Let’s Poke Some Fun At True Detective Season 2 -The Toast

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Okay. FIRST OF ALL, I genuinely loved Season One of True D, despite all the things that were wrong about it, and I had one of those “people are being too judgmental of a great show” reactions to the criticism, which I kept to my own damn self, bc it’s not like I could refute it, I just didn’t care about the things that were wrong more than I liked the show, and I watched the whole thing like five times.

So I take it as a personal insult that Nic Pizzolatto took all his worst qualities and interests and jammed them all up in the Season Two premiere, bc I had your back, man! I was rooting for you! I had withheld judgment when I saw the original casting announcement, because, well, maybe it was going to surprise us all, but my heart had started to sink a lil bit, bc I sure do not care for Colin Farrell.


this mofo right here with his wool cap

So, I settled into bed on Monday night with a plate of meatloaf, as is the custom of my people, hoped that the nineteen people who I’ve given my HBO Go login to were not all doing the same thing, and opened my mind and my heart to a new season. Then I pressed play.

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (draws breath) ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Let’s dig in, shall we? Also, if you are at work, there are a lot of screengrabs of (admittedly gorgeous) tits after the jump.

1. This Fuckin’ Guy


Spare me your “characters don’t need to be likable” take! I don’t require my characters to be likable. I require that my characters not seem COMPLETELY made-up. I never forgot for one minute that this was Colin Farrell trying to be dark and twisted.

Also, this character is such a shitstain in the worst way, the worst way being “this fucking horrible traumatic thing that happened to my wife has been real hard on me, so I’ve become a drunken self-destructive, self-pitying mess that she has to lug around as a bad [EDIT: TERRIBLE] co-parent for the rest of her life.” I hate that more than ANYTHING. And that shit is everywhere! I also just personally do not enjoy watching adults scream “you fat pussy!” at their children, which is not a criticism of the show, just that I do not like it.

2. This Fuckin’ Guy Also Beat Up a Dude After Asking Dispatch For His Address and Is An Idiot

I mean, we are all learning that cops will cover for each other in minor matters like murder, so it’s possible he either doesn’t think that lady will rat him out or he’s so useless he doesn’t care, but if you’re going to go hammer a man’s face in, don’t call dispatch first to find out where he lives! FOLLOW THE KID HOME, or something, I’m sure he’s on Facebook and you can get a visual confirmation.

3. I Am Sure You’re Going Through Something, But That Lady Is Waiting For You In Bed And Is Hotter Than The Surface Of The Sun, Stop Looking Queasy

Nic Pizzolatto is really into the idea of gorgeous women waiting patiently for their man to come slip it to them. It is like a sea of women wearing underwear and t-shirts without bras, getting wet and staring longingly out the window. Let’s revisit the first AND second season:


I need that dick


since you’re here already, maybe some dick?


Where is that dick, this is a normal thing normal women do when home alone waiting for dick

Screen Shot 2015-06-25 at 8.12.01 AM

Gimme that dick

4. Hot Women Also Hope You Got Some Sleep, Because You Didn’t Come To Bed 

Screen Shot 2015-06-25 at 8.26.26 AM

Baby, did you get any sleep here is some coffee

Screen Shot 2015-06-25 at 8.09.56 AM

Baby, did you get any sleep and do you need help with your cufflinks

5. That New Song/Montage Is No Good

Zero commentary required. I mean, it’s nice not to see that lady’s butt with spikes digging into it anymore, don’t get me wrong.

6. What Is The Weird Sex Thing That Rachel McAdams Wants?

I guess I’ll have to keep watching the show, because I really want to know what it is!

7. The First Season Had a Certain Dark Sparkling Humor That Made It Bearable

All the laughs this new episode got from me were “oh, brotherrrrr” laughs.

Okay, I’m gonna be right here every week, and I bet we’re going to have some fun, and there will be some good episodes, and there will be some stuff I can dunk on, and I hope you will join me.

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