mm yes
this anecdote is so much more interesting than my needlework, thank you
i hope someone beats you to death with your own walking stick
please go on
that’s very interesting
oh, that’s very interesting
THAT’S very interesting
that’s VERY interesting
that’s very INteresting
THAT’s VEry INteresting
i can’t reach my book without having to talk to him
no, please, drink
your mouth must be so thirsty from telling all these dour stories
it’s
it’s bad for your health to tell so many stories out of your mouth without putting something back in your mouth in exchange
so you should drink quietly for at least as long as you were talking to me
for your health
for your mouth health
have lunch outside, i said
surely they won’t follow us outside, i said
we could serve lunch in our own graves and they’d still lift up the tombstones to tell us about the act of the exchequer court
“That sounds like a very difficult job. How ever do you manage?”
thank christ that should buy me at least a half an hour
no man in the world has ever disagreed when a woman says his job sounds difficult
backing away?
i’m not backing away
maybe you’re the ones who are
forwarding toward
maybe that’s what’s going on
oh darling i’d love to sit and join you
but as you know i have a
terrible
sitting condition
as do all the women in my family
so instead i have to stand and also leave
oh, shitting fuck
Cora’s already pretended to fall asleep
now all I can use is smile and pull the “oh, you” elbow to the chest and hope i push him hard enough he gets the picture
“Hahahahaha, oh, you, Jeremy!”
girls, quiet
laughter only disorients and frightens it
you could startle him into rearing up and flying right off the piano bench
no, that’s horses
oh, you’re quite right
are you sure you couldn’t sing a little bit louder, Robert?
yes it’s such a lovely song
couldn’t you sing it just a little bit more loudly for us
triple hells, this wall still isn’t high enough
what’s that, darling?
i said
damn this cursed wall that separates me from you
if it weren’t for this wall i could be in your arms listening to your ideas and opinions about things all the time
instead of alone
in these beautiful woods
with a basket of flowers,
by myself
enjoying the quiet
enjoying?
hating this beastly quiet
which i hate
as I was saying, if Roger thinks I’m going to sign it, he’s got another thing bloody well coming –
oh, no
what is it?
David, darling
i think i’ve got another attack of hysteria coming on
shall I call the doctor?
no
just leave me
leave me to my hysteria bench
isn’t there something i can do?
no
i wouldn’t want you to catch it
is hysteria contagious?
can’t take the risk of finding out, David
can’t be too careful
you’ll have to tell someone else this very interesting story while I wait for my hysteria to pass
oh, how INTERESTING
yes, how INTERESTING
that sounds so INTERESTING, doesn’t it, Claudine?
oh my yes, i’m extraordinarily INTERESTED in it
DO GO ON
yes please, go on, do
it’s so terribly interesting
Tags: artwork, the art of conversation, women in western art history, women listening to men
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“Leave me to my hysteria bench”
Another fine phrase for our Toastie needlework samplers!
Once upon a time I was an undergrad hiding in a hallway alcove. There I heard the most respected art history professor in the school telling a friend how much she craved just such a thing, or a fainting couch, that when people came to her to protest their grades she could simply waft a hand to her forehead and declare herself feeling faint, then ward them off.
She was the best art history prof ever. Ran a whole seminar on how Harold Bloom is a dingus. Just the greatest.
“a whole seminar on how Harold Bloom is a dingus.”
I am extremely sorry that I missed this. I would have even changed schools.
I had an English professor who never said Harold Bloom’s name without incorporating it into the phrase, “that dipshit Harold Bloom.” I loved him (the prof, that is, not Bloom).
I’m so going to get on this and design a cross stitch pattern for my etsy shop!
It’s like my life with women was portrayed in all these paintings.
Dude you need to make some CHANGES if half the world’s population thinks you’re this awful.
LOL I totally had that coming.
I’m sorry you’re boring and intrusive.
Oh, you poor dear.
You may want to run along, dove, I sense a readership-wide case of the vapours approaching. Save yourself.
I read most of these in Bugs Bunny’s hairstylist voice. Such an interesting story from an interesting monster.
so did I, but totally didn’t realize it until right now. So thank you!
ha, much thanks, I did the exact same thing – so those cartoons really are subliminal?
I’ve always thought that monsters must meet such interesting people.
I read them as Marvin the Martian.
[jots down “I have a terrible sitting condition” for future reference]
Once again, in that first painting, I just see a dandy butch gal chatting up her best friend, while her best friend gazes at her from her needlework and wonders about kissing the dandy butch gal.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought that! Impeccably dressed dandy butch gal is obviously awesome.
Definitely what I’m seeing there too. It’s really a much nicer scene then.
YES YES YES. Or they have been together for years and this is how they have flirtatious convos in public.
“Oh Mother I was just talking to Jeremy…you know the Baron’s son”
“Excellent match my dear, although I was not altogether aware he looked so much like Christine when he wears blue”
“YUP. That resemblance is UNCANNY”
“By the way, I’m going away with Christine for a month or so to her family’s estate out west. It will be good for my humours. I shall write to, uh, Jeremy, every day.”
This interpretation is much better. 🙂
“Dandy Butch Gals Mistaken for Men in Western Art History” should be a thing.
They have matching stockings! Because they’re *that* couple.
“Is hysteria contagious?”
Yes, yes it is.
Some dudes have caught the hysteria so bad that the wombs wandered straight out of their bodies and off into the ether. Terrible. Tragic.
In my head, all of these women have the voices of those poor women in Sunday in the Park with George who just wanted to hook up with the hot soldier but had to hang out with his lame friend.
THE ONE ON THE RIGHT’S AN AWFUL BORE.
HE’S BEEN IN A WAR.
I don’t want the other either!
After being talked at by some men for the better part of a week, I feel this all too keenly.
Right?
I was like, so this conversation
“oh, how INTERESTING
yes, how INTERESTING
that sounds so INTERESTING, doesn’t it, Claudine?
oh my yes, i’m extraordinarily INTERESTED in it
DO GO ON
yes please, go on, do
it’s so terribly interesting”
was, let’s see … yesterday?
Things I need:
1. A hysteria bench
I couldn’t hear anything over the SHINY CORAL SALMON SATIN OF THE GODS which I will not be able get over for awhile. brb, having a textile-based fainting spell.
(perhaps that was the goal, that the shiny fabric would stun the unwanted intruder? Ugh if only it worked instead of them going “oh shiny, let’s also make breeches and things out of it so we match!”)
I really admire the detail on the hem of the dress in the first painting. I keep thinking, “yeah, detailed work on hems. I need more of that in my life.”
We never should have stopped playing along when the men insisted ‘hysteria’ was a thing. If only we’d thought to harness it for our own aims. (We did get vibrators out of the deal.)
cannot come to work today, my hysteria is acting up
I wasn’t sure if you and Mallory saw this in the Open Thread last week, and I don’t know how to twitter, so hopefully this will pass the information directly back to management, but none other than the NYTimes gave Mallory a shout out for the Women in Art series in their review of Far From the Madding Crowd:
“Far From the Madding Crowd” passes a kind of reverse Bechdel test: Nearly every time two or more men converse, they are talking about a woman. When they talk to her, she often responds like one of the women in Mallory Ortberg’s hilariously captioned online surveys of Western art history, who generally have better things to do than listen to men. ”
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/01/movies/review-f…
I hope this information will help feed Mallory’s ego.
I like that there’s not even any context for the mention, since obviously all of the people who are reading this review are familiar with Mallory’s work. As is right and proper.
Uh oh, I’m feeling hysterical, better go home & have several orgasms, alone, by myself. What a dreadful affliction this is, to be sure.
I need a re-do episode of Mad Men where Joan answers all sexist offenses with these lines.
Or a re-do of these paintings as GIFs of Peggy joyfully rollerskating around the boring men.
While carrying Edo tentacle porn under her arm.
OH MY GOD the rug under the piano in #9
Run while you still have your legs, man
ETA: OH DOUBLE GOD there’s another piano in #11 with THE SAME RUG??!?!!
ok headcanon: “skin of a wolf slewn with your own bare hands laid semi-conspicuously beneath the piano” was a sort of calling card among old-timey upper-class misandrists; any man too thick to recognize it / ignore all social cues to leave has only himself to blame for his untimely demise.
Holy crap, I came down here to talk about that fox in #11 never noticing it was in #9 as well. It has the exact same expression on its face too… Poor little dude.
I love that there are two whole paintings where ladies are roaring with laughter literally behind a man’s back.
That is at least two more than I ever expected to see, which is delightful.
It makes me wonder who commissioned the painting. “Hey, here’s some money. Make a painting ridiculing my neighbor as he sings to women who laugh behind his back.”
Or maybe the painter did a previous commission for the man being laughed at. But man failed to pay commission. So painter has his revenge this way.
Other thoughts?
I have to confess, in Lunch Outside I am really rather in love with the man who has wandered off to play with the goldfish.
“Hmmm, I could keep bothering women with my confreres, or I could go enjoy this delightful little pool. Only one of these activities will be rewarding for anybody involved.”
Oooh, the water is splashy!
And it has newts in it! It’s the mating season, you know.
… he murmurs to himself, not wanting to intrude upon the valuable thoughts and conversations of any nearby women.
He casually mentioned an interesting fact about habits of the red-tailed newt to the woman in the pink dress, but the way she said, “oh, isn’t that interesting” clarified her complete lack of interest, so he just wandered off to amuse himself.
This is the correct attitude for all men.
Gussie Fink-Nottle, is that you…?
Indeed.
I’m so glad you explained what he was doing, because I couldn’t figure it out! My guess was “dropped his contact lens.”
But did not then get the women to help him look for it!
I identify deeply with this man. The last wedding I went to involved me wandering off to look at snails with interesting shells while people talked about… I don’t know or care what, really.
Oh my god . . .
I have used the “oh, you” elbow.
I do the “this music moves me in uncontrollable ways” dance. Very elbow-thrusty, and has the added benefit of looking horrific enough that my guy friends say, “Oh, God, tell me you don’t do that in public!” and then look extra-double-bonus-points horrified when I explain WHY I do it (“Remember that time the guy who thought he looked like Jesus but really looked like an extra-tall Charles Manson grabbed my ass at that concert? This keeps THOSE dudes away, and also ALL dudes, because most guys in public should be burned with fire.” And when they say, “But not ALL guys…” I burn them with the aforementioned fire. Keeps my list of dudes in my life down to only the good ones.)
I do that dance too! I call it my “kerayzee laydee dance” and it involves a great deal of arms flailing, and back of hands hitting men in the face, because I am short, so when my arms reach up, its about their face-level (I can’t help it! *innocent face* i’m just so tiny and enthusiastic!). sometimes I also jog in place, kicking backwards energetically. on top of all this, I sweat profusely, and display my pit kittens (underarm hair) with pride. It serves many purposes, but the main two are 1) vastly amusing/horrifying my friends. and 2)hitting men in as many places as possible.
But did you use it while sitting in front of a painting mirroring that exact same situation?
Sadly, I did not. I used it on a handsy coworker at a bar after work hours. He was trying to drunkenly hump me (no, I am not exaggerating) and I was trying to control my impulse to break his goddamn nose.
Ewwwww. I’m impressed that you did not break his nose, although it would have been completely understandable. The nosebleed would be impressive, with the alcohol.
while aiming said elbow at the solar plexus. If my aim is true, I get 10 or 15 seconds of blessed silence while he cannot draw breath.
Would that I had that sort of skill. I salute you, madame!
Hahahahaa, fantastic!
you know who i really feel for is that poor dead fox who is trapped under the pianoforte and has no means of escape.
edit: oh my god the fox IS THE WOMEN. I UNDERSTAND ART NOW.
Ahh I love it when I come down here to make a comment and then pause and think ‘wait, ten bucks says someone has already taken care of this.’
That poor thing’s face is what should come up when you image search “FML”
Or at least when you search “Baroque Fox FML”
I think the overarching lesson here is that if you are outside, far away from the nearest town, and you suddenly happen across a table, improbably laden with beverages and fine linen and surrounded by comfortable chairs, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SIT DOWN. It’s a trap, and you will never, ever escape. If possible, try to burn the table down from a distance instead.
Maybe all the Women Laughing Alone With Salad are laughing because they’ve realised the way out of the trap; kill the Man who was talking at them and stuff him under the table? “Free! Freeeeee!”
This is why I never leave home without my flamethrower.
Please tell me more about this thing I just told you I’m involved with because I clearly have no idea what I’m doing and I only talked about it so I could ask for some expert opinion from a MAN.
Applicable to any situation.
ok, but where can I get that dishware in #4
Seriously. What mystical Crate and Barrel did those come from? She’s clearly just trying to get him drunk enough so she can steal them and go unlock the secret magic of their azure glow.
Why, you can find it easily at the big table in the picturesque field outside town. The one with the comfortable chairs, out in the middle of nowhere? The locals call it the “Table of Endless Tedium,” for some unknowable reason. One thing is sure, there’s certainly nobody hiding nearby, waiting to leap out and have a conversation with you about themselves, why would you even think that? No, you should go out and collect that dishware right now. Try the chairs, take a load off. What could possibly happen.
The dude in the last one has CHEVRON STOCKINGS
is he secretly from 2013?
YES! Also the owls on the hemline next to him, plus random paisley leaping out from nowhere onto the other dress.
WTAF was Reggianini’s obsession with painting women being tormented by men dislocating their jaws with the effort of singing. And with that particular shade of pink satin.
Perhaps he had a female relative or acquaintance who clued him in on the tragedy of being trapped in a room with a man who is determined to Be Impressive at you, and he was trying to communicate this tragedy to the world, and also let men know that they’re not Impressing anybody.
We can only hope.
Bloody Cora, getting the falling asleep in first.
You can tell the mustachioed gentleman in #3 is just waiting for her to lean over and get her book so he can “casually” initiate conversation, now that she’s looking sort of vaguely in his general direction.
WOW there are some beautiful fabrics in this collection.
I HAVE HAD some of these conversations!
“Forwarding toward” is where I burst out laughing, but this is all (as usual) pure comedy gold.
This. Tonight I was on an overnight for work and I went to a really nice pub to read my Alice Munro book and have a really nice pub dinner BY MYSELF and a man came and sat next to me. For an hour and a half. And talked inane bullshit at me about how rich and great he is and about how his fiancé had just left him. AND THEN he ate food off my plate. And I lost it. And then he told me to “stop looking at him like that” because he “isn’t looking for a relationship”, at which point I neatly told him to fuck off and left.
And then when I was walking back to me hotel I realised he was behind me, and that sucked. And I am mad. And I want all women to be left alone by men. And I needed to get this out of my system. Excuse the profanities. I think I am more upset about this than I thought I was when I started typing this.
That entire encounter is something that should. not. have. happened. I’m mad on your behalf too! >:-(
What. The. Hell. NOT okay.
…flames. Flames on the side of all our faces, on your behalf. Because SERIOUSLY WTF DUDE NO.
Enjoying that his fiance probably hated him so much that the look of hate I am sure was on your face during this interaction made him think you had a RELATIONSHIP with him on your mind. Look of rage = the look on your fiance’s face= relationship face.
This is horrible and I’m so sorry it happened to you.
I really don’t know what my expression could have been other than disgruntled and impatient! Bleugh. Thanks for this though. It has made me feel so much better.
What the shitting christing hell.
Burn them all down. Just, just all of them.
Before “how rich and great he is,” I was growing concerned. I assumed you were in jest and that by the end I would be reading “oh well, you know husbands, what are ya gonna do?” So now I’m back to the beginning only a lot more concerned for your safety. That guy’s bonkers.
To be honest, I just thought he was an annoying idiot. It got really sinister by the end, I was running down a road trying to lose him while my boyfriend was calling out directions back to the hotel (I foolishly went an unfamiliar way trying to lose him)
These posts are my happy place. That is all.
Shitting fuck I love it!
Hilarious and spot-on as always, but this one might even be my favourite. 🙂
Also, “your job sounds difficult” has bought me so many precious mind-wandering minutes that I am grateful for it being immortalised in a painting. 😉
Naive question, perhaps: is this the long-sought origin of the #ListeningToMenFace?
My university has a petting zoo during finals week every semester, and today I brought my blanket and managed to get my hands on an adorable sleepy kitten that curled up in my hair as soon as I lay down, and not five minutes later some random dude comes over and starts telling me about how much of a cat person he is and asking if he could hold the cat and I was just like “I don’t know, I don’t wanna bother the cat” and so he starts petting the cat like 1/4 inch away from my face and telling me more about how much he likes cats and how his cat is just like this one and he picks it up all the time and I wanted to say
“yeah but I wouldn’t wanna bother the cat, it’s definitely the cat who would be bothered in this situation you know the cat wants you to go away I wasn’t in a blissful state of peace or anything”
but instead I said
“alright, I guess you could go for it”
at least he left
Did you see how the painting in the background of the elbow in chest one somewhat echoes what the man is trying to do to the poor woman?
#9 I think it was.
Yes, Jules!! I saw it too.
Yes. With no clothing. And with goats. Must be his fantasy.
‘Lunch outside’: suddenly, the tea party scene in Alice in Wonderland makes complete sense to me.
Oh man, Reggianini is GOLD for this. Mallory, can you do one that’s just women fending off men in the collected works of Vittorio Reggianini?
I keep imagining is a bunch of sisters who have finally agreed to take turns wearing The Pink Satin. their favourite sport is laughing at men who play piano, and they invite over a new one every week after the last fellow figures out they're not laughing at his jokes
I love this whole series, but I just have to say it: in the hysteria bench one, it’s ‘think.” He’s got another THINK coming. Not “thing.”
How about, “Oh, I couldn’t possibly fail to disagree with you less”. Excellent conversation stopper.