Dirtbag Dionysus -The Toast

Dirtbag Dionysus

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on January 5, 2015 in Dirtbags

Previously: Dirtbag Theseus.

you think i dont
you think i cant see that my dick looks like a little orange thumb, like a Cheeto
fuck you is why
ive got a fruit hat
im a BABY goddammit
i already have gout
whats your excuse
hand me that flagon
im sorry
im sorry
i didnt mean that

I WILL GET THIS LEOPARD DRUNK

no let’s
shut up
no shut up lets go over there
take me over there there’s a bunch of girls over there
youre my best friend
they look like sluts lets go over there

pitcher kid
hey pitcher kid whats your name
whatsyourname i mean
you ever been drunk yet
cmere lets get you drunk

NO
no
im not moving until everyone in the forest has seen the front side of my dick
then im going to flip over so everyone on the other side can see it

who is this
who the fuck is this on my shoulders
i dont even know any of you
what are you doing here
get the shit out of my house you fucks
why is that guy on the ground
get him out of here
everybody get out of here

listen
no you listen
no you finally listen to me guy
don’t you come around to MY house and tell me what to do with MY kids
they love wrestling that goat
you think you know better than me?
you think you know better than me what a baby can wrestle?
fuck outta here with your CLOTHES
like you’re better than me
youre not better than me

wait are we moving
are we moving yet or are we standing still

okay you three
you three come over here and sit by me
the rest of you stay there
cmere come over here i cant get up come over here and hold my hair i think im ‘na throw up
no wait
im ok
im ok
come over here anyway though

WHERE ARE THE REST OF MY FUCKING LEOPARDS
THIS PARADE IS BULLSHIT

no im up
hang on guys
ill get up in a second
im be right there
im up
im up

hey babe
beautiful
please stop crying
youre really bringing this party down

hey
hey are you awake
do you want to be my girlfriend
ok
if you want to be my girlfriend and come live with me just don’t wake up
ok you’re still asleep so is that a yes

babe what are you looking at
cut it
stop it out
look at me
who are you even looking to, look at me

i know im not wearing any pants
im a GOD
like from OLYMPUS
you think i cant tell if ive got pants on me?
dont be stuck up

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (43)

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+58 Vote up Vote down

jekyllian 141p · 535 weeks ago

A+++ would dirtbag again

+79 Vote up Vote down

middlemarch 137p · 535 weeks ago

A true, tangentially related story: my friends and I called each other The Bacchae in high school, because we were a bunch of BAMFS. (I mean, ok, actually we were just really into Latin club and stuff. My teen years were kind of like a light comedy version of The Secret History.)

Anyway, Bacchus/Dionysus might be a dirtbag, but I think that Bacchae have a kind of spiritual kinship with The Toast, and we should do more to honor their misandry.

3 replies · active 535 weeks ago

+60 Vote up Vote down

Blanche de Shambles · 535 weeks ago

Dirtbag Orpheus:

"All riiight- Maenads! Hey ladies- why don't you come over here and...OW! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!"

+7 Vote up Vote down

middlemarch 137p · 535 weeks ago

A+

+34 Vote up Vote down

meetapossum 110p · 535 weeks ago

I still have my t-shirt from the production of The Bacchae we did in my Ancient Tragedy class in college. It says "Heads Must Roll" on the back.

+28 Vote up Vote down

LacaunaKale 128p · 535 weeks ago

Dionysus really buffed up. Probably tells the girls all about P90X, ya know before he roofies them,

+71 Vote up Vote down

hussified 119p · 535 weeks ago

"fuck outta here with your CLOTHES
like you’re better than me
youre not better than me"

Does that mean that my two year-old is a wee Dionysus?

2 replies · active 535 weeks ago

+43 Vote up Vote down

Teka Lynn · 535 weeks ago

All toddlers are inherently Dionysiac.

+20 Vote up Vote down

Unreadaethel 127p · 535 weeks ago

All two-year olds are wee Dionysi. It's part of their development.

+77 Vote up Vote down

moxycrimefighter 112p · 535 weeks ago

+7 Vote up Vote down

beachlass 117p · 535 weeks ago

That reminds me that the most perfect thing I saw in all of last year was The God That Comes - a smutty, hilarious, uncomfortable cabaret piece (Hawksley Workman performing).

It was utter perfection, and if you have a chance to see it, sell your first born and go.
http://www.thegodthatcomes.com/

+7 Vote up Vote down

Alluvial_Fan · 535 weeks ago

Cheeto-peen is my fav.

+6 Vote up Vote down

ladyimogen 112p · 535 weeks ago

That gourd in #1, though.

+9 Vote up Vote down

Abanthis 108p · 535 weeks ago

Small angry child in "look at meeee" is PISSED.

+15 Vote up Vote down

Claudia · 535 weeks ago

"fuck you is why" is my fav! It's what I say in my head anytime anyone wants a reason for anything.

+13 Vote up Vote down

Just_a_Dinosaur 124p · 535 weeks ago

I almost want to not wear pants just so that I can act incredibly indignant when people tell me I'm not wearing any.

But y'know...jail.

+52 Vote up Vote down

aravisthequeen 134p · 535 weeks ago

I just....Dionysus is the god of wine and debauchery, no? That seems like a strange choice to depict as A BABY. Is this a pre-debauched state? Or was it swell for toddlers to get wasted on Mt. Olympus? I DON'T KNOW

1 reply · active 535 weeks ago

+57 Vote up Vote down

Unreadaethel 127p · 535 weeks ago

It's Europe, man. They're more enlightened about drinking ages there. Geez.

+77 Vote up Vote down

Blanche de Shambles · 535 weeks ago

I'm pretty sure "Dirtbag Dionysus" is really just "Dionysus."

1 reply · active 535 weeks ago

+13 Vote up Vote down

leslieellenjones 109p · 535 weeks ago

Yes, I was going to protest that dirtbaggery is his entire raison d'etre. And thus, yay Hellenes--only culture to have a dedicated dirtbag deity!

+52 Vote up Vote down

zachariahary 147p · 535 weeks ago

Jeez surprising number of wasted naked babies in Western Art.
You know that most of them were just the artist thinking a drunk baby would be funny and then after the fact going, 'Uhhh it's totally Dionsysus, guys. Duh. Don't you know your Greek gods? This is embarrassing for you.'

+35 Vote up Vote down

blunderbusst 102p · 535 weeks ago

I've been to this party.

1 reply · active 535 weeks ago

+11 Vote up Vote down

MsPiggleWiggles 86p · 535 weeks ago

Yeah, everyone knows that the best parties are comprised of worldly wine drinking women and their toddler friends. The toddlers don't cut into the booze cache because they're 100% drunk acting all day everyday. By the time you get tipsy it's eight o'clock, they've long since lost their pants and it's off to bed so the grown ups can talk.

+57 Vote up Vote down

stregastrigoi · 535 weeks ago

I really need 'Get the shit out of my house, you fucks' cross-stitched onto a pillow for my first home

+30 Vote up Vote down

BourneApprox 113p · 535 weeks ago

I believe the proper term for "Dirtbag Dionysus" is "Dionysus".

+15 Vote up Vote down

plspassthePinot 121p · 535 weeks ago

Drunk Leopards, man.

+69 Vote up Vote down

Household_Opera 104p · 535 weeks ago

WHERE ARE THE REST OF MY FUCKING LEOPARDS
THIS PARADE IS BULLSHIT

Something tells me Dirtbag Dionysus and Dirtbag Hera periodically get together and bitch over the inadequacy of the parades people throw for them. "I mean only two leopards, what's even the point?" "Parades, man. Fuck 'em."

+17 Vote up Vote down

Unreadaethel 127p · 535 weeks ago

So I have muscle strain over my ribs from coughing/blowing my nose forever from the Cold That Will Not Die, and laughing hurts.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm willing to suffer to read The Toast, you guys. It's like suffering for my art, but instead I'm suffering for somebody else's art.

1 reply · active 535 weeks ago

+14 Vote up Vote down

Abanthis 108p · 535 weeks ago

Well, it's better than making someone else suffer for your art, on the scale of possible iterations of that phrase.

+12 Vote up Vote down

redheadedwolf 115p · 535 weeks ago

okay you three
you three come over here and sit by me
the rest of you stay there
cmere come over here i cant get up come over here and hold my hair i think im ‘na throw up
no wait
im ok
im ok
come over here anyway though
This one. This one is my favorite.

+7 Vote up Vote down

MmeSiniichulok 81p · 535 weeks ago

OK, I'm trying to laugh-cry silently so that my toddler doesn't wake up. This is THE BEST.

+6 Vote up Vote down

mawrterforever 73p · 535 weeks ago

This is 500% more accurate than any mythology could use to describe the God of Wine, the title is basically a synonym for dirtbag with a thing for wreaths and elitist drunken roguery

+11 Vote up Vote down

knittingBAMF 102p · 535 weeks ago

Yeah, but at least Dionysus OWNED his inherent dirtbaggery. And was all about a good party. Drunk orgy. Whatevs.

+42 Vote up Vote down

damanoid 134p · 535 weeks ago

Legend has it that the festival of the Dionysian Mysteries was formally ended by the ritual invocation: "Okay you guys, everybody has to leave, my parents are going to be home any minute now."

+5 Vote up Vote down

Maty · 535 weeks ago

Drunk babies are the best. Also, tall babies.

+6 Vote up Vote down

cbird1057 20p · 535 weeks ago

Why I got a C in Art History

+5 Vote up Vote down

special K · 535 weeks ago

"i think im ‘na throw up"
You are a genius.

+4 Vote up Vote down

babyfyrefly · 534 weeks ago

Twice born, twice the fun!

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