Twix – Irish Cream, as they are largely the same thing to begin with.

Pumpkin/Ghost Peeps – Vodka and cranberry so as to not immediately die of sugar shock.

Smarties – Mateus Rosé. Both are slightly fizzy on the tongue and a Rosé won’t overpower the Red Dye No.3.

York Peppermint Patty/Junior Mints – A Castilla y León that you can buy at a gas station.

Dum Dums – An Old Fashioned. Skip the garnish and use the lollipop as a stirrer. You’re the fun parent!

Red Hots – German Riesling. The brightness cuts through the treacly sweetness and cinnamon burn.

Tootsie Rolls – IPA or pale ale.

SweeTarts – Literally any Italian red. Does it have olive trees on the bottle? A stone church tower? You’re good.

Kit Kat/Three Musketeers/Butterfinger – South American Malbec.

Snickers – Beaujolais. Did you know Snickers were sometimes included in Sundries Packs given to Vietnam War platoons? Explain this to your disinterested children as they battle for the full-sized bar.

Atomic Fireballs – Tequila.

Almond Joy – That Chardonnay that comes in a tetra pack at about $8.99 a liter. Assertive and blunt enough to dull the cardboard coconut edge of an Almond Joy that’s been sitting in the back of a storage closet for six months.

Swedish Fish – Gin and tonic. Contemplate how adult you are for preferring a duet of sour and tart to the baser pleasures.

Whoppers/Milk Duds – Dry stout beer. Guinness will do.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Pumpkins – A medium to dry sherry, like an Amontillado. You probably have a bottle in the pantry. Serve on the rocks.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Minis – Tawny port. We don’t know why it’s different than what you drink with Reese’s pumpkins, it just is.

Twizzlers – Cava or any non-champagne sparkling white. Champagne only if it comes in a can.

Candy Corn – Give your candy corn to someone who actually likes candy corn. Drink their shameful enjoyment like an ancient herbal liquor.