was good.
OMG I just overheard Jos having a very parental kind of row with the cats.
He was giving them a treat and Bonny was growling to keep Anne away and he was telling her off. So she started to growl at him.
The discussion:
– Don’t you dare, missy
– mrrrrrrrrlllllll
– And don’t talk back to me.
I feel like I want to know more about this marvelous patchwork knitted washrag your kitty is lounging on! Is it a free-for-all ninepatch, or something different? Can we get an unobstructed view?
It’s just some super-cheap acrylic knitted blanket I bought for 50p off a cat charity stall. It’s HIDEOUS, but Anne loves it so much she wails disconsolately every time it’s in the wash.
I don’t think I have an unobstructed picture, but I do have some better ones.
over Bonny
behind them all.
Free for all ninepatch seems about right, it looks to me like it was made with DK or worsted weight scraps.
I visited my alma mater this past weekend for their commencement/reunion weekend (it’s not my reunion year yet but my last batch of friends was graduating). The town has an art gallery with a kitten room in the back – littlecats that were picked up off the street and are being nursed back to health/prepared for adoption. People are encouraged to come socialize with the littlecats. This was the highlight of my college experience and I spent HOURS there over the weekend. Look:
This kitten bears an uncanny resemblance to Jon Snow (sad eyes, so much hair) so we named him Kitten Harington.
Also, I stayed at my friend’s house and woke up to her cat Nugget initiating the most intense power-cuddle I’ve ever experienced. I’ve never met him before but he spent an hour licking my face, purring fiercely, and snuggling under my chin.
I just drew a lot of attention for the squee I made at that sleepy tuxedo kitten.
he looks like Mallory’s littlecat!
OH MY GOD
KITTEN HARINGTON
Caz found a new box. It is now the box of judgement and he can sit in it and look superior whenever the dog walks by and looks like an idiot.
(Not pictured: the dog trying to pull him out of the Box of Judgement.)
Today Bella achieved FULL LOAF for the first time since her surgery! She’s still having a hard time moving her right back leg, especially pulling it in and tucking it under her, so this is an accomplishment. Here is a blurry photo of it:
Vacation cats, these are my in-laws’:
This is Appita, she looks like a dragon
Here is Linda, chillin’ on some steps
Her identical twin is living at my house!
I might see a movie tonight. Other then that, I’m working this weekend,so….
(edit to move cat pic )
Have decided to freak out more about house stuff. Speak to me of window ac units,and those split ac thingies.
Our little window AC unit has been kicking for like, 8 years now. Best $100 we ever spent!
window units are ugly but work great. Plus you don’t have to hire anyone to install it, just plug it in and chill.
i’ve recently discovered they make portable units, too. like, giant portable space heaters but… A/C. i’m seriously thinking about getting one ’cause the unit in my apartment disturbs my sleep but it’s getting too warm to get through the night without it. they’re a bit pricier, though. $200 and up.
the split A/C thingie may be what i have in my apartment. it’s installed into the wall between my bedroom and living room with vents into both rooms. the compressor/exhaust is outside. it’s way more efficient than what i had at my old place (one of those in-the-wall, near-the-ceiling ductless units). it’s costing me about 1/2 as much to cool slightly more sq/ft. it’s also a dual heat/cool unit but i only use it for cooling. it doesn’t get THAT cold here and i’ve gone to great lengths to weather-seal my doors/windows so i use a little space heater when i need to knock the chill off in the winter. my point being: i don’t know how my apartment unit performs as a heater.
for the record… i live kinda tiny. my old place was 450 sq/ft and my new one is 600. i don’t know how these sort of units translate into a larger “house” situation.
Ugh, Toasties, I am home sick for the second day in a row. I had a cold a few weeks ago, got better, and now I have a sinus infection. I am on 4 different meds just for this! Halp.
What do you all do to cheer yourselves up/make yourself feel less like a slug when you’re under the weather?
Feel better soon friend!!
When I am sick, one of the things I do is stick a bouillon cube in hot water, make broth, and stick club crackers in it until they get mushy and eat it. It is definitely my #1 Sick Food, and it just makes me feel so much warmer and better!
Oh that sounds good, actually. Something warm is always good when you’re sick. 🙂
I’m sorry! Sinus infections are miserable. I used to get really nasty ones all the time; not sure why they’ve dropped off, but PHEW. I hope yours is gone soon.
I eat a lot of miso soup when I’m sick, partly from some hazy conviction it’s good for me, partly because it can be as simple or as hearty as I want. While water or broth is heating, stir a fat forkful of miso with a splash of water in the bottom of a bowl.
Add any or none:
ginger/garlic/red pepper flakes/chile oil/sesame oil
spinach
scallions
whatever, basically
and pour in hot, not boiling, water to fill. When I start feeling well enough to eat Actual Food, I’ll add heartier vegetables and maybe soft-cook an egg in the broth.
I hope you feel better soon!
Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. Just drink lots of soup and watch a lot of TV/read trashy magazines. My mom (when she was nicer to me) used to make a really good potato-cheese chowder with a lot of onion in it, and if I had trouble sleeping, she’d make tomato rice soup. And listen to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSA_FhWBWCQ
I hope you feel better soon. If your sinus infection still allows you to taste and smell a little, Good Earth tea is cinnamony and reassuring.
Ok so I got into a “do you share a celebrity birthday?” conversation the other day, looked my birth date up on Wikipedia, and hey, Angelina Jolie! Bona fide celebrity birthday buddy. But also, fun facts!
1411 – King Charles VI granted a monopoly for the ripening of Roquefort cheese to the people of Roquefort-sur-Soulzon.
1917 – The first Pulitzer Prizes are awarded.
Tell me the funnest/weirdest things you can commemorate on your special day! I might have to buy myself some Roquefort and an award-winning book.
I share a birthday with Voltaire, Magritte and Carly Rae Jepsen.
Fun facts:
164 BC – Judas Maccabeus, son of Mattathias of the Hasmonean family, restores the Temple in Jerusalem. This event is commemorated each year by the festival of Hanukkah.
1877 – Thomas Edison announces his invention of the phonograph, a machine that can record and play sound.
1969 – The first permanent ARPANET link is established between UCLA and SRI.
Otherwise, lots of explosions, suicide bombings and building collapses on this day throughout history :/ So I guess I can commemorate my birthday by… listening to music and wasting time on the internet. Sounds good to me!
Voltaire, Magritte and Carly Rae Jepsen! <3
Beethoven’s birthday and the Boston Tea Party!
January 7th
1948 – Kentucky Air National Guard pilot Thomas Mantell crashes while in pursuit of a supposed UFO.
1920 – The New York State Assembly refuses to seat five duly elected Socialist assemblymen.
And Princess Charlotte version 1.0 was born.
I guess I could crown myself the queen of the aliens, and then in respect to socialism, abdicate.
I share a birthday with Christopher Wren(!) and Viggo Mortensen. The House UnAmerican Activities Committee investigations started on my birthday too.
I’ve always thought Joan Jett, John Housman and I would make for a great shared B-day party.
september 25 — i share a birthday with bell hooks!
also, aaliyah died, and central high school in little rock was integrated, and sandra day o’connor became the first female supreme court justice!
what a badass day!
I think my favorite shared birthday might be with “Lena Baker, American maid and murderer (d. 1945)”. But also, Nancy Sinatra and Kanye.
World Oceans Day
Battle of Antioch
Viking raid of Lindisfarne Abbey
1794 – Robespierre inaugurates the French Revolution’s new state religion, the Cult of the Supreme Being, with large organized festivals all across France.
1856 – A group of 194 Pitcairn Islanders, descendants of the mutineers of HMS Bounty, arrives at Norfolk Island, commencing the Third Settlement of the Island.
birthday twins! I was also excited about the Vikings!
Score!
My birthday is World Toilet Day AND International Men’s Day 🙁
Also Allison Janney and Meg Ryan’s birthday, the day of the Gettysburg Address and the day Milli Vanilli lost their Grammy.
Nooooo! But A+ trolling, whoever made Toilet Day and Men’s Day the same day.
So I am a huge fan of Arsenal (the English soccer team), have been for a couple of years. It was only after I became a fan, and started reading the book Fever Pitch by Nick Hornby that I discovered that on the very day I was born (year and everything), Arsenal scored against Liverpool in the last minute of the last game of the season, which gave them just enough points to win the league title that year. Very dramatic, movie type stuff (in fact, they did make a movie with Colin Firth that ends with that game). On the day I was born. It was fate that I’m an Arsenal fan 🙂
John Barrymore, Frederick Douglass, Terry Gross, and Teller among others.
1400 – Richard II of England dies, most probably from starvation, in Pontefract Castle
1779 – James Cook is killed by Native Hawaiians near Kealakekua on the Island of Hawaii.
2005 – YouTube is launched by a group of college students
That’s a bit of a roller coaster ride…
Jan 21st is the execution date of Louis XVI!
My birthday buddies are Genna Davis and Detlef Schrempf. I am so okay with this.
The day (and year to be clear) I was born, the stock market crashed. Black Monday, it is called.
I share my birthday with John Lennon, Sean lennon, David Cameron (ughhhhh whyyyy), Tony Shalhoub, BRIAN BLESSED, Annika Sorenstam, Zachery Ty Bryant, Chris O’Dowd, and Camille St-Saens. AND THE FIRST DOG, BO.
1642 – first European discovers Tasmania
1859 – On the Origin of Species published
1963 – televised murder of Lee Harvey Oswald
1971 – DB Cooper hijacking
Birthday of Frances Hodgson Burnett, Margaret Mounford and Ted Bundy.
I am completely mesmerized by whatever is going on here.
The National Spelling Bee! I was captivated! Those kids owned the dictionary.
Slightly overwhelming relocation thread!
This weekend i have my going away party (tonight), yard sale (Sunday) and last hang with my fam before i leave next Thursday. Taking things one moment at a time, and i feel pretty good. My anxieties already got fully activated and i processed that, so i feel like i can proceed with everything with acceptance and confidence, which feels great. Still have weird anxieties about showing up and my new employer saying “uh… We changed our mind. Sorry!” but that won’t happen because that’s ridiculous, right?
How is everyone else doing! Give me details!
Honestly I am feeling very much like this hippo right now.
God I need a vacation. A long one. A very, very long one.
Same boat here. I had my first moving-related cry, mostly just from being overwhelmed with a million tiny details. We have not even begun the process of actually moving yet, just preparing to move.
Things will improve, I tell myself, when I am actually in my new space, where it will be less about the things I am leaving behind and more about the new stuff out there to discover. This is the hope in any case…
Yep. Last day at work is today, I still have no plans, I am still terrified, this is a horrible idea, the end.
(It’s not as bad as all that, but it could be better.)
Hell’s bells, I was going to post another hug gif in response, but cannot seem to get the embedding to work.
So here’s an old-fashioned: **hug**
I’ve got one more week of waiting before I know for sure whether Portland wants to hire me. In the meantime, I get to move to a new apartment! I’ts just a little ways away from where I am now, but it gives me an excuse to get things in boxes in case I need to move substantially further.
Of course, I procrastinated like hell, so I’m going to be spending tomorrow going SALDKSFJLSKDFHSDLF before we move Sunday.
I am going to see MAD MAX FURY ROAD (yes I know, tardy to the party as usual) and walk around idly with my husband.
We are going at 3:30 and then having burritos because spouse has the day off and I’m SO HAPPY because also it’s gonna be like 90 here blecch.
I saw it on Monday and am itching to see it again!
I will ALWAYS be here to talk about it, whenever you’re ready.
Ditto. I’m glad to have wasted time this week reading like three different long Toast comment threads on the subject. Although I didn’t comment much, I was riveted throughout 🙂
I still haven’t seen it! Putting it on my to-do list for the weekend.
Seeing it for the third time on Sunday.
I’m going to try to go this weekend too! I feel like the last person on earth who hasn’t seen it but flooding/avoiding crowds/ennui
I just saw it Wednesday and HI HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT WHEN YOU RETURN
I feel like my weekend plans should involve seeing it again.
I wish I could see it again for the first time.
meee tooo! Finally! Then I’m going to come home and read all the articles I’ve bookmarked but haven’t read yet because spoilers.
PLEASE tell me Mad Max will still be in theatres in mid-June! It’s not playing in my town until June 12…which is the day I leave for vacation, grrrr. Fingers crossed that city theatres will still be showing the movie.
If this movie was actually about Tom Hardy, I would have to insist you rephrase to “tardy to the Hardy party.” But it is actually about ladies, so never mind.
IT WAS SO GOOD YOU GUYS I CAN’T GET BACK TO SLEEP
This weekend I’m finally going to see Mad Max and I’d like to personally thank the internet for raising my expectations sky-high.
Heh! I saw it yesterday for the second time in a sold-out screening and had a great time. Lots of giggling, cheering and applause, including some actual whoops!
I’m pretty sure we’re going to the theater that serves beer but only has cupholders in one of the theaters, so it’ll have that extra element of adventure!
YOU WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED.
OK, so you know when you’re mentally ill? And you have those days where you aren’t having a flare up as such, you just are in a mood that can be best described by lying down, waving your arms and saying ‘uuurrrrrrrgh’ until you run out of breath?
I’m having that.
Can’t focus on anything. Have tried and discarded three different knitting projects and one spinning project. Am debating casting on something new, but know that having more than three is asking for piles of unfinished shit.
Just do the lying down/uuuurgh thing until you feel better. I usually watch a lot of boring tv, too.
I can’t tell you how many unfinished crochet projects I have lying around for just this reason. I’m bipolar, btw.
I feel like I need to finish something to give me a sense of achievement, but everything I’m working on is at the irritating half way stage.
You know, the bit where it seems like all you do is work on it but nothing happens.
I get that feeling, aw hell do I. Sometimes I set myself some small, totally achievable task. I am going to [return this library book/change these sheets/walk around the block/write this postcard], then I do it, then it’s done. It can be as tiny as putting a glass in the sink; doesn’t matter how tiny it is, it’s an accomplishment.
Then I bask in the satisfaction of having done Tiny Thing, because even a Tiny Thing is a big deal when I’m in that state.
Or I lie down and flail my arms and go “UUUUURGH,” which is okay too. (Or I play grarosaurus, which can help, too.
Totally agree with setting tiny, tiny achievable tasks. This is especially important when I have bad days at work. Sometimes “print this paper” or “put this thing in a file” are all I have energy to do, and I’m happy with it.
Also physically write these tiny tasks down and when you do them cross them out with the biggest marker you can find. Sometimes I have to put things like fill up water bottle and drink water bottle down (as 2 separate things of course) but knowing that 10 seconds of work will let me cross something off totally helps.
I’m not a knitter/crocheter, I’m a quilter. When I need to feel like I’ve done something I make a tiny quilt. Like 18″ square. Just little. Then I hang it on the bedroom wall and know I’ve done something.
Not that it always works. I’ve spent a lot of time napping recently because I can’t be bothered enough to get up off the floor/bed/”sofa”
I just realised: Hexipuffs. Tiny, knitted hexagons, stuffed with lavender and polyester filling. Eventually tied together into a quilt. But one takes about an hour.
Yes, those piecemeal projects are super good for that kind of mood. I think crochet lends itself more to it than knitting but I’ve definitely done a blanket where I knit a fish whenever I felt like it and then when I was bored of knitting fish and had a pile of them I joined them together.
Successful hexipuff has been knit and stuffed and put in the hexipuff bag. I do, in fact, feel better.
YAY!
I just googled hexipuffs (I was picturing paper- pieced hexes for quilts) and holy crow are they cute!
They’re adorable. Plus, I use up old sock and lace-weight yarn. Every puff is a reminder of a pair of socks or a shawl I knit. By the time it’s done it’ll have puffs of all colours, some plain, some striped, some self-patterning, some varieagated, and fibres ranging from black hebridean (rustic and almost scratchy) to cashmere.
I never heard of these before, but I think I’ll have to start using my stash of yarn for these! (Most of my stash is blue and cream baby-weight yarn from a blanket I made that called for twice as much as actually required.
Do this, you’ll feel better:
Ah yes, I know it well. Jedi hugs for you. uuurrrrrrrghhhh.
I just realized, after finally conquering this blossom stitch baby blanket, flowers. I can crochet flowers. They are done in an hour or less, they use scraps, they give that beautiful sense of accomplishment. There are simple and complex patterns, depending on where I am. They are perfect.
Does “The bartender is no longer plagued” mean I can stop being sort of vaguely concerned about Nicole Cliffe? Because I’d like to check that off my list of things to worry about.
The thing I am most excited about this weekend is that my boyfriend bought an ABSURD car last week, neither of us having ever had a car before in our combined 65 years on this planet, and we are driving down to the Kent coast tomorrow. The car is a silver convertible two-seater with red leather seats. It has a chrome roll bar and some kind of modded racer exhaust pipes that are stupid. It’s really, really ridiculous. It has no boot. Hopefully there’ll be sun and we can put the top down and I can tie a scarf on my hair, as ladies are wont to do whilst riding in such cars.
We just bought our first new car ever, and my husband picked the color. It is BLUE. it is screaming, shouting, assault your retinas blue. Because he could.
don’t forget big sunglasses!
Ahhhh Toasties! Something amazing happened!
I was on a train reading when I noticed that some people were having argument. So I looked up and it quickly became clear that the situation was this: A man was harassing a woman with unwanted attention and being really damn pushy about it. She was obviously very intimidated and unhappy. So a second woman (who was probably only in her v. early 20s) was telling him to leave her alone and the man was shouting at her ‘I wasn’t talking to you!!’
So obviously I tried to support the women and said some things along the lines of ‘Yes, leave her alone. She’s not interested — why do you think you’re entitled to her attention?’, etc. He was very angry and shouty but eventually went into the next carriage. However a few minutes later, he came back in and shouted at us some more, particularly the second woman. At this point, a couple of guys told him to calm down too. He carried on being tedious and verbally aggressive and left again. Normal train life resumed. About 5-10 minutes later, he came back in again and I was thinking ‘Ohhh here we go again!’ when suddenly he…
…he apologized.
HE APOLOGIZED.
Literally the exact face I just made.
That might be the first time that’s ever happened in the history of anything! Excellent work.
This…
It…
YOU CHANGED A THING. YOU MADE A THING HAPPEN. YOU CHANGED THIS PERSON TO A BETTER PERSON, if only for a moment, and probably for a lot longer.
YOU DID IT.
Thanks! It was the second woman who was really amazing. I only backed her up and might not even have noticed what had been going on if she hadn’t spoken up.
FEMALE SOLIDARITY!
NOPE, DON’T BELIEVE IT, STOP TELLING US FAIRYTALES
Haha, it’s true! It’s true! I couldn’t believe it when it was happening but it really did!!!! Woop!
This is marvellous! Brava!
I don’t know about the weekend (Cute Boy still hasn’t told me what he wants to do, if anything), but I think I’m going to H&M after work to buy an Oxford shirt from the men’s section for myself so I can start wearing my bow ties.
(I’m also buying a shirt for him, because he looks adorable in shirt & tie..)
HOT
We will see! (although, he seems to think so, therefore you may be onto something?)
Ugh, I have a great dog nose photo, but no matter how small I make the photo, it keeps showing up huuuuuge. I’m going to put it in a reply instead, in an effort to be less obnoxious.
Behold, Leela’s Nose:
Awww, that’s cute and not too huge at all! But for future reference, when you want to control image size with html, you can type width=”300″ or whatever you want after src=”url of image”.
NOSE!
Looking forward to seeing “Fury Road” with other Toast folk in Boston Saturday night. We are meeting at 10:00 PM (for a 10:25 3-D show) at Fenway Regal outside the Brookline Ave. doors. Join us!
Okay, The Toast–can you give me a hand? I just realized that something might be a symptom of something wrong instead of a normal way of interacting with the world and my whole brain feels like it’s sliding sideways.
CONFIRM/DENY: if you are a lady, do you automatically scan sidewalks/gyms/meetings/bars/public transit for ratios of men/women, in particular men alone or without women in their group, anticipate what they might say/do to you, and make a plan for how to respond? Like, all the time? Are you preoccupied by worries about being sexually harassed at work, even when you’re not at work, even without it ever happening, or any hint that it might happen?
and okay, I need a moment to scream about how immensely fucked up it is that I genuinely cannot tell if this is hypervigilance or just a normal part of being a woman navigating the world
ok, I DO this, but I have borderline personality disorder which for me comes with a heaping side effect of paranoia. So….
I’d say if it’s negatively effecting your moods and your life it might be worth looking at, otherwise it’s better to be safe.
It comes in combination with a bunch of other stuff that my doc is concerned about. It just occurred to me that this level of monitoring might not be a normal thing? But I have no frame of reference outside my own head, and I’ve been doing it for years.
the public place thing, yes. the work/places where I know people thing, no. Agree entirely on the fuckuppedness.
I definitely assess and sort of pre-clench in all public transit/similar situations. Not so much at work; I can basically assume people will behave civilly (or if they misbehave, it will not be sexual harassment, but just being garden-variety snippy, etc.).
If you’re just taking a survey, the answer is no, I don’t do that, not to that level. I prefer to avoid dudes in gyms, but that’s more out of grossness.
Is it possible you have some post-traumatic anxiety about harassment? Whether you do or don’t, I think you might want to consider treatment, because that sounds like an unnecessarily anxious way to go about one’s life.
Take care– and we support you! You’re not doing anything wrong. Sometimes the brain just gets stuck in a rut (is how I think about it.) A counselor can help, and if you don’t have access to one, you can practice training yourself to turn away from those thoughts.
Not really, no. I scan a group just to see what’s what and if there’s some kind of IMMEDIATE threat/off-putting person, but I don’t do much beyond that.
I’m more likely to scan for threats in not-crowded and/or secluded places (empty streets, parking garages, that sort of thing) and tend to do a sort of Terminator-like scan periodically while walking about. In more populated areas (sidewalks/gyms/meetings and so on), I am a lot more lax about noticing my surroundings.
I don’t, but then I don’t really pay attention to my surroundings in general, and have a tendency to walk into lampposts.
If I’m in my head with writing, and I’m walking down sidewalks, I forget about curbs. Then I do a magnificent fall which I think is the funniest thing in the world. And people walk a lot faster and leave me to my giggling.
I do not do this! Then again, I have always lived in suburby areas, so I almost never see groups of people on sidewalks, and I don’t take very much public transportation. I think, if I were alone in an unfamiliar place, I would do it but I’m more of a rely-on-peripheral-vision-because-I-don’t-want-to-accidentally-make-eye-contact-with-strangers person.
I do not do either of those things. I am much more likely to evaluate my surroundings (outdoors, subway cars) when they appear to be deserted or populated by only a couple other people – crowds generally feel much safer to me. I definitely don’t do it when in actual establishments like bars/gyms.
I have really never even given serious consideration to the possibility of being sexually harassed at work.
Doing it *all*the*time*, regardless of experience or perceived safety? yeah, I’d go with hyper vigilance.
I do tend to be the sort of person that wants to have a *plan* for these sorts of things, even the unlikely ones (like being sexually harassed at work), but generally once I have a plan that seems solid, i can stop thinking about it, especially if it’s really unlikely.
I also change my crowd-threat-assessment-planning subroutines based on who I’m with– if I’m alone vs. with a partner vs. with several people, but if I’m with a group or in a safer place, I generally worry significantly less.
Not, perhaps, to this degree, but yes, I do scan for dangerous situations and spend a LOT of time thinking about how to respond to these kinds of threats. I… may have taken time off of work after the Santa Barbara shootings because I could not even handle the thought of being outside and exposed to exactly what you write above.
But it is not just you! I read this yesterday and it seems terribly relevant. http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jan….
For sure, I do continuous threat assessment in anonymous public spaces, by which I mean mostly I’m aware of solo men or groups of men-only as possible catcallers/infringers into my space, because those things are A. most likely to occur; B. most likely to escalate into something worse.
If you feel the need to observe similar vigilance at work despite having no experiences of harassment or reason to expect it, I’d ask:
– Do you work in a small group where you know people’s patterns of behavior, or in a large group where many people you encounter are unknown quantities? Is your vigilance telling you that work is more like a public/unknown space than a private/known one?
– Is the work culture such that you think harassment is likely to be tolerated? Is your vigilance telling you something about your place of work?
– Is there someone specific, or some specific situation, that is triggering your caution or anxiety? Is your vigilance telling you something about a colleague, place, or repeated scenario?
You’re the best judge of whether this is normal (horrible, unfair, goddamned dystopian) female vigilance or hypervigilance. But those questions might be a good place to start.
Those are really great questions–thank you!
It isn’t even necessarily anxiety–just constant assessment. If additional factors get involved, like drinking (at a work function) or other triggers occuring elsewhere, then it’s WHIRLING LIGHTS SIRENS PANIC MODE. But mostly it’s constant awareness/wariness. (For the record, large group but I know most people by sight, no I don’t think it would be tolerated but it’s a male-dominated space (tech consulting), no specific trigger for general vigilance but certainly triggers that can push it into full on freakout.)
Thank you, again, for those questions. Helpful to have useful ways to slice and dice data.
To be clear: Those questions are just for you, just something to consider as you feel this stuff happening. The answers are none of my business, and your assessment of your answers is none of my business, because you are the one who gets to live with your decisions. Sometimes, those questions might point out where the feelings are coming from, is all.
I do the same thing but I have karate training and a rabid anxiety disorder, so probably also not normal.
Yes, ditto to all of those things. It can be exhausting, but I don’t really know any other way of being.
I do not do most of this, because I AM AN OLD WOMAN WHICH (often) GIVES ME THE SUPERPOWER OF INVISIBILITY!
But I have always scanned subway/”el” train cars for other women before I board when I am traveling alone late at night. I still do that. Being old and invisible does not prevent harassment entirely, I have recently discovered to my chagrin.
I do this and have a constant checking dark corners in my house thing, and paranoia about sexual violence, etc. but I have an anxiety disorder and bipolar and attribute it to that
Oh, I’ve been waiting for the Open Thread today bc the FIFA presidential vote is taking place CURRENTLY and I’m Very Interested in the outcome. I mean, Blatter’s going to win, but I want to know how much (if any) of a swing there will be towards Prince Ali. The Guardian has a liveblog here, but it’s not super exciting right now because the voting is two at a time so it takes forever. They’re up to the K countries, apparently.
BLATTER 133, PRINCE ALI 73. SECOND ROUND OF VOTING which will be pm useless because it’s unlikely to change the results any. But this is still better than expected pre-arrests!
Prince Ali withdraws, Sepp Blatter wins.
Ugh, this makes me so sad and angry. Mass arrests for corrupt ExCo members and Blatter still gets another term?! You’d think if anything convinced people to vote against him, it would be his corrupt nonsense actually having real consequences for people. But apparently not. He is invincible.
Eh, the problem is the entire way the elections are set up. There’s 209 votes, from each of the 209 federations. CAF (Africa) and AFC (Asia) together give him a power block of 103 countries, and he only needed 105 to win. Oceania and most of CONCACAF and CONMEBOL were expected to also vote for him, so that puts him way over.
As long as Blatter continues to funnel (necessary) money towards the African, Asian, etc. countries, he’s going to keep getting their support. In part it’s an “I scratch your back, you scratch mine” setup, but a lot of the smaller federations genuinely believe that a candidate other than Blatter, especially one with European backing, will go back to the old Euro-centric status quo, and they’ll be left in the dust again, fighting for a singular place at the world cup representing all of africa and asia.
That’s also why with the US instigating the arrests, and UEFA and Platini being openly anti-Blatter, a lot of the narrative from African/Asian officials is NOT “corruption is bad and FIFA needs to be cleaned out” but instead “the western world is conspiring to keep developing countries like ours down so they can stay in power” with the corollary of “any criticism of Blatter is an attack on third world football”
Which is not true, but the underlying fears about this negatively affecting football in developing nations are definitely understandable.
ANYWAYS the sad but also decent news is that this DID convince people to vote against him. I doubt UEFA was as solid a “no” as this before the arrests; the US and Canada went against the tide in CONCACAF to vote Prince Ali, and Australia and New Zealand also broke away from the AFC and OFC respectively. But those are all still first world countries of European heritage. There were rumors some countries in CONMEBOL were going to vote Ali, and we can’t know for sure because secret ballot. But CONMEBOL also has been influential in FIFA for much longer.
Last election no one even bothered running against Blatter. The fact that this would have gone to a second vote is a remarkable loss for him, despite the fact that he’s still in power.
It was even worse than nobody running against him last election. Mohammed bin Hammam was running, but three days before the election, FIFA banned him from all football-related activities because of bribery. Three days. Of course, he was definitely involved in bribery, he brought suitcases of cash to a meeting with Caribbean officials promoting his candidacy. (Jack Warner, one of the people arrested this week, was heavily involved in that too, and resigned from FIFA before he could be kicked out.) But for the decades of corruption to go on unhindered, and the only instance of corrupt activities to actually lead to forcing someone out to be the only person running against Blatter in the election? Absurd and unsurprising. I adore football more than is reasonable, but FIFA is the literal worst.
Oh, right! I just looked up the last election results out of curiosity and it said Blatter got 203 of 206 votes, unopposed. I knew about the bin Hammam bribery but my brain failed to connect that to Blatter being unopposed in the election.
Anyways yeah, it’s all a ridiculous mess. There’s still the hope of future arrests as the FBI and Swiss investigations proceed. And a lot could still happen in the next four years to push Blatter out of power for good.
I don’t understand this FIFA thing AT ALL.I read somewhere that a Palestinian group wants Israel banned or kicked out or something? Does this mean they would not be able to play soccer/football or just that they would not be able to be refs/make rules? Someone explain this please for those of us who are sports-impaired.
oh, so that’s actually mostly unrelated to the controversies. And it’s more about politics than actual sports, for the most part.
Palestine and Israel have separate national federations, both of which are FIFA members (though they belong to different continental groups- Israel plays matches as part of Europe, Palestine as part of Asia.). As you might expect, they don’t really see eye to eye on much of anything. For example, it’s difficult for Palestinian teams to attend tournaments/set up matches outside of Palestine because they usually have to travel through Israel to get anywhere.
Palestine brought a motion forward at today’s congress to hold a vote on suspending Israel from FIFA. I don’t think anyone expected it to pass, but it was a chance for Palestine to air their grievances more publicly. If Israel was suspended, for however long they were suspended their national teams would be banned from all official FIFA competitions- the world cup but also European competitions, and even most friendlies etc. with other FIFA nations. Their club teams would also be banned from international competitions, like the Champions or Europa leagues. It would have been a massive blow to the Israeli federation and Israeli soccer.
So before it actually came up to a vote, Israel and Palestine’s representatives were working with the help of other FIFA officials to reach a compromise on the specific issues Palestine had raised. Most of it was settled relatively easily- Palestinian players will get easier passage through Israel, they’ll set up a future mechanism for negotiating conflicts, they’ll build more pitches in Palestine.
The one that was the real sticking point was the fact that five teams in Israel’s league structure are from illegal Israeli settlements on Palestinian land. Palestine asked for these teams to be banned from the Israeli leagues, based on the fact that they’re on illegal land. Israel’s reaction was about what you’d expect considering their general outlook on the illegal settlements. FIFA’s suggestion was to bring the issue to the UN, but Israel doesn’t want to do that because the UN generally tries to honor stuff like land boundaries.
Eventually today there was enough pressure put on the Palestinian FA that they formally withdrew their request to have Israel suspended, the vote was taken, and 90% voted to keep Israel in. There was also a horrendously awkward handshake between the heads of each FA. Basically back to the status quo, although hopefully Israel honors the other concessions it made, so Palestine does get something out of it.
Thanks for your top drawer analysis and for sharing your knowledge. If only it could be different!
Getting married in a week, egads. Lots is going wrong but one small thing I don’t want to jinx might go right! Fingers crossed.
If you have any advice for the day or the week before, aside from drinking wine/taking deep breaths, please share!
You love your partner and s/he loves you and that’s not going to go wrong. So whatever happens, you’ll end up married to the person you love, which is going to be BRILLIANT. Congratulations! x
Congratu-bestwishes!
ADVICE? OH OKAY:
– Knowing we were likely to be busy with guests and giddy with joy, and that we both default to not-eating when busy, I asked my Best Woman to fill plates of wedding food for me and my husband, sit us down, and watch over us while we ate at least a few bites. (I also asked her to sit with me the morning of the wedding and watch me drink at least one coffee so I wouldn’t forget in the bustle of the wedding prep.)
– The Fella and I built ten minutes into the day, immediately after the ceremony, to be alone together. Nominally, it was to sign the marriage certificate, but I had my brother (who handled the wine) stash a cold bottle of wine and a beer in our room so we could stand together, sip, and just be married for a few minutes. I think about those ten minutes all the time.
– If you’re having a DIY ceremony/wedding, with no one who’s put together a zillion weddings on hand, things can feel rushed or laggy, or (worse) both. We put 1:00 p.m. on our wedding invitations, and at 1:00 p.m., my Best Woman said “Hey! It’s time! Let’s go!” So, uh, we did. I think we could have given guests a 15+ minute grace period; lots of people were still arriving during the ceremony.
HAVE SUCH A GREAT TIME!
Toasties, I chipped a tooth on Monday (eating supposedly seedless dried cherries, grumble grumble) and Tuesday was SURPRISE ORAL SURGERY day. I get to go back on Wednesday to finish the job (apparently my mouth is a mess, despite a lifetime of fastidious oral hygiene). I now have to abstain from flossing for two weeks, and alcohol for a month. Oy. Well, it’s a good opportunity to clean up my diet.
Share your favorite soft and low-sugar foods here.
Rice pudding! Good cold, but also good lukewarm if temperatures are a minefield right now and you can make it with virtually no sugar–cinnamon adds a lot of warmth and sweetishness. Solidarity and best wishes for your teeth. I was trying to be healthy and eat raw almonds this week and I heard a very ominous noise inside my head. Waiting to see what happens, but argh.
Rice pudding was the only thing my grandmother wanted to eat towards the end of her life. Of course, she wanted it with bunches of (seedless) raspberry jam mixed in. I’ll have to make some (sans raspberries, or maybe I can find a no sugar added jam). Ugh, sorry to hear about the ominous noise. Good luck!
With Raspberry Jam just changed my weekend plans for the better, thank you.
Cook some grains, then when they’re done, add a bunch of milk and make pudding. Since you have to avoid sugar, maybe some soft cheese? So it’s like rice pudding but savory, plus you get to try a bunch of different grains if you have a fancy health food store nearby.
Oh this sounds good, like healthier cheesy-grits (a hangover staple in our house). Yay!
If you enjoy beans as much as I do: overcooked black-eyed peas. Or red beans. Or black beans. Let them cook longer than usual and they fall apart into a savory, tasty mush. Be sure to include plenty of that pot liquor with your serving of beans. There’s so much flavor there.
Sorry you have dental troubles. That’s a horrible kind of pain and terribly expensive. Wishing you excellent pain meds and efficient dental work.
I adore beans, and have been eating a lot of lukewarm refried beans this week. This sounds awesome, and I was planning on making a big bowl of Lisa Fain’s pinto beans anyway ( http://www.homesicktexan.com/2008/11/pinto-beans-… ).
I now have to abstain from flossing for two weeks
Seriously, I can’t even imagine. #obsessivedailyflosser
Yes, it’s terrible. The worst part is, despite also being a daily flosser, I can’t floss BECAUSE I HAVE PERIODONTAL DISEASE! The treatment is between my teeth. I know it’s not my fault (it’s hormonal) but it feels like there’s cement between my teeth and it’s driving me nuts.
pretty much. sorry to squick you out.
Can you Water Pik? Those things are pretty neat & you can load it with warm salt water for bonus clean points.
nah, The treatment is an antibiotic paste that’s sitting in between my teeth/on my gums. It’s supposed to kill the bacteria that causes periodontitis and encourage my gums to come back onto my teeth. I can floss all the teeth except for those (my right-side molars), and the dentist tells me that the paste more-or-less keeps the crud out of your treated teeth. I can floss that side next week, and then they’re going to do my left-side molars. Still: the treatment itself feels gross, is making my teeth extra sensitive (on top of the damn root canal!) and all I can think is UNCLEAN when I skip those teeth.
Water picks are great, though.
Oh, what a drag! I have to say, though, I have learned so much about what can go wrong with teeth in the Open Thread that I feel like it should warrant a subgenre in horror films. Starting with Cadaver Gums: The Retoothening. Hope you’re out of pain and re-sparkled soon.
Ugh, yes, dental work can be horrifying. The whole point of this procedure is to avoid my having to have gum grafts later, but if I do wind up having them, I’m going to refer to them as my zombie teeth.
Youch, I’m sorry to hear it!
After oral surgery, I ate a lot a lot of:
slightly overcooked mac & cheese w/spinach stirred in, both to cool it down for my tender mouth and to add some vitamins and fiber
refried beans with avocado
hummus, baba ghanoush
roasted, smashed-up winter squash
ooh that all sounds tasty!
I just remembered that I detailed some of the not-sweet foods from that recovery in the first comment here. I also ate:
creamed spinach over smashed-up potatoes
grocery-store pot pies
overcooked veggie lasagne
bean soups of all descriptions (some people have to be very, very careful about bean skins after oral surgery; I didn’t have any trouble to speak of), sometimes cooked down to a thick glop and served over smashed sweet potato
and several take-out nights from the nearest Indian restaurant, though your tolerance for rice and/or spice might vary. Mostly, we ordered Indian meals because I ate saag panner and kofta while I was still feeling the effects of the magical IV drugs, and that first meal still lingers in my memory as the best fuckin’ thing I’ve ever eaten, and while doped up on post-op drugs, I was chasing the memory of that bliss for several days.
Obviously everyone’s different, and everyone’s aftercare instructions can vary, but for me, this was vital: I was prescribed opiates for recovery, which had a terrible effect on my digestion. I made sure to eat lots of soft-cooked vegetables and drink ridiculous amounts of water to combat that. I wish anyone in the surgical office had suggested that.
thanks for coming back with that link!
I broke a tooth a few months ago and had an emergency root canal. I ate a lot of vegan pho (minus bean sprouts) with tofu. Cauliflower cheese is also soft and low sugar.
That’s pretty much what happened to me: emergency root canal and the discovery that my pre-existing periodontal disease had advanced to the point that treatment is needed. (and would have been treated at my next scheduled cleaning, but since they were already in there…)
Pho! Good idea!
This is suuuuper late, but I’ve worked out that I can make chocolate porridge/oatmeal! Recipe as follows.
Get a cereal bowl, and put 3 heaping tablespoons of quick cooking oats in it. Add about 1 tsp cocoa powder, and stir so the cocoa breaks up. Add a mix of half milk and half water so the liquid level comes to about 1/2 a centimetre to 1cm above the level of the oats. Feel free to add raisins, cinnamon, ginger, whatever else, if you like. Not sugar though, that comes later.
Microwave your bowl for approximately 1.30 to 2 min on HIGH, and then 3 minutes on LOW (or 10% power). Keep an eye on it for the HIGH bit so it doesn’t boil over. I’ve worked out that in my 900W microwave, I can cook it for 1 min 40 sec without it boiling over. You don’t need to worry during the LOW section.
After cooking, remove from the microwave and add brown sugar to taste. I usually do about 2 tsp or so but I like it sweet and also I eat the chocolate porridge as a dessert. Honey or maple syrup or what have you would also work.
To make it on the stove, cook it basically the same as boiling an egg: start off cold, bring the oats/liquid mixture to a boil, then drop the temperature to a simmer until it thickens. Soak your bowl/pot immediately, because this stuff sets like concrete once cold.
I hope you feel better soon!
Trigger warning — discussion of flashbacks, slight description of personal traumatic events. I placed a couple of questions at the end if you want to skip the description of what is happening to me.
Toasties, I have a question about flashbacks. I’ve been getting a weird…..THING, and I realized that everything I know about PTSD and flashbacks basically comes from TV and movies, so I wanted to see if I could get some input from people I trusted. I had a pretty traumatic work experience at a work trip back in January — it was a mix of being in physical pain due to a undiagnosed condition that was exacerbated by the physically demanding aspect of the work trip plus being at an event that is directly opposed to my personal, deeply-held beliefs (this was when I worked for the local Catholic Diocese), where I had to listen to lots and lots of offensive lying rhetoric.
For a while, I was ok, but since I left that job, I’ve been having these really intrusive and very very vivid memories of this one particular portion of the trip, often when I’m just waking up or just falling asleep. It’s overwhelming and I get very upset and scared, even panicky, but I never get confused about where or when I am. I have GAD and my therapist said I had some symptoms of PTSD from a different work bullying situation, but I’ve never had anything like this before. Could this be a flashback?
In summary (in case you wanted to skip possibly triggering material): What do flashbacks feel like for others? Are they always accompanied by not being sure where/when you are? Are they usually like what they’re depicted as in movies/TV or is that just one kind?
PTSD person here. Sounds like my flashbacks. I’ll also have random flashes of associated but innocuous things from that time of my life. I know where I am,and I know that they’re not real, but it is disturbing.
I’ve been doing emdr off and on (currently off due to other life factors). I’m still skeptical of the process, but it is helping to reduce the fear factor.
Starting with the disclaimer that I have no idea if my experience is representative of the norm: I had a very disturbing experience a few years back. Physically and mentally traumatic, but thankfully over quickly. At first it was just a thing that happened, but a few weeks later that I might be doing anything at all when suddenly the experience would replay in the space of about one second and I would have the same physical reaction I did at the time–resistance, shock, anger, etc.–and would have to calm myself back down. I never lost track of space or time; it was a flash, literally, back to the event, and then a brief period of trying to remind myself it was over, I was more or less safe (not really until I moved, but the event wasn’t happening anymore), etc. I don’t know if that helps, but I’m very sorry for what you went through and that it’s reasserting itself like this. If you meditate at all it can help (a little) to remember the idea that what’s coming up for you is not a new event but just a thought. It’s okay to be frightened of it–scary thoughts are scary–but you can also try to gently label it as just thinking and release it. Good luck.
Short Answer: Yes, this could be a symptom of PTSD.
Longer Answer: I have no idea what the psychological community “counts” as a flashback vs. not at the moment, but the combo of intrusive vivid memories plus intrusive vivid emotions sounds pretty typical of PTSD. My experience of PTSD never involved me being unaware of my actual surroundings. Instead, they have primarily involved me having inappropriate emotional or physiological responses to (typically) benign stimuli (ie, panic attacks because I was too cold).
I’m really sorry that happened to you. My personal experience is that I don’t tend to think of them as flashbacks, but they are – I tend to think of them simply as unwanted, intrusive thoughts. I’ve been treated for PTSD in the past, and I don’t actually know if that predisposes me to similar reactions to trauma going forward. One thing to consider is that if they’re unwanted and disruptive, they don’t have to conform to any sort of standard – your experience is valid, and any mental healthcare practitioner worth his or her salt will value that.
PS – my prior experience with EMDR was excellent – life changing, really – and I’ll second @LacaunaKate that I don’t get it, but it works.
One thing to consider is that if they’re unwanted and disruptive, they don’t have to conform to any sort of standard – your experience is valid, and any mental healthcare practitioner worth his or her salt will value that.
YES YES YES YES YES.
Thank you all so much, this all really really helps.
Can we have a thread for Toasties whose efforts to lose weight are not going so well? I’m going to put my own little rant in a reply so that anyone who doesn’t want to see it can collapse the thread.
Okay, so. I have slowly but surely losing weight over the past year. Like “one pound per month” slowly. I’m going for the sensible, sustainable way. It was all going well, and then at the beginning of this month I weighed in at 4 pounds higher than the previous week. I’ve consistently weighed in at that higher weight all month.
My clothes fit the same and my measurements are the same, so it’s probably just water weight. But at the same time, my body doesn’t normally hang on to water weight for this long. A couple of days and it’s gone. So I’m in this vicious cycle of getting upset over the number on the scale and feeling stupid for getting upset and then getting more upset because I feel stupid… etc. It’s just that I’m back to weighing what I did at the beginning of February, and it’s the end of May, and I wanted something to show for almost 3 months of eating healthy foods and exercising regularly! It can be frustrating enough to see how slowly the weight comes off – to have it bouncing back on me like this is really not my idea of a good time.
The only thing I’ve changed over the past couple of months is that I used to do hour-long cardio sessions 3-4 times a week, and I scaled it back to 35-40 minute sessions. My motivation just vanished and I went from thinking, “WHOA COOL I can do this for a full hour!” to “Ughhhhh I have to do this for a full hour?” so I had to choose between working out less or burning out and not working out at all. (I also walk home from work, which takes about an hour, every day unless it’s pouring rain.)
I feel really silly now that I’ve typed this all out. I’m just constantly worried about backsliding and undoing all my efforts. I just need a bit of Toast-style encouragement and virtual hugging.
(Please don’t tell me that the only way for me to continue to lose one measly pound a month is to do 4 hours of cardio a week, every week, on top of a calorie deficit and an hour’s walk every day? That’s just absurd.)
I can offer nothing but hugs and commiseration. I’ve been trying to lose weight for about two years and have instead mostly been gaining weight. Then, wonder of wonders, I managed to lose about 4 pounds between January and March this year. And it was wonderful and exciting. And April rolled around and I started riding my bike to work twice a week (10 miles each way), and I promptly gained 5 pounds. And now I just don’t know. If I keep it up it will start working again, right?
I wish I could offer more than just saying you’re not alone. I’m glad I’m not alone at least.
Is it possible that some of your gain is muscle?
I don’t really do strength training (beyond body weight squats) so I doubt I could have put on 3 pounds of sheer muscle. 🙁
Sounds like you need a cheat day and/or a week of rest from exercise. Both of those are important parts of a weight loss program. And I don’t know what your calorie deficit is, but maybe you can try eating a bit more? I mean if it’s a 500 calorie deficit on top of all that exercise, that’s not sustainable and your body will rebel.
Also have you considered weight training? More muscle = more calorie burn! Plus pushups are good for you.
I was thinking of doing the workout from Nicole’s latest Feel The Burn column! Maybe that can be one of my new Health Month rules for June.
Health Month is such a fun way to keep track of goals!
1. (((Virtual hugs))) 2. Definitely play with–and that’s important, it can’t be grim–strength training. Bodyweight exercises, free weights, you name it. They’ll all help your resting metabolism be fizzier and happier. 3. That said, I feel your pain! I gained a little weight back just as my metabolism noticed I’m aging and did a runner, and it has been SLOW going trying to feel inspired. Also, I just like pancakes so much.
I have a few ideas, but I am not a scientist or a person who loses weight very easily, so grain of salt, ymmv, etc, etc.
1) Have you been tracking how your weight fluctuates with your period? I always gain 5 ish pounds the week before my period and it hangs on until mid way through my period, usually. That’s just what happens, there is no stopping it, I just weigh more for about a third of the month.
2) Have you considered not checking your weight so often? When I was first losing weight I checked every morning, in an attempt to see a pattern (see, for example, the period weight gain). But then after a while the benefits of the tracking weight far outweighed the detriments to my mental health.
3) Echoing Goomaly: weight training! I find that I feel more of a benefit to weight training than cardio, and I can spend much less time doing it. And you get to eat more! When I am consistently lifting I basically eat whenever I am hungry (although with a focus on healthy, high-protein foods) and feel happy with the way my body looks and feels.
4) “Please don’t tell me that the only way for me to continue to lose one measly pound a month is to do 4 hours of cardio a week, every week, on top of a calorie deficit and an hour’s walk every day? That’s just absurd.” That is absurd, that is very likely not the solution. And sometimes a calorie deficit + lots of exercise can harm you, rather than helping.
5) Have you had your thyroid checked?
Speaking of thyroid stuff…I had some bloodwork done recently when I started antidepressants and my TSH is a little over the top of the reference range. When I talked to my doctor about it she basically said we should treat it if I was having symptoms. My symptoms could all ALSO be explained by depression (mood stuff, energy, weight gain) and the antidepressants were helping a lot so I didn’t pursue it. Is that reasonable or do I need to follow up?
I have that and was told I just need to get it regularly checked to keep an eye on it.
2) Yeah, the scale is definitely going under the bed for the next month or two. I don’t normally check my weight so often, but when I initially noticed the gain I thought, “Just bloating, I’ll weigh myself again in 2 days and it will be gone,” and I did and it wasn’t, and then I got a bit obsessive about it.
5) I got my thyroid checked maybe 2 years ago? It was in the normal range. I do have a few symptoms of hypothyroidism, like irregular periods when I’m not on the pill, dry hair and dry skin, occasional bouts of fatigue, etc. but those could be caused by any number of other things.
Definitely in the same frustrating boat, though I know I am in a solid backslide with regards to healthy eating. An hour of walking plus additional 35 – 40 minute workouts is really impressive! I’ve stayed fairly regular with exercising in terms of time, but have definitely shifted activities from mostly cardio, to mostly strength/HIIT, and currently mostly yoga.
Just trying to keep focused, re-center my eating on more leafy greens and veg and keep positive.
I have no advice, but I know how you feel.
Ugh, I know exactly what you mean. I’ve been exercising consistently and nothing about my weight has changed in the past two months. This may sound silly, but have you tried checking the scale itself? If you don’t feel like you’ve gained any weight and your clothes feel the same on you, maybe the scale is to blame? Is it low on batteries? Poorly calibrated? I used a scale once that had me gain 10 pounds in the space of one minute because I wasn’t stepping on it properly!
Jedi hugs! I’m not actively trying to lose weight, but I am trying to not gain weight and…it’s not going well. About a year ago I started gaining weight for no reason I could determine–I was still eating the same, exercising the same….
I’m feeling pretty upset and apathetic about it, by this point. I don’t know what to do! I saw my doctor about it, and some of my blood test results were boarderline for PCOS, but she didn’t have any suggestions for managing the weight gain aside from signing up for Weight Watchers.
Stupid body. I feel so powerles. The weight gain wouldn’t bother me that much, except some of my clothes aren’t fitting as well, and I’d just gotten my wardrobe to a point I was happy with. Now there’s a number of skirts I can’t wear, and ugh.
YEP
MrChouffe and I quit smoking on 1/1/14. In an effort to not let the instant metabolic slowdown affect me too badly (I feel as though it is a little-known fact that nicotine is a stupendously effective metabolic stimulant, so when you quit smoking it does a hell of a number on how many calories you burn at rest) I began running; specifically, I trained for a half-marathon.
On 1/1/14 I wore a size 6.
By the time of that half-marathon (5/22/14) I was in a size 8. Okay, that’s fine. I went to the doctor in March 2014 because I was completely perplexed by the weight gain (at that point I’d gained about 10 lbs) and everything checked out fine. Suggestion of more exercise, etc. So I spent last summer training for a marathon, eating well, getting myself in the best shape I’d ever been in, and by October I was a size 12. Went to a different doctor in November and found out that I’d gained THIRTY POUNDS from November 2013 to November 2014. Again, all my blood work came back normal.
At New Year’s I almost completely cut out added sugar, cut my drinking by a LOT, ate steamed vegetables and hummus for lunch every day for three months, tracked calories, exercised regularly, and nothing happened. Finally I got my new doctor to listen and she prescribed a medication to try to help, and readers, it is WORKING. I started it in late March and spent three weeks getting up to full dosage, which I’ve been on now for five weeks, and in that five weeks I have lost just about five pounds. It’s really quite remarkable. At this point I’m eating more or less normally and have noticed the following as “side effects” of the meds:
1. I get hung over on MUCH MUCH less alcohol than it used to take
2. I get full at meals significantly faster than I used to
3. The combination of these two things mean that I’m drinking a lot less AND eating a lot less
As part of the medication regimen, I am also part of a program called ScaleDown. The program provides you with a wifi-enabled scale that TEXTS YOU when you weigh in, which you’re supposed to do daily (my doc was very understanding that this could be a HUGE HUGE trigger and has told me to do it with whatever frequency I’m most comfortable with, and I’m okay with daily), and lets you know if you’re down or up from the previous weigh-in and keeps a little chart. It’s really fascinating, and for me it’s been very helpful. The medication itself is breathtakingly expensive, but the manufacturer has a little self-insurance program since most RX programs won’t cover it, and it’s more or less affordable with the discount.
I am still a good 20 lbs from where I want to be, but the little progresses are nice, and I would really recommend that if you are having problems losing to check with your doc about your options. This medication will REALLY REALLY not be suitable for everyone, as one of its ingredients is Wellbutrin, but it is working for me and could certainly be of help to others.
This week has been all kinds of stressful. I’ve been house/pet-sitting for my mom while most of my family is on vacation in Hawaii. I made a wedding cake (and almost had a panic attack during delivery! had to pull over and breathe) Any my work situation isn’t getting better. Yesterday my boss complained to me for a while (not sure how long, wasn’t totally paying attention, was replying to work email) about how many hours he works, as though to rationalize the shit wages I get. I got an interview with a company that I didn’t research enough before applying (international arms manufacture is not an industry I want to be involved in) but that’s the only interview I’ve gotten in about a month. In good news, the money from the cake will pay the rest of my rent next month, but I don’t know what I’m going to do about July or the dental work I’ve been putting off.
In good news, the cake turned out and arrived in one piece!
It was really bright in the reception room and my phone didn’t want to take a good picture
This is a side view, but shows the colors better
Your cake is GORGEOUS, I love the flowers, I love the colors, I wish to nom it. You did a beautiful job!
Looks amazing! Congrats on your amazing baking (and safe delivery)!!
wow, that is gorgeous! what kind of cake is it?
The top is lemon with blackberry buttercream, the middle is red velvet/cream cheese, and the bottom was chocolate fudge cake with whipped caramel ganache. I frosted the whole thing with vanilla buttercream.
I used to do this professionally, but it’s been 3 years since I’ve done tiered cakes, and I’d never done one outside of a professional bakery. Luckily my mom has an extra fridge in her garage that was empty enough to put the cake in. (I made it at her house, which has a kitchen almost as large as my apartment, and a dishwasher!)
I would like six, please, delivered this afternoon, and I would like to eat them all myself.
Jokes aside, this is gorgeous!
That sounds amazing, as well as being gorgeous.
I think we’ve all regretted job applications with companies we might have avoided with a little more research. But who has time?
I ended up in an interview that was going very well, back in the 90s, when I suddenly realized, while the (retired) general was talking with me: These Are Bad People. They want me because I once possessed a high security clearance. They do black ops. They want someone in this open position to help them hide their likely illegal activities. Holy Shit I Have To Get Out Of Here!
I thanked them for their time and never responded to them again. I learned later, after they were in the news, that this was the group that became Blackwater. I still shiver at the thought.
So it could be worse, is what I’m saying. I’m sorry you’re struggling. Though I am impressed with your ability to recognize and act on the need to stop and breathe. I need more of that skill.
And your cakes are amazing! If your petsitting includes dogs, go get some snuggles. Canine therapy is very effective.
The petsitting involves my mom’s neurotic poodle mix and an obnoxious fat cat that howls in the night. They’re both so loud and poorly trained, it really made me appreciate my Tiny Dog and the perfect way she fits into my life (even though we’ve only been together a few months)
The one super-great thing about my current job is that I get to bring her with me (YAY for GAD diagnosis?) so she’s sleeping behind me on my chair. And I get to go home tomorrow, which will help me feel better.
Arms manufacturer by day, cake boss by night…this movie writes itself.
So beautiful! Wow, amazing work.
Weekends at this point are just days where there’s even more times to revise so no parties planned.. though I AM going to finally be studying a subject that I just sort of slagged off on all year so I guess that’s more interesting than just rehashing what I already know? idk whish me luck toasties (exams in 4 weeks)
I teach English in Russia right now. A month ago, I accepted a position teaching in Bratislava, for various reasons. And now, I’ve gotten an email from the woman hiring me in Bratislava saying that she’s leaving the school at the end of June and doesn’t know if the new director will want to hire me full time and deal with the visa application that I’ll need as an American. She recommends I look for another school. I have no idea what to do. I think I could probably stay in my current job. I told them I was leaving a month ago but they wanted me to stay and would probably keep me if I asked. But they’re looking for someone new (for September, when I was supposed to leave), so if I’m going to stay I need to talk to them very soon. And I’m not looking forward to staying in Russia for another year. That was my plan originally if I didn’t find a new job, but now I’ve been thinking about leaving for two months and it’s what I want to do.
But finding another job as an American who needs a visa in Europe will be very difficult, and I don’t really have the money to leave this job without another one. And I’m not ready to go back to the US yet. So my options are a) stay another year in Russia in my boring city, b) leave this job without another one lined up and hope to find something new before my money runs out/I have to leave the continent, c) go back to the US, where I also don’t have a job, but at least don’t need a visa. None of these are appealing options. I’ll probably go with A though, because that way I’ve got a job and a visa for another year. I’ll just have to be bored and try to save all of my money for next year so that I can take more risks and travel more then.
I’m also hopefully going to be meeting up with my Scotsman in two weeks in Budapest. But he just finished uni and there is a possibility that he’ll have to go home (he’s traveling for a month or so) for a job interview at some point, and I’m very worried that it’ll end up being when we’re supposed to meet up. But I think even if he does have to go for an interview and I can’t see him,I’ll still go to Budapest. I have friends there and I think I need a vacation. A vacation and a job.
That sucks! I’m sorry this new opportunity has fallen through. I will cross my fingers for a miracle for you.
Are you willing to try other countries? Pardon my ignorance, but is Russia in the Schengen zone? If it is not, and I can only speak from experience in Germany, but if it is not, you can enter Germany on a 3 month (90 day) “tourist visa” (there’s not actually anything to apply for) and look for jobs teaching English. It’s also closer to Scotland..which I’m going to go out on a limb and guess you maybe want to be nearer to??
I’d be willing to go to most other European countries, but the problem is that it’ll be much harder for me to find a job there. Since Russia isn’t in the EU, I’m on equal footing with people from the UK here, but in the rest of Europe I’m at a serious disadvantage. If I had more money saved I might risk it and just leave here in September whether I have a job or not, but right now I won’t have the money to live for three months without a job. The plan is shaping up to be that I’ll stay here until next June (with a higher salary) and just save everything I can so that next summer I can leave and travel and maybe take more risks with trying to find a job than I can right now. It’s pretty unexciting, but better than the alternative of not staying, not finding a new job, running out of money, and moving into my parents’ basement in Michigan.
Yeah, you won’t find a contract job (again personal reference point is Germany) here, and would have to have a couple of job offers in order to have a successful freelance visa application. It is not impossible, though! It sounds like the much more reasonable choice to wait and save up the money. I went through all of my savings while going through the visa process which went on much longer than it needed to because of a disagreeable case worker. He didn’t find it appropriate that I should live with my boyfriend (now husband) before being married. He had a big old picture of Jesus on his desk.
I’m going to visit my grandma, who’s 104. There are unlikely to be a lot more visits to grandma, given her age, so I’m making this one count.
try and get her to tell you stories! maybe record them!
We have a lot recorded already, fortunately! She has a friend she knows from when he used to be her hospice visitor (long story, but she’s been kicked out of hospice three times… for not dying) who has really taken charge of it. He’ll root around in photo albums and ask her about people and places and record her answers. She’s still pretty sharp but her stories tend to be non-linear and always end up with some griping about my grandpa (who she had the good sense to divorce) so you need some kind of visual aide or something to redirect her pretty often.
I was just gonna say that – take a recording. I have a CD of a recording my family made in the 1960s and I cherish it. Being able to hear someone’s laugh just one more time is truly one of the blessings of our modern age.
You are so smart. Treasure what you have. I hope it’s a lovely visit.
New life goal: Get kicked out of hospice for not dying.
Your grandma sounds awesome.
So I brought home a bunch of records from my parents’ house a couple weekends ago, and I found this sweet vintage Simon & Garfunkel poster in Bookends:
What treasures have you found digging around your parents’/grandparent’s/other family members’ houses?
That is amazing! I am a big Simon & Garfunkel fangirl!
My best treasure is a typewriter from my grandparents’ house when they were preparing to move. Typing on it is kind of a pain (it’s not electric) but it’s so enjoyable. I feel the same way about old film cameras and my clunky, noisy 70’s bike I bought at a garage sale. They’re not the most convenient things to use, but the tactile/auditory experience makes me feel more connected to using them.
Older generations were poor and didn’t have much to pass down, and my own parents have made a couple of big moves over the course of their lives so have pared down quite a bit – so there’s not that much by way of treasures (which I think is equal parts blessing and curse). But I did, a few years ago, find a rug-hooked wall-hanging of a German Shepard on black velvet that my grandmother had made in the 70’s or 80’s. My mom has always had Grandma’s black velvet peacock hanging in the house but I didn’t know we had any other pieces until I stumbled across the dog. Ma let me take it, but I don’t have it hanging because I have to get it stretched and framed and when I priced that it was way too much $$$ for me but I think I need to suck it up and do it soon.
I’m hosting a boardgame night tonight and then on Sunday I’m getting together with friends for our international dinner potluck. There will be so much delicious food!
Toast!! How to deal when someone gives you a lecture on how you’re DOIN LIFE RONG and then tells you you have an attitude problem when you refer to said interaction as a lecture? To be clear, I am not a child and the other person is not my parent, so it’s at the very least inappropriate, but I’m still affected by it because of Reasons.
Do you have to interact with this person for any reason? Because, honestly, I’d mutter something like “thanks for your input” once some kinda lecture started and scuttle right on out.
How to deal when someone gives you a lecture on how you’re DOIN LIFE RONG
Yeah, seriously, unless they KEEP ON with the lecturing, I would continue to quietly ignore it.
you could MAYBE apologize for being ~defensive when approached with unsolicited advice (so an apology, but with a heaping pile of hints towards “this was not helpful and not appreciated”)
but in terms of the lecture itself, noooope. if they continue trying to “help”, I would maybe ask- in whatever register of polite facade/diplomacy is comfortable- why it matters so much to them if it doesn’t affect them, and just keep asking that in various ways until they (hopefully) stop.
I think a thrown martini is a solid response, if you happen to have one available.
If you happen to have two available.
Ugh. I don’t know how to deal with this apart from walking away in the middle of it.
We had a speaker in church last week start his talk by saying it was going to be about families. I immediately told my friend I might have to leave. When he got to talking about “we need to make family a priority, it’s important” I walked out. I do think it’s important for me. To be a wife and mother is the thing I want most in the world. I’ve been trying. It hasn’t happened. Don’t tell me I’m doing life wrong. Take your man bun and get out. The rest of the meeting was fabulous and no one else made me feel like a failure.
Questions are your friends. “Why are you concerned about my private choices?” “How much longer do you need to talk?” “Is this helping you somehow?” Questions force them to think. And a snotty question creates a pause while they feel off-balance. A pause you can use to walk away, leaving them with something to think about.
I am sorry you have to endure this shitty behavior. It is rude and unkind. You deserve better. So much better.
Thank you, that’s so kind. The wider situation is insanely complicated but I’m pretty sure my instinctual feeling that I don’t deserve to be lectured is correct.
Mostly, I say “This is not a conversation I’m willing to have, MOM.”
But tbh, that’s because it’s been easier to set that boundary with her than with other people who push my boundaries. I have one loved one in particular for whom I’ve been rehearsing what I’ll say when I see her next, because she so routinely makes superficially gentle, sweeping assessments of my life that I didn’t even notice how much I resent it until I realized I was avoiding her entirely.
So I am braced with a variety of phrases for this first push-back, including “I love you, but I am not interested in this advice” and “I know you mean well, but this is not helpful” and “Unless I ask for advice, I don’t want it” and “I’m not having this conversation” and “You might want to think about why this is so important to you.”
With another loved one, one with whom my relationship is a little more fragile and mercurial, in part because it’s mediated through my husband, I tend to brush off the advice rather than repudiating it outright, using phrases like “Don’t worry about that!” and “That’s not your problem, let me take care of all that” or “That’s not something you need to concern yourself with.” It’s not a great longterm solution, but it does make those subjects conversational dead-ends, so I’m hoping the cumulative effect encourage her to seek other subjects.
Mostly, I don’t characterize their input, either as a lecture or as anything, because I don’t care what they’re doing or why, only that they respect my requests to stop, even if it takes quite a few reinforcing conversations to set that new habit. “Setting boundaries” is an apt phrase because not only do you have to map ’em out, you also have to patrol and defend your boundaries; people will forget they’re there and try to tromp over ’em.
Hearing about your experiences and how you handle them is really helpful, thanks so much
Thank you everyone for your stories and advice, and some seriously excellent GIFs . Y’all have really helped. <3
Toast, last night my lady was standing at the bar waiting on her drinks, and told off a couple of reeeeaaally drunk white dudes who were using the N-word. I am so proud of her, and did nothing other than stand between them (because that’s where I naturally feel I should be when there are threatening men near my lady), and then call them dicks.
She’s so cool, and I think everyone should know.
YES this is how I felt after I knew we weren’t going to have to fight these men.
AW HELL YEAH SHE DID
I am looking forward to cleaning out my basement. Wait, that’s not quite right. I am looking forward to being DONE cleaning out my basement. I would prefer the actual cleaning to be done by a robot, or perhaps myself in some sort of out-of-body experience.
Toasties! I sort-of had a date last week! It wasn’t actually a date, technically, maybe (?) but it was getting together for drinks and food with a person with whom I would like to be better acquainted, so. I’ve been in long-term relationships basically my whole adult life and never really “dated”. It felt strange, but also good! I had fun, he had fun, fun was had. So.
Who else is absurdly late to the concept of going on a date? Please regale me with your stories. And also please let me know how to tell if something is a date and not just two people hanging out.
I was in committed relationships throughout most of my late teens/early-to-mid twenties, so now that I’m nearly thirty and “dating” again I am just…fucking lost. What do we do besides go to dinner or maybe see a movie? I don’t drink, so that limits my options, but I am so confused. If it’s not outright stated that it’s a date, I’m fucking clueless.
🙁
I wish I knew what counts as a date. While Cute Boy and I were still (supposedly?) casual last year, my friends kept telling me, no, you’re actually dating, because you’re doing things together that don’t involve the bedroom.
I’m still not sure they were right, but what do I know?
Right? I feel like there’s this huge gray area. Like if I was on a dating site, that’d be one thing, but what if it’s just… someone you know? I guess by my above standard, technically I’ve been on two dates recently but it was still very not clear what was happening aside from “this is fun”. Which, y’know, is AWESOME and all, but I’d also like to know if I should be wearing my lucky knickers and whatnot.
To further complicate matters, in my group of extended friends, two people getting together for a hang is a pretty common occurrence. Just muddies the waters further.
I went on a sort of date (but the guy is really awkward so nothing happened, I only learned after the fact that that was his low key way of flirting) almost 2 years ago. Before that I was married for 19 years. I’m now 44 . I have no advice, but I am in the same boat, especially since the above happened (was I just clueless and out of practice at picking up signals?) and because the only semi-social thing I do with makeup on is swing dancing, which requires pretty close contact and smiley behavior with total strangers anyway, so how would you know?
DATING! It is weird.
So I end up on accidental dates a lot, and what clues me in is usually things like splitting a bottle of wine vs. individual glasses/beers (not helpful if you don’t drink, but it’s a good indicator), hugs lasting just that beat longer than normal, extra eye contact…that kind of thing. There is usually a point where what I thought was a casual hang out turns into “Ohhhhhh fuck, what have I done?”
As far as coming in late to the dating game – yep, that’s me. I’m a relationship girl, I just am, so this dating thing is weird. I don’t know how to do it! I can’t date more than one person at a time, it weirds me out. I guess I’m the type that has to figure out how I feel about Person A before Person B can even get a chance. I feel like I’m doing dating wrong, but everything else seems exhausting and miserable, so I’ll just keep doing it my way.
Despite the fact that we should really be saving our money for house and wedding and adult stuff… I just found a listing for a refurbished PS4 that was cheaper than any other offer I’ve seen by 50 whole dollars so we pulled the trigger and bought it! Now I just have to wait forever for it to arrive, because regular shipping.
The main reason we wanted to add a PS4 to our Xbox and WiiU family is because of No Man’s Sky, even though there’s no release date for it yet. Here is a New Yorker article about the game which I found fascinating. Because of the vastness and the procedurally generated nature of the game, they have to use workarounds and formulas to even know what’s going on deep within the recesses of their own game. I am really pulling for this game to be everything it’s supposed to be and not another disappointment like Destiny.
I need to get the PS4 for the new Skyrim. My PS3 can’t access it and it has broken my heart.
Was Destiny a disappointment? I shall never know. I couldn’t even get the demo to play without crashing on my xbox 360.
It certainly was for me, although it took a while for it to set in. Bungie promised the world and delivered a game that consisted of a barely-there yet poorly acted and poorly delivered story, pristine controls, and a somewhat addictive leveling up system. I finally got to a point where I realized there wasn’t ever going to be an in-game story expansion that even approached their weird lore trading card system, and that I wasn’t ever going to be able to keep up with leveling up because I didn’t want to koin a fireteam and subject myself to harrassment for Playing While Female. So eventually I just… stopped playing.
Mmmm, I want a PS4 for Fallout 4 and it hasn’t even been announced yet and if Bethesda announces something else at E3, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. Nice score!
I am really hoping for Mass Effect 4 and Fallout 4 announcements. And hoping against hope for a REAL Metroid game. That is not produced by Team Ninja.
I want No Man’s Sky so bad and am praying it comes to PC as I don’t have a PS4.
I’m glad I’m not alone in joint-purchasing a PS4 specifically because of No Man’s Sky. I am so excited about that game.
Toast friends, I have no cat pictures this week, but I have bird pictures! A family of owls has taken up residence on campus and they are the most adorable fluffy balls of barely contained seething rage! I have taken way too many rather fuzzy cell phone pictures of them the last couple of weeks…
I am all in for owl photos, should you wish to add more to this thread.
eeeee!
Ahhhhh sorry owl thread trumps cat thread for me
That is so great! While not as exciting as owls, a trio of Killdeer have apparently adopted my office park as their new (or at least temporary) home. They’ve been here for over a week, scampering all over the grass and the parking lot, and I am delighted. They are basically my babies now and I have to check on them frequently to make sure they are all accounted for.
Killdeer are adorable! They look like they’re wearing little collars all the time.
WOLS
BIRBS
Toasties! Let’s talk about ambitions and dreams.
I find I’m most optimistic about life when I’m constantly planning for the next stage and I love hearing about other people’s stories.
Here’s one modest ambition I have: To live in the city I’ve been dying to move to in over decade with a modestly well paying job, living in a decent apartment with a very vibrant social life. I’ve spent a good part of my 20’s real lonely and I feel I’m sooo close to achieving this ambition.
Less modest ambition: Publish several stories and novels, experiment in various forms of story telling, collaborate with other artists, learn to draw well, manage to improve my Turkish and maybe do some freelance writing about parts of Turkey my family is from and learn all the languages.
Tell me yours!
I also am best when thinking of the next stage, and I fell into a funk earlier this year when I couldn’t articulate what my next stage was and “what am I working for, anyway?!” BUT. But. I realized, I really like what I do and where I do it, and it’s okay that my five year plan is “To be here, and to be doing this job, and to be GREAT at it.” And so that’s my ambition, professionally speaking.
Otherwise, I always have dreams of being better at languages. My ambition generally in life, as a human, is to keep learning about the world and keep trying to be a better person/friend/partner. And try to spend less money. That’s another big ambition right now.
[I also would like to figure out a way to go to the fire academy so after those five years I can actually move up in the organization but….I’m going to let a few other things shake out and do some deeper introspection before seriously pursuing that]
I would love to live abroad, if only for a year or two. My husband’s workplace offers the option of receiving 80% of your salary for four years, and then taking the 5th year off and living off the 4×20% you’ll have accumulated over those four years. I would really like to take advantage of this, but right now he still has some debt to pay off from his wild and carefree grad-student-with-multiple-credit-cards days, so a voluntary salary reduction makes no sense.
I’ve been dying to move back to Montreal since arriving in Ottawa 4 years ago. I guess that’s the more modest ambition of the two.
that is a TERRIFICALLY FUN job benefit to have even as an option!
Right now I’m getting through the long works days and the prospect of living in my shitty apartment for another year by fantasizing about the day when I move back to my hometown (which has insanely low housing prices), buy a historic fixer-upper, and spend all of my free time decorating it to look like an interior design magazine and growing tomatoes in the yard. This is not really a feasible near-future goal for a number of reasons, but it’s what I think about when I make a deposit in my savings account, and I spent a lot of time lately looking at real estate listings.
Less modest ambition– once I’m all settled in my historic home, I will become a beloved fixture in the community and run for some mid-level elected office like state representative.
I love a similar goal to becoming a local mixture. When I’m old, I want a nice house or apartment that is super homey and relaxing and open it up to friends, family, travelers, etc. I’ve had so many generous friends and family open their homes to me that I want to spend a good part of my life doing the same for other wayward souls.
I want to do a good job at the good job I have. I want to be a source of good energy in the world.
I want to have a good, close relationship with my family of origin, my chosen family of friends, and hopefully, someday, a partner and kiddos.
I want to live in a green house with a greenhouse.
I want to figure out what I want! I spent the last couple years feeling paralyzed because I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do next and feeling like my Secret Dreams of my Heart were unattainable because I gave up and didn’t go to art school. So I scaled back and right now am only focusing on small goals: draw five times a week, write in my journal five times a week, in generally indulge the self I was when I was a kid and was 100% authentically myself. Then I’ll let myself see what my bigger dreams are.
I feel you on this.
I gave up drawing in my late teens because I wasn’t good at it and figured it was something innate. I also stopped writing fiction around that time too because I was too focused on making it “good” and stopped having fun.
Making up for lost time now and one of my goals is to be more disciplined with taking the time to write/draw enough that it becomes a habit.
Good luck!
A couple of years ago, my ambition was to get published, as it had been since I was, like, six years old. But I had done nothing ever toward that goal.
So I broke it down smaller: My goal is to write [x] words a day! My goal is to go to a favorite site and seek out the submission policy! My goal is to note the submissions address! My goal is to pitch this story!
And then the goals shifted: My goal is to sign that contract! My goal is to learn how to edit videos and images to supply with the articles! My goal is to deliver this finished work 24 hours before the deadline! My goal is to follow up on my payment!
It ain’t quite a living yet, but late last year, for the first time ever, my writing income covered my rent and household bills with a little to spare. The next month, it happened again. When I fill out forms, under profession, I put writer. I suppose someday that will stop amazing me, but it hasn’t yet.
That is FANTASTIC! I love to hear people living their dreams. CONGRATS!
You are inspiring!
I’m kinda on the same track as you. Right now I’m trying to get writing to be a habit I do every day, then I have far off ambitions for more but I need to conquer the baby steps first.
This whole thread is making me happy!
Profession: writer is a wonderful thing! I remember the first time I got paying music gig I was through the roof. I may not be a professional musician but I occasionally get paid to play and even that buoys my spirits so much.
aaaaa that’s so awesome! It’s so reassuring to hear that no, it really can be done.
I just signed up for scuba diving certification class and Im so excited to go on fun dive trips and make diver friends! The lady who helped me fill out my paperwork does coral reef restoration and I dont think there’s anything that I would love to do more.
I’m also giving myself an art history minor, but buying art history textbooks and going through them very thoroughly. I always wanted to do this in any of the 7 yrs I spent in college, but somehow did not?
Anyway! Oceans + Art = current ambition!
Oooh, you just reminded me that I’ve been wanting to learn scuba for some time. I’m working on getting a better paying job and moving to a city near the ocean.
oooooh let’s have a scuba thread soon!
I’d like a job that pays at least $25k (that’s a 50% raise) so I don’t have to worry so much about my finances. Is that too much to ask?
Not at all!
I’m starting to realize I have a lot of goals because another one is to get involved in income equality activism so the modest ambition of living comfortably will be a given, not an ambition.
Toasties! I have having some issues with my jaw, and I have a question for you:
How do you hold your mouth when you sleep at night, if you sleep on your side? Do your teeth fit together? Is your mouth open? Do you have the problem I do where the pressure of the bed on one side makes your teeth meet up in weird ways that are uncomfortable? Can you relax easily?
Maybe you need a fancier pillow? I am a side sleeper and I don’t have this issue buuuut my teeth don’t actually touch on one side of my jaw anyway because my teeth are all crooked.
NIGHT GUARD solved all my sleep-jaw-pain problems. A fitted/formed one can be prohibitively expensive depending on your dental coverage (I had to pay for mine in full and it was about $300), but I think you can also get generic ones from the drugstore?
I tried one, but it made me gag (everything makes me gag, holding a pen in my teeth makes me gag).
Night guard users- how do you get used to sleeping with them? I have one made by my dentist, but I so fast cannot fall asleep with it on and it drives me nuts. My mouth doesn’t seem to close all the way when its in which obviously doesn’t help things.
Over time you do get used to it. Make sure it’s fitting properly; has your dentist taken a close look at the fit and talked with you about how it feels? It might need adjustments.
Massaging the jaw to make it relax helps. Also, having a thinner pillow somehow helps — or molding the pillow a little so it is thinner where your jaw is, and higher where the back of your head is.
It is amazing how much tension we carry in the jaw! Highly highly recommend learning how to massage it yourself or paying somebody good to do it a few times, then afterwards doing it for yourself. Massaging the place in your cheeks between where the jaws meet is good (if you know what I mean). So is carefully sticking your lower jaw out, and then massaging carefully under the jawbone right under your ear, in all the little spots where it hurts most in the muscle (sorry!). I’m sure there must be videos online.
A side-sleeper, my life improved greatly when I switched to a U-shaped pillow. It’s long enough to reach my ankles. And the bit under my head is narrow enough to leave my jaw almost free. Just the edge of the cushioning barely touching the back of my jaw, near my ear. I tend to shove it under my head in order to leave my chin free.
I clench really hard in my sleep–never during the day–in part because none of my teeth fit together correctly. I try to sleep with my mouth closed but sometimes it falls open, and sometimes that exacerbates the problem. Night guards (I use Grind No More) help a lot, but it’s still a source of pain/annoyance.
I’m certain there will eventually be a celebratory post along the lines of I’m finally done! After the initial sorting of the stones, I spent a solid 1.5 hours gluing and got as far as the first 6th of one shoe, so… yeah.
I didn’t do any SUPER INVOLVED FRIVOLOUS GARMENT project for my wedding, and I occasionally have fleeting regrets. C’mon, if you can’t spend hours upon hours handcrafting gradient-rhinestone shoes for your wedding, when can you*?
*Real answer: anytime you want! It just feels a smidge more meaningful for your wedding, is all.
I am also re-working my mother’s veil, which is going to involve taking apart her ridiculous 70’s headpiece, then shortening and hand beading the veil itself. So, uh… yeah. I’m basically using all my sewing/beading skills acquired over a lifetime of figure skating and dance, both because I can, and because it will mean a lot to me in the end. But no way would I be trying any of this if I didn’t already have those skills!
I plan to do exactly zero handicrafts for mine, but that is ENTIRELY because I am terrible at them and my wedding is not a place I want to do trial runs.
Go, you! Not piling Stuff I Am Bad At on top of any major social event is both good self-care and just plain sensible.
Post here if you want to talk about the Sanders’ campaign’s infuriating response to the shitheap article he published in 1972!
Background reading here: http://www.shakesville.com/2015/05/on-bernie-sand…
Did anyone else have trouble following? While the misogyny and general grossness come through loud and clear, that’s about it.
Yeah pretty much all I’m getting here, besides general grossness, is “1972 Bernie liked drinking cough syrup recreationally”?
I think the issue was less with the piece (though it was a pretty huge misfire) than with Sanders not responding directly to concerns about it and instead having a campaign spokesperson say, basically, “It was supposed to be funny.” If he’d spoken up himself it could have been a chance to connect with women by taking responsibility for something many of them found super offensive; instead it’s a matter of our not getting the “joke,” which is not what one hopes to hear from their would-be President. 😛
Especially because women trauma survivors hear it all the time. My issue is with the piece though. Because it’s downright horrible. Even in snippets. I wouldn’t consider it something that it would be possible to make an apology for, so the quality of the apology is for me a moot point.
He could knock on my door to apologize, and I’d open the door just for the giggle of slamming it in his face. It was such a gross premise for a piece, and I’d go back and pull out choice quotes, but that honestly would be triggering. So I’m just going to leave it at: he could have made the most eloquent apology in history and he still would not have my vote, or the vote of any of my loved ones.
No, I hear you–rancid bathwater, toxic baby. I was just trying to sum up the comments on the linked piece, many of which emphasized that the failure to take responsibility was a larger affront than the story itself. There’s room for discussion about the piece itself, but your take is entirely valid.
Absolutely, I think that definitely has been the context of the story so far. But I think that framing has some implied pressure to forgive and forget, which I’m personally going to reject. I didn’t mean to be too emphatic or cast aspersions on anyone else’s take. Just me personally, this is where I draw the line, and champagne and roses wouldn’t get me back.
Edit: I have strong feelings so I might not be expressing myself well, but what I mean to say is that I agree with what you said.
Wow, as someone who has experienced assault, I could not even finish reading that, but honestly I hope he rots in hell or that Furiosa pulls his bottom jaw off. At the very least, I will loose respect for anyone who would support that piece of trash in the primaries.
I’m so sorry. I should have put a content note on the link. I hope you are ok.
No worries, part of ye olde process for me has been being more open about my experience and engaging at the level I find comfortable, which for me was: start to read … oh shit (@_@) skim a few words, suspicions confirmed, he’s an asshole, scroll quickly down to the point where the shakesville person righteously excoriates him, which gave me a bit of pleasure.
Then I made a promise to never vote for that slime, no one else in my very progressive family will either, because my grandmother would haunt the hell out of anyone for even considering it. I am fairly active in the grassroots politics scene here too, and it will give me pleasure to torpedo this sleezy excuse for a person. I’ve been politely ignoring the Sanders crowd around here, but I will be reaching out to a few of the organizers that I trust to share this.
So all in all, better to know than to not know. He has no place being in a position of power. I do honestly feel sad for everyone who works for him. It must be a kick in the gut.
I live in Vermont. Bernie Sanders is nigh close to god in certain quarters. And even though stuff like that pops up the certain quarters will not give a rat’s ass and continue their support. It’s aggravating at times. So. Aggravating.
Yes, it truly drives me crazy that people will say with complete sincerity that clear, obvious, dripping misogyny is irrelevant compared to the “bigger picture” and this “bigger picture” is never respect for women, despite the fact that women are half of the potential constituency, and casual misogyny like that evidenced in this article was what made 1970s office life such a hellscape for our mothers and grandmothers. Plus, sexual violence itself, which is obviously still a pretty big issue.
It just makes me sad for all his staffers, who are now backed into a corner of being apologists for something obviously inexcusable. And the best he gave them to run with was the weakest apology since the Jeremy Renner faux-pology embarrassment.
I almost feel like the response was worse? Like, he had this opportunity to actually apologize and make amends and instead decided it’d be cool to re-victimize women?
Totally, besides which, even if “things were different” then, well yes that’s the whole point. They were different because this kind of misogyny got open play in outlets from Playboy to everywhere. Men could say vile things with very little fear of any backlash because women were so thoroughly cut out from positions of power and they had so very little access to media to fight back. AND YET people were fighting back, and there was a feminist movement that was calling out this kind of bullshit like champions. And they faced just this kind of ridicule. So if you were there in that moment, and chose the side of oppression and belittlement of women. Well, what does that say? Nothing good about your character.
Oh, shitfuck.
Haha, that covers it in a nutshell.
I’ve been spinning my wheels about how to express how mad this makes me, but I feel like this nails it.
Damn, damn, damn. I’ve been Bernie-Sanders-supporter-adjacent for a while & was planning on going to see him in Mpls this weekend. I didn’t have many opinions besides “well he voted against Hillary in the things that I disagreed with her about so that’s cool” but–ugh. The fauxpology is terrible. Maybe there will be another real-er apology soon? I didn’t know the context when it was brought up on MPR earlier today but they did NOT make it sound as bad as it was; his nonpology was less notable in that context. hurgh
But even if there is a real-er apology, would that change the fact that he was out there actively contributing to a toxic environment for women? He wasn’t some misguided youth when he wrote that. He was an adult, benefiting from the patriarchy and perpetuating it. I’m sure that there’s a speech writer out there tasked with writing the silver bullet apology to kill this story, and I honestly feel bad for him or her. Because it’s disappointing. And gross. Asking women to once again sweep a little casual (from the perspective of the perpetrator) misogyny under the rug is just … well, I don’t know. I just don’t have any room left under that rug.
Yes, and I agree, but also think it’s important for people to have room to grow and change and become better–and 1972 was a long-ass time ago. I mean, I think you’re absolutely right to say “nope!” but apparently I still have room under that rug.
Sigh.
Totally fine, we all have different thresholds for what we can forgive, but I’m going to hold out for every woman in 1971 who wanted a place at the political table, but was shut out by some chauvinist like Bernie Sanders. And for myself, obviously. To be real, I’m staying home on election day if Sanders makes it through the primary. And I don’t miss elections. Not for city council. Not for the school board. Not for anything.
There’s a Tibetan monk creating a sand mandala in the rotunda of my workplace. It’s made the week a bit less stressful.
DO YOU WORK IN HOUSE OF CARDS
Beat me to it.
Tell me your dealbreakers! For dating! Or for friendship! What are your telltale signs that you don’t want to spend time with a person? (I’ve been putting some thought into this as I try to learn from past mistakes and correct my tendency to listen to the voice in my head that tells me to stop being so judgement.)
Among mine are: Anyone who calls themselves an asshole. Anyone who calls me too sensitive. People who raise their voices when angry.
People who describe themselves as “quirky”.
Adults who will not apologize to children.
ohhh that asshole one, I wish I’d learned that a long time ago! Always & forever, though, intense or quickly escalating stuff like “we are totally dating now, right?” or “you’re one of my best friends!” or “I’m gonna text you all the time just to ask what’s up.” Noooooo stop my timeline is slower than yours :O
I see you’ve dated my ex!
shout out to my fiance for being “this guy I’m kinda seeing” for…like…6 months? and not demanding anything more <3
Proudly contrarian; I’ll tolerate it a little in friendships but not in relationships.
For me, lately, they have been:
+ being too pushy with PDA
+ being rude about the fact that I’m a non-drinker and/or trying to get me to drink
+ being rude about children (I don’t have any, but I would like them someday, and this is something that I don’t think I can compromise on, but that’s just for me, you do you)
– Mean or dismissive to service staff
– is dismissive of hobbies they don’t share (I used to have ‘doesn’t read’ but then I figured out what bothered me was people who hated that I read a lot and would be rude about it)
– Any – and I mean *any* casually nasty comment about a woman’s looks or outfit. Doubled if they make it while dressed appallingly/not exactly being a supermodel themselves.
– Bears womans appearance fallacy 1: Women should be slim, beautiful and impeccably made up; but exercising, dieting and make-up is frivolous and silly.
– talks over me, challenges all my opinions even in subjects where I am an expert.
Oh, that second one entirely. My most recent ex could not wrap his head around the things I liked to do and refused to attempt to understand them, but if I didn’t want to do something he liked it was A TRAGEDY and I would never hear the end of it until I relented.
He was not a good person.
The service staff thing has always been big, and then I worked as a hotel receptionist and my friends were all bartenders…yeah, that skyrocketed to the top of my list. Not just how they interact, but how well they read the situation and know what’s appropriate and what’s not. Snap your fingers or wave money in the air, and you will turn around and find me GONE. Wait patiently, be friendly, order properly, and don’t get something crazy complicated when the bar is slammed? Hello, yes, you CAN have my phone number.
May I say, I do have friends that do some of these (and think I’ve been bad about a couple in the past), but if a friend’s willing to listen to criticism on a point I think that counts for something. So if I point it out and they’re like “good point, I’ll try to be more aware of that in the future,” that means we all just care about being better and that’s part of a good friendship 🙂
Um, also the “talks over people” thing is something I know I do while drunk but don’t always realize it until the next day once sober again <feeling shameful over here>
I should have clarified that most of these are more red flags for me, though if they keep repeating these behaviours in a short time frame and are resistant to being called out, we will not be friends or lovers.
But then, some of my traits have turned up on other people’s lists, and that’s fine.
And I talk over people a LOT so it is definitely hypocritical to have that on my list, for sure – but it irritates me so much when specifically men refuse to let me get a word in edgeways.
In friendships, people who don’t listen/constantly turn the conversation back to themselves. I’ll still care and hang out with them but only in small doses. I guess that’s not really a dealbreaker then–more of a “we’ll hang out but I will never consider you a good friend.”
Yes. And people who de-prioritize me but hang out only when they need some feelings!time and a sympathetic ear but exhibit no apparent interest in that going the other way.
People who pressure me to remove body hair. (The “do you think women have an obligation to shave their legs?” question on okc has helped me filter out many an asshole.)
People who get angry easily and yell when they get angry. My personal makeup makes me ill-equipped to deal with tempers.
There is a guy who floats by on tinder every once in awhile whose entire bio is “I’m a nice guy, just don’t piss me off!” and that is a gigantic NOPE for me.
People who need lots of reassurance (I’m sorry, I know it’s a human need but setting up this dynamic will pretty much guarantee that I will get so irritated that I will get cold and distant and make it worse.)
Oh my gosh, yes, yelling freaks me out so much. Even if it’s not directed at me, but ESPECIALLY when it’s directed at me.
The asshole thing as mentioned above — as well as people who say things like “I’m just HONEST” and “I just say what I’m thinking.” (They are usually the same people, to be fair.)
People who view my other friendships as competition.
I have a note on my OKC answer to that question that I will keep my legs shaved at all times if you promise to keep your left ear painted green at all times. “Sorry, that’s just my preference.”
Oh, I like this a lot.
Amazing. Stealing it.
Apart from the big non-negotiable ‘they must be kind-hearted and considerate’, I couldn’t respect a partner who believed in various pseudoscientific claptrap. Though I have friends who are Conservatives, I think a long-term relationship with one would completely stress me out. Also I find it unattractive.
Anyone with a long, repetitive list of estranged relationships / broken friendships. I guess it’s the ‘talking about crazy exes” rule but to cover a wider range of relationships. I finally realized that, no matter what, I will end up in that list someday, too.
Want me to go camping. That is seriously an issue where I live. EVERY guy I meet IRL or online has “outdoorsy” as a requirement for dating (I haven’t been on a date in years). I have allergies and asthma, and I hate dirt and bugs. I don’t want to go camping. I wouldn’t require a guy I date to have the same hobbies as me, why would he expect it?
The camping thing is funny, everyone has it in their dating profile but who knows if that means “I go camping like twice a year” or “No, seriously, I like camping and will do it weekly and plan huge backpacking trips and I refuse to stay in a hotel while traveling when the outdoors is RIGHT THERE.” I’m in the first category and it would be totally fine if I had to go get eaten by insects sans partner.
And I suspect “why won’t you go cammmmpinnnnng?” secretly means “why are you so prissy/girly?” so big red flag anyway. >:(
I am the GIRLIEST! I majored in home ec. I sew and make jam on the weekends. I do full makeup with cat eye EVERY day (unless I’m sick) I highlight my hair. I do weekly home manicures. My dog is the tiniest in the world.
But, I hate romcoms, love action movies, read really dark Nordic mysteries, and (in my head, when the depression has me) curse like a sailor.
I am a walking contradiction. I need to find someone that’s ok with that, but I don’t know how.
You sound super fun and awesome to be around! A person as awesome as you must be putting out positive vibes for juuuust the right person to respond to them.
I like camping, but I think it’s mostly because I REALLY like hot dogs.
Oh, for real. A person (a dude, let’s be honest) will make a big deal about you joining in on their hobbies and then make no effort to join in on your. Like, no, I’m not expecting a dude to have a quilting bee with me (although that would be awesome) but if I’m making a baby quilt for your (our) friends and you refuse to offer any kind of input or opinion you can eat a dick.
Oh god, men who take pride in being totally apathetic to aesthetic issues is one of my biggest pet peeves. Like when you say “do you like this color?” or something and the dude is all “LOLOLOL I’M NOT A GIRL SO I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.” Fuck you. I spent good money to go to (okay, drop out of) art school and I take great pleasure in seeing things, judging colors, noticing shapes. You don’t have to care but don’t act like I’m a dumb little girl just because I do.
There are some downsides to dating a super idealistic artist (MONEY LOL), but it is pretty great to live with someone who will not only happily answer infinite questions about aesthetics but will also help you understand WHY you love or hate certain color combinations/patterns/instagram filters/clothing shapes.
At least, it is great for me, a person with the visual intelligence of a small child.
I’m the flip side of that, though I doubt that any of the men you are talking about would be interested in me, either, because ‘outdoorsy’ is often a code word for woman who looks like she stepped out of a catalog shoot when she steps out of the tent in the morning, yet is willing to go along with the Man Pal camping trips.
I don’t expect a guy to have *all* of the same hobbies that I do, but camping/hiking is going to be a must. It is a big enough part of my life that if my partner does not come along, we will not spend many weekends or vacations together.
The camping thing has definitely been a dealbreaker in a few of my relationships. I went on a three day canoe trip with a guy–a triangle trip on a lake, one day across the lake to a camping spot, next day to another, and third day back to start. By the end of the first day I wanted to hit him over the head with the paddle; by the end of the third day I was mentally vowing to never see him again. We actually stayed friends for a few years, until he accused me of ‘friendzoning’ him because of his physical looks. No. I believe I told you that I was tired of your whining and complaining whenever we did an activity, including ones you set up, dude.
So that’s probably not much help for your situation, but if I were to join a dating site, camping would definitely be a big issue.
“Politically incorrect”
“Equal opportunity offender”
“Rational”
My upper lip involuntarily curled into a sneer when I read that list.
I literally shuddered.
“So rational that I spend all my time pounding out screeds online with multiple all caps words about how rational I am.”
Seriously, I’m at the point where if anyone describes themselves as “rational” I just automatically assume they are some kind of dipshit libertarian fedora shitheap and I just skip it all entirely.
Oh, I just remembered another one.
This one is purely personal and only applies to relationships, but anyone who identifies as a nerd or geek is someone I’m very cautious with due to past experiences. Now I like geeky stuff, but I met way too many men (usually) who define themselves through their love of their hobbies and get very snobby about it.
Basing your entire identity around the media you consume is SUCH a recipe for disaster.
My most recent ex would work himself close to tears (not an exaggeration) because I didn’t listen to the same kind of music as he did.
D:
I am simultaneously more and less sympathetic to this problem than I might be otherwise because it was a huge problem for me when I was in middle and high school and first developing really strong tastes about stuff like books and movies and music. So on the one hand I’m like, yeah, I’ve been there and life is hard when you have that worldview, but on the other hand I’m like I GOT OVER THIS WHEN I WAS LIKE 17 SO WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM YOU DILLWEED????
I think that’s pretty normal for teenagers?? And I think getting over it is also super normal. We were all assholes as teenagers but most of us improve.
I like the “why do you call yourself a nerd/geek?” conversation, for learning whether someone’s an insufferable hobby-pusher but also for funsies. I am emphatically a nerd but not a geek. But everyone who self-defines that way has a different take on the terms!
I agree, although I tend to find women who identify as nerds/geeks more (platonically) appealing, as long it’s not like, “I’m a REAL nerd, not one of those fake geek girls!” But men whose primary identity is nerd/geek tend to be very gate-keepy and rigid about what’s “okay” to like and what’s not and I do not have time for that.
I never met a geeky girl who pulled a “I’m not like the other girls!” thing. We mostly bond over silly tumblr posts and come up with ridiculous movie plots.
Totally! Because it’s so much less accepted for women to be open, unembarrassed nerds that the vast majority are just excited to find more of us.
Kindness. Does s/he show me kindness? How about third parties (their own parents, current wait staff, children, pets)? And are they able to be kind to themselves? Forgive themselves? Admit mistakes and make them right?
Ooh, yeah, being rude to wait staff and other service providers is a HUGE red flag.
Anyone who gets all weird about my being a vegetarian– “but you eat x/y/z, don’t you think that’s hypocritical? What would you do if I put meat in a dish and you didn’t know about it?” is a guaranteed jackass.
Okay I have more:
People who expect immediate answers to texts/fb messages. One time I had someone point out the timestamp on the “seen by” notification on a facebook message and it irritated me so much.
People who want to drop by my apartment for social times. Nope! Schedule something with me in advance please! Even a “hey I’m in your neighbourhood, can I stop by in 10 minutes” will be more well-received than just ringing my buzzer, which I only answer if I’m expecting someone.
The entire concept of someone “dropping by” gives me such terrible anxiety. I had a friend once who clearly came from a community of people that were much more open and relaxed about that kind of thing and it was really a sticking point. He also one time asked to use my shower because he rode his bike to meet us to go to a thing and was all sweaty and oh god I’m getting all prickly just thinking about him. I only put up with him because his wife was a total mensch. They moved away, sadly/happily.
Online profile keywords that instantly cause me to skip by include:
“professional”
“college-educated”
“well-traveled”
“fit”
Anyone who lists how much they go to the gym as if that’s the most interesting thing about them, ughhhhh.
I think of working out as a tedious chore, but one that’s necessary to my health & happiness, so I’m picturing a dating profile that’s all “I love going to the grocery store & shopping for food! I’m there like 5 days a week!” Profile picture is a selfie next to the bell peppers. “Don’t even bother messaging me if you’re not into grocery shopping! I’m looking for someone who will check expiration dates for me and likes spending time in the canned goods aisle.”
If I were being honest, that would probably be my profile. I love grocery shopping an unreasonable amount. There are some hidden gems in the canned food aisle.
So…my online dating profile totally mentioned that I was having a torrid love affair with one of the local supermarkets (which I was, and still am, frankly). My husband tells me it was one of the reasons he messaged me.
You’re not the only one, is what I’m saying here.
Precisely.
Since working out IS something that takes a significant free time commitment, and also isn’t something that all people do regularly, I sometimes feel like I should put it under the hobbies section. You know, to give an idea of how I spend my time!
But, I am sure to put the disclaimer as such: “exercise (out of necessity, not pleasure).”
I also gauge how people treat service employees and/or random strangers in public. If you are rude to a server, we cannot date or be friends.
This is so subjective, but if I find myself feeling the need to apologize to keep the peace, that’s it for me. We can’t date or be friends. It’s very, very subjective, but I have dated people and realized I was starting to apologize for so many things that I shouldn’t (having feelings, for example), and so I knew it had to end.
I can’t be around people who make racist or sexist jokes and then tell me, “It’s just a joke!” when I get pissed.
Doesn’t think my cat is the best.
For sex friends: No double standards. No “I want you to swallow but then brush your teeth before kissing me.” No “I want to do xxx stuff to you but won’t consider letting you do xxx to me.”
Yes, there is question on okc re: kissing after oral sex and it is very illuminating.
I ended a date once when he was curt with the staff. I think I’ve described this before at some length, but the shorter version is:
It was a set-up I wasn’t keen on, I met him at a coffee house where I was a regular, while we were talking he turned his head toward the counter and snapped his fingers for a refill (never mind that this was obviously a self-serve coffee house, not a café), and by the time he turned back, I was standing up, pulling on my gloves, and saying “I have to go” because if I said anything else, I was going to SCREAM AT HIM.
Aside from the general rudeness of that gesture, DUDE, I WORK A SERVICE JOB, WOULD YOU SNAP YOUR FUCKIN’ FINGERS AT ME TOO? OF COURSE YOU WOULD.
I returned the next day to apologize to the baristas.
The refusal to change when called on doing something hurtful.
Being inconsiderate to service staff (not even rude – you get points off if you do things like order a Guinness last or order something super complicated when the bar is slammed).
Being a bad tipper.
People who aren’t active – I don’t care what you do, but I climb and hike and kayak and do yoga and sometimes play team sports, I want you to be able/willing to keep up.
Crossfit. I can handle it in friends to a degree, but I cannot cannot cannot date somebody who is super into it. See also: paleo.
People who are too wealthy/attractive. How horrible is that? I just feel like I can’t relate to them, and I don’t trust really insanely attractive dudes. Sorry, I just can’t do it. (They’re usually terrible in bed, too, so there’s that.)
“People who are too wealthy/attractive. How horrible is that? I just feel like I can’t relate to them, and I don’t trust really insanely attractive dudes. ”
SOOOOOOOO TRUE. I’m sure it says a lot about my own issues/hangups, but RELATE is the core-word here.
“All my exes were crazy”.
Also, putting ketchup on a hot dog.
but … but … ketchup is delicious????
Haven’t read the whole thread, but over time I’ve realized mine boil down to:
1) Is pretentious. Not confident, because in general women I know should ramp that trait up, but snobby about knowledge/preferences, which is different.
2) Doesn’t value spending time with me – not all the time or anything (see #3), but only interested in 2-sided friendships.
3) Doesn’t get that I’m an introvert and “having plans” sometimes means “staying in to cook and watch tv/a movie/read a book” and that those plans are required several times a week for my sanity.
Dealbreaker: rude/aggressive driving. Was in a car recently with someone who honked at pedestrians in a crosswalk who were crossing legally, and I was like “welp, that’s all I need to know.”
Anyone who doubts your ability to do something. If you tell someone you want to write a novel/travel abroad/get a new job/etc, and their first response is “that’s really hard, you can’t do it,” I don’t want to be friends with them.
I don’t own a car and have never wanted to own one, and this makes some people pepper me with “BUT WHYYYYY?” questions and/or argue with me about it. It was kind of a dealbreaker with one person. Luckily it’s much less of an issue now that I live in New York, where lifelong non-drivers are normal.
Also a dealbreaker: someone who doesn’t understand the need for Introvert Alone Time.
(ETA: I’ve also gone NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE to anyone who answers that “how often do you get really drunk?” OKC question with anything other than “never” or “very rarely.” I like a cocktail or a nice glass of wine as much as the next person, but I have zero interest in dating someone who drinks to get hammered.)
People who never think anything is their fault.
Pregnancy thread! I am hot and swollen and uncomfortable and tired and in a really bad mood (for mostly non-pregnancy related reasons) today. How’s everyone else?
Yay pregnancy thread!! I’m sorry you’re having a shitty day. I was there two days ago, but am feeling better today.
We had our 20-week anatomy scan ultrasound today, and everything looks A-OK!!! HUZZAH!!! I am super relieved. We also got a hilarious picture of the baby giving a thumbs up, a la Mad Max. Generally I think 3-D ultrasound pics are creepy as hell, but this one makes me laugh every time I look at it.
Yay for healthy 20-week scans! Mine had the fetus blocking the camera in a very hiding-from-the-paparazzi gesture. It was the first moment of connection I had to its actual (potential) personality.
I have had heartburn for three days straight! I am sick of food in every form! I don’t remember what week of pregnancy I am!
UGH. Fuck heartburn. I’m sorry you’re suffering from it. Mine is mostly under control with Prilosec, but for the last two weeks I’ve been waking up between 2 and 4 in the morning most nights with reflux. It is gross and painful. Pregnancy is amazing but also stupid.
Hooray! That’s fantastic news. Always such a nerve-wracking visit. Did you find out the sex?
No, we decided to keep it a surprise! One way to avoid the deluge of gendered baby crap that might otherwise ensue from certain family members. Plus I just like the idea of the delivery-room announcement.
Oh man, I am glad to see a pregnancy thread….I hardly ever comment on here but the Toast seems like a good place to get sane info on the internet. I am almost 8 weeks with my first and so so so anxious that something is wrong. There’s really no indication that anything would be wrong, I had blood work last week that the doctor said looked good. But here’s what makes me nervous, I don’t really have any symptoms? Not really nauseous, maybe a little bit here and there? My boobs are a little tender, a few headaches, but nothing really major. The internet has lead me to believe that pregnancy would be a miserable death slog, is it weird that I wish I was barfing? The doctor said I should not worry about no symptoms, but…I am not built to not worry.
Congratulations!! I was worried the whole first trimester, and I *was* barfing on the regular, so. Worriers gonna worry. But if it’s any consolation, when I tried to get my mom to commiserate with me about the suckiness of T1, she was like, “What? No, pregnancy was wonderful, I felt great the whole time!”
So, not feeling terrible is NOT necessarily a sign that there’s anything wrong. You might just be lucky. 🙂 Hard to appreciate that while so fearful, though, I know.
Gah, the first trimester is the worst. Either you spend it all miserable, or you’re NOT miserable and consequently freaking out. (Or both!)
Odds are really good that you’re just lucky, but I totally get it. Do you have a dating u/s coming up?
Two weeks from Monday! I’m feeling better as time goes by… I’d be nervous no matter how I was feeling, so I may as well think positive. Thanks ladies!
Congrats! And yeah, don’t worry about symptoms or lack thereof, it’s such a crapshoot whether or not you’ll get them. With my first I felt 100% normal until the third trimester (no nausea, no pain, no heartburn, nothing whatsoever) and with my second I felt like shit from day one.
FALLEN LONDON THREAD!
I am doing the exact same thing I was last week: grinding for secrets in the Forgotten Quarter, trying to get used to the new card illustrations. I’m debating embarking on the storyline that will get me banished from Court, but I don’t know if I can handle the permanence of the banishment. Is it worth it?
I got my third Mark of Credit Page and I’m waiting for the Numismatrix to come by so I can get an Iron Republic safe-conduct. *Ariel voice* I wanna be… where the devils are… I wanna see, wanna see ’em abstracting!
I am about to embark on a voyage of scientific discovery so there’s a lot of zee-faring in my future. If you have lots of souls in your inventory, you might think about selling or converting them before you go to the Iron Republic, apparently the devils might abscond with them.
Are any Toasties members of the Temple Club? I came across a reference somewhere and it seems to be invitation only, from what I could puzzle out. It sounds interesting!
I started playing again after a break. I messed up a heist and now I’m back in Newgate. But soon I’ll be working on my shadowy once more!
I’ve been doing lots of zee-faring. I’m currently at Hunters Keep talking to the three sisters.
Don’t mean to hijack at all, but wanted to pop in to say that whatever this is sounds FANTASTIC and I will be googling so I can add it to my life IMMEDIATELY.
Once you set up an account let us know your username so we can have secret Fallen London plots together and such! I’m Cynthia Hawthorn.
Yes please do! Toastie Fallen London is one of life’s great pleasures. I’m Theoretta Rizing and also Insufficiency Jones.
You can get an Iron Republic safe-conduct from the local gossip at your lodgings, I believe!
Do you get to keep the Safe-Conduct or is it one per trip?
You get to keep it! I was worried about that too.
I came to the end of my ambition thus far, and now I am velocipede-squadding and trying to boost my notability.
I tried to play the May Exceptional Friends story and it turns out it’s a mystery with a time limit… and I totally 100% failed at it. By the time I figured out how the mechanics worked I was booted back to my lodgings with a giant pile of nightmares. Fortunately, you can try again, but, uh, we’re kind of running out of May…
Thanks to the Toasties for all the advice re. My Dreaded Birthday last weekend. We had a few people over to grill that afternoon and that was pretty much it and it was pretty much perfect. And I treated myself by upgrading my FitBit One to a Charge. It’s nifty!
hi i love your username so so so very much
Hi Toasties, I have missed you all! I had a banner week. I have a coworker who is the walking embodiment of male entitlement. He thinks it’s funny to harass me and insult me under his breath (and INSIST that he just needs to tell me this ONE MORE THING – usually a fart joke – when I tell him I’m busy and need to focus). Basically, he devolves into a man-child when I’m too busy to pay attention to him. So, I sat him down this week and explained that this is a workplace, it’s not on to call me rude or lazy ever, even as a joke, and that although we have a laugh sometimes we are workmates first and behaviour needs to be appropriate. GUYS. The look on his face was incredible! He simply could not believe what was happening. He said, “Briony – what’s happening? Is this a joke? Are you actually telling me off right now?” Like, it was so unfathomable to his crumb brain that I might have any other feelings than gratitude about his presence or something. Thankfully, he’s been well behaved ever since. But damn, what on earth to behave that way in the first place?
MEN
HIS CRUMB BRAIN
You’re an inspiration. Fist bump!
Oh, also apparently the FIFA movie is still a real thing that is going to be released for people to actually watch.
Tim Roth, why.
If Sepp was really Tim Roth, I would be much more of a fan of FIFA.
One of (the many) highlights is Kin & Comfort http://hanaworldmarket.net/food-court/kin-comfort Which is southern fusion, so grits and whatnot, small plate, just exceptional cooking. Although in the process of finding the link, I saw an article about a “chef shuffle” so maybe the founders have moved on? Which has me a tiny bit worried…
You guys, it’s been a rough one. My mom went to the hospital for heart failure. She’s doing ok, and the prognosis looks good (lots of new meds, diet changes, etc should hopefully do the trick). I’m back at home after a few days of being in the hospital and then getting her set up at home. I’m looking forward to a weekend to unwind a bit before going back to see her again. That’s all to say …. I could use some positive vibes today.
Vibes coming atcha! Thinking of you.
I’m so glad your mom’s gonna be OK! Please do a ton of relaxing and only looking at happy things on the internet. Good vibezzz!!
Good to hear things are coming up!![]()
Best wishes to you and your mom. CHF is a journey, and it’s possible to live a full and happy life with it. Getting the meds sorted can be a hassle, but if she likes learning new things the process will hopefully go easily. Keeping a good thought for you both.
Strange & Norrell on Sunday. With added Wellington and Jamie Parker as Major Grant. Truly, the casting gods have smiled upon me.
Does anyone want to talk about Strange & Norrell? Please talk to me about Strange & Norrell. I cannot wait until Sunday to get my fix.
Jamie Parker!!! I love him.
I haven’t been watching it because a few years ago I shamefully failed to finish reading the book, and have been meaning to try again. But I will watch it eventually, I’m sure, because I have a friend who is obsessed.
Do it for Jamie Parker. I had no idea he was going to appear and kind of wish I didn’t know, just so that when I finally see the next episode I could have had a squealing breakdown.
I know what you mean! I watched the first two episodes with a friend and after each one we were like GAAAHHH and rewatched all our favorite scenes, so basically two back-to-back viewings of each episode. This week I started rereading the book because I couldn’t wait, and now I’m 200 pages in and trying to decide whether it’s even possible to stop reading until after the next episode, because part of the fun is that I’m not thinking too much about who is saying whose lines. (I’m definitely happy they are giving most of Arabella’s brother’s lines to Arabella!)
I love that Arabella is stealing people’s lines. I’m also glad that it looks like we’ll be seeing what she is getting up to while Strange is on the Peninsula. Her ‘Arabella is not a three year old’ comment was perfection. At this rate I’ll end up naming my firstborn Arabella.
Stephen. Poor, poor Stephen. I love him so.
He is everything I ever wanted in a Stephen. If I tilt my head and squint he even looks a little like my high school crush who I, of course, cast in the role when I first read the book. (Probably why I have such a love for Mrs Brandy. Also. THEY MENTIONED MRS BRANDY. They’d better deliver and have her pop up, however briefly.)
Just curious, is this something I could watch with my mom if she’s conservative and it would be uncomfortable watching sex scenes/much violence together? I suspect so, based on my memories of the book, but since she has BBC America/DVR I have the internet that might be the earliest/easiest way for me to watch it once it comes to the States.
I haven’t seen the miniseries yet, but the book never really acknowledges the existence of sex, so you should be safe there. The parts taking place during the Napoleonic Wars might have some violence, depending on how the adaption deals with it, but not much.
This weekend I am attending a production of Rumors at the Jewish Community Center. (I’m psyched cause it’s one of my fave Neil Simon plays).
I’ve been getting complaints about one of my student workers being rude to people (she’s kind of abrasive). So I’m going to have to have a Talk with her. Any advice for forcing someone to be nicer to patrons? Are you abrasive? How do you tone it down? What should/shouldn’t I say to her? Help!
You may want to approach it from a professionalism front rather than from critiquing her personality.
Like, some of us naturally brusque and abrasive people had to learn the art of the ‘smile and nod’ and the giving information slowly rather than sharply when we entered the service industry.
The main trick is even when you’re very annoyed not letting it show in your voice or face. Try to help guide her to calm filler phrases that can be used in these situations.
Thank you! This is really helpful!
I’m thinking I’m going to talk about user experience a lot too and how it’s important the library be a place where people feel comfortable to ask questions.
Also to be clear, I adore her as a person, she’s funny and great but her voice is kind of the vocal equivalent of resting bitchface and she can get impatient with basic/repeat questions.
I am very shy and scared of authority figures and when angry people call me I get flustered and afraid and I think my voice comes out rather abruptly and not pleasantly sometimes, because all calmness flies out of my head. I don’t know if that’s the problem with your employee, but maybe you could try giving her some stock phrases and demonstrating them in the tone of voice you’d like her to use. And maybe role play? So hopefully she can just go on polite autopilot when she needs to.
Toastfriends, I finally retired my 8.5-year-old flip phone and joined the 21st century (aka I got an iphone). it’s so shiny and new! any recs for essential apps, favorite mindless games, etc?
TOASTIE TWITTER and B612 for the requisite selfies.
Also overdrive for library books and audiobooks. For mindless stuff, I like Dots (there is also Two Dots but I don’t know the difference and neither do the #teens I asked), thisissand (make sand art, super relaxing, suggested by another toastie) and waterlogue (takes your photos and transforms them into watercolors, relaxing/pretty/fun to play with).
I have Two Dots! I didn’t know non-Two Dots was even a thing, but I will have to try it out 😀
Two Dots is THE BEST. Second it.
Wait, apologies if this is a really dumb question–is there a way to separate out the Toasties on Twitter from the non-Toasties on Twitter?
If you find user embryoconcepts, she has a “list” of toasties you can use to add people & request to be added on to!
Neko Atsume (the Japanese kitty collecting game)!
I like Dots and 2048 (games), but mostly I just have very functional apps (CVS, WhatsApp, Kik, Netflix). I do like Untappd, which is a beer/cider rating/tracking app!
Shazam! And period tracker apps! And Spotify! And Snapchat!
Boyfriend and I have plans to see San Andreas Saturday, because I’m in the mood for a big dumb movie. Biggest and dumbest.
On the subject of disaster films: I would enjoy them more if the obligatory ex-wife sub-plot were removed from the genre.
On Sunday, we’re in Ottawa, for the final gathering of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission. I have such complex feelings of anticipation. Honoured and grateful to go, but my heart is already aching. I’m part of the churches that ran residential schools, so it’s important that we go and listen and witness and continue engage in reconciliation.
http://www.trc.ca/websites/trcinstitution/index.p…
Sober for one week!
Progress in being at peace with my feelings!
I even expressed my needs to my romantic euphemisms!
And this weekend I’m going to the lake!
Yo! All the high fives to you!
Well done! Have awesome relaxing times at the lake.
You’re rocking it!
Okay, an update on a mental health crisis I had a few weeks ago, which I am going to bury in the thread.
So what prompted my question was reading an article about a family taking a years-long road trip, and how their number one rule for avoiding BO in the car was “keep your butt clean.” It had literally never occurred to me to wash my inner butt! That’s what TP is for! But I did some Googling and yeah, apparently, most people (who comment on such threads) do think washing with soap is necessary. Color me astonished. It seems that men are more zealous on this front (I guess because of . . . hairiness . . . issues?). I thought I would put the question to you all for a reality check.
Open Dee Dee thread!
Last week I shared my horsey drama regarding a dappled grey mare named Dee Dee; well, today’s the day! I’m picking her up from her former owner and bringing her back home. Super excited, worried, sad, happy: just a ball of emotion, here! Next week I’ll share our story, hopefully with pics, describing her journey as well as my own (in short, Friday Open Thread installments). Hell, I might even blog it!
I would read that blog.
Really? Awesome!
Sent from my iPad
Totally! Post it here if you do it!
Hee! I’m curling my toes imagining doing this…!
Sent from my iPad
Good luck! I hope it goes well! Can’t wait to get some updates!
It went really well; I had Dee Dee’s original owner along for the ride and he was super helpful loading her into the trailer. He’s a true, old-school horseman and I’m so blessed to have him alongside Dee Dee’s new adventures. When we got home, unloaded her and plopped her in paddock, she squirted around for a time or two, then settled in like the Dee Dee we know and love!
Sent from my iPad
Old-school horsemen are something else. There’s a draft horse auction held in central Oregon every ~April, and since a bunch of our farming peers are new farmers who are returning to draft power, we’ve been a couple times to hang out with them. There’s horse stuff, blacksmithing stuff, hand tools, etc. It’s a hilarious combination of old-school grandpas in dusters, young scruffy hippies, and the Mennonites and/or Amish (sorry, I should know) folks that take the train out from Ohio/PA to sell their newly manufactured draft equipment. It’s delightful.
Oh Lordy, I love draft breeds! Nice knowing that modern farmers are using them again; up in these parts, there was a horse logging operation at one time.
The auction sounds like a glorious mix of farming and fun. Might have to check it out one year!
And yeah, true, old-school horseman ARE something else! Never short of stories and always having the horse’s best interests at heart. I’ve heard him yelling at one of his boarders from two fields away “STOP PULLING ON THAT HORSE’S MOUTH!” What a guy!
Sent from my iPad
Thirding the asshole one. Never, ever had a good experience with someone who calls themselves an asshole.
If they start getting into deeply personal territory (either their own or mine) on the first date/meeting that’s usually a nope. It takes time to get there, like Emily said below. I don’t mind a little enthusiasm however.
My other two dealbreakers:
People who don’t reciprocate my level of interest- I’m not chasing anyone.
People who are rude to the wait staff in restaurants.
This was intended to be a reply to SmrtCookie? Oh IntenseDebate.
Okay this is a bit sickening but I thought some of you might appreciate it……the other day I found out that my boyfriend occasionally boasts to his friends about how feminist I am. Isn’t that adorable?
I think I’ve mentioned this on the Open Thread before, but anyway, I started a podcast about movie musicals! It’s called All That Pod – if two cool people discussing musicals, Broadway, Captain America Civil War, Mad Max, and the time we sat next to William H Macy at Pitch Perfect 2 please take a listen. This week we covered the insanity that is Phantom of the Paradise.
MUSICIAN THREAD!
T-minus 13 days until my 4-week “specific outcome” guitar lessons start! (Details in the thread.) Booked a noise/improv performance for July! Tested out new pedalboard setup with an ungodly amount of delay pedals!
What have you guys been up to?
Re: “specific outcome:”
Apparently, I have been saying for years that I want to learn how to play the guitar solo in Jimmy Eat World’s “The Middle,” and while…intoxicated…earlier this year, I apparently proclaimed that I could probably learn it in a month’s worth of lessons?
A friend who pays very close attention to my drunken proclamations (all twice a year they happen), made a note and bought me a 4-pack of lessons for this express purpose!
Bonus: the guitar teacher is a mutual friend, and someone I turn for lessons periodically when I’m feeling stuck and/or like I need new tricks in my bag. The timing couldn’t be better!
So, a month from now I will be officially shredding.
I never thought about how fun the middle would be to play. I just watched a youtube video about the guitar parts and seems like it combines some good skills to practice while keeping an easy to identify melody going (that is always helpful to me).
I was playing along to one of my favorite songs this week, Alligator by the Babies, but was having trouble with the solo. I think it was maybe because the pedal affects in the song make the notes sound so different – or maybe the tabs were totally wrong? Also still need to work on getting some of my chord transitions quicker.
My band update is…no band update. The drummer girlfriend / roommate had a fever and practice was cancelled. Guess this is why people start bands in high school…because rescheduling is easier. Two of us are working full time and going to grad school. Feeling a bit like it won’t really work out :/
Well now THAT song is gonna be stuck in my head all day! In my experience, the tabs are almost always wrong. Or, sometimes, they are close, but the recording is pitched differently (record player speeds vary, guitars are tuned oddly) or something.
It sounds like she’s using maybe some compression/sustain, and maybe a little delay, but there are those wacky hammer-on/pull-offs that are probably really difficult to replicate exactly, so go easy on yourself. Concentrate on the main phrases first, and if the notes still sound wrong, the tab is probably wrong. Do you have a trusted “hey can you help me learn this music thing” friend? I have a guy who built his whole lesson-teaching career on making Learn to Play in the Style Of videos, and his ear is phenomenal. Whenever I want to learn something unusual (“Fat Bottom Girls,” “Hanging on the Telephone”), I take it to him and he can usually suss out the weirdness by ear. It’s a skill I definitely do NOT have.
Sorry your attempts to get a band started continue to be thwarted! Have you already gotten together with the non-drummer person/people? Maybe you can do some song-building/vocal/pitched-instruments-only practicing and then either get together with the drummer or find a new one? Sometimes people think they want to do a thing, but when pressed to commit to it, find they don’t really wanna. (I am as guilty of this as anyone, sadly.)
JEN ARE YOU GONNA PLAY IT FOR ME *swoons*
OF COURSE I WILL! I’ll get Blunderboyfriend to make a video of it and everything. (Or I can Skype-shred at you so I can watch you get all teary and whatnot.)
Oh man, I definitely will. I sent you the story of my Australian friend playing Hear You Me for me, right?
INSTANT SOBBING MESS
You did! And I must be evil, because your tears are total motivation for me to Nail It.
I’ve gotten out of practice singing, but it makes me so happy. A co-worker mentioned that she’s going to a singing retreat so I mustered up the courage to ask her if she knew of some informal singing groups, and she did, and we bonded about it, and I’m so happy I asked and about the potentiality of meeting new fun singing people in my city.
EEEEEEEE! That’s so exciting! And there are multiple groups where you live? That is awesome, and I hope you go and meet lots of great fun kind people who also love to sing.
I pulled out old piano books from middle school while at my mom’s this week and played a bunch of Anastasia songs I hadn’t even heard in 15 years. Muscle memory is an amazing thing. I didn’t even look at key signatures, my hands just knew where to be.
DAMN! That’s incredible. Better even than riding a bike (less sweat, more melody).
So, these are my adventures trying to get help while suicidal.
A few weeks ago I went into a crisis involving my ultra-rapid cycling bipolar disorder. I wasn’t sure what to do, but fellow Toasties urged me to see care right away.
I contacted my friend, who was off work, and also my daughter.
My friend I never heard back from. The next morning I got an email from him, saying that he didn’t really know what to do to help, so he didn’t do anything. So, no followup of any kind, no text, no email, no phone call, no facebook … nothing. And then, he launched into a story about the woman down the street, who apparently he is having an affair with (he is married) — they got drunk together (he was still drunk as he was writing the email) and he learned that she is moving out of town.
And he was suffering and needed my advice. I had told him I was suicidal and needed help, but uh … . We’ve known each other since high school and university, and I thought he was a friend and someone I could depend on. I wrote him back: “I’ll contact you after my crisis is over”, actually intending never to do that.
Anyway, my daughter told me to contact my regular doc and ask what to do, where to go, since I was new to the city and she knows how much I had hated, in the past, calling 911 and having everyone — in my previous very small town — showing up to view crazy suicidal woman.
Turns out there is an emergency psychiatric center in my now big city. So I went there. The place was deluged. I wouldn’t be able to get a psych ward bed. But I could see a psychiatrist.
I got in to see the pdoc about 5:30pm, which is just about dinnertime. I told him about my rapid cycling and mixed states and current suicidal ideations. He didn’t ask any questions — not one question — but he did glance, constantly, at a wall clock.
So then he starts TALKING: he said that rapid cycling bipolar disorder is defined as 4 cycles per year. Anything other than that is likely psychosomatic or a personality disorder. I was likely being melodramatic and overly sensitive to small changes in my body chemistry. He strongly suggested that my suicidal ideation was an attempt to get attention. And then he wanted to prescribe an anti-depressant. Note also that he didn’t ask about my current and past meds and what drugs I could and could not tolerate.
Now, he was a young guy, clearly inexperienced and perhaps, maybe, an intern?? or just in medical school and this was his psych rotation?? — and luckily I can keep my face clear of expression. As he was talking, I thought, well, he doesn’t know much about bipolar disorder and so I will just get the f*** out of here … I interrupted him and said, “So, an anti-depressant. Why don’t I do that then?”
Because, anti-depressants can make rapid cycling worse, or even cause rapid cycling, but in me in particular it has dangerous side effects. But I took the script to shut him up and let me out of his office.
After that, I’m sitting in the waiting room, uh, waiting for a nurse to give me follow-up stuff (like, places to call to get a regular pdoc) … and she asks me “How’d it go?” and I said “Well, he apparently needed DINNER.” And I had a LOOK on my face.
And then, to my surprise, she just launched into this pdoc, like I have never experienced before. Usually you might get some coded language that you have to decipher, but apparently this pdoc was just so awful that the health care solidarity line disappeared.
She had me laughing so hard … after that I went to a restaurant, ate DINNER, and tried to plan out what I was gonna do to keep safe until I could get into a regular psychiatrist … one who might know something about psychiatry in *this* century.
I have a pdoc appt in about 10 days and I’m keeping extremely busy until then. But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I can keep safe.
I know people might respond to this comment with “it’s sad you had to experience that,” but … I was actually reassured by my reaction to the pdoc’s lack of competence. I didn’t, for one minute, second guess myself or look stuff up on Google to help me to re-evaluate/re-affirm what I know about rapid cycling, mixed states, and suicide.
So basically, my adventure was that I lost a friend, and experienced White Man Knowing Stuff, and nurse who had had it up to *here* with White Man. I’m safe right now and I can make it through until I see this new psychiatrist.
But it was people on the Toast who told me to get help and realized how hard it was for me to *ask* for help. Grateful, so so grateful for The Toast.
<3
I want to say something kind and helpful but mostly I am thinking WAY TO GO for your reaction to Crap Doctor Guy and for seeking help and for having a plan. You got this.
Having worked for fucked up doctors in the past, I want to highlight that the nurse must have really trusted you in order to skip past the coded language, which usually comes down to an instinct, because even in distress, people can exude common sense. Even when a doctor is despicable the staff will only commiserate with patients when they have a good sense that the patient won’t rat them out…
What a terrible doctor! You’re awesome and with any luck your next psychiatrist won’t be awful.
High five both for the nurse for chewing out a guy who should NOT be working in emergency mental health care, and for you for getting through all that.
Goddamn, you are such a rock star! You sought help, again and again. You managed your interaction with an idiot doc *while in mental health crisis*. Holy shit, you’re awesome! Please continue to keep safe. You make the world a better place and I want to be more like you.
<3 to you for telling me to get help. You are such a magnificent Toastie!
I am SO SO SO proud of you for being so strong. You nailed it. You kept YOURSELF healthy. I know that waiting the 10 days will be hard, but hijack any comment threads you need to in the meantime so we can keep up with you. There are definitely benefits to being in a larger metropolis.
Is your new big city near any toasties? would you feel comfortable telling us?
ccoryy, your reply to this thread includes your email address (presumably you replied via email). I didn’t reply to that one in case you want to edit it to remove that.
You are awesome, that nurse is awesome, that doc should be imaginatively punished.
Thanks for the update, and a standing ovation for your ability to hang on and get through this! What the actual fuck is with those men/male doctors in your life (I guess the question answers itself . . . ).
Wow. I’m sorry that you had to go through that.
Stay safe, and stay tough.
That’s awful. I hope you’re doing okay now.
If you’re up to it, please consider reporting him to the hospital and/or the state licensing board. They should really know not only that he’s a jerk, but that he’s actually dispensing dangerous advice to patients.
I think it’s been known for about 15 years that you don’t prescribe anti-depressants to a bipolar without careful analysis. And you wouldn’t do it unless the bipolar was in a safe, controlled environment. I mean, right?
I will look into reporting him when I’m back on steady ground. I was gonna just let it pass, but since you brought it up and I’ve been thinking about it … boy. I’m imagining if a newly diagnosed bipolar, who was suicidal, looked for help and got THIS guy. That would be … that would be a disaster. *feeling resolute* so thank you for bringing this up.
I work in health care reimbursement, and a big thing now is that more and more of hospitals’ funding is being tied into “patient satisfaction” scores. So many hospitals are taking patients’ complaints more seriously now than in years past. Plus, a guy like that is basically a lawsuit waiting to happen.
Also, many hospitals have somebody on staff called a patient advocate, an ombudsman, or something to that effect. (They’re supposed to be able to help people navigate the health care system and respond to complaints, etc.) If you’re having a bad experience, they’re a good person to contact.
I’ve spent a fair bit of time in hospital psych wards with my boyfriend (who’s also bipolar), and I know it can be pretty scary and overwhelming even with good and caring staff. There’s really no excuse for having someone so incompetent and dismissive working with such a vulnerable population, in emergency situations!
Oh man. Trusting yourself and recognizing that your doctor was crap? HUGE. You are amazing.
By the time I saw your original post it had been deleted and only the comments were left, but it was very worrisome. It’s wonderful to see that you asked for help, saw that what you were getting was toxic waste and reasserted yourself. So glad to hear you’ve got a plan in place. Take good care.
I’m glad you sought help, and good for you for seeing that doc’s bs.
I’m curious, and if you don’t feel like answering this obviously you don’t have to, but…I just started a new job in a crisis center as an “advocate.” I wasn’t given a lot of training and guidance as far as what that should entail, or what exactly I should be doing to advocate for people receiving services here – especially because the doctors have so much power, and it’s hard not to feel powerless when they’re the ones calling the shots. If there were an advocate at the place where you went, what action would you want them to have taken? What do you think would be most effective in terms of improving the quality of care you received?
This would be a great question to pose to the open thread as a whole rather than one person who’s working their way out of the weeds. I bet a bunch of people who have already been there and done that would have contributions.
Let us talk about podcasts!!!
New HDTGM w/ the whole gang and Abbi Jacobson talking about Hercules in New York! (http://www.earwolf.com/episode/hercules-in-new-york-live/)
I’m super excited about Sunday I’m going to see a movie called Phoenix starring the incomparable Nina Hoss at SIFF (Seattle International Film Festival) that has this summary on IMDB:
“A disfigured concentration-camp survivor, unrecognizable after facial reconstruction surgery, searches ravaged postwar Berlin for the husband who might have betrayed her to the Nazis.”
Anybody else seen or going to see anything at SIFF this year?
Yay, I can’t wait to download it! I’ve been mostly sticking to my usual HDTGM, Indoor Kids, The Patch, and Stuff You Missed In History Class, but I have recently been enjoying Hunt The Truth, which is a podcast styled like Serial that is leading into the new Halo game, with Keegan Michael Key, Kumail Nanjiani, and Cobie Smulders.
I’m looking for good science or medicine podcasts, if anyone has one they like!
If you guys enjoy comedy podcasts, check out Stop Podcasting Yourself on Maximum Fun. Couple of Canadians having generally hilarious conversations with a guest each week.
And if you like HDTGM, check out the Flop House! Similar concept, but much much goofier (in a good way).
I can’t stop recommending stuff – there’s also a Dear Sugar advice podcast with Cheryl Strayed that I’m loving too!
i cannot stop gushing about “another round” and “call your girlfriend” for smart, warm, hilarious chats between ladies (with politics that make me happy)
I found CYG from the Toast and love it. I have just added Another Round and I’m about halfway through the first episode and these ladies are fantastic, so thank you!
There’s also I Don’t Even Own A Television, which is like Flop House but about bad books (the title is entirely ironic, by the way, not snobby). The episode on the Left Behind books was great, because the host brought in a guy who was actually knowledgeable about Evangelical pop culture, so instead of stupid internet atheists shitting on dumb Christians, it was an insightful dismantling of just how fucked up those books are.
Awesome, thanks for the rec! I’m definitely checking this out ASAP!
I’ve been on a real Lauren Lapkus kick lately, mostly her Comedy Bang Bang stuff. I don’t know what it is, but I have a hard time getting through her own podcast – like sometimes they just really really drag and I end up turning it off. I have the Wild Horses 2 episode downloaded and I have high hopes for it.
Lauren Lapkus is awesome I’m a bit of a super fan, but I agree about Sepcial Guest. It is incredibly hit or miss. The weird thing about that show is how much the host (guest) has to do with whether or not the show is going to be tolerable. She gives them a ridiculous amount of power when she lets them decide who she’ll be playing.
The one with Joe Wengert where they play brother owners of a window store is amazing, I almost died laughing so hard.
Dabney (w/ Scott Aukerman doing his weird caricature artist) and Tom Leykus (w/ James Adomian doing what he does best) are other standouts. Plus any one that has any fellow members of Wild Horses.
Thanks, downloading those now!
This week, one of my friends found this at a used bookstore and posted these pictures on Facebook. It was the last week of classes, it’s finally nice out, and I had several (!!!) free meals, and this was the undisputed highlight of my week:
I need to read this right now.
Ack, the first page is too small to read. Here’s the blown up version. It’s unbelievably worth it.
https://ignatianway.files.wordpress.com/2015/05/u…
“on such a day as this, what a drag to hunt down men…” INDEED LMAO this is The Greatest
“One meter above ground level” in some future without plants, rocks, or deer. I assume. Or this turns into a J. G. Ballard story.
That sealed the deal. I need this book in my life.
Help me, Toasties! A while ago someone in an open thread (or maybe it was a link roundup?) mentioned a newsletter or journal or something like that, put out by the CDC or NIH or some such organization, which had a Latin name which I think may have included the word “morbid” and dealt with obscure death-y medical trivia. And I *really really* want to find and read it, but that comment thread is eluding me and googling hasn’t helped. Any clues are appreciated!
As for this weekend, I’m looking forward to driving from Boston up to Maine and stopping at the giant liquor barn just over the New Hampshire border. Cheap hooch for all!
I think it was on the screaming about Mad Max article
it was, it was in the thread about knowing about stabbing people in the thorax to save their lives.
http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/rss/mmwr.xml
Morbidity and Mortality is a fascinating (and sometimes horrifying) ride, have fun!
Thank you!! Time to spend the rest of my work day reading about notifiable diseases. 😀
Aww I know exactly which liquor barn you mean! Homesickness!
Can people tell me what to eat, please? The mornings are the worst, what-with the GERD and constant gross feelings. My gag reflex is on overdrive in the AM, but if I get too hungry it destroys me for the day, because I have Digestive Issues, so I must must must eat. I hate yogurt. Hate. It. It needs to be something immediately available, no cooking. No granola or anything with sharpness. Fruit is right out. I think I might just go with cookies. Dessert for breakfast is a thing, right? I just have to get some food in me first thing. Sometimes I utilize the string cheese. It is meh.
I’ve seen some sort of “breakfast cookie” being sold before… I’m of the opinion that as long as you eat *something* it’s better than eating nothing at all. So I eat pie a lot, and can recommend it. I also sometimes make up muffin pans of baby fritattas and leave those in the fridge all week.
Oh, I feel you. I have a stomach disorder that was most active in high school that made me feel nauseous in the morning, but if I waiting too long and got too hungry, I’d be nauseous for the rest of the day. I was constantly fighting a battle of “if I eat this it will make me feel nauseous, but if I don’t eat it, I’ll feel even more nauseous” and trying to calculate which option would be least likely to make me vomit. I saw a nutritionist because I was losing all kinds of weight and not getting enough nutrients, but her advice didn’t really help me find stuff that wouldn’t make me nauseous so I ignored most of it. What worked for me was:
-tiny, frequent meals. Like, 5 almonds for breakfast, and then half an hour later a piece of fruit (maybe carrot sticks or cucumber slices for you? Or are veggies out too?), and then maybe a fibre bar an hour later. It’s exhausting and only works in certain work environments (hint: not the rare books library where I couldn’t eat at my desk) though.
-watered down fruit juice
-Boost or Ensure nutritional shakes. They are kind of gross but easily digestible, and you can just sip on them. Also Carnation Instant Breakfast.
-Emergen-C vitamin powder
-individual cheese is definitely a good call
Good luck! Mine got better as I got older and now as long as I eat small meals all day instead of larger meals, it only flares up when I’m stressed or my sleep schedule gets way off.
On the carnation instant breakfast page: I drink a lot of shakes for breakfast. Red bean, sesame powder, barley, etc. Like this: http://mykoreankitchen.com/2013/02/05/korean-mult… Some of them are quite tasty. Ones that include yam tend to be a bit more viscous, so feel a little more filling.
Fascinating! Thanks for this link!
Very interesting, thanks very much!
Happy to have shared! Greenmax is the brand I usually gravitate towards. I found a blogger who did a review, so you can see how it turns out: http://ohshecooks.com/2013/01/23/my-morning-sludg… Although it really does taste better that it looks.
If you have the kind of sensitive stomach that does badly with too much fiber, I’d suggest steering away from the sesame ones, because there’s hulls, and towards the oat and yam ones. They’re all good in my book.
*falls weeping into arms of fellow weird-ass stomach owner*
I hadn’t even thought about watering juice down, thank you. There’s texture issues up the wazoo, as well. I’m pretty convinced I have an eating disorder now, between the GERD and the IBS turning every single food choice into a battle, and yet every time I say to one of my many medical professionals, “Hey, I think these things are giving me an eating disorder,” they think I’m making a funny joke, since I tend to communicate that way with them.
Thank you again.
baked egg custard? Smooth and easy to swallow and sweet, with bonus protein.
Rice pudding?
Maybe avocado? Or an avocado smoothie? It sounds kinda weird but it has a nice, bland, yet sort of refreshing flavor.
If this legitimizes anything, when I visited spain in high school, the breakfast option at my homestay was cookies.
I lot of breakfast sweets like scones are basically the same thing anyways. Go for it!
Belvita makes breakfast biscuits that are basically cookies — relatively healthy but very tasty. I like the blueberry ones best (some of the others seem too sweet, but the blueberry counteracts sweetness a little). They are soft and crumbly, not sharp. Around here you see them in all the grocery stores.
I too have GERD and when I was in the constant-nausea phase of pregnancy, I could basically keep down plain carbs (like scones or muffins – no sharp edges, as you say) in the morning. Sometimes also cheese. But that was about it. Not sure if this is at all relevant to you, but sharing just in case!!
What about a soft, hot cereal like oatmeal or cream of wheat? Would that trigger your gag reflex? They’re both filling. Or maybe those ensure instant breakfast drinks?
Whenever I feel sick, I eat cream of wheat – or as we call it: mush. It’s so soothingly bland.
Can you eat oatmeal? You can make steel cut oats overnight and then reheat them super fast in the morning.
Bring 4 cups water and 1/4 tsp salt in a pot to a rapid boil, stir in 1 cup oats, cook for one minute. Turn off the heat, give it a stir, cover, and let sit overnight. Voila! In the morning you have perfect steel cut oats and you can just turn the heat back on the pot for a few minutes to get them hot again, then mix in whatever things you can tolerate that would go good with oatmeal. This makes a few servings and the leftovers will keep in the fridge for a week. If the leftovers get too thick you can stir in a little water or milk.
if you don’t mind not eating “breakfast foods” i can tell you some of my favorite “if i don’t eat right now i will DIE” morning foods.
* mashed potatoes & a glass of milk. i’ve been told i’m weird for this but milk settles my stomach. and the mashed potatoes only take a minute to warm up in the microwave.
* bean & cheese burrito. they take, like, 2 minutes total to put together & nuke. also: i can stand at the kitchen counter and eat it like a starving animal who doesn’t know how to use utensils.
* toast with cream cheese and avocado. it’s toast. it’s fast.
I am MOVING this weekend and I am in HELL. I hate packing more than anything in the world and have chosen to have very low expectations for myself. There will be no organization, no rhyme or reason, fragile things will be wrapped in clothing. I will unpack a box at some point and it will contain nothing but five spoons, a comic book, and some change. The movers will take whatever I’ve managed to pack up, but I’ll have to throw a bunch of stuff in trash bags and cart it over myself. It’s not pretty, but it’s true.
My favorite thing about the whole process is that the more stressed I get, the more my depression creeps in. Depression eats away at my executive function, making the organization process that much harder. So I get more stressed, and more depressed, and I’m just hoping I don’t have a full-scale meltdown like I did last year.
So the thing I am most looking forward to is Sunday night. The worst of the moving process will be over, I’ll have cleaned my old house, and if all is going according to plan, I’m seeing Mad Max with a friend that evening to reward myself.
I’m sorry. Moving is the worst. I have chronic depression plus ADD and I hear you on the executive functioning going to crap. I had to handle my household’s last three moves on my own, and if MrKat had any opinions on finding completely disparate items in mislabeled boxes wrapped together in towels and socks, he wisely kept them to himself.
I think it’s really really good to have set your expectations low. This process is so chaotic and wreaks so much havoc on people who might really need their established routines (I do need that and I’m still not back to where I was, months on, although that has more to do with my older brother’s presence in my house, STILL, which is hindering my mental health progress, but I’m hindering his right back, so there!), that beating yourself up for not being more organized or perfectly packed is so unkind to yourself, but hey there, depression, that’s your specialty!
I hope it’s not too horrible after all. Many sympathies.
I know exactly what you’re talking about. It’s OK. It’s going to be OK. It will be hell first, but eventually will be OK. And you’re not doing it wrong. Whatever you do, it is exactly the right thing to do in the circumstances you are battling, including mental health demons. My demons are worst around moving, too. I got your back.
Having freshly moved (about a month ago), I will second @RoseCamelia’s wisdom.
Reading thread? Reading thread.
I just got a copy of the new Vivian Apple novel, Vivian Apple Needs a Miracle (coming out in September in the US, already released in the UK as Vivian Apple Against America I believe?) and abandoned the other book I was reading (The Bees by Laline Paull) so I can plow through this one and bask in Viv & Harp BFF 5eva feels.
What is everyone else reading?
Just started my first book by Diana Wynne Jones! So far so good!
Ooh, which is it?
The first Chrestomanci! I can’t wait to go home and get back to it.
I just finished Roddy Doyle’s ‘The Deportees’, which I enjoyed a great deal.
I just finished the second James S. A. Corey Expanse book and reactivated my library card after about 9 years. The fines I was avoiding were a whopping ten dollars, so I’m not sure why I waited so long. Weirdly, the library that I used to go to the most often seems to be about 50% cookbooks these days.
I picked up Feed by Mira Grant (aka Seanan McGuire) and I’m not sure how I feel about it. It reads to me like a Young Adult book, and if that were the case I think I’d like it better, but there’s nothing online or on the book cover that indicates that? If it isn’t intended for a YA audience I feel like it’s a little cheesy and wink-y. I’ll probably finish it off since it’s easy reading but I’m not sure if I’ll want to get book 2.
I would go door to door to spread the gospel of Mira Grant.
Some of that is the narrator’s voice; so if you aren’t sure about committing to the second novel, and would like another taste of the world building, she’s published some great novellas set in that world as well.
And her current Parasitology series gets two tapeworms up from me, as well.
I sort of feel the same way about her Toby Daye series as Seanan McGuire. I’ve read a couple of them and they’re fun, but mostly I read them and think “wow, I would have loved these so very very much in high school”
I loved Feed, but I went into it thinking it was YA – I think I picked it up from the YA section, not Horror. (I also hated the sequels so, so much, but ymmv ;))
Yeah, I feel like most of the wink-y stuff and the overly dialogue-y narration wouldn’t bug me if I knew that the book was written for a younger audience than me, but I keep cringing when she talks about real people in that world. Like when she slyly mentions that Tom Cruise was a presidential candidate. And that apparently Cameron Crowe is considered one of the most important storytellers of the post-apocalypse. Max Brooks did the “referencing real world politicians and celebs” in a much more subtle manner in World War Z.
I enjoyed the story with Feed, and I could overlook a lot, because it kept me page turning. I didn’t like what happened in the sequels, so everything annoyed me. Definitely finish Feed though – the ending’s the best bit.
Finally reading Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell! Afterwards I’m going to pick up either Station Eleven (by Emily St. John Mandel) or All The Birds in the Sky (by Charlie Jane Anders).
I also read this short story yesterday and really liked it.
Station Eleven is very good! And I’m also reading Strange and Norrell. Sometimes I have the feeling that I’ve read it already but I don’t remember anything.
Station Eleven is for sure one of my favorite reads of this year so far.
Jack Reacher “Persuader” by Lee Child. Because I needed a break.
Walking home last week, I came across several boxes of books on the sidewalk. (My neighborhood is about 70% students and staff at the nearby university, so end of academic year = people moving out = curbside freebies.) Anyway, I picked up The Joy Luck Club, which I’m reading right now, and also a couple of other novels (Segments of the Orange and The Einstein Girl) which I probably wouldn’t have paid for but will read because free! When I’m done I can always return them to the curb from whence they came.
I bought TEN BOOKS at WisCon and I am so excited about all of them that I can’t decide which one to read first, but it’s probably going to be Pretty Deadly. Or the new Naomi Novik. Or the choose-your-own-adventure steampunk anarchist book. Or –
Oh I really loved Pretty Deadly. Kelly Sue is my favorite comic writer currently working.
Seconding Pretty Deadly and love for Kelly Sue. I signed up for her Bitches Get Shit Done text list so sometimes I get motivational texts from her. It’s awesome.
Also, I met her at ECCC this year and she was really super nice.
Oh man, I am signing up for that text list right now.
It’s great! The other day we were all instructed to take a dance party break.
Uprooted is fantastic! (the new Naomi Novik). I was going to read it slowly to have it last for a couple weeks, but I got it in the mail last Saturday morning and did not stop reading until 5 pm. Sunday I was all ‘no, no, do other things’ but there I was, reading until the end.
It takes standard mainstream fantasy characters and scenarios and spins them in a blender in a most entertaining fashion.
Agreed! I could not put it down and I’m ready to read it again. It was so good, and kept going, and was just so wonderful that the driving character motivation is female friendship.
Well then, my plan this weekend is to stop by a bookstore and get Uprooted. I have been looking forward to that book so much and then completely forgot it was coming out.
I finally finished Stiff by Mary Roach. It was really fascinating, but the subject matter meant that there were fewer times when I really wanted to be reading it (not right before bed, not while eating anything,etc).
The Goblin Emperor! Gah, I wish they’d laid out the prefixes and suffixes in an appendix, I found them so confusing, but that did not stop me from being sucked in. It is one of those books that make you rabidly curious about all the characters. What are Csevet’s motivations? What was Ceredin’s life like–what sort of scholarly pursuits does she engage in? When did Beshelar start liking Maia as a PERSON, instead of just the emperor he’s sworn to protect?
I love that book but I kept having to flick back because I couldn’t remember who anyone was!
Agreed! There were some passages I reread a good number of times beause it was like playing one of those logic puzzles between the characters’s titles, honorifics, familial positions, and names.
Half of the words in that book that I couldn’t remember were ones that either weren’t defined in the glossary or were defined using other fantasy terms that weren’t defined in the glossary.
I’m reading The Secret History of Wonder Woman, and listening to the audiobooks of the Dark is Rising series (I’ll be finishing Over Sea Under Stone on my drive home today, and starting The Dark is Rising on my way to work tomorrow morning).
How are you liking The Bees? I listened to the audiobook of that earlier this month, and I didn’t think it lived up to the rave reviews it had gotten, but it wasn’t terrible.
Wonder Woman! That book was so so great.
I am not loving The Bees but will probably stick with it and finish it today.
I’ve been reading the Wonder Woman book on and off since November! It’s so big that I don’t lug it around on the subway and after the author’s ridiculous essay about reading the first A-Force issue, I’m not sure I want to dive back in…
I finally read Zadie Smith’s On Beauty, and LOVED it. Excited to talk about it with book club in a few weeks.
I was just handed Code Name Verity by my professor who teaches a young adult novel class (by far the most fun class I ever took in undergrad) and I am v excited to dig in.
I love On Beauty!! That might be my favorite of her novels – I just love the sibling relationships in it.
Helen Oyeyemi’s Boy Snow Bird. It’s very good so far.
ooh, can we talk about it when you’re done? I had both great & terrible feelings about it. And I bet other Toasties have read it & have thoughts!
Yes, I just finished! SPOILERS. I really liked the first-person p.o.v. of Boy, her way of thinking, her strangeness and fierceness and survival skills. The family dynamics around passing were also very interesting, but the last third was not so good for me — the big discovery of Frances/Frank. I get that she wanted to talk about a wide range of “passing,” including gender, but folding it in with some kind of mental illness triggered by rape in the last 15-20 pp. felt really forced. I do get that she was also writing about the possibility of leaving an identity behind, and multiple characters do that, but the complete change and the monstrousness of the new Frank were just too much, too complete, too untortured, too lacking in cracks or softenings or keyhole connections. It felt like a lot crammed in suddenly and not really explored (I guess it ends with the suitcases — we’re going to try to find out). But it was the one part that felt glib/uninteresting. Whereas the rest was wonderful — playing with oft-told tales like Snow White or “the drifter” to create something new, a sort of enchanting horror story. I didn’t understand the Mia relationship either, but the helpless exploration of mothers and daughters was fascinating and great, especially when mothers and daughters are old enough to relate as adults. So, a lot of feelings mixed up. What did you think?
Oh, hey! I just started reading that this morning!
I loved that one!
Lila, by Marilynne Robinson. I love her writing in general, especially Gilead and Housekeeping. (Home didn’t do as much for me.)
This one has a wee bit more theological maundering in it than I think strictly necessary, but her writing and characterization are just so gorgeous that I don’t mind.
I just read Lila too. Love Marilynne Robinson, Housekeeping is the only book I kept from both English BA and MLIS.
I just started the first volume of Injustice: Gods Among Us. It’s fine so far – I’m hoping it gets better than fine soon. I’ve also been rereading Sharon Shinn’s Angel books which are a wild, incoherent ride.
I’m still making my way through everything Kipling ever wrote. Also reading a lot of CS Lewis and started on Dorothy Sayers. For research reasons that may or may not be CSI Lewis related.
I’m also planning on finishing The Royal We this weekend. I need to have something to read without having an ulterior motive for reading it.
A LITTLE LIFE by Hanya Yanagihara is so, so, so good.
I just finished A Thread of Grace by Mary Doria Russell, and am back onto ASOIAF for the time being. Once I finish this one I’ll probably switch to all the Madeline L’Engle that are sitting in my library, silently judging me for not getting to them sooner.
Oh man, A Thread of Grace left me completely devastated. But it was so, so beautiful. But so, so devastating. I kept wanting to reach through the page and tell Claudette that she needed her tears now. Crying would have done her a world of good. Also I think I fell in love with Lorenzo, and I don’t often fall in love with fictional characters. Also the priest and the doctor, oh my god.
I loved the first Vivian Apple! Might have to buy the UK version just so I can have it asap.
I’m on the last of the Raven Cycle books (I think all of Tumblr is reading them right now) After that not sure what’s next- I do have Birds of America from the library (which will be my first Lorrie Moore book)
I’m reading White Noise. I kind of feel like it could have been retitled White Man.
The bartender’s no longer plagued
with illness kept a little vague
and so we have an open thread
to celebrate he/she’s not dead!
So We’ll post pictures of our cats
or dogs or birds or even rats
or even in the sun we’ll lay
this way we’ll spend a pleasant day
So even if you are at work
do not your social duties shirk!
read each post most carefully
and reply in kind quite frequently.
And we are doubly happy if
The bartender is Nicole Cliffe
As editor she has no match
Your loss, Benedict Cumberbatch!
I am waiting to hear about a job that I think I have a reasonably good chance of getting, but then again, I felt that way about the last several jobs I didn’t get, so.
Trying to follow the Ask a Manager rule of never assuming you’re going to get a job until you have an offer in-hand. Difficult to do when the hiring person keeps delaying a scheduled phone call because “higher-ups are busy” and “my hands are tied.” I mean. Higher-ups don’t need to be involved in rejecting a candidate, right?
Uggggghhhh.
Can we have a thread about WORK COMPLAINTS and difficult clients?
My small govt library can go weeks without getting any requests from external patrons (as in people who don’t work for my department) but this week I had two and they were both terrible. (I wish I could be less vague below but more detail would make it very easy for people to figure out where I work :/ )
The first one phrased his request using terms that we don’t use in this department and that I’m pretty sure aren’t used anywhere. At first he was either unable or unwilling to clarify, and I had no idea what he wanted. Then he gave me an “definition” of his terms that had nothing to do with what he was asking… Like, imagine you work at a bakery and someone comes in and asks for a smorglebork. You say you have no idea what a smorglebork is and he says, “It’s egg custard baked inside a pastry shell, duh.” You say, “You mean an egg custard tart?” and he says, “No, I mean a smorglebork, which is a kind of donut cooked in liquid nitrogen,” and you start to lose it because an egg tart is not a donut and nobody cooks donuts in nitrogen and this guy is so insistent even though he’s so blatantly wrong.
When I finally figured out what he meant, I explained that we don’t actually have that kind of document, but we do have something very similar, here you go! He responded, tersely and without punctuation, that he didn’t want [stuff I had sent], he wanted [stuff he had asked for]. Even though that didn’t actually exist.
With the second client I had a very long email exchange that boils down to this:
“I want your data on X.”
“Unfortunately this department doesn’t regulate or have any involvement with X, so we don’t collect data on it.”
“I know you don’t regulate X but I thought it made sense for you to collect data on X.”
“Um… well… we don’t. Because we don’t have anything to do with it. We do have data on Y and Z though which are similar!”
“I don’t want data on Y and Z, I want data on X.”
“Like I said, we don’t have any data on X.”
“I found a table 5.4 in one of your reports that looks close to what I’m looking for, where is that data from?”
“… Sorry, what report is that table in?”
“[no answer]”
“I think I found the table you were referring to. If you read the introduction it says that we got our data from Other Government Department 1 and Other Government Department 2. I’d recommend asking them directly.”
“I don’t want to ask them because that table is actually about Z and I’m looking for data on X. Let me give you a very long description of my research project and elaborate on why I need data on X.”
“I get it, but we just don’t have data on X.”
“So you’re not going to help me?”
“[sets computer on fire, jumps out the window]”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
I admire your restraint. I’d have pulled the clients onto my desk by reaching through the internet and grabbing their ears. Or some other appendage. Ahem. Then I would have beat their heads on my desk until they agreed to both leave me alone and apologize for being idiots.
Sometimes, I just move onto the next task, because I figure they’ve had their allotment of my time for the day/week/year.
Yeah, with both of them I got to the point where I decided not to reply to their latest email, and they didn’t get in touch with me again, thank goodness.
My work: republican mayor wants the moon, will pay for jack sh*t. So expects miracles with the lowest cheapest software version there is.
Refused to allow my department (with me at low low low part time salary) to do something based on bs “partisanship” reasons, instead spent thousands to have an outside contractor set new election wards for the city. No regard to proper voting district/anti gerrymandering legislation, and THEY HIRED SOMEONE WHO DOESN”T EVEN USE CENSUS DATA. Ok. completely incompetent.
I was pushed out of the project at that point in feb.
I get an email on Wed “can we have copies of the new ward map” copied to me with a “I’ll have GIS get on that” from my boss.
Um, what new ward map?
So, oops, they give me (the only member of the GIScience /mapping department) a SCANNED PDF of a HAND TYPED AND COLORED, never reviewed, but already signed into law, election ward map.
I’m part time I’m part time I need this job deep breaths-
this is incredibly obsolete workmanship. The guy didn’t even USE digital mapping software! Why am I getting this? Because the guy didn’t evn use digital mapping software! And now the county board of elections needs me to REMAKE the map, based on obsolete methods, that do not meet even basic legal standards for election ward creations, and IS ALREADY THE LAW. Not only that, they didn’t use metes and bounds when writing the formal legal description so it’s impossible to even trace the legal outlines of the wards that just got created with no input from people who know anything about a) building wards in THIS CENTURY or b) geography!!
Yeah. After several phone calls back and forth to the county election offices, they called the county GIS dept (I couldn’t, my phone doesn’t work at my desk). I tried to explain it. Finally I emailed the pdf’s to the county guy.
He called me laughing. He then said, “Are you going to use the same crayon colors?”. This is so far from professional, my 11 year old could have made a better map in google. And I cant. say. a. word.
Can you say contempt? that’s pretty much where I am. An entire city council and planning department said NOTHING against this travesty? Nobody? Are they all cowed by this mayor? Do they just not care? I have been swearing at this map all week. I have threatened to hunt the contractor down. I cannot believe this incompetence was just voted into law as if mimeographed maps were a normal, everyday thing.
I need a new job. THis much is very clear. I won’t be able to keep my mouth shut for long at this one. Also, I took the real data home. I’m doing it the right way…and if I lose my job by presenting the real thing after the fact, so be it.
Jesus Christ. Your mayor and city council are TERRIBLE. Fingers crossed for a better job soon.
That is some stunning incompetence. Good for you for being willing to stand up to them!
I’ve been in a shitty mood all day because I found out this morning that my paycheck, which was supposed to be automatically deposited today, would be delayed until Monday or Tuesday because the CFO didn’t schedule the payment in time.
I unfortunately pretty much live paycheck-to-paycheck currently, so that means that all my weekend plans are shot to shit because until I get paid, I have no money.
Needless to say, I am NOT HAPPY about it.
We are in one of those cyclical corporate initiatives of spending all our time researching and brainstorming and talking about how we can be more efficient instead of just using our time to do the actual work.
Ugh, just reading through that entire exchange is giving me sympathy stress pangs.
My stupid legislature still hasn’t passed a budget, which means we are now having to spend our time figuring out how we would manage a shut down. Of a public university. When we have $10 billion in the state savings account.
Oh god, that is the worst.
My entire work week has been thus: servers move from one of our offices to a new office. All our work from the previous week disappears. About ninety conversations with IT later it gets fixed. At half past three on Friday. I came home last night, drank three beers, and fell asleep. This week was not a week.
SUPER BELATED WORK COMPLAINT.
In February I negotiated my contract extension. I said something like “I deserve salary+X because you want me to manage several people on this project for the foreseeable future, and I bet we’ll need more people soon.”
They said “We don’t really see this as a management position, so like how about you only *kinda* manage those people, and take salary+1/2X” and I said “oh whatever, you get what you pay for.”
On Thursday they said “You know how you manage a couple people on this project? Well we’re hiring three more temps for you to manage ASAP.”
So uh how do I go about demanding an immediate raise? Or like maybe a temporary bonus for each month I have the temps? I don’t really know how to do this. But I find their lack of faith disturbing. (Also internally doing the I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG dance.)
How do you get out of a rut? I’ve been in one since I finished my phd – it’s like I don’t know how to live my life if I’m not working towards something! (aside from being able to do an unassisted pullup, but that’s a pipe dream ;))
Been there! PhD fallout is super tough. Trying new things is awesome. And doing things you can start and finish quickly (exact opposite of a PhD).
Oh and doing things that while you were doing the PhD you thought “I wish I had time to do that.” That feels super satisfying.
I joined a knitting group, and a book club at my local sex positive education store. And then a choir. And started committing to yoga practice, and taking looooooong walks. And I got a job as a book reviewer (peanuts, they pay PEANUTS).
Things were different for me, though. I felt like adult life had taken over so much that I wasn’t doing the things that I identified my personality with (making music, reading books, beding into pretzel shapes), so i tried to make room for those things in my life. Possibly this is not what happens after a PhD?
My workplace is hiring an archivist. My boyfriend happens to be an archivist, and he happens to be looking for a job, and he meets all of the qualifications. I know that it’s a tough field and I would love to help him out. He hates his current job and the salary range they posted here is significantly higher than what he’s making now– maybe he would just be all around happier? But also… working in the same building would be a terrible idea, right?
Two of my coworkers are married to eachother. It’s a small library, They seem to do fine but goddess knows I wouldn’t want to do that.
If it’s just in the same building, it might not be that big a deal.
Yeah, we would be in different departments on different floors. There are a few married couples that work here. I’m more worried about not having enough time apart? I go to happy hour with coworkers pretty regularly and it helps me feel like my social life is more than just hanging out with my boyfriend. I’m afraid if he was there I’d start to be like “oh, you again.”
If you have clear rules/expectations/etc between the two of you, working in the same building is not necessarily InstaFail. I mean, it can be, especially if you’d need to work together or for the same person. But I wouldn’t say it’s always terrible, unless you think it would be based on the people/organization involved.
I’m a librarian, and I have two coworkers (both in different departments) who are married, and it seems to work out fine for them? They probably would never see each other if they didn’t plan to have lunch together or w/e.
This may be catastrophic thinking, but if he was your ex-boyfriend would you tell him about the job? If yes, I would say go for it. If not, I’d think about it more carefully.
Good point! Hmm…
It’s pretty common for academics to meet other academics in the same department, studying the same subject. Then when they marry they have “the two body problem”, in that they have to find TWO jobs in the same field in the same place. In my university we had the husband of the dept. head as a PhD student in the dept, two professors just got married, an older couple who’ve been there forever as professors, and hired in another two people who are married and teach different aspects of the field. It’s not impossible, but only you can judge if it would work or not.
Oh, we’re not in the same field at all– it isn’t even academia. So I don’t think we would be too up in each other’s business work-wise, it’s more like do I really want the organization I work for to be all up in my relationship?
Online dating thread?
I am going on a date tonight with a guy I met on okc awhile back. We get together every once in awhile, and while it is not heart-fluttering, it’s fairly solid sexytimes.
Does anyone have any suggestions for conversational redirects re: weight loss? He is trying to lose weight and I have only so much tolerance for weight talk. I am firmly in the health at any size camp, and get really bored talking about calories and pounds and such. Also when someone I’m dating has the idea that skinnier is better and weight loss is always a noble endeavour, I get a little bit insecure that that’s what they think I should be doing too (fully realizing that this is my issue, not theirs, but still). Now! I would never try to discourage him from doing whatever he wants with his own body, and if losing weight is what he wants to do, all power to him. I generally try “I’m glad you found something that makes you happy” or “good to hear you’ve found something that works for you.” Any other suggestions for things I can say that firmly convey that I don’t want to talk about this anymore, without being discouraging or dismissive?
I’m here even though I haven’t been on any dates this week due to a combo of being out of town and sick. But I have 1 scheduled for Sunday. And tentative plans for dates on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I’m a little afraid of burnout but what the hell.
I have little/no tolerance for weight loss talk. I would probably tell him outright “I’m glad you’re happy but I don’t want to talk about weight loss.” Once. If he doesn’t stop I’d dump his ass. Solid sexytimes is not enough for me to budge on that but you do you.
Soo……. My office sends around pictures and bios when a new person starts. And one of my 90+% matches just started working in very small my office. Not just in my office, his lab is right in between my 2 labs so I’ll pass by 8,000 times a time. I haven’t run into him in person yet but I think the polite thing to do is pretend I don’t recognize him, right??
Yes, I am firmly “pretend you didn’t see coworkers on online dating sites” UNLESS he is someone who has sent an awful message in the past and then you could be like “do I know you from somewhere…maybe online??” and then watch him squirm thinking I’m about to reveal how unquestionable awful he is, but *ahem* that is just a fantasy I have about dudes who send me awful messages. Occasionally I see coworkers on Tinder (no one I have to work with closely) and I would be very annoyed if they tried to acknowledge it.
Oh man, nothing to report except why does getting to know people and dating mean you get to examine so much you fear and feel about yourself
I’m glad you posted the thread! Sigh. I had a long week and only 4-5 hours of sleep a night due to my own mismanagement. Now I’m rocking a stomachache (I’m looking at you, leftover chicken for lunch) and I have a hangout in FORTY MINUTES. It’s near me, but I hope I feel better soon.
GHP? I’m so mixed. We keep having strange miscommunications about how we think of each other (??), and it makes me feel vulnerable and upset yet I find it *interesting.* Slightly confusing. I’ll figure it out.
Good luck with your hangout! I usually have a bottle of pepto in my purse on dates.
I was looking for this thread today!
I have a first time coffee date Sunday and I am FREAKING OUT. I rarely do the online dating thing and haven’t had much success but I am trying to get better. Part of that is I’m always afraid that even though I make sure my photos accurately portray my weight, guys will feel lied to when they meet me in person. Never mind the stupid insecure part of me that wonders why an attractive guy would be interested in me anyway.
So. Remind me that the guys need to impress me, not the other way around? Good tips for for first time meetings? Great comebacks to keep in reserve to use on Grade-A jerks? All are welcome.
Good luck! Anyone who would feel lied to re: your weight is a baby, and an asshole, and not worth your time!
I used to get so nervous before first dates that I would down a shot or two of whiskey. This is perhaps not the most responsible advice, but it worked for me and now I don’t get quite as nervous. I also promise myself a treat if the date doesn’t go well, something that I can look forward to after (usually I end up looking forward to the thing and wishing I wasn’t going on the date at all, which helps keep expectations low).
For inspiration re: how to deal with dates who are jerks, look upthread in the dealbreakers thread for the toastie who left in the middle of a date because the dude was rude to a server. May we all possess such steadfastness in the face of fuckery.
Actual text sent to friend moments ago: “Is it bad form to have a shot beforehand?”
I like the bribing with a treat idea! There’s a Trader Joe’s near where we’ll meet and I don’t shop there very often, so that’s the backup plan.
I do both the shot before and the treat after. A+ would recommend.
I have a friend I call before almost every first date to tell me exactly this, so I will say it to you:
You are a bomb-ass person, you deserve the world, and they are LUCKY you are spending time with them. If they don’t impress you, let them know gently and politely that they are not a good fit, and if they are rude you have my permission to burn them with fire.
Damn right! Thank you for pick me up!
Dating! Well, not so much dating, but updates on dude I went on a few dates with who later disappeared:
So I texted him because I knew I was moving and we had some sexytimes. Well, we had them scheduled and then he kept cancelling (frist time for work, second time because he wasn’t feeling well). I was actually disappointed because I really like him (his reason for disappearing was understandable, though it could have been handled better) and so I told him that. And he came back and explained, and we talked a little bit more and he ended up deciding he wanted to see me that night, despite not feeling his best. Poor man really wasn’t feeling great, but he was better company than he thought he’d be. Normally I wouldn’t push, but we were on a pretty tight schedule since I move in, oh….2 hours.
Anyways! He’s asked me to let him know when I’m back in town (both for visits and potentially for the long term), and I’m planning on it. I like him a lot, but I have a TON of figuring-life-out to do.
Toasties, I’m GETTING THE KEYS TO MY NEW HOUSE which I BOUGHT today. It is the weirdest thing, and I am very excited.
That is awesome!! I’ve been looking now for 1.5 yrs, I’ve put in 4 offers, and been under contract once yet still have no house. So I think that is a huge and awesome accomplishment!
WOW
SO EXCITING!
Are you moving in soon, or are you just luxuriating in ownership for now?
I’m going to Phoenix Comic Con this weekend! Woo! I’m dressing as Utena on Saturday (like I did yesterday) and Sailor Jupiter today! Here’s a selfie I took yesterday:
![]()
On Monday, me and the parental unit are going to Yellowstone, which should be a lot of fun (if they can keep the White Suburban Parent Routine to a minimum…). I’m hoping to talk to some park rangers there to see if there’s anyway I can sneak into a job with the NPS or find some resources for getting a seismology-related job. BUT MOSTLY I JUST WANNA SEE THE ROCKS! So many rocks! *drools*
Yellowstone! It’s super awesome, just don’t stand too close to any bison. If you’re at the north entrance to the park and you like hamburgers, Helen’s in Gardiner is super super tasty. If you want more recommendations, let me know!
Geologist cosplayer solidarity! Have fun at both the con and Yellowstone, that sounds like my kind of weekend!!!
ps your epaulets = <3 <3 <3
The epaulets are made of cardstock paper and hot glue. I made them at about 1am the night before! Because I am SO GOOD at this not waiting until the last minute thing! But I am still really proud of them, dang it!
I’m so happy to find other geologist cosplayers since none of the other geology students at university were into cosplay! I did meet a cosplayer yesterday who was a meteorologist, which was cool.
That’s awesome! If you ever decide to upgrade them, look into worbla, that stuff has changed. my. life. We have our big con in June and somehow I’m ready with all three of the new costumes I made??? This is unheard of, last year we were working on stuff in the hotel the night before.
My sister is cosplaying Makoto’s school uniform this year, I’m always here for Sailor Jupiter cosplay! (Post pictures when you can!)
Wait, there is a way to do cosplay that doesn’t involve staying up until the wee hours the night before you’re supposed to wear your costume? I thought that was just the way that cosplay worked!
Creeper thread?
Will post stories in comments in case any one out there has triggers.
So, am in a choir, and there is a beginner basics class that my choir master _insists_ I attend. For the most part everyone is lovely, but the basics class is kinda drop-in, and there is a New Person who is… overly loud and attention-seeking and Bad At Instructions. Now, my town tends to have a somewhat vagrant population (gov’t town, people show up for a couple of years then move on. It’ s a diplomatic/policy thing, I understand), and I _suspect_ that this man is new to my town, because he seems a little desperate for attention, but maybe not?
Anyway, the creeping starts about a month after he joined the basics class. Choir left for Europe, so we were on break, and he shows up at my yoga studio! I am a Friendly Person, and not at all upset when he greets me, or gives me bises (there’s significant francophone culture around here), but I _did_ get upset when I mis-stepped and told him about practices that he wasn’t invited to (choir versus basics class) and he refused to let me go without getting my digitz. It being the 21st century, I gave him my email. It turned out that there were no rehearsals, so I didn’t bother emailing back.
Fast forward three weeks, and choir is back in session. I am happy in my basics class and do my thing. He shows late, so cannot chat with me before hand, and I scoot out of the class before he left. I’m merrily making my way home, when, while waiting for a large beige SUV to freaking drive through the light so that I can jaywalk my way home, I notice that it is blinking its highbeams. “Weird behaviour”, thinks I, “for a clearly lit evening in the city”, but being a pedestrian, assume that the car is not signalling to me, and stop paying attention. Then – because I am _still waiting_ for this SUV that has not gone for _no reason_ – i look back at it and discover… creeper from my yoga class is waving frantically at me. I return said wave, and turn my head, because NOT INTERESTED. Which is when he _finally_ goes, and, without signalling, turns onto the street that I am walking on. And then pulls over.
My hind brain at this point is screaming nopenopenopenopnenopeNOPE at me, and without even really thinking about it, I pivot, and head south instead of east, figuring that, by the time he can drive to where I am walking, I will be long gone.
Which is when the unhappy sets in. I am unhappy that I had to regulate my behaviour because of this dude who won’t take no for an answer. I am unhappy that I feel so unsafe in what has heretofore been a safe learning environment. I am unhappy that the thought “This man cannot know where I live” crossed my mind. And I am SUPER unhappy that amidst all of this, there is a tiny refrain in the back of my mind saying “he probably just wanted to offer a ride home, what is wrong with a ride home? And if he is new and lonely? He probably just wants some human contact!” All of which is irrelevant because although this guy does yoga and also the same kind of music as me, my brain basically never yells at me to avoid people and when it does? I listen. So the question. How do I stop feeling badly for not being as-friendly-as-possible?
I am looking forward to not seeing this guy on the weekend. And mojitos. There will be a jug o’ mojito.
you are the judge, jury, and executioner when it comes to people you don’t want in your life. You owe it to yourself to listen to your intuitions, and fuck what that guy wants or thinks he deserves. Maybe his intentions are fine, but that really doesn’t matter.
remind yourself that you are allowed to dislike people.
I know. I know all of these things. Knowing and believing are different 🙁 *shakes fist at patriarchy*
I know 🙁 How about some funny ideas, let’s see…
Next time you go to choir, wear something that makes you feel like a total badass. Imagine yourself in big combat boots if you don’t have some. Meditate on Imperator Furiosa. Apply black eyeshadow all over the lid, not just in the crease. Practice glaring and flipping the bird. Watch funny videos on youtube without laughing so you can practice not smiling. Listen to outrageously angry music on the way there, like RATM. Wear a baseball hat backwards, then turn it around if he tries to give besos.
If you do all that, at least you’ll be mentally giggling when he comes up to you all “hey girl whats up” … and you can imagine yourself snapping your gum and walking away, even if you actually stay and be your nice self. The point isn’t to turn yourself into someone you’re not. Just a way to prepare some defenses when you know you’ll need them.
<3
Heh. I am kind of a punk, so dressing badass and angry music are ALREADY ON THE MENU.
I am planning on studiously avoiding all eye contact. Avoid avoid avoid.
So, whining to the internet time. I just graduated law school and can’t find a job. I got two rejections from positions I thought I had in the bag this week. This means I have to move home, back with my conservative religious parents (who I love deeply and who are saving my life helping with things, but who will be difficult to live with- no drinking allowed, constant attempts to get me to church, etc) in the middle of nowhere (I’ve been in a big city for the past three years and I adore it). I’m super single and feeling ridiculously lonely, but also have social anxiety issues and don’t like going out. Any advice/cute animal pictures/recommendations of good (sweet) drinks I can make at home (gotta drink while I still can) would be much appreciated.
check out dailyotter.org
And while you’re doing it, drink amaretto sours! 1 part amaretto, 1 part lemon juice (better from a lemon, but you can use jug lemon juice if you MUST. Bar lemon is Right Out). Shake. Drink chilled.
OR check out Tikibar TV (google it, should come up) for hilarity MIXED with drinking! And cocktail recipes to boot!
Gently atheist here. I hear you on the conservative relatives wanting you in church. For different reasons, I go to church with my MIL. Once a quarter. I get in front of it and volunteer. I sit next to her with a bible or hymnal in my lap as a writing desk. I bring a pen and paper. I write the entire time, looking up after every phrase. I look like I am taking notes. I write slowly, any phrase that comes into my head. Sometimes it’s something the pastor just said. Or free association from my twisted imagination. Just idly writing nonsense, slowly, looking up every minute or two.
It makes her happy and puts a limit on my exposure to religion. Would your parents pressure you less if you agreed to attend one church service per month?
I’m honestly not sure if attending a few services would make them back off or make them think that I’m relenting and make them push harder. My mom is the type to use “but you went last week! Clearly that means you believe a little!” and guilt me into going and doing things I don’t want to do.
Did you just graduate last week? Have you taken the bar yet? Jobs will come. I graduated in ’12 and didn’t have a job until mid-October but I’m fine now. Most everyone I knew got a job after they passed the bar. I applied to what felt like 100 jobs. It’s okay. You’ll find a job. A good thing about moving out of a big city is that once you get a job and are making money (even in the middle of nowhere) you’ll probably find it easier to make it on your own. What kind of law did you study? Could you find an area where your parents are to volunteer your expertise? this will get you out of the house.
As to feeling single and lonely, I’ve got two words. Online dating. Or, even most middle of nowhere places have young professional groups. That’s where I made my friends when I moved to a new place right after school.
I did just graduate. That’s a relief that so many people found jobs after taking the bar. I went to a pretty good school, so basically everyone I know already has a job, which has made it that much more stressful that I’m still looking.
Sadly, my parents are seriously in a ridiculously rural area (we can’t see any other houses from ours), so there’s not going to be much opportunity for either volunteering or dating. My only hope is that I can find a good job somewhere with people relatively soon, so I’m only home for the two months until the bar.
I’m also doing the new attorney job search, so I feel you. It’s not the greatest. Happy to discuss thoughts and strategy more in depth if you like.
As for sweet drinks: I really like alcoholic arnold palmers which are just 2 parts (slightly dilute) lemonade, one part sweet tea vodka. Perfect easy summer drink, imo.
I’ve been listening to a lot of Hollywood Handbook lately and a few days ago I was on the phone with someone from our insurance when she mentioned something I didn’t understand and I unthinkingly asked her to “speak on that” and then I was momentarily mortified but we moved past it.
This blurry girl just got her brown belt! https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=941943275…
She also became the second one of my kids to break their hand punching a particular girl in the dojo (the girl is just fine,it’s not a too-rough issue, my kids apparently get boxer’s fractures easily)
My last lacrosse games are this sunday. I am so looking forward to that being done (and to my payment).
Kid from college is pretty stressed out. He didn’t enroll soon enough for summer classes and if we don’t get things going he’s screwed. While trying to be very patient and supportive with him, he burst into tears about homesickness and depression. GUYS. my big 6 ft 2 baby is hurting and I can’t help him. It’s definitely not situational, he gets the depression from both sides of the family. I am suggesting he get counseling but that’s odd too, since he’s rather old to be going to the pediatrician’s office.
Kid two is running his first 5k this week–only they changed the date of my lacrosse tourney and I can’t be at the race to watch. That is sad.However he is practicing saxophone on his own, hanging out with silly converse-wearing girls, and considering a summer job, so that is nice.
The kids leave on Thursday for a month with their dad. I am ok but am holding back tears frequently. Don’t know what will happen with the eldest. His girlfriend has set up camp at my ex’s, it’s closer to her work so less gas money. I did ask the eldest to please not spend all summer there, I miss him. Her mom seems to be ok so far with her being out, but we’ll see tonight.
THe money fairy has to show up so that I can buy the college boy a very good trumpet and hand over the good trumpet to the girl, who is currently playing on a school trumpet that needs repaired.
I have one visit out of town planned at the end of june while the kids are still away. I will probably bury myself in gardening, job hunting, and home rehab type stuff.
Counseling definitely helps – but he should see a therapist for adults 🙂
In fact, colleges can have great counseling resources. A lot of the larger campuses offer drop in services and mine had a crisis hotline that they promoted ceaselessly during finals. The counselor on campus should be able to give a referral to a therapist off campus, if, as with my campus, they have a limited number of sessions to offer.
Edit to add: the great thing about the counseling center on campus is that they’re great at school related stressors like registration, grades, etc. I remember going in once in a panic about my thesis, and the counselor was so unphased and yet also understood the gravity of that particular kind of project, plus had actually helpful scripts for talking with my advisor or reaching out to the ombuds if that became necessary. He knew an impressive amount about the other campus resources, and it was an incredible help.
Hooray for trumpet players! Has the depressed boy investigated counseling services on campus? It hurts to watch, but you know he needs to feel screwed in the circumstances he created. He will learn from this very hard lesson. Better he learns it now, with you to help him, than later, when procrastination could cost him a job.
You’re aces as a parent and as a coach.
Thanks. I would be more tough-love oriented, but this isn’t his first go-round with depression. He wanted to be off meds for his first year at college, and it was probably not a good experiment. I kinda feel that I missed the cues on that one, and if I had, he would have gotten help sooner and wouldn’t have ended up so screwed now. He does get depression induced “frozen in place” moods, where thinking ahead just can’t happen. I think we were both hoping that it was situational and that college would be enough of a boost to pull him out of it, and not have depression be the constant companion that it can be. Well, hope is nice, but now it’s time to be practical. After I finish getting the girl’s hand in a cast, I’ll work on getting him a counselor.
UGH. so–realized that kid is big, but still on dad’s insurance, and dad’s company has amazing health center on site (actually, one on EACH site, and both less than 15 minutes away), which would be low-cost, fast to get into, and treat him as an adult with adult issues.
Other bomb dropped…kid failed 3 classes. This is bad, he was on scholarship. He was a freshman and had so many opportunities for help, but, oh, man, the depression ruled, so we have a lot of decisions ahead of us to make, and quickly. Now their are 4 classes he has to redo in the fall just to be at square one again, and two more to be caught up. All without funding. Keeping him here might not work either, he lives for marching band, taking that away would only make the depression worse.
All in all, tomorrow I will take off work again, to get girl her cast, get him an appt. to see someone, and call all the advisors/profs about what to do next.
ugh.
If he is goign to have to repeat a whole semester’s worth of courses, however, than maybe we can just let him have a job this summer and earn money towards it. I just have to see if there’s any way for him to earn back his scholarship, or if it’s gone for good.
Can I say how much I hate epigenetics?
So, I am having a Friend Situation and it’s a rather sensitive subject (money) so I feel weird talking to people about it so I will throw it out into the void.
My closest friend in my city makes more money than I do. Like…a lot more. She recently got a huge raise, so while we’ve never discussed specifics, I would guess from context clues that she probably makes more than twice as much as me. Her job is cool and glamorous and they fly her places and pay for things. She doesn’t gloat or anything, but things do come up in the course of talking about our lives, and I know this sort of difference shouldn’t matter but it makes me uncomfortable. And I hate bringing up the discrepancy by saying things like “No, I can’t afford that right now” when she suggests an outing. When I was unemployed for a few months, I didn’t want to stop spending time with her, so I wound up in some credit card debt that I’m still trying to pay off. I mean, it wasn’t ENTIRELY trying to keep up with her lifestyle that led to that, but it was definitely a factor.
I hate this little ball of resentment that I feel in my chest. I hate that this matters to me. I don’t want it to matter. Any advice on like, I don’t know, letting go of it a little, being happy for her, continuing to be her friend without going broke…?
Instead of going out to eat, I invite folks over for a meal or do potlucks with them. I’m kind of a good cook, so it’s usually better than the dinner out. I also invite folks to do things with me that are cheap or free, movies I have passes for, going swimming in the pool I have a (dirt-cheap!) membership in, etc. Outdoor fairs (in my city there are more than a few of them in good weather) are also a good group activity with cheap, good food. When I gave myself over to not spending money I didn’t have at restaurants I didn’t really care for, it made my life a lot better.
I know several people who have more discretionary income than I have. I consistently decline invitations I cannot afford. I give no reason unless asked. And then the answer is “It’s not in the budget.” Some of those friends get it and make a point of spending time with me in ways that cost less money. Others have tried to pay my way and sometimes I accept, depending on the relationship.
And then there are those who Just. Don’t. Get. It. They’ve always had a trust fund and assume everyone else has similar resources. I give these people no effort. If they can’t ask for a clue or even try to imagine other perspectives, my energy is better spent elsewhere. I text/email those folks once a quarter and give them no further thought. Their social education is not my responsibility.
Yes, I do the same. Luckily, most of my friends are in a similar financial situation so they’re very understanding.
I sometimes try to counteract situations like this by proposing the activities myself — “want to cook dinner together on x day?” “want to go for a hike” (less relevant in a city, I suppose), and other frienddates that don’t require lots of cash. And then I feel in control rather than having to awkwardly say no to something I shouldn’t spend on, or to do the thing and feel guilty.
This is very good advice. You could even do it when she is making suggestions for spendy activities: “that sounds fun, friend, but my budget it won’t allow it at this time. But I’d still like to see you. Would you want to do this free or cheap thing another day?” It’s a clear message why you’re saying no to things, it offers an alternative, and maybe over time it will help with the resentful feelings when you have some positive inexpensive experiences together.
Btw, femaelstrom, you inspired me to put a post in the Phillytoast Google Group to come up with free or cheap activities. I’m pretty much in the same boat myself this summer, so I have been thinking about it anyway!
When you figure it out, let me know. I feel like its making me a smaller human being because money looms so large in my life that money problems are hard to see past.
I think that if you feel close enough to this person, you should just tell her if you can’t afford to do [x stupidly expensive thing].
I was on the other side of your situation for awhile, not that I make a ton of money but I had a friend who went back to school and so had no income. I tried to suggest cheaper things to do, but I also didn’t want to treat her like a teenager who just got their first job, you know? I mean, she is a grown up, she knows how to budget her money, so I didn’t want to be like “the only thing you are allowed to do is drink Boone’s Farm out of a paper bag while sitting in the park.” If she had budgeted for a fun night out, cool, if not, cheap beers are pretty much always fine with me.
I mean, I don’t know how your relationship is with your friend, so maybe this is ridiculous to suggest, but she might just be waiting to follow your lead?
I’ve been the person who’s made less money than a friend and I’ve been the person who made more, and when I was younger I definitely spent more than I should have trying to keep up with people. Being broke is a really hard place to be in and it can be tough to not feel like it’s a reflection on your value as a person. The other suggestions in the thread are really good ones and if your friend values your friendship, she’ll adjust to spending your time together in ways that isn’t such a burden to you.
So, my BFF makes a bagillion times more money than I do (see: that time we were talking about savings and I found out that what she put into savings each month was the equivalent of my take-home pay). We don’t see each other that often, but the way we handle it is like this: we treat each other to things that are in our budget. So one time she suggested going out for drinks and she picked up the bill ($100+), the next morning I got breakfast ($15ish). Both of us picked up a round of something, but neither of us felt stressed about what we were buying.
It sucked knowing how much more money she made, but I also see the sacrifices she makes for it and I know they aren’t things I’d be willing to sacrifice so I try to focus on that when the green-eyed monster hangs out in my head.
That sucks – the resentment and the going broke.
I’m on both sides of this quite often. I have a lot more discretionary income than some of my friends, and a lot less then others. I think the whole “don’t talk about money” thing is something rich people invented to maintain their power. So I’ve cultivated a lot more openness – I’ll tell people all the time that things aren’t in my budget! It’s probably emotionally easier for me, a bit, because I do have some discretionary income and can be generous from time to time.
If I had a suggestion, it would be to invite your friend to do something with you, and while you were doing that, let her know that you are tightening your belt and would love it if your friendship could focus on low-cost activities for a while. That way you’re not constantly saying no – sometimes people are dense, and they don’t figure out what a series of “no” to the bar nights actually means. Sometimes people will be hurt, or think you’re playing a weird power game. If she’s a good friend, hopefully she’ll get on board.
Also, remember, just because she has more income doesn’t mean she’s ALSO not in credit card debt keeping up with herself. When I first became a lawyer, I way overspent, including on buying people drinks and stuff, and so ended up struggling for a while with credit card debt despite my decent salary and expense account. You really never know what’s going on in someone else’s finances.
Oh, MissSusan, I’m going to be searching for the books about the Medieval period you recommended, all in the spirit of keeping busy! Thank you so much!
Hey Toasties who are librarians, english teachers, or graphic novel fans, I need your advice. My friend is a 9th grade english teacher and is looking for a good graphic novel to teach for the last book of the year. Maus and Persepolis are on the 10th grade list, so those are out. She wanted to teach Fun Home, but is worried it might be too advanced. I recommended Batman, which I read in a high school class on the Gothic, but I’d love some more suggestions!
I love Fun Home, but it is pretty advanced. Maybe Palestine by Joe Sacco? Or Blankets?
This One Summer or Aya would be great! (My opinion as a reader, am not a teacher or similar.)
I teach a graphic novel class and students have really enjoyed I Kill Giants (we also read Maus, The Odyssey, The Girl Who Owned a City and Batman: Earth One). I would also recommend Friends With Boys by Faith Erin Hicks and Anya’s Ghost
I am here to write about Faith Erin Hicks, whoI might be secretly (and ineptly) stalking. Nothing Can Possibly Go Wrong by her is also excellent.
Loooooved Anya’s Ghost.
Have her check out YALSA’s Great Graphic Novels lists! There’s a list for each year, going back a few years.
There are top 10 lists there too, if those are easier to peruse. I would recommend American Born Chinese, by Gene Luen Yang, or maybe Anya’s Ghost, by Vera Brosgol.
Boxers & Saints by Gene Luen Yang!
I was looking up a series that I read quite some time ago, could remember the publisher, but not the book… and lo! Not only do they recommend the trilogy (The Colours Trilogy. It is beautiful) that I was going to, they _even have a lesson plan for it_. http://us.macmillan.com/firstsecond/teachers-and-….
I loved In Real Life by Cory Doctorow – A girl begins playing a MMORPG, which becomes her window into real-life economics and inequality. Interesting without being preachy, and I loved the art.
I would also recommend This One Summer possibly, or Anya’s Ghost. Both already mentioned, both quite good. Ms. Marvel is interesting if you want to go super hero. or for more historical, the Pride of Baghdad might work.
For what it’s worth, I have read Fun Home and my kids are in grades 8, 9, and 10 this year. I don’t think it is too advanced at all for that age group.
As an alternative suggestion, I really love Guy Delisle’s graphic non-fiction about his time spent in Shenzhen, Pyongyang, Burma, and Jerusalem. They are amazing books and he is a gifted storyteller.
Thanks everyone! I knew I could count on you guys. I can’t wait to give her all of these wonderful suggestions.
I am a graduate student. I landed a job and I have my defense scheduled. Scheduling the defense has not been fun. Tell me your wackiest committee stories and/or what you did between turning your dissertation into your committee and defending it so that you didn’t lose your shit.
I read a lot of fiction, did data entry for a friend working on botany research project, spent time with friends, and planned a trip to Jamaica with Mr. Floridagal for after the defence.
in my defence, the examiners got a sandwich lunch. They sat at the other end of the table, ate it, and didn’t offer me anything. By the time the 4 hours were up I was just listless and hangry. If it had gone on for longer I would have demanded to be excused so I could get some chocolate.
That’s so cruel!
One of my committee members was an hour late for my proposal defense. My heart almost exploded from the panic. I am so terrified it’s going to happen again.
omg I would have died. The 10 minutes of awkward conversation with my supervisor before I went in was bad enough!
Suggested reading: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/faq-the-snake-…
I had the option of sitting for a comprehensive exam instead of a thesis track but I spent an entire extra year in grad school because when I should have graduated pretty much the entire American History department that I had taken my courses with was on maternity leave/sabbatical/lost all of the papers I had given them to review at the same time.
Oh and they made me take an undergraduate TWO SEMESTER paper writing course because I went to a different school for undergrad. Obviously my historiography and capstone writing courses in undergrad couldn’t possibly be used to waive an undergraduate paper writing course that I took in the final two semesters of my graduate career.
The day of my defense turned out to coincide with the annual student water fight at the vet college where I did my research. Sure enough, the fourth-years ambushed the first years in the lecture hall where my seminar was scheduled right before my presentation. There was an inch of water on the floor and we had to go find a stack of towels so my committee and the rest of the audience could sit down without getting their butts soaked.
Yikes!
After my defense presentation and all the questions from my committee I sat in the hall waiting for them to talk and make a decision about whether or not to pass me. I was so nervous that I pulled an office supply catalog out of the recycle bin next to me and focused on reading it. My advisor came out and was very confused.
Toasties, has everyone seen mansplaining exquisitely represented in statue form? If not, here you go:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/05/27/statue-p…
hmigod ohmigod ohmigod. it’s like all the “men being men at women in western art” posts, but in bronze!!!
SHE’S EVEN READING A BOOK
Right? Of course she’s reading a book. Well, trying. She’s saying “Mhmm… mhmm… huh… mmmm…. wow…” at intervals so as to maintain what she hopes is obviously the bare minimum of polite participation in the conversation, and stealing little longing glances down at the open page, and crying on the inside. Not that I would know anything about that.
Oh my. It’s remarkable how well it captures his invasion of her space. He is just looming over her, and look how much closer his foot on the bench is to her than the rest of his body! If I were that woman I would feel very uncomfortable.
I feel very uncomfortable just looking at it!
according to Ann Friedman, the artist has said he’s never heard of mansplaining! Amazing how well he captured it, without even meaning to. amazing and dispiriting. (Since he probably thinks its cute or something).
Has anyone here, particularly with a history of mental illness, suddenly become caffeine intolerant? I’m not trying to pry, but I’m bi-polar, and I’ve gone through the last 15 or so years drinking at least a pot of coffee a day. Now it seems if I drink more than a cup, I become extremely anxious and paranoid and feel like the universe is about to collapse.
I used to have almost no reaction to caffeine, could have a large DrP at 9pm and get to sleep fine. But I’ve been having problems with my depression letting me fall asleep, so I got into a cycle of sleep aid to fall asleep, being too drowsy to work, soda to perk up, Major Anxiety from about 11am to 3pm. I need to figure something else out, but the anxiety is definitely heightened by the caffeine.
Yes! I never really thought about caffeine much – I drank coke, but not coffee, and not every day. Then a few years ago I noticed after I’d been to the dentist I was always shaking and anxious and paranoid all day. Finally figured out it was because I always treated myself to a big starbucks mocha for being brave, and it was the caffeine that was doing it. Since I’m not really a coffee person it was easy for me to give it up.
Yep. I didn’t tolerate it well before I went on Cipralex (also known as Lexapro), and now I can’t have it at all.
Running thread! I ran a half-marathon last weekend and while I did feel like absolute shit for the next day or so, I have actually recovered fairly quickly. It was hard and slow but I finished.
Photo of my epic costume in replies.
This is off your topic, but how are things going with your interns? (Sorry, I don’t know if you mentioned any progress last week Friday and I didn’t see anything today.)
And congrats on finishing!
You know, they’re a little sheltered. The one who is A Man is tough to deal with but I think also getting a hell of a wake-up call. And the girl seriously impressed me today with a detailed project proposal and knowing the basics of Adam Smith’s economic and political theories. So–better than I expected, and not as good as I’d hoped.
My last day at my crap retail job is tomorrow! Yay! I was deeply amused to learn that I was the subject of gossip for the first time at work, though I had to roll my eyes quite a bit at what some people thought the issue was. There was actually some active hostility in there too, which surprised me. I still don’t have anything lined up, but I’ll be okay.
I’m also officially going on vacation at the end of June! I set aside the money for it last year, but I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get the time to go. And, well, if I have anything, I have time. I’m flying to Dublin and then going up to Belfast to visit friends and such for a week. I had to downscale some of my plans because I couldn’t afford to do everything I wanted and I’m staying in a dorm room rather than a hotel with beds that are actually comfortable (I used to live in those dorms, I ought to know about bed comfort) for most of my holiday, but I’m thrilled anyway. I renewed my passport last year and I’ve been itching to use it for ages now.
Toasties – favorite places to visit in Dublin? I made a day trip down there once with a friend but I know we missed a lot. I’ll be staying overnight there, so what should I see?
The Dublin Writers Museum! I’ve only spent ~1.5 days in Dublin, and on the last day, my friend and I stumbled into the museum and stayed there until closing. (I didn’t get to finish my way through the collection. But one day…) It’s only about two rooms large but utterly, utterly absorbing!
Ooh, I’d forgotten about that museum! I’d wanted to go when I was there before but we either didn’t get there in time or it wasn’t open that day. Adding that one to the list…
I just wanted to post a thanks to everyone who gave me advice about my Asheville trip last weekend! It turned out really awesome.
My boyfriend and I got a late start on Saturday – but it was for a good reason! We found an apartment in a big house – and it’s really great! The landlord seems to be an actual decent person, not an exploitative rental company, and it has a huge backyard and the only other tenants are an older hippie lady and a cute family with a cute little boy and a cute dog to boot! We ended up signing the lease that morning. After that, we set off and drove to the New River Gorge in West Virginia and camped there over night – it was gorgeous. We drove the rest of the way to Asheville the next day.
Our AirBnb was adorable and we had a great time looking around the River Arts District and going to Wedge Brewing (a great recommend from the Toast!) We then went downtown (and it was INCREDIBLY jammed), but we went to the used bookstore/champagne bar, as well as Sante Wine Bar (highly recommend the cheese plate), One World Brewing (very cute and not jammed unlike the rest of town), and finished the night on the patio at Foggy Mountain Brewpub. We wanted to go to French Broad Chocolates but there was a comically long line and they made people line up outside, even though the cafe was basically empty, as if we were going to a nightclub?! Very bizarre. Anyways, we had a great time and all the best places were recommended here, so thanks again!
ONE WORLD! I love it there.
We’re having our monthly work cookout today, and I’m pretty excited about that. There have been ribs going on the smoker outside all day, and I’m making black bean burgers (with grilled eggplant!), so it should be pretty cool.
It was my birthday on Tuesday, which is also the usual night for drinks with a friends-group, so it became my birthday celebration. The bartender comped me one of my drinks because he’s cool (and pours quite heavily, which is another great thing about him), and a friend bought me a drink, so I wound up having four drinks and only paying for two, which was great! And with my shitty alcohol tolerance, I got as drunk as I could get and still enjoy the experience. Hooray! And I received a bottle of very nice gin.
Oh, and one of the former office dogs is going to a new forever home tomorrow! I miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiss them.
Happy Birthday! You deserve the very best gin.
toast I was away for months and months, did you miss me? I missed you! I am BACK and securely enough ensconced in my fancy new job that I am no longer afraid to do some bullshit internet commenting in between my extremely difficult and stressful paid labors. bet you anything I will be sorry for this later. I am also fully orphaned now and have been for some months, but do not worry, I am not going to talk about it other than to say that I am flaunting my moral superiority over everybody with living parents whenever it seems apt to win me an argument or relieve my feelings a little. It also helps me to feel shameless about my new status as a corporate sell-out because I have had some misfortunes and am therefore immune from criticism. speaking of that, sure, I am not improving the world very much but let me tell you a secret about selling out, youngsters: the thing about trading away all your hopes and dreams and principles and a great deal of your time is that in return for all of those things, they give you money.
like it won’t be long before I own a bed for the first time in my life. can you even imagine that.
Oooookay all in one day a coworker I am actually reasonably friendly with has started a complaint with “this is gonna sound so racist, but” AND (separate complaint) ranted at me about how unfair it is that Dumbledore is gay and she refuses to believe it. We are gonna have to have Words soon.
Dumbledore is a fictional character. If it’s a problem, can’t she just imagine it away?
I think that’s her strategy? It’s more that she feels the need to complain to me about “everything being gay now” because YA books occasionally contain gay characters.
You should tell her you are gay now.
I’m in the process of convincing myself that asexual & aromantic is close enough for it not to be a lie. If that fails, there’s always my sister, who’s asexual and biromantic.
Toasties, thank you so much for your support last week. It was so beautifully overwhelming and I’m just really glad to be knowing you AWESOMELY awesome people. This week has been good and bad – mostly bad but I’m starting to not believe my parents, which is good. I’m still depressed, I’m still crying every day, and I wanted to kill myself (again), but it’s not as concrete. IT WILL GET BETTER. I SHALL GO ONWARDS WITH THIS TUMULTUOUS JOURNEY THAT IS LIFE AND BE A WARRIOR. On that note, how has your week been?
Oh, good, glad to see you! I was just wondering if you’d turn up here. Glad things are starting to go somewhat better for you.
Thanks so much for checking in on me! How was the birthday party?
It was super fun. Delicious and beautiful cocktails and snacks, awesome people. The next day we saw Mad Max and then on Monday we went to the science museum to catch the exhibit about Pompeii before it left. It was a hella busy weekend and I’m still tired, but it was good.
I’m glad you’re still here!
I am – thanks Fringe! How are you?
Not bad – I was actually having a really good couple of weeks mental-health-wise, and then I got sick, so I lost all my motivation again. But! I think I’m actually getting better, and soon I may well be able to sleep all the way through the night without waking myself up coughing, and then I will be able to finally start the furniture refinishing project that I had to put off until it was nice out.
And you’re eating okay, yeah? It will – just a lot of warm drinks and stuff are good to go. My best friend has a glass of hot milk with a bit of whiskey in it, she says it helps her sleep well. That’s great! What furniture?
Yeah, eating’s mostly fine, lots of applesauce and jello. My long-term goal is to refinish a super-cute wicker-top table that one of my neighbors left out by the dumpster last year and that they were apparently keeping plants on because it’s not in great shape, but first I want to try a really simple table that I also found out by the dumpster last year (it was a really good spring for dumpster shopping), because I haven’t really done anything like this since I was a kid helping my dad out.
You’re so strong to get past the messages your parents have been loading onto you. You are worthy of respect and kindness and compassion, you are worthy of better treatment, and it’s is just a shame if you’re not getting it at home. You are worthy.
My week has been up and down, since you ask, but it’s better seeing you here, so resilient and powerful! (It is also okay not to feel resilient and powerful, and it will still be good to see you if sometimes you don’t feel that way.)
Thank you, Elsa! I’m so glad to have friends like you – I don’t feel a whole lot confident but I know I can get by with a bit of help. Hopefully your week has been more up than down? What happened?
Glad that you checked in, and especially glad that you’re beginning to tune out what Anne Lamott calls radio station KFKD (now broadcasting live in stereo, apparently). Tiny steps forward will get you where you’re going, so don’t give up. There’s a whole loaf of newly-crisped bread rooting for you.
KFKD, that’s hilarious.
I’m glad to see you again! Keep on keeping on.
I gotta say, though: the stuff you’re dealing with right now is objectively difficult. As in, if a 30-year-old wrote that she was being abused at home, sexually assaulted at work, crying all the time, thinking about suicide and making a great exit plan to college (that’s a good exit plan, don’t get me wrong), I’d be really worried.
I admire your determination. I also used “get into college” as a goal to get myself out of a really bad situation, so I know what that fire feels like.
There might be some decompression, though. I sometimes think about the illness that divers get when they rise to the surface too fast. There’s a huuuuge Western mythology around starting over, creating yourself out of “nothing” (like your earlier life is nothing), pioneering, having a personal creation myth. So many famous people have those creation myths – artists, celebrities, scientists, politicians. “I came from poverty, from a small town, from an abusive family, and I went to the City, to Hollywood, to college, or was discovered by a wizard, and that’s when I created myself as an inventor, a singer, a leader out of nothing but my dreams.”
I had been told my entire life that everything would be fine when I got into [next school year / middle school / high school], and the media was full of books and films and personal accounts where the solution to the main character’s problem was to move to another city, become older, switch schools or get into college, because that allowed them to start over and re-create themselves.
Cue my surprise when 1) that didn’t happen for me (I should have watched the movies where the hero’s past catches up with them instead) and 2) it turned out that most adults actually know that moving to a new city usually DOESN’T mean that the past stays behind. Actually, the first time someone ever told me that that wasn’t how it works was when I posted something like “I just need to get out of this town” on a Toast-like tiny feminist website. I realised at once that she probably was right (in my case, she was!), and I felt betrayed by getting a lifetime of bad advice.
So, I’m not saying that COLLEGE WILL BE RUINED, because it probably won’t (even though that’s usually what happens in “someone’s past catches up” stories). Even if your memories and emotions do catch up with you, that doesn’t necessarily mean absolute disaster (and we can overcome disasters too – breaking doesn’t mean staying broken forever). Possible reactions could be something like needing to process this over and over with friends and counselors, sometimes acting out in ways that surprise you, feeling different, having really weird feelings whenever someone has a great family/life, avoiding memories or conversations about certain things, rushing into college life and enjoy yourself like you’re running away, or any other reaction. None of these reactions are inherently dangerous or bad, it’s just work, emotional work. It could feel so horrible you have a hard time staying in school, but it could also be manageable enough that you can keep up with the coursework and enjoy your new life. But there will probably be SOME kind of reaction SOMETIME, and I want to give you a heads-up, just like my older awesome feminist did for me.
Either way, you have your community here, and maybe you join the ranks of a people who carry a colourful mixture of the sane and the insane, who rarely walk in a straight line but move from side to side, taking strange detours, sometimes straying off the path and heading into the woods. And if that should happen, that’s not necessarily a bad way to be.
There’s a grain of truth in the creation myths – we can’t create a god out of clay, but we usually can create a better life out of a bad experience. You’re right to call yourself a warrior. You’re on a difficult path, and you are your own hero. Every new morning is a victory.
I think neuromanticism’s advice is good. However, I want to augment with my own experience. I was also a suicidal teen living with emotionally abusive parents. I lived for the future. A future that provided a way out of that house, a job that would pay my rent where my name is on the lease. Getting into college was an essential step toward that goal.
For a teen, leaving the parental home is truly a new beginning. Yes, your past does come with you. But it is a powerful change to suddenly be free of abuse and to feel safe in a home of your own for the first time.
And neuromanticism is correct. Your past must be accounted for, once you feel free and safe. You will have to learn how to live in the present. And how to plan for a future that extends decades, a future you never could imagine when you could not be sure you would survive the current week. And you must learn your way out of habits that were necessary for childhood survival but are now deadly for adult social interaction.
It is hard work. But hell, freakyteeth, you can do anything if you can survive your childhood. You are the strongest of warriors.
After the link post and Addy bit I almost feel like there should be an American Girl reminiscence thread. It’s not hard for me to do. There is a reason I am a history major and it is eighteen inches tall with bright blue eyes that open and close and beautiful blonde hair, etc. And a spoon bag.
In my proposal for my grant to research an 1850s naval expedition I wrote something along the lines of ‘I have always had an interest in the period.’ Translation: I had a Kirsten doll.
I have two – the original run Samantha, and the Girl of Today that was supposed to look like me (GT12!). Except with my Girl of Today…well…the color kinda sank out of one of her eyes. I know I probably could send her to the doll hospital, but I don’t want to risk it…so she’s just got a demonic possession or something going on. In one eye.
My favorite stories were Molly’s. My mother got me Samantha because she has a thing for Victorian things and I…just didn’t care about her that much? I far preferred…well…anyone else, really. Samantha’s stories were all “wah I’m rich but Nellie isn’t” and I just couldn’t relate at all.
Oh man, I obsessed over the catalog when I was a kid (and up until Mattel bought them and everything went to crap). When I was 10 or so, one of my close friends got one and I was desperate for my own. When Christmas rolled around and no American Girl doll appeared, my sister and I saved up our allowances and bought them ourselves: I got Felicity since the Revolutionary War was my favorite historic period (and, growing up in Mass, that was pretty much all we learned about in school). But I loooooved Addy – I think her books were my favorite because she was so brave and strong, and she overcomes extraordinary adversity. I was saving up to buy her when my friends and I decided that we were too old for dolls. But I still collected those damn catalogs.
I have two- a girl of today (who looks eerily exactly like me- hazel eyes, red-brown hair; from the first edition of GOT dolls) and a Jess (one of the girl of the year dolls). It took my parents forever to realize that I wasn’t going to give up wanting an AG doll (they’re expensive!) so I didn’t get mine until I was 11. I’m 30 now and I still love those stupid dolls. A few years ago I went to meet Valerie Tripp at the American Girl store in NYC and she was so nice. Molly and Felicity were my favorites but I love(d) Samantha’s clothes the most.
BOO HISS I have to leave for a meeting. Sorry to skip out earlier than usual on OT.
I can’t. I tried. But I just can’t go on without you. I’m out for the day, too. Have a good weekend!
Things to look forward to: I have a friend who just moved into my area with an adorable dog only a little bigger than MY adorable dog, so we are going to FORCE THEM TO BE FRIENDS DAMN IT.
Less fun things- DUDES. Why, dudes?! Just…why? After some particularly frustrating Dude Experiences, my fiance and I started brainstorming subtle curses for them. Favorites include:
May you step on a lego every day for the rest of your life.
May your most annoying elderly relative appear and embarrass you every time you are trying to hit on a girl.
May your tattoos have misspellings.
May you develop male pattern baldness in the shape of a penis.
I super wish I had magic powers.
Houston-area Toasts, were we going to have a Flood Pictures thread? Here’s mine:
My street, which flooded enough to completely cover the sidewalks but not enough to come up the two steps to my front door. (That’s where it was when I got up an hour or so after the rain had stopped, anyway — it may have gotten higher overnight — but either way, no one on our street had water in the house. A couple folks’ cars got flooded, though.) Also, in the background at roof level, you can see no one going anywhere on 610.
That’s way more dramatic than my house. Somehow the drainage project designed to keep water from overflowing the I-10 feeder road by me worked, and all the water flowed straight past my street (dragging a lot of trash bins along with it) & flooded my neighbors a few blocks south, instead.
Here’s my sister’s street – behind my niece is White Oak Bayou (normally several feet below that tree line in the background) – beside her is a pocket park that drops steeply down into a ravine. The car behind her was underwater.
Hmm, I can’t see the picture! I saw some of the flooding around White Oak on the news, though.
I’m glad you guys didn’t flood! Ours wasn’t really that high-drama; I took the photo facing the more flooded direction, so you can’t see that it was already totally dry at the other end of my block, and the whole street had drained by about 10:30. We did have news helicopters circling over us all day, though — I live right inside the southwest corner of 610, so those cars in the background of my photo really are stuck, you may have seen some of them on the news TURNING AROUND and going the wrong way back to try and get to an exit.
Here is what my part of Austin was like before the storm headed your way: https://vid.me/7yGy
Not more than 2 hours later that water was back to its normal dog park state…
Okay, so, bit of a weird thing: Ever since I was sexually abused by my Physics teacher, I’ve been having nightmares with the SAME situation but with DIFFERENT older men I know. Is that normal? Do you know if it’s gonna go away? Will I ever feel safe with a guy?
I’m so sorry, that sounds hard, but you will get through this.
This is SO NOT PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVICE, but: y’know, I can see that as a reasonable reaction for your imagination to produce. It could just be your mind running through scenarios in which it ponders people in your life with similar attributes or positions of relative power and putative respectability, testing the possibilities and assessing imagined threats, even if they seem implausible.
But if you have access to a counselor, this is a great time to go to one and talk through the experience or aftermath of your assault. It’s terrible to be alone in this stuff, and getting it out in the open, even with one trusted advisor, can lance that boil.
That ACTUALLY makes sense. I’d never thought about that before. The problem is, one of the men that I see is our family friend and he’s gonna be my emergency contact in college. I don’t know how to wipe away that image from my brain, even though it doesn’t exist.
I should. If I put it off more it might get worse.
Find someone who knows EMDR. (My acupuncturist copied me an instructional dvd). It’s a weird physical-centered way of retraining your brain when you get into these PTSD repetitive loops. I needed it after I left my abusive husband. COUNSELING IS IMPORTANT–my son thought college would fix everything, too. I really should have made sure that he had a regular counseling schedule in place. 6 years out I only get the nightmares once or twice a year, but they still really screw with my head. I’m so grateful they’ve gotten so rare, though
ALSO, I NEED HELP BUYING A NEW LAPTOP. WHAT DO YOU GUYS HAVE?
I have an 6 year old mac book pro. I love it. Pricey, but worth it, imho. I bought it to replace a 10 year old ibook.
I read reviews at PCWorld to get a good handle on what’s available and what might be best for me.
A rule of thumb: Buy the best, most current technology you can afford. That is, decide first how much you’re going to spend. Then spend all of it on whatever gives you the biggest bang for those bucks. This rule came about because technology changes so rapidly that anything you buy will be surpassed in a few months.
Lenovo X130! Aka, the tiny extra-sturdy model made for schoolchildren. This is important for me, because my number one laptop need is that it does not break when I drop it.
I am not very kind to technology, and this little guy has held up well. It looks like it’s from 1998, but it runs decently and is pretty cheap to boot!
I have an ASUS Transformer. Very small, very lightweight, converts from a laptop to a tablet. Not the best for intense writing, though.
Right now I’m mostly using a Chromebook and trying out the Office online stuff. With an extra monitor it’s a surprisingly workable solution.
For windows based machines I’ve had a few workhorse Dells that have been pretty good value for the money.
Lenovo T430 and Lenovo X120e. Get a Lenovo. They are great.
SOLIDARITY. I’ve been thinking of having bloodwork done to check my hormone levels. I know I should be exercising more, but I’ve been eating so much better, and I eat so much healthier than my partner, and somehow I’ve gone up 3 sizes in the past year. every time I get into a routine my back goes out or I pull a muscle (in stupid gardening accidents). But I feel okay and my cholesterol is good… I just hate having to buy new clothes.
Sorry I don’t have any advice, but it’s good to know that I’m not the only one struggling.
I know people who have been really happy with cutting out sugar/carbs and doing strength training, though.
(This is in reply to winterbymorning)
Any Toasties in Honolulu? I’m about to move there and I know no one. I am moving for work.
I missed the open thread as I am on vacation. But I think my reasons are justified:
GLORIOUS! Can you share where you are? It looks heavenly.
We are in Miami though this photo was taken a few days ago in Key West 🙂
I’m late to the thread so maybe I will try this another week too but…
Anyone want to talk about Myers-Briggs personality types??? I rediscovered them the other day and am once again fascinated. What type are you? Does it fit you? Do you think the whole thing is bunk?
I get a different result every time I take the test. Super adaptable people (I’ve lived in 10 states, so lots of adaptation forced on me) don’t respond as predicted on those kinds of tests. So I don’t give them much weight.
That explains it!
Are…are you the Uber-Type? The Long-Awaited One??
You made me laugh out loud! Thanks for that. No, nothing special here. I can type myself pretty well within the M-B rubric, just looking at the “definitions”. But as far as an employer is concerned, I’m useful in most of the categories, including those outside of my “type”. I just find I can answer most test questions multiple ways and all responses remain true, depending on the task it applies to, combined with mood, etc.
ahhh ok I see what you mean.
And I’m glad you laughed, better than a groan for sure. 🙂
Neat! I also get a different result every time, and I’ve always wished I could be like one of those “omg I am such an INFJ” or whatever people but now I feel a little cooler for being an uncategorizable enigma type.
I continue to get INFP every time I take the test, which has been maybe 5 times over the last 10 years? I think it’s pretty descriptive of how I feel, but I don’t obsess over it. Although the other day I read one about how you relate to your workplace based on M-B and it described exactly why I hate talking on the phone: “Most of this comes down to good communication, which INFPs prefer to conduct in person, for that personal touch, or in writing, where they can compose and perfect their statements. People with the INFP personality type avoid using phones if they can, having the worst of both worlds, being both detached and uncomposed.”
I’m an INFJ, and similarly find some of the descriptors very true of me, especially regarding relationships.
I waffle between ISTJ and ISFJ. But I somewhat recently discovered that my mother in law had me pegged as an ESTP for who knows what reason. It’s actually amazing how much that simple correction improved our relationship
For me the whole love-languages thing acts in a similar way: once you ‘label’ someone it can help a lot to understand why they do what they do.
I WANT TO BELONG SO BADLY but they never fit.
I think there should be a type that is “doesn’t fit one type”. 🙂
have you seen the harry potter // myers brigg matching thing?? i am either lily or dumbledore, esfj or enfj, and i strongly identify with both of them. my best friends are decidedly malfoy and luna, which i also find endlessly funny.
no idea about whether it is actually bunk, but i find it so fun to think about!
Ohh this sounds like a lot of fun!! Lupin is my fave, I hope I’m Lupin.
i have no idea how to imbed photos, but here is a link– http://geekologie.com/2013/09/17/harry-potter-per…
I am Lupin!!!!!!! 😀
Uh, my boss made us all take that test at work. I got the INTJ type which is supposed to mean I’m a criminal mastermind. Great thing to tell your boss. But I enjoyed this: http://the-toast.net/2014/11/10/sorry-murdered-ev…
Great, now I’ve got another medical condition that I am going to be worried I have until Monday when I can ask the folks at the work caf if they use iodized salt or not….
: P
(in response to ginkgotree and houblonchouffe and grrrr semi-misthreading comments)
So, as previously mentioned, I applied this week to a position at American Girl. As also previously mentioned, I am unlikely to be considered for the position based on limited experience. However, I am shocked at how giddy the mere application made me feel. Last year, I had a baby and relocated for my husband’s job, and I have been a SAHM since. My son is now 14 months. He is still not sleeping through the night, and he awakes at 5:20 each morning, so I’m still not exactly firing on all cylinders. I would have the luxury/privilege or remaining a SAHM if I wanted. I thought I was not eager to return to work, but maybe I am? Provided it is a job I am not qualified for?
Toasties! Just popping in to say that it’s my birthday, and I’m having some friends over in a couple of hours — and, Elsa Is Emily, I’m totally trying out your asparagus/prosciutto recipe. Will report back on how my guests like it!
Other plans for the weekend: I might go see Mad Max, I’m going to try to watch the sun perfectly align with the NYC street grid tomorrow, and on Sunday I’m finally going to check out New York’s first ever cat cafe. (If I manage to snap any good pictures of the cats, I’ll post them in next week’s cat thread.)
Happy birthday! Your birthday weekend plans sound amazing!
Okay I found a patient advocate phone number at the place, so I have a start.
And I am also a big believer in growth and change. Really, I am. But if he had grown past this, he’d have been the first person to repudiate it. The basic process of making amends is acknowledge the wrong and take action to correct the wrong. Preferably before it becomes obvious that you’re doing it to waive away a political problem. What could he say for here that wouldn’t be hollow and calculated?
Sorry to be so wordy about this; there are some phrases that are just bopping around in my head now. I want him to face the kind of consequence that he should have had to face then. But obviously didn’t because macho misogyny was so deeply a part of the culture.
That said, the very beautiful thing about democracy is we all get to weigh what gets under our skin most. I have some issues with Hillary’s record too. We never do get the perfect candidate, so it’s always going to be a balancing game.
Disqus error! This was in response to the thread about this article [trigger warning for sexual violence] by Bernie Sanders: http://www.shakesville.com/2015/05/on-bernie-sand…
You don’t need to apologize for a second. I clearly need to think on this. And when you put it like that, slightly upthread, I totally agree with you. I just hope that there’s a possibility that he doesn’t agree with his 1972-self and is able to properly articulate that in a meaningful way–but you’re probably right, if he had, that would have come across already.
To be completely honest, I hadn’t read past the first few lines until just now–was doing it for self-preservation. But now I’m remembering what the first I heard about it was, in an MPR interview, and they described it as a piece pushing back against limiting gender roles–and I do see that in these lines:
“Their qualities of love, openness, and gentleness were too deeply enmeshed with qualities of dependency, subservience, and masochism. How do you love—without being dependent? How do you be gentle—without being subservient? How do you maintain a relationship without giving up your identity and without getting strung out? How do you reach out and give your heart to your lover, but maintain the soul which is you?
And Men. Men are in pain too. They are thinking, wondering. What is it they want from a woman? Are they at fault? Are they perpetrating this man-woman situation? Are they oppressors?”
So, VERY POORLY WRITTEN, and some clearly horrible metaphors (do they count as metaphors?), but kind of typical of early-stage dude feminism? Maybe? I’m reaching.
But this is what I listened to, which has colored my understanding of the piece: http://www.mprnews.org/story/2015/05/29/bcst-bern… (the question on this is the last one, so you have to get through the first 10 minutes and I can’t figure out how to skip ahead through the stuff on taxes/the environment/populism etc). He says it’s “pretty poorly and stupidly written…trying to deal with gender stereotypes in the 1970s. Why is it that women have to be so powerful & women have to be so weak & submissive?…It was written very poorly.”
So that’s still not an apology.
Ah! Well I haven’t read the whole piece, because I started and did find it very triggering, which for me means dissociative episodes, which means I kind of couldn’t read the whole thing even if I wanted to because there’s a static fuzz out mechanism in my brain. It’s like, this kinda helpful friend who knocks food out of your hands because they know you are allergic. So I am probably the worst person to do a textual analysis, but also textual analysis is what I trained to do in school, so I can’t resist.
Here’s the deal. The answer to this question: “Are they [men] the oppressors?” Is yes. In the context he was writing in [America 1972] the answer was a ringing, definitive yes. If an author posits the position, no or maybe women are their own oppressors or hey it takes two to tango or hey babe why do you stick around then, is in fact advancing a misogynistic, patriarchal position.
I’m also lucky enough to have an example of what an actual feminist ally in the 1970s looked like, because my dad was a feminist in that era. What it looked like was showing up at a lot of rallies and reading a lot of that wave of feminist literature and listening more than speaking. It looked like consider what sort of language would be hurtful and counter productive and violent to women, and then … not using that language. Feminist allies then were basically held up to the same standard they are now. Consider how condescending and unhelpful every “women, why are you guys still making less money? Didn’t anyone ever tell you you have to negotiate?” Now up those stakes dramatically. Anyone who makes the victim shoulder even some of the blame is doing active harm.
That said, I could totally see having a cup of tea and trying to wade through this to see if there is some redeeming feature. Because I really would like to be able to talk about this future, especially because I shall be sending it to my friends who lean Sanders. And I’d like to be able to debate, because that’s my very favorite hobby, especially because I really do firmly believe that you can differ on things and still be good friends.
Oh boy discus is acting up and I can’t properly respond so I hope this works. I sincerely apologize for quoting the piece when you were trying to avoid it; I hope it didn’t trigger anything. I absolutely agree about active harm and etc; I don’t know if it would be useful to wade through it, but I’d love to see what you come up with if you find the fortitude to do so (slash would be more than happy to be bounced off of with ideas etc; I did some textual analysis once upon a time too, though I’m a tad rusty). Thank you for engaging with me on this.
Oh yeah! No problem. I’m well steeped in therapy and very, very good about taking care of myself when I need to disengage.
I’m happy to go back and forth on this subject because I do find it fascinating, like how do you disentangle the intent from what’s stated? How can you accept when someone has good intent but bad execution (which I honestly don’t think is the case here “A man goes home and masturbates his typical fantasy. A woman on her knees, a woman tied up, a woman abused.
A woman enjoys intercourse with her man—as she fantasizes being raped by 3 men simultaneously.” …..(0.o)…..) and bad intent and bad execution?
It’s an interesting question, because I really do believe that we’re all imperfect and then sort of working in good faith towards being the best that we can be. Most people anyway. But then I also think that there are some who believe that people who are unlike them are less worthy of consideration and respect. And I fear that someone who thinks that a) all women have rape fantasies or that b) rape fantasies make someone lesser than or subservient might be in that camp. At the very least, someone who thinks that making light of women who are navigating a minefield of sexual violence and culturally imposed roles is a productive thing to do gets a whole lot of suspicion in my book.
To be honest, I dove back in and there was some element of men suffer too, but the conclusion didn’t seem to be that men suffer from the patriarchy, but rather from women playing head games and being skittish because “right now where my head is I balk at even the slightest suspicion of that kind of demand”. Which seems to suggest that the woman’s reluctance to step into the role is a passing fancy or whim. That bugs me too. Obviously not as much as the dichotomy of men and their so-called violent fantasies versus women and their subconscious desire to be raped (both of which I think are pernicious lies from that era).
Overall, the whole thing, now that I’ve had a chance to engage with a bit more distance and like, pauses, is not what I would expect from someone who had actual progressive views.
And, to be real, this is just so condescending that I want to slap him: “Women, for their own preservation, are trying to pull themselves together. And it’s necessary for all of humanity that they do so.” Fuck him for putting it that way. The women who died for the cause, the women who were force fed in prison for the right to vote, the women like my grandmother who never stopped showing up to work, despite the constant harassment, were not “pulling themselves together” they were trying to topple disrespectful assholes just like him who would mock and belittle and laugh, certain that these problematic women would never pose an actual threat.
Hello!!! Longtime lurker, first time toast-posting! I wanted to get things started with a picture of my rabbit asleep in my bed (super cute y’all) but I can’t seem to figure it out! Any tips so that I might share some pretty cute rabbit pics with you all? Thanks!
Hi toastfriend! You have to upload your picture somewhere else and then post it here. I usually use imgur because it’s easy.
Go to imgur.com
Create an account if you want, you don’t have to, but if you do you will be able to find your uploaded pictures again
Upload your picture
Once it’s uploaded, on the left side of the picture will be a bunch of ways you can link to the picture. You want to embed it here, so you want the HTML option. They call it “HTML (website / blogs)”
There’s a sample of the code there, you can just copy it and then paste it here.
The important part is the part that says [ img src=”the url to your photo” ] (but with [ and ] replaced with < and > ). That’s the part that makes the photo embed. The part that says [ a href=”blah blah” ] (again with the replacing) just makes it so that the photo is also a link to the imgur page. You can leave that part out if you like. Or you can ignore this paragraph entirely, and just stop at the pasting step, above. 🙂
SO late to the game but i just got a BULLSHIT parking ticket and i have no real way to contest it and i’m FUMING
in spite i have LEFT my car there with the ticket on it
let us hope my spite does not bite me in the ass
I’M SO MAD I PAID FOR THAT PARKING, I LEFT MY COZY COFFEE SHOP TO GO REPARK THE STUPID CAR
Just a note: when your kid is playing minecraft and they ask about obsidian, don’t tell them it’s a volcanic rock. They don’t care. Also, don’t tell them the true meaning of spawn.
Minecraft is 100% how I relate to my nieces and nephews. It’s wonderful. But yes, they are pretty uninterested in the details.
Depends on the ages of the kid. Minecraft came out when my oldest boy was 14ish? and a science geek? They spent hours trying to build electrical circuits and elaborate working machines. Mine are more likely to explain to me the difference between the minecraft substance and the real one, at length.
I just bought a bottle of Atelier Cedrat Enivrant for summer, but I just got my hands on a decant of Aedes de Venustas Palissandre d'Or, and oh my fucking god that one is now on my top ten list.
I do not do most of this, because I AM AN OLD WOMAN WHICH (often) GIVES ME THE SUPERPOWER OF INVISIBILITY!
But I have always scanned subway/"el" train cars for other women before I board when I am traveling alone late at night. I still do that. Being old and invisible does not prevent harassment entirely, I have recently discovered to my chagrin.
You should tell her you are gay now.
Lenovo T430 and Lenovo X120e. Get a Lenovo. They are great.
In High School, I was always miffed that there was nobody interesting (read: celebrity) born on my 9/14 birthday, until my protofeminist friend gave me the scoop on Margaret Sanger. BOOM!
Of course, now I have Sam Neill and Amy Winehouse, so go figure.
Oh, also, Francis Scott Key wrote what would become “The Star Spangled Banner,” so there’s always that. Plus golf’s first recorded hole-in-one, the first recorded death by automobile in the U.S., and on my _actual_ birthday, the discovery of Leda, 13th satellite of Jupiter!
I just saw that the American Vice-President’s son died of brain cancer. The article said he lost his wife and child in a car accident in ’72, now he’s lost his son. That’s a lot of tragedy, poor man.
I'm way late to this and am looking forward to reading all the responses here but oh man, the 'too sensitive' thing drives me up a wall. I have so many deal breakers and I should probably have fewer, but the 'too sensitive' thing, along with telling me to 'lighten up' are both way up there.
See also: anyone who has only known me for a short period of time and who will ascribe motives to me and try to assume things about my behavior (and then tell me about these assumptions as though they are facts). <– That's actually probably the biggest one: whenever people don't allow themselves to really get to know me, but rather try and tell me who I am. I will shut them out fast and I will not regret it.
Even if it's not directed at me
When I was growing up/living with my parents my mom never seemed to get this. Which like, I get that she has the right to get angry, but she really never understood my complaint that she yelled so much and whether or not it was at me (which of course sometimes it was) it was still really upsetting to be around. That level of instability, where you come home and have no idea what mood someone's going to be in or what will trigger/has triggered them to get angry or super upset about something, is hard to live with, even if she definitely did have the right to be upset and have those feelings and that she was suffering herself.
I've had a few acquaintances in the recent past who did this, especially relating to my job search. It's such a transparent, passive aggressive thing, and I had absolutely no time for it. These are people who try and make other people feel bad to make themselves feel better, and that is an unacceptable way for an adult to behave, IMO.
Agree with all of these. I'm also an introvert/non-driver/not really a drinker, and so many of my deal breakers really have to do with other people's inability to accept that I am different from them in some way that might be slightly out of the norm; it's that inability to actually accept that someone is different from you, I think; that's where the "BUT WHYYYYY?" stuff comes from, and it's just like, seriously, you don't have to hang out with me, but don't think I'm going to accept such immediate criticism of my life choices and decisions just because you're closed-minded.
Right? Seriously.
Sure 🙂 🙂
if you decide to get your own place and not just room with someone, i say apply to a million jobs and see where you land. i've moved local and i've moved cross country. moving always sucks. if you're gonna do, i say do it for a job you really want.
Incredible employment here. I truly appreciated what you needed to say. Continue going on the grounds that you unquestionably convey another voice to this subject. Relatively few individuals would say what you’ve said and still make it intriguing