The Toast’s Tolkien correspondent, Austin Gilkeson, previously told us of his legal battle with the Tolkien estate, which was a marvelous piece of satire whose satiric nature was largely lost on Reddit. It is also one of Nicole’s favourite pieces of all time, so please go read it.
J.R.R. Tolkien may have been the epitome of the tweed-wearing, pipe-smoking Oxford don, but his books have inspired a lot of heavy metal over the decades, from Megadeth’s “This Day We Fight!” to Blind Guardian’s Nightfall in Middle Earth. This is not only because The Lord of the Rings is the preeminent fantasy of our time, but also because a lot of people die in Tolkien’s stories, and a lot of the times when they die it’s metal as hell. This is your definitive guide to the hardest trips to Mandos in all three ages.
13.) Gollum
Gollum bit off a dude’s finger and fell into a volcano. That’s metal, but ranks last on this list because anyone in our own mundane world with teeth, lava, a deathwish, and a finger could go out the same way.
12.) Túrin Turambar
Túrin committed suicide by impaling himself on his sentient black sword, a sword forged from a meteorite by a Dark Elf. That is metal. He did so after killing the first dragon, Glaurung. That is really metal. Unfortunately, Túrin gets points docked since the main reason he killed himself was that he realized he’d married his own sister. Granted, he’d been tricked into marrying his own sister by a dragon, but still. Accidental incest is not metal.
11.) Boromir
Boromir got shot full of arrows by the Uruk-hai in his futile attempt to save Merry and Pippin from being captured. That is a tragic and noble death, but only adequately metal for Middle-earth.
10.) Elendil and Gil-galad
Elendil and Gil-galad died while taking out Sauron. Biting it in the middle of defeating a Dark Lord is very metal, but they rank low because: (1) There were two of them, (2) Sauron came back eventually, and (3) In the prologue of Peter Jackson’s Fellowship of the Ring movie, Sauron easily kills Elendil and it’s his son Isildur who defeats the Dark Lord. Peter Jackson gave fucking Kili a more metal death in the last Hobbit movie. That’s not really Elendil and Gil-galad’s fault, but if you want to rank higher on this list, your death needs to be so metal no filmmaker could possibly resist depicting it, let alone give a better death scene to a sexy dwarf.
9.) Ecthelion
Let’s talk about Balrogs. Balrogs were fire-spirits corrupted by Morgoth, the first Dark Lord and Tolkien’s stand-in for Satan. Most people think of Balrogs as the fallen angels and demons of Middle-earth. But they’re even more metal than that. In Tolkien’s legendarium, the Sun is a fire-spirit who did not fall. Which means two things: (1) Our Sun is a Balrog, and (2) Taking on a Balrog is a surefire way to get violently inducted into Mandos’s most metal hall.
The elf-warrior Ecthelion and the Lord of Balrogs, Gothmog, killed each other in single combat during the fall of the elvish city Gondolin. Ecthelion gets major metal points for dying in battle against the Sun’s evil cousin. But he loses points for location: he and Gothmog fought and died in a fountain. Fountains are delightful, not metal. Ecthelion should have stopped the battle and suggested they move to a more suitably metal place, like a volcano or a fjord. A demon-lord called Gothmog would surely have agreed.
8.) Lúthien
Lúthien’s life was indisputably metal. She conquered the Isle of Werewolves from Sauron. She disguised herself as a vampire, snuck into Morgoth’s infernal fortress, knocked the Dark Lord out cold, and stole a Silmaril from his crown. She eventually died of old age on a beautiful forest island. That’s the least metal way to die possible, but what lands her on this list is that she died at all. Lúthien was half elf/half Maia, and so could have lived forever in Middle-earth or the Blessed Realm of Valinor. Instead, she chose to gamble on the “gift of man” and shuffled off this mortal coil with her mortal lover Beren. Her descendent Arwen would later make the same choice to be with Viggo Mortensen, but Lúthien was the first person to choose Death over an eternity of heavenly light, spring festivals, and harp music. That’s metal.
7.) Huan, the Hound of Valinor
Huan was a big, friendly dog who helped Beren and Lúthien in their adventures, and was only permitted to speak three times in life. That sounds more whimsical than metal, but Huan was also prophesied to die in battle with the mightiest wolf to ever walk the earth. It’s never said who made this prophecy, but somehow almost everyone in Middle-earth knew it, which suggests that Huan was so metal people took one look at him and thought, “Only the mightiest wolf to ever walk the earth can kill this dog.”
Huan fulfilled his fate when he died fighting Carcharoth, a giant hell-wolf that guarded the gates of Morgoth’s realm and had been driven insane after swallowing a Silmaril. Just before dying, Huan used his third and final time to speak to say farewell to Beren. Presumably, had he been allowed a fourth time, he would have said, “This is so fucking metal.”
6.) Ungoliant
A Maia spirit who took the shape of a gigantic spider, Ungoliant ate light, vomited darkness, and served none but her own insatiable hunger. Some believe Ungoliant was originally the primordial spirit of night, though given her actions, it seems more likely she was the primordial spirit of metal. Ungoliant destroyed the two trees of Valinor that gave light to the ancient world, and nearly ate Morgoth himself after he went back on a deal with her. After spawning Shelob and other giant spiders, she fled to the south of the world and eventually devoured herself like an arachnid ouroboros. Her death was equal parts horrific, ironic, and metal.
5.) Finrod
King Finrod of Nargothrond died after killing a werewolf barehanded. He did this in a dungeon in Sauron’s fortress on the Isle of Werewolves. Just dying of natural causes in a Dark Lord’s dungeon in a place called the “Isle of Werewolves” would be metal enough to get you on this list, but doing so while killing a werewolf with your hands gets you in the top five.
4.) Glorfindel
During the sack of Gondolin, the elf-warrior Glorfindel saved a group of refugees from a Balrog by wrestling the demon off a cliff. Glorfindel’s death was so metal that the gods-like Valar let him come back to life and live in Middle-earth again (in the books, he’s the one who saves Frodo from the Ringwraiths in Fellowship of the Ring). He’s the only elf we know of granted that favor, probably because he’d become too metal for the turgid bliss of the Blessed Realm.
3.) Gandalf the Grey
Gandalf the Grey, like Glorfindel, wrestled a Balrog into an abyss. What makes Gandalf even more metal than Glorfindel is that Gandalf did not stop there. After grappling the demon down a seemingly bottomless pit, Gandalf fought the demon in a subterranean lake, through a lightless labyrinth populated by unspeakable monsters, up the tallest staircase ever, and finally on a mountain peak. Gandalf died after he, “Threw down my enemy… and broke the mountain-side where he smote it in his ruin,” which is the most metal line in the entire trilogy, and possibly all of English literature. Gandalf’s death was so metal he came back to life a different fucking color.
2.) Fëanor
Fëanor was the mightiest and most talented of the elves, and also their biggest asshole. He created the Silmarils, holy jewels that captured the light of the Two Trees of Valinor. But when Morgoth stole the Silmarils, Fëanor rebelled against the Valar and led his people into exile in Middle-earth. He did this by killing many of his fellow elves, stealing their ships, and then setting those ships on fire just to be a dick. Fëanor was an asshole, but he soon died in a way fitting the most colossal asshole in Middle-earth’s history. While Ecthelion, Glorfindel, and Gandalf all bit the dust fighting individual Balrogs, Fëanor died in battle with a platoon of them. Not only that, his spirit was so fierce it incinerated his body as it left him. That’s so metal I am literally crying as I write this.
1.) Fingolfin
Fingolfin rode alone to the doors of Angband, Morgoth’s fortress, and called the Dark Lord out to fight in single combat. So metal was Fingolfin’s challenge that Morgoth had no choice but to accept. The elf-king wounded Morgoth seven times before Morgoth smashed him with Grond, the Hammer of the Underworld. As he died, Fingolfin managed to stab Morgoth one last time in the foot, a wound that gave the Dark Lord a limp ever after. Fingolfin’s body was then borne away in honor by the biggest eagle in the world.
In layman’s terms, Fingolfin rode to the gates of hell, fought Lucifer in single combat, and permanently maimed the Devil. Tolkien wrote that the Elves made no songs of that battle because their grief was too great, though had they known about electric guitars and power chords, they might have given it a shot. Still, the Song of Fingolfin remains the greatest metal song yet unsung.
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Illustrator: J. Longo is a freelance Illustrator & Storyboard Artist in Brooklyn, NY. His work can be seen at JLongoArt.com and Instagram.
Tags: artwork, austin gilkeson, beauty, books, jason longo, jrr tolkien
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This, and lots of the comments, are awesome in the same amount as Fingolfin's death is metal. Props for an awesome post, mate!
Hmm. I am still with OP on this one. Even though the Metal is strong with Milton, breaking a mountain with your enemy is simplistically awesome. Just like heavy metal. Milton is more like prog power 😉
Deixis' comment av about Fingon gave me an idea! Do the most metal KILLINGS next (although there might be an extensive overlap). Gothmog might feature heavily on that list, too.
I would have included Ancalagon the Black on this list: beating back the host of Valinor and then getting lasered to death by Earendil who was channeling Captain Ahab going Super-Saiyan. And then in his death throes he crushes a mountain range. That's pretty metal.
The Witch-king of Angmar's death is a metal battle kill more than a metal death! As in, it's Eowyn being metal, not him. But it's so metal it may deserve its own article.
OMG, thank you so much! I was planning to leave the exact same comment.
Like, Balrogs are cool and all, but rebelling against the de facto gods of your world out of hubristic pride, taking your army to the blessed lands of the gods, encountering no direct opposition and proclaiming that the land of the gods therefore belongs to you [see "hubristic pride"], being such a pain in their collective ass that the gods give up and call in the creator of all things to deal with you–WHO THEN MAKES THE FLAT WORLD INTO A GLOBE SO THAT NO MAN COULD EVER DO THE THING YOU JUST DID, THUS CAUSING A CHASM TO OPEN IN THE OCEAN AND SWALLOW UP YOUR ENTIRE ISLAND CIVILIZATION–and disappearing into the rapidly morphing ground in the middle of the reshaping of the world, to be held in "the Caves of the Forgotten" (HOW METAL IS THAT) until the last battle in history, Dagor Dagorath (!!!!!!!!!!!!)…
METAL AS FUCK. THE DEFINITION OF METAL. IN FACT, I'M SURE I'VE LISTENED TO A POWER METAL CONCEPT ALBUM WITH THE SAME PLOT
Those about to Rock Salute you Austin Gilkeson.
OK, that's lovely – but where the heck is Azaghâl?!
"Last of all the eastern force to stand firm were the Dwarves of Belegost, and thus they won renown. For the
Naugrim withstood fire more hardily than either Elves or Men, and it was their custom moreover to wear great masks in
battle hideous to look upon; and those stood them in good stead against the dragons. And but for them Glaurung and his
brood would have withered all that was left of the Noldor. But the Naugrim made a circle about him when he assailed
them, and even his mighty armour was not full proof against the blows of their great axes; and when in his rage
Glaurung turned and struck down Azaghâl, Lord of Belegost, and crawled over him, with his last stroke Azaghâl drove
a knife into his belly, and so wounded him that he fled the field, and the beasts of Angband in dismay followed after
him. Then the Dwarves raised up the body of Azaghâl and bore it away; and with slow steps they walked behind
singing a dirge in deep voices, as it were a funeral pomp in their country, and gave no heed more to their foes; and none
dared to stay them."
Definitely beats Gollum or Boromir if you ask me.
Nah. Fëanor is the most metal of them all. 🙂
I have legit been to libraries where The Princess Bride is shelved under "M" for Morgenstern.
Dude, if freaking badass elf-lord FINGON doesn't make onto this list, then sorry-ass deluded Denethor shouldn't either. Give it a rest already.
Me, I was just hoping somebody "translated them" like how they "translate" Shakespeare, and possibly exaggerated a little. Then I got ahold of myself and am still disappointed.
The first BBS I was on was named Cabed Naeramarth.
Ar-Pharazôn should definitely have been on the list. He also was the King of Arda. That's what Alexander the Great, Napoleon and Hitler fought for!
Idk man I think Ecthelion should be moved up to at least 5 considering that, sure, he killed a Balrog by a fountain, but he GOTHMOG by a fountain by ramming it with his head thus stabbing it with the spike of his helmet. And then possibly pulling said Balrog into said fountain with his abs. The literature is not clear ("and he twined his legs about his foeman's thighs; and the Balrog yelled and fell forward") but it certainly is possible (his sword arm was down, his helmet was stabbed into Gothmog, and his legs were wrapped around Gothmog's leg. what else does he make Gothmog fall with? his abs). And if that isn't pretty freakin' metal I don't know what is.
4) Is Wrong. The Glorfindel in Rivendale IS NOT the Glorfindel from Godnolin!!!!
Note: The metal song about Fingolfin has actually already been written, by the band Blind Guardian. (I'm probably the 40th commenter to say this but I'll say it anyway lol)…
http://www.metrolyrics.com/time-stands-still-at-t…
Yes. yes it is.
Since you all are metalheads and love LOTR, Give this band called Summoning a try if you have not. Best Tolkien Metal band ever.. Also one of the best Black metal bands ever.
Also, this post is fucking awesome..
+Not only that, his spirit was so fierce it incinerated his body as it left him. That’s so metal I am literally crying as I write this.
+ He’s the only elf we know of granted that favor, probably because he’d become too metal for the turgid bliss of the Blessed Realm.
Agreed. Plus, everyone knows that dwarves get extra metal points by default.
The metal band Blind Guardian DID write and record a song about Fingolfin. It's called "Time Stands Still" and it's fucking awesome.
your ONE REMAINING hand. So metal. The most metal.
Where's Celebrimbor?
Not only was he pin-cushioned with arrows (see #11) he also witnessed he destruction of his city and everything he worked for, the betrayal of his trust, was then tortured, but mostly:
HIS BODY WAS STUCK ON A POLE AND USED AS A FUCKING FLAG!
https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-uK322CKMHlM/UB…
Surely, though not a death, you should have mentioned Hurin's battle. It's very much metal.
"Last of all Hurin stood alone. Then he cast aside his shield, and wielded an axe two-handed; and it is sung that the axe smoked in the black blood of the troll-guard of Gothmog until it withered, and each time that he slew Hurin cried: 'Aure entuluva! Day shall come again!' Seventy times he uttered that cry; but they took him at las alive, by the command of Morgoth, for the Orcs grappled him with their hands, which clung to him still though he hewed off their arms; and ever their numbers were renewed, until at las he fell buried beneath them. Then Gothmog bound him and dragged him to Angband with mockery.
Thus ended Nirnaeth Arnoediad, as the sun went down beneath the sea. Night fell in Hithlum, and there came a great storm of wind out of the West."
This is by far, my favorite passage in all of Tolkien's writing.
Honorary mention to Maedhros, who took part in three kinslayings (these Fëanor kids really didn't know when to quit), eventually got a silmaril back, but it burned his hand because he was Unworthy. Instead of putting it on a shelf or getting a protective glove, he carried it until he could no longer bear the pain and jumped into a volcano.
And, of course, Denethor, who in the book manages to die in a very metal way, only for the movie to make that scene into a joke.