Dirtbag Tess Of The D’Urbervilles -The Toast

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tess2ANGEL: i just wanted you to know
i’ve had sex before
TESS [striking a match on his bare chest and lighting her cigarette]: yeah me too, guy
I’ve even been to Suffolk
ANGEL: what does Suffolk have to do with anything
TESS: oh i thought we were just listing obvious shit to each other


ALEC: my god
leave me be
I am a preacher now, and cannot do this
I don’t want to have sex with you again
TESS: i literally never wanted to have sex with you
i didnt even want to have sex with you the first time
TESS: i named your baby Sadness and I buried it in the dirt


ANGEL: Tess I’m back from Brazil
I’m ready to give our marriage another shot
TESS: oh hell yes
it’s stabbin’ time
ANGEL: it’s what time
TESS: it’s
thatching time
i said it’s thatching time
i’m so happy we’re going to be married again and i can’t wait to live in a traditional thatched cottage with you
ANGEL: what an odd thing to say


you’re covered in blood
TESS: don’t worry
it’s not mine
ANGEL: what happened?
TESS: enough questions
i’m in a stabbing mood
and i’ve only done one stabbing today


TESS: i killed Alec for us
ANGEL: like
as a metaphor
TESS: no
with an actual knife
with this knife
ANGEL: you mean like
you stabbed the connection between the two of you
TESS: no
i literally stabbed him in the heart and face to death
ANGEL: haha
you’re such a kidder


TESS: let’s fuck at Stonehenge before the cops catch up with us
ANGEL: why Stonehenge
TESS: because it’s metal as fuck is why
plus all those rocks look like giant stone dicks


TESS: oh shit
it’s the heat
ANGEL: I will not leave you again
TESS: babe i want you to promise me something
ANGEL: anything
TESS: while i’m in jail
promise me you’ll fuck my sister
ANGEL: what
TESS: she’s never fucked anyone
and you’re good as hell at doing it
i think she’d really like having sex with you
ANGEL: what
TESS: just nail her up good a couple times
i’d really appreciate it

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