MAZARIN: sire, Paris is revolting
LOUIS XIV: lol youre damn right it is
MAZARIN: sire please
you make that joke every time there is a revolution
and it is a very good one
but there is an actual mob at the gates
LOUIS XIV: so stay away from the gates then
this place has like sixty rooms
go find another one
MAZARIN: sire, the leaders of the petty German states are here
LOUIS XIV [skateboarding across the Hall of Mirrors]: lol petty is right
MAZARIN: they seek protection from the Hapsburgs
LOUIS XIV [rolling out of sight]: petty bitcheeeessss
LOUIS DUC D’ENGHEIN: my lord, wake up
you are needed for the signing of the treaty of Westphalia
LOUIS XIV: treaty of westfailia is right
LOUIS DUC D’ENGHEIN: yes, quite right, my liege
we must make haste
LOUIS XIV: no
shit
it’s a homophone
LOUIS DUC D’ENGHEIN: quite
LOUIS XIV: no
shut up
we’re not leaving until you get the joke
bring me a peasant to write on
MINISTER GASTON: my lord, I congratulate you on coming of age and taking the throne in your own right
who will you name as your chief minister
LOUIS XIV: [gestures to his dick]
MINISTER GASTON: my Lord?
LOUIS XIV: write that down
MINISTER GASTON: write what down
LOUIS XIV: write that the King gestured to his dick for chief minister
LOUIS XIV: Edict of Nantes
more like
more like Edict of can’t
tell me what to do
HENRI: very good, my lord
LOUIS XIV: SHUT UP
THAT WAS A PRACTICE JOKE
PHILIP: Lord, the Camisards have rebelled against the dragoons again
LOUIS XIV: uuuugh
can they Huguenot
hahaha
that was a good one
send a message to them
tell them I said that
PHILIP: Yes, Lord
LOUIS XIV: also, obviously
kill them all
tell them i said that and then kill them all
LE TELLIER: my liege
LOUIS XIV: before you say anything
I defy you to show me where in the laws of the Court it says that the King cannot ride a member of the noblesse d’épée like a happy little pony
LE TELLIER: I –
LOUIS XIV: you can’t
PHILIPPE: I consider it a great honor, Le Tellier
LOUIS XIV: SAY IT IN HORSE
PHILIPPE: neigh
Tags: dirtbags, history, i know the hall of mirrors wasn’t built before the league of the rhine but i’m taking some liberties, louis xvi, teenage dirtbags
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This is a true historical account and no one can convince me otherwise.
I mean, I wasn’t there, so I can’t say with any certainty that it didn’t happen as Mallory has outlined.
The one about his dick definitely happened. It transcends translation.
He actually WAS a huge dirtbag for the first few years of his reign, so IT’S ALL POSSIBLE.
That eagle wants to scram, pronto.
Nothing about Madame de Montespan? YOU DISAPPOINT ME, MADAM DE ORTBERG.
M De MONTESPAN Majesty, I have the honor to present my wife, the lady Francoise-Athenais
LOUIS XIV Yeah I guess I’d say Athenais ass girl, damn
Mme De MONTESPAN Majesty, may I introduce your bastards’ governess, Madame de Maintenon?
LOUIS XIV More like Madame de Mainte no way are you getting out of being one of my girlfriends
Madame de Maintenon? More like Mme de Maintenant. I wanna do her Right Now.
As I have watched way too much of the BBC Musketeers series, I’m delighted to discover that The Sun King is just as much of a dirtbag as his father in the series.
There’s such a thing as watching too much BBC The Musketeers?
“L’a-hole, c’est moi.”
I’m getting a real Archer vibe off Louis XIV
I’m fairly certain this whole series is designed to give the Archer folks more dirtbag lines.
sun king more like fun king
This has supplanted the probably-not-true story about him biting into an unpeeled pineapple and injuring himself (and subsequently banning all pineapples from France) as my favorite Louis XIV-related thing.
My fav is that his intestines were huge. I like the pineapple idea too 🙂
Wait how do you know? Were his poops bigger than normal poops?
I know nothing of his poops (apart from that he had an anal fistula at one point), but his appetite was ‘remarked on’ at the time.
I found a reference for the intestine thing! It comes from a very trashy book I own, ‘The Real Queen of France’ by Lisa Hilton. It’s a biography of his mistress Madame de Montespan.
So Hilton’s discussing his sexual promiscuity “In the case of his apparently bulimic appetite for food, it was discovered after his death that his intestines were twice as long as those of a normal man, but his prodigious hunger for sex was not reflected by any special physical attributes, as one of his casual flings, the Princesse de Monaco, reported.” Dick: average. Intestines: *huge*.
OMG his dumps must have been epic. i wonder if he had a wiper. #isveryclassy
I mean, how much would you care about statecraft when you could spend your time inventing and starring in ballets instead?
“Anyway here’s Wonderwall.”
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Thank you so very much for posting this right before I got to Versailles. Ideal.
SAY IT IN HORSE.
today i learned my subtweet game is basically dirtbag louis xiv but less good
i’m strangely ok with this
I choose to believe that there really was a Minister Gaston so I will not look it up.
I have just upvoted every damn comment here.
This is why I love you all.
He actually WAS a huge dirtbag for the first few years of his reign, so IT'S ALL POSSIBLE.
Wait how do you know? Were his poops bigger than normal poops?
Not only is he a dirtbag, he’s also the original Hair Band prototype.
Not only is he a dirtbag, he's also the original Hair Band prototype.
He hated XIV and insisted on XIIII. Look at your Roman numeral watch. Leroy was a bad man!
OMG his dumps must have been epic. i wonder if he had a wiper. #isveryclassy
This just reminds me to go and watch Benoit Magimel in Le Roi Danse yet again.
Piece brilliant as usual.
I have never before realized that OMG HE WORE MINISKIRTS TO SHOW OFF HIS LEGS.
Basically Louis was the original high-heels-mini-skirt-selfies-while-clubbing girl we all know. History does well to remember this.