The Martyrdom Of Saint Sebastian, In Ascending Order Of Sexiness And Descending Order Of Actual Martyring

by Mallory Ortberg · June 17, 2015

Let me clue you in on a great little secret about paintings of saints and martyrs: it’s a long-standing excuse to paint Babes. You know how Renaissance artists were always like, “It’s VERY historically important that I paint this naked babe with a swan that looks like a dick growing out of a snowdrift so that posterity never forgets the importance of Leda for…for Iliad reasons”? Same thing with martyrs, a lot of the time, and the same thing only more so and especially for our pal Saint Sebastian.

Sebastian was martyred under the persecution of Diocletian in the late third century. Weirdly, despite the fact that he was probably clubbed to death, he is almost always depicted as having been shot to death with arrows. He is also almost always depicted as a Terminal Babe, often at the expense of looking like he is actually dying.

But the best part about Saint Sebastian is that he became a stealth gay icon in the 1800s due to his A) babeliness and B) arrow wounds.

The earliest gay icon may have been Saint Sebastian, a Christian saint and martyr, whose combination of strong and shirtless physique, symbolic arrow-pierced flesh and rapturous look of pain have intrigued artists, both gay and straight, for centuries and began the first explicitly gay cult in the nineteenth century. Journalist Richard A. Kaye wrote, “Contemporary gay men have seen in Sebastian at once a stunning advertisement for homosexual desire (indeed, a homoerotic ideal), and a prototypical portrait of tortured closet case.”

I have no quarrel with this. It works for me. But way before Uranians adopted him as their favorite red-lipped boy, artists all over Europe were emphasizing the babeliness of Saint Sebastian’s almost-discarded toga over the horribly gruesome death they were supposedly painting. The cuter the saint, the milder the death.

Screen Shot 2015-06-16 at 8.01.14 PM

This is what I expect to see when I look at a painting titled “The Martyrdom of Saint Sebastian,” you know? I know what I’m getting into if something’s called “The Garden Of Fleshly Delights” or “An Afternoon With The Lotus-Eaters” or “Venus and Literally Anyone,” but I see the word “martyrdom” and I expect to see a dour, fully-clothed saint pointing angrily at heaven. And this painting delivers on that promise.

sebastian6

Also good! People are actually shooting at him, with arrows, and he looks unhappy about that. Or, at least, sort of put out.

“Mallory, that seems like a really low bar for judging these paintings?” WAIT AND SEE, MY FRIEND.

sebastian12

Leaving aside the fact that this Saint Sebastian has exactly one arrow in him, and it is in his leg, it’s not bad. Most of his pelvis is covered, he has a generally “dead” quality to him that I found particularly effective, and his face isn’t shining like he just fellated a tube of coral lipstick.

sebastian7

“They couldn’t possibly get more outlandish, he’s in a bulging diaper –” WAIT FOR IT.

sebastian13

Here is where we get into one of my favorite poses, the “Dancing Sebastian.” He’s been roughed up a bit, but he is also clearly about to launch into a tidy little two-step.

sebastian9

There’s nude and there’s nude, you know? There’s “this person happens to be naked” and there’s “LOOK AT HOW NAKED THIS PERSON IS.” The little bundle of cloth draped carelessly but also exactly on his dick belongs solidly to the “LOOK AT HOW NAKED HE IS” category.

sebastian5

WHY DID YOU PAINT A CHILD’S FACE ON THE SWOLEST BODY IN THIS PICTURE

sebastian3

This Saint Sebastian does not bleed, but he does have incredible calf definition, and is conveniently bound to the tree in exactly the spot men who are proud of their biceps get barbed-wire tattoos.

sebastian14

This one doesn’t even have any arrows in him, there aren’t any arrows even in the picture, he’s just falling over and not-wearing a beautiful crimson robe, he is just dying of HAVING A BEAUTIFUL PRE-RAPHAELITE MOUTH

sebastian8

This is the cover of a Smiths album

sebastian10

he is SUCKING IN HIS STOMACH and JUTTING OUT HIS HIPS, I adore how much he is not bleeding from his two shallow flesh wounds and how carefully he has been trimming his bikini zone

sebastian15

NOW HE IS HOLDING THE ARROWS HIMSELF AND MAKING CALF-EYES AT GOD

sebastian2

he is CHECKING OUT his own ARROW WOUND, that is depraved and I LOVE IT

sebastian1

good night guys

[Images via]

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120 Comments

  1. femaelstrom +154

    As far as ways to die go, “having a beautiful pre-Raphaelite mouth” isn’t bad. Sure beats “night brain,” at least.

  2. Mollie O'Reilly +283

    Pardon my Catholicsplaining BUT. St. Sebastian, so the story goes, was shot with arrows and — miraculously! — survived the attempt to execute him, only to later be clubbed to death. That’s part of what makes this such a good subject for religious painting that happens to involve admiring depictions of hot young men: it’s a painting of the time he suffered but DIDN’T die, like a saintly boss, so it’s totally OK to tone down the gore and emphasize his bod for, you know, devotional reasons.

    1. threatqualitypress +110

      Oh, yeah, I was about to say the same thing. He survived the arrows! That’s what makes it sexy.

    2. Sean_Sullivan +245

      One of those weirdly common cases where saintliness qualifies you for one (1) get-out-of-jail-free card. St. Catherine dodged the wheel only to die by the sword a few minutes later. St. Euphemia was immune to lions, but not bears. St. Peter, with typical Petrine lack of imagination, used up his get-out-of-jail card on actually getting out of jail.

      1. gloriana232 +94

        “St. Peter, with typical Petrine lack of imagination, used up his get-out-of-jail card on actually getting out of jail.”

        This is going to make me smile all day.

      2. builtahouse +47

        Peter, and that whole story, is my fave. Right down to the angel having to tell Peter “come ON, let’s GO,” and he still thinks he’s dreaming, and the “no no, that couldn’t be him” church members at the emergency prayer meeting. Despite all the supernatural occurrances, the people are just so real, you know?

        1. celery +41

          Yes! And the servant Rhoda who sees that it’s him knocking on the door and is so overcome with joy that she runs back to tell everyone *without letting Peter in* and leaving him just standing and knocking outside.

    3. bird_internet +46

      I’m a fan of the ones who did die, but returned to calmly sit for a painting while proudly displaying their gruesome injuries. St. Denis, St. Agatha, and St. Lucy are the best for this.

  4. deleted7541601 +93

    Here Sebastian appears to be thinking, “Oh you, with your arrows and all!”

    2. blizzard +20

      Sebas: Oh you, Are you sure you couldn’t find another means of expressing your affection than shooting me from a foot away with that bow? No? Fine then carry on. I’m gonna look as cute as I can don’t be distracted by my underwear.

    3. bottleredhead +26

      The dude shooting him is standing SO CLOSE. I mean, where is the sportsmanship?

    5. janekathy1 +10

      A little late, but gotta say, this one for the win for sexiest, no question. That bound right hand in wonderful BDSM style, Sebastian playing bored!brat with the displayed package and the daddy with the huge shoulder shape and enviable ass. Yeah, great scene! Except for the actual arrow-piercing. Talk about edge play.

  5. bird_internet +355

    My high-school art teacher told me that if you can’t think of a title for your non-representational painting, you should just call it “The Trials of St. Sebastian” and suddenly it’s ~Art~. I actually did that once, and I have a third-place ribbon from an Elks Club art contest to prove that it works.

  6. houblonchouffe +32

    So basically what you’re saying is that every magazine tailored to gay men has been inspired by #s 9,10, 11, and 13?

    I’m good with that.

  7. megalesias +72

    St. Sebastian!!

    I wrote my last ever college paper on the movie Sebastiane, which is pretty much the pinnacle of gay Sebastian, and also all of the dialogue is in Latin bc why not. It was pretty much my favorite.

    1. bird_internet +58

      Wow, that movie poster may actually be the gayest thing I’ve ever seen.

      2. megalesias +61

        oh yeah, Derek Jarman was not playing around.

        There’s like a 20 minute digression from the plot where two soldiers are just lying in the sun and water and lovingly caressing each other. None of them ever wear clothes even though theoretically they’re soldiers on the outskirts of civilization. According to IMDB it was the first ever non-porn film to show an erection. Sebastian is exiled for being ‘Christian’, but with a lot of monologuing about how beautiful and pure and blond and blue-eyed phoebus apollo is, and how he just needs to be out naked in the sun communing with his god all the time.
        And he’s also celibate, ofc, so he keeps rebuffing the (blond, blue-eyed, kind of sadist) garrison commander’s advances, which is what leads to the final penetration-by-arrows in the, uh, climax of the film.

        All in Latin, and set to music by Brian Eno. It’s soooo much.

          2. catmanscrothers +5

            Netflix!!! It’s been in my queue forever and I’ve been inspired to finally watch it today

      3. RuncibleSpoon +14

        so like, i read your comment before clicking the link and i went in expecting something pretty gay but…yeah this is way more awesomely and fully realized than anything i could possibly have imagined.

        netflix que TONIGHT!

    2. builtahouse +40

      WHOA.

      A reviewer said: “male nudes in various stages of ecstasy positively littered the screen.” obvs the dialogue is all in Latin in order to not distract you from the POINT of the movie, i.e.: boatloads of nudes.

    4. ru_ri +125

      Yes! Famous among Latinists (at least lowbrow ones like me) for the part where one guy calls another “Oedipe” and it’s translated in the subtitles as “motherfucker.”

      2. megalesias +14

        hahaha yesssss, omg. I’d actually forgotten about that, how could I.
        I was a Latin/Classics major as well, so my paper was actually about the dialogue, and so much of it was just great.

        1. ru_ri +13

          It warms my heart to know that this has been done! Relevant academic scholarship in Classics FTW.

    5. resh +8

      I watched that movie as a dewy-eyed teenager and lived to regret it. It completely wrecked me, ruined my week, I couldn’t sleep well the night after I watched it. It was so unpleasant to watch, I got up halfway to do all my chores. I preferred doing the dishes and the laundry of 4 people to the misery that is Sebastiane, and then I sat back down and finished it and wished I’d had more chores to do instead.

  8. srijanisays +57

    in the “checking out his own wound” picture, he looks a little like Dwayne Johnson. Also, of all the saints and martyrs our sisters taught us and showed pictures of, why the hell did they keep this babe a secret? I would have definitely remembered if I had seen any of those abs or pecs, and those calf eyes would have absolutely slayed my pre-adolescent heart, i am sure. Oh those devious nuns, always bogarting the good stuff

    1. honestlythor +50

      I love how his halo has his name in it, like he’s a World of Warcraft character.

      1. srijanisays +4

        All the more reason to keep him a secret from a bunch of hopped-up-on-puberty-juice-teenaged-girls

  9. winterbymorning +57

    The Smiths album cover Saint Sebastian’s arms look like they’re as long as his legs, and that makes me really uncomfortable.

    I don’t know what’s going on in that last painting but I am into it.

    1. shartbreaker +22

      I think that’s when a girl loves a gay boy and he doesn’t love her back (space between the two) so she adores him in a lonely, mournful way (somber clothes) and he can’t really feel bad because he is tormented by being gay and alone (single arrow).

  10. honestlythor +164

    … This makes me more uncomfortable with my homosexuality than Westboro Baptist Church ever did, and it’s not for their lack of trying.

    Am… am I a snail? Shooting my lovers with love arrows? Or what?

    Also, a lot of my more gym-oriented friends have started saying “pretty hurts” as a mantra (which is the exact opposite of what that song is about, by the way), and apparently it takes getting shot with arrows to achieve ab definition. That’s what I’ve been missing all these years!

    … The Sebastian in the third-to-last picture looks like he’s just been told that they’re out of Ketel One Grape Slushie but he could try the back bar.

    1. houblonchouffe +66

      … The Sebastian in the third-to-last picture looks like he’s just been told that they’re out of Ketel One Grape Slushie but he could try the back bar.

      nailed it.

    1. builtahouse +13

      that is such a “who, me?? Stick arrows in myself? Oh you’re so SILLY,” face.

  14. builtahouse +173

    “Careful, I’m juuuussstt going to take this out–”

    “*sigh* Irene, what did we say about talking?”

    “…more tweezing, less talking?”

    “Wonderful. Now please tell me you have a mojito in this hovel, I feel faint.”

    1. Mrs_Peel +34

      “HURRY UP, will you? I’m supposed to be DJ’ing in Williamsburg in an hour”.

  15. catweazlol +37

    When I got to #7 I almost sang “COVERGIRL, PUT THE BASS IN YOUR WALK!” out loud at my desk.

  16. Rillquiet +79

    Peep the sidenote in the last one! “Lord, I don’t know how to praise you as a poet would, with complicated verses, but accept, Lord, this rough, humble work I have made with my mortal hands.” MY INSCRIPTION IT IS HERE I DID THIS LOOK IT ME COMMISSIONS WELCOME REASONABLE RATES.

  17. LacaunaKale +40

    Sebastian number 9 looks so bored with the whole martyrdom thing.
    Guyssss…. I thought we were going dancing tonight but it’s arrows in the thigh *again*. UGH. I an not believe I waxed for this.

  18. Smug_the_Dragon +56

    Alfred Courmes (1898–1993): “St Sebastian” might be one of my favourites. Currently in the Pompidou centre and obscured from view down a corridor until you walk up close, it sneaks up on you, unexpectedly. It is a large painting and your eyes are at first drawn to the red in his clothing before you really see what the artist considers important. It is not the arrows.

    It’s also fun to turn, and watch the blushes of others as they have the same experience you did.

    I am posting a link, rather than the image, because (spoiler) this is a very naked nude.
    https://www.centrepompidou.fr/cpv/resource/czA4bj…

    1. femaelstrom +24

      I guess I knew what I was getting into when I clicked on that, but somehow still managed to be shocked.

      He’s a show-er, not a grower, huh?

    1. builtahouse +26

      WHAT. this happened? wow. wow. so many layers to unpack here. *mindsplosion*

      1. leslieellenjones +39

        What’s really astonishing is that, in 1968, readers of Esquire were supposed to get the reference.

      2. cleoreads +21

        I used to enjoy showing this in class when I taught History of Graphic Design – it’s like a mini history lesson in one cover. It was published after Ali was sentenced for refusing to fight in Vietnam.

        Here’s more info from the art director – http://www.georgelois.com/pages/Esquire/Esq.Ali.h…

        I did NOT know that St Seb was a 19th C gay icon though. I wonder if George Lois knew?

    1. builtahouse +15

      my inner Puritan has swooned. Gonna just…go…find some ice water. And my morals.

    2. halloweenjack64 +33

      Wondered if anyone else was going to bring Yukio Mishima to the party! Trufax: his first orgasm was from his jerking it to a picture of St. Sebastian.

  22. Amberlyza +38

    The second-to-last one found a body shop that would trick out his halo with his name, which I’m pretty sure is the saintly equivalent of car underglow.

  23. alula_auburn +16

    haha, I have always adored disco! Saint Sebastian paintings. Also, I read the top part too fast in my eagerness to get to the pictures and misread it as “cubed to death,” as in stoned very tediously to death with dice, or chopped up like cubed steak, which adds a whole layer of meat and cannibalism to the affair.

    The “look at how naked” seems to be catching, since that one lady’s dress seems to be about to fall off.

    1. Mrs_Peel +9

      “cubed to death”

      I couldn’t help thinking about this Michael Kupperman cartoon…

  24. ofTrebond +25

    These paintings are a perfect representation of a large part of my sexuality.

  25. Household_Opera +26

    I started snickering at he is just dying of HAVING A BEAUTIFUL PRE-RAPHAELITE MOUTH and then couldn’t stop.

    Smiths Cover Album St. Sebastian is looking up at the sky like “What? What? Is this pose not sexy enough?”

  26. deleted7541601 +54

    Sebastian, with his arrow holes
    stands haloed, as you’ve seen
    are there any spiritual souls
    to tell me what the paintings mean?

    If there is a tree adjoined
    what does it represent?
    and that cloth upon his groin –
    was it heaven-sent?

    In any case what we deduce
    from paintings of all sorts
    Sebastian was a sexy deuce
    in diapers or in shorts.

  27. katmarie13 +68

    There’s nude and there’s nude, you know?

    In my family it was told that there’s naked and nude–naked is, you know, naked; nude is naked and up to no good.

    1. HyacinthGirl +21

      In the South it’s generally naked vs. nekkid, nekkid being obv up to no good (see: Lewis Grizzard).

      1. keristars +12

        I always thought “nude” was the one that’s gussied up and suitable for viewers – because that’s what they call naked people in art. (and on the GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS signs, but that’s crossing wires a bit)

        Anyway I always remember being 7 years old and saying “nekkid” about something in class and being taunted for MONTHS because I couldn’t say “naked” (I still have to go slowly with it) and I’m SORRY but we’re in the South and that is our ACCENT but basically it was one of my first introductions to nudity-shame. (If just SAYING the word is that bad, how could anyone possibly actually do it???)

  28. aqueousmedium +10

    You have to admire the symmetry of the arrow placement in #7. Like, that was one archer who was DETERMINED to ignore swoleness, baby-faced or no.

  30. queen_bunnie +17

    THANK YOU FOR THIS

    when I was abroad I went to every museum I could which eventually I was in this sort of fatigue fugue state but my number one thing was honestly I just can’t look at another saint sebastian painting they are so weirdly 1500s german blood cult levels of into him

  31. poordrunkandhungry +13

    Pic 9 has just replaced the Magic Mike teaser poster as my desktop background.

  32. Emily +5

    St. Sebastian has always* been my favorite saint because of paintings like these.

    *Since my first art history class

  34. annaisabe +6

    There is a character in a book by Jessica Hagedorn where a gay character who wants to be a movie star changes his name from Epifanio Sebastian – Sebastian was his mother’s favorite saint who she liked because he was hot basically. Random aside.

    1. CapitanZ +2

      God yes thank you that is my favorite picture of St. Sebastian. Inspired me to do a tits-out tableau vivant of Sebastian’s martyrdom for one of my undergrad theater classes, thus continuing the lineage of sexy Sebastians

  37. demachaut +13

    I like to think of Fred Holland Day in 1907 explaining to his model: “Now, you’ll need to hold this pose for several minutes without moving while I make the exposure.” (The Library of Congress, with evident prurient delight, calls this photograph “St. Sebastian in loincloth, tied to tree with rope, arrows in stomach and side, hands behind back.”) http://cdn.loc.gov/service/pnp/cph/3g00000/3g0400…

  38. keristars +40

    I feel like Sebastian is often just an excuse for artists to practice their contrapasto without having to involve a cross somewhere.

    There’s one that’s all chiaroscuro that I had seared in my brain I don’t know why since elementary years at Catholic school, which is weird because the school was named after Christ the King and also the only nun on site had Marie-Therese as her patron thingy. BUT when I saw Brian Labouef’s “Mosh pit” painting, the very first thing I thought was “Oh, he’s inspired by St Sebastian, isn’t he?”

    also – https://arthistoryunf.wordpress.com/2015/01/15/br… shows that it’s more “descent from the cross” paintings but I couldn’t help but see all the hands as the arrows.

  40. mkpatter +37

    I started to read this at work and it got REAL NOT SUITABLE, REAL FAST. Plus I work at a Catholic office so I was afraid everyone would be like, “Why are you looking at so many naked St. Sebastians?” and my only reply would be, “WHY ARE YOU NOT!?”

    Anyways I now nominate Catholicism as the second thirtiest religion.

  41. Agrippina Major +15

    I don’t know, I think the sexiness of the second-to-last one is significantly hampered by his ambivalent expression. He is looking at those arrows like when you discover the little size sticker is still on the new shirt you’re wearing. “Oh, hm, arrows. Awkward.”

  42. calieberman +6

    Is the “sucking in his stomach”one the one Tarsem Singh recreated in the “Losing my Religion” video?

  43. Oscar +17

    You missed the gayest St. Sebastian of all by the late Renaissance artist universally referred to as “Il Sodoma.” First this name was a joke, but he seems to have adopted it, and it is how museums now label his paintings. His St. Sebastian may be the hottest and most beautiful of them all. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Sebastian#/me…

  44. Julian +4

    Hilarious, wonderfully illustrated piece. The Richard Kaye you cite at the outset is actually not a journalist but a critic/scholar who has written extensively on St. Sebastian and has been working on a book on the figure. (I think the quote you mention is from his essay “Losing His Religion” in a 1996 book entitled “Outllooks: Gay and Lesbian Visual Cultures” edited by Reina Lewis and Peter Horne.)

  48. Toour French +3

    This is weird thing in your country, Inserting arrows in heart is showing as beloved person for lovely baby.

  49. Sasha +2

    WHERE IS THE ONE BY HENDRICK TER BRUGGHEN
    i can’t be the only one whose sexual awakening is pretty much exclusively due to that picture

  50. platoapproved +11

    First of all, THIS IS A DELIGHTFUL ARTICLE.

    Second, I can’t BELIEVE you didn’t include my favorite, by Carlo Saraceni (1579-1620), in which he is not even a little bit subtle about arrow placement or about Sebastian’s expression:

  52. eldritchscreech

    Plenty more of swooning St. Sebastians out there!
    1) the very sexiest St. Sebastian by Takato Yamamoto, with bonus points for actually looking sufficiently martyr-like – http://41.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr2jcbSYU41qbbp…
    2) http://uploads1.wikiart.org/images/honore-daumier…
    3) http://www.artble.com/imgs/c/8/8/425015/saint_seb… – very well painted Sebatian, also hot body.
    4) a minimalist Sebastian from Perugino, sexy as hell while staying classy http://www.arthermitage.org/Pietro-Perugino/St-Se…
    5) this one swoons most sexily, though he may be just dead – http://images.fineartamerica.com/images/artworkim…