Previously: Dirtbag Athena.
ZEUS: look, I have produced a daughter from mine own head
this is Athena
HERA: like fuck you did
ZEUS: What? No, she truly just app –
HERA: two can play this head-baby game, pal
ZEUS: I didn’t do this to offend you, it just –
HERA: too late, I’m crowning
[later]
ZEUS: well even if he isn’t technically ‘mine’
I’m willing to meet this child
HERA: what
ZEUS: the baby
the baby you had because I had a baby
HERA: who
ZEUS: you said you were going to have your own baby
because of Athena
HERA: oh
that
it was weird looking
ZEUS: where is it
HERA: I don’t understand the question
ZEUS: where is the baby
HERA: idk
i threw it off the mountain
so i guess whatever at the bottom of the mountain is
HERA: what the hell is this
ZEUS: this is Hercules, my son
HERA: i hate it
ZEUS: oh
well
look I’m sorry things haven’t been going well between us
but please don’t take it out on him
he’s just a ba –
HERA: I’m not
ZEUS: you’re not?
HERA: I’m not
ZEUS: well that’s good
HERA: I even got him a baby present
ZEUS: I – oh
what is it?
[a baby screams]
HERA: snakes
ZEUS: WHAT THE HELL
HERA: oh do babies not like those
i always forget
BABY HERCULES: bahh
HERA: oh are you hungry
BABY HERCULES: gahh
HERA: here
have some
BABY HERCULES: nahh
HERA: what’s the matter, buddy
can’t quite reach it?
too bad
PARIS: you are all lovely beyond description
but I must choose Aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty
HERA: I understand completely
[a strange glow steals over the skyline of Troy]
HERA: thanks for coming all this way to judge our contest
I appreciate your taking the time
PARIS: Jesus
is that fire?
are those Greeks?
[arrows begin whizzing past]
HERA: take care
let us know if you’re ever in the neighborhood again
[Images via]
I have been waiting for this. Queen dirtbag!
From now on I’m ending every disagreement with “too late, I’m crowning.”
Poor Hephaestus never really had a chance at happiness did he? Talk about mommy issues…
Hephaestus: Honey, I made you a necklace!
Aphrodite: *full-on making out with Ares* What?
Hephaestus: 🙁
Yeah, I definitely feel like “Dirtbag Hera” is redundant.
They all are. Mallory texts the subtext. She’s never given the Dirtbag treatment to anyone who didn’t deserve it.
yup
Just title it “Hera.” Same thing.
Hera was so unabashedly into dirtbaggism though. She’s just like, whatever, I’m queen bitch, I do what I want.
Very true. We may as well call her Cow-eyed Hera,Queen of the Olympos and Dirtbag Island.
The weirdest part of the Disney Hercules is seeing Hera as a loving mother.
Ten year old me had very firm Opinions about that movie, but Hera was the main one. That and ‘so they used all the Greek gods and they set the movie in Greece, but you know, they didn’t actually use the Greek version of his name. Why didn’t they call it Herakles? I would’ve called it that.’
Oh, hello fellow former child with too many opinions about Greek mythology.
My kin.
From the age of two or so on, my bedtime reading book of choice was D’Aulaires’ Greek Myths. Especially the bit about Artemis cause apparently nothing says time to go off and dream like turning men into animals and hunting them. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone. If nothing else it seems to have readied me for a life of misandry?
D’Aulaire’s Children represent! I had a paperback, read it to pieces, and eventually got a hardback.
“D’Aulaires’ Book of Greek Myths” was a favorite book of mine. I love finding other people who read it.
And so many who have now read the Toast! Probably not a coincidence there…
D’Aulaire’s Greek Myths was also my favorite book circa age 10-11. Inspired by that memory, I just bought the Greek and Norse Myths for my stepkids for Christmas… and they actually thought it was pretty cool! (I figured even if they thought it was a boring gift from their nerdy stepmom, at least then I’d have the books. 😉)
I found their Norse once!
But mostly I just read the Greek as well. And Artemis was the best.
YEEEES. We had the D’Aulaires Book of Greek Myths on audio tape, and we listened to it during every single road trip. It had Paul Newman and Matthew Broderick and Syndey Poitier and Kathleen Turner! And little pan flute ditties between each story that I can still sing from memory!
Artemis is excellent dream material. Like, you dream about fucking shit up for men everywhere and doing so without remorse. That’s EXCELLENT for elementary and middle school.
IT MEEEE
Oh good it wasn’t just me.
Atalanta was always my favorite but I was so pissed every time she got distracted by that stupid apple and had to marry a dumb boy.
Have you seen/heard the Free To Be… You and Me version? It’s here.
THAT IS VASTLY SUPERIOR
I grew up listening to this, so when I heard the original myth I was EXTREMELY disappointed.
ME TOOOOO
I was always outraged on behalf of Arachne. The greek gods were always so petty and jealous. That’s what made the stories so great, of course… but so many dirtbags!
Ten year old me wishes she’d known ten year old you.
It’s such a pity we didn’t know about each other back when we were pedantic ten-year-olds!
and yet somehow the monks were willing to translate it as “God”
Okay but given how awful Zeus was, I kind of almost don’t blame her?
Team Hera!
I’m totally Team Hera as well
Team They Deserve Each Other
Yup, Team Hera. Zeus deserved it, horny cloudy bastard.
ZEUS deserved it. Hercules – Herakles, originally, in a blatant suck-up move – didn’t.
Hephaestus didn’t deserve to be ablestly rejected by her, his own mother!
I bet Hera would just arbitrarily do mean shit to animals she found wandering around Mount Olympus figuring it was even odds on them being transmogrified lovers of Zeus/Zeus himself on his way back from a tryst.
Next thought: uh was Zeus a furry?
Nonononono.
Zeus wasn’t a furry.
He was the opposite of a furry.
Like, the dude that made everybody else into furries.
The Furrinator.
Isn’t that a special thingy you use for grooming your cat?
…you know, she probably did. She really, probably did.
PERFECTION
Is Hera going *pew pew PEW PEW lasers!* with her breastmilk? At baby Hercules’ head?
Well, probably, but wouldn’t you be? I would be.
Oh, I wasn’t implying I disapproved or anything.
Yesssssss she is the best of the dirtbags.
HERA: oh do babies not like those
i always forget
I feel like this describes all the baby gifts I think of before settling on a blanket.
It’s always safe to go with a bottle of wine, right? No?
As a new mom, I concur so hard!
DIAPER GENIE, no one ever gets you one of those but it’s what you truly need.
Oh nono babies love snakes.
The male dirtbags all have an Archer voice. Now I realize with this one the female dirtbags are Barabara Stanwyck. (in either Double Indemnity or The Lady Eve)
…or Executive Suite, or The Furies, or The Strange Love of Martha Ivers, or or or – pretty much anything I’ve seen her in other than Ball of Fire. So, Yes, you have cast this perfectly.
I’ve always read them in the voice of Lucille Bluth.
There’s symmetry to that…
Archer and Archer.
Brilliance
Has anyone else read the Percy Jackson books? Because Hera in them is, well, very Hera. It’s delightful, she’s the worst.
I love those books so much and YES they do such a good job characterizing the gods
So many of the Greek gods are correctly the Worst in those books, it’s great
You just end up feeling so bad for those kids. “Oh, yeah, monsters are going to chase you your whole life and people you love will probably die a lot and I’m not actually going to acknowledge your parentage unless I need you for something. That’s cool right? Oh did you say something sorry I stopped listening”
I was reading some criticism of Riordan a while back (and I am very aware that there is plenty to criticize) and it was like, “The biggest problem with his books is he doesn’t make it sound very fun to be a child of the gods” and I was just like “No that is the BEST PART of those books”
When did any of the gods’ children in mythology have a good time of it? Let’s be real here.
We introduced our daughter to them about a year ago (she was a little older than six), and she LOVES them. She just giggled her way through the Greek Gods book, and I love listening to her laughter at gruesome myths.
My 9 yo niece started reading them and she asked her mom to read them too, so they can discuss them! (I love this kid).
If you have not seen this video of Uma Thurman as Hera in the modern day, I will just leave the link here for you to view.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ujqoQ6V_kl0
ZEUS: so this chick I know is pregnant
Leto
it’s cool right
HERA: oh cool
cool cool cool
does she like water tho
ZEUS: what
HERA: earth is so like
overrated am I right
she just would not like to give birth on land right
ZEUS: what
HERA: ok cool
My tree of golden apples
apples only for me
Oh, Heracles stole some?
well, I did make him go batshit and murder his family, so
One apple for him.
HERA: so, you’re my husband’s new cow
IO: moo
HERA: his pet cow, that he just got on impulse, as people do
IO: moooo
HERA: and not, like, some mortal maiden he forced himself on, then panicked and transmuted into the first random thing that entered his meat head, thinking that I would be fooled
IO: mooo
HERA: yeah, that’s him, pretty much. he thinks the ‘pull my finger’ joke is a laugh riot too
IO: moo
HERA: so like, you’d probably like me to turn you back into a human? and maybe make you one of my handmaidens, so you’d be safe from him, and we’d both have a laugh at his expense
IO: mooooo
HERA: yeah, but you know, Greek gods. so, what’s going to happen next is, you stay a cow, and I am going to create a huge wasp, to chase you around and sting you
IO (despairing, pleading) MOOOOO
HERA: the wasp’s name is ‘animal sex frenzy,’ but you probably shouldn’t read too much into that
I am picturing Io as Moolissa from Bob’s Burgers and this is perfect.
HERA: oh do babies not like those
i always forget
I am now in pain from snorting water through my nose from laughing at this line, but it was totally worth it
Okay, who’s a bigger dirtbag? Hera or Zeus? I’m not at all down with the whole “being shitty to get back at each other” thing, but I feel like they kind of deserve each other.
HERA: what the hell is this
ZEUS: this is Hercules, my son
HERA: i hate it
ZEUS: oh
Well too late I already named him after you.
Has anyone read Gods Behaving Badly? I feel like this text would all fit in nicely
There is little-to-no archaeological evidence for this theory, but! I love it so I’m telling you about it anyway.
Some people think that Hera may have been a regional earth goddess in the Peloponnese whose cult/religion was sort of taken over by the more powerful cult of the sky god Zeus. This would explain some of her more cranky moments, and also many of her epithets within various source materials.
I wrote my undergrad thesis on the connection between earth goddesses and serpents/dragons in assorted mythologies, and Hera was my primary point (she sends snakes against Heracles, as Mallory mentioned, but she’s also got a few other snake-related stories. Like Tiresias! He is the best! And possibly also Delphi.).
What I’m saying is: Team Hera!
The Tiresias story is the absolute best. The ultimate proof of dirtbag Zeus– you enjoy sex so much more that I have to have sex with A LOT of different women for it to equal out.
My 9 yo niece started reading them and she asked her mom to read them too, so they can discuss them! (I love this kid).
Hephaestus didn't deserve to be ablestly rejected by her, his own mother!
DIAPER GENIE, no one ever gets you one of those but it's what you truly need.
Crowning. Through the crown of his head, I presume.
Excellent!
Isn't that a special thingy you use for grooming your cat?