How To Talk To Babies About Postmodernism:
BABY: [knocks plate off of table]
ME: that’s right
in postmodernism we reject the notion of ‘totality’
BABY JENNY HOLZER: [spits up]
MAN: Oh, baby Jenny Holzer, what a mess
BABY JENNY HOLZER: SPIT ALL OVER SOMEONE WITH A MOUTHFUL OF MILK IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT SOMETHING ABOUT THEIR PERSONALITY FAST
How To Talk To Babies About Post-Structuralism:
ME: what do we need to understand before we can understand post-structuralism
BABY: fnehhh
ME: very good
we need to understand structural linguistics
now what does “fnehhh” mediate between
BABY: fnehhh
ME: that’s right
it mediates between abstract ideas and reality
BABY: fnehhh
ME: you’ve made your point, don’t belabor it
How To Talk To Babies About Semiotics:
BABY: read dog book again
ME: okay fine
show me where the yellow doggie is on this page
BABY: [points]
ME: good
now show me where the brown doggie is on this page
BABY: [points]
ME: now show me where the author is
BABY: [stares blankly]
ME: that’s right
the author is dead
How To Talk To Babies About Marxist Theory:
BABY: [sleeps]
ME: HAVE YOU QUESTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT THE DRIVE TO ACCUMULATE CAPITAL TODAY
BABY: [sleeps]
ME: no of course not
you just CONSUMED and PASSED OUT
like a plutocrat
BABY: [sleeps]
BABY: [tears apart newspaper]
ME: that’s very good
the apparatus that props up capitalism will destroy itself some day
How To Talk To Babies About Gender Theory:
BABY: [nurses]
ME: you realize youre literally consuming me
BABY: [nurses]
ME: wow
its like de Beauvoir never even wrote The Second Sex
WOMAN: and here is the bunny
do you see the bunny?
BABY DERRIDA: pbthtbhth
WOMAN: can you say bunny?
BABY DERRIDA: bunny
WOMAN: can you pat the bunny?
BABY DERRIDA: there is nothing outside the text
WOMAN: who’s the baby?
whooooo’s the baby?
BABY FOUCAULT: I don’t feel that it is necessary to know exactly what I am
MAN [ducks face behind cloth]: peekabo!
peekabo!
I see you!
BABY FOUCAULT: visibility is a trap
“Best of” is false nomenclature, Baby. If all things are equally good, none can be best. Does Baby have a “best foot” to gnaw upon? Can Baby pick the “best” of the flung Cheerios?
While I agree with you with regards to “Best of” and the entire “Talking to Babies” series, the “best” of the flung Cheerios is clearly the slightly damp one that now has bits of carpet fuzz and cat hair on it.
You know, the one that your foot will find at 3am tomorrow morning. It doesn’t matter that you have hardwood instead of carpet. It doesn’t matter that you don’t own cats. It doesn’t matter, even, that no cereal or Baby has ever been in your home.
It will still find your foot. And it will be moist.
Gonna use all of these to study for the GRE subject test in Literature! Let’s hope this is more successful than, say, actually trying to read theory.
This… just made me want a baby? No, that can’t be it. Must be indigestion.
This is one of my favorites for real. If you ever publish these in a colorful book they will be my baby shower presents for all time.
OH YES OH YES PLEEEEEEEEEEEZ
I can’t believe I missed all of these opportunities with my daughter. Now I need to get a new baby and start over.
I wrote my own Baby Foucault, or rather it wrote itself, because one particular piece demanded it. Now is the perfect time to share it but I can't transfer it from my laptop, which won't connect to the internet, and it's the kind of day when these two distinct hardware problems seem like five million problems that prove the universe is out to get me. :*(
Maybe I'll save it for Toast Crumbs.